Mercenaries

Hey folks.  Back again with purpose.   So what do you get when you cram 80s, 90s and current action heroines in an Expendables clone but protagonists are female?   Well, The Asylum (Sharknado, Flight 666, Z Nation, Isle of the Dead, Little Dead Rotting Hood and Megashark versus Kolossus) folks decided to give it a shot. Will this be entertaining or will I want to whack myself in the head with a hammer? This is Mercenaries.

Okay, strip search ladies.

Annnd we got alternative titles. Yeah that will never leave me. These alternative titles are Prison Raid and Expendables 3.0

Under the wing of director, Christopher Ray (Shark Week, 2-Headed Shark Attack, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus, Circus Kane and A Second Chance) we have a meat and potatoes kind of film.  It's filling.  

 The President's daughter is journeying throughout Kazakhstan (in Russia for those out of the loop) when a ruthless warlord (or is that warlady?) Ulrika (Brigitte Nielsen of Red Sonja, Cobra, Beverly Hills Cop II, Domino, 976-Evil II, Chained Heat II, Snowboard Academy and The Hustle) holding the girl for ransom. The price? Oh the US only has to wipe out her competition for her to take over the government. Seems a bit Iran Contra for me but hey, not military so there you go.

On a side note, these seasoned, hard as nails gunmen/soldiers are not only taking orders from a woman but have no problem with her being installed as the new dictator of the region? That's surprising and disturbingly progressive of them.

Take that, camera man!

Naturally the CIA's finest is on the case. Mona Kendall (Cynthia Rothrock of China O' Brien, Above the Law, Honor and Glory, Lady Dragon, Undefeatable, Eye for an Eye, Sworn to Justice and The Hostage) gets the info on the base being a former Soviet gulag named "The Citadel" that just got lost in the paperwork and regime change. I can see that happening.

Rather than send a CIA task force in Russia due to the big scandal and international diplomacy issues, Kendall assembles a team of hardened criminals and give the full pardons Snake Plissken offer. So enter our collective of bad ass ladies. Guess Kendall just has detailed files on ex-military assets at her office. Makes you wonder how many off the books, black ops she runs, right?

Ex-Marine Corps Sniper, Kat Morgan (Kristanna Loken of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, BloodRayne, Painkiller Jane, The L Word, Burn Notice and Body of Deceit), Former Delta Force Cassandra Clay (Zoe Bell of Kill Bill Vol 1 and 2, Whip It, Bitch Slap, Game of Death, The Baytown Outlaws, Django Unchained, Raze and Camino), Former CIA agent Donna "Raven" Ravena (Vivica Fox of Independence Day, Batman & Robin, Two Can Play That Game, Boat Trip, Kill Bill: Vol 1, Kill Bill: Vol 2, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Hitman: Absolution, Sharknado 2: The Second One and Independence Day: Resurgence) and pilot/explosives expert Mei-Lin Fong (Nicole Bilderback of Clueless TV series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Paper Bullets, Dark Angel, Castle, The Wrong Nanny and A Second Chance).

Hey, how come I don't get to whoop ass?

These four will infiltrate and extract the President's daughter alive. Sure, sounds like a cake walk. With Ulrika's wave of soldiers and mercs, the ladies have their hands full and they will deliver. With a helicopter insertion (Penis Joke!), our team sneaks in. 

Shockingly enough, Ulrika actually has a right hand man Grigori (Tim Abell of Soldier of Fortune, Inc, We Were Soldiers, Soldier of God, Trouble Creek, Whiteblood, Z Nation and Circus Kane) who handles the morale of the men, deployment and seeing to the overall security.  Gotta say, he's not really great at it.  Brigette needs to have a "Bob, gun," discussion with him.

Okay mild handful of complaints and then I will cease. One tons of CGI blood spatters and CGI muzzle flashes. I get that.   Not every film has the budget to toss in a weapons expert and firearm drill training so this is a quick Airsoft purchase and post production gig.  The use of slo-mo to draw out the fight sequences.  A little goes a long way but when it happens that often, kind of takes you out of the fight scenes.   Again, cost of a hand to hand choreographer gets pricey but maybe find an off-duty SEAL or Marine Recon and give him a couple hundred bucks for his or her inconvenience?

All-in-all this isn't a bad film. It does follow a simple formula of uneasy team up against the bad guys for the greater good and start forming a comradery among each other.  To say this is solely the "Chick Version" of The Expendables is insulting and really does a disservice to the film, its cast and crew. I had fun with it, the one liners were decent but a bit predictable.

Still, it's worth a view. Mind you, no Werebears with miniguns like yesterday.

Pew pew pew!!

Guardians

And we are back in action. Last week, many of you commented how there was only one write-up and that was on Sunday. With a series of migraines and tearing more muscles than I ever wanted, I am still not exactly skibbling along. Yeah I am writing this from my laptop because...ow.

The next complaint to address has been that there has been too many "schlocky horror and jiggly girl films, and I need to diversify my pantheon of writing."   Um have you read this blog before?    So with this in mind and the spirit of Halloween on the rise, I'll review something other than just horror. 

Killjoys. Today we look into a Russian superhero film released in 2017 which looks promising in the Avengers have differences but we settle them long enough to save the world kind of vibe. This is Guardians.

Group photo! No pushing and shoving, kids.

Note no trash pandas nor talking ficus to be found. Our story establishes credibility during the Cold War.   For those of the ages of 20 and up, we were neck and neck with spies, Rambo dropping his balls in Russians' faces and enough nuclear 180 megaton warheads to cook the planet to a nice even simmer.   Also space race.

We open with old timey stock footage of the Cold War era, unleashing spy planes, jet fighters, JFK giving us a stirring speech so you know that First Secretary Nikita Khrushchev was ready to bang a shoe during a UN Meeting and amazing vocals by Yuliya Tereshchenko.  Oh NATO, yeah you really did deal with a lot.

We see an assortment of medical trials, charts, graphics and early 50s tech as several people seems to be worked on or altered.  Whether it is genetic manipulation, mutations from hmm..Chernobyl perhaps?   80's reference!!

Testing mecha tank units and showing off deployment and effectiveness against T 34 and T 70 tanks when the mechas have a T-1000 Robocop moment and turn the contents of those tanks into chunky salsa and took out a Mil Mi-24 (heavy armored helicopter) with one missile.   Then took out the test control room.   Hmm probably a software glitch.   We'll iron that out in no time. Shock of all shocks, the advanced tech has been taken over by...a hybrid of Bane and Whiplash?   So Mickey Rourke or Tom Hardy.  Take your pick.

With this new threat imposing on the Motherland, who do they turn to? Well this isn't Marvel so no Winter Guard. Google it, Russian superhero team from the early 80s. An organization called Patriot (yes similar to SHIELD) gets the news and gets to work debriefing these agents to an series of experiments that hailed as far back as the late 40s. Recombining DNA, cybernetics in its infancy and genetic manipulation.

Dr Avgust Kuratov (Stanislav Shirin of Vse o muzhchinakh and Guardians) was discredited when dedicated his life to a project known as Module 1, a remote access to dominate any device with an engine running through it.  Saaaaay, aren't we biochemical batteries?   Moving on, Not Colonel Fury, General major Dolgov (Vyacheslav Razbegaev of Dark Planet, Dark Planet: Rebellion, Antkiller D.K., Bashnya, Bayker and Underworld Trilogy: The Cop) does a bit of exposition plot dump similar to Samuel Jackson via Avengers so yes the formula is fairly close and blah blah blah. No friggin aliens, Asgardians or frozen old timey guys, so move on.

Experiments gone awry, Kuratov became superhuman in strength, stamina and mass.

For honor! For Capcom!

Major Larina (Valeriya Shkirando of Battalion, Diggery, All That Jam, Guardians Obmen and S'parta)Not Maria Hill has been given the less than desirable task of reassembling a team of beings specifically capable of this looming terror. She must do this within two weeks so they can prep, outfit and hope equip these beings for the impeding fight ahead. With a man that can Earth bend, Ler (Sebastien Sisak of Racism in the Subway, Rosalie, Through the Air, Drift, The Earthquake, Guardians and Unforgiven), a geokinetic if you will, is promised revenge on Kuratov to him.  Um, not sure if that is standard protocol but hell he seems to be in.

A young man out of the deserts of Kazakhstan moves like the wind and deadly with two curved blades. Kind of looks like he is cosplaying Strider via Capcom but all in black, Khan (Sanjar Madi of The Other Side, Tale of a Pink Hare, Yolki 2, Hunting the Phantom and Guardians), to Siberia in the foot hills lurks Arus (Anton Pampushnyy of Bednaya Liz, Mstitel Poor Liz, Tatort, Come on- Therapy for the Undecided and Stepmother's Tales), an 8 foot high werebear and 6 foot in human form. Lastly, at Moscow Circus performance is Kseniya (Alina Lanina of Sled, Kuhnya, Guardians and Pervye) a girl with the ability for decent hand to hand combat, turn invisible and water abilities is...um an aqua ballet performer?   Yeah I am stumped on this one.

Mecha Tank. So cool to say and type.

To go further, all Guardians are roughly 40 years older than they physically appear. Apparently Kuratov's experiments stopped or stunted their aging process. That roughly puts them all about 90.

Kuratov is plotting to back the old chestnut of take over the world with his clone army. Cue the John Williams music.

Can the Guardians fight against this madman??? Will there be anything of Moscow left to save???

With a budget of 380,000,000 rubles...translates to about 5 million dollars, the effects for CGI, wirework, slo mo camera speeds, fight choreography and gun fu, it's pretty damn impressive.

Personally I hope it gets a sequel.

Yes, we can argue it is part of the foundation that is team of misfits, argue a bit, join forces and tackle the main antagonist. Hey that is the building blocks of far too many films, people. So before you start casting stones at a geokinetic(controls earth and rock), an invisible bad ass, a speedster with a wicked set of blades and a werebear with a minigun... give it a view first.

FYI, you can find this on Amazon for about 3 bucks to rent for two days just so you know or you Prime folk can watch it for free I believe.

Baloo??

Party Bus To Hell

How do all. I am back and got a film that has a weird controversy. Some claim it, a return to horror from the seventies, building up tension and fear. Others claim it, to be a full blown jiggly girl fest, pointless and a waste of time. The most common "critic" response is, "One star for the movie is too good for it or overrated." So you know what? I am going to give this flick a lookyloo, see what works and what doesn't and try to give it a fair assessment. This is Party Bus to Hell.

Oh God...who broccoli beefed in here?

First off, enough with the Tara Reid anorexic jokes. 1) Not particularly funny 2) Not remotely original 3) that woman is always active, so yes she has maintained her weight.

Now that is tended to, on with the show!!! Our movie opens with Darby,the hippy attired (Tara Reid of The Big Lebowski, American Pie, Van Wilder: Party Liason, Alone in the Dark, Scrubs, Incubus, Last Call and Sharknado) and this Slash/BeeGees hybrid are fleeing for their lives...or has the desert gone to their heads? Who knows??? With some quick snappy back and forth banter, not everything is...as it appears.

Director/writer Rolfe Kanefsky (You Only Live Until You Die, Sex Files: Alien Erotica, Tomorrow by Midnight, Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle Pie, Nightmare Man, Sorority Slaughterhouse and The Black Room) has clearly had to good film projects to the soft-core porn projects to the finding the decent capital raising projects. This is clearly his baby and Ms. Reid is backing it or found folk to back it.

Yes, Jeff Bridges constantly smells like sandalwood.

Cut to Lara Swit (Stefani Blake of Reverse, Vice Squad: NYC, Vice Squad: Las Vegas, Vice Squad: L.A., Vice Squad: Dallas and Vice Squad: Chicago), a girl gone hitchhiking that lucked out that her pervy driver started to put moves on her after they arrived in Vegas. Seriously, one wrong placed word and her ass could have been just left on the I-15, with no water, provisions or even sunscreen. A tour bus appears to be heading for The Burning Man event and Lara is kicking it around when Tour Bus driver, Joan (Sadie Katz of Hidden Treasures, House of Bad, Scorned, Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort, Grindsploitation, Blood Feast and Unreported) tells Lara it's all good in the hood and jump on board. No, she didn't say that verbatim.

With a bus load of twenty somethings looking to party, get high, drunk and laid, this seems like the bus for those very activities and all seems pretty bouncing. We've got a bluesy almost AC/DC, Steely Dan vibe with writer/singer David Rosen singing the title.

Alright, so the big complaint most folk are having, both male and female alike is topless scenes in under 5 minutes of viewing. Okay, clearly you haven't suffered a Jesus Franco's a minute and 12 fully nude scene and those are his soft-core films.

Hey Mummy! You're getting a bit close to Zombie Lake offenses!

Look, I get that its seems a bit odd these girls are taking clothes off left and right on a bus full of strangers... have you journeyed beyond your local Piggly Wiggly and/or Hardware Hank's?    Burning Man is Spring Break for those that feel like they are outcasts, nutters, cosplayers, costume designers and in general, a little kooky. Yeah topless is the least of your concern.

Looks a lot like Valley of Fire Nevada. It's about 60 miles Northeast of Las Vegas and is part of the Mojave Desert. This has been: Fun Film Facts with Jake!!!

With no bars for the smart phones (Yeah that gem never gets tiresome) and bus driver Joan AWOL, the party starts to think something is amiss.  But y'know...party and boobs!!!

Night collapsed rather than fell and it's the middle of the night still at least another 6 hours from the festival as "Joan" told the partiers she took a short cut to get good time. So unless you are a boy scout, brownie, have a compass, map or GPS...you're boned.

Next thing we know, nutters in black robes and cloaks appear and I am pretty sure they aren't AAA. Turns out those hiding on the bus are just in time for human sacrifice night at the Sizzler (Yes, that is an MST3K joke of yesteryear) so now we got a hooded goofball channeling Papa Jupiter via The Hills Have Eyes and a smidgen of The Devil's Rejects.

Behold, the terror that is...liturgical dance?

So options? Stay on the bus and remain on guard until we starve.   Get off the bus and go in a direction in the hopes you make it back to Vegas before dehydration or starve.   My personal favorite, stop bitching, work together and maybe get out alive.    Option #3.    It ain't even an option.

So this is perhaps a crazy cult or religious sect. Hell for all I know, they were on a bus to a maximum security wing to the whacko basket.   Point is there is a lot more of them, they're armed and completely bat shit crazy.   Hey, how about some main protagonist back story???  Nope.    You want to know, go watch the flick.

What did I take away from this? Tara was clearly having a blast, this crew was fun and it was nice to see girls kicking some serious ass alongside the guys.

This feels like a throwback to Jack Starrett's 1975 Race with the Devil, a touch of Don Sharp's The Death Wheelers a.k.a. Psychomania and filmed on that same damn stretch of road a certain Wes Craven, The Hills Have Eyes were captured.

Okay yes there is a fair degree of nudity. This is also a Horror movie. Planning on sitting down with Grandma and Grandpa for this one, were you? This is a direct product of trying to get more out of your exploitation film like in the late 60s to early 80s.    It's graphic, silly, cannibalistic and downright absurd.   That folks, is the whole point.

Sure hope my night doesn't get too crazy.

 

Betrayed

Hey folks! Back again with a request viewing from the Williamson Management Company that I give their award based film some much needed love. We have "critics" about this movie and general speaking it's just trolls complaining because a story takes time to properly unfold.

With the award hailing from Queen Palm International Film Festival today's film shines a light on the horrors of the real world like human trafficking. This is Betrayed.

Good thing he didn't use a knife, fellas.

Brought to us from director Harley Wallen (Deceitful, Moving Parts, Bennett's Song and Abeyance) comes a tale of a city in need of order. Mayor Alderman (John Savage of The Deer Hunter, Salvador, Thin Red Line, The Godfather Part III, Fatal Choice and The X-Files) has serious issues his administration needs to address.

We open our movie with a couple of care free girls out on the town with a couple of jerks just looking to get in their pants. For crying out loud, guys. Just get a sex doll since you have no respect for women. No sooner do the douche duo leave, two men abduct the girls off the street, toss them in a van and take off. Now that sets a tone already. Cut to our title sequence and edgy music intro.

A supply and demand of young women is big business for traffickers, and Mikhail Kovalchek (Harley Wallen of I Declare War, Stay, Pimps, Pastors &Politicians, Moving Parts, Bennett's Song and Betrayed) is a man who meets his quotas and deadlines.   The Mayor is pissed that Mikhail and his Bratva thugs have overstepped their bounds in his town, catching a lot of flack for it from the people and will not take the heat for this.   Guess he should have seen this coming when he decided to take kickbacks from THE MOB!!!!  Hindsight 20/20 being what it is, the Mayor is trying to juggle City Hall, public opinion and assure the citizens the city is safe.

She clearly needs a Hello Kitty calendar.

Detectives Alex Redford (Jennifer Jelsema of The End of the Tour, Space Debris, Empire, Alaska Is a Drag and Moving Parts) and Sandra Miller (Aphrodite Nikolovski of Ocean of Pearls, Answer This!, Red & Blue Marbles, Cut/Print, Consideration and Bennett's Song) are dealing with these bodies showing up in dumpsters and alleys while there is no official comment from the Mayor on how this is being handled.  They are overworked, underpaid and underappreciated.

The Mayor washes his hands of the Russians and to fix his income status, he invites the Cartel in to the city. Now to me, this is stopping the brush fire with a flamethrower but hey, I know not enough about politics. Bed hopping with two different mobs is bound to have no real repercussions. Mikhail will no doubt feel "Betrayed". Y'see what I did there?   I did a thing.

Ahem, moving right along, the coroner looks vaguely familiar as I spoke and interviewed one of his co-stars, lovely Vida Ghaffari about Abeyance none other than Stairmaster of The People Under the Stairs himself, Yan Birch (Santa Barbara, Strange Days, Essence of Echoes, Charmed, Tangerine Sky, Terror Tales, Death House and Waking Nightmares)

Stone (Richard Tyson) and Mikhail take a meeting and Stone really points up the pros of being on the Mayor's good side creating a balance in the city versus rubbing the administration the wrong way. Stone will continue to do business but needs Mikhail to see that going to war with the city is just bad for business.

This was a productive meeting.

Mikhail displays his grievances with the Mayor by abducting his only daughter, Marie (Kaiti Wallen of Number One Contender, Broken, Set Me Free, Deceitful, Moving Parts and Bennett's Song) from the very club, The Foxtrot he does business in. Mikhail is under the impression he is invincible. Yeah, this is going to go down smooth as Egyptian whiskey.

Mike Wolf (Billy Wirth) is a grifter, a rambler and definitely a gambler. Contract merc for who even knows how many dirty jobs.  His gig is shadow running crews and seems to be damn good at it.  Yeah folks, there are no good guys in this one. There are the tarnished, the bad and the evil.

Will Mikhail be retired early?? Is the Mayor going to feed Mikhail his balls personally??

A few side notes now. It was insanely awesome to see Billy Wirth of The Lost Boys and Richard Tyson of Three o' Clock High and Kindergarten Cop in some juicy roles. Real meat and potato kind of roles. Two guys you know they can carry their end and then some.

Composer Kaizad Patel (Moving Parts, Love Espionage,: Spy Revenge, Bennett's Song and Betrayed) really sets the moods of the scenes with the music. Good ratcheting of tension and incidental music and I hope to hear more of it soon.

I don't understand this piss poor reviews. This was gritty, dark and a fair amount of shades of grey. Showing how Detroit can and probably does operate.  Frankly Wallen is casting a beacon at what is deemed one of the worse cities in the US and honestly it really makes you wonder how far removed is this fiction from the fact. 

We can conclude she was definitely a girl.

976-EVIL II

A Jim Wynorski film with jiggly girls and alternative titles??? Okay I'm in. Yeah I said it. This could be very well be entertaining. This sequel is the continuation of an evil phone service...FROM HELL!!!! Or at least we presume it is from hell and would like to not think an Archangel that was bored.   With this enduring from its predecessor, this call service of evil perpetuates further, disrupting more lives and leaving in the hand of our protagonist.

This is 976-EVIL II a.k.a. 976-EVIL II: The Return a.k.a. 976-EVIL 2: The Astral Factor and Astral Factor.

We open with a young blonde getting some laps in and eerie music building suspense to a wall mounted telephone? Ahh what is that, Millennials??!! Is that some primitive form of communications device?!

Pert Plus keeps the demons at bay, Laurie.

A minute thirty annnnd first shower scene. Well to be fair, no one wants that chlorine smell on their flesh or hair. Scrubbing away her troubles until the lights start flickering and electronic synthesizer kicks in, hinting to danger. Practically see through in her white shirt and towel, our brave swimmer gathers a look about. With supernatural shenanigans going on, the whole place locked down and near hobo janitor (Buck Flowers, character actor) passed out, an ominously dressed fellow in a suit stalks the young lady Laurie (Karen Mayo-Chandler of Beverly Hills Cop, Explorers, Hard to Die and Prince Valiant). His flamboyancy just screams, "High School Drama director" as he does away with our plunky teen with...a prop stalagmite? Loved the set though. Looked like something out of Dante's Inferno.

We cut to credits opening and we catch back up with Spike (Patrick O' Bryan of You Are The Jury, China Beach, No Holds Barred, Relentless, 976-EVIL and Blood and Concrete) and yes I don't mean Buffy and Angel Spike. Sorry. This gent was busy sending his possessed cousin to Hell and is now hitting the road on a Harley, pushing and defining the bad boy look.   Not really sure what he does for money.  Maybe he had life insurance on his cousin Hoax and cashed in after his...disappearance.   Also not really certain if he and his bible thumping aunt are talking ever again.

Can't see a damn thing with these fog machines going.

Spike seems to be a fish out of water or a man without a quest. His theme music is reminiscent of Ennio Morricone's Fistful of Dollars theme. Similar but alas no it is not. Do like the steel guitar strumming in the background. Plot point action news alerts Spike to a strange body count of co-eds in a small Californian community of Slate River. This disrupts the beer swilling, chicken wings scarfing and potential nudey girl dancing. Sorry bro. It almost seems like Spike is a Hunter of the Supernatural.. huh huh, ya get it? Hey, if this cat can thwart Satan, I think it would be good to have him in your corner and hopefully he won't go all Tommy Jarvis screaming.

With an ominous phone call to his favorite hotline, Spike knows he has been called back into the supernatural again so he rides towards it like Johnny Blaze and nothing like Nick Cage. Seriously, those Ghost Rider flicks were painful.

Sheriff Stone (Paul Coufos of Chopping Mall, Gnaw: Food of the Gods II, City of Shadows, Days of Our Lives and Mortal Danger) brings in the dean of the college, (Rene'Assa of Quantum Leap, Postcards from the Edge, The Flash, Baywatch and The Destiny of Marty Fine),  Deputy Taylor (Philip McKeon of ChiPs, Alice, Favorite Son, Red Surf, 976-EVIL II and Sandman) seems...mildly concerned.

Ah Brigitte is keeping Spike abreast to the situation.

Student senses tingling as young Robin (Debbie James of Mistress, Quantum Leap, Round Trip to Heaven, Herman's Head, The Underground, L.A. Heat and Close Up) seems to possess latent psionic powers, mostly seems like psychometry (the ability to read events, people and places from objects) and is now aware that the evil that has been in her town for four months may have an even darker purpose.

As luck, fortune or happenstance takes place, Spike and Robin run into each other as if their lives were orchestrated to do such. It be the will of the fates!!!

Our demonic dean is not disturbed by his cell for stone wall does not a prison makes, nor iron bars a cage as he is able to astral project and reek havoc.

Can Robin and Spike stop this evil from happening??? Will they be able to prevent more deaths???

To be honest, I felt the pacing of the original film was a bit slow and Wynorski kept a good steady momentum going. I damn near had an aneurysm trying to remember the full storyline from the first movie, but the continuation still has puppets enslaved to dark forces and seeing the lovely Monique Gaberielle of Chained Heat, Not of This Earth, The Return of the Swamp Thing, Uncaged and Angel Eyes is always a plus. Debbie James gives a pretty good performance and genuinely seems determined to see this to the end.

Almost like Satan doesn't want to tip his hand this time around and goes through catspaws easily swayed due to lust for power, greed or wanton behavior. Also let us not forget Brigitte Neilsen (Beverly Hills Cop II, Red Sonja, Mission of Justice, Chained Heat II, Body Count and Doomsdayer) adding the much needed spooky yet seductive witch type. That being said, I couldn't get over her giant shoulder pads on her Gothic outfit.

Much love to be had by this sequel developing Spike further and enjoyed the kids sitting down the Night of the Living Dead. So yes, once again I had fun. My only complaint, no more follow-up sequels.

Union nap.

Chainsaw Cheerleaders

We are back in action, my friends. To those of you that requested this next movie, I have one question. "Why?" Look we all know I have sat through my fair share of horror films but come on! This is a Donald Farmer flick.  The guy that brought you such titles like: Vampire Cop, Demolition Highway, Space Kid and An Erotic Vampire in Paris.  Yeah not too pleased but let's get through this magnum opus and hope for the best.  This is Chainsaw Cheerleaders.

Attack of the Cheerleader clones!!!

Gonna say right off the bat, I do not recognize the cast aside from the vivacious Tiffany Shepis (Death Factory, Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle Pie, Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp, Devils Moon and Victor Crowley) Troma Scream Queen Debbie Rochon (Hellblock 13, Dead Clowns, In the Woods, Bikini Bloodbath, Splatter Disco, A Feast of Flesh and Nun of That) and Jim O'Rear (The Vampyre Wars, Hayride Slaughter, Charlie and Sadie, The Legacy, The Dead Matter, Resurrection and Stephen King's The Boogeyman), so this could be trouble.

The opening title shots looks like the beginning to a porno (Not that I would ever lower myself to watching such) with chainsaws, some mild public domain techno rock mix, hard bodied teens glistening with sweat, close up pans on lips getting licked so subtlety is right out the window.

Firstly, Dawn (Michele Grey of The Green Room, Plague of the Damned, Love Fever, Lucidity, The Alantan and Unravelled) a chainsaw brandishing cheerleader gives us some narrative.

Tiffany may have accidentally killed this girl. Not sure.

500 years prior, enter Lucinda (Tiffany Shepis) rocking a peasant gown out in a park er um ancient pathway to the king's court. As she torments her chosen victim with...a CGI creature and a large ceremonial knife. With a bit of heart or rather a lot of it, two robed monks interrupt Lucinda's ceremony and thwart her wicked ways with cleansing fire...for now.

Modern day, it looks like we entered a flea market uh that is, occult store. Yeah that's it. Getting items for the upcoming Macbeth high school play with creeper shopkeeper Angelique as we fade into Dawn and her boyfriend Dax (Christopher Shaw of Chainsaw Cheerleaders)apparently making a VHS nudie tape of them getting fleshy. VHS for that? Damn hipsters!

A gaggle of girls.

Mom (Susan Delmonico of The Green Room, Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Shrimp Crawl and Hamlet & Hutch) and Dad (Writer/director Donald Farmer of Vampire Cop, Red Lips, Red Lips II, Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat, Body Shop and Dorm of the Dead)are none to pleased with young Dawn and are laying down the law. Dawn storms out of the house, bumps into her friend Sarah who informs her that Dax has moved on according to rumor. Yup, the hits keep on coming.

Bumping into our less than thinking lad and his new conquest, Dawn handles this problem as only a young, delicate flower of a girl can. By kneeing his marbles and smashing his nose with her combat boots.

Guidance Counseling: After Dark.

With the threat looming of assault charges, Mom and Dad want Dawn to see the school  headshrinker/guidance counselor Dr. Lacey (Debbie Rochon) who FYI, kinda smoking hot in glasses. Her suggestion is something peppy for our little angry Goth girl like cheerleader camp. 

Hmm Bloody Pom Poms joke or Cheerleader Camp: To The Death joke?

The saw is the law, bub.

Anywho, Dawn is whisked away for that very mind numbing activity. Apparently the cheerleader group is the Village of the Damned with all the blondes of Chassy (Jackey Hall of Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Chrome Angels, Biohazard: Patient Zero and The Invited), Ciara (Ciara Richards of Demon Sight, Dorm of the Dead, Chainsaw Cheerleaders, and La Premiere) and Jessica (Rabecca Lee of Chainsaw Cheerleaders). Ugh. Main protagonist narrative throughout film... Oh God, did I slip in an Uwe Boll movie by accident??

The trio of the damned (yup still making the Village reference) send Dawn to sell a magazine subscription as she just so happens to find the creeper demon worshiping crowd.

Shop owner Angelique (Ana Xaden of Chainsaw Cheerleaders) is bringing Lucinda back through a portal from Hell, maybe a Sliders portal, rift in the space time continuum. Hell, I don't know. All I know is Tiffany is still rocking the peasant gown.

Plot holes around Dr. Lacey sends a horny guy away that ruined the tawdry naughtiness to be had so she had to resort to her B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) that is going places only your lover and gynecologist ventures, ladies.  Yeah. Yeah.  We are not privy to those in depth shots.  Apparently good taste prevails.   Pretty sure the breast augments cost more than the flick's budget.

Can team spirit prevail??? Will the girls fend off the evil witch???

Practical effects are fairly solid for a smaller budget. There is decent blood spatter, gore effects, monster appliances are well done. The sound quality tends to pop a bit transitioning from scene to scene and we have some out of focus shots where not all of the actors were deemed worthy of being captured.

Michelle Grey and Tiffany Shepis put in a solid performance. Absolutely loved Debbie Rochon's no nonsense character so overall it is a serious note but yeah I can't say I was blown away by the film. Not bad but not good. Sort of a middle of the road... a road inhabited by supernatural entities and cheerleaders.

I did laugh when Klove (Rudy Ownbey of Chainsaw Cheerleaders) was a mindless slave. Wasn't Klove the name of Patrick Troughton in Scars of Dracula? 

Well she's no Juliet Starling, but acceptable.

Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre

And we are back. Y'know, gang sometimes the title along says, "C'mon you're curious to see how this pans out." With today's film that is a definite and with the blessing of the film's director, Jim Wynorski (The Lost Empire, Chopping Mall, Not of This Earth, The Return of Swamp Thing Sorority House Massacre II, Dinosaur Island, Vampirella and Stealth Fighter) giving me the go-ahead, I think I will give this a gander. This is Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre.

Um...they're dirty girls?

Yeah I got your attention with that title. Our film starts off with a bang (not that kind, ya pervs) as two guys from the Arkansas Fracking Industries set off a series of explosions. Fracking is a term for explosive demolitions.  Our collective of ninny Fred (Production designer and Art department Robert Hummel of Dinocroc, Hell Ride, Tekken and Alien Rising) and Sam get their truck stuck as POV shots are in hot pursuit behind them.

Subplot1 has Detective Patterson (Traci Lords of Cry-Baby, Not of This Earth, Blade, First Wave, Deathlands, Frostbite, Novel Romance and Swedish Dicks) and Detective Adam (Corey Landis of That 70's Show, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Camel Spiders, Dracula: Reborn, Toy Masters and Bad Internet) are pursuing a couple of guys that pulled off a heist and they are dogged and hot on the trail.

Meanwhile, subplot 2 as a region designated for chain gang work. No Sonny Landham or James Remar in sight but a bevy of beautiful girls doing time.  So yes, this is a combo platter of women in prison and creature feature.  Also prison regs are tank tops and shorty shorts.   Um...must have missed that on the last Orange is the New Black.  With only two guards watching them I can see this only going well.  They are required to dig in this swamp area and remove stumps.   Guessing the warden's favorite movie is Chained Heat.   Again, only a theory.

My hair tussled enough?

With guards Carl (John Callahan of All My Children, Dinocroc vs Supergator, eCupid, Zoe Gone and The Bay) and Mike (Serafin Falcon of Transporter 2, I Love Miami, The Sopranos, Burn Notice, The Bait, South Beach and NCIS: Los Angeles) on the case, you know...well the girls have only to jiggle and they would be distracted.

Don't worry, my sexist pig readers, the girls manage a little wet T-Shirt dribble here and there for this hard working. Let's meet our bad girls, shall we? Shannon (Amy Holt of Girls Gone Psycho, The Unit, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Break a Hip and Terry), Sarah (Skye McDonald of NCIS: Los Angeles, Murder in the First, Follow Me, The Bet, Stalked by My Mother, Growth:VR and Leading Lady), Michelle (Christine Nguyen of Dexter, House of Lies, Tarzeena: Queen of Kong Island, All Babe Network, Vigilante Diaries and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation), Anita (Cindy Lucas of Piranhaconda, After Midnight, Shark Babes, Scared Topless and Legend of the Naked Ghost) and Samantha (Tabitha Marie of Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre).  Samantha goes to scrub up a wound and seemed to have disappeared.

Sleeping off eating Quint.

Heavens, an injured woman on the side of the road...while you are carrying four convicts.  Hmm, nah nothing wrong here.   Honey (Dominique Swain of Girl, Happy Campers, Lolita, Face/Off, Tart, Alpha Dog and A Doggone Christmas) pulls a fast one on our guards and it's all aboard the prison escape van.

Okay let's get the observation snarking out of the way. The POV shots show me clear, almost tropic waters shots while the main swamp shots have dingy, muck water.   There I did that.  We all happy? Fine, at least three of the guns changed calibers and models.  Yes, I'll finish. Boy, lush vegetation of palm trees, fichus and an underwater cavern in Arkansas seems unlikely.

Patterson and Adam join in to find the missing convicts so not sure about their previous objectives but they are on the case These here waters be infested, me buckos.  Yar!

With abducted Carl in hand, the girls camp out in a house rented by Honey and naturally it's near the swamp lines. Dry land, girls. C'mon already!

An evil industrial complex (because aren't they always?) may have unleashed an ancient predator back into the world by fracking the area prior. This bit of exposition brought to you by Professor Orville, geologist (Chris De Christopher of Distant Justice, Death Racers, Vampire in Vegas, The Devil Wears Nada, Busty Cops Go Hawaiian and Attack of the Killer Donuts) and his pretty boy assistant, John (Oscar DeRosa of Magic City, Hoke, Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre and Lionheart). Claiming it may be able to travel on land as easily as water. Cue Richard Dryfus speech!

With the cops massing a manhunt and this sharkasaurus running wild in the swamps, the girls figure it is high time to bounce.

Will they make it out in time? Can they dodge the cops?

Okay it's a bit campy but you get the vibe it is supposed to be. It's a throwback to the era that brought us The Killer Shrews with a popular shark attack theme and hot girls. Personally I had fun with it. Yes the land sharks gag did make me think of SNL, I know the firearms are Airsoft or BB guns and again I do not care.   I had a blast with this bit of goofy.  Love Traci's performance feels like she is channeling Tommy Lee Jones' U.S. Marshal Gerard from The Fugitive and U.S. Marshals.

Half of the reviews I read about this movie are outright vicious.   Hey "critics"! Just because you made some trivial observation, doesn't give you the right to crap on a film.  We are supposed to be objective and dispassionate in what we see and hear.   Yeah I noticed license plates too.  You got a problem that much with it?  Write and direct your own.

I couldn't shut off Spanish subtitles. Yay me.