Madman

Hey folks I have returned! I know not nearly the impressive staple as clouds parting and a booming voice from above but I must make do. So what is true to form with this blog? How about a 80s slasher film about a legendary mass murderer? Yeah one day it will be the musings of an Albert Brooks film or possibly Glenn Ford Western. Instead howzabout a crazed lunatic that has been summoned in Bloody Mary fashion? On the edge of your seats yet? This is Madman a.k.a. Madman Marz a.k.a. The Legend Lives

Jeez, most bad acts just get the hook.

Well if it wasn't an obscure Indie Horror movie, the alternative titles clearly has made its way telling me the stars have aligned. Probably not for the better. Let's get into this, shall we?

Our opening credits are shot more like end credits and have a pronounced piano score but hey who am I to judge? I think I can also hear a synthesizer. My God those things were rampant in the 80s.

It all started during a campfire at North Sea Cottages, a special retreat for gifted children... No seriously, that is the tagline intro to the scene. Then Professor Charles Xavier drafted this gifted youngsters in his school for the gifted and they had to fight Magneto. No wait, yeah that's a different retreat and far more gifted youngsters.

No zombies in the hot tub. I checked.

Instead we get to hear a little diddy about Madman Marz, hiding in the woods looking for victims. We are treated to what one could only conclude as flashbacks of Madman Marz's greatest hits or slayings while the song is going on. SLEEP TIGHT KIDS! Oh and severed heads float around here, zombies pop out of the ground, stay off the moors and beware of wolves. There. That will shut them up about canoe rides.

This editing choice I find out later is actually later footage of the film spliced in. Congrats film! You are your own spoilers! I mean, what the hell? I do my level best not to give much away and the damn movie is doing it for me.

Okay before we go any further down this rabbit hole, I have to be honest. With that in mind, TP (Tony Fish a.k.a. Tony Nunziata of Madman and performer of Song of the Fifth Wind and I Don't Need Words) and Betsy (Actress/writer/director Gaylen Ross of Dawn of the Dead, Madman and Creepshow) are the real drawing power in this movie. The supporting cast means well but unfortunately they really don't have the training or natural talent. No fault to them, it's just line delivery is very clunky or they simply could not word it as well to sound more fluid.

And there on the handle,was a hook...

Trust me, Betsy looks pretty bad ass toting a boom stick around. I'm watching this and my brain kicks in as I find myself saying, "Francine of Dawn of the Dead? What are you doing here?"

Naturally we have a dumb ass kid that doesn't take the legend seriously and proceeds to quietly chant Marz's name summoning him into the woods. Smooth, kid. While you're being a complete ninny hammer, why not get Candyman and Bloody Mary as well? I mean your self-preservation skills are so low and all, maybe all three will duke it out on who gets the next kill.

Our teens to twenty somethings all group off and Marz starts cutting a bloody swath through the grounds. With not knowing where everyone is, clearly we need to form search parties, SHOUT THEIR NAMES REALLY LOUD and hope for the best. Doesn't that sound keen?

At least people are arming themselves. Almost unheard of in a slasher film. Usually they grab an ax handle or a rock and try to fend of the killer, but this time we got folks packing heaters. A roscoe, a piece, the difference. For those too young to know these terms, I speak of guns.

As the night is rapidly dwindling away, the survivors just know if they can make it out of the campgrounds and get to the cops, everything will be alright...or will it? DUN DUN DUN!!!

Now some Fun Film Facts...or just odd news attached to this particular flick. As this was supposed to be happening during mid spring, the early winter had to be combatant with painting leaves of the trees and the bushes green on location to give the illusion. Really makes you feel for the cast, doesn't it?

Our Madman Marz, Paul Ehlers received the news his wife went into labor. So unable to get out of his eerie mountain man murderer apparel, Ehlers greeted his son Jonathan in full makeup including fake blood and overalls. Let's just hope the lad didn't imprint on that.

With a feel of being a hybrid of Friday the 13^th, The Burning and Bloody Mary, I have seen this same formula handled better. Again not a bad film but it didn't really strive to do something of real note.

Well...there goes his modeling caareer.

Night of the Creeps

Heya kids I am back and we are going for some 80s throwback. Why 80s? Well they are some of the most outlandish, bizarre and risk taking with stories. We are back with Tom Atkins (Escape from New York, The Howling, The Fog, The Rockford Files Halloween 3: Season of the Witch and Maniac Cop) and his awesome power imbuing mustache which has served him well via the 1980s and our film is being handled by writer/director Fred Dekker (House, The Monster Squad, If Looks Could Kill, Ricochet, Tales from the Crypt and Robocop 3) so expected weirdness. This is Night of the Creeps.

Yeah I didn't get lead, got stuck as love interest.

With an alternative title of Homecoming Night; our film already has cult classic status, as if college wasn't a difficulty enough but they now must contend with the Homecoming Dance. In the far away time of 1959, a spacecraft race to find an experiment from getting released by a member of the crew. This container holding said experiment crash lands on Earth.

A couple are parking and necking when they follow the path of a shooting star. An criminally insane patient has recently escaped and meets the creature, the aliens were in hot pursuit. A slug like creature makes the nutter butter even more crazy as he engages in a little axe murder. Said creature glurks out of ax murderer's mouth and the now ex-boyfriend captures it in a container.

Yes I am the hard ass. give it a squeeze.

30 years later... Sorry love the ellipses.  At any rate, 30 years later we have a gaggle of teens headed to college, jammed pack with hormones and need for identity.  Two frat pledges, Chris (Jason Lively of Brainstorm, National Lampoon's European Vacation, Monday Morning, Rock 'n' Roll High School Forever and Maximum Force) and JC (Steve Marshall of Night Heat, 21 Jump Street, Justice Denied and Sleeping in a Dream) end up releasing our film's evil McGuffin and the guy frozen in '59 and out and about infecting brohans and making slug wagons (pithy euphemism for zombies controlled by semi-intelligent, intergalactic slugs).

Damn Zombrohan! Use a door!

Chris while freaked out by the walking dead guy, he makes his way to the dance. Meanwhile the cops get a report from the cryogenics department in this small town college and head of investigations is none other that Detective Cameron (Tom Atkins of The Fog, The Howling, Halloween III: Season of the Witch and Maniac Cop), a hard-assed, bad ass on the ragged edge. Probably two weeks from retirement. He recognizes the frozen body as it was the kid from '59 that disappeared all those years ago. Cameron has to get to the bottom of all this.

And before it is asked, yes there is mild nudity so thank the gods we cleared up the age old question I get. "Will there be titty?" With Chris, Cynthia and Cameron working together, the slug wagons attack the prom pre-party for some monster mayhem. Still love that Cameron happened to have a flame thrower in police armory. In a small town. Totally believable.

The cluster of ideas and themes blends pretty well together with a mixture of 1950s Sci-fi alien invasions the zombie craze courtesy of George Romero, a dash of slasher film and even some teenage touchy feely dialogue worthy of John Hughes.

With seven days this script was penned by the director, selling the product with the notation, unless he directed it, he wasn't selling the script. The granite hew balls on this guy! Tristar floats him $5 million for his 1986 release. Not too shabby. While the gross was only about five hundred thousand in gross box office, this film did better with the video rental crowd and became a cult classic.

A quick side note. All main characters' last names are the names of famous Horror directors, Bruce Solomon's Sgt Raimi (Sam Raimi of The Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn), Jill Whitlow's Cynthia Cronenberg (David Croneneberg of Scanners, Videodrome, The Dead Zone and The Fly) Wally Taylor's Detective Landis (John Landis of The Blues Brothers, An American Werewolf in London and Innocent Blood) Jason Lively's Chris Romero (George A. Romero of Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Martin, Day of the Dead, Creepshow and Monkey Shines). There really is no one category for this film as it is comedy, horror, sci-fi and action.

This is another one of those flicks you can't simply quantify and group. Last film tidbit, Fred Dekker was roommates with Shane Black and they both worked on the script. Later Shane Black would go on to writing Lethal Weapon and Predator.   Scream Factory released a collector's edition Blu-ray a month ago. Considering it was in bootleg territory in 2005, it is nice to see it getting some love in the current format.

Evil slugs or sentient turds?

Nightmare Beach

Hi gals and guys I am back once more! Well I had a load of fun with my Laurene Landon Western, so naturally it's time for a slasher film. I mean I can't enjoy every bit of my week, that's crazy talk. So howzabout a man coming back from the dead to instill bloody vengeance on a town that wronged him? No not Crystal Lake. I think I have reviewed all the Friday the 13ths. No, instead I thought I would look into Italian Horror /Action director Umberto Lenzi (Paranoid,The Spy Who Loved Flowers, Desert Commandos, Pistol for a Hundred Coffins, Eyeball, The Tough Ones and Cannibal Ferox). This is Nightmare Beach a.k.a. Welcome to Spring Break.

So stuck being the love interest? That's 80s for ya.

Sadly only one alternative title. So this time around we are in Florida, awaiting the execution of notorious biker, Diablo (Tony Bolano of Invasion U.S.A., Miami Vice, 21 Jump Street, The take, Wiseguy, Red Wind, Baywatch, Just Cause and Bad Boys) is sentenced to sizzle like 4 strips of bacon. Yup he's gonna buckle up like Ted Bundy (yeah I was a kid in Florida when Bundy was electrocuted) and justice will prevail.

Among the viewing is the sister of the last victim, Gail (Sarah Buxton of Rock 'n' Roll High School Forever, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter is Dead, Fast Getaway II, Sunset Beach, Days of Our Lives, and The Bold and the Beautiful) as well as Chief Stryker (John Saxon of Enter the Dragon, Dynasty, Hands of Steel, A Nightmare on Elm Street, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Death House, The Baby Doll Murders and New Nightmare).

Calling me psycho? I'll eat your dog! Calling me psycho.

Unbeknownst to the good people of Ft. Liquordale, er um Lauderdale, our biker may have risen from the dead and is out and about; with a hunger for vengeance. Spring Break is well into effect and two such bros hoping to score tail, Ronnie (Rawley Valverde of Guns of Paradise, Nightmare Beach, Santa Barbara, Baby Talk, Made in America and JAG) and his football bud, Skip (Editor/actor Nicholas De Toth of The Stuff, Scarecow and Mrs. King, The Invisible Kid and Nightmare Beach). 1989, who names their kid Skip? Even if it is just a nickname, who the hell did that after the 1950s??!!!

With a bouncy co-ed ready to take the first plunge in the hotel pool, she spots a body floating. By the way, this pool area was packed and she was the first person to notice said floater?? C'mon!

Oh, it's just a prank. Tee hee. 

 With this nonsense going on; across town Diablo's grave has been dug up, coffin and all. Naturally his former biker gang, the Demons are suspect but seriously, what the hell are they going to do with a corpse?  Wait, this might be one of those answers I really don't want.

So we ruled out vampires and Freddy Kruger then? Well, I'm stumped

Meanwhile a leather clad biker is buzzing down the highway wearing Demon colors mounting a killing spree? Curiouser and curiouser.   Mark Parks hasn't had a case sting this badly since The Savage Bees. Doctor Wilet (Michael Parks of Prime Suspect, Caged Fury, Twin Peaks, Sorceress, From Dusk Til Dawn, Wicked, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, Death Proof, Planet Terror, Red State and Tusk) is the main coroner and boy his weekend is going to be packed, much like his shelves.

John Saxon, what in the nine hells are you doing in this?! You were in Argento's Tenebre and Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street!!! Of course you were in Blood Beach and Prisoners of the Lost Universe.   Hmm.   Fortunately, John Saxon is no stranger to undead killers, Freddy gave him a leg up with this experience.

City Hall crawling so far in the Chief's ass, no proctologist will be able to relieve him. With a couple of close calls for Gail, she starts to wonder if Diablo is actually returned as he promised.

With crispy victims, it's almost like how Diablo died. Getting this all down, Chief? I understand you plan to ignore this problem until it drives up and fries you on the ass!

Kids, don't smoke with that much Aqua Net on.

Skip's confused on where his buddy Ronnie ended up. Maybe City Hall doesn't want to hearken attention to the merest possibility of an undead serial slasher hell bent on cutting a bloody swath through Ft. Lauderdale. Can't really expect tourist dollars to come rolling in.

Overall, the film's clever in some standings but it tends to drag. We have other death scenarios that don't rely on an electric chair output from a Honda bike and some of the characters have been fleshed out but aside from the primary characters you really can't be bothered to care that most of these doofy college kids are getting bumped off. Albeit, they're not as poorly written as say, an Eli Roth character, wallowing in their own stagnant pond scum, but also not really interesting to merit sadness.

 Oh no, that superficial jagoff that was rude to girls not sleeping with him is dead.  He had so much going for him.

FX makeup and gore gags guru Gary F. Bentley (Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, The Wrong Guys, Savage Beach, Robocop 3, Alien: Ressurection and Timeline) are pretty bang on. From crispy kids, some gutting and strangulation, the work is solid. The story is just goofy.

The music does actually set the tone, which is impressive considering most of the deaths are daylight hours. Thankfully composer Claudio Simonetti (Deep Red, Suspiria, Dawn of the Dead, Tenebre, Conquest, Demons, Hands of Steel, Primal Rage, Mother of Tears and Bankok Dangerous) is trying to send shivers down your spine.

At its core, it is a slasher movie and the veteran actors of this genre are on their "A" game, I'm just probably burned out on how many killers return from the grave and most likely jaded.

With a mild amount of T 'n' A, graphic gore scenes and chasing all over Ft. Lauderdale, it does make for decent thrills but at the end, I give it a C+. Nothing genuinely scared me, the story is a bit jumbled and I wasn't that impressed with the finished product.

How this fell under the Video Nasties list in the day must have been out of title only. 

Hapless and horny.

Hospital Massacre

Well welcome back readers and Happy Valentine's Day. Now I was convinced there were no more Valentine's Day themed horror films. Oh how I was wrong. Point in fact, I discovered a slasher film based around Valentine's Day past, a spurned horny guy became a crazed horny guy and it also has alternative titles. This is Hospital Massacre a.k.a. X-Ray a.k.a. Ward 13 a.k.a. Be My Valentine, or Else...

Darkman??!!

Penned by writer Marc Behm (The Return of Dr. Mabuse, Help!, Someone Behind the Door, Lady Chatterley's Lover, Deadly Circuit and Eye of the Beholder), we go right to title cards and eerie music intro. Sets the tone that we are in Horror movie territory and I appreciate that. The year is 1961 and a less than popular boy name of Harold leaves a Valentine's Day card for a girl Susan. Susan and her friend David outright mock Harold. Harold snaps, breaks into the house and offs David with of all things, a hatstand? FYI, the house is Valentine decorated. I didn't even think that was a thing, let alone in 1961.

19 years later Susan (Playboy Playmate Barbi Benton of ChiPs, Fantasy Island, Deathstalker, Riptide and The Love Boat) is all grown up, divorced and has a daughter Eva (Tammy Simpson of X-Ray and All Summer in a Day). Smug ass ex-husband Tom (Jimmy Stathis of Dogs, The Black Room, Vultures, Drug Runners, Double Deception and House) seems to almost hold Eva in distain. Mommy's little white lie. Probably not mine. Okay, that is the vibe I get of this cat. Ex-hubby gets an evil orchestral tune as well.

Death by Coat Rack!!!

With her new boyfriend, Jack (Jon Van Ness of Tourist Trap, Some Kind of Hero, In the Custody of Strangers, The Natural, The Hitcher, Aligator II: The Mutation and Supernatural), Susan needs to stop off at the hospital for a routine check up...or is it? DUN DUN DUN!! Jack points out "Isn't this the hospital that had all that trouble last year?" Well that is minor exposition so I won't slap you, Jack. This time.

Fair warning, there is a sea of red herring in our flick so get your waders on. Hospital intern Harry (Charles Lucia of Hill Street Blues, Lou Grant, T.J. Hooker, Stingray, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, Tank Girl, Indecent Behavior III and Edie & Pen) is one of those overtly friendly guys around anyone with boobs. The "I'm two drinks away from peeping in your window creeper," kind of guy.

Meanwhile a man in surgical scrubs roams the hospital, as most doctors do, but to a creepy theme track. The killer perhaps??

One of the doctors is killed by said scrubs and he tampers with her file. Doctors Saxon and Beam read this paperwork and clearly establishes Susan is unstable and should be detained for 42 hours of observation. Meanwhile this is a new chart. She looks a bit put out as these lies aren't registering with her doctors. You've been coming to them for HOW LONG??!!!

Hey Earl, this chart says she belongs in da wacko basket! WTF, movie? WTF.

I did laugh my ass off at the name Nurse Kitty. Yeah it just sounded straight out of some cheesy porno. Nurse Kitty! I need you to take their temperature! Deep!

With severed heads being snuck into her room, wayward boyfriend Jack must have fallen asleep...FOR HOURS!!! Good God, man. Didn't you need food, drink or even a sound piss?! She did say she'd be a few minutes. Maybe he concluded it would be like shopping for shoes for a few minutes and figured, "Meh I can get a nap in."

"My God, they're real!"

Yes my piggy manchild readers, there's some skin in this 80s slasher film. Yeah I knew the plot wouldn't keep your attention so don't worry, there are boobs.

Will the bodies stack like cord wood? Will any sense be made of the script? Who is the killer, besides the obvious guy??

So interesting trivia, they actually had an abandoned hospital to shoot this all in. Mind you, that could mean random hobos, rats the size of a hubcap and rivers of piss down the hallways but overall; they didn't have to worry about blocking the building or censoring actual patients.

Apparently the room was packed during Barbi Benton's nude scene. Go figure. I for one was shocked. Why she had to be nude for an examination that wasn't even a breast exam??

This slasher has all the hallmarks of Final Exam or Hide and Go Shriek. A stand alone film that didn't need or warrant a sequel but, of course the perposterious scenario of happenings was really less than feasible. Some good ideas but not well executed. Decent cast and crew, just goofy story.

"Yes, they're real."

The Initiation

Hello again my readers and welcome back for more 80s Horror Throwback. What could be more 80s than what we already experienced? Well, how about an obscure 1984 maniac slasher film that didn't get a massive collective of sequels? Yeah I know that many of you are confused but not every low budget slasher film was deemed necessary or worthy of sequels. Now look at some of those Fridays and Halloweens and tell me if they did a decent job all the way through. No instead of griping about lack of continuity or grasp of temporal mechanics, let's give view to actor turned director Larry Stewart in his incursion into horror. This is The Initiation.

So that Lonestar guy just starts hitting on me. Ewwww...

A gaggle of sorority sisters jiggling and giggling while a deranged nutter butter stalks them? Let me guess, he escaped a secured maximum wacko basket, visited the local hardware store and is on the loose?

Our film's location is Dallas/ Ft. Worth so you got a lot of ground to cover.  Our story focuses around Kelly Fairchild (Daphne Zuniga of The Sure Thing, Modern Girls, Spaceballs, Last Rites,Melrose Place, Monkey in the Middle adn Beyond Paradise), our plucky protagonist who has a recurring dream of a strange man burning to death, screaming and flailing himself inside her childhood house. Seriously 80s, did any of the teen protagonists have a pseudo-quasi, normal childhood? If that wasn't stress enough, Kelly is taking part in initiation for her sorority house. A group of pledges have to break into her dad's department store after hours with several of her friends. Simultaneously, miles away from all this gallivanting; a sanitarium has a riot, nutters get free and a nurse has been forked to death. (I WROTE FORKED, PERVS!).

NO ONE ESCAPES THE CLAW!!!!

Mother and Father Fairchild cracked me up as it is Frances (Vera Miles of The Searchers, Psycho, Follow Me, Boys!, The Spirit is Willing, Hotel, Murder, She Wrote and Separate Lives) and Dwight (Clu Gulager of The Killers, The Last Picture Show, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Uninvited, The Return of the Living Dead, Gunfighter, Feast, Piranha 3DD, and Blue Jay). I guess more Clu Gulager equals boobs and gore for your horror film. That morning, Frances and Dwight have been notified of the escape as if a dark secret is about to rear its ugly head. Those aren't Dwight's real boobs!!! GASP!! Uh I mean Angela's a boy!!! Um Ricky has a psychic link to an annoying blind girl?

Jinkies, Kelly being a good girl is a bit concerned for the evening's event as she goes to hang out with Peter (James Read of North and South, North and South, Book II, Legally Blonde, American Dreams and Charmed)to work on her thesis for psychology and hopes to understand her nightmares. It just means you into Rick James, baby. That's all.

Yes Debbie, they're real. k?

Back at the department store, the night porter has the life expectancy of a Starfleet red shirt. Now the killer has free reign of the multi-level store. Now to steal all the parachute pants and linen suit jackets! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Kelly, Marcia (Marilyn Kagan of Foxes, Mork & Mindy, Hart to Hart, The Ladies Club and Ellen) and Alison all agreed to split up to look for these uniforms for the initiation. Y'know, instead of the girls sticking together and Kelly leading them all to where the uniforms would be. Cause that would make sense!

While the bodies are stacking up like cord wood, Peter does a work-through with the microfilm and news clippings of convenience describing Kelly's childhood fire as a floor manager at Dwight's store.

Is the killer this Mr. Crispy? Can nothing be done to stop the maniac? What of the secret of the Yeti?

The Bold and the Beautiful fans should get a kick out of seeing Hunter Tylo a.k.a. Dr. Taylor Hayes as Alison in this flick. This is assuming The Bold and the Beautiful fans read my blog.

So with a few plot twists, a red herring here and there, this isn't a bad slasher. Daphne's performance stands out the most because she is really trying to emote and it shows. It had some genuine kill counts, some impressive gore effects, the acting was solid and honestly it was creepy. It would have been creepier, if I didn't see the writing on the wall of 80s tropes coming to fruition. That's okay. I have seen a fair amount of Horror than most.

He died as he lived. Mistaken for wood.

Uninvited

Hey gang, welcome back to 80 Horror Throwback. So I have to say the notion of a Killer Cat film outside Poe's Black Cat via Lucio Fulci is foreign territory. Seen enough Killer Dog flicks than you can shake a stick at. So why not add a few more unlikely scenarios. Say for example, a mafia don hosting a party on his yacht in the Caribbean? Scientists tinkering with Fluffy's DNA creating a virtual monster? This is Uninvited a.k.a. Killer Cat

They gave him one too many shots.

Yup sadly only one English Alternative Title this time around. What can you do?   Our film was written and directed by Greydon Clark (Black Shampoo, Angel's Revenge, Final Justice, Dark Future, Mad Dog Coll and Star Games) so yes there is an exploitation background and two of his films have featured on MST3K so you know we may have some chop in the water with this one.

With our instrumental and credits interspersed with a mild bit of exposition, our two doctors believe the test subject has a tumor ranging inside of it (Obligatory Arnold quote: "Eet's not a Tumah!) so you know PETA and ASPCA are already annoyed. Our subject is a fluffy orange tabby that looked a bit disturbed at a impeding shot they were going to give him when he he bolts away. Should they have closed the door? Hmm, sound thinking but we don't have time for rational thought.

A further note is one of the doctors calls for radiation security. So now we have armed men in hazmat suits? The furball is nuclear??! What the nine hells is that about? Tranqing him, the security team thinks they got him (It's a trick, get an ax.) and he proceeds to go sick house on them, spraying cherry pie all over the walls. Yes some bizarre mutation allowing him to house another creature inside of him like a host to a parasite (Thanks for the spoiler reveal in 3 minutes and forty-eight seconds!) allowing him to skibble away with POV shots that would have been better served on a Jeeper Creeper because the shot looks like either a human hunkered over or a Great Dane with a Go Pro.

Dr Grady (Greydon Clark) and his lab assistant (Only titled as Lab Assistant) Paul proceed to lower mesh metal gates in a parking lot have secured the building and they're going after the cat. Yeah best of luck with that. I expect Boysenberry blood spatter similar to the previous cherry pie gunk. FYI, the stock cat sound effects in ADR is really limited and slightly ridiculous.

Subplot 2 is two girls trying to find a hotel for Spring Break are aided by a mysterious Mr. Graham (Alex Cord of Route 66, The Brotherhood, Police Sotry, Airwolf, Airwolf TV Movie and Fire from Below), a shady fellow living in the hotel. Hmm... the plot thickens? Suzanne (Shari Shattuck of Hot Child in the City, Freddy's Nightmares, Goddess of Love, Mad About You, Death Spa, Dallas and Silk Stalkings) and Bobbie (Clare Carey of Zombie High, Waxwork, Coach So Little Time, Point Pleasant and Jericho) are just a tad clueless to the bright neon sign over Graham's head that says: I AM A MAFIOSO but it happens.

Tee hee.  We have bewbs.

Graham needs to tend to a "meeting" with his "associates" Mike (George Kennedy of The Silent Witness, Have Gun- Will Travel, Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte,Airport, The Naked Gun, Dallas and The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear) and Albert (Clu Galager of Have Gun- Will Travel, The Rebel, The Tall Man, The Virginian, The Return of the Living Dead, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Walker, Texas Ranger and Feast), to go over Subplot 3 of the Mafia angle and a deal of great importance.

It seems their weaselly trader/banker Darryl (Michael Holden of Automan, Freddy's Nightmares,Cheers, L.A. Law, Reasonable Doubts, Fallout and 24) is having a devil of a time, money laundering. The FTC (Federal Trade Commission) has been snooping around the irregularities of flux of money is getting paranoid being small potatoes and knows if he screws up he will have 10 to 25 years with a cellmate/boyfriend name of Bubba. A hot tub bubbly bath of drowning later and we know Darryl's not gonna flip.

Vic Vega didn't age well.

Felonious feline forays to the dock, sneaks on aboard the yacht and the body count starts racking up. Again it's a cat. Regardless of its mutation, it's called a hammer. They're five bucks. BONK! BONK!

The puppetry is fair, but it doesn't exactly strike fear into my heart. The husband/wife duo Jim and Debi Boulden (Predator, White fang, Strays, Strange Days, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch) built a nasty looking tabby but again not terror inducing as a whole regardless of the professional creation and the camera blocking.

I am told this particular flick wound up in Rifftrax via Michael Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett so yes you may want to watch that version than this straight through. An additional amusement with the level of gore, nudity and blood spattering against the bulk heads, this cinematic creation fell under PG-13.

A ratings error or did it go straight to video in the day and no one was paying attenion? I do not have all the answers on that one. With 90 minutes on the clock, it is distracting enough for unintentional humor and yes I would say it is a good bad movie for those that love them. So if you want some mindless violence, jiggly girl gallivanting and carnage candy, well this is the film for you. 

This is my stop, Tex!

Clive Barker's Hellraiser

Howdy all. So we had a vote process and I still say it is rigged but nevertheless it is what the people demanded. It is Ape Law! So with that in mind, we journey back to a collective of evil, lack of continuity and completely failing to remember its own rules. We hop in the Wayback Machine (Kids, ask your parents and grandparents about that joke) and we go to the year of 1987 when Horror author Clive Barker (The Damnation Game, The Hellbound Heart, The Scarlet Gospels, Weaveworld, Cabal, The Thief of Aleays and Sacrament) a man Stephen King referred as the Future of Horror was dissatisfied with director George Pavlou (Underworld a.k.a. Transmutations and Rawhide Rex) so took it upon himself to bring the pages to life and basically disturb the hell out of the VHS generation. This is Hellraiser.

Frank (Sean Chapman of Private Party, The New Statesman, Gems, The Fourth Protocol, Hellbound: Hellraiser II, Ellington and The Sea Change) is a disturbing fellow.   The Lament Configuration (The puzzle box) has been made ready for soulless Frank to purchase from a little market vendor of which was always intended to.  Linking a world full of pleasure, torment, sex and death.  Well this flick brings all to the table.  Slaps you in the face with it just to see your reaction.

Man, this guys sneezes, he can kill half the room he is facing.

It has been several months after Frank's disappearance, so his brother Larry (Andrew Robinson of Dirty Harry, Hellraiser, Matlock, Child's Play 3, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, The Pretender, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and JAG) and his frigid wife Juila (Claire Higgings of Pride and Prejudice, The Citadel, Mitch,After the War, Homefront, Eastenders and Doctor Who) check out the abandoned house that is in need of a major airing out and clean up. Cue 80s montage of scrubbing and trash bag shenanigans!!

Ahem. Perhaps a bit more somber approach is needed. Julia apparently knows no joy in her life, let alone from her easily intimidated husband and her step-daughter Kristy (Ashley Laurence of Highway to Heaven, Hellraiser, Monsters, Mikey, Duece Coupe, Lurking Fear, Warlock III: The End of Innocence, Gentle Ben 2: Black Gold and Mystery Woman: Sing Me a Murder) who has the audacity to try and connect with Julia. Yeah she only had eyes for hubby's bro, Frank.

Oh sacred decoder ring. Give me the pleasures I beg of thee!!

But Frank is not nearly as gone as everyone thinks. Signs of life in the house as discarded food, a lumpy mattress and yet no Frank. Larry insists that the house will be cleaned up and will be up and running and He and Julia will be happy together. In spite of, she has next to no interest in him and she comes off as a dirty girl that likes it a bit rough and raw.

Larry is dealing with the strain of his love of his daughter and the hopes of love with his new wife but the two clearly do not care for each other. Also our protagonist is definitely Kirsty. Good, decent person that doesn't have to be virginal to qualify as pure of heart. No offense to Larry intended buuuut.. yeah he is as bland as beef broth. I am just curious what he does for the risque. Tonight honey, you can be on top! OooOo edgy.

After an accident of Larry's, Juila and Kristy go to the hospital as Larry cannot handle blood well and Frank seems to be stop motioning his way through the floor boards, resurrecting himself to meat and bone.

Portrait of the Sexually Dissatisfied.

Kristy seems to be having prophetic dreams of blood and suffering and shrugs a lot of it off as just being a girl or something to that effect.  STOP THAT!    How else are you going to roam into grocery stores, bus stops or laundromats and turn to people saying, " I see you in my dreams of blood..."

For Julia it is really about good and evil. Safe and secure Larry or dark and dangerous Frank. So while Larry is at work, Julia uses hapless men to...reconstitute Frank. Sorry too boring? To re-animate and bring living nerve endings and flesh to a being that clearly was sentenced to Hell and is making his way back into the world. Ewww!!! 

 Frank must have been a damn good lover because he looks like jerky through a lot of this film. A quick thought. There would be the smell of putrefaction, right? These bodies are rotting out as this is dark works.   Eh, whatever.   Not sure what is more disturbing.   Frank looking like a living anatomy doll or Julia's coifed 80s hair.   Frank explains the exquisite pleasures and pains the puzzle box can bring. Doorways to Heaven or Hell and he didn't care which. ALWAYS CARE, FRANK!   

 So Frank is on a bit of a time clock. To escape, he has to be completely flesh bound or the Cenobites with take him back to play with. 

RonCo's new face rejuvenation!

Kristy encounters the puzzle box as well, endures some corridor monsters, a few dated FX and overall a creepy atmosphere she concludes, Puzzle Box Bad. The cenobites start appearing doing other worldly creepy crap and while her soul will be a tasty tidbit, they're concerned that Franky boy isn't playing by the rules. Lead Cenobite (Yes I mean Doug Bradley as Pinhead) informs Kristy they will have Frank and her as well if she crosses them.

Will Hell become of Earth??? Isn't it disturbing how many doorways there are to Hell??

When I first saw this film I was 9 and could not fully process all the nuances of the movie.  The way good and evil where so close together.  From compassion to sadism to generosity to object cruelty, the film shows both sides of the coin closer than most horror films have the guts to do. Apparently Barker encountered the greatest evil of them all. The dreaded MPAA. 

They lost their shit seeing too many pelvic thrusts during a lustful sex scene, too much gore and it being sick and remorseless.  That being said, it is not a bad film.  It is as much lighthearted as it is dark and ominous. There is a balance actually shown in people, environments and even family members.   Barker crafted this warped world that actually shows off sinister needs and the true dark side of the soul but it also established there are rules to life and the universe.

Marvel Comics Presents: Beef Jerky Man!

Pumpkinhead

Howdy gang! I hope you enjoyed that ridiculous video review of Billy the Kid vs Dracula.

That took far, far too long to finish but it is done! Okay funny note, as many articles I added on here from epinions.com, I somehow skipped a decently creepy film. Today's movie hails from MGM and United Artists making a chiller film with an amazing practical effects creature from Stan Winston's Studios plus he helped with the story and directed our movie. This is Pumpkinhead.

Now massage my corns, Lance.

We start off with an odd prologue in 1957 seeing a farmer with his wife and son, Ed refusing shelter to a doomed soul. The man screams, begs, swears and howls in terror as something from the night kills him.

Flash forward to a present day era, Ed (Lance Henriksen of The Terminator, Aliens, Millenium,Alien 3, Dead Man, The Quick and the Dead, NCIS and The Blacklist) is all grown up with a son of his own is now a general goods store man. Amazingly enough no old guys out widdling wood for pipes or toy soldiers.

With a gaggle of promiscuous and rambunctious teenagers (Because don't almost all these movies start that way?) are out and about dirt biking riding, partying and getting ready for the big orgy, one of them accidentally ran over a small boy that happens to be Ed's son. Joel, (John D'Aquino of SeaQuest DSV, Matlock, Melrose Place, Murder, She Wrote, Seinfeld, Sliders and Crossing Jordan) drunken dirt biker ass decides to be worried...about his record and starts freaking out as the rest of the group came back to the cabin they were staying at for the weekend. Joel knocks one of his buddies out, rips the phone cord out of the wall (this is that old timey land line phones many of you younger readers may not know about) locking him and a girl in the closet so they can't alert the cops. Apparently he is on probation for a similar incident. So how many kids has Joel ran over?

Man, I hate those kid shaped road cones!!

Believing the cops are useless, the loss of his son with the fact his wife died giving birth to their boy has overwhelmed Ed with grief, that he knows what he must do. Yup not call the cops or grab a twelve gauge pump hunting the guy down revenge style. Nosiree, he must journey to visit a crazed witch deep in the woods who will bind Ed's soul to this revenge golem known only as Pumpkinhead. Could be a demon too. They were never really clear. The creature is loosen on the world in search of righteous cruelty.

This demonic entity starts roaming the woods as Joel starts to reflect on his asshat ways and proceeds to head out to turn himself into the cops when his girlfriend Maggie (Kerry Remsen of A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Appointment with Fear, Tribes and Round Numbers) hears her name being whispered and goes out to investigate because...well Horror movie obviously. Steve tries to save her but is immediately gacked by this spindly tall monstrosity and drags Maggie away with him.

The dreaded and feared demon, Snappy.  He bites.

Unfortunately given it was his and his late son's blood to resurrect Pumpkinhead, Ed must bear witness to the horrors the creature is inflicting on the kids. Regardless of his need for revenge he cannot stand the sight of these murders.

He begs the old witch to release the creature and put him back so he can do no more harm but the witch laughs saying it's too late and once it is done, Ed's final price will have to be met.

Can Ed lift the curse? Are our hapless and helpless teens done for? How often does this creature make the rounds in these here parts?

This film marks Stan Winston's directorial debut. Many critics were blown away by Winston Studios monster but felt the plot was lacking. Dave Kehr of the Chicago Tribune went on the record saying, "As a technician, Winston clearly knows how to make a monster, but as a director he was yet to learn how to bring one to life."

Personally the family vengeance angle, coupled with grieving father driven to near madness was a compelling idea but the story itself was a bit slow. I mean you have love, loss a need for revenge and even some redemption and okay so it moves a bit slow but that also allows for when the creature will strike next. My only complaint was the creature itself revealed too early. Do a pee wee or extension arm slash and gutting effect first, then crank up a wind machine, a bit of lightning to unveil the beastie at the beginning of the third act.

Lance is what truly keeps this film interesting. Watching him going through this barrage of emotions is impressive and brought his "A"game to it.

This is a surprisingly original atmospheric horror film that gets the most mixed reviews.

At the end of the day, I enjoyed it. I do own a copy of it so that should be proof right there. Impressive effects, performances are done well and overall not too shabby.

Pumpkinhead ensures better gun safety regs in the woods.