Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Creature Features Extravaganza: Monster Island


Welcome back readers if I have any left after Missile to the Moon. Hahahahaha!!! I'm kidding. I would think the rape revenge and women in prison movies would have cost me readers instead of 50's B-movie nonsense. Well I sense from the overall vibe that many felt that yesterday's creature feature was simply not enough creature, in spite of rock monsters and giant spider puppet. Seriously, my mom is terrified of spiders and all that damn thing would have done is made her snort and belly laugh. So today we forge ahead to the far away time of 2004, where a contest to party in the Bermuda Triangle courtesy of MTV. This is Monster Island.


Obligatory cheesecake shot!














Our story follows Josh (Daniel Letterie of Camp, Debating Robert Lee, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life of Ethan Green), a teen with his head in the clouds and slacker by nature is off to the Bermuda Triangle to party his time away, gathered with friends to rock out with special guest star hostess of this event, Carmen Electra. So yeah the kid is stoked, obviously to those around him. Of course things can always go bad as the dreaded Nick Carter of the Backdoor Boys is also in this event. Yeah and um giant fauna due to atomic mutations and genetic manipulation. Still Nick Carter? Chilling.



Yup the acid kicked in already.















With backstage passes to hang with Carmen, Josh is eyeballed by her security guard/ bodyguard Eightball (C. Ernst Harth of Thir13en Ghosts, Capote, Dead Rising, Scammerhead, Almost Human and Joe Finds Grace). Yup that is his name. No he is not black so that joke is lost. Guessing he is a speed freak perhaps and has a real Bulk of Bulk and Skull via Power Rangers look about him. Jinkies it turns out Carmen has thoughts, opinions and is like a real person. Hey give the lad a break, he's barely 20 or so. He was probably too gobsmack at her looks to kick his brain into high gear. With freak weather happening a giant stop animation bug causes havoc and scoops up Carmen carting her to places unknown.

With partakers fleeing left and right heading for the boats for safety, Josh and a group of devoted Electra fans journey into the unknown jungles to save her. Our party consisting of Maddy (Elizabeth Winstead of Sky High, Final Destination 3, Black Christmas, Death Proof, Live Free or Die Hard, The Thing, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Mercy Street) the gutsy brunette and ex-girlfriend of Josh, Jen C. (Chelan Simmons of It, Special Unit 2, Carrie, Snakehead Terror, Smallville, Chupacabra Terror, Supernatural, Final Destination 3, John Tucker Must Die and Love Under the Stars) the dingy but hopeful aspiring actress/musician, nerdy Andy (Cascy Beddow of Jeremiah, Carrie, The Mall Man, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, Life As We Know It, Blade: Trinity and Colony), jock ass and self-centered Chase (Chris Harrison of Smallville, Black Sash, 11:11 and Monster Island)



K, we'll hang later. Peace.















This movie dips back into the 1950s grab bag of effects with scale model miniatures, large scale pneumatic armatures and stop motion capture effects of flying creatures. The film tries to play the tongue in cheek jobs with as much seriousness as allowed. Making their way to the caverns or in this case probably lava tubes, the lot encounters Doctor Harryhausen (the late, great Adam West of Batman, The Adventures of Batman and Robin, Superfriends, Zombie Nightmare, Return Fire, Night of the Kickfighters, Mad About You, Black Scorpion, Johnny Bravo, XIII, The Batman, Family Guy and Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders) a mad scientist responsible for most of the gigantic fauna roaming this island paradise and yes a nod to stop animation/visual effects creator Ray Harryhausen (The Animal World, Earth vs.the Flying Saucers, 20 Million Miles to Earth, The Strange World of Planet X, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, The 3 Worlds of Gulliver, Mysterious Island, Jason and the Argonauts, First Men in the Moon, One Million Years B.C., The Valley of Gwangi and Clash of the Titans).

The script is corny and it's meant to be. Giving love to those old Drive-In movies of the 1950s using the fades and dissolves to models scaled that were super imposed. Almost similar to Mysterious Island in its design.




You get the general vibe that all actors and performers in on this are there for a good time and a paycheck and well it seems just that. Carmen gets to embrace creature feature scream queen status akin to Fay Wray of King Kong or Joan Weldon of Them. It's campy, quirky, sarcastic and overall just damn odd. So naturally I felt a connection to it. Yup beat you all to the punchline, bitches!

Stop-motion animator David Bowes really captures the painstaking effect to make these beasties move along with life-size ant puppeteer George Groove making the ant rigs stomp their way through the kegger.

Yes it is once again slacker/outcast/rebel finds a cause, fights for it risking life and limb and may even get the girl.

Also I am so old I had to look up actress/producer/writer La La Anthony (Gun, Think Like a Man, 1982, Think Like a Man Too, Chi-Raq, Unforgettable and Power) and then it clicked with Unforgettable...but previously I forgot. False advertise, TV series! 


Gahh! You don't get my whimsy, childish behavior, girl!!

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Creature Features Extravaganza: Missile to the Moon


Welcome back to the blog, girls and boys! So last week was me editing the crap out of two movie review videos. The links are up if you want to see them. This week I was looking at a wide range of creature features and thought we could enjoy those. And by "we" I mean me sitting through some of these turds, giving a humorous take on them and you enjoying the write up. This time around we hit a black & white from 1958.  With action, drama, scintillating dialogue...won't be in it.   But how about a mad scientist, two cons on the run and a rocket scheduled to go to the moon?  This is Missile to the Moon.



Sorority sisters rat out Cindy for stuffing her bra.















With director Richard Cunha (She Demons, Giant from the Unknown, Frankenstein's Daughter, Girl in Room 13 and When Strangers Meet)at the helm, what could possibly be to mock at?

For starters not only does this film feel like Catwomen of the Moon it actually has some of the props from it.

For more than 10 years, building and perfecting it, Dr. Dirk Green (MichaelWhalen of Wee Willie Winkie, The Poor Little Rich Girl, The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues, The Dawn Express, My Three Sons and Sea Hunt) has been working with pre-NASA and the government to build better, superior rockets all the while, building his own rocket as well. Like in his backyard in Utah. No, that was not a joke. The colonel of this mission along with Dirk's assistant Steve (Richard Travis of The Man Who Came to Dinner, Mesa of the Lost Women, Cyborg 2087, Lassie, The Legend of Jesse James and Grand Jury) meet with the good doctor with a face-to-face on the news that the funding for his exploration dreams are getting pulled. Guess you don't want to drop that big of a bomb over the phone.




Hold me closer, tiny Colonel.















Arriving as a retirement dinner, Steve and his fiancee June (Cathy Downs of My Darling Clementine, The Amazing Colossal Man, Perry Mason, Surfside 6, Rawhide and Bat Masterson) feel booze and the dullest conversation possible will ease the tension. The tension that is so thick a f*cking lightsaber couldn't cut through it.   Meanwhile two cons have escaped the hoosegow and are looking for a place to hide on the lam.  Naturally Dirk's SPACESHIP isn't guarded, locked up or even inaccessible so those two thinking it was, I don't know maybe a tree fort hide there. Allegedly has an electric fence around it.  Still love they pull back the curtain to Dirk's pad and boom there's the rocket. So adequate engines, fuel, pounds per thrust and no shielding I saw, yeah his house will catch fire the moment of launch. Totally feasible.

With such craftsmanship one could hardly conclude it is a wooden rocket super imposed on a backdrop. Bet you also didn't know that most spaceships have lots of pegboard and flimsy restraints for car batteries as a means of additional electrics. Yeah me either. 



It's clobberin' time!















The sheriff in hot pursuit of these escaped crooks, just asks Dirk if he can look around his pad and is very noncommittal about the giant rocket in his backyard. I mean he had to have attempted some test flights, right? Calculations and preliminary gauging aside, what about the noise and racket of building the damn thing, prepping a launch platform...you know what? Fine, it is totally feasible. What the hell kind of permits would you need for that??!!!

Dirk looks up in the rocket spotting the two hoods and tells the sheriff no one is around. He bribes them with sandwiches, fruits and a few Cokes then tells them they are going into space whether they like it or not. Yeah Green couldn't build a one man rocket so why not make use of these young punks.

Steve and June start looking for Dirk when the pre-flight computer starts blaring, so they go TOWARDS THE BLAST ZONE!!!


Accidentally stowing away, regardless of extra weight, oxygen, fuel and....sorry sorry. TOTALLY FEASIBLE... The five of them are off to the moon. Thankfully they had just enough spacesuits, masks and O2 tanks at the ready. Funny how the moon looks an awful like region for the Vasquez Rocks and of course off to Griffith Park via the Bronson Canyon and the damn caves!!! Why not the 40 Acres in Culver City??!!

Dirk dies from car battery bonking him on the noodle and with his dying words to Steve he hands him this amulet McGuffin to assure them passage. The foolish foursome go and explore with guns. With scrub brush and cacti!!! Dreaded creatures composed of rock proceed to...walk very slowly but threatening our landing party so they proceed to try and drill them...with combustion pistols that has no atmosphere at all. A vacuum one might say. TOTALLY FEASIBLE!!!





Narrowly escaping the incredibly slow moving creatures our heroes head for the caves. Deep in this labyrinth of bat poop is an oxygenated area of the moon inhabited only by women. Con 1 and 2 start falling for the moon girls almost immediately. That's called being horny.



We need about 4,000 gallons of peppermint oil STAT!!!















So the queen mucky muck wants her space broads shipped to Earth and save their culture, blah blah blah. Oh did I mention diamonds just plentiful on the moon? Solves NASA's budget right there. Methinks Armstrong skipped that detail. Con 2 wants the diamonds and makes creeper eyes at all the girls. Seriously, this cat is a thug. This was shot in the seventies it would be Space exploration exploitation and his character would have raped more than half of the girls.

The plot is more thinly veiled than the moon girls, its subplots go really nowhere and ultimately no goal aside from get back home is even made. Also the killer spider puppet in this bit of nonsense is leftover from the 1955 Tarantula.

So good vs evil, Earth Men made mindless by hormones. Yeah there is no real redeeming value to this flick at all. An upside is Rifftrax via Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett of Mystery Science Theater 3000 made it bearable to watch and the riffs are damn funny.


Hey Lonnie, your balls hurt with your pants hiked up too?

Friday, October 13, 2017

Rotten Reelz Reviews Audio Review: Friday the 13th Part 2

Yeah, yeah.  I'll write something next week.   In the mean time, being Friday the 13th,  I present you a an audio review of Friday the 13th Part 2 and yes I swear I will work on some reviews of the written variety next week.   Now watch this and have fun!

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Rotten Reelz Reviews Audio Review # 42: Vampire Journals


As a request I look into more Ted Nicolau movies, I made this review and who knows?  Perhaps I will do some more Subspecies.   It is entirely possible.  Vampire Journals is up and running, awaiting your peepers, comments and queries.   Have fun!

Rotten Reelz Reviews Audio Review #41: George Romero's Land of the Dead

Hey gang!  I screwed up again and forgot to put the review on here.   My apologies.

As always, the link is up and sorry again about that.   Stay tuned!  I will be posting a review on Vampire Journals as well.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Women in Prison...Again: The Concrete Jungle


Hiya guys and gals and welcome back to the week. Yup more Women in Prison films..whoopie...Goldberg. So shocking an innocent girl gets jailed in prison of a drug offense carrying decent weight worth of cocaine. Yeah color me shocked that they threw the book at her. 
 This is The Concrete Jungle.



Your gun is digging into my  hip.














With a lovely skiing holiday coming to an end, Elizabeth (Tracey Bregman of The Funny Farm, Days of Our Lives, The Young and the Restless, Happy Birthday to Me, The Bold and the Beautiful, Sex & Mrs. X, Spyder Games and Low Lifes) is head over heels for her swell guy, Danny (Peter Brown of Lawnman, Laredo, One Life to Live, Loving, JAG, The Wedding Planner, Hell to Pay and Three Bad Men). Well he asks of Liz just one favor. To make sure his skis make it back into the country with no issues. Given how much flake is riding in those skis, Danny convinces her that the cops would never look twice at such a pretty, innocent girl and it will only be this one time. No truer words were spoken as the cops snag her at the airport with skis in hand. Rather than working with the kid and seeing if she is part of an outfit or maybe working for Mr. Big they just toss her springy ass into jail. Now that is a lazy cop and justice system. You could have actually tracked her whereabouts and cross-referenced with Interpol but nah, much easier to lob a kid into the jug.


Methinks she may have been in too long.














Well you know the score. The warden reads her the riot act and tells her to not rock the boat. Warden Fletcher(Jill St. John of The Lost World, Tony Rome, The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone, Diamonds Are Forever, Out There, The Player, The Trip and Northpole) tolerates no insubordination but has to keep wary of the prison's alpha, Cat (Barbara Luna of Ship of Fools, Star Trek Mirror, Mirror episode, The Devil at 4 o' Clock, Hunter, Dragnet, Mission: Impossible and The Sandra West Diaries) a tough as nails yet easy on the eyes hellion who gets what she wants or who she wants. The coke deals go down through the prison and on to the streets. Cat blurts this out trying to nail Elizabeth that even the Warden is bought and paid for.



Yes, I am a Bond girl.














None of this can be proved as there is no paperwork, trail or any direct evidence proving her hand is in the cookie jar. Elizabeth volunteers to get her on tape, has to fend off guards sodomizing her, convicts trying to jump her or kill her and justice seeming far far away.

With the evidence piled up, no one listening to her, Elizabeth has to get tough. Yeah we have the cliche' rapey guards, the prison doctor with a heart of gold and multiple bunk and shower scenes. WooOoO something new there. Reminiscent of Chained Heat but not as well scripted, our film has all the tropes of the lesbians in jail, forced bisexuality, monstrous guards and hosing all the girls down during a riot.

Will Danny get pinched? Will the Warden face incarceration herself? Can the system be fixed?


Budweiser and cocaine: Breakfast of Sleazebags.

Now considering the subgenre, the acting is decent, the scenes are shot very well but the subject matter pisses me off to no end. How many of the same film has to be made over and over? Technically you could say that about every genre out there but for crying out loud, people.

Okay, rant over. You actually feel Elizabeth's desperation for survival, the villains are a bit over the top but having had previous examples of this, that fits the film well. Directed by Tom DeSimone (Chatterbox!, Reform School Girls, Hell Night, The Big Easy, Dark Justice and Swamp Thing) on a budget of 700k, this smut fest brought in over 11 million so yeah you can say it is successful. Simple formula of good girl stuck in a madhouse of bad girls and a corrupt system is easy enough to produce. I guess I could put this up there with Caged Fury and Chained Heat but not sure if that is the bar you need.  Incidentally no trailer due to I couldn't find one Safe For Work and others under 18.



Damn, that is a serious stare down.




Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Women in Prison...Again: Women in Cages


Welcome back to Women in Prison...Again Week. Again I apologize to those not thrilled with how this week will unfurl and it is hard to get around such but one must make do. Innuendos too subtle? Well today I found a Corman production in the Philippines were young innocent girls are being sold on the black market sex slave trade. Tasteful, I know. Hey you didn't have to sit through it. This is Women in Cages.


CATFIGHT!!!!














Man, the title just screams sexist piggies at work, doesn't it? Our story follows Carol "Jeff" Jefferies (Jennifer Gan of In Like Flint, Love, American Style, Nichols, Ironside, Naked Angels, Hello, Dollly and The Virginian) as she takes the fall for her boyfriend's criminal schemes on board his ship consisting of prostitution, gambling and smack trade (heroine for you, suckas). With the heat on his ass, Rudy (Charlie Davao of Bingbong: The Vincent Crisologo Story, Zhi fa wei long, Lethal Panther 2, Rosalinda, Darna and May bukas pa) hides almost a kilo of snow in Jeff's purse. Yeah who doesn't walk around town with that much dope in their purse?

Tossed in this hellhole filled with hellcats, Jeff of course is introduced to Alabama (Not Hot Pocket, Shawn but Pam Grier of The Big Bird Cage, Hit Man, Black Mama White Mama, Coffy, The Arena, Scream Blacula Scream, Foxy Brown, Sheba, Baby, Jackie Brown and Fortress 2) a lesbian torturous sadist of a prison guard...lesbian sadist? Anyway, she takes no crap, keeps girls in line and rewards those that tow the line.


Mmm, Pantene did wonders for your hair.














Seeing Rudy left her holding the bag and the other prisoners hold her in ill-regard, Jeff starts formulating a plan of escape. Stokes (Roberta Collins of The Big Doll House, Women in Cages, Caged Heat, Hardbodies, Hardbodies 2, School Spirit and Death Wish II), a smack addict thinks she can plot against Jeff for more smack. Reason and logic are probably not a heroin addict's best friend. Theresa (Sofia Moran of Playpen, Women in Cages, Batman and Robin (1972), The Smugglers, Bandolera, Secret Witness and Kingpin) is in bed with Alabama, in that she's her regular Saturday Night Thang...until they have a falling out. Guess she was the bad wife.

I'm confused. Her credit is head guard of the prison and yet Pam's role is almost the warden. So the formula of course is wrongly accused girls laboring in the fields, cat fights galore, load of showering and yup TORTURE! Pam has her own dungeon a.k.a. The Playpen. Less dom and more Spanish Inquisition though. These girls aren't walking away with a light paddling. I did start laughing realizing Pam owns her white girls, whipping them and making them slave in the hot sun. I'm weird that way.


The porn parody of The Great Escape is hard to follow.














Typical Grindhouse double feature with Emanuelle Escapes Hell you would almost wager. Granted, Emanuelle Escapes Hell came out in 1982 but my point remains.

With rough terrain, dense jungle and God only knows what lurks in the waters, Theresa, Jeff, Stokes and Sandy (Judy Brown of The Big Doll House, Threesome, A Woman for all Men, Toxic Zombies and House Calls) scheme to make their escape. Theresa guiding them tells the girls they can get help on the outside and hightail it outta there.




With violence and jiggly titties galore the men folk should be sated. Ladies, I have no idea what possible interest this film is for you...at all. I feel like I need a shower just from watching this sleazy, dismal hodge podge of sex and violence. It's grim and somber, our little flick and I really have no redeeming value for it. Um...the camera work was impressive.


Why are they in The Crimson Executioner's basement?