Beaster Day

Howdy readers! I'm back from the Easter weekend. I'd like to say I have a hearty and zany family film with enough sugary goodness to make a diabetic slightly green around the gills. Well that just wouldn't been my blog.That being said, I didn't want to a slasher film in a bunny costume or a series of zombies. This Catholic didn't feel that was cool. So howzabout a creature feature involving a giant, mutant killer rabbit? No, not Night of the Lepus. This is Beaster Day a.k.a. Beaster Bunny: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell.

Psst, lady.  Got any lettuce?

 With softcore pornographer/indie film director John Bacchus (Vampire Vixens, Zombiez, Kinky Kong, Circle of Fury, Bloodz vs.Wolvez and Bravengers: Age of Buldgetron), I am no doubt, in for a treat. No doubt at all. The generous consensus of IMDB fan reviews is pretty much throwing it under the bus. I shall remain objective. For this could be gold...in spite of all the warnings that it is congealed monkey vomit.

Exterior day shots of Easter eggs and a transition into night ceremony into a wedding. Aww. Most likely the best man Tom can't wait to tell the tale of his buddy, three midget hookers and a snorkle mask buuuuut... Keep in mind this is his father's new marriage. Oh yeah. Drunken, bitter son steps out for a Kent (psst that's a cigarette long ago, Millenials) and hitchhiking when suddenly, POV death!!!

We cut to kooky music and dressing montage of our local dog catcher Doug (Peter Sullivan of Beaster Bunny) who and let's be fair, it a complete and utter tit. He prepares for his mundane existence with such zeal; it would appear he is blissfully unaware he is the town punchline. Overthinking, over-prepared and underpaid, our youthful lad is attempting to be the best at what he does. Catching dogs. The bar is set a bit low for Doug.

Craigslist hook-up goes awry!

Young would-be actress Brenda (Marisol Custodio of Deathly Love, Beaster Bunny, Finding America, Comic Energy and Catching Up) hasn't had the best of luck breaking into gigs, Dad (Bill Joachim of The Waiting game, Beaster Bunny, Samuel's Game and Just Like We Used to Do) is tired of financing her educations and Mom (Valerie Bittner of Just for the Time Being, Hack, The Answer Man, Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell and Billboard) doesn't want to get in the middle of it. Jeeze we have a derpy little brother and we got the sit com: My Disappointing Kids. Coming soon this Fall on NBC!

Thus far, lemonade victim and yes she is credited as such (Darian Crane of of Lust for Dracula, An Erotice Werewolf in London, Kinky Kong, Sex Hex and Fist of the Vampire) has been the only actor I have recognized and well she's rabbit pellets. Spoilers?? Meh.

Crotchety boss Jake (Tom Cikoski of Carlito's Angels, Suburban Secrets, La casa loca, Sex Hex and Superbadazz) is given the dog catchers the low down of a rabid Labrador and to shoot on sight orders. He has a look of murder at Doug every time the kid speaks. The only reason the kid's alive, Jake's too tired to murder, clean up and dispose of his body.

Yet another girl working hard in her garden discovers a plethora of carrots munched and scattered about. Something something, dirty girl joke blah blah. Yeah I am not taxing my brain today. Meanwhile the "rabbit" sounds like a perv on the phone until it T-Rex shrills its attack.

CARROTTTSSSS!!!!!

Convenient swipe and the girls are free. Seriously, Briar Rabbit should have ended up lacerating half her chest with those 12 inch claws. I'm sure you can figure out were this is going.

Quick! We need a Matt Hooper archetype to explain the hunting pattern and evolution of this creature.No? Oh c'mon, movie!

Doubting Mayor Farnsworth (John Paul Fedele of Play-Mate of the Apes, New York Wild Cats, Zombiez, Lust in Space: The Erotic Witch Project IV and Kinky Kong) is taking his cues from Mayor Vaughn via Jaws and is a big time Bunny DaiKaiju denier. Not even a Quint? C'mon, who the hell doesn't want to do a Robert Shaw impression?! I envisioned an RV covered in rabbit pelts, and skulls named the Lepus. Fair well and adieu, to ye Spanish ladies...

Well movie, I just don't know. I just don't know. The stop motion creature is as graceful as Joe Cocker after an ether binge. The best part is him catching up to said victims with Jason Vorhees teleportation capacity. Still no theory on the creature at all. Mine? Drunk necromancer dug up bones of a Rugaru (Cree Native American tribe name for shapeshifter), Chupacabra (Four fanged goat bloodsucker of Mexico) and covered it in pelts of dead rabbits making a janky moving bone and flesh golem to meek out chaos and then had another slug of rot gut bourbon.

Doug and Brenda join forces as they are the only ones to save the rest of the dwindling populous.

Can they stop the creature in time? Will they clean up on the amount of coats and shawls it will make?

The overall vibe was parts Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Friday the 13^th volume of nudity and goofy creature attacks. We have campy story, a film that cannot be taken seriously and the need for ridiculous violence at the ready. Is it brilliant? No. Is it silly and aforementioned odd? You bet. Very tongue-in-cheek. Hell we even got a "Someone wake up Hicks," line added.

These folk are fans of action/horror/dark comedy. Our director has worked with this softcore stars before so gobs of nudity are added simply because. This is clearly a creature feature spoof. A lark. This was never meant to be taken seriously and it accomplishes that on all levels. Several critics are losing their damn minds over how bad the film is and I'm thinking, "Did we watch the same flick?" Okay so you don't want to put the kiddies down in front of the TV for this one. It is just damn silly so have a laugh. Still they missed out on so many JAWS jokes. 

Watch out for that treeeeee!!!

Felissa Rose Week: Silent Night, Zombie Night

Welcome again back to the week. Yeah it is odd to being viewing this in February when clearly this is a Christmas tale but hey it happens. A story of life in L.A. A torrid tale of two cops partnered with each for years and one of them is diddling the others wife. Oh yeah and there are zombies. This is Silent Night Zombie Night.

Hehe I beefed in the car twice.

From the title I just assumed Ricky or Billy of Silent Night, Deadly Night rose from the dead to "Punish!" but turns out I am wrong. Seriously though this flick is less three minutes in and we already have had three zombie attacks, two on-screen and one off so Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, man!?! Officers Frank Talbot (Jack Forcinito of Blackbelt, Night Trap, Bitter Vengeance, As Good as Dead, Breath of Hate and Jurassic City) and Nash Jackson (Andy Hopper of Black Tie Nights, Girl on a Bed, Cloud Seven, Saint Francis, Shining On, CSI: NY and Political Disasters) both with enough tropes in their back pocket find themselves dealing with a legion of undead spreading rather quickly leaving them trapped with the woman they love, Frank's wife Sarah (Nadine Stenovitch of Heaven,Another World, Nash Bridges, Roadkiller, The Opponent, Beacon Hill, Beowulf and Open House). Yes it's the old standing of cheating wife with best friend, being professional on the job while cornered to hash out their zany differences...with zombies.

Eh, probably healthier than Church's fried chicken.

Nash got injured in the attack, not sure if the gunshot or a zombie bite occurred but Frank pissed off at the situation goes out and blasts a zombie with a twelve gauge...basically ringing the dinner bell. Dude, not watching The Walking Dead or Z-Nation? At any rate, Frank further ensures the salivation of zombie taste buds as they work around the apartment trying to get inside to the tender vittles. "But Jake, I thought you said this was Felissa Rose Week?!" Take it easy, Mr/Mrs shouty, we're getting there.

With a bit of exposition on the failing marriage, misinterpretation of a friend's intentions and so on, Frank hits on the idea of odor repellent via hunting formula. IDJIT! They're not deer! Frank seems too eager to bash civilians with a baseball bat which clearly means it may be time for a sensitivity awareness workshop. Homeowner Jeffery Hannigan (Lew Temple of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, Waitress, Halloween, Rango, Lawless, The Walking Dead, The Lone Ranger and House of Forbidden Secrets) is holed up in his attic with a pistol, water, food and a slighly injured son. No clue where the wife is at all. Frank accidentally caps Nash and just left him at Jeffery's. Dude, crappy neighbor.

Yeah it beats Zack Synder's nonsense.

Frank and Sarah woke up to be visited by I thought Shocking Dark's Megaforce but it would appear to be NRA enthusiasts Paul Irwin (Vernon Wells of The Road Warrior, Weird Science, Commando, Innerspace, Darksiders, Drop Dead Gorgeous, 100,000 Zombie Heads, Throwback and Jurassic City) and the top billed lady Elsa Lansing (Felissa Rose of Sleepaway Camp, The Night We Never Met, Nikos the Impaler, Horror, Zombiegeddon, Dead Serious, Satan's Playground, Dead and Gone, Psycho Sleepover, Return to Sleepaway Camp and Dahmer vs. Gacy). Not that I am not glad to see some veteran bad asses but an hour into the film and FINALLY we see this dynamic duo is a bit of a wait. With the plan of dealing with more zombies and scooping up Jeffery that plan goes all to hell leaving Elsa running back to Nash's pad. Jeffery got nipped in the face gives Nash his pistol after a long winded speech of missing family.

Will Frank and Nash hash things out? Can Elsa and Sarah pull a zombie slayer duo off?

Big problem with Vernon Wells and Felissa Rose being glorified cameos but I guess the love triangle was supposed to be the pivotal standing on the zombie story. The CGI gun shots, blood splatters and gallons of Karo syrup is effective in cost saving but looks a bit cheesy on film stock digital or otherwise. Maybe if you knock it down to 16mm and then convert to 35mm digital and then add the effects it would work easier. 

Nadine Stenovitch's performance of a woman torn between two guys is believable but Andy Hopper's passive aggressive character was a bit annoying. No fault to the actor, I just hate that particular trope. Ambivalence is what the final response to the film. Not a bad movie but it won't be a memorable one either. Sorry gang but that is my read through. Also I really wanted to see Felissa got sickhouse with a machete or hand axe, blow stray hairs out of her eye and say something to the effect, "You coming along?" Would have sold it for me.

When Airsoft games go too far.

Bloodsucker Sequels: Dracula III: Legacy

Howdy all and greetings to Day 5 of Bloodsuckers Sequels. Yes it is that time again as we wrap up the week. We have had our chills and spills, our laughs and languishing story arcs. Today we finish up the Patrick Lussier trilogy that is the collective Dracula 2000. Spoilers a plenty ahead! If you do not wish to partake then read a latter review I guess. For those of you that are never gonna watch this movie anyway, welcome. Father Uffizi and Luke have made their way into Translyvania, in the heart of Dracula's domain. To rid the world of this evil, possibly save Liz and make the planet safer. This is Dracula III: Legacy.

Told you to take that left at Albuquerque!

Father Uffizi (Jason Scott Lee of Back to the Future II, Ghoulies Go to College, Map of the Human Heart, Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story, The Jungle Book, Tale of the Mummy, Soldier, Lilo & Stitch, Timecop: The Berlin Decision and The Prophecy: Forsaken and Seventh Son) and Luke (Jason London of Dazed and Confused, Mixed Signals, Broken Vessels, The Rage: Carrie 2, Jason and the Argonauts and Grind) have been on the trail of Dracula and his bloody swath he enjoys making him rather easy to track.

Uffizi of course is on a mission to rid the world of Dracula and contain his remains in the Vatican. Due to his infection he fights off every morning, the transformation of vampirism feels like it is winning and only his will keeps it at bay. Luke's standing is still smitten with Liz (Diane Neal of Dracula II: Ascension, Second Born, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, NCIS, Power, Suits and NCIS: New Orleans) and hopes to be reunited with her and be with her.

Along with Dracula's vampiric drones left to torment or slaughter our terrific twosome, the villages residing under the mountaintop castle are not better off. Between the warring factions of a human civil war the rebels attempting to gain ground because the government has long since thrown their lot in with Dracula, this is some dangerous countryside.

Um, I think Liz is just hungry now.

With human lackeys restocking Dracula's larder, a journalist name of Juila Hughes (Alexandra Wescourt of Brookside, LAX, Dracula III: Legacy and Watch Over Me) who befriends the father and Luke as they are try to make their way to the castle. With acres and acres of forest, human and vampires alike roaming and of course whatever such creatures in the area, our heroes have a long way to travel. Now we are going a bit more old school so none of the hip and young kids and their short-term vampirism but we have the old school dungeon harem of wenches under the fang, barely clothed, covered in dry blood and basically closer to Stoker.

Why Dracula is now Rutger Hauer??!! not 1980's I am built like a swimmer Rutger Hauer but 61 year old (now 72) had a close relationship with booze and finally off the wagon Hauer. So yeah I was not prepared for this new Dracula regeneration er um I mean resurrection. When you watch his scenes with his chambers are adorn with a buttload of TVs all over the place. I guess immortality takes its toll and he regresses to a more evil and worn look... or something that convoluted of that nature. Most of his lines felt goofy and it was said Hauer improvised a lot so that makes a bit more sense.

Luke of course is still fighting on instinct and no real training to speak of. Sheesh Uffizi, help the kid out. Will they defeat Dracula and his evils? Can Transylvania ever be rid of the monsters man and inhuman alike? Is this gag too drawn out?

Now don't get me wrong. This film as a whole is pretty good for the stigma of "B-Movie" and the script and directing are fair. Just some of Hauer's lines are just silly and out of place for this gothic horror they are trying to give us. I mean, "There are no dead here, just the f**ked-up dead!" seemed a bit ridiculous. Not a bad film and rather entertaining but given the copious amount of scattered undead ass and graphic violence you may want the kiddies to go watch something else.

I'm Luke Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you.

Bloodsucker Sequels: Dracula II: The Ascension

Hiya gang and welcome back for Day 4 of Bloodsucker Sequels. Hey remember when director/writer Patrick Lussier retold the legend of Dracula in the year 2000? Thus getting the title Dracula 2000? What ever became of Simon Shepard and Mary Van Helsing? Did they ever drag down the smoking remains of Dracula and entomb in the crypt under Carfax Abbey? What if none of those questions will be answered at all? Then you would have a sequel ignoring its own storyline. This is Dracula II: Ascension.

Hey, that's not Gerald Butler!

So the fairly well spoken narrative of Mary being her father's daughter and the keeper of Dracula's remains...yeah we can toss that notion right out the window. RETCON! Hours after Dracula transmogrifies to Mr. Crispy due to intense ultraviolet rays he is wheeled into the morgue.  Prior to this reveal is our beginning story in Transylvania with Father Uffizi (Jason Scott Lee of Back to the Future II, Ghoulies Go to College, Map of the Human Heart, Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story, The Jungle Book, Tale of the Mummy, Soldier, Lilo & Stitch, Timecop: The Berlin Decision and The Prophecy: Forsaken and Seventh Son) with twin vamp girls (Jennifer Kroll of Weird Science, Cybill and Dracula II: Ascension) when he was injured by one of the vamps corrupting him. He walks in the sun and flogs himself to purge the evil.

Now according to a friend of mine who watched this with the commentary on; it was stated that the master of vampires' body was swapped for another and Mary ended up claiming another charred corpse and stowed him away. Apparently that scene just wasn't worth filming or maybe it hit the cutting floor. There goes her pre-natural senses. Interns Luke (Jason London of Dazed and Confused, Mixed Signals, Broken Vessels, The Rage: Carrie 2, Jason and the Argonauts and Grind)and Liz (Diane Neal of Dracula II: Ascension, Second Born, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, NCIS, Power, Suits and NCIS: New Orleans) work to move the body for an experimentation when they see the body healing on its own from third degree burns of bone and ash.

Jeremy? Jason here.  Look I'm not feeling this role. Cover for me?

Professor Lowell (Craig Sheffer of Nightbreed, A River Runs Through It, Hellraiser: Inferno, One Tree Hill and The Mark) suffering from palsy feels this is the real first step to repairing his on diseased cells. Along for the ride of science and the macabre is fellow intern/students Kenny (Khary Payton of Street Sharks, Certain Guys, Latter Days, Marvel: Ultimate Alliance, Teen Titans, Friday: The Animated Series, Ben 10, The Sims 3, Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 and Young Justice) and bubbly Tanya (Brande Roderick of Club Wild Side 2, Stripper Wives, Baywatch, Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding, Starsky & Hutch, Lucky 13 and The Daily Habit). So off to flirt with damnation and death then!

A middle man Eric meets to explain that large sacks of money are on their way if the kids play ball. Lowell goes on to explain the mythos of Dracula as he can apparently change his appearance after every resurrection (Hang on a tic, that's the Doctor's racket you hornin' in on, mate!) and their paltry explaination why Gerald Butler is not reprising his former role but now a platinum blonde man (Stephen Billington of Out of the Blue, Highlander: The Raven, Cornation Street, Resident Evil, Young Arthur, The Prophecy: Uprising, A Life in Suitcases and Hollyoaks) who flirts with Liz. With Luke being the only real one of sound mind, he goes shopping for holy water, knotted rope and seeds following the vampire mythos of their need to untie knots, count seeds and well holy water probably burns like the Dickens. Meanwhile, Father Uffizi is on the trail for Dracula as well and Heaven help whomever stops him.

Will tampering with Dracula lead to bodies hitting the floor? Should Luke pour holy water all over himself? Can Liz stop flittering between her collective men?

Patrick Lussier really wanted Dracula to be the pinnacle apex of evil so Billington claims to be to be Gilles de Rais (Knight and Marshal who was a companion at arms with Joan of Arc dabbled in satanism and child murder), Vlad Tepes (House of Draculesti, Prince of Wallachia and Vlad the Impaler), Proximus (Dux or General of Roman Legion) and of course Judas the Betrayer. It was if though Dracula was not evil enough and had to show the audience oh yes, this is a very bad man in case SOMEHOW you forgot that. While the first film dealt with shades of gray (Not 50!), Lussier feels the need to hammer it in your skull that Dracula is the personification of all that is evil. Subtle touch.

The effects of CGI blood and practical are a decent mesh but I would have preferred more practical vs CGI. It captures better on film. Jason Scott Lee's character is a righteous wrathful man that seems like the instrument of righteous cruelty rather than a man of God so it was interesting watching him balance the two sides of himself. Location wise this is a gorgeous region of hills, mountains and township to capture on film and connected in the heart of the mythos and Stoker's own writings. Overall this is not a bad movie but it does contradict a lot of the first film. 

OoOoOo he has the sweeping cloak effect going.

Zombies for Halloween: Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

Back again for Day 3 of Zombies for Halloween and I noticed something that made me snicker. There seems to be a craze for exotic dancers (Strippers) must do battle with the living dead. I mean clear heels are not an effective melee weapon unless the girl can skull crack that well. This has become a subgenre via Horror and apparently it is deemed needed to have at least five movies that I am aware of. So why don't we gander at one of those then? Well this time around this particular film is taped on a HD camcorder via Canon. This is Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

So naughty nurse is not a real profession?

With a horror duo director Jason Murphy and writer Anthony Steven Giordano(Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, The Unbroken, Robo-Dog and Monsters at Large) film vehicle is also known as Strippers vs Zombies starts with the best intentions as the story goes. Searching for the end all cure for cancer, scientist Dr. Stewart (Michael Clinkenbeard of Dark Frontier Vanishing Point Fan Based, Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! And Switch) creates a chemical to promote cellular growth but a drug addict breaks in and accident mixes up the cure and drugs with and shoots up with a couple of prositutes. Enter plot device! Junkie and ladies of ill-repute are zombified and proceed to bite folks around them. Meanwhile at the campy named strip club, The Grindhouse have had their dancers working away.

Yo baby, wanna a hot date?

Stripper pro and fan favorite Dallas (Lyanna Tumaneng of The Fiesta Grand, Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, and Letters to God) takes newcomer Harley (Hollie Winnard of Death Plots, Hoodoo for Voodoo, The Fiesta Grand, 1000 Ways to Die and The Republic of Two) under her wing and shows her the ropes, pulleys and how best to straddle the brass pole. To offer assistance to our new rookie regulars Pandora (Juliet Reeves London of Automaton Transfusion, All Wrapped Up, Second Coming and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) and Dakota (Jessica Barton of Survival of the Nude Reality Girls, The Fiesta Grand and JM After Dark: Volume 1, Issue 1) and just really work with one another. The local pimp Johnny Vegas (Anthony Headen of Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, Perfect Combination, The Bay and Internal Affairs) has lose a few of his stable, asking the girls if they see them, to send them his way. Really wanted to savage the stripper DJ with a ball bat. What a pointless job description in any universe.

Bystanders make their way to a diner for breakfast when zombie hookers (Imagine using that term in real life) proceed to attack them as they wander their way back to Vegas...hopefully to eat him.

Somewhere down the line Dallas and her guy Chris get the idea to head to the chemical research facility and receive a gob of exposition and handed an antidote.

Can the zombie outbreak be resolved? Will the antidote be the final measure?

 

Well the girls are lovely in spite of following into the jiggly girl category, the camcorder operator needed to learn how to block the actors, there was no real practical effects and they relied entirely too much on CGI gore effects. There is practically no soundtrack to speak of for any atmosphere or even ratcheting up tension. Hell the lighting was pretty painful as well. How do I put this? The Big Tits Dragon was more realistic and more thought provoking. If you want to see girls, zombies and blood, have at it.

Yeah I think the A/C is cranked up.

Savage Titles: Savage Planet

Day 4 of Savage Titles bring us off to Science Fiction and thank God for that. Half expecting raper aliens and a women in prison in space. Fortunately, it is none of the above as we approach a distant planet for its riches of mineral,plant and oxygen atmosphere. The planet is being surveyed by humans in the hopes of finding a safe, new world to probably colonize, but they what the get is a mediocre plot device instead. This is Savage Planet.

Sure hope I don't get an off-screen death!

With Earth choking on its own pollution, and expedition was take under way in the search for (No, not Spock) oxygen. Presumably they have a giant vacuum attachment with them. Hey here is a nutty idea. MORE TREES!!!! Our team led by jump cuts and film sped up armed with hi-tech machetes as one of the crew gets his hand lopped off by a machete, falls down a hole, yellow goop completely regenerates that hand and then he is attacked by a poorly Blue screen matted film stock space bear. So to recap, no text scroll of titles, no real introduction to our team and space bears... all in 2 minutes. Yeah I can hardly what to see what happens next. 

Boom Mic guy has been working out, fellas.

Sean Patrick Flannery leads the new expedition as Randall Cain, a charismatic leader that thinks things belong in a museum. Lifted footage from Sanctuary showing you a home of the future and desperate times. Tired cliché of news offering exposition blurted on Flannery's tinfoil covered home as he preps his morning coffee and dear God it is depressing how in shape this man is. Sorry, bitter writer moment. His vacation canceled, he is off to go on to a foreign planet dubbed “Planet Oxygen”. Yeah it lacks punch. Their mission is to acquire an vast oxygen producing plant that will make the rain forest seem redundant by comparison. And they will be teleported on the planet with a long range teleporter. The survey bot that sent a recording was shown to the team via a MS DJ machine...OF THE FUTURE!!! Cain and his team assemble gear and supplies, transform and roll out!!! Okay, fine they just grabbed their gear and went to the teleportation ring.

20,000 light years away seems like quite a distance as they go through what looks like a Stargate prototype and the team scientist arrived safely as he preps the way for the others to come through and he must be deaf as a post as stock sound effect of bear growls and grunts are happening right behind him. The space bears draw near. Our team are going through one at a time to ratchet up tension or they think it is a nifty effect to keep showing and pad the film. Teleporter mishap of folding a guy bones the wrong way but no real worry the character was hastily put together and looked like a prison yard scumbag.

Will the space bears slay them all? Will the team find the needed planet? Can they get back home?

With a thrown together plot from a cheesy dimestore novel we have the characters fighting off space bears. The mildly cool predator POV shots almost made me expect something even more menacing than that but no. Funny thing is, I was just talking to my mom about this flick and she pointed out it was going to hurt. Death by stock footage is nothing new to me in this racket but dammit all, this was a stinker. Earth in turmoil because of humanity, last minute rescue for the planet and next to no budget for practical effects so we get CGI blood splatter, stock footage of brown bears to grizzlies. Yeah they changed species and the faces of distraught actually looked like they were constipated. To take care when viewing this film, because the Space Bears are very cross on the negative stereotypes that were portrayed here. They are all around us.

Fear the awesome power that is...SPACE BEAR!!!!

Vampire Week: Vampires: Los Muertos

Hola to all and welcome to Day 2 of the vampire week.  I thought I would see if we have any films out there of interest so I dipped into a few online via Netflix.   What would you say if I had a film involving vampires rampaging across Mexico, a priest and vampire hunter at odds with one another and a town in desperate need for hope?   Well I would point out that James Woods is not in this, so no wood jokes for you.  No, no don’t cry.  I promise there will be some gore gags, a few one liners and a decent cast.  So take a deep breath, sharpen your stakes and hope for the best.  This is Vampires: Los Muertos.

Oil of Olay or Undead refinishing?...she'll never tell.

Ok we got a spoiler.

Recapping after the last Vampires movie via director John Carpenter (The Thing, Escape from New York, Big Trouble in Little China and Prince of Darkness) gave over the reins to writer/director Tommy Lee Wallace (Halloween III: Season of the Witch, Fright Night 2, It, The Spree and Final Justice) and I have to admit I was not expecting gold with this and more of the plutonium variety.    Solo vampire hunter Derek Bliss (Jon Bon Jovi of Moonlight and Valentino, Homegrown, Row Your Boat, Ally McBeal and Cry_Wolf) is tending to a stray vamp that fed on a college kid of a wealthy financier when he gets a call from his handler telling him of a big job in the same area.  He is one of the best hunters but he needs to put together a crew according to the client’s wishes and attack in force. 

Lousy table manners. No dessert for you.

Try as he might to acquire help the vampires seem to be one step ahead of him and removes any back up Bliss could have.  He drives through a town that apparently is being fed on and encounters a young boy Sancho (Diego Luna of Fidel, Dark Cities, Carambola, Open Range, Nicotina and Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights) who is willing to back Bliss up if he gets paid for the work.  After wiping out these young feeders Bliss moves on to a diner and finds one of the hunters on his list.  He idly chats with a girl Zoey (Natasha Gregson Wagner of Two Girls and a Guy, Glam, Modern Vampires, Urban Legend and High Fidelity) who seems off yet not a creature of the night given she is out in the daylight.  The diner is all wiped out but Zoey and himself who were in the bathroom and he moves on to yet another town. 

Getting one additional hunter Ray Collins (Darius McCrary of Family Matters, 15 Minutes, Freedom, Hostage and Kingpin)the crew make their way to the local Abby, the monks and priests are strewn about but one survived hidden in an alcove.  Father Rodrigo (Cristian de la Fuente of Driven, Family Law, Basic, CSI: Miami and In Plain Sight) takes Bliss and his slowly growing band as a sign from God as they will be able to defend against the vampires.

They don't like being called pretty boys.

I have just a quick few tidbits about this movie.  KNB EFX brings us the monster gore effects and prosthetics.  The cast was surprisingly a unique but decent combo.  I did have a hard time buying into Bon Jovi as a loner and disgruntled but gotta say the pretty boy did bring his “a” game badass to the flick.   The better chunk of Mexico City and its residing town were the main filming locations and overall an impressive movie.  Nothing original but I feel a bit better than John Carpenter’s Vampires.

Vampire Week: Bloodrayne: The Third Reich

What could have blades, fangs, Nazi oppression and utter lack of proper camera technique?  Am I referring to some sort of Fellini film?  No it must be the German disaster Uwe Boll. Gather up the villagers and prepare to kill the monsters.  This is BloodRayne: The Third Reich.

Guttin' goose steppers!

Spoilers are Eternal!!

Yes just went you thought it was safe to go to video game movie adaptations, director Uwe Boll (BloodRayne, BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, House of the Dead, In the Name of the King, Far Cry and Alone in the Dark) rears his head like the mythological Hydra and gives us more narrative, fast paced zooming in shots and more shaky cam than The Evil Dead Trilogy.  I have stressed this in all his films and I shall say it again.  If you have photophobia or are prone to seizures PLEASE AVOID THIS MOVIE!   That being said, the rest of us will suffer through.

So you think I need bridgework?

We recap this film with of course flashbacks to previous footage from the first two and followed with the usual unnecessary voice over.  With all the reel footage of World War II, I almost expected to hear Ron Perlman’s Fallout narrative instead.  Rayne (Natassia Malthe of Lake Placid, D.O.A.: Dead or Alive, Elektra, Bloodsuckers, and BloodRayne 2: Deliverance) returns to battle the blight known as the Nazi Party.  Boll believes in adhering to Hitchcock’s notion of reaprising familiar actors into all of his work so if you are confused why you see Brendan Fletcher and Michael Pare`of BloodRayne 2: Deliverance well these are different characters and their previous characters are in fact not immortal. 

After a lengthy battle on at an undisclosed train station and Nazis are being shot by resistance fighters or gutted by Rayne, she encounters the Commandant Brand (Michael Pare` of Komodo Vs Cobra, Eddie and the Cruisers II: Eddie Lives, Moon 44, Sunset Heat, BloodRayne and BloodRayne 2: Deliverance) and as she preps to spear him with a chunk of rebar she is shot by a soldier splattering Brand’s face and mouth with her blood.   Rayne impales Brand to the floor board and drains him.

Banter with the Resistance not withstanding she senses one of her own creation and rather that find it and eradicate it she goes to a bordello for a massage.  One of the soldiers gets rough with a girl and Rayne beats him well.  Again sensing her creation she nobly seeks…the company of a girl.  Yup, no needs for carrying out that pesky exterminate all vampires mission; bring on with the prostitutes.  Yes guys reading this you get some more BloodRayne soft core skin flick action in true tradition of the original. Brand with the aid of Josef Mangler hatches a scheme to use Rayne’s blood to strengthen the Fruhrer.  

Don't laugh...it bought me a condo.

Will Rayne get off her butt and stop Brand?  Will there be more unnecessary modern swearing mixed in the dialogue?  What of little Timmy trapped down the well?    Like BloodRayne 2, her paranormal abilities of the game and the first film are stunted and apparently too expensive for FX.  Nazis, vampires and eroticism really are a crappy blend.

SyFy Monster Movie Week: Terminal Invasion

Back again boys and girls and say you know what we haven’t had in a while?  A cheesy alien based SyFy film.  Yeah I think we need to delve into that because it has been too long.  So hop in that easy chair, sample some movie candy and try to wince less.  This is Terminal Invasion.

Spoilers can be out of towners…waaaay out of towners.

It was a dark and stormy night; and director/producer Sean Cunningham (Friday the 13^th, A Stranger is Watching, Deep Star Six Spring Break and The New Kids) brings us a story of two yokel state troopers are delivering a baddie to the gas chamber for he was a bad boy.  Low and behold the snow storm gets to blizzard conditions and our hapless driver and passenger ride off the road and into a tree.  Without radio signals going through our intrepid trio must hoof it to a nearby airport to reassess the situation and tend to their soon-to-be executed companion. 

Officers Red (Scott Wickware of The Santa Clause, The Tuxedo, Land of the Dead and Snow Cake) and Tommy (Jake Simons of Driven, Adam & Eve, Godsend and Sacrifice) are weary and wary of convict Jack (Bruce Campbell of Evil Dead, Bubba Hotep, Spiderman, My Name is Bruce and Burn Notice) who is crafty enough to attempt an escape under their watch.  Add a crowded rural charter airport with ice on the runways and potential hostages and well you can see the risks ensue.  Airport owner/pilot Cathy Garrett (Chase Masterson of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Manticore, Creature Unknown, General Hospital and Robotech: The Shadow Chronicles) raises concern on the harden criminal but Officer Red assures the little lady that everything is in hand.   As a preacher exits from the bathroom stall the fireworks begin as Jack deduces the preacher is not what he claims to be and he bats the cops around like a tennis ball.   Free from his cuffs Jack pummels the preacher of superhuman strength with a fire extinguisher.   As Jack collects his thoughts the preacher melts and dissolves.  Yes, self-disposing monster and leaves with the fresh scent of pine.    With passengers and workers of the airport all in panic, Jack must still work away to get out of the area.  But who is who?   The premise feels like The Thing if it was filmed in a dinky charter flight airport.  

Now given the main location in question this is mostly steady cam and hand held, everyone is professionally lit, miked and good to go.   So where the problem could lie in wait?   The script was brought to us by writer Lewis Abernathy (Deep Star Six).  Yes that is two scripts inside of 13 years of each other.  Not really bringing a lot to the table but this Bruce Campbell fan is hanging in there for hopes of enough snark to get me through the flick.   With more or less one dimensional characters and a plot about aliens spying on the humans to collect data it feels a bit rushed.   Feels like a month shoot and away they went.   Lot of lag time between monster attacks, we get to see duct climbing that goes on more than 2 minutes so that is a lot of actor ass in each others’ way.   We see mostly CGI blood, a bit of tried and true karo syrup mix and lot of the pee wee heads or prop head of said creature through ducts and ladders.  You get the impression of the Wompa in Empire Strikes Back.  Decent makeup FX and the CGI is fair but I almost belted out laughing when I found out the stunt double for Campbell is named Duncan McLeod.  FYI he looks nothing like Adrian Paul. 

SyFy Monster Movie Week: Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Howdy folks I am back with yet another mindless violence ensuing creation of SyFy.  From catfights instigating from the malls of the 80's to saving the Everglades Debbie Gibson and Tiffany star in what can be described as less than terrifying creation that will be coated in more cheese than a tuna melt.  So sit back, take yer shoes off and sit a spell.  This is Mega Python vs Gatoroid.

Spoilers on roids!!!!




Former mallrats, pop singers to modern day actresses Debbie Gibson and Tiffany join up with SyFy Channel to create this festering turd of a movie of epic cheesiness.  Animal activist Dr. Nikki Riley(Gibson) broke into what I swear is the same fricking compound from Komodo vs Cobra and Dinocroc vs Supergator to release these series of CGI pythons and release them into the wild of the glades.  Unbeknownst to her, the pythons are killing off the local gator population and Dr. Terry O' Hara (Tiffany) retaliates with injecting hyper-steroids into chickens for the gators and inducing a massive increase in population.   These two ladies have more issues than Marvel and DC Comics could muster in 75 years.  While Riley stages protests and demonstrations, O'Hara is trying to keep hunters at bay, muster support for the cause of saving reptiles and manage to be a Spring bride ready for the aisle her hands are full.

 So whilst the two aging popstars embark in a continuous cat fight of ridiculous porportions the reptiles are massing and prepping to fight one another and planning to munch down on anyone associated in this conservation ball hosted by Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees to better spend money of a standing we as humans should have been doing anyway.   Yes, that's right; Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees.   Nothing but the finest for my readers.

Not unlike the Tremors quadilogy, this insanity proves to borderline on the absurd at the mass of height of 50 feet and have to be the width of a Winnebago the Pythons are tearing ass all over "Florida" i.e. California trashing helicopters, car dealer lots and gas stations.  Thankfully most of the populous is nowhere near this region.   Well the people that matter anyway.  Redneck of the region demand to go on a snake hunt and start blasting away in every direction that a snake isn't and guzzles more beer than a Fourth of July party.  As our heroes encounter Dr. Diego Ortiz (A. Martinez of BJ and the Bear, Remington Steele, L.A. Law and Profiler) tries desperately to warn O' Hara the inherent dangers to the ecology as both gators and pythons wreak merry merry havoc on the party goers as they flee to safety.  The lot must release a series of pheromones to attract said creatures to the "Glades"...that is clearly shot outside of L.A.     Yeah I am not kidding a lot of the shots are on the I-9.  For the California fans they will immediately realize they are not shooting in the glades.  My own father had the best chuckle watching the folks driving for their life.  The CGI and green screen is laughable, the handheld looks like they were handed off to Uwe Boll's epileptic camera crew and frankly do not go looking for stellar acting in this lot because you will be gravely disappointed.  

At best this follows the standing on cheesy movie night and go no further.  A pedestal it shall not climb. 

Manticore...Hey isn't that Chakotay?

Back again kiddies and boy do I have moving pictures magic for you.    It’s got excitement, drama and really wild things.  Actually it has Chakotay leading an Army unit against a CGI monster but hey that could be wild….so grab a movie machine gun, load it with infinite ammo and brush up on your Greek mythology.  This is Manticore.

THERE WILL BE SPOILERS PEOPLE

UFO Pictures strikes again with another monster film at the ready thanks to Writer (John Werner of Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes, Witchville and Rudy Blue) confabbed with Director (Tripp Reed of Walking Tall: The Payback and Walking Tall: Lone Justice) and if you cannot trust the writing for the third installment of Pumpkinhead, well what in life can you trust?

Two thieves decide to break into an antiquities chamber during the remnants of the Iraq War in order to plunder some treasure and make out like bandits… you know the wealthy part.  Pretty sure these two weren’t going to drop on the sandy floor and make out but hey I am not judging if they did. The only thing they manage to get their mitts on is a medallion with a lion’s head carved in it.  Looked like a left over from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.   Robert Beltran (of Star Trek: Voyager) portrays Sgt. Baxter, a hard nose Army vet tasked with capturing looters from the National Museum, insurgents move in and Baxter has to let the looters go including the two thieves.  A substantial gunfight ensues including some tight zoom handheld shots that really improved the overall effect.  Gave you that feeling you were in the thick of it.   Not an easily accomplished task with Sy-fy’s budget.  Mind you from the architecture you get the notion we are nowhere NEAR Iraq at all.   Again for the sake of the crew and cast that is probably best.  The buildings have a European feel on the design so a quick check on IMDB pointing out they went to Bulgaria.   I did start chuckling when recognizing two the sarge’s squad.  Heather Donahue (The Blair Witch Project, Boys and Girls and Taken) as well as A.J. Buckley (Disturbing Behavior, Happy Feet and CSI: NY).    The mission is SNAFU and they head back to HQ for Baxter to be read the riot act by his CO played by (in my humble opinion) legendary character actor Jeff Fahey (Silverado, Body Parts, The Lawnmower Man, Planet Terror and Machete) reams Baxter’s butt for failing to meet the primary objective of the mission, regardless of what happened and yadda, yadda yadda..  Hey wasn’t there a creature of untold destruction in this flick?   Let’s go find that.

  

Bumbling duo from the beginning set out in the desert to find their fortune.  Armed with a super secret, chocolate fudgy medallion of impending doom, our two thieves find themselves in quite the pickle as they unwillingly unleash the Manticore!!!  Meanwhile Lois Lane archetype Ashley Pierce (Chase Masterson of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Terminal Invasion and General Hospital) and trusted red shirt cameraman head in the residing villages trying to dig up proof of the whereabouts of WMDs only to find more than they bargained for.  Bum bum bum!!  Baxter’s squad is assigned to find the reporter and red shirt only to find the town has been decimated and a large flying creature with laser beams shooting from its eyes could be the culprit.  Yes fricking Darksied Omega beams style. 

Now admittedly I had a hard time buying our heroes as trained soldiers.  No rifle discipline at all, the cover fire was laughable and I felt like I was sitting through another Lorenzo Lamas film.  

 Well what can we say about this experience?  The acting was pretty good, the cinematography was impressive and hell the CGI monster had some decent chops.  It was a bit graphic for those of less constitution but c’mon it is a monster film about one of the nastiest creatures of Arabic and Greek mythology.

 A flying lion with the tail of a dragon or occasionally a scorpions tail, horns, claws and more teeth than the entire Osmond family.  From a historical stand point this creature is been in Persian culture throughout the better portion of the Caspian Sea region.   Aside from the quick lesson there I had fun watching this regardless if I found it silly in places.