Crocodile II: Death Swamp

Okay and I am back from yesterday's creature feature goofy goodness. But according to IMDB and we know how it NEVER fails us, there's a sequel to Crocodile. But how can that be? Did Princess live near Amity, sense another croc is coming for her family, fly down to the Bahamas, get romantically involved with Michael Caine and then kill the croc? Or is that another flick?

Any rate, this next movie has no ties to Crocodile WHATSOEVER. This as best reeks of Foreign distributions; when they link a film similar to a per-existing film and create a near franchise. So this would be a sequel in NAME ONLY. This is Crocodile 2: Death Swamp a.k.a. Crocodile II a.k.a. Death Roll a.k.a. Crocodile 2: Death Roll

Totally.

Yup when it's got that many alternative titles, you just know...it's a fifty-fifty chance you will be butt hurt from the movie. Our opus opens with a bank heist. Yeah! I'm guessing the bank was insured by the crocodile rather than the FDIC. The heist is handled and these four morons manage to not shoot themselves in the foot, waste about 3 guards and they're outta there! Cut to Mia (Heidi Lenhart of Creepy Crawlers, Deadly Sins, El Hazard: Wanderers, Maybe This Time, Night Stand, Eagle Riders, Fame L.A., Au Pair, Beverly Hills, 90210, Final Ascent and Au Pair II), a plucky and perky flight attendant having a split screen heartfelt chat with her wiener boyfriend. He gave her a Zippo lighter as a present. Um...kay.

As luck or as the plot depicted, the four bank robbers happen to be taking this particular flight together. WTF??!! Folks, let's be real for a moment. Police are looking for four men that just took down a large bank for some serious coin. Divvy up the cash, go to a fence and get 75 cents on the dollar and walk the hell away! Oh and let's hit the point that PISSES me off! So how with the heighten alert of air traffic issues after 9-11, these knuckle knobs somehow just brought guns on an airplane. 

Call me Snipes again you mutha,and they gonna scrape your brains.

Head honcho Max (Darryl Theirse of The Jeff Foxworthy Show, Chicago Cab, Jack & Jill, Popular, Jesse and Spin City), his right hand man, Squid (James Parks of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, You Know My Name, Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money, JAG, Crusade, Stargate SG-1, Star Trek: Enterprise, Kill Bill: Vol.1, Deadwood and Kill Bill: Vol.2) and creepy raper Sol (Jon Sklaroff of Masked and Anonymous, The Guardian, NCIS, Boston Legal, Nip/Tuck, Bones, Big Top, Shark, Journeyman and Monk).    Seriously, I think Max just flipped through Soldier of Fortune for his top notch crew or his fixer was extremely pissed off at him.

So the plane lands in the swamps that aren't swamps and this plane crash made national news in less than two hours. Wow. That is impressive coverage.   Wiener boy Zach (Chuck Walczak of Costello, Just Shoot Me!, Pensacola: Wings of Gold, Cover Me: Based on the True Life of an FBI Family, ER, 24, First Monday and JAG) wanted his girl in Acapulco and he's flipping out. Fortunately he's in a bar with an ace pilot and his wookie. No wait, that's some other flick. Former Navy SEAL pilot/tracker, Roland (Martin Kove of Bloodtide, The Karate Kid, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Cagney & Lacey, Wyatt Earp, Death Match, Savage Season and VFW) is ready for a charter...when he sobers up a bit. The dude has been tossing them back. 

Our bumble-some bank robbers feeling they haven't jacked up enough felonies, proceed to execute the injured because...Yeah I have absolutely no idea. The passengers cannot tattle, most don't have a phone and they're miles from anyone. Grab your money and book! Nope better to make them hostages cuz ya never know.

30 minutes into the flick and we finally saw crockers. I and a few friends are trying desperately to link the two movies, so the basic theory is the croc they did kill with guns was the baby croc in the first film, now mama croc is on another rampage. Yeah kinda feel we did more work than the writers there.

So we have a pretty abysmal CGI crock of shit er um I mean crocodile, some decent stunts and thankfully Martin Kove.

Will there be any passengers left? Will Roland and Weener Boy save Mia? Is Mama Croc bulletproof like in the first film?

I'm going to be honest, aside from James Parks and Martin Kove I barely recognized Heidi Lenhart and had no clue who most of the actors were. I kept calling Max as "Almost Snipes" due to the thin mustache Snipes wore in Blade. Yup, there wasn't a lot of thought process there but I wanted to match the intensity of the film. The scenes drag on, people are picked off by Mama Rampage there and frankly, I barely had the energy to mock/riff the film as it dulled my senses.

Quick FYI to the parents. Um the swearing is substantial. A 125 f bombs and about 50 mf bombs so yeah, there's that.

If you're looking for a sleep aid, Crocodile 2: Death Swamp is a good start. A hard hitting action movie, with clever one-liners, an amazing cast and deep meaningful dialogue and story telling, again go watch Jaws. My mind is going numb just writing this review, imagine what watching the film can do to your psyche. The sequel should star Roland and his newly acquired poodle, Princess as these two hire out to the highest bidder to hunt and kill crocodiles.

Worst Uber service...ever.

VFW

Hey there readers. Well I can honestly say today's film has been a long time coming. I have been looking forward to this since February. With its substantial cast, its almost Assault on Precinct 13 vibe and simplistic but decent story idea, this promises to be fun. With the conglomeration of Fangoria working in junction with Channel 83 Films, Voltage Pictures and Shudder brings about a collection of genre actors being bad ass war veterans versus a passel of drug addicted mutants bringing all the madness. This is VFW.

SHOTS!!!

Writer/producer/director Joe Begos (Almost Human, The Mind's Eye, Bliss and VFW) with co-writers Max Brallier (The Last Kids on Earth and VFW) and Matthew McArdle (VFW) our story opens with grainy appearance with hot neon and almost a 16 mm 70's exploitation feel with 80's known character actors. I'm always down for such, as it is my one of my favorite sub-genre.

The opioid of the masses is called Hype and there are more than enough addicts longing for their next fix. Seriously, this crap makes Meth look like Fruit Loops.

With a buy of 500k on the line, dealer Boz (Travis Hammer of The Last Ship, Westworld, Ray Donovan, Godles, Monsters of God and The Unsettling) has been hoarding Hype from the masses and chaos is in the streets. Guys, there's always tweak, coke and crack still. C'mon, go old school.

She should have skipped the pate'.

The bar is full and a celebration is on at VFW Post 2494.  Tending bar is our birthday boy Fred (Stephen Lang of Manhunter, Project X, Crime Story, Last Exit to Brooklyn, Tombstone, Shadow Conspiracy, Fire Down Below, Public Enemies, Avatar and Don't Breathe), former Vietnam vet hanging with his buddies: vets Reed (William Sadler of Die Hard 2: Die Harder, Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, The Shawshank Redemption, Hawaii Five-0, Z Nation, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., The Duel, Power and The Highwaymen), Clayton (Martin Kove of The Last House on the Left, Death Race 2000, Beyond Westworld, Bloodtide, The Karate Kid, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Cagney & Lacey, Firehawk, Wyatt Earp, Assault on Devil's Island, Black Scorpion Returns and Revamped).

Korean vet Abe (Fred Williamson of Hammer, The Inglorious Bastards, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Warriors of the Wasteland, Cobra nero South Beach, From Dusk Till Dawn, Vegas Vampires, Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption and Dropping Evil) McCarthy (David Patrick Kelly of The Warriors, 48 Hrs., Commando, Twin Peaks, The Crow, Last Man Standing, Gossip Girl and Blue Bloods)booze hound Zabriski (NORM! George Wendt of Cheers, House, Fletch, Wild About Harry, Becker, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Saturday Night Live, Modern Men, Clipped, Wake Up America!, Eddie's and Bliss) and young Army Ranger sharpshooter returned home Mason (Tom Williamson of All Cheerleaders Die, Dark Nights, Collision, No Way to Live, Running Wild, NCIS, BSU: Black Student Union,The Fosters and Blue Bloods) as they all enjoy the night of stories told and drinks being thrown back.

Hmm, this girl might be a bit crazy like.

Punk kid Lizard (Sierra McCormick of Land of the Lost, Jack and Janet Save the Planet, A.N.T. Farm, Jessie, The Christmas Trap, All Good Things and VFW) pulls a snatch and grab on the Hypers, a gang of junkies and dealers for more than half a million dollars in junk. Desperate for a change and a place to hide out, she sneaks into the bar, putting everyone in danger.

Lizard tells them that seven different kinds of Hell are about to rain down on the VFW and they better get their crap together because it's going to hit and hit in biblical proportions.

Most of these Hypers are brain dead and ravenous for their next fix. Think Zach Synder's Dawn of the Dead mixed with a little Umberto Lenzi's Nightmare City, with zombies using firearms and melee weapons. That's what our fightin' boys are up against.  Lizard or "Liz" gives them the low down and the fellas gear up.

With limited rounds, improvised melee weapons and some good old fashioned know-how, our boys know the pucker factor is at a nine. A small army of crackheads is making their move and the boys are getting tired and running out of time. FYI, the exposition told us the cops aren't hitting the neighborhood and the options are running low.

Few observations, the synth score really feels John Carpenter worthy via Escape from New York, the gangers and hypers are amusingly all white so you're damn right I laughed at that.   Far too many films of this sub-genre hire latinos and blacks to fill the junkie/street punks and yes if you really need examples of that, just look at the Dirty Harry and Death Wish franchise and you'll be hip to that cliche'.

Martin Kove's son Jesse (Ballistica, First Day, Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan, As Night Comes,Steve the Intern and The Black Hole) has followed in his father's footsteps and got the acting bug for a solid ten years. Good on you, man. A decade of work in anything deserves some congrats.

With the slow pace story telling, making a build up for the second act and brother this is a bloody flick. Not the bloodiest I have seen but it is on par with From Dusk Till Dawn for solid gore effects brought by Chris A. Wilks (CIA: Comrade in America, Queen of the South, Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich, Satanic Panic and The Chosen) and Bob Trevino (Wild America, Open Range, The Alamo, Glory Road, Predators, Machete, The Expendables, The Good Guys and Burn Notice: The Fall of Sam Axe).

 For 92 minutes I have been entertained and I am glad to have this in my collection. An homage to the midnight grindhouse and sleazy horror of the 70s and 80s, a overall vibe that felt like a tribute to the masters of the sub-genre to the likes of Umberto Lenzi, John Carpenter, Jack Hill and throw in some Tobe Hooper for good measure, I was not disappointed. So for an easy story to follow about old age, the grind of life, honor and giving a damn; this one covers that pretty well.

Got any change?!

Hidden Gem: Blood Tide

Howdy readers. So racking my brain on what to view and I just decided on a coin toss and a RETURN TO PUBLIC DOMAIN. Yes the Public Domain roulette can be deadly to one's sanity or it can entertain on many levels. Did I reach in a septic tank and find a plum? Well it wouldn't matter. The hygiene and health issues alone sound too awful to begin to speculate. What do you get with a Playboy playmate, the voice of Darth Vader and a sea monster? This is Blood Tide

Right now she is thinking, "I should have jumped Marko's bones.

Writer/director Richard Jefferies (Bloodtide, 14 Going on 30, Scarecrows, The Vagrant, Man of the House and Cold Creek Manor) is an English director, filming in Greece with American actors. Should be fun. This film just boast treasures, adventures, a monster and sacrificing innocent virgins and wonder of wonders, it is a Also Known As with alternative titles like: Blood Tide, Demon's Island, The Red Tide and Demon Island.

With a booming voice over, we know now that thousands of years ago life was an eternal struggle for good and evil. A creature haunted the Aegean Sea. Only with the sacrifice of virgins, appeased the beast. Guess Hercules left this part of Greece alone to keep chucking attractive women to an sea beast. You suck Herc!  Treated like an everyday occurrence, they sent out on a small raft like a buffet conveyor belt from an Automat; and are given a coin in the mouth to bid farewell to the mortal realm and Lord Charon, ferryman of the dead safe passage to the other side. Worry not sexist pig types that read this, the sacrifices are at least topless.

Not the best transition as we don't hear a blood curdling scream or see blood spraying the caves but modern time (well for 1982) as a speedboat makes some chop in the water, a happily newlywed couple Neil (Martin Kove of Last House on the Left, Death Race 2000, The Karate Kid, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Cagney & Lacey, Black Scorpion, Black Scorpion Returns and Revamped) and Sherry (Mary Louise Weller of Serpico, Kojak, Hunters of the Reef, National Lampoon's Animal House, Starsky and Hutch, Supertrain, The Bell Jar and Vega$) Grice, vacationing on their honeymoon. A pleasant enough synthesizer intro for our couple and their 80s hair has been coifed just so. Think it's freeze dried from all the mousse. 

Nero the Hero vacations!

 They're stopping off to look for Neil's sister, Madeline (Deborah Shelton of of Fantasy Island, The Fall Guy, The A-Team, The Yellow Rose, Body Double, Dallas, Nemesis and Silk Degrees) as she has been missing or simply out of contact for four months. Neil and Sherry seem to be in a constant state of next to no clothing on. This is pre-boner pills so maybe they have to work more at it.

Wise old man/mayor Nereus (Jose Ferrer of Cyrano de Bergerac, Moulin Rouge, The Great Man, Dune, Seduced, Covenant, Blood & Orchids, The Love Boat and Newhart) is the voice of the movie similar to Donald Pleasance's portrayal of Dr. Loomis in Halloween, and similar to another Donald Pleasance film; Land of the Minotaur, the villagers are next to useless for Neil's questions.  I was waiting for Greek Crazy Ralph to appear and scream about death curses and how all was doomed. Hey I am just thrilled night shots are actual night shots and not that horrible day for night filter.

Neil encounters Shakespearean spouting, hard drinking and wealth obsessed Frye (James Earl Jones of Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, The Great White Hope, Claudine, The Greatest, Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope, Exorcist II: The Heretic, Paris, The Flight of Dragons, Conan the Barbarian, Soul Man, Coming to America, Field of Dreams and Star Wars: Rogue One) and by encounter I mean he gets a butcher knife drawn to his throat and a look of a man willing to slash another from ear to ear. Y'know, a warm fella.  Did appreciate the Othello quotes though.

This is CNN...

Big sister seems barely lucid one moment and a bit snarky the next. Could be a dark and ominous portent or she could be high as a kite. Who can say. Embrace the possibilities.

Overtly jiggly and giggly Barbara or "Babs" (Lynda Cornell of Steel, Bloodtide, The Dukes of Hazzard, Too Close for Comfort, The Love Boat, Hotel, T.J. Hooker and Hunter) is giving the text book definition of dumb blonde. Turns out Frye is working to build up a substantial treasure find but those pesky kids he hired disturbed the ancient slumber of the beast.

With the whole town in a panic, Nereus speaks of the old ways of dealing with the creature. Yeah the lobbing virgin girls to the beast idea.

What we is a standard creature of legend story arc, some set of family values and the cliche greedy treasure hunters. The script is fair, the action is decent and the overall performances are quite good. The padding of the film however, is a bit long. Almost feels like they didn't really know what tempo to run it at so it does drag in places.

I was a little disappointed in the monster. Even some of the creatures of Danger on Tiki Island looked more believable and the premise is a bit similar. Perhaps with some additional POV shark like shots would have helped. I couldn't say. The creature's growl or sound effects sounded like someone walking in either a vat of grapes or jumping up and down in a crate of oranges.

Overall, it was enjoyable and is only an hour and a half. The fact that it was in public domain and I hadn't heard anything of it, makes this a find.  This can be found in public domain as well as my old buddies via Mill Creek Entertainment on one of their many 20 to 100 title launches.

POV of the Damned!!!