Dismember December: Christmas Evil

Welcome back carolers for Day 4 of Dismember December and as luck would have it we have us an also known as title. Precursor to Silent Night, Deadly Night our original title is You Better Watch Out, a lesser known flick compared to the upheaval that was Silent Night, Deadly Night. Oddly enough a lunatic goes on a rampage of murder and mayhem while dressed as Santa. This is Christmas Evil a.k.a. Terror in Toyland a.k.a. You Better Watch Out.

Look kids!  Santa's naughty now!

Directed by Lewis Jackson (The Deviates, The Transformation: A Sandwich of Nightmares, Christmas Evil), a fan favorite of the infamous John Waters (Pink Flamingos, Female Trouble, Desperate Living, Hairspray, Cry-Baby, Serial Mom, Pecker and A Dirty Shame) our film opens with a lovely trip to suburbia (shudder) during the year 1947 as young Harry sees his mother being felt up by Santa a.k.a. His dad in a suit and with that the lad is heartbroken. 33 years later, Harry (Brandon Maggart of Purlie, The World According to Garp, Jennifer Slept Here, Chicken Soup, Dream Date and The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.) is working a assembly position at the Jolly Dreams toy factory but at home...well Harry sees himself as the next tride and true Santa (THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!), with his apartment decked out in lights, ornaments and various toys, "Santa" watches on the neighborhood children from the roof of his building...with binoculars...like a creeper and even keeps a journal of naughty and nice kids.

Another eye gouge?? Must be Fulchi's fault.

Harry realizes that several of the assembly workers have been treating him like some dumb schmuck and taking advantage of him for ages. Seeing his co-worker Frank (Joe Jamrog of Christmas Evil, Blue Steel, The Fisher King and United 93) in a bar when he was supposedly sick making Harry fill-in for him teeters him from the realms of safe and sane. To make matters worse, Harry's own brother Phil (Jeffery DeMunn of The X-Files, The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, The Mist, The Walking Dead and Mob City) cancels Thanksgiving dinner on him at the last minute. Harry has left this grounded world and is convinced he is Santa and proceeds to dish out...Christmas justice??!!! A few rounds of breaking and entering, he smashes his nephews' toys and replaces them with handmade ones.

Harry takes out three preppies with an axe and... I am not certain if I should feel bad or imagine them as hipsters being vanquished instead. Really hate hipsters. Frank and his buddy George witness the murders as the Santa flees. Tension rises at Phil's household in which he is concerned about Harry and wondering if he is doing alright.

Will Harry carve out a new Christmas tradition? Will there be anyone left alive in Jersey? Will anyone notice Jersey devoid of people?

A few points I would like to make now. The cinematography of this low budget slasher is AWESOME! Shot with Panaflex in 35mm spherical it really gives it a good vibe in spite of being in mono via sound. Falling under Britian's Video Nasty Ban list, our movie an hour and 40 minutes but was deemed too gory to be edited down to 95 mines instead. I saw the hour and 40 so I guess some nudity and a couple of close-up zoom hatchet scenes were yanked.

I am perplexed by what I saw. On one hand, Santa is murdering a fair amount of people, but he delivered toys to kids in the hospital. This whole film seems to document a life that was scarred at an early age and attempted to muddle through it as best as possible. Attention slasher fans, the body count and death scenes are not over the top and not a large amount of them. What this film depicts is about a man's mental and emotional mindset ebbing away and no one seems to care.

I loved the police line up of Santas and the fact I recognized character actor Jeffrey DeMunn or Dale from Walking Dead and a very young Patrica Richardson (Jill from Home Improvement and Sheila Brooks from The West Wing). Not so much a psychological thriller but it was quirky, odd and kind of fun.

Holiday shopping can be murder,right?

Bruno Mattei Week: Rats: NIght of Terror

Greetings one and all to Day 1 of Bruno Mattei Week. This would normally be the part where you would be subjected to an insanely gross zombie film of far too many titles but is commonly known as Hell of the Living Dead but I have long since reviewed that film and have no desire to go back to it. Much like Godfather Part III, once is enough in my book.  Instead we hearken to the Post Apocalypse universe of such popularity since Mad Max. The re-emergence of this sub-genre has life breathed into every 5 to 10 years or so. Some are thought provoking, dark and abysmal existences and some are Waterworld. I kid Waterworld. Not such a bad flick if viewed a tad bit more objectively.

Nevertheless, I speak of a movie established 100 years after the nuclear fallout with inhabitants of this scorched Earth rise out of underground shelters in search of power, food and other such needs. This is Rats: Night of Terror.

Have fun cleaning up our poops!!

Brought us by the letter A for Atomic Fallout our band of underground dwellers in secure sanctuaries ascend to the surface to see what is become of the planet. Set in a desert town, our band of dirt covered, scruffy survivors are out and about travelling in trucks and bikes that somehow work well, the radiation didn't screw up the gasoline or perhaps they run on hopes, dreams and unicorn farts. Not sure what the deal is with that.

Puttering around this battered town that is rad free and the buildings are simply abandoned, our team is lead by a bearded goof name of Kurt (Ottaviano Dell 'Acqua of Crime Busters, Uppercut, Zombi, Nightmare City, Days of Hell, Cop Game, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2 and Double Team) and his collection of half educated warrior wastelanders including: the very striking and ridiculously named Chocolate (Geretta Geretta of Demons, Buy & Cell, Shocking Dark, Sweetiecakes, Bloody Christmas and The Becoming) and white afro wearing Video (Gianni Franco of The Phantom of the Opera, The Wax Mask, Crimes, Third Person and Colpi di fortuna).

Looks like a savvy bunch.

The rest of them... seriously you will not care. When they are not bickering at one another, they are discovering an elaborate hydroponics garden, filtered gallons of fresh uncontaminated water and a couple barracks full of packaged food. Which begs the question, who built this paradise and where are they now? Okay, we have to get to the goofy part as they raid the local tavern/watering hole and all these rats are just lumped together on the floor and around the bar top. A large gathering of rats seem to thwart our one dimensional gibbering mongoloids at every turn! With scenarios of them burrowing through stomachs and throats, the rats seem to be cutting our travelers off from the exits. What will they do next? Is there no end to their devious behavior? How can they be stopped?

A few comments about the movie now. Mattei is trying to get you to suspend loads of disbelief as the rats are overrunning the place like zombies when in actuality they are huddled together and some of them have dye in their fur to make them look black and menacing. Yup, white rat minstrel going on. Tsk tsk.

Most of the wild leaping scenes of the rats hurling themselves in the air like demented anime characters minus the speed lines you can clearly guess the arc and trajectory was possible by a stage hand lobbing the poor critters at the actors. The close-ups on one of the actors engulfed in rats you can easily see they are fake, plastic and glued onto his costume. Their main tech guy Video is convinced every piece of hardware simply needs a kick in the balls. No really. That is actual dialogue. Truly a film worth poking fun at, assuming you are not just laughing at the poorly dubbed dialogue and lack of inflection in the voices.

Kate Moss before Photoshop.

Lamberto Bava Week: A Blade in the Dark

Hey you crazy kids welcome back for Day 3 of Lamberto Bava Week and it is time for another giallo film. Again, if you are unaware Giallo is the term for Italian thriller which usually follow gruesome murder mysteries, unlikely victims, less than likely sleuths and always a morbid back-story for the killer. Such as it was with Dario Argento's Deep Red and Tenbre, this film is no exception to graphic deaths but is vastly tame for a horror movie's standards.

This is A Blade in the Dark.

Accidents will happen in the kitchen.

Our movie opens with two darn kids daring each other to go down a creepy fruit cellar and suddenly overpowered to neither be seen or heard from again. Working well into the nights composer Bruno (Andrea Occhipinti of Congquest, Bolero, Miranda, The Jeweller's Shop and The Sea Inside) is busting his hump on his latest creation as eerie mood music for a horror movie when he decides to rent a secluded villa so he make work in peace. This manor is enormous and inhabited by many. True to giallo modus operandi, a beautiful young woman Katia (Valeria Cavalli of Bomber,The Tenors, La bocca, Blood and Dust, The First Circle and Mother of Tears) has disappeared and may have been murdered in the villa itself.

So naturally rather that bringing one's suspicions to the cops Bruno proceeds to his own investigations. He ends up dragging Julia (Lara Lamberti of Street Dance, Red Sonja, Garibaldi the General, Aenigma and A Case for Two) his girlfriend that came to visit purely for some implied sex sequences and she is convinced Bruno is putting so much time and effort into finding this girl that clearly he boinking her as well. The investigation points to the horror movie in question. Bruno composes a score about an abused child taunted by bullies that tossed his or her tennis ball down a flight of stairs leading to a darken cellar and he begins to wonder what else this movie will reveal. With a heaping helping of red herrings, dead ends and more murders, Bruno may not be the best investigator on the job, given he has no DAMN experience at it.

All I know is Chopsticks, they're bound to figure out I am lying.

A film that seems to channel Argento as much as Hitchcock the murders have a sense of flair and style as there are no two alike. The clock is ticking down and the cast is being thinned out. Can Bruno figure out who the murder is, why the need for so much blood and what was the reasons behind it all? Is he up for the task? Should he strengthen his skills by playing 221B Baker Street and/or Clue?

Just a few notations on the film now. I was surprised on the control of Bava not showing us extremely graphic death scenes similar to his mentor Dario Argento. That man likes to make a statement that he has been there and it is an elaborate and over the top death scenario. Very brief in the nudity which again I was flabbergasted with considering the incredible collection of ladies for this film. The cat and mouse game was well delivered and really allowed tension to build up. Hell the composure by Guido and Maurizio De Angelis is astounding, offering so many emotions to come flooding from the viewers as suspense builds up over and over again.

My one complaint is I felt the film drug on a bit to meet the obligational release requirement demanding that of a 90 minute or more film. Filmed in 35mm Spherical via Eastman Color, this film does give good suspense, some horrendous deaths and in general some good thrills, chills and blood spills. While I don't recommend you sit down with the kiddies to watch it, again it lack a lot of foul language, nudity or really repugnant deaths.

Green doesn't flatter me like I thought!!!

Grab Bag Week Returns: Jason X

And welcome the last day of Grab Bag Week and what review of mine would be complete without mentioning at least one cheeseball horror movie?   A promise of 8 years after Jason Voorhees was sent to Hell the fans’ last image of him was his mask being snared with Freddy Kruger’s knife imbued glove, hinting that a showdown between the two monsters was well on its way.  Well that’s not the film we are enduring today.  So grab a flashlight, have some premarital sex and some booze.  This is Jason X.

PREMARTIAL SEX BAD!! Grrr!!!  Yarrr!!!

They won’t die! These Spoilers just won’t die!









The late director James Issac (The Horror Show, Skinwalkers and Pig Hunt) and writer Todd Farmer (The Messengers, My Bloody Valentine remake and Drive Angry) bonked their heads together and spewed this bit of dreck on the big screen with a decent budget.  Yeah that’s right kids I am talking about Jason in SpaAaaaAaceeeee!!!  Ahem, for those of you not in the knowing and count your lucky soul; we open our movie in 2015 after somehow Crystal Lake has a research center opened up, with no loss of construction workers, personnel or civvies getting eviscerated, broken, snapped or disemboweled with a trowel by Jason (Kane Hodder of Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood, Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan, Daredevil, Hatchet and Hatchet 2) ; as he is resting in Hell more than a decade.   Oops, plot sink hole?  So some elite cadre of Special Forces somehow captured Jason and had him in chains.  An argument for the behest of Jason’s remains is between Rowan (Lexa Doig of Tek War, Andromeda and Stargate: SG-1) the “Jason” expert and Dr Wimmer (David Cronenberg: director of Scanners, Videodrome, The Dead Zone and the Fly) some scientist of genetic manipulation and more sci-fi based babble claimed Jason Voorhees some regenerative ability so clearly we should restrain him and keep only one guard that doesn't look old enough to shave.

Yeah kids the first Friday the 13th onscreen murder in 8 years and…no we don’t even get to see it.  No sooner do the soldiers find Jason, he goes sickhouse on the lot and only Rowan left she freezes Jason in a cryogenic chamber and naturally trapped with him in a deep freeze.

Owww, my contacts!!!!  VISINE STAT!!!!!

A little over 400 years later both Rowan and Voorhees is discovered in said chamber, Jason looks like he is in an industrial ice machine the far off way of 2015 tech; this group of young students and teacher decide to take both Rowan and Jason back to their spaceship and save them.

Now let’s us step back for a moment and review.  Big hulking masked guy with a machete in his hand and slight and petite girl on the floor with a stab wound. Hmm, I wonder what to do.  Faster that you can say get the hell out of there, the door knobs revive the “Jason” expert and she begins warning them over and over channeling her inner Ripley at half the height, she is scoffed and yes you guessed Jason awakes and proceeds to make meat patties out of a few of the students but hey worry ye not smarter kids.  We have our own squad of pseudo colonial marines that travel with us and they’ll take this boyo on.

With their Doom stolen weapons title of BFGs (Big F**king Guns).   Very little was done to train these people with in military precision,  couple of days with an off duty S.W.A.T. Commander maybe but no; it’s nitwits with guns.
Suffice to say I am not impressed with Todd Farmer’s writing thus far and it is not even remotely possible I ever will be.   Decent usage of CGI effects and the death scenes were fairly elaborate but all in all we really didn't break new ground here.  Apparently the key notion is do NOT take a killer into space or you get straight-to-DVD results.

Stupid gun!  I better get a pitchfork or kitchen knife!

Dirty Harry Week

Hey folks.  Sorry for being AWOL today.  I am building cosplay costumes for a photo shoot later this April and I lost track of time.   This week I thought we would tackle the original glib action hero.  A man of few words, dirty deeds and a hog leg that could blow your head clean off.  I speak of none other than Inspector Harry Callahan otherwise known as " Dirty Harry".  A rough and tumble modern day cowboy that totes a hand cannon .44 magnum six shooter.   The inspector works homicide for San Francisco Police Department and is given every dirty job that comes down the pike because he can stomach it but he doesn't have to like it.  He's rude, mean and packs a helluva right hook when he isn't blasting an offender and is exactly the man you need for the scum plaguing the streets whether the higher ups want to admit it or not.
   
Played by Clint Eastwood at the time was known primarily from the Sergio Leone Spaghetti Westerns (A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly), Eastwood did appearances in Maverick and Death Valley Days before becoming a regular on Rawhide.  Dirty Harry allowed him to showcase a cop that didn't follow every rule and bend the others to get the job done.  Without setting this paradigm character there would be no Axel Foley of Beverly Hills Cop or John McClane of Die Hard.   That in mind let's enjoy the Dirty Harry Collection and hope that no punk thinks he is lucky enough to handle the man.

Like the suit?  Well, do you, punk?

Valentine Week: My Bloody Valentine

Welcome back my loyal readers to Day 2 of Valentine Week.  Yesterday we had to tackle a less than savory remake of a less than noteworthy 80’s slasher but guess what??  Nothing? Not even gonna try.  Fine, well we are going to endure the original now.  The one of the worst things to hail from Canada this side of Final Sacrifice and Justin Beiber, this film is cheesier than a Quattro formaggio pizza and we get to experience it together.  I know you are counting yourselves lucky in this but hang on.  This is My Bloody Valentine a.k.a. The Secret.

What does cannon fodder mean?

Mayor Hanniger: (reads card out loud) From the spoiler comes a warning, filled with bloody good- cheer, remember what happened as the 14^th draws- near!

Yes there is a mighty large shindig, possibly a hootenanny to happen Valentine’s Day in the mining town of Valentine Bluffs, Nova Scotia…you get the feeling that cable modems, coffee shops and stimulating conversation is a long way away from them… Ahem back to the astounding story,  this will be the first Valentine’s Day party in over 20 years as the crappy flashback sequence will tell you an accident occurred and men because security for the mine was partying as well.   Methane built up and no one there to check the levels so one good spark and BABOOM!   The sole surviving miner Harry Warden (Stuntman/actor Peter Cowper of Oh Heavenly Dog and My Bloody Valentine) had to survive on the meat of his former coworkers or you know, eat a Hot Pocket so better to resort to cannibalism at that point.   A whole year later Harry found his two supervisors, killed them both with a pickaxe, tore their hearts out and left them in Valentine candy boxes as a warning to the town that if another Valentine dance occurs, he will go on a bloody rampage.     Warden is caught and shacked up in the wacko basket so the younger generations deem him nothing more than a ghost story. 

So the town tries to rise from the ashes of this insanity and get their Valentine’s dance groove on.   The Mayor (Larry Reynolds of When Michael Calls, PCU and Blown Away) and Sheriff Jake Newby [I swear I did not just make that name up] (Voice actor Don Francks of Cadillacs and Dinosaurs, Monster Force, X-Men, and Journey to the Center of the Earth) look at a box of chocolates sent to the mayor with a note with poor penmanship and a severed human heart as a warning about the impeding dance.

I sense a dirty cavern joke here somewhere.

Desperate to calm the fears of the Mayor and himself, Newby (snicker) calls the asylum to find out they have no records of Warden, his known whereabouts or what’s become of him… A loony man that butchered his bosses is somehow missing and they didn’t think to call the town and warn ANYBODY??!!!!   In this dinky, little town; the local sheriff has no idea of a get together involving booze, sex and drugs??  Oh, c’mon!   You know all these kids by face and name, man.  You rousted them out of kegger nights and confiscated their pot and you have no clue where they are setting up a drinking and debauchery binder?? They can’t afford a hotel and the owner would just narc on them ASAP so of course the mine!!!  Give me your badge, you chucklehead!!

Frankly I recognized only one cast member and that was Helene Udy because she was a main character on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman as frontier town Colorado Springs’ premier prostitute.  Yes when you date, you get to watch more shows and films than you ever considered viewing in the first place.

Moving along to the technical aspect of the movie, I found the gore effects via blood and prosthetics to be well done.  Researching the FX crew I found a family name that sticks out in FX legend.   I speak of the Burmans.  Ellis, the father cut his teeth in the biz doing Lon Chaney Jr.’s transformation to the Wolf Man.   His brother Thomas is known for his makeup works on Die Hard 2, Grey’s Anatomy and Nip/Tuck.   Thomas’s son Barney is one of the leading TV and Movie SFX makeup artists for shows and films like Star Trek III: Search for Spock, Brain Dead, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Galaxy Quest, Planet of the Apes and Men in Black II.   This is literally the wildest family tradition.   In this household you hear a father say, “The hell you are becoming a doctor!  Now go make realistic vomit and gross out your little sister right now, young man!”

 Last note was the MPAA, made Paramount cut 9 minutes out of the film because it was FAR TOO GRAPHIC!!!   Screen tests proved that people pooped their pants on this so Paramount refused to make an unrated version for DVD viewers.  Lion’s Gate having no qualms about blood splatters or obligatory breast shots bought the rights to the film and released an unrated version of My Bloody Valentine around 2009 to co-inside with the release of the remake.   Smart marketing, fellas.

Billy, you're hurting me!  Billy?

Bill Murray Week: Caddyshack

Welcome to Day 1 of Bill Murray Week!  With it being a cold miserable day out, I thought I would start us off with some light nudity, vulgar comments, life altering decisions, a persistent groundskeeper and one wily gopher.  It is important to note this film does not revolve around the lead actors but in fact the story arcs envelope the caddies rather than the golfers.  That being said I would invite you to gather your clubs, bend at the knees for better swing and above all else, be the ball.  This is Caddyshack.

Danny, you ever seen a grown man naked?

Carl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion.  It looks like a spoiler… It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!

From the demented minds of writer/director/actor Harold Ramis (SCTV, Meatballs, Stripes, The Rodney Dangerfield Show: It’s Not Easy Bein’ Me, Ghostbuster and Back to School) and character actor/screenwriter/voice actor Brian Doyle-Murray (Modern Problems, Saturday Night Live, Sixteen Candles, Scrooged, Nothing But Trouble, JFK and Groundhog Day) comes a story of the madcap goings on an a prestigious and rather exclusive golf club known as Bushwood Country Club.   The members are insanely wealthy and easily bored, the staff are back breaking blue collars that need some squirrelly in their lives to relieve the monotony.

Jeez, haven't seen this much chest sweat since Night of the Living Dead.

Our film revolves around a young caddie name of Danny (Michael O’ Keefe of M*A*S*H, The Great Santini, Fear, Against the Law and King & Maxwell) who is scrounging all his funds to go to college, he attempts to befriend a prominent member Judge Smails (Ted Knight of 13 West Street, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Aquaman, The Batman/Superman Hour, Super Friends and Too Close for Comfort) a petty man that feels he is entitled more than he already is but can offer a recommendation and the Caddy scholarship for Danny if Danny plays by the rules…yawn. 

Enter eccentric Ty Webb (Chevy Chase of SNL, Foul Play, National Lampoon’s Vacation, Fletch, Spies Like Us and Community) an exquisite golfer and playboy millionaire whose point of view on life is mostly based on the ideal swing and the pursuit of young women.  Danny is asked to attend the christening of the Judge’s new sail boat and Danny gets above and beyond friendly with the Judge’s niece Lacey (Cindy Morgan of Up Yours, Tron, CHiPs, Bring ‘Em Back Alive and Falcon Crest) but Smails tells Danny all is alright so long as he keeps things quiet.   Land developer Al Czervik (Comedian Rodney Dangerfield)torments our uptight judge during a game and informs Smails he wouldn’t bother being a member of this snooty club and just turn the land into condos.

I saved the best for last.  You are probably asking, “Jake, where in the fresh hell is Bill Murray??!!!”  Well, stop shouting and hang on.  Our hero steals the show in many solo scenes as Carl Spackler, the greenskeeper who has been tasked with the continuous problem of gophers in the court and engages in a one man war against the furry antagonist.   Visual effects guru of Industrial Light and Magic John Dykstra makes small scale and life scale burrows and animatronics for the gopher giving a ridiculous but elaborate network of tunnels under the course.  It reminded me a bit of Dagobah in Empire Strikes Back.

It’s raunchy, rude and really funny.  A side note this was Dangerfield’s first film after a steady career in stand-up couldn’t understand why the film crew wasn’t cracking up from his one-liners and antics.  His co-star Scott Colomby (Tony D’ Annunzio) told him the crew is biting their tongues and cheeks so they don’t laugh over the soundtrack and he is slaying them.

Burying a human body can be a lot of work...where you goin'?!

Horror of 1970 Week: The Werewolf Vs the Vampire Woman

Hi there kids and welcome back to Day 3 of Horror of 1970 Week and again I want to apologize for Mark of the Devil, I also was not prepared for that level of Eurohorror.  Today is a total different story as seen from the absurd title alone so grab your silver bullets, prep a flame thrower and get some garlic.  This is The Werewolf Vs the Vampire Woman.

Hey, do I have anything in my teeth?

Beware of the moon, for it brings spoilers in the night!!

Journey into the realms and recesses of the mind of writer Paul Naschy (Seven Murders for Scotland Yard, The Mummy’s Revenge, The Man with the Severed Head, Curse of the Devil, Vengeance of the Zombies, Devil’s Possessed, House of Psychotic Women and Countess Dracula’s Orgy of Blood) a Spainard warped by the love of Universal horror movies, Hammer films and comic books such as Eerie Tales and Tales From the Crypt causing him to write more than 40 different movies for Spanish and Eurohorror films as well as produce and direct.  With his very dark humor and satire he brings an unusual blend of unintentional comedy with his horror and vice versa.  Mixed with director Leon Kilmovsky (Desert Warrior, Leap to Fame, Django, a Bullet for You, Vengeance of the Zombies, The Dracula Saga and Devil’s Possessed) the two have worked hand in hand trying to push the horror envelope without a huge budget to work with.   As for our movie this is a continuation of the title: Fury of the Wolf Man.

Necking takes a new meaning.

A now dead werewolf, Count Wladermar Daninsky (writer PaulNaschy) slays the two doctors performing an autopsy on him after removing the silver bullets from his heart.  Well that is gratitude for ya.  Heading back to his ancestral home, the disheveled Count hides and manages to look civilized.

Making their way across the French countryside (which is shot in Madrid) two students and friends Elvira (Gaby Fuchs of Girimm’s Fairy Tales for Adults, As You Like It, Die Geisha and Tatort) and Genevieve (Barbara Capell of Lolita, The Love Mad Baroness, All Kitties Go for Sweeties and Madame Pompadour) explore the lands and stop at a foreboding castle and go in to visit only to be greeted by our Count who feels the need to tell the tale of a forgotten vampiric countess that ruled these lands in the 13^th century.  Yeah that is a different ice breaker.  Rarely do I take people around the house and tell them about a possible double homicide.

So intrigued by these tales of sin and debauchery that the girls go and investigate the tomb of Countess Nadasdy (Patty Shepard of Glass Ceiling, My Dear Killer, Hannah, Queen of the Vampires, Ella and Edge of the Axe) Elvira accidently resurrects the countess causing Daninsky to morph into the wolfman to do battle with the countess.

I had just a few comments on the film.  Now given budget wise this B movie has good pacing, excellent sets and even good lighting and camera work.  Given their timeline and lack of deadline this movie did the very level best that it could on a shoestring budget.  The only real annoying aspect of it was the English dubbing was a bit painful to hear but watching it in Spanish with subtitles gave it almost an art quality. 

Join us!.. we have cookies.

Take my advice people, skip the dubbed version.  Yes there is a fair amount of blood given well gee it is a werewolf/vampire movie but it is actually tastefully done.  There is brief nudity so the fellas will be thrilled of course but all in all it was pretty fun and I dare you to not laugh at the first appearance of the terrifying lycanthrope.  I spat up my drink and sniggered for a few.

Blog 275!!!! The Beastmaster!!!

Hey hey, hey boys and girls!!! Welcome back to Director of the Week: Don Coscarelli and I bet you would like to hear about Phantasm II… Well it is archived so look it up.  That’s right I reviewed it ages ago but don’t worry my little munkins I have another film in mind that spawned two sequels and even its own TV series of three seasons worth.  So don your loincloth, commune with nature and talk to the animals. This is The Beastmaster.

He is...Chest Waxer!!!

Dar: I have my eyes…I have my cunning…and I have my spoiler.

Based on the award winning sci-fi fantasy writer Andre Norton (Astra, Beast Master, Carolus Rex,Witch World, Trillium and Estcarp Cycle), Don Coscarelli and writer Paul Pepperman (The Beastmaster, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time and Beastmaster: The Eye of Braxus) collaborate to bring this tale of kings, tryants and monsters to life.

This is the story of Dar (Marc Singer of V, A Man Called Sarge, Watchers II, Dead Space, Dan Turner, Hollywood Detective, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time and Angel Blade), son of King Zed (yes, that is his character’s name) who was claimed from his mother’s womb by an evil witch in order to end the Empirical order and install the dark, menacing high priest Maax (Rip Torn of Tropic of Cancer, Slaughter, Cotter, Payday, City Heat, Men in Black and Wonder Boys) leaving him free to reign Hell on Earth.   The witch women prepare young Dar for his ritual sacrifice when a poor villager swooped in and rescued the boy.  Good timing on his part.

Tuesday Night is deep fried toddler night at the Sizzler.

The villager raised Dar as his own son and begins to notices how the boy is adept to fighting from their sparring lessons.  Proud father he is, he also notices the strange interaction the lad has with the animals around them.  It is almost as he is speaking with them.   No sooner is the village joy and prosperity is ruined (Cue Conan the Barbarian incidental music) as the villages is sacked, pillaged and burned to the ground by beast like warriors known only as the Jun Horde.   Dar being the only survivor of this horrific attack, vows revenge and journeys (while not listening to Journey) to the land of his father’s former kingdom with only the death of Maax on his mind.

I have just a few tidbits on this particular film now. The kingdom and surroundings are mostly scale model representations and a bit of superimposed pictures but the way it is shot only a persnickety film student would be hip to it.  Minatures modeler Bret Culpepper (The Beastmaster, Human Highway and The Jupiter Menace) working in sync with Visual Effects Cinematographer William Cruse (City on Fire, The Amityville Horror, TRON, Repo Man, Firestarter and The Haunted)really bring the A game in this delivery.  

Wardrobe malfunction in Sci-fi Fantasy!!

Between the copious amounts of stuntmen, not to mention animal trainers you get the feeling this was an impressive production value.   The story is a bit cliché of the seeking vengeance aspect but it was a pretty common theme in loads of genre films, TV and books.  All in all, this was pretty enjoyable and one of the few sci-fi fantasy films I could watch again.