Dismember December: One Hell of a Christmas

Merry Christmas to the readers for Day 5 of Dismember December! Welp, we have had some clever flicks, some shoddy creations and somethings best left in the Wal-Mart bargain bin and then...we have this moving pictures magic. Plugged by Fangoria magazine, Fangoria Films keeps churning out creations that would make plethora of demons upchuck. I have endured three Fangoria flicks: School's Out, Dead Creatures and Eternal Blood and all were deeply disappointing. Will this be the exception? This is One Hell of a Christmas.

Christmas strumpets!!! Yay!!!

Writer/director Shaky Gonzalez (Nattens engel, Kokken, Emergency Release, Pistoleros and The Last Demon Slayer) brought us a low budget mass conglomerate of horror movie cliches and even greater dramatic film cliches all in one film. Yippee?? Our main protagonist Carlitos (Tolo Montana of One Hell of a Christmas, Kokken and What's Wrong with This Picture) spent two years in the jug just got released and he sounds like a bargin basement of Al Pacino via Scarface or possibly Carlito's Way who is thinking of re-establishing his fractured relationship with his son and ex-wife. He runs into his old buddy Mike (Thure Lindhardt of Into the Wild, Flame and Citron, Angels & Demons, The Borgias, Fast & Furious 6 and The Bridge) who seems to be channeling Jason Mewes got his hands on this uber-McGuffin talisman that is supposed to give the owner incredible powers thanks to the power of exposition.

So are we less than the Gecko Brothers or Cheech & Chong?

Rather allowing his buddy make the mistake of pursuing his family, Mike drags Carlitos off for hookers and drugs because...it's Christmas time?? Mike rips off a drug pusher for some money and this funky claw necklace, only to find out it give you the power of green screen as bullets pass through you, enhances your strength and make you grimace in a ridiculous fashion from (steady yourself) producing a magical cocaine. The talisman is actually a claw from Satan himself and has a guardian of such, hell bent (GET IT!!??) to laying claim back to it, and body swaps to get to both Mike and Carlitos to dispense justice or vengeance or whatever else this schlock written pile of puppy poop is establishing. The possessed remind me of the original Evil Dead in the way they yell and move and that was intriguing but that is all.

Ordinarily I do not jump on low budget horror as I have enjoyed a few but...creates decent gore gags but the demonic entity possessed people look pretty shoddy in the make-up department. The prosthetics looks like something you would see at a haunted house and the lighting was less than satisfactory. With the camera angles similar to Robert Rodrigez with steady cam, a bit of dolly and some crane or off of building shots, it makes it interesting but does not improve the story.

With a script that feels like borrowed elements of Peter Jackson's Dead Alive, Evil Dead and a hint of Desperado, the cliches start stacking up like cord wood. Not the worst film I have endured but certain one of the worst Christmas horror themed. Move long folks, nothing to see here.

Yeesh, with looks like that, I hope he got a discount.

Bob and Bing Road Week: Road to Singapore

Welcome girls and boys of all ages to Day 1 of Bob and Bing Road Week and what better way to start of the week than with the original film that started the Road saga. Bringing together two playboys who choose to hit the high seas see their fellow sailors get the riot act by the wives and girlfriends. Our pals pledge to swear the fair sex away and forget their women woes... that is until they spy with their purdy lil eyes a shapely Dorothy Lamour. This is Road to Singapore.

Top billing, babies.

Joshua Mallon IV: You must think the world is just some three ring spoiler, and all you've got to do is run around and have fun

Josh Mallon (Bing Crosby of Sing, You Sinners, Paris Honeymoon, My Favorite Blonde, Dixie and Going My Way), an adventurous fellow is plagued by his father Joshua Mallon IV into settling down with a chosen girl and carrying in the million dollar family business of steam ships.

But our boy prefers to pal around with his childhood chum Ace Lannigan (Bob Hope of Some Like It Hot, The Cat and the Canary, My Favorite Blonde, Road to Utopia and My Favorite Brunette) who loves balling it up and having a laugh. When trying to entertain the snooty guests about the ship the snarky barbs of Ace end up the boys into a real donnybrook. With the severance pay, our sailors hop a ship bound for Singapore but the boys run out of the cabbage in no time and get dropped a remote island chain called Kaigoon.

Well, at least it's not black face??  Ho boy.

Enjoying the cabaret acts with a stunning Mima (Dorothy Lamour of The Jungle Princess, Swing High, Swing Low, The Last Train from Madrid, Road to Zanzibar, Road to Morocco and They Got Me Covered) is being manhandled by her lead dancer Ceasar (Anthony Quinn of Road to Morocco, China Sky, The Guns of Navarone, Lawrence of Arabia, Zorba the Greek and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys- Hercules and the Lost Kingdom) that yet another fight breaks out and our boys exit stage left with Mima. With next to no money our threesome tries to find a way to make some lettuce without getting too zany. Cesar and Joshua Mallon IV are in hot pursuit of the fellas and things are looking a bit bleak and tensions are bit high given both of the guys have the hots for Mima.

Will our sea faring friends come out on top or will they be adrift at sea?

A few fun facts about this film now.

This is the first of the seven Bob Hope, Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour “Road” movies. Originally this film was titled Beach of Dreams was to star George Burns and Gracie Allen. When they bowed out it was re-titled Road to Mandalay for Fred MacMurray and Jack Oakie before its final title was revealed and recast.

After the failed attempts of getting either George Burns or Fred MacMurray into the picture, producer Harlan Thompson offered it to Bob and Bing with he saw these two clowning around on the Paramount lot and genuinely got along with each other. A lucky thing for Thompson.

Three hour tour, my eye.

Blog Number 575! : Bob and Bing Road Week

Well hello and welcome to the week my fine readers. It has come to my attention that the blog may lack taste and refinement. This of course is news to me but seeing the requests coming in I thought we would partake in the Road to movies Bob Hope, Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour.

Two Jews walk in a bar... hang on I think I forge the rest.

With the adventures taking place all over the world our heroes sing, doing ad-libs and inside Hollywood jokes, this trio entertained with song and dance and wild antics to appease the audience and kept people in stitches with snappy patter and great physical humor. Bob and Bing were a natural duo that perfected their formula of jibber jabbing past whatever minor scenario only to end up in a heap of mess towards the end and constantly fighting over the affection of Dorothy Lamour, a femme fatale that always had her way and got her say.

Let's head wherever the road Bob and Bing may take us.

Eye candy indeed!  Well, I never!