Damn that is a nice car.

Hey all.  Just touching base on a cult following that could only be rivaled by Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its spin-off show Angel.  I refer to those pesky kids, the Winchester boys.  Driving in their father’s ’67 Impala these two very different lads dispense justice for the victims of the monsters that go bump in the night.   So sharpen your stakes, pour your silver bullet molds and above all don’t be a douche nozzle.   This is Supernatural Season 1.

Spoilers are all around us man!

Our pilot opens with a happy prosperous young man Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki of Gilmore Girls, House of Wax and Friday the 13^th) pre-law student, straight A’s and hotty for a girlfriend Jessica (Adrianne Palicki of Lone Star, Legion, Wonder Woman and Red Dawn) and over all life is feeling good.  The two lovebirds have a little celebration nookie and fall asleep (No fellas, this is CW so no skin on that level) when Sam hears a noise in the apartment, goes to investigate and handle the burglar.  After a fairly intense fight choreography we can see Sambo has had some training only to get tossed on his butt by…his little big brother Dean (Jensen Ackles of Dawson’s Creek, Still Life, Smallville, My Bloody Valentine and Batman: Under the Red Hood).   After nursing a few egos and bruises, Dean tells Sam their dad has gone hunting and hasn’t been back in awhile.   Feels all coded in front of girlfriend Jessica.  Reluctantly Sam joins Dean in pursuit of their wayward father because you see folks the family business is hunting…monsters of all shapes and sizes.

Ahh spoiler you say?  You had 8 years!  Catch up!

Now given that John and Jane Public thinks monsters are nothing more than the work of fiction, cinema and tween writers, our would be heroes have to go incognito.  So on top of less than legal firearms, credit card fraud and posing as Federal officers, our lads do battle with the nastiest freakiest creatures this side of Sunnydale.

The storyline unfolds on what could have made these two seemingly normal guys into hunters of the preternatural and extra-dimensional.    22 years prior the boys’ mother died in a mysterious fire and their father, a Marine recon Vietnam vet could not save her in time.   Finds out there are creatures of myth and legend and they are very real.  To keep his boys safe he will instruct them how to survive, fight and win.  From hand to hand combat, firearms and blades these two could probably be dropped on the F.B.I.’s most wanted list if they wanted to go on a killing spree but they remain knight errants and do what they must to spare families the hell that is their lives.

Admittedly I went into this show kicking and screaming foul to preceding shows. Kolchak: the night stalker Poltergeist : The Legacy, Friday the 13^th The Series and X-Files all dealing with the ghosts and ghoulies so I felt yeah YET another less than original idea.  This bleak, dark background story unfolding simultaneously with the current events quickly changed my mind and established this is a dialogue driven story arc as much as it is character based.   A dysfunctional family that shows their breaking points, their flaws and strengths gives scope to the show and guest stars galore.  Only complaint from the man here, not enough reoccurring eye candy for hetro boys.  

Blade Trinity: Drac is Back...

Hey kids back again with another comic book movie and I can tell how much you will be thrilled and overwhelmed with joy as I crack open the shell of this flick.  So grab your silver nitrate and garlic and practice your most menacing glare.  This is Blade Trinity.

Spoilers are born ready, mother*&ker!

Yes I am touching base with creation of writer/director/producer David Goyer (Batman Begins, Blade, Blade II, The Dark Knight, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance and The Dark Knight Rises) who felt while by Stephen Norrington (Alien 3, Blade and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) and Guillermo del Toro (Kronos, Devil’s Backbone, Blade II, Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy 2: The Golden Army) did what he described as a fair job with his scripts, Goyer felt that something was missing from each of the predecessors and took it upon himself to finish the trilogy.   I am not saying the outcome is pure Ed Wood but…well here are some highlights.

Keeping with the comic book anti-hero theme based on Marv Wolfman’s character, Blade is up to his usual shenanigans i.e. lack of stealth.   Guy would not know subtle if it crept up on him and bit him in the ass.  Our story opens in the Syrian Desert allegedly just before Iraq lies the Tomb of Dracula (Boy that would make a great title for a comic) and about 5 low level vamps unearth him and convince him to do away Blade (Wesley Snipes of Passenger 57, Demolition Man, Blade, Blade II, and The Art of War) who half way around the world is torching a warehouse, laying to waste the undead and sneering all the way he does it.  Man I do dig the coat though.  This of course leads to a high speed chase in what looks like the FDR tunnel but in actuality are the tunnels of Montreal.  Yes Canada, imitating the U.S. since 1920 Prohibition.  From bikes to the ’68 Charger our beloved daywalker streaks the road with ash ridden corpses and one accidental human death as he realizes he was framed for manslaughter.   Whoops, his goof.  Sending the F.B.I. to his doorstep Blade and Whistler are attacked and Whistler (Kris Kristofferson of Convoy, A Star is Born, Knights, Blade and Blade II)is caught in his own self destruct blast leaving Blade captured by the feds.   Left to the vampires pulling the strings behind the humans, Blade looks finished but is in fact saved by a cell of vampire hunters, Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds of Van Wilder, Foolproof, Smokin’ Aces and X-Men Origins: Wolverine) and Abigail Whistler (Jessica Biel of Seventh Heaven, Summer Catch, Celluar, Stealth, and The A-Team). 

 Dracula a.k.a. Drake (Dominic Purcell of Mission: Impossible II, Equilibrium and Prison Break) decides his children of the night got soft, lazy and foolish and decides to embrace the challenge that is the daywalker.  Goyer establishes Dracula as the Adam of Vampires the very source but goes back to the Babylonian timelines linking him to Lovercraft elder gods such as Dagon.   An interesting spin but nevertheless the hardcore Marvel fans have issues with this one more so than the first two and here are some of those reasons:  Hannibal King in the comics was an undead P.I.  Think Mick St. John from Moonlight.  Yes, a vampire trying to hold onto humanity by still beating the pavement playing shamus without relying on vampire traits too much.   Tomb of Dracula issues also state Dracula was Vlad Tempus made vampire and not the progenitor but because he held the title “Lord of the Vampires” from his predecessor he can shape shift, come back from ash and even tango with ease.   While I felt Reynold’s one liners were getting a bit tiresome and Snipes really needed to smile every now and then it wasn’t a bad flick.  Just think it could have used a bit more meshing from the previous source material.

Big Tits Zombie...I know what you are thinking..

Hey all, back with YET another zombie film.  Maybe this one will have its own unique spin.  Instead of that tired lumbering zombie of Romero years, this will be mildly intelligent and sentient flesh eaters.  Doomed to roam a world where no one understands their plight, hopes and dreams.   So grab your clear heels, draw up your g-string and prepare of swirling and twirling.  This is Jugs &Ghouls…er…I mean Big Tits Zombie.

Spoilers dig strippers…it’s true…look it up.

Soft core pornographer/writer Takao Nakano (Sumo Vixen, Sexual Parasite and Hot Step Jump!) decided to branch out in his…particular genre of horror eroticism and delve into the realm of zombies.  Now you Nakano fans must be asking, “But Jake how will he achieve the proper exploitation of actresses and insure us nudity?”   Well as luck would have it he makes the girls fending off the legions of the undead, strippers.   Yeah breaking some new unfettered ground there let me tell you.  This manga (Japanese comic book for those of you not in the knowing) influenced film was based on Rei Mikamoto’s Kyonyu-Dragon.   Our story opens with a barely dressed stripper lightly dribbled with blood.  I think it must have been a pen cap full sprinkled on.   As she attempts to clean her ample cleavage off, three shambling ghouls appear with patented Walking Dead moans.  Another girl with a cowgirl outfit and chainsaw, Lena (Adult actress Sola Aoi) splits one down the middle in true Tokyo Gore Police fashion with blood sprinklers at the ready.  She proceeds to have technical difficulties but her friend got her second wind, proceeds to go sickhouse on the lot with a katana.   Joining back in the fray, Lena goes back to back with Ginko (Risa Kasumi of Tokyo Girls 2: Supervixens and Subete no onna ni uso ga aru)

A few technical critiques I have offhand.  The feel of the film is to give the implied Grindhouse standing.  Lower budget and grainy film stock to give it that patented 1960’s exploitation feel and overall it is decent but the combo of CGI blood splatter, squibbed gel blood packs as well as the more viscous sprays with a under cranked fast paced film may be a bit hard on the photophobic eyes.   Takano is really going for the live anime standing so that means absurd violence, twisting the laws of gravity and physics with a dash of what the hell.   Lucky me I got to endure the 3D version and yes we are talking old school red and blue glasses rather than your polarized version of current.  Migraine sufferers you may want to skip this film but of course the title didn’t shoo you away I guess you deserve your fate.

This is ridiculous violence, caricatures of working girls and an amusing narrative through this bloodbath.  Mindless hack and slash for all to enjoy and yes boys ample amounts of nudity so you are fully covered. So have at it folks.  I’m going to crack up a Doctor Who book.

Toxic Zombies..or Why Some Should not star and direct.

Well it wouldn’t be a zombie film a bit of gore and cheesy comments but this one takes the cake on music steals, bad dubbing, and yes even sound effects’ timing is off.  So grab your bug out bag, machete and solid rifle.  This is Toxic Zombies.

Spoilers can only be destroyed if you get the brain.

Charles McCrann is our writer/director/lead actor brings us the depths of this utter hell that this film is.  Violence with no real explanation nor any real attempt at character development and all back stories consists of people babbling about events we have not seen or these people should not yet have knowledge of.  Citizen Kane this is not.  Hell I wouldn’t even give it Citizen Toxie.   With a cast of no one I could recognize other than John Amplas (of Martin, Day of the Dead, Creepshow and No Pets) and he is not even a lead part.  He remains in the shadows of obscurity.  To start us on this journey; pot growers are using government land to score 2 million big ones in grass and have no qualms about killing officials to keep their crops.   We open this film up with what I thought was two hunters with rifles.  I mean commonly you see two guys decked out in flannel and hiking boots you would come to that conclusion too.  Cut to a topless bathing scene?  Well of course there’s one.  We are two minutes and forty seconds into this flick we got to keep the male audience or their attention span might wander.  So we get spliced cut shots of hunters and back to topless sudsy goodness.   After a quick dress she is informed the two hairballs with rifles are federal officers, she tries to bail and they shot her in the back…well the back of the neck according to her cheesy flesh wound.   No sooner have these crack officials realized they shoot a woman, that by the way was their only concern.  Not that they just shot an unarmed person but the fact she happened to be female.  Stay classy, movie.   Two hippies do in the officials and the frigging knifing sound effect is about a second and a half off from the strikes.  Yeah this is not exactly quality entertainment.   

Establishing from Commander Exposition and Junior Plot Point; two other officials realize the only way to tend to this problem is to release an untested chemical on the government land and thus destroying the pot.   With the help of a drunken sot of a pilot the chemicals are released and the hippies turn more yellow than a colony of vegans.   Suddenly more violent tendencies are occurring in the hippies and they proceed to do away with anyone that is not as messed up as they.

Our hero/writer/director acts his way into the paper bag and cannot leave there as he and his wife’s passionate lovemaking turns night to day and vice versa with fade scenes.  Random campers and their children are not safe in these insane making woods as they are laid siege upon. 

Now let us step back and observe for a second.  These zombie like folk are wielding hand weapons, rocks and even mastered fire for torches again and all without the aid of Dr. Rickles from Day of the Dead teaching them, so not exactly certain how to describe this lot, other than all messed up.   Most of the music for this flick has been lifted from Day of the Dead, a sped up version of Halloween, Dawn of the Dead and a mutilated version of Jaws as well.   I am not certain but I can manage some disgruntlement.  Go enjoy your evening outside or sit in with a book.

Subspecies...Gem of Month.

Hey Halloween folks, what say we sit around the campfire and bring up an obscure B movie that became a franchise from Full Moon Entertainment?  So prep some holy water, start chopping that garlic and prep the blackthorn oak stakes.  This is Subspecies.

Spoilers be immortal…

Director/writer/producer Ted Nicolaou (Bloodstone: Subspecies II, Remote, Bloodlust: Subspecies III, Dragonworld and Vampire Journals) brings forth the tale of Vampires and humans living in a pact of peace for far too long according to some.  The vampire King Vladislav (Angus Scrimm of Phantasm 1 through 4 and I Sell the Dead) is beseeched by his eldest son Radu (Anders Hove of Critters 4, The Silencer, Bloodstone: Subspecies II, Family Passions, Loving, Bloodlust: Subspecies III and Subspecies 4: Bloodstorm) whom he exiled centuries ago now returns to Prejnar to claim the throne and the sacred bloodstone.   This enchanted artifact that is said to drip the blood of the saints which would empower or warp a vampire.  Radu is no ordinary vampire as he seems to have powers magic as well as his own vampirism as he creates minions from his own blood freeing him from his temporary prison and allowing him slay his own father and claim what he deems his birthright.  Meanwhile two American students come to Prejnar to do result on folklore in the residing area.  Michelle (Laura Mae Tate of Dead Space, Diggstown, I Love Trouble and California Myth) and Lillian (Michelle McBride of The Playroom, Masque of the Red Death and Prey of the Chameleon) meet up with fellow college roommate and local of Prejnar Mara (Irina Movila of Hotel de lux, Sundays on Leave, Dipolmatic Siege and Alone Verses Myself) had made arrangements to stay in the existing fort of Brașov Citadel Fortress. The caretaker Carl (Ivan J. Rado of Mask, The Puppet Master II and Mac and Me) retells the tale where a handful of monks and warriors is said to have held off the vampires until the king of the vampires was given the Bloodstone to pacify his hunger.  Thus creating a lasting peace of more than 300 years or so they thought.  The girls venture to Castle Vladislav in its ruins and take a few photos.  Lillian accidently cuts herself in a doorway and leaves a bit of her blood tempting poor Radu.  He tracks them back to the fort and stalks them in true creeper fashion.  

 The girls encounter Stephan (Freddy’s Nightmares, General Hospital, Deadly, Blackfellas, Midnight Man and Viper) a fellow scholar and traveler to this region and immediately gets goo goo eyes for Michelle and vice versa but in a subtle undertone.   Stephan makes his way to the castle as dawn approaches to combat his brother Radu.  *gasp* Another spoiler.  Stephan and Radu share the same father.  Would that mean that Stephan is a vampire as well?  

The film itself is shot around Transylvanian area Hunedoara, Brasov and Sinaia with extensive footage using fish eye lens and more anamorphic and yet recorded in mono for some reason.  The subspecies were originally to be stuntmen filmed via blue screen but Nicolaou felt they were being too hammy so he went stop animation and rod based puppets instead.  The village and graveyard scene was actually a re-enactment of the festival of the dead. This is also the first American film project in Romania.  A guilty pleasure to be had and yes boys there be boobies. 

Life in Fallout 3

Hey folks sorry for last week's lack of blog.  I was quite ill. I hope this will make up for it.

Now being a Fallout RPG turn based fan I was skeptical but Fallout 3 turned out to follow Fallout 2 (1997 and 1998 sequel to the original) in the same standing of being open ended with no time limit to speak of.  10 years had passed since Fallout 2 and we were promised by Interplay then Black Isle that we would see a Fallout 3.  Finally after buying the rights Bethesda Softworks brought us our FPS/skill-based/post-apocalyptic dream come true.   Rather than be in California as the two predecessors were, this takes place in the heart of democracy Washington D.C.  After 2077 it is now referred as the Capital Wasteland.  Our great monuments have collapsed, roads and freeways are devastated and no government or police are in control.  Might makes right. 

We start off the game with a series of cut scenes from your character’s birth and growing up in Vault 101.  An underground fallout shelter that is capable of housing 1,000 people.    I should note no matter your sex or skin color your father James is still white and voiced by none other than (Liam Neeson of Darkman, Love Actually, The Phantom Menace and Schindler’s List)  James is a scientist who believes in helping his fellow humanity as best as he can.   As you age you learn more about your relationship with your father and life in Vault 101.   Your mother dies delivering you in childbirth so you are raised solely by your father.  You grow up in spurts through cut scenes, little whispers throughout each aging process hints to events of the past and the present day.   James tells you as an infant a bible passage that reflects his life’s work in trying to better humanity.   At age ten you receive your own Pip-boy 3000.  This arm band computer interfaces with radio signals, tells you your health, points out radiation in your area and inventories your supplies you pick up during the game.   At age 16 you take your Generalized Occupation Aptitude Test or G.O.A.T. to help sum up what career you are best suited for in Vault life. You of course try to weasel your way out of it by faking a cold.  Best of luck with that when your father is the Vault’s chief physician.

 After breaking up a squabble or joining in on it, you take your test and proceed on to Age 19, to be awaken by your friend Amata to discover your father somehow left the Vault and the Overseer is furious.  The chief of the guards beat your father’s assistant Jonas to death.  A man you have known and respected your whole life.  You must choose to escape or be dealt the same.  Fending off radiation enlarged cockroaches and some of the vault security.   Save the ammo folks.  The ball bat does a pretty good job of defending yourself and it is, kill or be killed scenario. You make your way to and out of confides of the home you have known since you were a boy/girl and out into the unknown with nothing more than what you took with you.  Vault 101 is up the hill from a shambled town known as Springvale.  One lone resident silver is hiding out from a neighboring town called Megaton.   You will have to probe her for answers if you care to know.  Or be a brute, kill her and take everything she owns.   An elementary school is not far from Silver’s place is crawling with raiders.  If you are lacking in firepower or armor, my advice is get stocked before waging a fight with these lot.

Wandering out into the wasteland you will encounter raiders that prey on the helpless, Ghouls and Super Mutants, creatures that were once human now mindless monsters that terrorize the surrounding towns.     Meeting pockets of humanity and their plights it is up to you what sort of a person you are going to be.  Will you be a decent compassionate man/woman?   Will you turn into a heartless monster with no cares except your own interests?   Will you be passive to some and help to others that can pay you a wage?   The choice is yours.  Are you to be the savior the Capitol Wasteland or its destructor?   Will you be a hero or villain?  Only you can answer that.     The graphics engine that Bethesda Software developed is phenomenal.   The background, the colors from rusted metal to the rising and setting sun this game was awarded Game of the Year in 2008 and people are still raving about it and recommending it to friends.   Its Vault-Tec Assisted Targeting System or V.A.T.S. for short allows characters to train their weapons melee or firearms alike at points of vulnerability.  Ideal for the sniper character or if you just simply think it will take out your target faster.   An amazing voice cast with Liam Neeson and Malcom McDowell to name a few.  Sound captures the imagination so well.  Different outfits and armor can change the pitch of what shoes or boots you are wearing.  Guns and rifles are not a universal lumped effect GOTY allows modifications on everything from characters and armor to the quests and weapons.  I have also been able to play the PS3 console based game and the controls are a bit sensitive but you soon develop a rhythm.  

  A word of warning for those photophobic or seizure prone:  This is a real-time fasted paced game.  There will be a quick pitch in combat especially in V.A.T.S. as you see your character shoot, slash or bash your targets and it could very well be jaunting so my advice is to skip it if you suffer from either affliction.  That being said from the rest of you who are Fallout fans, DO NOT let this one slip through your fingers and enjoys the in-depth story arc and game.

A Nightmare on Remake Street

Hey folks what is more enjoyable than an original horror movie? Why, the remake of course.  Those are always delightful.  1, 2 Freddy’s coming for you. 3, 4 better lock your door. 5, 6 grab a crucifix. 7,8 stay up late. 9, 10 never sleep again.  This is A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Spoilers return from the dead...

Based on Wes Craven’s creation music video director Samuel Bayer (Green Day: Bullet in a Bible, Blink 182: Greatest Hits and Absolute Garbage) must have felt qualified to tackle this character of 20 years of terror and camp and breathe new life in it.   This film was literally shot for shot identical from its predecessor.  Writers Wesley Strick (Final Analysis, Wolf, The Saint and Doom) and Eric Heisserer (Stranger Adventures, The Thing 2011 version and Final Destination 5) hacked Craven’s simplistic creation and my blood went completely cold realizing director/producer Michael Bay (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Amityville Horror, Transformers and Friday the 13^th) felt the need to produce this wonderful magnum opus. 

Several teenagers in Springwood Ohio are having reoccurring dreams of a burnt man with a glove with blades attached to the fingers.   Going on the basis of the original concept of making Krueger a pedophile and dragging four kids to his Uncle Touchy’s Naked Puzzle Basement; several parents of these children that he abducted sought him out and burned him to death or did they?  Dun dun dun!!!

The story arc starts up its focus with Kris (Katie Cassidy of Click, Black Christmas, Taken, Harper’s Island and Gossip Girl) with her intense moments and emotions and blah blah blah.  A handful of teenagers Nancy (Rooney Mara of Urban Legends: Bloody Mary, Dream Boy, The Social Network and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) and Quentin (Kyle Gallner of Smallville, Veronica Mars, Jennifer’s Body, The Haunting in Connecticut and Red State) discover that memories where lashed together with nightmares.  In essence Freddy is just messing with their heads and admittedly the teens actually don’t even get to bother develop as an archetype of clichés and platitudes.  

A few points of the remake versus the original, the remake had a substantial budget, some great 35mm HD along with a bit of CGI and this version of Freddy is a bit more sadistic, intelligent and warped. The cinematography and the SFX is a vast improvement.    No zany puns and whacky comments. Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley of Little Children, Watchmen, Shutter Island and Dark Shadows) torments the kids with cruel slow and messier deaths.

Now the effects are a vast improvement of the lack of budget in the original, story is actually scarier but Bayer has never heard of tension or build-up and the proper execution of this.   Every scare is yet another series of timed jump scares that once you catch the rhythm it is predictable as fish on Friday.  Musical cues must have a button on standby to blat out on the film.  Nice try Bayer but no cigar.  I am not stating the original is genius but it was original and clever.  This isn’t.