Well the holiday of Christmas will be
rearing its head as Black Friday probably already had a kill and maim
count and yes I did not go out for that VERY REASON. Festive films a
plenty for the season. Some of these films are heartwarming, others
are campy but sweet and then some are Made for TV movies with so much
tripe cliches you will feel as though you have seen this film 20 to
30 times at length.
Can't imagine why Jake doesn't want to review flicks like mine.
So rather than breaking into some Frank
Capra, I am reminded of one Vampire franchise that I have been
neglecting for some time and that is the Subspecies series. Yes,
you may have many a question is to why I would choose the holly jolly
Christmas time to speak of abominations of nature that feed on the
living in order to continue existing... Well corporation Christmas
spending and such themes make it hard to enjoy Christmas at the
fullest so we will just have to press on and do our level best to get
the gifts, make the gifts and give thanks to those in our life that
matter deeply to us and not worry about getting a TV really cheap at
the expense of others' lives. Yeah Black Friday, I am not a fan.
I am touching base on this particular
series for about 3 reasons. One, really do not want to read more
comments on the Christmas themed Horror films and how could I watch
that and so on. Two, really am a wee bit tired of clay motion jolly
films I have seen to death so I want cut down on that for reviews and
three, my brain is so lagged from different projects I simply could
not come up with a thing for the week at all. I could have bugged
all of you readers for input but you may or may not get back to me
ASAP so this is what we got.
Hey all. Let’s get
back to trudging through sci-fi schlock shall we? And what better title to start us off then an
epic battle between giant mutated reptiles.
So gather in front the idiot box, pop some popcorn and throw out your
favorite MST3K reference. This is Boa
Vs Python.
Spoilers have become an
unprecedented size!
When getting the green light for this film; writers Sam Wells (Shark Hunter, Hyper Sonic, Rapid
Exchange, Epoch: Evolution and Phantom Force) and Bobby White (Ju-on: The Grudge, Tokyo Psycho, Captive
Factory Girls: The Violation, Tokyo Train Girls: Private Lessons and Tokyo
Train Girls 3: The Sensuous Nurse) bounced off the couch they had been
living on, mopped up their bong water and proceeded onto our episodic
story. I assume pot or mushrooms was
involved in this brilliant film idea. Director David Flores mustered all his
magnificence we saw in Lake Placid 2 to
present this phenomenal creation worthy of the finest cocktail napkin.
My main question is what suave, ruthless and cunning
individual pitched this flick to the executives to cut a check for this turkey
and how come he is not a political negotiator for the Middle East? I digress and on to the myth in the making.
Our credits open with
an orchestral number, credit titles that give it an almost Army of Darkness
feel and then the story opens with a wrestling match of two masked individuals
known as Boa and Python. You know in
case you forgot what you rented or DVRed.
Vast casino owner billionaire Broddick (Adam Palladino of The Drone
Virus, 29 Reasons to Run, Boston Girls and Stealing Roses) has been informed
his purchase of an 80 foot python has been snuck into the states and on an 18
wheeler heading his way. Happier than a
pig in poop, Broddick nibbles on his girl Eve (Angel Boris Reed of Warlock III:
The End of Innocence, Suicide Blonde, King’s Highway and Peak Experience)
unbeknownst to him but known to the writer of said sputum, the python wakes
from his tranq induced nap and is quite pissed. A fight ensues, less than realistic
explosion destroys the convoy (RUBBER DUCK NOOOOOOO!!!) and our reptile beats
feet which is a feat in of itself lacking legs.
This film is apparently a continuous of the said title Python as FBI agent Sharpe (Kirk
B.R. Woller of Swordfish, Minority Report, Poseidon and Resident Evil:
Extinction) is sent in to investigate the FUBAR of the road, assesses
the situation and clearly he needs…a herpetologist (expert on amphibians and reptiles)
Dr. Emmett (David Hewlett of Cube, Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis, Splice and
Rise of the Planet of the Apes) and Marine biologist Monica Bonds (Jaime
Bergman of Any Given Sunday, Son of the Beach, Gone in 60 Seconds and Angel)
to track the python and destroy it with what you ask? Why a genetically enhanced boa constrictor
named Betty which is tagged and fitted with a tracking device to insure safe
proceedings. Yes, there is no recipe for
disaster there.
Let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we? The CGFX looks like it is not finished
painting the creatures, the reactions to the awesome monsters in question by
their human actors feels forced and the whole film itself feels over the top
and over amped to cash in on the moderate popularity of its predecessor Python. A must for bad movie night, this film can be
enjoyed around company, chips and a cold one.
Okay readers I am back again with another TV series that
went well before its time but nevertheless receive the love from yours
truly. I need you to sit back in your
seat, put your tray tables in their up lock position. This is Firefly.
Gorrahm spoilers in my
space…
Show creator
Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Dollhouse and The Avengers)
embarked on a TV quest to make the encompass of both past and future and prep
it for the present folk kick back and enjoy.
Firefly was in essence Wagon Train in Space. Put on the air in 2002 (Yes 10 years ago…ooOoOoO
ancient.) The Earth as we knew it grew full of Homo sapiens and we began
colonization into other worlds such as terraforming (creating an environment artificially for oxygen and nitrogen atmosphere
for human life) and the more “civilized planets or core worlds as they were
called are part of a large conglomerate of civic minded citizens called the
Alliance. The planets that had more of a
rustic nature, almost a throwback to Steam Age were simple known as
Independents. Hard working people that had no desire of joining a universal government
that told them how to live their lives instigated a civil war spanning across
the universe and all neighboring planets.
After many years of this
conflict the Alliance won and the Independents were crushed.
Enter a band of thieves and smugglers sneaking
contraband on the down low is the crew of the Serenity, firefly class cargo
vessel. Captain Malcolm Reynolds (Nathan
FIllion of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Miss Match, Slither, Dr. Horrible’s
Sing-along and Castle), First mate Zoe (Gina Torres of Hercules: The
Legendary Journeys, Cleopatra 2525, Angel and Suits), gunfighter Jayne
Cobb (Adam Baldwin of Independence Day, Stargate SG-1, Angel, The Inside and
Chuck), goofy but amazing pilot Hoban ’Wash’ Washburne (Alan
Tudyk of A Knight’s Tale, I, Robot, Ice Age, Young Justice and Tucker and Dale
vs Evil) and sweet, innocent mechanic Kaylee (Jewel Staite of Flash Forward,
Just Deal, Wonderfalls and Stargate Atlantis). Barely escaping Alliance
custody with their ill-gotten gains; the crew is underpaid, tired and ship is
running on fumes. The scams, hustles and
usual snow jobs pay better than honest cargo hauling but are just as equally
risky. The crew has no option but to
pick up passengers that want to see the galaxy for a reasonable fee.
Upon getting
new passengers we see a loosely based member of the crew, companion Inara Serra
(Morena
Baccarin of Justice League Unlimited, Stargate SG-1, V, Homeland and Old Days)
a lady of refinement but also of solicitation.
The good but enigmatic Shepherd Book (Ron Glassof Barney Miller, The
New Odd Couple, Rhythm & Blues and Teen Angel) Doctor Simon Tam (Sean
Maher of Party of Five, The $treet, The Playboy Club and Make It or Break it)
has smuggled his brilliant sister, River Tam (Summer Glau of Angel, The 4400,
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Dollhouse, The Cape and Alphas)
away from an Alliance secret project so this just increases the stakes.
Whedon and
crew referred to Serenity as the 10th character of the show and in
many ways this massive set fits the bill.
Dirty, rusty and falling apart, this old girl has plenty of charisma but
looks like a mild popcorn fart would tear it to shreds. Yet as a vessel this was really a home for
lost souls seeking a sense of belonging and peace. But out on the rim lurks pirates, slavers
and the worse of all, reavers. Men and women
had gone cannibalistic. So keep a hogleg
handy, yer wits about you and you’ll make it through the day. Oh best part of this storyline is the mixture
of American and Chinese culture. Even if
you have the IQ of a nerf herder you can speak Mandarin.
Hey kids back again with another comic book movie and I can
tell how much you will be thrilled and overwhelmed with joy as I crack open the
shell of this flick. So grab your silver
nitrate and garlic and practice your most menacing glare. This is Blade Trinity.
Spoilers are born
ready, mother*&ker!
Yes I am touching base with creation of
writer/director/producer David Goyer
(Batman
Begins, Blade, Blade II, The Dark Knight, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance and
The Dark Knight Rises) who felt while by Stephen Norrington (Alien
3, Blade and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) and Guillermo del
Toro (Kronos, Devil’s Backbone, Blade II, Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth and
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army) did what he described as a fair job with
his scripts, Goyer felt that something was missing from each of the
predecessors and took it upon himself to finish the trilogy. I am not saying the outcome is pure Ed Wood
but…well here are some highlights.
Keeping with the comic book anti-hero theme based on Marv
Wolfman’s character, Blade is up to his usual shenanigans i.e. lack of
stealth. Guy would not know subtle if
it crept up on him and bit him in the ass.
Our story opens in the Syrian Desert allegedly just before Iraq lies the
Tomb of Dracula (Boy that would make a great title for a comic) and about 5 low
level vamps unearth him and convince him to do away Blade (Wesley Snipes of Passenger 57,
Demolition Man, Blade, Blade II, and The Art of War) who half way
around the world is torching a warehouse, laying to waste the undead and
sneering all the way he does it. Man I
do dig the coat though. This of course
leads to a high speed chase in what looks like the FDR tunnel but in actuality are
the tunnels of Montreal. Yes Canada,
imitating the U.S. since 1920 Prohibition.
From bikes to the ’68 Charger our beloved daywalker streaks the road
with ash ridden corpses and one accidental human death as he realizes he was
framed for manslaughter. Whoops, his
goof. Sending the F.B.I. to his doorstep
Blade and Whistler are attacked and Whistler (Kris Kristofferson of Convoy, A
Star is Born, Knights, Blade and Blade II)is caught in his own self
destruct blast leaving Blade captured by the feds. Left to the vampires pulling the strings
behind the humans, Blade looks finished but is in fact saved by a cell of
vampire hunters, Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds of Van Wilder, Foolproof,
Smokin’ Aces and X-Men Origins: Wolverine) and Abigail Whistler (Jessica
Biel of Seventh Heaven, Summer Catch, Celluar, Stealth, and The A-Team).
Dracula
a.k.a. Drake (Dominic Purcell of Mission: Impossible II, Equilibrium and Prison Break)
decides his children of the night got soft, lazy and foolish and decides to
embrace the challenge that is the daywalker.
Goyer establishes Dracula as the Adam of Vampires the very source but
goes back to the Babylonian timelines linking him to Lovercraft elder gods such
as Dagon. An interesting spin but
nevertheless the hardcore Marvel fans have issues with this one more so than
the first two and here are some of those reasons: Hannibal King in the comics was an undead
P.I. Think Mick St. John from
Moonlight. Yes, a vampire trying to hold
onto humanity by still beating the pavement playing shamus without relying on
vampire traits too much. Tomb of
Dracula issues also state Dracula was Vlad Tempus made vampire and not the progenitor
but because he held the title “Lord of the Vampires” from his predecessor he
can shape shift, come back from ash and even tango with ease. While I felt Reynold’s one liners were
getting a bit tiresome and Snipes really needed to smile every now and then it
wasn’t a bad flick. Just think it could
have used a bit more meshing from the previous source material.
Alright back again with an award winning film that touched
the hearts of millions and filled songs deep within their souls…oh wait I am
reviewing another vampire movie.
Crap. Well strap in kiddies
because this bronco will do more than buck.
It will probably stomp a new mud hole in you.
Spoiler Alert! There will be critiquing and outright scene
explanation as well as bashing of said movie
Now before I bring the hot pokers to this movie, let me be
clear in saying I love Sid Haig and Ken Foree.
Sid Haig made his bones with
TV shows such as Gunsmoke, Get Smart and
even a few Mission Impossible episodes.
The first film I saw him in was Coffy
starring Pam Grier. He was playing
this sick cat named Omar and just a vicious but calm mother. You younger viewers know him better as Captain Spaulding of House of a Thousand
Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects. Ken Foree on the other hand starred in
the original Dawn of the Dead as
Peter and later as the Reverend in the 2004 remake. I have seen him in TV as far back as a Hunter
episode but my favorite character of his is the ground pounding PFC (Private First Class) Large from
Babylon 5. Smoking a cigar in a
barrack that isn’t even his and telling his rookie bunkmate war stories. Hell, Victoria
Pratt from Cleopatra 2525 and Mutant
X is in this so what could go wrong?
Sigh.
Well enough back pedaling, here we go. Directors/Writers Michael Roesch and Peter
Scheerer co-wrote and directed Alone in
the Dark 2 and House of the Dead 2) brings us this festive little romp. We encounter our band of vampire hunters and
it would seem not all is well as one of them is bound in chains; the other tied
to a chair getting slapped around for information by vampires. Maybe they are on the set of the last Bruno
Mattei’s Woman in Chains flicks. Always
be concerned when your flick has vamp fangs made of wax and not veneer jobs
instead. The sound quality seems to be
off or maybe it was just the DVD copy I had rented but I swear the actors do
not sound like they are miked at all.
Our fearless vampire huntress has a heated discussion with one of the
lead vamps as she picks her locks. Hmm
heightened senses must be off. Sid Haig, a.k.a. Lord Pashek takes conference
with his right hand man Fork. Yeah I
kid you not. Fork is his name. A
wandering nit wit human stumbles on an ancient burial ground in Romania and
gets scraped by an ancient vampire corpse and is infused with Satan!!! HUH?!
Oh and the accents that are attempted are to die for. I heard so many half assed European attempts
it was just painful after a while.
This film is interspersed with scenes not being in a sense
of chronological order. The story is
laid out as a series of flashbacks from L.A. to Romania to San Pedro to L.A.
and a rough narrative overshadowing the story and trying to bring everything
tied in. Nicely done but this HD DVD
hand held steady cam; while great for those tight zoom shots and able to whip
back and forth from character to character just does not give it a good 35MM
feel and hey this is coming from a guy that remembers Super 8 films. Maybe they were going for a Pulp Fiction/
Less Than Zero feel. The HD gives it an updated home movie look and
while the picture is crystal clear it feels like their budget could not be
strained at all.
Our fearless vampire killers…say that would make a great…oh
crap already been done. Ahem our courageous
vampire hunters sound off! Carrie!
(Victoria Pratt) Keaton! (Jason Connery) Jill! (Rachel Grant of Die Another Day and The Tournament) I was slightly disturbed the vampire hunters
chained Ken Foree to a table and not because the effects showed them cutting
off circulation or the chains had crosses and holy water placed on it. Nah it just felt like some avant-garde
bondage performance art piece that no one gets. Actually I have yet another spoiler here for
you all. Foree spends most of his scenes
strapped down. They find out with a
little bit of torture that the vamps are terrified that Satan has taken human
form and now roams the Earth but they call him Vlad Kosay and the greatest
trick Vlad ever did was to prove he didn’t exist. If the sets weren’t so minimum and poorly
lit…well who am I kidding? It would
still suck. I never saw so much fog in
a flick outside the Fog. The narrative is unnecessary, the pace is slow and the
performance is barely memorable. Our
action scenes were sketchy at best and the gore or violence was tame. Move on gentle readers. This is a turd in
your cereal bowl.
