Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood

Welcome to the new week. Well it took some doing and perusing but I finally found a copy of a sequel several fans were asking me to find. For those that don't want to read YET ANOTHER horror sequel, well make some suggestions please. For everybody else, the wait is finally over. Yes the demand for more Stephanie Beaton is on and we will see how this goes. We are to embark on another Witchcraft film. This is Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood.

Satan demands you motorboat me.

As many of you will recall, Lucy Lutz (Stephanie Beaton of Wicthcraft IX: Bitter Flesh, Zombie Gang Bangers, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, Monster in My Car, Eyes of the Werewolf, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood and A Passion) was in London and asked by Bureau 17 to join up along with Agent Celeste after the big vampire and Satanists showdown and...well I don't think that plot line is going to connect here.   But hey! Garner's back! Lutz's partner Garner (Mikul Robins of Teen Wolf, Frogtown II, Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh, Sexual Chemistry, Dark Secrets, My Haunted House and Opus of an Angel) are going to be busy busy as Will Spanner, Warlock and Lawyer Extraordinaire has returned!

Dayum, girl you lost...well any sex appeal.

 

Going on his fifth regeneration (yes that was a timelord reference) Will (James Servais of Scanner Cop, To the Ends of Time, Erotic Confessions, Madam Savant, V-World Matrix, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood and Dog Story) is still with Kelly (Wendy Blair of The West Wing and Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood) and for some continuity issue, um they are still engaged. Yeah this engagement has been going on forsix years. Dude commit already.   Director/writer Ron Ford (The Mark of Dracula, Alien Agenda: Endangered Species. Riddled with Bullets, Deadly Tales, A Passion to Kill and Deadly Scavengers) brings us back to the roots of Witchcraft, meaning there are actually witches again and yes they will try to seduce Will to the dark side and...maybe we need something new. Our movie revolves around Kelly's sister (yup didn't know she had one either) and her college shenanigans. Probably mostly beer bongs, bisexuality and learning magic, because every college girl has the Willow from Buffy experience...if it is written by a horny, basement dwelling perv and not Joss Whedon.

So Kelly's sister Colleen (Miranda Odell of Sweet Evil 2: Sapphire and Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood) is absorbed in the Scottish play Macbeth. Her director looks like the master from Manos: The Hands of Fate and her co-stars Maria (Lauren Ian Richards of Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood) and Keri (Kathleen St. Lawrence of Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood) want to do spells in a graveyard with a grimoire. This is somehow good for the play. WHAT?!!! How is dabbling in the black arts and I assume blood magic going by the title going to prepare you for a role in Shakespeare?! So if this was Hamlet, would they have committed incest and killed their fathers to be with their mothers???!!! Is it bad to point out that the play is happening in a Catholic college?

Well at least it ain't vampires this time, Lutz.

So our dabblers are only going to raise three witch sisters from THE DEAD!!! Yup totally reasonable and clearly something that looks good on a college transcript. Says here you're a people person, you can do Spreadsheet and you raise the dead. You're hired!... somewhere else.

So if they conjure up these dead broads they can open a gateway to Hell. Again, Catholic girls are a bit scary. A further addendum, Colleen points out how she and Kelly had fire and brimstone sermons drummed in their heads for years and this is why Kelly rebelled, fell in love with a man foretold to lead all evil on the planet and is a master warlock and...wait a minute. Is this getting goofy? 

 Naturally our night foray into the dark arts requires the girls to be topless. Must be a key ingredient for black magic or possibly banking on T &A selling this flick. Naaaah, I'm clearly just jealous I don't write this well.  Maria is taken over by one of the sisters and gacks a moron teenage horndog so no loss there.

My polo shirt protects me from your sorcerous ways!

 Once again Satan gets typecast as the corrupter of youth and the spoilers of virgins. Oh and they are supposed to open a hell gate for Abaddon. Um isn't that the Angel of Death? I admit my CDC is a bit rusty but according to Hebrew texts, Abaddon is the Angel of the Abyss. Of course New Testament also establish Abaddon as another name for Jesus after the resurrection so I am all sorts of confused on this dogma.

Enough about boobs! Where's Lutz and Garner? Surely evil is afoot! Two of the college horndogs tell Lutz and Garner that they were ogling the topless trio and then Jay got killed. So our dynamic duo go to work. Also Garner is a sexist pig now.  Um character development I guess?  Seriously, Lutz looks like she is inches away from smoking this little piggy.  They happen to bump into Will and Kelly as they passed through the very same graveyard that is technically a CRIME SCENE and not taped off. Well I don't blame Lutz and Garner, probably lazy ass unis not doing their job.

Will states he doesn't sense any dark powers and he seems to be okay with magic again. Just need some consistency dude. And then he whips around to Kelly after our cops leave and tells her there are dark forces at play. Bro, that particular twosome are gonna be pissed you just lied to them. The hell brah? Will wants to get to Colleen before the coven has taken her over, released the demon Abaddon and open a hell gate. But don't worry, male readers. There's boobs. Yes that oh so important deciding factor YOU ALWAYS ask me about. Lady readers, well you know I didn't write, direct or film any of this. I can only apologize for boobs so many times.

Okay the creature effects, the wraith like witches is actually good. The energy beams from eyes however, yeah not so good. Glad to see Lutz and Garner back but still not a lot for them to do. Current Will is lacking in real charisma, the fights are kind of impressive and once again a coven or sect of warlocks is trying to turn him to the dark side. IT DOESN'T WORK!!! Will's left a trail of bodies of those that have tried and failed ultimately so stop trying to entice him. Between offers of booty, power and enough witchy orgy badness he can digest, Will has been loyal to Kelly through and through. Face it!   He's not going to lead your armies of darkness and shroud the world in endless night or whatever the script wants this time.

Stephanie's Lutz is a hard nosed bad ass cop again, guns blazing and getting into danger. I wonder how many shots fired forms they fill out each movie.  Garner is taking her lead and he is still questioning if magic is real??? DUDE!   You have fought satanists, vampires and now witnessing a demon coming up from out of the ground.   Even Scully is saying, "Duh dumbass."

So overall the acting is fair, the witches three are well topless for a lot of it. Sex scenes fly by quickly and the sound quality was a vast improvement over ten. Will is constantly being tempted to his darker nature. Shouldn't one of these sect leaders just invite him for tea and open a dialogue instead of throwing magic floozies at him all the time? Not the greatest follow-up but I was glad that Garner and Will managed to make it back in and no vampires this time.

Oh you didn't just say that to Garner, Will!

Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft

Hey gang I'm back again. So with the more than positive responses to Stephanie Beaton and her films, I was looking high and low for another one. Heck if the actress herself doesn't think this writing is a complete dumpster fire, I might as well keep going. So I did make mention of going further into her sequels to beloved cult classic franchise and yeah some have been utterly screwy. This time around we change location as Lutz (Stephanie Beaton) has been whisked away to Jolly Ol' England (Yes everyone across the pond probably hate that term) and must do battle with vampires...again.  This is Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft.

Be honest, do you like my Sailor Mercury outfit?

Dumb horny guys try to pick up women vastly more than they and looking to get lucky. Fellas, your dangers senses should be kicking in. This club is packed and there are bound to be better looking guys than either of you. Led to a stairwell and the women turn out to be vampires. When they are trying to drain the guys, they're making out with each other. This feels like how a horny fan boy thinks bisexuality works.

Okay for the fans of this series, a few notations. 1) No Will Spanner. Yup everyone's favorite warlock/attorney/occult expert is not in this one. 2) Lucy Lutz (Stephanie Beaton of Wicthcraft IX: Bitter Flesh, Zombie Gang Bangers, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, Monster in My Car, Eyes of the Werewolf, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood and A Passion) is on the trail of a madman sorcerer hell bent on ruling the world and he likes killing people. 3) Lastly, no Detective Garner so Lutz is on her own.

Steve was found lightly groped to death.  Poor bastard.

This mad sorcerer is Hyde (Kerry Knowlton of Exposed! Pro Wrestling's Greatest Secrets, Immortal Combat and Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft) is being held by Bureau 17, a division of Interpol that deals with supernatural and preternatural effects, scenarios and creatures.

Now with those comments out of the way, welcome to London as Lucy Lutz has to deal with Interpol over an evil and cruel practitioner of magic she is suppose to extradite back to the states so he can face his crimes and probably the death penalty. I'm hoping for the wet maritime rope whipping scenario from Casino Royale. By the way, Lutz has about two bags packed. She's supposed to be there for maybe a couple of days. Agent Dixon (Sean Harry of Virtual Terror, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, Those Video Guys and Talking Who) has been assigned to Detective Lutz and the two try to bond while he's driving her. HOWEVER, the audio quality is AWFUL. Yeah I had to put headphones on just to hear it better. I don't think the music portion was added at the same time as the dialogue and it is mixed poorly. The music is dominating the scenes. Hence the headphones. Outdoor audio not fully fading so it just pops and then back to the next scene. I will have your spleen, audio editor!

The main focus of the movie is Agent Celeste Sheridan (Wendy Cooper of Breeders, Witchcraft X; Mistress of the Craft, 24 Hours in London, Blood, Bodywork, Warrior Sisters and The Rain Has Stopped) has other worldly powers. Not sure if this is from another dimension, aliens or possibly an avatar of an ancient god. She also goes through a transformation not unlike Sailor Moon aaaand she's a cop. Well that's not confusing at all. Witch Cop! Agent Sorceress! Meh, this joke going nowhere.

A cadre of bisexual vampire vixens led by Raven (Eileen Daily of Razor Blade Smile, Sacred Flesh, Cradle of Fear, Kannibal, Sentinels of Darkness, Machines of Love and Hate, Evil Calls: The Raven and Albion Rising)head into the precinct, attack several of the agents and take Hyde. Maybe omnisexual vampires is more accurate. The greatest loss of them all, Steve. Uh the front desk guy. The lynch pin, the glue that held Bureau 17 together... yeah okay he really wasn't that important but dammit someone needs to mourn Steve. I think.

No Lutz, no. That's how Steve always wanted to go out.

Now once again I warm my pimp slap hand when the writer makes Lutz suddenly startled and confused that the supernatural exists. She claims to have been chasing Hyde, sees dead cultists and alleged vampire attacks. Um she's already dealt with this with cultists and vampires prior. C'mon writer, either watch the previous movie to borrow elements from it or get the screenplay.

Continuity, dammit. Just let's not make Lutz forget all she has already learned.

Director/writer/producer Elisar Cabrera (Demonsoul, Virtual Horror, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, FWA British Uprising and Those Video Guys) made Lutz a secondary character in this to showcase Celeste more.

Raven wants Hyde to bring about a demon, god or possibly a being over an outside realm. Did I mention some of this is hard to hear? Only Hyde has the ability to read this ancient tomb about the Walpurgis (or Valpurgis) ritual to give Raven UNLIMTED POWER!!! Y'know, that old chestnut. Now given this guy is a wrestler, the dialogue isn't so far fetched for his overacting but wow. That tank top he is wearing just not flattering. The cut of it makes it look like the guy has a beer and a shot belly.

Senpai, NOTICE MEEEEE!!!!!

Celeste seems to have telekinesis, power bolts and think some flight. Her...fighting capabilities is well a bit of sword fighting and some fisticuffs. Though her telekinetic powers seems to lift Just Juice. And English, what in the nine hells is Fairy Liquid?   Guessing a dish washing liquid or a creamer? Meh, I'll look it up later.

Dixon and Lutz got close quickly after the first vampire attack as they had each others' back. So I guess that means have a hot bath and a shag. Hmm what happens in London, stays in London? Just she didn't want to stay in her hotel room? Hey not going to judge the lady, I was just curious.

Hyde and Raven do chew up quite a bit of the scenery between them, leaving walls sparse. 

 

Even for an Indie Horror movie, scenes dissolve real quick, the editing feels abrupt, the audio quality is choppy and there are several scenes not cut properly. FX is fair, the verbal sparring between Raven and Celeste is on par with a superhero flick, so that's nothing bad. Just wanted to see more of Lutz as she is already a bad ass character and given she is the only one that ties the original series, I was hoping she had lead on this.

Eileen Daily is clearly having fun with her role as lead vampiress and I love how NO ONE questions Celeste's vinyl Sailor Moon like outfit and stiletto heels. Here at Bureau 17 we are a bit lax with dress code, old bean.

Good staking scenes and no one-liners? Here's yer stake dinner! Got wood? Start your own branch! Guess you won't be pining for Valpuris! Okay so maybe not a one-liner then.

Well the full skinny, finally out of California, decent enough story ideas without the full range of technical know how. Needs more than one camera and understanding of blocking and firing the tone deaf audio editor. Beaton is enjoying herself and gets a lot more to do. Vampire slaying for example! Hell if she never wanted to go back to Cali, Bureau 17 has more than a few openings, thanks to vamps. The root of all evil. Yes, got one more in.

Vamp nibbling...apparently. Whatever.

Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh

Okie dokie, we have fan requests for more Stephanie Beaton. So I will be dabbling into a series I have not watched in some time. We are diving into the Witchcraft franchise. I will bring you up to speed. Will Spanner (Charles Solomon Jr., Marklen Kennedy and David Byrnes) is a warlock/lawyer/amateur occult specialist. Destined to be a terror similar to Damien Hellstrom from Marvel Comics, a world of evil awaits one day for him to turn. So he is on the third regeneration (yes they have gone through a few Wills) and was killed during the hammiest of vampire clans and he died...or did he?  The reoccurring cops Lutz and Garner keep somehow forget that magic and the supernatural occur.   Or their current writer forgets. This is Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh.

Psst, hey rookie. Lutz has great legs, right?

Our title cards are a bit different from the last time and company as Troma has taken over for production. Hmm, that mean there's going to be more than a few sex scenes? Yeah does scream 80s porno but lacks the bluesy saxophone or synthesizer. We open with a pretentious art gallery with wine free flowing and no smoking??  Must be California. With two bodies on the ground and maybe the cops ought to be notified.  Oh and Troma fans, there. I have reviewed a Troma movie so nyah. Almost 4 minutes of title sequence. AHHHH!!!!

Now Lutz and Garner were previously Kurt Alan and John E. Holiday, however we have a different Garner and we have the previous Lutz replaced by his sister Lucy (Alisa Christensen and now Stephanie Beaton). Now my only complaint with this Lutz and Garner(Mikul Robins of Teen Wolf, Frogtown II, V-World Matrix, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood, and The Craven Cove Murders) becoming doubters and have to recap the notion they have worked with Will before. That and Will being a lawyer somehow means he's a P.I.   Yeah more than a few hiccups. This dude would be so disbarred. Anywho, the film prior to this has nothing to do with the series continuation overall, so enough of that. No I mean it. It was about a haunted house, sex starved coven and a rival warlock.  It's been a bit garbled.

Police? I've got a warlock masturbating outside my window. Again.

Lutz and Garner are at the crime scene for a double homicide and are fairly calm there's only one body quite dead. Will tries to talk to them but he is out of his skull. By that ,I mean he is a spirit and must find someone to communicate that. We get some flashback sequences or as I like to call it Will's Slideshow. Footage of the previous flicks and up to his demise. If only someone could assist him.

Naturally you'd think a prostitute like Sheila (Landon Hall of Stolen Hearts, Different Strokes, Black Thunder, Forbidden Passions, The Escort III and Hotel Exotica) is Will's medium. Hey, beats Whoopi anyday. With a quick exposition dump, it is revealed that Sheila had a near death experience and now she hears dead people.

Will's fiancee Keli is quite upset that Will hasn't called or gotten in touch with her. At least those were lines she delivered. Suffice to say, Leah Kourtne Ballantine doesn't exactly give a great performance. Her third film but the vibe of this execution is...she looks extremely sleepy. The way she dispatching lines feels lackluster in their apartment in spite of having a house together in two films prior. Yeah I don't know either. No follow-up to what happened with that too. Will does quite a bit of wandering and for some reason a streetwalker out and about is Stephanie Beaton. Is Lutz working with Vice? Yeah I am all sorts of confused. Maybe B roll footage to pad the film. Hell I've got no clue.

Oh the hell with Hepburn and Tracy. These two capture the screen.

Lutz and Garner are hot on the case and well is it wrong for me like Stephanie Beaton in these short pencil skirts? Sorry ladies, I am normally behaved but she has amazing legs. Okay moving on, he said holding on to the pathetic shreds of dignity.

So this time around it is not competing warlocks, vampires or witches but we do have ritual killings for the sake of the Egyptian god...well I think it's for Ra as we have his symbol scrawled in blood. Yeah not really clear on that. 1/4 of this movie is sex scenes. Yup suddenly the mildly boobage series has gone straight soft core Skinamax. I mean it's going to happen if you need men to rent this flick. Toss boobs at them and they are happy guys. Plot? Meh, rather have boobs thanks. Apologies, the blood letting is happening for Kafu Hu. Umm that's not a god or demon. That's the name of a long dead pharaoh. Oh my God, he's summoning Hawkman. So the whole Satan plot thing got dropped as well. Yeah I do understand how folks have gotten confused about this series.

Also for some reason Will's body is inhabited by another spirit plowing his girlfriend. Annnd he grew longer hair and a goatee. Since he died. Huh, death is screwy, huh? So a multitude of sex scenes and Will might, just might get back to his body. This of course is assuming Sheila's off the clock. Will and Sheila banter, I think. Well it seems like good natured ribbing but it falls a bit flat.

Lutz and Garner find sacrifices with same Egyptian blood scrawling and it's the strangest thing they've ever encountered. With the exception of a coven of witches and a cadre of vampires prior. They come to the conclusion it's time to find an expert on these Egyptian symbols. Enter Professor Shannon (Katherine Hudson of Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh andMasseuse) who sheds a little light on the case. Which she really didn't. She explains about a cult founded with this pharoah and Satan and bleh! Writer, go back to the source material and then work your own plot but for crying out loud look at the stuff already done.

Sheila tries to convince Garner that she is speaking on the behalf of Will and well she forgot to mention Will's dead, and there are cultists again, hearts being carved out. Basically, EVERYTHING WILL ASKED HER TO DO!!!!

The confusing problem with this film isn't the rewrite back into Will returning from the great beyond is so much as camera angles not matching up, dissolves that don't link to the next scene and frankly I think the editor isn't doing his job. David Byrnes' performance isn't bad but it is damn confusing when the scenes don't mesh. Stephanie's Lutz is trying to genuinely get work done but her captain goes into his office after one scene and smokes. Yup. Cases closed. Hearts cut out from the bodies? Clearly suicide and I can't hear your complaints in flavor country.

She and Robins have some decent scenes but the hack of an editor was either drunk, in Union, on breaks or just flat out incompetent. Hey maybe it wasn't his fault. Regardless the ADR is awful in sex scenes. Dude porn has better ADR than this flick. The plot holes are substantial, a bit of exposition establishes Will lost his house and had to move...after he died. Whoops.

Looks like I am going to have to watch Witchcraft X if I want to actually get to see Stephanie Beaton shine. We'll see if I can find that.

Garner, where you looking at my butt?

Linda Blair Week: Witchery

Welcome back for Day 4 of Linda Blair Week. Y'know, I had my heart set on reviewing Chained Heat but good taste did prevail as I was informed of today's film which I only knew by its alternative title. Many moons ago, when the Earth was young and yuppies, cocaine and health nuts were abundant, there came a film like no other. A film that would dare to NOT star a Van Patten but indeed they would bring to the big screen, Michael "David Hasselhoff" Knight, Linda Blair and Grandma Ruth of Basket Case 2 and 3. Such was not dare dreamed of. This is Witchery a.k.a. Ghosthouse 2 a.k.a. Evil Encounters a.k.a. The Haunted House a.k.a. Witchcraft: Return of the Exorcist a.k.a. Hexenbrut.

Blair beside herself.  Mirroring emotions.  Okay, I'll stop.

Boy, it has been a while (cue Aaron Lewis Staind tune!) since we have had a multiple alternative title movie. I knew this film under Ghosthouse 2 wondering why this was nothing like Umberto Lenzi's creeper film at all. It didn't even feel like a continuation. Now I know and knowing is half the battle. BLARF! Ahem, moving on... our feature film of the day has a wayward group of folks trapped on a Massachusetts island due to a massive storm front and their only recourse is to make their way into the abandoned haunted hotel for shelter. Folks, it's called a lean to. Google it then build it. You'll thank me.

The movie opens with an angry mob of five pig farmers brandishing a few pitchforks yet no torches as they chase a terrified pregnant woman across the moors. As the mob continues the hunt for said pregnant lady, she is pursued by disgruntled village people( Yyyyy...MCA!! ) she making her way to the hotel, seeing no escape she hurls herself out a window as was clearly her only option.

As if some prophetic dream, Jane (Linda Blair of Bad Blood, The Chilling, Dead Sleep, Zapped Again!, Calender Girl, Cop Kill? The Bambi Bembenek Story, Double Blast and Skins) wakes in a cold sweat as she is pregnant, creeped out and in general not having a good night. Without any further explaination, we cut to Leslie (Leslie Cumming of Zombie 5: Killing Birds and Witchery) and her boyfriend Gary (David Hasselhoff of Semi-Tough, Terror at London Bridge, Knight Rider, Baywatch, Avalanche, Nick Fury: Agent of Shield and Anaconda: The Offspring) are staying at the abandoned hotel so Leslie can write a book about witchcraft, the Hoff is taking snapshots of the house, the island and a bizarre light that happens at particular times of the day that looks suspiciously like a lens flare but I'm not passing judgement. A plot point clearly needed is Leslie is a virgin. We know this because Gary likes haphazardly dropping it into conversation and sounds disgruntled for not getting laid. For shame Hoff, for shame.

Tellin' ya, Baywatch Nights is easy money.

The fisherman that brought Jane, brother Tommy and her parents looking to buy the hotel of darkness appears to have disappeared via lens flare into a cheap prism pendant. Though our lady in black played by Hildegard Knef (The Murderers Are Among Us, The Snows of Kilmanjaro, Decision Before Dawn and Fedora) is genuinely creepy giving you the John Carradine creeper stare. The pace is a tad slow, our gore scenes are fairly creepy and over all the exposition does give the back story.

People are tossed into another dimension kind of like Silent Hill only it looks like a blood caked Doctor Who time tunnel. Day for night shots, back lit actors and lots of masonry shots are confusing as hell. Three doors to Hell seem to be found randomly in rooms and to be honest, you would think one door would be enough. There seems to be a black mass/witchcraft theme going and Leslie mumbles her dissertation but also not really explained so I am confused.

Starring Tom Baker...

Realtor boy and Architect girl or Tony(Frank Cammarata of Witchery) and Linda (Catherine Hickland of Loving, Ghost Town, Witchery, Taxi Killer, One Life to Live andThe City), if you prefer comes off as bland people crafted solely for being gacked but that's not their fault as they were poorly conceived.

Will they ever escape the island??? Will creeper Lady in Black do them all in???

The music score sounded familiar and turns out composer Carlo Maria Cordio (Pieces, Cave Dwellers, Endgame- Bronx lotta finale, Hell Behind the Bars, Iron Warrior, Zombie 5: Killing Birds, Touch of Death and Witchery) covering us with his guitar and synthesizer goodness.   Hmm that may have sounded a tad pornographic.

Our director also brought audiences the unfortunate and unofficial sequel to the Troll movies called Crawlers, which not unlike Troll 2 has nothing to do with Trolls. Confused, choppy editing and more gore than story, Linda does her level best to make this a watchable film.  Stay for the gore and get a story. Not bad but could use a bit more polish.

Santa?  SANTA!!??!!

Obscure Italian Horror: Beyond Darkness

Hey gang! Yeah I'm back for more Obscure Italian Horror movies. Say, what is more odd than a Lucio Fulchi movie? Well anything created solely by writer/director Claudio Fragasso (Monster Dog, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2, After Death, Troll 2 and The Squad). Claudio is responsible for several Bruno Mattei films via "writing". Bringing such goofiness as Hell of the Living Dead, Guardian of Hell, Women's Prison Massacre, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, Double Target, Robowar, Cop Game, Zombi 3 and Shocking Dark has been most of the knock offs that Horror, Action and Sci-fi has flooded the market for more than 30 years.

Our odd creation today is deemed an unofficial sequel due to mass distribution of a series of every five years to having translation errors that often occur. With the titles of Ghosthouse 2, Evil Dead 5, House 5 and Horror House II, it actually is no wonder most people cannot find this even at Wal-Mart. The most common official title of our movie is found in Amazon so by God let's go with that.  This is Beyond Darkness.

Kids, stop playing with dark forces and go take your baths.

First off, IMDB's synopsis is crap as our minister turns out to be a priest so already huge separation between Catholic and Protestant faith. Secondly, since when does a priest have a family?? Yup I was a trifle baffled at this. Father George (David Brandon of She, Cave Dwellers a.k.a. The Blade Master, The Lost City, Warrior Queen, Eleven Days, Eleven Nights and The Maharaja's Daughter) gives the last rites to a serial child killer and attends her execution. She claims to have devoured their souls and thus giving her power over the world. Her wacky Satanic bible apparently effects the father making him (ALL TOGETHER NOW) question his faith.

Father Peter (Gene Lebrock of Santa Barbara, Fortress of Amerikkka: The Mercenaries, Metamorphosis, Night of the Beast and Fatal Choice) moves his family into a less than savory house. Less all white exterior like say Amityville Horror but a house that definitely defies logic and registers at least a 8 on the Weird Crap 'O Meter.

The good father and his wife Annie (Barbara Bingham of The Octagon, Splitz, Death Mask, The Colbys, Real Men, Knots Landing, Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan and Cop Target) start to notice odd sounds and sights and begin to wonder if they got this house under other reasons. With a little background investigation (GOOGLE IT DAMMIT!!) we find out that the house was built on the same land when twenty witches lost their britches because all went up in flames via witch hunt and trials. 

 

Witch wardrobe brought to you by Glad bags.

It is almost as Father George's faith was the only thing keeping these maleficent spirits at bay as they are tormenting the family of which one of the children is none other than Michael Stephenson of Troll 2 and The Paper Brigade. Ahh Troll 2...what dog flop. George combines his forces with Peter and they are MEGA PRIEST!!! Actually they engage the spirits in the rites of exorcism but Mega Priest sounded cooler. Would have settled for Captain Catholic too. Can the padres duo banish the spirits?? Will their faith waiver?? Will Pazuzu of Exorcist II: The Heretic make an appearance?

Let's break it down. The practical appliances and effects aren't bad, just dated. A lot of dry ice and back lighting was used so you know there wasn't a huge budget and everyone is written like a one dimensional stereotype. Our pace is dragging so much that snails begin to lap us, the intentions and ideas behind this film clearly feel like they have been lifted from both Poltergeist and The Exorcist but poorly executed. It was said at one point, Fragasso's people tried to get Linda Blair into the project but she shot that down toot sweet. B- for effort, fellas but the lady can do more than spit pea soup. As far as DVD releases this seems to be only found as a double feature for George Eastman's Metamorphosis on Blu-ray. Yea not even a DVD release. 

Confessions of a Priest...The Behind Bars Edition!

 

Dario Argento Week: Suspiria

Hey all and welcome to Day 1 of Dario Argento Week and I don't mind admitting  this next film has scared the crap out of me.  No kidding, from the elaborate pace, to the story, to the musical scores made by the progressive band Goblin, this film is just damn creepy and widely accepted as Argento's finest work.  From the imposing sets to the sinister death scenes this flick should keep even today's gore fans on their toes.  This is Suspiria.

Hmm, disturbingly lit in here but probably nothing wrong with that.

Miss Tanner: I had no idea you were so strong willed.  I can see that once you make up your spoiler about something, nothing will change it for you.  My compliments.







Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper of Phantom of the Paradise, Love and Death, Aspen, Big Man on Campus, It's Garry Shandling's Show and Mr. Wonderful) is an American ballet student that has flown in to Freiburg Germany to enroll in a prestigious dance academy, however arriving in the middle of the night she cannot gain access into the school and decides to spend the night in town.  As she goes to leave a young girl, Pat Hingle (Eva Axen of Ludwig, Orpheus 9, The Golden Mass, This Is the Night and Death at Work) is leaving the academy muttering to herself and irate is all hell.  Pat decides to stay at a friend's apartment while she works out what she will do with the rest of her life...  what remains of it, as no sooner she is done with her shower a lunatic crashes through the window smothering her face against a pane of glass while simultaneously stabbing her over and over before disemboweling her.  Pat's friend hears the ruckus and decides to investigate by pounding on the door, crying for help and then hearing nothing at all.  Bound with cable from the building, Pat is dropped through the stain glass ceiling and left to hang while Pat's friend is impaled with glass shards and metal below.  That is the thirteen minute mark, people so you just know there is going to be more to it than a random nutter.

Won't...  make... recital...  bleh.

The next morning, Suzy makes her way back to the academy and is met by Madame Blanc (Joan Bennett of The Housekeeper's Daughter, The Man I Married, Man Hunt, The Wife Takes a Flyer, Girl Trouble, Scarlet Street and Dark Shadows)  lead instructor Miss Tanner (Alida Valli of The Third Man, Senso, Eyes Without a Face, A Simple Heart, Inferno and Angel of Death) welcome Suzi in as Miss Tanner shows her around.  After meeting Sarah (Stefania Casini of For Love One Dies, Blood for Dracula, The Golden Mass, The Climber and Bloodstained Shadow) and Olga (Barbara Magnolfi of The Suspicious Death of a Minor, Ready for Anything, The Sister of Ursula and Cut and Run) and arranges to live off-campus rather than at the dormitory.
 
After a surreal encounter in the kitchen with the academy's cook, Suzy feels faint and awakens in a room hours later, where she has been moved in against her wishes.  Her doctors tell her she is not used to the climate and should have a glass of wine daily.  Reverse intervention!    The upside for Suzy that she becomes fast friends with Sara since they are roomies.   Strange happenings seem to keep occurring and people has suddenly up and left the academy with no rhyme or reason as Suzy starts to suspect this academy may be more than the brochure led her to believe.

A few notes on this film now.  Argento's original idea for the ballet school was to be populates with young girls no older than 12.  Due to the extreme violence in the screenplay the studio producer and father Salvatore Argento was stubborn in his belief that the film would be banned so the age limit was raised to 20 but the dialogue was not altered so the naive behavior and comments sound almost childlike.  Argento and the band Goblin composed the score together and he arranged for the band to play as loud as their speakers could manage on set and suddenly to bring about a truly startled and scared performance from his actors,
The screenplay was inspired by Daria Nicolodi's (writer/actress and Argento's lover) grandmother who claimed to have fled in the middle of the night from a German music academy because witchcraft was being secretly held there.

Katie Couric before morning coffee!

Vampire Grab Bag Week: Twins of Evil

Greetings all and a hearty welcome to Day 1 of the Vampire Grab Bag Week in the hopes we get some fun titles.  This week I just go on IMDB.com and randomly snag a vampire title and hope for the best.  Here is hoping we don’t end up with another Zombie Lake scenario because that was simply disturbing.  Today I chose a Hammer title so it will be a 50/50 chance of a classic to a blatant soft core naughty.  Fingers crossed we get a winner so let’s prep those crucifix; keep a torch handy and maybe a decent short sword for beheadings.  This is Twins of Evil.

If only I knew where my TARDIS was!

The Brotherhood is dedicated in eradicating spoilers throughout the world!

Part 3 of the Karnstein Trilogy produced by the Hammer Films, these films are named such as the vampires of the Karnstein family as their title seats at Castle Karnstein in Styria Austria and the flicks always seem to have a lesbian theme similar to its predecessors The Vampire Lovers and Lust for a Vampire.   Boy I sure can pick them.

Maria and Frieda Gellhorn (Mary and Madeleine Collinson the first identical twin Playmate sisters from October 1970) are recently orphaned teenage girls forced to move from the charming Venice to Karnstein to live with their astringent uncle Gustav Weil (Peter Cushing of Horror of Dracula, The Curse of Frankenstein, The Brides of Dracula, Dr. Who and the Daleks, Frankenstein Created Woman, Star Wars and Shock Waves) a puritan and leader of the Brotherhood, a collective of bible thumpers and witch hunters.  Both girls are less than thrilled with their new living conditions and contemplating escape.  Count Karnstein (Damien Thomas of The Message, Shogun, Pirates and Wish Me Luck and House of Cards) holds the Emperor’s ear and favor and has not fallen under sway of the Brotherhood and follows a far darker path of Satanism. 

A double pleasure's waiting for you...

To gain greater power the Count slays a girl for human sacrifice to bring forth his ancestor Countess Mircalla Karenstein (Katya Wyeth of Inspector Clouseau, A Clockwork Orange, Straight on Till Morning, Got It Made, Barry McKenzie Holds His Own and I’m Not Feeling Myself Tonight) from her grave and make him a vampire as well.   Imbued with his new found power our Count sets his sights on the lovely Frieda and Maria becomes smitten by her teacher Anton (David Warbeck of Hunter of the Apocalypse, The Black Cat, The Beyond, Sudden Fury and Razor Blade Smile).   While Frieda is tempted by darkness with the Count, Maria has a sweet innocent love blossoming with Anton.  Will these two girls ever be the same again?

Yes I have a few points to be made about the film.  Yes fellas there is more eye candy than a Playboy party, a fair degree of nudity and once again ladies yes you are getting snubbed on strapping fellows with the exception of the Count and Anton.  Granted there could be hot and bothered Peter Cushing fans but I have not met the like.  Acclaimed film critic Leonard Maltin attempted to give this film two and a half stars as the Collinson twins were very lovely and engaging in spite of their voices being dubbed in.  

My, your breasts are lovely in the torchlight.

Horror of 1970 Week: Mark of the Devil

What’s goin’ on kiddies?  Back again for Day 2 of the psychofunkadelic Horror of 1970 Week and I gots to warn you all, this one is a bit over the top.   Yeah I know I have said that before but frankly it was a bit stomach turning so as always I am giving the heads up. Dig?   So let’s get caught up in some witchcraft, enjoy an outdoor cookout i.e. witch trial and not to disturb the eternal beast.  This is Mark of the Devil.

Medieval dentistry.

Albino: I accuse you of having trampled on the cross, of having ridden to the Sabbath, of throwing the Holy Cross of our Savior into spoiler so the that the skies grew dark, and the rain fell upon the earth!!

Yes boys and girls, this one again random choice fell to an infamous titled film.  In the 18^th century hailed in Austria witch hunters roam the countryside reading to accuse any strong willed woman that refuses these simple minded gits of being the Devil’s pawn.  One such witch hunter Albino (Reggie Nadler of The Man Who Knew Too Much, Felini’s Casanova, Zoltaan: Hound of Dracula and Salem’s Lot) struts and preens about the village instilling terror of the merest possibility of being viewed as a witch.  It is only rumored amongst the villagers that he tortures the accused with hot pokers, lashes and possibly removes the tongue from their heads. 

I just want your soul..er um I mean save your soul.

He is but a mere foot soldier to the Grand Inquisitor Lord Cumberland (Herbert Lom of Spartacus, Count Dracula, Murders in the Rue Morgue, Dark Places and Ten Little Indians) who is instilled by the Crown to take jurisdiction for the witch trials is also instructing his young nephew Count Christian von Meruh (Udo Kier of Johnny Mnemonic, Blade, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Barb Wire and Modern Vampires) who behaves as a courtly gentleman in every sense of the word takes a shine to a lovely lady that was falsely accused to burn at the stake.   Christian proceeds to spy on the good Lord Cumberland only to find out that the witch trials is nothing more than a land grab scheme, an accumulation of vast riches and being able to have his way with the farmers’ daughters. 

I’ve just a quick few more warnings offhand about the film. With the standing of fascism taking full swing, it is my belief the point of this film was to bash the fear mongers of the time and point out how Lord Aton was correct in absolute power corrupts absolutely.   Very similar how Arthur Miller’s The Crucible was a bit sneer at the Red Scare era of the 1950’s and that being said…dear God I really wished I skipped this film.  Our opening credits have nuns being violated, the rack being implemented as well as the removal of fingernails by the root.   Oh yes I can definitely say this will not be on my shelf for viewing pleasure and frankly I am a bit concerned the man or woman that needs this in their VHS/DVD collection.

Well Art, I think we had a good turn out for the witch weenie roast.

Horror Grab Bag Week:La maschera del demonio

Welcome my poor readers to the inherent evil that is Horror Grab Bag Week.  I decided we have not gone over an Italian horror film in a while and by God we need to fix that.  I drag you kicking and screaming into the mind’s eye of Mario Bava (Lust of the Vampire, The Day the Sky Exploded, Hercules in the Haunted World, The Road to Fort Alamo, Planet of the Vampires, Danger: Diabolik and A Bay of Blood) who is a Union head’s worst nightmare as he is a cinematographer/director/writer who dabbled in special effects as well.  Like most directors he has his trademarks and in his case he prefers tight zoom on a character’s face during suspenseful scenes and airplanes taking off and landing as a means to establish the beginning or ending to his story.   So it is off to the year 1630 and apparently black magic roams the land under Satan’s guidance.  Hey he likes to tutor.  Don’t judge.    So grab a soda pop from the vending machine, head to the lobby for some Gummi Bears and popcorn.   This is La maschera del demonio a.k.a. Black Sunday.

Mask of Satan for all your accessory needs.

Spoiler’s power had ravaged the lands and corrupted the youth.

In the lands of Moldavia a beautiful witch Asa Vajda (Barbara Steele of The 39 Steps, Your Money or Your Wife, Pit and the Pendulum, The Horrible Dr. Hitchcock, Castle of Blood, Piranha and The Silent Scream) and her little man servant Javuto (Arturo Dominici of Revenge of the Barbarians, The Trojan Horse, God Will Forgive My Pistol, Castle of Blood, The Senator Likes Women and Silent Action) are rousted by the local villagers to be burned at the stake for witchcraft and for murdering her brother.  Siblings just don’t always get along.   As a result of this witch trial Asa’s head is fastened with an iron mask so she may not enchant anyone else but she curses her brother’s blood line forever.

Dear God my English dub voice sounds sissy.

200 years later, Dr Thomas Kruvajan (Andrea Checchi of Tragic Hunt, The Day the life, Blood and Defiance, Imperial Venus, Torpedo Bay and Great Robbery in Milan) and his assistant are in route to a medical conference but one of the wheels on their quaint carriage snaps and the coachman is stuck repairing it.  As luck would have it they find Asa’s tomb from walking around and she is encased in a glass coffin lid with a giant crucifix over the lid.   Our two medical professionals end up smashing the lid trying to fend off a bat, Kruvajan’s blood drips on to Asa slowly reviving her.   She must be one of those rare vampiric witches we hear so much about these days.  Asa raises her man servant to go and find our good doctor for her unearthly delights and to reign over the descendant of the peasant rabble that destroyed her so long ago.  

Yes I have my comments and observations.  Don’t even tell me you are surprised.  Shot in 35mm Spherical this dubious film does arrive in black and white and is of course recorded in mono.  With some steady hand held of an almost 40 lb camera these poor guys’ backs had to be killing them.

Stone cold fox indeed. 

 I was curious in the posters both Barbara Steele and Arturo Dominici are show in the posters with vampire fangs and yet in the film I never once saw them flashed on camera.   It could have been a painful appliance or Bava wanted more of the dark magic aspect and less vampire.  Tallying at 87 minutes I feel the Italian dub with English subtitles was probably a better way to go but still a decent enough movie.