Public Domain Goodness: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

And we're back with more Public Domain Goodness. Actually that is a contradiction because there is nothing good to be had about today's gut wrenching pain. Dragging at the speed of a snail on a leave, our film tops off at a whopping 96 minutes of pure unadulterated Hell. Tis' the season after all and given I am in warmer climates I have to look a bit harder for Christmas.

This is Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.

I can't see in this mask.  Was that a log or a hobo I ran over?

This particular abomination in the eyes of God and humanity is brought to us by R&S Film Entertainment from the year of 1972. Written, directed and musically scored by R. Winer (Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny) and clearly gone and never seen nor heard from again. Production comes from a children stories/exploitation producer Barry Mahon (Cuban Rebel Girls, Rocket Attack U.S.A., The Dead One, Santa's Christmas Elf Named Calvin) and boy oh boy are we in for a treat. I mean, if you can't trust quality morality and noble intentions from the producer of Sex Killer, Fanny Hill Meets Dr. Erotico and The Wonderful Land of Oz, then frankly you are a touch cynical.

Santa is stuck in Florida as all his reindeer revolted and left his bulbous ass in the heat and surf.    No real mention why and Santa doesn't exactly seem to be busting his hump to fix this.   This thread bare plot was linking a jolly old fat man, some zany kids and helping good old Santa out of his plight so he can get back to delivering toys. This film is so poorly executed aside from finding out the actor playing Santa, I think the parents of the kids demanded their names stricken from the bill. Seriously most of them didn't even have names.

Now children, you must be wondering why Santa has no pants.

Santa has been baking in the sun for a while as we were treated (and by we I mean I suffered) saggy sweaty swamp ass. Yup that pan about of Santa getting in and out of the sleigh was a treat for all to behold. HOLIDAY SWAMP ASS!!! Or Santa's saggy diaper sprung a leak.

So the kids find alternative animals to pull the sleigh while Santa decides to have a musical number. Did I mention this was also a musical? Probably still reeling from experiencing it myself. After many vain attempts at different animals, the kids are tired and stumped what to do. To pad the film uh I mean pass the time, Santa apparently dropped acid and has a flashback about a story he heard.

A completely separate fairy tale, told at a theme park in Dania Florida called Pirate's World. A tale that has no bearing on Christmas, a moral lesson or any relevance WHATSOEVER!!!!

Instead the kids get to delight at the whimsy of a crazy old man in a Santa suit as we have stock footage from Pirate World and Thumbellina.   Because Thumbellina is so...Christmas like.  At best guess as this story is narrated from a PA speaker system in the park, you get the idea they originally had these live action fairy tales as a means to entertain the kids when the rides made them throw up too many times.

I tell you elves, we need to strike.

Dig this. The bloody story is almost 36 minutes long. Yup Santa and the kids share in this wondrous tale with paper mach'e toadstools, large creature suits and music that had all its potential charms strangled from it.   Over a half hour this diverting story and what does it have to do with Santa and his reindeer on strike??? Absolutely nothing.  A complete and deliberate waste of your time.

Swamp Ass Claus finishes this long winded tale and if you look at it analytically, he speaks of a narrator telling the tale. So then kids, the nice lady spoke of how Thumbellina was lost in the woods with the poor backdrop, the high school production quality sets and the lighting that changes from moment to moment.

Bearing this time wasting bastard no more, several of the kids head out in search of the one being that could summon all his might to do what's right. Yes the Ice Cream Bunny. With it's cold, dead shark-like eyes and not saying a single word, this nightmare fuel proves Santa a lift in his old timey fire truck of which I can't even guess how the guy in the suit saw to steer it. Moving at speeds of maybe 10 mph, they head over to pick up Santa and then...well more music and roll credits.

I kid you not. That's it. Again like Planet of the Dinosaurs, this also has been picked apart by Rifftrax and they have a holly jolly time mocking this hellish creation. Andrew Lloyd Webber plays are more enjoyable. Shot in 16mm and converted to 35mm print, normally I cheer at this but no, I have no love for this film.

I am not even certain who this film could entertain.   I guess if you have a small child that smacks him or herself with a brick, this would be a distraction.  If your child suffers from eating too much lead paint when you are not looking, well this film might induce vomiting, clearing the toxic material from him or her.

If you were planning on creating a Saw based torture chamber and just simply force your victims to watch a movie, with locked and bolted doors, a projector against a tile wall and turned up the built-in speakers encased in shatterproof boxes so they can never drown out the sounds of this awful movie... well you're unhinged and have an excellent flick to cause agony.

Personally I would make it part of my last will and testament to torment family members greedily awaiting a good sized payoff. Ya wants the dough, on wif da show.

96 minutes does not seem like much normally and I would agree if it wasn't for the incredibly slow pace, next to no plot, the child actors looking like they can't wait to leave and this asinine link to Pirate World and... yeah I lost my point. Oh yes, skip the original incarnation of this movie. If you have to stare at this in order to believe in its existence, watch the Rifftrax version.

A witch's brew...for Christmas.

Linda Blair Week: Roller Boogie

Well hello again and welcome back to Day 2 of Linda Blair Week. This time around we move back to the time era of roller rinks and disco music. For those that do not care for either can bog off and move on. We observe a film that held auditions of over 300 skaters to work on the film but ultimately only 50 were cast. In addition to this movie, roller skating champion Jim Bray was hired as a stunt skater only to become the leading man next to Linda Blair. This is Roller Boogie.

Okay, she looks like she is having fun.

Wealthy socialites Lillian (Beverly Garland of D.O.A., Swamp Diamonds, Gunslinger, It Conquered the World, Not of This Earth, Decoy and The Alligator People) and Roger Barkley (Roger Perry of Arrest and Trial, Count Yorga, Vampire, The Thing with Two Heads, Barnaby Jones, The Facts of Life, Falcon Crest and Dirty Love) have overall ignored their daughter aside from she goes to Juilliard as a flautist (One that plays the flute) and must succeed to the highest plateau. 

Definitely grooving.

Unfortunately, daughter Terry (Linda Blair of Sweet Hostage, Stranger in Our House, Wild Horse Hank, Ruckus, Hell Night, Chained Heat, Savage Streets, Chicken Soup for the Soul, S Club 7 in L.A., and Monster Makers) has aspirations to have fun versus study, study and more study as she and her snooty friend Lana (Kimberly Beck of Massacre at Central High, Eight Is Enough, Zuma Beach, and Friday the 13^th The Final Chapter) hit the broadwalk via Venice Beach. Terry notices Bobby James (Jim Bray of Roller Boogie) out with another girl but clearly our boy took in Terry with a long lasting glance. The two start developing a relationship in spite of their social standings being so different they have found a mutual love of disco and roller skating. Terry offers Bobby money so she can complete and win the Roller Disco contest at the skating place Jammers.

Like Hell Night, it wouldn't be 70s to 80s without a Van Patten (It was a Hollywood rule in the day) as Jimmy Van Patten (Lunch Wagon, Young Warriors, For Love and Honor, The Flunky Saw IV, Saw VI and Saw 3D: The Final Chapter) as Hoppy, Bobby's buddy from Venice Beach. I am still reeling from street name/nickname Hoppy.

I know, I know. Where's the twist in all of this? Pipe down and I will tell you. It looks as though Jammers is to be bought out by some shady mobster cats that will most likely tear down Jammers and make it a night club or some other means to launder ill-gotten gains. Terry and Bobby have to put the kibosh on this somehow with the aid of their friends and get that incriminating evidence to the cops before they're all wearing cement overshoes.

This film has it all. A vibrant cast, a great soundtrack and a kind of wholesome story about life is never what you think it will be. Now some will view this a mushy throwback but I like think of it as a pleasant reminder that these stories hold weight. From director Mark L. Lester of such cheese like: Gold of the Amazon Women, Class of 1984 also brought us Firestarter, Commando and Class of 1999 so it takes all kind to move a picture. Plus Earth, Wind and Fire is on the soundtrack. I'd watch a splatter fest flick if you can guarantee me Earth, Wind and Fire. Granted I could have done with less men in terry cloth shorts but I review a lot of 70s to 80s horror flicks and that is a constant.

John Holmes, is that you?