Wednesday, September 16, 2020

Bloodsuckers

 


Salutations Readers of the Rotten and welcome back to the blog. Now there is a ton of negative reviews on today's movies and some of that is deserved for minor reasons. However, it has some redeeming value due to dialogue choices, creature species names and clear nods to the admired creators. So delving into this Sci-Fi/Horror, I was actually burning a copy for my mom when I realized I never reviewed this film on the blog but for Epinion.com oh so many moons ago. This is Bloodsuckers a.k.a.Vampire Wars a.k.a. Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe.

 

Worse paintball team...ever.


 

 

 

 

 

 

Personally I like the last title. I just envision Dolph Lundgren as He-Man curb stomping vampires into oblivion. Writer/director/producer Matthew Hastings (Decoys, Panikiller Jane, Eureka, Alphas, The Originals and Shadowhunters) had a vision...um vampires in space. Sort of a Andromeda/Buffy crossover universe. The typical wooden stake, crosses, holy water and whatnot doesn't help at all. Maybe this is Blade crossover. But they seem to be using conventional rounds OF THE FUTURE... Yeah Mossbergs, an M4 with 40mm grenade launcher and metal chromed spikes. Sayth whaaaaat???


So yeah we have a few points to make before we dive right in:


1) The tri-barrel heavy rifle that Roman (Aaron Pearl) is using is from Blade: Trinity. The rifle Patton Oswalt's character shows off to Reynolds, Snipes and Biel's looks at. 2) the interior cockpit, crew quarters and landing plank of our intrepid vampire hunters' ride is the Eureka Maru from Andromeda. They decorated it a bit but Roddenberry fans will immediately recognize this has Captain Valentine's rusted out crap box of the stars. 3) the species of vampires are named after horror film slasher icons such as Voorhees and Leatherface 4) the Captain's sidearm is the Blade: the Series sawed off shotgun with vents. They just added laser sights to it. Trust me, with that spread, you really won't need to aim; just worry about recoil.


In the far away future of 2210, humanity has explored the stars and the only other intelligent lifeforms out there are the vampires. Different breeds, whole lot of attitude. The V-SAN or Vampire Sanitation (sounds like the vamps call them for a blocked toliet) are on the case. From mining planets to areas of British Columbia that Stargate and its spin-offs hadn't filmed in, our brave hunters are taking down suckheads left and right. IT'S A FRIGGIN' CREW OF FIVE!!!!!


Vampire Reavers? Veavers? Rampires?


 

 

 

 

 

 

For God's sake, at least the Sulocco in Aliens had a platoon worth of space marines. My favorite Damphyr of BloodRayne (Natassia Malthe of Devil's Highway, Skinwalkers, DOA: Dead or Alive, Dead & Deader, Sex and Death 101, BloodRayne: Deliverance, Alone in the Dark II and BloodRayne: The Third Reich) is playing...wait for it... a Damphyr. Typecasting or do producers just like her in mid-riff leathers? That may be a bit sexist. Granted you won't hear me complain that a gorgeous woman is in leathers and strutting about.


Our touch as nails Captain Churchill is Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman's hubby??? Yeah it is Joe Lando (Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, Counterstrike, Bloodsuckers, Wildfire, A.I. Assault, Meteor Apocalypse and The Secret Circle) leading our team of FIVE into hostile territories. They snag, bag and tag the vampires or call corporate and tell them the planet is a write-off. It's a tough job but somebody's got to do it.  Breaking in a new roster to the crew is corporate officer Lt. Damian (Dominic Zamprogna of It Waits, Supernatural, Battlestar Galactica, Battlestar Galactica: The Resistance, Blade: The Series, Painkiller Jane, The L Word, Smallville and 2012), a wet behind the ears rookie that may just have what it takes to gack some vamps. Awww he's got a coming of age story. Precious.

 

10 to 1 she heard a cheesy pick-up line.


 

 

 

 

 

 

Among our fine bunch of badasses is gunner duo team-up Roman (Aaron Pearl of The Tortured, Ice Quake, Lloyd the Conqueror, Christmas Miracle, Supernatural, King & Maxwell, Godzilla, Til Death Do Us Part and No Men Beyond This Point) our Drake of Aliens archtype and Rosa (Leanne Adachi of Deep Rising, The Final Cut, The Invisible, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Stargate Universe, Red Widow, Rogue adn Supernatural) our Vasquez wannabe. Well now that the Mousekeeters signed off, they get into the fracas. Shocking the first planet they find has been ransacked and ravaged. For a handful of vamps, they made quite the mess. Moving on from the mining colony, the ship gets an SOS and naturally they're the only ship in the quadrant (Hmm sound Star Trek enough for ya?) so they go in. Finding the sole survivor Fiona (A.J. Cook of Final Destination 2, Tru Calling, Criminal Minds, Dead Like Me, Vanished, Night Skies, Misconceptions and Mother's Day) she tells the hunters that the last place the rest of the colony was down in the mines. FYI, these are the same mines that were used for First Blood. Yeah a bit more movie trivia. You're welcome, gang!


Our team head right to the obvious trap instead of taking off and nuking the site from orbit, because...plot device. Shockingly enough, a team of five really cannot hold off hundreds of vamps. Who knew?  The Captain gets separated from the team and Damian has to take up command. Reluctantly, the duo fire team follow Damian as they find out someone has issued codes to shut down orbital defenses on the allied planets inhabited by humans.  Soooo...it's a universal code?   One code and that's it?! I can change my remote, my Ipad, hell my laptop's registration but one frickin' code?!!! Ever heard of backups?!!  Sorry sorry.

 

Not even Dylan Hunt would hire these clowns.


 

 

 

 

 

 

Now our band has to play on and find out who sold the humans out, eradicate them and save the universe. That's a tall order. Getting backup isn't an option as they don't know how far up the ranks of the corporate of V-SAN this goes. Bet it was Burke. He'd definitely screw us for a percentage.




Obviously this film is a love letter to many a creator. James Cameron for Aliens, Joss Whedon for Buffy and Firefly a little smidgen of John Carpenter for Vampires and definitely Star Trek for the Final Frontier gag and techno babble.


Is it a bad movie? No. Is it filled with tropes we have seen before? Well yes. A group of loners that work together, combat their differences, back stories and issues then fight side-by-side? Yeah it may have been done before. There are clever ideas, decent locations, the FX is spot on and overall story is feasible for a TV plot. Is it captivating to the likes of Serenity? Well that is an unfair comparison and Firefly had a lot of desperate elements and characters that amounted over the course of 14 episodes and a later a movie. If Bloodsuckers got the same treatment, they could do pretty well. So yes if this were the pilot episode rather than the movie, you'd have a chance.


At the end of the day it is a goofy flick with some action, one liners and vampires. Look if you came for a riveting story that tells us the underlining metaphor of humanity and the hopes and dreams that would one day become reality, you picked the wrong blog. I really don't review those types of film. If you came for some laughs, cheesy lines and a decent enough plot; you're in luck.


Grr. Arrgh.


Tuesday, August 25, 2020

Geneieve Wreaks Havoc

 


Hey there Readers of the Rotten. Yeah I need to really word shop that. Welcome back to the blog. Been a lot of work these past few days so sorry for the lack of blog posts. I did receive another request by director Nicolas Michael Jacobs (Night, Urban Fears, Tales from Six Feet Under and Geneieve) to give a sequel to his morbid killer doll film. To continue the terror that started in a basement all by his lonesome, would-be thief David has been ambushed by Genevieve and eventually the home owner is on his way home. This is Genevieve Wreaks Havoc.

 

Ready for my close-up, Mr. Jacobs.


NMJ films returns with another turn of the dark tale with evil doll Genevieve. A quick recap of the previous film, David (actor/producer/director Nicholas Michael Jacobs of Puppet Master X:Axis Rising, Night, Urban Fears, Tales from Six Feet Under and Genevieve) after successfully breaking into Ted's house made his way down to the basement to lift the creepy little doll only to be battered, bashed and attacked by this disturbing and macabre doll is attempting to escape with his life.

Attempting to answer his smarter than he phone, the deadly dolly has her wicked way with David, cackling all the while. Finding some semblance of strength to make it back up the stairs, horror ensues.

The owner of said house, Ted Morris (Shawn C. Phillips of Camp Blood 4, Camp Blood 5, Grindsploitation, Killer Waves, Witchcraft 16: Hollywod Coven, Cannibal Cop, Urban Fears, Axegrinder 2 and Camp Blood 8: Revelations) has just returned from the funeral of his child to find this bit of crazy happening. Yeah I don't think I have ever had that bad a day. With a bit of elbow grease, the house it put to right and Ted sounds exhausted. He chastises Geneieve for her evil shenanigans as she peers in at his handy work. Can Ted keep Geneieve from going on a killing spree? Will she eventually turn on him? How many times has this happened?


Crypt Keeper got impatient.

With a eerie synthesizer chord, good camera work and decent effects, this continuation is graphic, disturbing and a bit sinister. Our director is trying to get as much mileage out of this vicious killer collectible as much as possible. It of course also begs the question, who hired David in the first place? Was this an inside job? Is there some satanic brickabrack collection in the black market? Can I also get a devious hell cube as well?


Our story hasn't finished as we are left with a to be continued notion, so part 3 is clearly in the works.


This evil tale will be made available to Amazon and YouTube on October 1st , just in time for the trick o' treaters. I for one, will be at the ready to see this story unfold further with Geneieve: The Killer Doll and it is proof that Nicholas Michael Jacobs can do dark and atrocious on a limited budget. Let's see what he can do with a bit of finance, eh?

 

Oh that bean burrito is fighting me.
 

Saturday, August 1, 2020

Blood Feast


Hidey-ho readers of the Rotten! More than a few of you have requested Caroline Williams movies. I had no idea there were that many Stretch fans (Main female protagonist of Texas Chainsaw Massacre II for those not in on this response) but this is certainly not the worst request in the world. The worst would probably more Andreas Snaas films. Those are as soothing as a chainsaw enema. So howzabout a splatter comedy based on the 1963 exploitation classic of the same title? This is Blood Feast a.k.a. Feast of Flesh a.k.a. The Blood Feast a.k.a.Egyptian Blood Feast


Now sweetie, Daddy just exploring new avenues.












Normally my Spidey-senses are all a tingle with multiple titles but looking at the film's cast I felt better already.   Based on Hershell Gordon Lewis (Blood Feast, Scum of the Earth, Two Thousand Maniacs!, Monster a-Go Go, Something Weird, Blast-Off Girls, She-Devils on Wheels and How to Make a Doll) exploitation splatter flick, we follow the Ramses family transitioning from France (THEY CAME FROM FRANCE) where they chose to run an All-American diner. Business is flagging a bit, clearly a sign of the times and poor economy structure.

Fuad Ramses (Robert Rusler of Weird Science, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Sometimes They Come Back, Babylon 5, Wing Commander IV: The Price of Freedom, Mike Hammer, Private Eye, Cold Case, NCIS, 24, And Soul Searchers) has to bring home the bacon, he decides to forego proper sleep and takes a second job working night shift security at the prestigious museum of Egyptian culture. Throughout the nights of utter boredom and loneliness, Fuad is drawn to this stature of Ishtar. So drawn to this statue he starts seeing visions of this gorgeous goddess (Sadie Katz of Good Guys Finish Last, Hit List, House of Bad, Scorned, Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort, Grindsploitation, Unreported, The Night Shift, Bus Party to Hell and Meaning of Violence) makes demands of worship and sacrifice and Fuad falls under her spell.


Hehe, hard to stay in the lines!












When gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life leaves you an ancient goddess that demands flesh and blood sacrifices, you make people steak?

Fuad proceeds to butcher people for the decree of Ishtar, and the meat and organs to the menu at the diner. Naturally this could be a difficult sale to his lovely wife, Louise (Caroline Williams of Almo Bay, Getting Even, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Stepfather II, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Days of Thunder, Flashfire, Leprechuan 3, The District, The Division, The Unleashed, Abolition, the Mentalist and Monsterpiece Theatre Volume 1) who is equally tired from back breaking work and sees this as a blessing. The doozy is breaking this particular level of messed up is giving their college aged daughter Penny (Sophia Monk of Monster!, The Mystery of Natalie Wood, London, Pool Guys, Date Movie, Click, Sex and Death 101, Entourage, Spring Breakdown, The Hills Run Red, Life Blood and Hard Breakers) in on the new family secret.


Dangerous and dishy.












This could be equally bad as Penny has been in a relationship with the Sheriff's officer, Fatih (Roland Freitag of Iron Wolf, Das Tagebuch der Grete Muller, #funnyFACE and Blood Feast) so I can only hope she can make with the deception. Faud starts getting screwy...well screwier when you dine on human flesh you have murdered and butchered yourself. Yeah go figure that eating people would make you a bit off. With bodies piling up and people disappearing, you would naturally assume the cops would start piecing this together but in true horror trope fashion, these guys couldn't distinguish their asses from holes in the ground. And yes because I get asked it almost every time I review horror (YES THERE IS TITTY!) so that has been answered. Sorry again, lady readers but I get this particular cliche more times that I would care to admit.



This normally tallies at 90 minutes, there is also the Blu-ray version at 96 minutes and the Director's Unrated Cut finishes at 98 minutes. And yes I saw the Unrated Cut because...well it was the one I clicked on.

To anyone with eyes, the remake is a love letter for the original. The elaborate sets, the slow drawn out story and going for a bit more gore than the 1968 version. Our cast is amazing with the material. I am not certain who I found more captivating: Robert Rusler's slip from working class schlep to a spiral into madness and devote follower of Ishtar or Caroline Williams' just accepting this insane course of actions to help the family business or the craving of flesh.

I am really confused why this film has gotten so much crap from IMDB readers and non-profit critics. The film has good suspense, decent build-up into the evil, dark humor and making the hairs on my neck stand up. Seriously guys and gals, why the hate? Hell for that matter the late great Herschell Gordon Lewis makes a cameo as Professor Lou Hershell.

Director Marcel Walz (Camp Corpses, Kadaver, Road Rip, Popular, Raw: The Curse of Grete Muller, Seed 2, La Petite Mort II, Raw 3: The Revelation of Grete Muller and Rootwood) plays up with an updated script lingo wise but kept the core of the story giving an macabre tale of family and struggling business. 

Meh, beats EBT.

Sunday, July 19, 2020

Geneiveve


What's going on Readers of the Rotten? Yes this many posts must be confusing. Suffice to say the freelance writing work has picked up, so it has been less time to do the blog.
That being said, I have a request by director Nicolas Michael Jacobs (Night, Urban Fears, Tales from Six Feet Under) to give his short story a gander and I am just getting to this four days later. Very sorry for that, sir. We have a dark tale of passing of a man's son, some shifty criminals and a possible killer doll. This is Genevieve.


Gilbert Gottfried in drag??!!












We open with a couple that were arguing, following by yelling and a gunshot. So typical Tuesday for some portions of the country. A cackling man putting the finishing touches on what I can only describe as one of the most hideous dolls I have clapped my eyes on. Brad Douriff's Chucky would be projectile vomiting looking at her. Cut to Title card and eerie composure to set the mood. The being horror if that was somehow lost on anyone.

An empty house is being burglarized for the sake of the doll because somebody thinks it will be worth a fair amount of coin. Yeah I need it add it to my Satanic brickerbrack collection. Really ties the room together, placed next to my grimoire. One assumes there is a black market buy going down, otherwise it's a discreet auction on Etsy. David (actor/producer/director Nicholas Michael Jacobs of Puppet Master X:Axis Rising, Night, Urban Fears and Tales from Six Feet Under), our would-be second story man creeps his way into the house of one Ted Morris (Shawn C. Phillips of Camp Blood 4, Camp Blood 5, Grindsploitation, Killer Waves, Witchcraft 16: Hollywod Coven, Cannibal Cop, Urban Fears, Axegrinder 2 and Camp Blood 8: Revelations) while Ted is away attending the funeral of his son. Yup David is a classy guy. Though to be fair, I don't really know the proper etiquette to loot a grieving father. I'll write Miss Manners about that.


a text exposition.  Texposition!












With a scope around the house, it is clear that the doll isn't anywhere convenient to find it so that means down in the basement. Oh goody, let's go down into the dark and dismal basement. Nothing bad ever happens in a dank cellar. Henrietta will pop up and demand his soul any minute. David's partner was very laxed on details of the doll leaving it open to all sorts of thoughts and interpretation. With the help of some patented POV, we go down the stairs. Naturally my brain is waiting for a pair of hands to reach through the stairwell and pull David down or cause him to trip and break his neck.

We make our way to a locked metal door where Genevieve is supposed to be behind and LOCKED DOOR says it all there for me, folks. That means no reward is worth this. David apparently feels different and makes his way to the door, only to stop due to a giggle and some light foot steps. Yeah dude, that was your danger senses screaming, "Get the hell out now," but of course why listen to that?

What you have a quick little story of bad things happening to a bad person. One who would profit from another misery and getting just desserts. With some nice lighting technique, some creepy laughter and a simple story provided enough scares to get the point across. Cursed items, dolls, relics, books and weapons are not new ground I grant you but Jacobs manages to bring about enough eerie vibes to cause a few scares. I got to talk with him about editing so I can pick his brain and make my own material look better. This film is only about 5 minutes long so don't run off and pop popcorn to settle in. Just a brief example that Jacobs has horror wired.

Available on YouTube and Amazon Prime, so keep your eyes peeled. For previous work and future endeavors, try https://www.nmjfilms.com/ for your Indie Horror tastes.

Tiny Tina?

Friday, July 17, 2020

Crocodile II: Death Swamp


Okay and I am back from yesterday's creature feature goofy goodness. But according to IMDB and we know how it NEVER fails us, there's a sequel to Crocodile. But how can that be? Did Princess live near Amity, sense another croc is coming for her family, fly down to the Bahamas, get romantically involved with Michael Caine and then kill the croc? Or is that another flick?

Any rate, this next movie has no ties to Crocodile WHATSOEVER. This as best reeks of Foreign distributions; when they link a film similar to a per-existing film and create a near franchise. So this would be a sequel in NAME ONLY. This is Crocodile 2: Death Swamp a.k.a. Crocodile II a.k.a. Death Roll a.k.a. Crocodile 2: Death Roll


Totally.












Yup when it's got that many alternative titles, you just know...it's a fifty-fifty chance you will be butt hurt from the movie. Our opus opens with a bank heist. Yeah! I'm guessing the bank was insured by the crocodile rather than the FDIC. The heist is handled and these four morons manage to not shoot themselves in the foot, waste about 3 guards and they're outta there! Cut to Mia (Heidi Lenhart of Creepy Crawlers, Deadly Sins, El Hazard: Wanderers, Maybe This Time, Night Stand, Eagle Riders, Fame L.A., Au Pair, Beverly Hills, 90210, Final Ascent and Au Pair II), a plucky and perky flight attendant having a split screen heartfelt chat with her wiener boyfriend. He gave her a Zippo lighter as a present. Um...kay.

As luck or as the plot depicted, the four bank robbers happen to be taking this particular flight together. WTF??!! Folks, let's be real for a moment. Police are looking for four men that just took down a large bank for some serious coin. Divvy up the cash, go to a fence and get 75 cents on the dollar and walk the hell away! Oh and let's hit the point that PISSES me off! So how with the heighten alert of air traffic issues after 9-11, these knuckle knobs somehow just brought guns on an airplane. 

Call me Snipes again you mutha,and they gonna scrape your brains.












Head honcho Max (Darryl Theirse of The Jeff Foxworthy Show, Chicago Cab, Jack & Jill, Popular, Jesse and Spin City), his right hand man, Squid (James Parks of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, You Know My Name, Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money, JAG, Crusade, Stargate SG-1, Star Trek: Enterprise, Kill Bill: Vol.1, Deadwood and Kill Bill: Vol.2) and creepy raper Sol (Jon Sklaroff of Masked and Anonymous, The Guardian, NCIS, Boston Legal, Nip/Tuck, Bones, Big Top, Shark, Journeyman and Monk).    Seriously, I think Max just flipped through Soldier of Fortune for his top notch crew or his fixer was extremely pissed off at him.

So the plane lands in the swamps that aren't swamps and this plane crash made national news in less than two hours. Wow. That is impressive coverage.   Wiener boy Zach (Chuck Walczak of Costello, Just Shoot Me!, Pensacola: Wings of Gold, Cover Me: Based on the True Life of an FBI Family, ER, 24, First Monday and JAG) wanted his girl in Acapulco and he's flipping out. Fortunately he's in a bar with an ace pilot and his wookie. No wait, that's some other flick. Former Navy SEAL pilot/tracker, Roland (Martin Kove of Bloodtide, The Karate Kid, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Cagney & Lacey, Wyatt Earp, Death Match, Savage Season and VFW) is ready for a charter...when he sobers up a bit. The dude has been tossing them back. 



Our bumble-some bank robbers feeling they haven't jacked up enough felonies, proceed to execute the injured because...Yeah I have absolutely no idea. The passengers cannot tattle, most don't have a phone and they're miles from anyone. Grab your money and book! Nope better to make them hostages cuz ya never know.


30 minutes into the flick and we finally saw crockers. I and a few friends are trying desperately to link the two movies, so the basic theory is the croc they did kill with guns was the baby croc in the first film, now mama croc is on another rampage. Yeah kinda feel we did more work than the writers there.

So we have a pretty abysmal CGI crock of shit er um I mean crocodile, some decent stunts and thankfully Martin Kove.

Will there be any passengers left? Will Roland and Weener Boy save Mia? Is Mama Croc bulletproof like in the first film?

I'm going to be honest, aside from James Parks and Martin Kove I barely recognized Heidi Lenhart and had no clue who most of the actors were. I kept calling Max as "Almost Snipes" due to the thin mustache Snipes wore in Blade. Yup, there wasn't a lot of thought process there but I wanted to match the intensity of the film. The scenes drag on, people are picked off by Mama Rampage there and frankly, I barely had the energy to mock/riff the film as it dulled my senses.

Quick FYI to the parents. Um the swearing is substantial. A 125 f bombs and about 50 mf bombs so yeah, there's that.

If you're looking for a sleep aid, Crocodile 2: Death Swamp is a good start. A hard hitting action movie, with clever one-liners, an amazing cast and deep meaningful dialogue and story telling, again go watch Jaws. My mind is going numb just writing this review, imagine what watching the film can do to your psyche. The sequel should star Roland and his newly acquired poodle, Princess as these two hire out to the highest bidder to hunt and kill crocodiles.


Worst Uber service...ever.


Wednesday, July 15, 2020

Crocodile


Howdy all. Back with a creature feature that was directed by the late great Tobe Hooper ( Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Salem’s Lot, Poltergeist and Lifeforce) and loosely links his film Eaten Alive through exposition and a few props of said film. With a gaggle of 20 somethings looking to party, booze and screw their brains out, you just know an monster of moral standing will wipe them all out. This is Crocodile a.k.a. Crocodile 2 a.k.a. Flat Dog.


OooOo, I sense a railing death.












Yes shocking our film has alternative titles. Many people outright smack this film for the lesser CGI croc effects, the CGI blood spatters, the atrocious acting and piss poor script lacking even a decent protagonist. Honestly this feels a bit like Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, I think this film was just a goof for Hooper and he just had some fun. Let's dive in and see what's what, shall we?

As we open in our film, we have to establish that roads are a concept. Seriously the camera shows a road with some vehicle trekking at a fast clip. Cut to our main characters/doofs. Brady (Mark McLachlan of Crocodile, Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat, Hometown Legend and Freshman Orientation) and Duncan (Chris Solari of Zoe, Duncan, Jack & Jane, Crocodile, Family Law, Entourage, Irish Twins, Quitters and Lady Hater) ready for Spring Break via partying and boozing. Yup nothing but deep motivation and virtuous thoughts for the weekend. Thankfully our town's sheriff, Bowman (Harrison Young of Waxwork II: Lost in Time, Guncrazy, Humanoids from the Deep, True Vengeance, The Game, Expose, Primary Colors, Saving Private Ryan, Durango Kids, Witness Protection, Starforce and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation) got his eyes on these whipper snappers in his here bailiwick. Yeah felt like I was watching Friday the 13th after the kids get the cop's warning. Sadly no Crazy Ralph hiding on their houseboat to issue death curses and general nuttiness.


She's on a rampage...

 










So Brady, our less than noble protagonist has a love triangle going with his decent, sweet college girlfriend Claire (Caitlin Martin of Crocodile, When Billie Beat Bobby, 7th Heaven and Without a Trace) and his ditzy Rainbow Brite hairdo girl Sunny (Sommer Knightof Undressed, Crocodile, Wednesday's Child, The Lyricist Lounge Show, Love Comes Softly and American Grace) Brady and his brohans stumble across a large nest of eggs. Naturally we need to smash them and chuck them in the water. Because...douchy reasons.

Dog owning friend Anabelle (Julie Mintz of Crocodile, Once and Again, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, Boston Public, The Seat Filler, Sucker Free City, Eve, Backward Glances, The Putt Putt Syndrome, Far Marfa, It Happened in L.A. And Moby: Mere Anarchy)is...there. Mostly she just hangs out with Claire.



Claire is outraged and sneered at for giving a damn about living creatures. Yup the party knobs clearly need to be gobbled up. Prior to this brohan level of frat douchbaggery, the sheriff finds a couple of hillbilly fishermen torn to bits and finds the remains of a large egg. Thinking it clearly is an alligator attack and goes to the local alligator farmer, Shurkin (TV and Film character actor Terrence Evans of The Incredible Hulk, Falling in Love Again, The Greatest American Hero, Hardcastle and McCormick, The Dukes of Hazzard, Pale Rider, Nutcracker: Money, Madness & Murder, Curse II: The Bite, Alien Nation: Dark Horizon, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager and Madam Savant) and now we have our Chief Brody and Quint stereotypes at the ready, each sounding like Billy Bob Thorton's Carl from Slingblade so it's gonna...yeah it's going to drag some more. You see, the croc is now on a rampage. Driven to madness by the senseless slaughter of her unborn young she will shuck and devour folk on the lake like so many oysters.


A vapid pretty boy. Go figure.












Shurkin and Bowman are on the hunt and not so subtly hint to Eaten Alive, adding a never seen character Harlan who built a shrine to Sobek, the Egyptian crocodile god, yeah it goes on quite a bit. Shurkin believes his pa was devoured by this very crocodile and his grandfather as well. We are tallying almost 96 years of life of this particular croc and now it's a matter of family vengeance. Shurkin may have dropped brown acid in his day.

Now the better written character of guts and cunning, Princess. Yes I am referring to the poodle in our group. Anabelle's little beasty possesses greater brain power than the whole party and why not? She's not drinking, screwing her wheels off or making pointless comments about the croc attacks. Our characters are very one dimensional and you don't care if they get eaten and apparently almost 100 year old crocs are FRICKIN' BULLET PROOF!!! Yes, bullets and buckshot just deflect off her hide. Who knew.


My mom and I sat through this squirrelly flick, riffing and mocking it. So just take your brain off the hook, grab a beer and take in this good bad movie. It's not meant to be a brilliant monster film. This is not Jaws, nor would you want it to be.

Dare ya to lick it, Slappy.


Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Countess Dracula


Apologies for being vacant to the blog. Freelancing writing and Rotten Riffs writing has made me busy. So after a series of different film requests, I decided I would pick my own review for a change. I felt like exploring towards a Hammer film. It's been awhile so clearly it is time to give it a view. Our story is an old tale of Countess Elizabeth Bathory and her unique bathing habits of virgin girls' blood. This is Countess Dracula.


Ms. Pitt if you're nasty.












Released back in 1971, this was a double bill with Vampire Circus during its marquee debut. Wasn't that a nifty film fact?

Brought to us by director Peter Sasdy (Journey to the Unknown, Journey Into Darkness,Taste the Blood of Dracula, Hands of the Ripper, Doomwatch, Nothing But the Night, Orson Welles' Great Mysteries, 1990, Return of the Saint and Sherlock Homes and Doctor Watson) and I last beheld his work in Taste the Blood of Dracula. Our aging countess Elizabeth (Ingrid Pitt of Where Eagles Dare,The Vampire Lovers, Countess Dracula, The Wicker Man, Octopussy, The Comedy of Errors, Doctor Who, Bones, Underworld and Hanna's War) discovered a way to revive youth, beauty and even sex drive by bathing in the blood of young women.


Gypsies, tramps and thieves...












Her faithful servant and lover Captain Dobi (Nigel Green of Zulu, The Ipcress File, Jason and the Argonauts, The Ruling Class, Clochemerle, The Protectors and Gawain and the Green Knight) in league with her maid Julie (Patience Collier of House of Cards, Baby Love, Every Home Should Have One, Perfect Friday, Countess Dracula, Fiddler on the Roof, Endless Night, Shoulder to Shoulder, David Copperfield,Who Pays the Ferryman? And Sapphire & Steel) as she commands them to fetch young, nubile girls for draining the precious bodily fluids (Yes I did make a Doctor Strangelove reference.) Also how convincing is your argument telling subordinates to capture young women for nefarious deeds, let alone where do you conceal the bodies?

So to conceal her nefarious deeds, the countess takes on the persona of her daughter Ilona (Lesley-Anne Down of The Smashing Bird I Used to Know, All the Right Noises, Assault, From Beyond the Grave, Brannigan, The First Great Train Robbery, Hanover Street, Arch of Triumph and Nomads) of which she sent the good Captain to watch over her and while the cat's away the mouse picks up a new lover in the form of Lt. Toth (Sandor Eles of Marked Personal, The Tunnel, Love and Death, Eleanor Marx, The Assignment, The Foundation, The Treachery Game, Crossroads and Sherlock Holmes and the Leading Lady).


This necklace will really accent my breasts.












After using the blood of a prostitute, the adverse effects cause the countess to age rapidly and the town historian, Fabio (Maurice Denham of Animal Farm, The Alphabet Murders, Nicholas and Alexandra, The Day of the Jackal, Behaving Badly, Lovejoy, Inspector Morse, Peak Practice, The Bill and Pie in the Sky) has noticed the steady decline of virgin girls. I guess he has a doctorate in that too. Maybe he has the stick from Lair of the White Worm, the virgin dowsing rod if you will. The saddest problem is the town while under superstition, and they really have no true desire to send out search parties for these missing girls. This has been going on for months and what? It was a series of wolf attacks? Some wily bear murdering young girls? I just wondered how they justify their cowardice.



Now some fun film facts. Oh suck it up and just read.

Elton John makes a cameo appearance as one of the villagers and yes I immediately recognized the ROCKET MAAAAAN... Ingrid Pitt replaced Diana Rigg for the lead role. Apparently Ingrid Pitt was voice dubbed and she was pissed at director Peter Sasdy for such and refused to speak to him again.

As this was a bit typical for Hammer at this timeline, that sexy girls on the screen kept men's butts in seats but you probably already gathered that. With this said, the costumes, the orchestral soundtrack and professional film crew does the film justice. No I am not anti-boobies, fellas. It does just get a tad bit tiresome after enough of these flicks. Yes the parable or allegory of aging gracefully, being jealous of the young and how women are often judged by aging are all here. In spite of her monstrous ways of slaughtering girls, you can't help but feel bad for her as well. It is a true split of horror and compassion.

Sorry I heard nothing. I was gawking at your breasts.