Mercenaries

Hey folks.  Back again with purpose.   So what do you get when you cram 80s, 90s and current action heroines in an Expendables clone but protagonists are female?   Well, The Asylum (Sharknado, Flight 666, Z Nation, Isle of the Dead, Little Dead Rotting Hood and Megashark versus Kolossus) folks decided to give it a shot. Will this be entertaining or will I want to whack myself in the head with a hammer? This is Mercenaries.

Okay, strip search ladies.

Annnd we got alternative titles. Yeah that will never leave me. These alternative titles are Prison Raid and Expendables 3.0

Under the wing of director, Christopher Ray (Shark Week, 2-Headed Shark Attack, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus, Circus Kane and A Second Chance) we have a meat and potatoes kind of film.  It's filling.  

 The President's daughter is journeying throughout Kazakhstan (in Russia for those out of the loop) when a ruthless warlord (or is that warlady?) Ulrika (Brigitte Nielsen of Red Sonja, Cobra, Beverly Hills Cop II, Domino, 976-Evil II, Chained Heat II, Snowboard Academy and The Hustle) holding the girl for ransom. The price? Oh the US only has to wipe out her competition for her to take over the government. Seems a bit Iran Contra for me but hey, not military so there you go.

On a side note, these seasoned, hard as nails gunmen/soldiers are not only taking orders from a woman but have no problem with her being installed as the new dictator of the region? That's surprising and disturbingly progressive of them.

Take that, camera man!

Naturally the CIA's finest is on the case. Mona Kendall (Cynthia Rothrock of China O' Brien, Above the Law, Honor and Glory, Lady Dragon, Undefeatable, Eye for an Eye, Sworn to Justice and The Hostage) gets the info on the base being a former Soviet gulag named "The Citadel" that just got lost in the paperwork and regime change. I can see that happening.

Rather than send a CIA task force in Russia due to the big scandal and international diplomacy issues, Kendall assembles a team of hardened criminals and give the full pardons Snake Plissken offer. So enter our collective of bad ass ladies. Guess Kendall just has detailed files on ex-military assets at her office. Makes you wonder how many off the books, black ops she runs, right?

Ex-Marine Corps Sniper, Kat Morgan (Kristanna Loken of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, BloodRayne, Painkiller Jane, The L Word, Burn Notice and Body of Deceit), Former Delta Force Cassandra Clay (Zoe Bell of Kill Bill Vol 1 and 2, Whip It, Bitch Slap, Game of Death, The Baytown Outlaws, Django Unchained, Raze and Camino), Former CIA agent Donna "Raven" Ravena (Vivica Fox of Independence Day, Batman & Robin, Two Can Play That Game, Boat Trip, Kill Bill: Vol 1, Kill Bill: Vol 2, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Hitman: Absolution, Sharknado 2: The Second One and Independence Day: Resurgence) and pilot/explosives expert Mei-Lin Fong (Nicole Bilderback of Clueless TV series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Paper Bullets, Dark Angel, Castle, The Wrong Nanny and A Second Chance).

Hey, how come I don't get to whoop ass?

These four will infiltrate and extract the President's daughter alive. Sure, sounds like a cake walk. With Ulrika's wave of soldiers and mercs, the ladies have their hands full and they will deliver. With a helicopter insertion (Penis Joke!), our team sneaks in. 

Shockingly enough, Ulrika actually has a right hand man Grigori (Tim Abell of Soldier of Fortune, Inc, We Were Soldiers, Soldier of God, Trouble Creek, Whiteblood, Z Nation and Circus Kane) who handles the morale of the men, deployment and seeing to the overall security.  Gotta say, he's not really great at it.  Brigette needs to have a "Bob, gun," discussion with him.

Okay mild handful of complaints and then I will cease. One tons of CGI blood spatters and CGI muzzle flashes. I get that.   Not every film has the budget to toss in a weapons expert and firearm drill training so this is a quick Airsoft purchase and post production gig.  The use of slo-mo to draw out the fight sequences.  A little goes a long way but when it happens that often, kind of takes you out of the fight scenes.   Again, cost of a hand to hand choreographer gets pricey but maybe find an off-duty SEAL or Marine Recon and give him a couple hundred bucks for his or her inconvenience?

All-in-all this isn't a bad film. It does follow a simple formula of uneasy team up against the bad guys for the greater good and start forming a comradery among each other.  To say this is solely the "Chick Version" of The Expendables is insulting and really does a disservice to the film, its cast and crew. I had fun with it, the one liners were decent but a bit predictable.

Still, it's worth a view. Mind you, no Werebears with miniguns like yesterday.

Pew pew pew!!

976-EVIL II

A Jim Wynorski film with jiggly girls and alternative titles??? Okay I'm in. Yeah I said it. This could be very well be entertaining. This sequel is the continuation of an evil phone service...FROM HELL!!!! Or at least we presume it is from hell and would like to not think an Archangel that was bored.   With this enduring from its predecessor, this call service of evil perpetuates further, disrupting more lives and leaving in the hand of our protagonist.

This is 976-EVIL II a.k.a. 976-EVIL II: The Return a.k.a. 976-EVIL 2: The Astral Factor and Astral Factor.

We open with a young blonde getting some laps in and eerie music building suspense to a wall mounted telephone? Ahh what is that, Millennials??!! Is that some primitive form of communications device?!

Pert Plus keeps the demons at bay, Laurie.

A minute thirty annnnd first shower scene. Well to be fair, no one wants that chlorine smell on their flesh or hair. Scrubbing away her troubles until the lights start flickering and electronic synthesizer kicks in, hinting to danger. Practically see through in her white shirt and towel, our brave swimmer gathers a look about. With supernatural shenanigans going on, the whole place locked down and near hobo janitor (Buck Flowers, character actor) passed out, an ominously dressed fellow in a suit stalks the young lady Laurie (Karen Mayo-Chandler of Beverly Hills Cop, Explorers, Hard to Die and Prince Valiant). His flamboyancy just screams, "High School Drama director" as he does away with our plunky teen with...a prop stalagmite? Loved the set though. Looked like something out of Dante's Inferno.

We cut to credits opening and we catch back up with Spike (Patrick O' Bryan of You Are The Jury, China Beach, No Holds Barred, Relentless, 976-EVIL and Blood and Concrete) and yes I don't mean Buffy and Angel Spike. Sorry. This gent was busy sending his possessed cousin to Hell and is now hitting the road on a Harley, pushing and defining the bad boy look.   Not really sure what he does for money.  Maybe he had life insurance on his cousin Hoax and cashed in after his...disappearance.   Also not really certain if he and his bible thumping aunt are talking ever again.

Can't see a damn thing with these fog machines going.

Spike seems to be a fish out of water or a man without a quest. His theme music is reminiscent of Ennio Morricone's Fistful of Dollars theme. Similar but alas no it is not. Do like the steel guitar strumming in the background. Plot point action news alerts Spike to a strange body count of co-eds in a small Californian community of Slate River. This disrupts the beer swilling, chicken wings scarfing and potential nudey girl dancing. Sorry bro. It almost seems like Spike is a Hunter of the Supernatural.. huh huh, ya get it? Hey, if this cat can thwart Satan, I think it would be good to have him in your corner and hopefully he won't go all Tommy Jarvis screaming.

With an ominous phone call to his favorite hotline, Spike knows he has been called back into the supernatural again so he rides towards it like Johnny Blaze and nothing like Nick Cage. Seriously, those Ghost Rider flicks were painful.

Sheriff Stone (Paul Coufos of Chopping Mall, Gnaw: Food of the Gods II, City of Shadows, Days of Our Lives and Mortal Danger) brings in the dean of the college, (Rene'Assa of Quantum Leap, Postcards from the Edge, The Flash, Baywatch and The Destiny of Marty Fine),  Deputy Taylor (Philip McKeon of ChiPs, Alice, Favorite Son, Red Surf, 976-EVIL II and Sandman) seems...mildly concerned.

Ah Brigitte is keeping Spike abreast to the situation.

Student senses tingling as young Robin (Debbie James of Mistress, Quantum Leap, Round Trip to Heaven, Herman's Head, The Underground, L.A. Heat and Close Up) seems to possess latent psionic powers, mostly seems like psychometry (the ability to read events, people and places from objects) and is now aware that the evil that has been in her town for four months may have an even darker purpose.

As luck, fortune or happenstance takes place, Spike and Robin run into each other as if their lives were orchestrated to do such. It be the will of the fates!!!

Our demonic dean is not disturbed by his cell for stone wall does not a prison makes, nor iron bars a cage as he is able to astral project and reek havoc.

Can Robin and Spike stop this evil from happening??? Will they be able to prevent more deaths???

To be honest, I felt the pacing of the original film was a bit slow and Wynorski kept a good steady momentum going. I damn near had an aneurysm trying to remember the full storyline from the first movie, but the continuation still has puppets enslaved to dark forces and seeing the lovely Monique Gaberielle of Chained Heat, Not of This Earth, The Return of the Swamp Thing, Uncaged and Angel Eyes is always a plus. Debbie James gives a pretty good performance and genuinely seems determined to see this to the end.

Almost like Satan doesn't want to tip his hand this time around and goes through catspaws easily swayed due to lust for power, greed or wanton behavior. Also let us not forget Brigitte Neilsen (Beverly Hills Cop II, Red Sonja, Mission of Justice, Chained Heat II, Body Count and Doomsdayer) adding the much needed spooky yet seductive witch type. That being said, I couldn't get over her giant shoulder pads on her Gothic outfit.

Much love to be had by this sequel developing Spike further and enjoyed the kids sitting down the Night of the Living Dead. So yes, once again I had fun. My only complaint, no more follow-up sequels.

Union nap.