Pumpkinhead

Howdy gang! I hope you enjoyed that ridiculous video review of Billy the Kid vs Dracula.

That took far, far too long to finish but it is done! Okay funny note, as many articles I added on here from epinions.com, I somehow skipped a decently creepy film. Today's movie hails from MGM and United Artists making a chiller film with an amazing practical effects creature from Stan Winston's Studios plus he helped with the story and directed our movie. This is Pumpkinhead.

Now massage my corns, Lance.

We start off with an odd prologue in 1957 seeing a farmer with his wife and son, Ed refusing shelter to a doomed soul. The man screams, begs, swears and howls in terror as something from the night kills him.

Flash forward to a present day era, Ed (Lance Henriksen of The Terminator, Aliens, Millenium,Alien 3, Dead Man, The Quick and the Dead, NCIS and The Blacklist) is all grown up with a son of his own is now a general goods store man. Amazingly enough no old guys out widdling wood for pipes or toy soldiers.

With a gaggle of promiscuous and rambunctious teenagers (Because don't almost all these movies start that way?) are out and about dirt biking riding, partying and getting ready for the big orgy, one of them accidentally ran over a small boy that happens to be Ed's son. Joel, (John D'Aquino of SeaQuest DSV, Matlock, Melrose Place, Murder, She Wrote, Seinfeld, Sliders and Crossing Jordan) drunken dirt biker ass decides to be worried...about his record and starts freaking out as the rest of the group came back to the cabin they were staying at for the weekend. Joel knocks one of his buddies out, rips the phone cord out of the wall (this is that old timey land line phones many of you younger readers may not know about) locking him and a girl in the closet so they can't alert the cops. Apparently he is on probation for a similar incident. So how many kids has Joel ran over?

Man, I hate those kid shaped road cones!!

Believing the cops are useless, the loss of his son with the fact his wife died giving birth to their boy has overwhelmed Ed with grief, that he knows what he must do. Yup not call the cops or grab a twelve gauge pump hunting the guy down revenge style. Nosiree, he must journey to visit a crazed witch deep in the woods who will bind Ed's soul to this revenge golem known only as Pumpkinhead. Could be a demon too. They were never really clear. The creature is loosen on the world in search of righteous cruelty.

This demonic entity starts roaming the woods as Joel starts to reflect on his asshat ways and proceeds to head out to turn himself into the cops when his girlfriend Maggie (Kerry Remsen of A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Appointment with Fear, Tribes and Round Numbers) hears her name being whispered and goes out to investigate because...well Horror movie obviously. Steve tries to save her but is immediately gacked by this spindly tall monstrosity and drags Maggie away with him.

The dreaded and feared demon, Snappy.  He bites.

Unfortunately given it was his and his late son's blood to resurrect Pumpkinhead, Ed must bear witness to the horrors the creature is inflicting on the kids. Regardless of his need for revenge he cannot stand the sight of these murders.

He begs the old witch to release the creature and put him back so he can do no more harm but the witch laughs saying it's too late and once it is done, Ed's final price will have to be met.

Can Ed lift the curse? Are our hapless and helpless teens done for? How often does this creature make the rounds in these here parts?

This film marks Stan Winston's directorial debut. Many critics were blown away by Winston Studios monster but felt the plot was lacking. Dave Kehr of the Chicago Tribune went on the record saying, "As a technician, Winston clearly knows how to make a monster, but as a director he was yet to learn how to bring one to life."

Personally the family vengeance angle, coupled with grieving father driven to near madness was a compelling idea but the story itself was a bit slow. I mean you have love, loss a need for revenge and even some redemption and okay so it moves a bit slow but that also allows for when the creature will strike next. My only complaint was the creature itself revealed too early. Do a pee wee or extension arm slash and gutting effect first, then crank up a wind machine, a bit of lightning to unveil the beastie at the beginning of the third act.

Lance is what truly keeps this film interesting. Watching him going through this barrage of emotions is impressive and brought his "A"game to it.

This is a surprisingly original atmospheric horror film that gets the most mixed reviews.

At the end of the day, I enjoyed it. I do own a copy of it so that should be proof right there. Impressive effects, performances are done well and overall not too shabby.

Pumpkinhead ensures better gun safety regs in the woods.

Stan Winston's Wrong Turn

Ah nature. She brings us water, fresh air, forests to burn down at a whim's notice. Helpless creatures to shoot, skin and cook. That being said, today's requested film will keep most of you out of the woods period. Welcome back to the humdinger today is the Stan Winston production throwback flick, Wrong Turn.

Kids, tobacco is wacko if you're a teen.

Directed by Rob Schmidt (Speed of Life, Crime + Punishment in Suburbia, Wrong Turn, The Alphabet Killer, Fear Itself and Masters of Horror episode) teamed up with sensational writers Alan B McElroy (Halloween 4: Return of Michael Myers, Spawn, The Marine, Thr3e, Tekken, The Marine 4: Moving Target, The Perfect Guy and The Condemned 2) giving us a return to yesteryear. A young couple just have to do some mountain climbing, right? I think that is just freehand climbing or...you know what? I don't care. This is just another contrite means of distracting me with either a graphic murder/jump scare or alluding to a jump scare. Too many jump scares, modern horror. STOP THAT. What's that? Boyfriend's rope went slack and he went deathly quiet? Oh he's pulling a prank on me. Tee hee, I left my brain at the bottom of the mountain.

So we are on the road now with Detective Quinn who doesn't like gridlock apparently. A shame he couldn't used his phone to alert him of traffic conditions. The radio does that too, Joey! Taking a quick route to a rural gas station at the corner of rapey gas station and hillbilly banjo playing cliche, Flynn played by Desmond Harrington finds a less traveled gravel path way through the mountains and back to the main overpass. If I was reading it right, it may actually be a decent short cut. Old Man attendant goes back to spacing off and scratching those story line much needed balls as Flynn gets back on the road less traveled in the hopes of getting to California quicker because... yeah I don't remember why he is even going to Cali. Dexter's in Miami, dude.

Next time on Dexter...

Well done. It's only a parked car you slammed right into. Next time drive staring ahead where you are driving instead of out of your upper eye lids. Jagoff. How the hell was that even possible you ask? No clue. Derptity derp derp.

Detective Flynn flies head on into an obviously parked car. Starting to see why Dexter is still running free.

And remember Horror movie rules, people so cell and smart phones are useless. By the by, this almost feels like exploitation territory except the cast clearly has touch ups and decent foundation.

Our collective camping nitwits are out because Jesse (Eliza Dushku of True Lies, Bring it On, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Catwoman, Batman: Year One, Dollhouse Wet and Open Graves) had a bad break up. Psst, Flynn. Rebound sex is possible so don't screw it up by talking. Son of a bitch, he blew it!  4 of our party decide to go further down the road and look for help given they need new tires. Homemade spike strip assured that. Why don't we all go back the road we came from?  Shaddup!  We ain't got time for your logic!  Well why don't we all go together instead of leaving two of us behind??

Don't breathe....and don't fart really loud either.

Time to thin the cast. Cause weed means a horrible person. So a plethora of horrible weapons used to dispatch our fun loving hippy types and I have had no emotional investment in any of them so I am mystified on how I should feel.

Emanuelle Chriqui of 100 Girls, The Steps, Murder in the First, Entourage and Killing Jesus and Jeremy Sisto of Clueless, Hideaway, Ice, Law & Order,Wicked City and Rent Control are commonly tremendous talent but....not so much here. They leap when they should look ,they speak when they should think and die when they could have avoided it altogether.

So what can be said about this film? Well the FX, make-up and what practical effects were made looked awesome. Some of the CGI wipes, additional and green screens weren't bad per say but I have seen better. Story? Don't go camping in the woods, trying to give the Friday the 13^th element back to camping or the Jaws theme of going into the water if you will. It took me what felt like ice ages recognizing actors Lindy Booth and Kevin Zegers because I was not a huge fan of the Dawn of the Dead remake.

A retro-gradation story-line that they should have to dropped it in late 80s or early 90s so the cell phone angle a tad more believeable, plus I really wanted to hear one of the cast use gnarly or bitching. Again not a bad film some of the camera effects were a nice touch. I saw an Dario Argento or more specifically Mario Bava influence with a close-up on eyes and mouths. So impressive were the gore effects practical that I felt the CGI slapped them in the face not matching them up.

With Stan Winston Productions handling practical effects, Hillbilly murderer makeup and static wounds, it would almost be a true 70s grindhouse horror if not for modern elements. Hell I say toss it back into the 70s. Music, clothes, lingo and make it just flow naturally, man. Some Three Dog Night in the background. Hell not like you couldn't find a 1974 album or song title for your Horror

Stan oversaw the makeup, appliances and also his company produced this film so you know he didn't just get his hands dirty. More like his arms were chest deep in a man's sternum.

With all these known quantities maybe that is why the actors feel wasted in this flick. Would have been better with a cast of unknowns and maybe either Sisto or Harrington as a state trooper following a missing persons/death statistic rate hunch and stumbles upon the inbred, redneck mountain men.

This way the kids have a cop to hide behind and he plays mentor to instill some hope and courage in them before he nobly sacrifices himself to save their lives a little bit longer. What the crap?

OoOoO a cut above the rest.

I am so writing this script.