Snake in The Monkey's Shadow

Hey folks, I'm back. So a friend of mine pointed out this particular movie this morning and I had not seen hide nor hair of it prior, that can be a hit or miss for me. With the scanty information on this film via IMDB, I had to go to The Movie Database and the Martial Arts Movie Database. Yeah there are a few setup that way. This is Snake in The Monkey's Shadow a.k.a.Snake Fist vs the Dragon.

Look at this poor posture. Shameful.

Hmm the alternative title sounds like an nearly cinematic gay porno. Eh, no matter.  Our movie opens with a serious demonstration of Snake style Kung Fu versus Drunken Monkey Kung Fu. Already I am thrilled. It's a martial arts expo if you will for three minutes. It is similar to Ninja Death II and Sho Kosungi's demonstration in Enter the Ninja. The intro title credits song is reminiscent of Fists of Fury or at least that is what it sounds like to me. Look I have seen a fair degree of flicks, they tend to blur into one another.

One accomplished master snake who apparently has been killing off other practitioners of martial arts challenges a monkey master. I am a bit appalled as this has been told to us by the narrator. I mean surely they have some authority they can turn his mass murdering ass over to?

Asian Mark Hamil?? Perhaps.

Long story short, Snake loses to Monkey. No shocker there. Ah Peter Gabriel jokes...that no one got. Boy the meat slappers got a lot of work on this picture. Oh sorry. A foley or sound effect for strikes were two paddle with steaks attached to the paddles and slapped together for a smack strike.

Pretty sure nobody wanted those steaks after a two to three hour recording session.

The main story starts with a boy named Liang (Because don't all films start that way?). Liang (John Cheung of Massage Girls, Super Dragon, Godfather's Fury, The 36^th Chamber of Shaolin, 2 Wonderous Tigers, Winners & Sinners and Bloodsport) is a lowly fishmonger. Hey, the kids bullying him kept saying it so it must be true. Liang becomes obsessed with Master Ho (Chiu-Sing Hau of Five Superfighters, Jade Claw, Stroke of Death and Shaolin Drunk Fighter) and his school of drunken boxing. He heads out to drop fish off to the local nobles, the Yans when the younger brother of the Yans slaps him around and mocks him claiming Liang is the new family dog.

Ho is begged by Liang to join his school but is tossed on the streets. The rate they were going I was waiting to hear Aladdin's Riff Raff, Street Rat song. Yeah the whole town basically treats him like a joke.

ACK! Getting your bill, sir. Yessir!

Enter Koo an accomplished drunken master taking pity on Liang and proceeds to instruct him. He treats Liang like utter crap and Liang starts at the Ho's school as a cleaner. Liang has excellent photographic reflexes as he watches the students and improves in technique and form. Begrudgingly, Ho allows Liang to join the school.

The Yan brothers mock Koo and Master Ho weeps the walls with the snotty punks. Naturally this can only mean the Yans' honor is besmirched and they will have satisfaction. They actually hire contract killers to put Ho and Liang in their place...of death.

Yeah the scumbag snake that fought Koo earlier in the film is back with a partner and they are looking to raise some hell for the right price.

What does this mean for Liang?? Will Master Ho be defeated?? Will they go full Fists of Fury and try to take down Ho's school??

Okay yes the dubbing is a bit painful but not compared to Ninja Death I and II. The dialogue however...well that is a bitter pill to swallow. The choreography and fight sequences are downright amazing, plus all the wire work for leaps.

Seeing three completely different sets of Kung Fu was actually a sight to behold. Snake seems fierce but is limited to mostly mid level strikes and kicks. Drunken allows for more limber movement that appears erratic. Monkey is pure mimicry of an actual monkey movements and attacks. The combination of Drunken and Monkey was difficult to follow.

Okay the story of humiliation and revenge from heartless bullies is a trope many of these films share but as a whole this was enjoyable.  Again the dialogue was shaky but the fight scenes did make up for a lot of it.   All in all, 7 out of 10 for me.   I may not come right back to it for another viewing but I had a good time with the picture overall. 

MONKEY COMBAAAAAT!!!

Blastfighter

So back again. Thought this time we would head back into exploitation. This time around we hit Italian Action under the helm of Lamberto Bava (Devil Fish, Demoms, You'll Die at Midnight, Demons 2, Delirium and Turno di notte) Son of cinematographer/director Mario Bava (also known as the Godfather of Giallo movies). Today's film follows a revenge story of a ex-cop going to completely sick house on the men that wronged him. This is Blastfighter a.k.a. Force of Vengeance.

Pew!  Pew pew pew!!

Former officer Jake "Tiger" Sharp (Michael Sopkiw of 2019: After the Fall of New York, Devil Fish, Blastfighter, Massacre in Dinosaur Valley and Bad Dog and Superhero) has been released from prison after murdering his wife's murderer. 7 years served and Jake is sprung. FYI, the credits are bonkers. They shift all over screen during stoic no conversation car ride. His buddy Jerry hands an ex-con a Smith & Wesson .357 Magnum and Spas 12 shotgun. Um not sure if Italy is as severe as the states are with allowing violent ex-cons with firearms but it is a big no-no stateside.

US wise, this shotgun became infamous or deemed cool in Sci-Fi/Action thanks to the 1984 James Cameron film, The Terminator during the police station massacre. To follow-up the pump action or semi auto shotgun, this thing has been equipped to launch mini rockets, dragon's breath (magnesium phosphate rounds), rubber loads, AP (armor piercing) and standard 12 gauge double ought. WHAT THE HELL??!!!

That's far enough, Three Dog Night!

Contemplating bloody murder for the attorney that sent up the river, Jake has a last minute change of heart to pass on being sent back and gives in to the idea to make his way to the Appalachian mountains. Fun tidbit, no follow-up to the whole revenge on the attorney subplot. Yeah! Just dropped like a steamy elephant turd and on his way. Blastfighter! The Waffler!

Perhaps the fresh air and cabin life in the wilderness might calm his urge to kill. Unless his porridge is just right then at least three bears will bust in the door, eat his porridge, crap on his floor and mock him profusely.

The composition sounded so familiar and that's when it hit me. Gotta be Fabio Frizzi (Godzilla, Zombi, Contraband, City of the Living Dead, The Beyond, Manhattan Baby, Pieces, The Scorpion with Two Tails, Devil Fish, and Tentazione) the go-to composer for Lucio Fulci, Bruno Mattei, Lamberto Bava and Claudio Fragasso. So that's a good thing...I think.

Getting back to our story you'd think being 7 years in the jug would have sent him woman chasing for at least a solid week. Again, just my realm of thinking if I had to go without sex (not excluding attempted bad touch in the prison shower) with a girl.

Hey, that's not Bronson!

Stocking up on supplies at a general store, I swear Jake passed a grown up version of the banjo playing hillbilly kid from Deliverance. Hoyt Pollard that is.

Attempting to make some semblance of a normal life, Jake has his very strained daughter Connie (Valentina Forte a.k.a.Valerie Blake of Cut and Run, Body Count, Arrivederci Roma, A Wonderful Family, Il giardino dei ciliegi, Mi manca Marcella and I ragazzi del muretto) come and visit him. Seriously man from one Jake to another; invite some girls out and burn off some...aggression?

Well as man plans, the gods do laugh because trouble is up on the ridge as Jake's deer get shot and taken. These inbred hillbillies threatened his life and told him off. Another fine example of civilized men. They have bagged at least 8 deer which any ranger worth his salt is giving them so many citations it's going to cost them into the thousands.

Jake gets hip to a Hong Kong poaching ring that uses the parts for Chinese herb remedies and are cleaning up. Didn't realize powdered deer penis went that great but folks got allergies.

Naturally hillbilly gun nuts are considerate to Jake's feelings, family life and overall health. Oh wait, no they are not.

Feeling like a mixture of Death Wish and Straw Dogs, Jake has his hands full with some poachers that just got to prove their might by popping deer. As if that wasn't enough, the leader of the poacher ring, Tom (George Eastman of Anthrophagus, Absurd, Cannibal Holocaust, 2019: The Fall of New York, Warriors of the Wasteland and 2020 Gladiators) who looks like a hybrid of Kenny Loggins and Nick Nolte is the man with the plan. Yup the crap hit the fan and it was on high.

Following the tropes of the vengeful ex-cop getting revenge and it feels like the film is just building up and counting down the seconds for the bloody rampage to happen. The thing is Tom and Jake were childhood buddies long ago and Tom really doesn't want to have to deal with Jake in the final sense.

Between the eco-system destruction, the high deer kill counts and impending bloody rampage to ensue, this actually is a decent flick. The pace is even and not as slow as I thought it would be. The only gripe I have had was the English dubbing. The translation from Italian to English is awful with swearing. I mean the poachers first meet Jake, tell him to f*ck off and turn their backs on the guy armed with a semiautomatic shotgun. He could have smoked all three before they could have spun around and leveled the rifles. 

 A quick spoiler, yes lady readers there is a rape subplot once again.  Sorry.  I could have done without it too, but I thought you should know.  In case you went to go watch it.

During the erstwhile vigilante justice, this film makes you know that it is making an eco plea. Think of it as a precursor to On Deadly Ground, a decade before. It was actually a fairly compelling story and has some solid action, so overall was a good action movie.

Maybe it's a telephoto lens?

Bloodline

Hey folks back again. Looks like I have been requested by producer/director Benny Tjandra of Syndicate Smasher gave me a brother seeking vengeance/justice but it is also old school martial arts so yeah I can't walk away from that.

Also Benny is a very nice man and blowing off decent folk is not my style. Who knew the title was that popular, I mean there are commonly subtitle but hey we will persevere.  This is Bloodline a.k.a. Love Sick 2.

So from there on in, I was known as Mr. Clean.

On a serious note, Bloodline as a title and subtitle as far back as 1979 as a title itself.

We open with a somber musical score as our production titles fly by and...a sex scene. Okay won't be taking any screenshots here. A man and woman realizes the spark is gone out of their love life and she wants to know what is all the brooding about. Ran Keo has a lot of his mind, primarily who had the guts to kill his brother and how he is going to spread those guts all over the walls.

Flashbacks that intertwine with present day manhunt in Cambodia, it is obvious Ran Keo (Director/Actor Sam B. Lorn of Moneybally, Seven Psychopaths, Trade of Innocents, The Hangover Part III, Daddy's Love and No Escape) he did not get all his answers, we cut to Long Beach with a cop duo Kong (Daniel Lue of Loaner, Pure Genius, Lucifer and Bosch) and Tara Cruz (Mojan Nourbakhsh of Running the Code, Daddy's Love, Straw Dolls, Armenia, My Love... and Bloodline).

Also I don't know if the syndicate is supposed to be 14K triad or Taiwan's Bamboo Union Gang. Hell they could be Malaysian pirates for all I know.

Kidney punch!

The leader of the mob, Vinny (vo and actor James Taku Leung of Lovesick, Man of a Thousand Faces, Call of Duty: Black Ops, Resident Evil 6, Palace of the Damned, Wolf Mother and Westworld) is being harassed by the detectives for a girl fished out of the river with her hands and feet slashed and burned. The dead tell no tales and such.

True to his word, Vinny sics his high priced lawyer on the department with the D.A. Akemi (Gina Hiraizumi of Port Charles, Soap Girl, Camp Utopia, Only the Brave, Castle, Never Say Never, Deadly Sins and The Fast and the Fierce) and department Captain (Larry Wang Parrish of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Late Autumn, The Republic, Imperial Conquest, Desire Street, Client 14, Operation Terror and Grand Theft Auto V) give them the ritual buddy cop ass chewing of going over their authority and how dare they break procedure.

Uh oh, we ran out of gas.  We're gonna make out now, right?

Ran meets up with Nimol (Mia Sun of Lure, Going Home, Trade of Innocents, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, No Escape and Small Talk) who gives him vital information on his chase of these volatile men...mostly to avenge her daughter. There's definitely more going on in that scene but I am not one for spoilers.

Vinny explains to his number one man Sonny (Stuntman/actor Vaughndio Forbes of CSI: NY, Resident Evil: Vengeance, Extraction: Genesis, Vain: This Party Sucks, Black Panther and Bloodline) that this situation has been building up for over ten years and someone has been talking.

Now just a few comments on our director, Sam B. Lorn.  He has spent his indie days after being educated in New York Film Academy and worked every aspect of film and distribution for Assembly Films, Screen Gems and The American Museum of Natural History Shelter Films.

With engrossing the Khmer-American views and stories to the movie industry, he managed get thee 2005 film, Lovesick with minor aid from Angelina Jolie.   Several of the actors from Lovesick is probably why Bloodline's working title is Lovesick 2.

The cops are going to be plenty busy picking up after Ran's spree and you'd think they have to stop and wonder if they just give him enough time, will most of these scumbags be dropped and is that a bad thing.

A few points on the protagonist, Ran can take and give a beating. He is driven by the needs to set these wrong doings right and really doesn't care about what happens to himself. That is a dangerous man to cross.

Really felt like a love letter to Michael Winner's Death Wish with Charles Bronson or perhap John Woo's Hard Boiled with Yun-Fat Chow. Solid handheld camera work, good martial arts choreography, a real throwback to the late 70s to early 80s action dramas of the time.

  Now understand, that the violence is nowhere near either of those films.  Toning it down was actually a good way to go in my humble opinion but still comes off as a hard nosed guy wanting to take the lives of the men that stole from him so much.

Sam B. Lorn gives a substantial performance as an actor and this cast and crew move like water under his direction. I hope to see more of his work in the future. Definitely a name I will be keeping track of.

Okay that is just pretty to stare at.

Karate Girl

Back again blog fans. Man, it's almost like I do this regularly. Scheduled a haircut for today so I can actually get some filming done on Phantasm II video review.   Guaranteed to be a tooter and a titter. Today's film has a ring of infamy.  Okay, sit down and I will explain.  As some of you may be unaware, the country Turkey has had some stringent rules about TV and Film.   Issues with nudity, graphic violence and even cursing in their films.   So with that in mind, imagine such films as Ms. .45 and I Spit on Your Grave being the inspiration for today's flick but not being able to show that same level of vulgarity, violence and depictions of rape.  This is Karate Girl. a.k.a. Golden Girl Karate Girl.

The subtitles mock her gun handling.

Yes, that alternative title was so absurd I felt it deserved to be given its due.   We open with title cards and a piano score which ends abruptly.   You know how most scores will fade out?   Well, this one just ends.  We see a gorgeous view of the land, a bit of waterfront and what I took to be a dingy blonde handing out flowers.  Oh wait, that's our protagonist.   Now understand this, she appears to be a bit simple, mute and selling her father's flowers for money.

Not exactly the beginnings of an antihero story arc, right?   You can't have Harry Callahan trimming a Banzai tree and then minutes later, blasting a guy in the chest. Our little blond is known as Zeynep (Filiz Akin of Fluffy dreams, Little darling, Separation, Sweet Language, Bitter Life and I cry), whose life consists of tending to her farm, cooking and cleaning after her father who works primarily in his greenhouse.  Yeah so, after peddling flowers that somehow almost everyone is accommodating to throw her the odd coin for, she heads home for a lengthy walk, cleans the place up, does the laundry and cooks for dad.

Turkish Randolph Scott senses danger.

Due to lengthy exposition plot dump, we find out they have saved enough money to get Zeynep an operation to get her voice back.   Oh happy day, callooh callay.  Unbeknownst to our simple farm folk, a gang of thieves, murderers and rapists escape in the middle of the night from a secure prison and are on the loose.

They sneak their way on the farm, help themselves to food, the saved money and kill dear old dad. The shock and trauma gives Zeynep her voice back and a burning determination to seek revenge. Well bright side, you don't have to save up money again...except for dad's funeral expenses.

The police try to see if Zeynep knows whether or not the fugitives at large are responsible by supplying her with the blurriest photos of each men in a slideshow presentation.  Looked like these things were taken underwater and out of focus.   Zeynep plays dumb and claims she doesn't recognize these men as she will hunt them down herself.

A stranger comes to her farm, asking for shelter and food for a day's work.  Name of Murat (Ediz Hun of I will cry for tomorrow, My life is yours, Rose, All mothers are brothers, Separation and Doubt),our handsome stranger strikes a rapport with Zeynep almost instantly.   Yeah they really need to understand the importance of a title card, wipe or dissolve. These tools establish time has lapsed.

Peasant by day, leather momma by night.

Murat shows her how to shoot, react to combat and gives her advice on what each objective must be in order to win the day and not succumb to the darkness of a gun. She must control her actions, aim for the heart, catch flies with chopsticks and never go the path of the Dark Side. Yeah, I may have encountered a few mentor characters in my reviewing.

Will Zeynep get her revenge? Will handsome Murat take her as his own? Can the jump cuts in this flick not be so jarring???

Okay a bit of trivia now.  In 2012, a viral clip of this very movie when on almost every social media possible, calling it "the worse movie death scene ever".  By that, they clearly meant the worse death scene placed on film because it is far too over the top and goofy.   Thankfully my version has a voice over during that so I do not have to hear the minute and seven seconds of a guy screaming from multiple gun shots.

Yeah it goes on quite a bit and is hammy but not longer than some death scenes, including Sleepaway Camp's pedo chef scalding screaming scene or the 2 minutes and 15 of Heather death of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation sequences. That being said, it's painful to behold.   So poorly done.

Our Turkish cuts of film is extreme jump cut endings with nothing formulating time difference, a transition if you will.  Nothing of film technique like a dissolve, wipe or fade to point out that scene is finished and onto the next one.  Seriously, a guy is mourning his brother dying in the hospital and the abrupt move to the next scene without any resolution.

So yeah, at best you have ideas, concepts trying to be put across.  Um, the actions scenes are passable but the overall execution of movie is lacking.  This is ideal for a drinking game for film makers. AHHH! Out of focus! Drink!   Ahhh not properly blocked!  Drink!

Feel free to work on riffs for the film.   I know I want to do a bit of that writing but again, I put it on YouTube and no one sees it. Awww Sad Clown.

Tomorrow busy with being an extra on a indie film so no write ups on Wednesday. Ta ta!

Filiz Akin is Turkish Policewoman...in Color.

Pumpkinhead

Howdy gang! I hope you enjoyed that ridiculous video review of Billy the Kid vs Dracula.

That took far, far too long to finish but it is done! Okay funny note, as many articles I added on here from epinions.com, I somehow skipped a decently creepy film. Today's movie hails from MGM and United Artists making a chiller film with an amazing practical effects creature from Stan Winston's Studios plus he helped with the story and directed our movie. This is Pumpkinhead.

Now massage my corns, Lance.

We start off with an odd prologue in 1957 seeing a farmer with his wife and son, Ed refusing shelter to a doomed soul. The man screams, begs, swears and howls in terror as something from the night kills him.

Flash forward to a present day era, Ed (Lance Henriksen of The Terminator, Aliens, Millenium,Alien 3, Dead Man, The Quick and the Dead, NCIS and The Blacklist) is all grown up with a son of his own is now a general goods store man. Amazingly enough no old guys out widdling wood for pipes or toy soldiers.

With a gaggle of promiscuous and rambunctious teenagers (Because don't almost all these movies start that way?) are out and about dirt biking riding, partying and getting ready for the big orgy, one of them accidentally ran over a small boy that happens to be Ed's son. Joel, (John D'Aquino of SeaQuest DSV, Matlock, Melrose Place, Murder, She Wrote, Seinfeld, Sliders and Crossing Jordan) drunken dirt biker ass decides to be worried...about his record and starts freaking out as the rest of the group came back to the cabin they were staying at for the weekend. Joel knocks one of his buddies out, rips the phone cord out of the wall (this is that old timey land line phones many of you younger readers may not know about) locking him and a girl in the closet so they can't alert the cops. Apparently he is on probation for a similar incident. So how many kids has Joel ran over?

Man, I hate those kid shaped road cones!!

Believing the cops are useless, the loss of his son with the fact his wife died giving birth to their boy has overwhelmed Ed with grief, that he knows what he must do. Yup not call the cops or grab a twelve gauge pump hunting the guy down revenge style. Nosiree, he must journey to visit a crazed witch deep in the woods who will bind Ed's soul to this revenge golem known only as Pumpkinhead. Could be a demon too. They were never really clear. The creature is loosen on the world in search of righteous cruelty.

This demonic entity starts roaming the woods as Joel starts to reflect on his asshat ways and proceeds to head out to turn himself into the cops when his girlfriend Maggie (Kerry Remsen of A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Appointment with Fear, Tribes and Round Numbers) hears her name being whispered and goes out to investigate because...well Horror movie obviously. Steve tries to save her but is immediately gacked by this spindly tall monstrosity and drags Maggie away with him.

The dreaded and feared demon, Snappy.  He bites.

Unfortunately given it was his and his late son's blood to resurrect Pumpkinhead, Ed must bear witness to the horrors the creature is inflicting on the kids. Regardless of his need for revenge he cannot stand the sight of these murders.

He begs the old witch to release the creature and put him back so he can do no more harm but the witch laughs saying it's too late and once it is done, Ed's final price will have to be met.

Can Ed lift the curse? Are our hapless and helpless teens done for? How often does this creature make the rounds in these here parts?

This film marks Stan Winston's directorial debut. Many critics were blown away by Winston Studios monster but felt the plot was lacking. Dave Kehr of the Chicago Tribune went on the record saying, "As a technician, Winston clearly knows how to make a monster, but as a director he was yet to learn how to bring one to life."

Personally the family vengeance angle, coupled with grieving father driven to near madness was a compelling idea but the story itself was a bit slow. I mean you have love, loss a need for revenge and even some redemption and okay so it moves a bit slow but that also allows for when the creature will strike next. My only complaint was the creature itself revealed too early. Do a pee wee or extension arm slash and gutting effect first, then crank up a wind machine, a bit of lightning to unveil the beastie at the beginning of the third act.

Lance is what truly keeps this film interesting. Watching him going through this barrage of emotions is impressive and brought his "A"game to it.

This is a surprisingly original atmospheric horror film that gets the most mixed reviews.

At the end of the day, I enjoyed it. I do own a copy of it so that should be proof right there. Impressive effects, performances are done well and overall not too shabby.

Pumpkinhead ensures better gun safety regs in the woods.

Meh Movies: Prey of the Jaguar

Hey there. Finishing the Meh Movies we have a story of revenge, avenging the dead and an Australian man wearing an outlandish costume. No not Chris Hemsworth. Not everything is Chris Hemsworth. Sheesh, you people. No instead we have a former Spec Ops soldier avenging the death of his wife and son in an costume that would have made M.A.N.T.I.S. feel off. This is Prey of the Jaguar.

Umm grrr. hiss, hiss.

Well noted prisoner Damien Bandera (Trevor Goddard of Nowhere Man, Yesterday's Target, Fast Money, Mortal Kombat, Assault on Devil's Island, Deep Rising, Babylon 5 and JAG) has to be transferred and you know it is a good budget when I notice the tags for the men's names are done up in Sharpie magic marker. I am not kidding. No velcro tags for this boys, it's Sharpie or nothing.

 Looks like they stole a bus bench and bolted it in a Ecoline 350. Solid transport for the villain. I was amazed the lights worked on it. With his collective cadre of over the top henchmen, they proceed to drop the 4 man team and move the transport and rescue their boss. One prison guard announces to his former partner he is scum in such an ridiculous fashion. Sadly he was only two days to retirement. My bad by the by, as Trevor Goddard is not the hero but the villain and further oops as he is English not Australian. My humble apologies for the presumptions.

Credits rolls as we are treated to a rotoscoped Master Ninja training montage.  MASTER NINJA THEME SONG!!!   I guess we can expect a white ninja to the likes of Franco Nero only many times less cool. You ain't Django, Maxwell Caulfield.   Former Special Operations Agent Jason Sheppard/Derek Leigh (Maxwell Caulfield of Grease 2, The Colbys, Dazzle, The Nanny, Empire Records, Sundown: Vampire in Retreat, Smut, Eragon, Cry of the Winged Serpent and NCIS) is blissfully unaware of the impending doom of his family as notorious Damien is a free man. He gabs with the pregnant wife and even chatters with his imaginative son about a superhero costume he had Mom make for him he devised for his own. Talk of retirement, Leigh is made aware that Bandera is loose by his former Commander (Stacey Keach of Mike Hammer P.I., Raw Justice, Caged Seduction, Texas, Young Ivanhoe, Escape from L.A., The Pathfinder, Future Fear, American History X, Titus and Icebreaker) visits him, gives him the skinny and assures him that he is not known by Bandera being alive and well. Yet he felt the need to drop this news in person.

Greetings....wussy!

At his worksite, Tanaka and Bandera make their way through a few workboys leaving a trail of bodies meet up with Leigh and feels the need for exposition as Bandera establishes he killed Leigh's wife and son off-screen. Well at least we were spared that. Shooting Leigh in the chest with a flask in his pocket saved his life.

Meanwhile detectives Cody Johnson (Linda Blair of The Exorcist, Exorcist II: The Heretic, Hell Night, Chained Heat, Savage Streets, Bad Blood, Grotesque, Silent Assassins, Witchery, Nightforce, Sorceress, Scream and Supernatural) Roger Bentley (Tom Badal of Love Streams, Out on Bail, I,Madman, Destination Vegas, Treasure of the Black Jaguar and The Miracle) are hot on the case with only 3 weeks to retirement. Yeah it is an old gag. I'll drop it. Love how Bentley fired up a stogie on the crime scene. I'm sure that won't contaminate evidence whatsoever.

Leigh pops awake (No broken bones from his swan dive or ribs cracked from close range gun shot) and takes Johnson and Bentley's unmarked fleeing home for his big NOOoOOOOOooOO speil that all avenging heroes get to do at least once.

Mood lighting and dry ice means I'm in the netherworld, sweetie.

Hell I am still trying to get past his cheesy mustache. It looks like it was spirit gummed on his face. With nowhere to turn, Leigh visits an old weaponsmith/mechanical engineer he saved and has his suit made by him. Such technological marvels like a weighed and balanced throwing knife which I though was going to go through Caulfield's hand if he fumbled it. Apparently he builds weapons for the "Organization" now and is supposed to give Leigh the brush off.

The clandestine organization didn't realize the platonic love they share or possibly he was bored.

With the help of Master Yee (John Fujioka of American Ninja, Hiroshima: Out of the Ashes, Martial Law, Father Dowling Mysteries, The Road Raiders, Paint it Black, Freddy's Nightmares, Friday's Curse, The Munsters Today, American Samurai, Mortal Kombat, Wirehead Sega CD and Walker, Texas Ranger)giving Leigh a refresher course and hopefully months in his montage set him on his path, Leigh is ready to become...the Jaguar.

Evil or swarmy?  Only you can be the judge.

With Master Yee's blessing every cliche has been managed. The one-liners, the non-lethal attacks, the former warrior made up with peace must take up arms again. God's sake I was waiting for him to be in a Soviet copter blasting rockets at a Vietcong outpost.  Film flubs of composite armor's plastic restraint decoupled, the shoulder pads constantly bounce upward because they are not fastened to his arms, the crossbow probably beating a tattoo into his back as he ran and the stripped face paint was a bit much. It does look better than the Ultimate Warrior granted but not nearly functional as the film wants you to believe.

Director David DeCoteau (Shrieker, Puppet Master III, Curse of the Puppet Master, Voodoo Academy, his 1313 franchise, Blonde Heaven, Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island and Petticoat Planet) had his hands full with this. Looked similar some of the DC Comics superheroes of the 90s and I was entertained but not in the sense of action packed fun. So it was unintentionally funny.

Even my cheesy mustache can't cheer me up.

Godfrey Ho: Zombie vs Ninja

Hey folks. Back again. You know I have read and seen plenty of the versus titles. From crossover rival comic books to Freddy Vs Jason, I have viewed and leaved through my far share of versus combo platters that baffle the heart and mind. And then I came across today's title that just made me a bit slack jawed. So join me for Zombie vs Ninja.

You feel as goofy as I do?

Classic definition of Zombie is: (The body of a dead person given the semblance of life, but is mute and will-less, by a supernatural force, usually for some evil purpose.) Now let's look up Ninja: (a member of a feudal Japanese society of mercenary agents, highly trained in martial arts and stealth hired for covert purposes ranging from espionage to sabotage and even assassination.) So how terrifying must it be for a skilled assassin to dispatch the roaming undead? Our story begins with a buck toothed undertaker/Kung Fu master whooping three guys fresh from coffins. Our zombies perhaps? They fight for a few minutes and then go back to their coffins due to dawn. No zombie activity thus far as I write this I am in for 30 minutes. The main story is about a Chinese man in ancient times named Ethan. Sure it is.  Ethan was beaten down by a group of thieves who then kill his father. Swearing blood oaths and vengeance he seeks them out. Hmm. To punch this up we could make him a Ghost Rider. Nah, that would be silly. We will call this movie part 1.

Not since Mickey Rooney's yellow face have I been so offended.

Due to piss poor splicing and bad editing, movie part 2 has our other hero name of Dragon (Pierre Kirby and yes Cinema Snob fans, that Pierre Kirby) or Duncan as he is credited in the film as he must go after the thieves and their hired assassins, the ninjas. You know they're ninja not by their fighting style but the fact they are all wearing headbands with the word ninja written on it. Yup that's not stupid at all. Shameless self-promotion. Maybe they went through a warp in the space time continuum and attended a Tony Robbins seminar.

Even Rocky had a montage!!!

Ethan's father is murdered, he is left unconscious and an undertaker abducts him and begins his training as an undertaker. Ethan is so buff, he can carry a coffin on his back. Thing is well over a hundred pounds and he is wandering into the woods and to nearby villages with it strapped to his back. Ethan runs into the people that killed his father. With some advice from Dragon Duncan, Ethan begs the undertaker to train him in Kung Fu in order so he may avenge his father. Dude's training session consists of digging holes deep enough to lay the dead down and carrying a coffin full of rocks. Again, the undertaker calls Ethan soft when the facts are out that he isn't. His 80s training montage music sounds like Jan Hammer's Crockett Theme from Miami Vice, just a bit sped up is all. Oh spoilers...NO MORE FRICKIN' ZOMBIES if in fact there were any that those three dudes in the coffins.

The brightly colored, big shoulder padded ninjas must do battle with Dragon and to be fair, the action scenes aren't bad and there is some decent choreography buuuuUUuuut...I just cannot get over the fact that they all look like extras on a Power Rangers episode. I will stick with real classic struggles of ninjas against the undead like the 2008 epic story Ninjas vs Zombies and bid you good day, Godfrey Ho.

Wow two yaks humping...is what I am staring at.

Movies With the Word Slaughter in it: Slaughter Daughter

Well howdy all and welcome back for Day 4 of Movies With the Word Slaughter in it. Well this randomness has been interesting. Now we have a film with a rhyming scheme...not too sure if it is going to be something worth viewing but let's give it a whirl. This is Slaughter Daughter.

Why hello Clarice...

What we have is not the stereotypical teen slasher as it appears to be more of a revenge thriller that is amazingly not about a rape revenge so PROGRESS!!! Instead we have elements borrowed from your gritty and dirty grindhouse era with the poor print grainy look to the jarring camera angles and even some unusual music cues.

Director/writer Travis Campbell (Troma Digital Studios: A Lesson in BrownRay, Mr Bricks: A Heavy Metal Murder Musical, Return to Nuke 'Em High Volume 1 and Return to Nuke 'Em High Volume 2) has cut his teeth under Troma creator Lloyd Kaufman and spins a yarn of a failing beauty queen Farrah (Nicola Fiore of The Chainsaw Sally Show, Ms. Cannibal Holocaust, Slaughter Daughter: The Webisodes, Teenape Vs, The Monster Nazi Apocalypse, Annunciaton, Liberta, Royal Pains, Vamp Bikers Dos, Sociopathia and The Night Before) whose mind is slipping into some level of psychosis ever since she was stood up on her wedding day. With her father dead she lives with her mom and aunt who are in the closet lovers (Ew.)

Put your shoes on and get in the car, dammit!

Mom (Leesa Rowland of Satan's Storybook, Sgt, Kabukiman N.Y.P.D., Book of Love, Troma Theater, Conviction and Scriptless) is extremely abusive to Farrah, berates her constantly and drops the bombshell of being engaged to her father's best friend. Farrah proceeds to dwell in her own subconcious to escape from the really real world. From this point is when she begins to obsess over notorious serial killer Jackson Miles (Tim Dax of The Lair, Mr. Bricks: A Heavy Metal Murder Musical, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, I Spill Your Guts, Catch of the Day and Vampie).

Becoming pen pals with convicts is not unheard of but normally it is not to pick the killer's brain without a book deal or movie on the table. As a token of her affection she sends Jackson a finger in the mail landing her into a tour in the local wacko basket. Upon release she visits Miles on death row and tells him he can have her if... she can learn the art of murder.

Is Mommykins and Auntie dear in for a treat??? Will Miles just pork away and give Farrah some BS and shoo her off??

Generally speaking, the ambience of the film feels like either an early Brian De Palma movie or possibly one of Lucio Fulci's giallo movies taking its time and pacing itself. The acting is surprisingly good and the whole cast are really into their characters. Our gore gags and practical effects are quite well done and we get more kills on camera rather than a cut away or off-screen death. I am not certain I would watch it twice but in the long run it was still enjoyable, bloody and gasp, there was some nudity for ACTUAL REASONS. I know, I too was stunned.

I vant you blood!!!

Philip Marlowe Week: Nevada Gas

Well folks it is Friday and just time enough for one more adventure with our favorite flatfoot.  Seems like work has been piling up on Marlowe and he hasn’t been spending time enough with his lady friend Annie Riordan (Kathryn Leigh Scott of Dark Shadows, House of Dark Shadows, The Great Gatsby, Brannigan and Parasomnia) so it looks like he may have a little competition in the henhouse.  So pull the cork on that bottle of rye and pour me a tall one.  This is Nevada Gas.

 

Portrait of the sleep deprived

Lt. Magee: Can he sing me a spoiler?

Philip Marlowe: You ask him right and he’ll sing you an opera.

A hotshot lawyer out of Reno, Hugo Candless (Bill Bailey of Superman, Superman II, Outland, Balto and Just Visiting) is encroaching on L.A. as his new power base of law.  The guy has a sophisticated wife, a mansion in Bel-Air and all the grace and charm of a cop beating on a suspect but with the animal savvy to know where to park his money winds up in the ocean and Lt. Magee is quick to point the finger at an old two bit punk Marlowe sent up the river 10 years ago. 

Not only are we lost but I left the meter running..hahahahaha!!!!

Marlowe is not convinced and ignores Magee’s warning even after Magee tells him of two out of town torpedoes coming to do a job.  Maybe the bullet has Marlowe’s name on it and maybe not.  In his line of work, death threats are just part of the thankless job but Marlowe keeps his eyes peeled.

Ms. Riordan is entertaining a gentleman caller assistant lawyer from Candless’ firm George Dial (John Terry of The Living Daylights, Full Metal Jacket, Of Mice and Men, Trauma, Lost and Brothers & Sisters), a slick mover and shaker around town making certain every major star and starlet gets the best representation money can buy.  After meeting him Marlowe looks like he wants to play whack-a-mole with this cat’s head but just chocks it up to being a rival for Annie’s affection.

We've gotta hit the buffet before W.C. Fields does!!

Following the trail of bread crumbs it is looking less likely that “Mops” Prizzi is the one calling the shots on these attempts when Marlowe is jumped by two hoods and tossed into a car.  Not sapped hard enough Marlowe notices the smell of bitter almonds and realizes the car’s ventilation has been rigged to pump cyanide into the back seat.  Narrowly escaping the car and putting his two new playmates on the slab, Marlowe connects the dots to where this all started and finds he doesn’t like what adds up.

Friggin' squirrel darted out in front of me!

I have just a few fun facts for you about the episode now.  Candless’s limo is a prestine 1933 Touring Limousine from Rolls Royce.  Personally I fancy the 1937 Rolls Royce Phantom but that’s just me. 

The Wilcox Building acting as the Police precinct was constructed in 1895 and is remembered as home of two of L.A.’s oldest institutions; The California Club which was based in the first top two floors and Southwestern Law School. After the Sylmar Earthquake in ’71 the upper four stores were complete destroyed and the only original content to the building is the basement and the ground floor seems to jut out to the street.  Guess it is true when they say, “They don’t make ‘em like they used to.”