Incognito Cinema Warriors XP: Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory

Howdy doodly doo readers of the blog! Yeah I promise to try not to do an intro that goofy again. So we are back with the boy and bots of ICWXP as the lads partake in a snobby high end coffee sketch. Zany funsters that they are. No sooner does the monkey business end, Dr. Blackwood sends cam feed of him getting tazed and abducted by a hybrid of a hazmat/paramilitary team lead by a man in black. My heavens. Not sure why they had to go with the ball gag but I'm not judging.

Something got into Rick's hand and it went bad.

Our man in black introduces himself as Kincaid (Because Wesker would have been too on the nose) and tells them they have been experimented on by the Ludovico Corporation and it will be business as usual. Also Rick should give up thoughts of escape and kneel before Zod. With an annoying short in play and the main feature looming overhead, the fellas are a bit nervous. This is Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory.

Our short, Ghost Rider (Thankfully not starring the ghost of Nicholas Cage's career past) give a deep, sinister look into bus safety from beyond the grave... Chilling, right? Frankly the film called out for more Cage references but I digress, the boys got through it, chins held high.

The Mighty Quinn teaches 7th grade English.

During the host segment the lad and droids decide how to get to Toshi station for some much needed power converters and... Wait, that's something else.   Reminiscing over Blackwood and his nutty experiments Topsy and Cylon proceed to have their own douchy paranormal investigators series. I think it's called Ghost Jackers.  I guess it creeps the dearly departed if you start strangling the bishop right in front of them as they manifest. It would disturb me.   Also the "school" seems to be some potentially depraved old man's standing on what an all-girl school would be or operate. With its high walls and iron gates I just assumed it was a Catholic college.  This film loves three things: Cuts in the film and dialogue, lamps and letters. They are the primary focus of the werewolf movie it would see.

You've got to hide me, Rick!

Got to see Luciano Pigozzi again. Who?! Character actor of such gems as: Pigs with P.38, Evil Eye, Return of the Saint, The Exterminators of the Year 3000, Strike Commando, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2, Yor, the Hunter from the Futur and Robowar. He will need a lot of hemp before the day is through. For those of you brave enough to watch the flick he looks like a Peter Lorre clone in this flick. So what can we even say about this movie? Well first time I saw it was at 4 in the afternoon and while Rick and the bots were knocking riffs left and right and being very entertaining the pace of this flick lapsed me into a small coma, possibly it was just a nap. I'm serious, I had to sit up to watch this movie it is so poorly paced, it has next to no copy that doesn't look like a copy of Reservoir Dogs from a local Blockbuster and the obsession of lamps was eerie.

I have no idea why the bots just didn't run head on into the path of a transformer or electromagnet. Suppose Rick could have hung himself with his combat boot laces.

Favorite riffs: Must we fight in front of the Lhasa Apsos, CAN YOU HEAR ME THROUGH THE LAMP??!!! and of course, I'LL KILL YOU!!

Make no mistake, gentle readers, we start moving from the counter and explore more story in the series. A true turning point and setting the stage for Season 2. Remember to hit Cinema Warriors homesite for episodes, swag and extensive stats and bio.

Incognito Cinema Warriors XP: Bloody Pit of Horror

Greetings and salutations readers of the blog and welcome back to ICWXP Week. I know this may be difficult to comprehend but I am actually reviewing something I enjoy for a change. That being said today we move to Episode Three of Season One. More body oils than you are comfortable with viewing. More armpit stench courtesy of Italy. Yes, time for another sweaty Mickey Hargitay film to make Rick question his sexuality yet again. This is Bloody Pit of Horror.

Routine maintenance at the Cine-a-Sorrow.

Yes readers, I know that Riff Trax also did a version of this. Guess what? Still prefer this one. Directed by Massimo Pupillo (Terror- Creatures from the Grave, Bloody Pit of Horror and The Revenge of Lady Morgan) and well, not 100% sure how this was ever horrifying...in 1965...in Technicolor but there must have been someone fudging their shorts over it somewhere. A photographer, editor and former newspaper man takes an assortment of models to a seemingly abandoned castle for some "sexy horror covers" for horror novels. Yup that is truly the plot we are all contending with.

The wheels on the bus go to Hell.

But wait! What's happening to Rick and the bots?!! Well firstly the bots to boy had to sit through a short film called the Talking Car and no, amazingly enough David DeCoteau didn't write or direct this along with his sweaty, awkward 1313 softcore gay porns either. These possessed predecessors of Christine demand that young Timmy learn the see and be seen rules of pedestrian safety or they will gang up on him and spin donuts on his little soft and underdeveloped brain. Also we have a new face at the candy counter, a Professor Zediakah Logan or Zed the Head if you prefer. A sophisticated and brilliant psychologist that just happens to be a zombie head that kept his intelligence. Topsy and Cylon want him as a pet and promise to tend to all his needs.

Dude, your wingman's slouching.

Uh-oh, zombie signal!  Back to the theater of anguish and torture!!   Why torture?  Well you go ahead and look at Mr. Universe of 1955 oiling up his hands and arms and try not think of getting fisted. GO AHEAD, TRY! Ya can't do it, can you?!!   So our young models scantily jiggling about and the most dull of photo shots get into mischief as they deal with the owner of said castle/recluse/chess master and body fitness instructor played by Mickey Hargitay who lives with a deep dark secret... No he is not gay. Sheesh, if only they were that lucky. Instead he hears in his head the voice of...the Crimson Executioner!   He kinda dresses like Disco Pervy Phantom and the bright red leotards tell me he is circumcised.   Thank God I know that now.   Dude this outfit includes a cowl, domino mask commonly found on Bucky or Robin, red leotard pants and buccaneer boots. I was expecting an ass flap to go with his pants too.

Host segment takes the boys out for a nap as they are tormented in their sleep by the craggy and crotchety voice of a Model A Ford from beyond the scrapyard...OoOoOOo...

If only I was still a reporter, there might be something to this. Some "accidental"deaths occur and we should think about how much of a safety hazard the place is. Calling OSHA for starters possibly EPA. Think of the oil drizzlings at least. Given how much muscle grease Hargitay had on him, I was envisioning those stone steps as a major trip issue. Will the models survive the night?? Can anything be done to stop the madness?? Has Blackwood developed Smell-O-Vision to further mess with Rick??

Our host segments are enjoyable and for those bitching about low budget and such I remind you of MST3K's KMTA and Season 1 years and then tell you to go pound sand. The introduction to Zed was fun and the fellas embrace the inner Dio within. Plenty of good stuff here. Favorite Riff : Here for the Porno and What have you done to the Janitor. Watch and see!!

Channeling Psycho Power!!

Incognito Cinema Warriors XP: Lady Frankenstein

Welcome to the ICWXP Experience! Fasten your safety belts. Put tray tables in their upright locked positions and remember this is a non-smoking review. Today I thought we would gloss over the Bride of the Gorilla experiment for many reasons. The Warriors are not thrilled with it and given I was once part of MST3K: Second Wave and had to see that piece of crap more than 15 times, I'm not a fan. So moving on to the second experiment of first season, a bit of trashy Italian exploitation taking the Frankenstein legacy into an even more perverse nature?? Kinky.

This is Lady Frankenstein.

Dude, stop eye banging your daughter.  Creeper.

The good baron (Joseph Cotten of Citizen Kane, Shadow of a Doubt, The Third Man, The Survivor, Delusion, Heaven's Gate, Casino and Tales of the Unexpected) is up to his grave digging and re-animation ways but this time via Italy!! with his assistant Dr. Charles Marshall (Paul Muller of Journey to Italy, Vampyros Lesbos, Nightmare City, Brush with Fate, Brigands, Anxiety, and For Roseanna) they pay off grave robbers and twist God's work to bringing life back to corpses.   But wait... Isn't this about Commander Rick Wolf and his trusty tin cans yucking it up over bad films? A valid question, disembodied voice of a reader and fan.

Psst, that chair doesn't hide an erection well.

Rick and the bots proceed to clean the theater to make it habitable as Rick really doesn't want to venture out a zombie infested Kansas City, so one makes do. They let in another human name of Darrell (Nick Evans of ICWXP), a beer soaked gin weasel that gripes about having to sponge off his mom and has personal hygiene habits that would make a crap flinging monkey blush. Dr. Blackwood mercilessly send Rick and the automatons into the theater for their delightful viewing.

Darrell dining in.

The baron, elbow deep in a dead man's sternum remembers his daughter Tania (Rosalba Neri of Top Sensation, Blood River, Blackmail, The Devil's Wife, Libera, My Love, The Arena, The Girl in Room 2A and High School Girl) will arrive from university and has been certified as a licensed doctor and deemed smokin' hot. Mysterious grave robbing has been going on in the village and Captain Harris (Mickey Hargitay of Bloody Pit of Horror, Delirium, The Reincarnation of Abel, Cool Million, The Wild Wild West, Cjamango, Three Graves and Law & Order: SVU) won't rest until he finds who is the culprit responsible. With a rushed brain and not enough stimuli (like the plot), the creature rises and squishes the baron to death. Harris rushes to the scene questioning Dr. Marshall and Tania about a big man. A man that could... So with a big man on the loose bear hugging people to death, Harris is on the case.

Rick, Topsy and Cylon come back on to the candy counter to what can only be described as a total clusterf**k of a mess courtesy of Darrell. You get the vibe that the bots about to break Asminov's first law of robotics big time. From his whiny story of woe is me to his clear funk that could stagger a feral ghoul, Rick is delighted at the chance to see more of the film.

Will the man ape and robots survive this seemingly piss poor cash-in on Frankenstein?? Was there really a need for this much nudity?? Is the dubbing as bad as it seemed??

Favorite riff is the repeated No staaaaaaairs gag of which you will appreciate. With fan letters tended to, some messages via antiquated answering machine and general good vibes, the experiment is over...for now.

Ha ha. Nudity censored. Enjoy.