Killer Crocodile

Hey gang. Sinuses hate severe weather transitions. So I thought we would endure a creature feature today. Similar to the 1950s to 1960s, Atomic radiation was the cause for gigantism,mutations and rabid creatures; the 1980s was all about nuclear waste causing superheroes ROUS (Rodents of Unusual Size), CHUDs (Cannibalistic Humanoids Underground Dwellers) and those pesky Ninja Turtles. So with that trope at the ready, did I mention this is an Italian creature feature produced by Fulvia Film? This is Killer Crocodile a.k.a. Murder Alligator.

Yer dead meat, Paul Hogan!

Yessir, that is the production company who brought us eerie films like Fulci's The House by the Cemetery and The Beyond...of course they also put up money for Joe D' Amato's Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals or Marino Girolami's Zombie Holocaust. You know you have high hopes for this movie when the alternative title is about a completely different species.

Our director/producer Fabrizio De Angelis ( is primarily for action films like Thunder, Deadly Impact, The Manhunt, Operation Nam, Thunder II, Karate Warrior, The Overthrow, Thunder III, Karate Warrior 2, and The Last Match) has a tall order to fill. Radioactive creature that somehow doesn't warp the vegetation and animals around it.

A group of 20 somethings start investigating the very site. Oh Corporate America, you'd got away with it if it weren't for them meddling kids. The leader of the pack, wildlife photographer Kevin (Richard Anthony Crenna of The Blob, The Great Los Angeles Earthquake, Predator 2, Chicago Hope, Roswell and Landspeed) senses a mystery, teen gang and fires up the Mystery Machine to head into the unknown fracas awaiting them. He and his band of enthusiastic environmentalists just knows in their heart of hearts, nuclear waste is making its way into the swamps, thus damaging this ecosystem for the sake of cost to overhead. Yup, never heard that happening in a creature feature via the 1980s.

Nuclear spillage for us Gen X crowd meant superheroes, supervillains, zombies, ROUS (Rodents of Unusual Sizes), giant killer plants and more Italian post-apocalyptic futures were we wouldn't even see the millennium happen.

So I'm prescribing a topical cream for those gaping wounds.

For my younger readers, Nuclear waste or power was the equivalent of Atomic waste and power was in the 1950s. For your generation, you hear all the dangers of genetic manipulation, engineering and splicing.

Naturally the elected town officials want to keep this quiet for the sake of the population...and their re-elections. Jobs, not People! Hmm that may possibly be the crappiest slogan.

A quick side note, I can't help but feel like this is a direct competition with the Jaws franchise and the 1979 Giant Alligator but this could be my opinion and no one else. That being said, the creature attack theme sounds a bit too much like John Williams' Jaws theme track.

How much Jaws do we have? Well we have a Quint archetype via Joe (Ennio Girolami of The Nights of Cabiria, Fury of Achilles, The Feast of Satan, Sexy Sinners, The Last Shark, Tenebrae, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Escape from the Bronx, Operation Nam and Sinbad of the Seven Seas) who says the croc is as good as dead.  Veritable bad ass of our picture here, folks.  Italian Lee Van Cleef (No really, looks just like the man) swears this to be so.  Crenna's Kevin feels like Hooper and Brodie combined. 

This is a No Wake zone, ya yuppie jerk!

Let's talk about the creature itself. There appears to be the rubber coated foam one that floats in the water, the animatronic head popping out of the water and savaging the locals and a POV version showing more teeth than the entire Osmond family. Again younger readers, this is a Donny and Marie Osmond reference. Hey, nutty idea. Look some of these up yourselves.

Now overall the effects are serviceable, the bladders that seem to blood gyser their way through removed limbs could have been done with a tad more accuracy but this is still fairly experimental FX. In daylight, it looks pretty hokey. Night shots however is flat out awesome. The creature gets to pop out of the water and the ADR growls are giving it some scare. Yeah I did say growls. I know, I know. Crocs don't grow, they have a mild hiss.

Overall, you have a creature feature film that has borrowed a few ideas, tried to set it in a location of said scenarios of creature ran amok in the swamps and the officials plus some plucky kids want to stop before it's too late. Again, napalming the swamp would be bad but given the toxicity of the waters and plants via nuclear waste; the burn off might allow nature to begin anew.

The English dubbing is a bit painful and you really get the vibe the dub actors had no footage to stare at and had to go solely based on the writer's notes. (Scream like a little girl. Now scream like an elderly checkout clerk) We are not making new leaps and bounds but this being a horror film lacks nudity, mild swearing and the blood effects are tamer than a night of The Walking Dead.

Unintentionally funny and riffers would have a field day with it. Make it a drinking game to say, "Screw you, Liver." 

Jamaican does give me gas. Ah hell, looks good.

Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eyes

Okay Rotten Readers, Readers of the Rotten.  After the copious amount of Indie, A list and B-grade films, I decided I need a change. Yeah this week I am just diving into Italian movies, ranging from Giallo to action films.  An Italian Infusion if you will. With that in mind I am checking out a Giallo directed by Antonio Margheriti (Hercules, Prisoner of Evil, Giants of Rome, Dynamite Joe, The Unnaturals, Death Rage Yor, Hunter of the Future and Jungle Raiders) this is Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eye a.k.a. Cat's Murdering Eye a.k.a. Seven Dead in the Cat's Eye.

Dinner party of the Damned!!!

Yeah you have to take in account for foreign distribution and redistribution happening over the years. And re-redistribution for DVD and Blu-Ray naturally. Um anyone else feel the title might be a giant spoiler? Well at any rate, we are moving on.

In a remote Scottish village (because of course it happens in an isolated little town!) a serious brutal murder of a man happening in...well it either dungeon of torment or possibly old timey BDSM. The safety word is pumpkin. Our man of the moment is being worked over with a straight razor while a pudgy and irritable yellow tabby looks on. Maybe this murder is for Fluffy's amusement or the rats to dine on him. The rats that make squeaky toy noises. I normally use a stuffed toy mouse on a string or laser pointer. I guess my cat is less demanding.

A carriage makes its way to Dragonstone Castle, deep in the highlands of Scotland where the Scottish sound nothing like Christopher Lambert or Adrian Paul. A young schoolgirl Corringa (Jane Birkin of Blow-Up, Death on the Nile, Evil Under the Sun, La pirate, Dust, The Woman in My Life, This Is My Body and A Hell of a Day) is visiting her mother, Lady Alicia (Dana Ghia of Burn!, The Bloodstained Butterfly, My Dear Killer, Peccati di gioventu, Together Forever and California) as she has many summers at this very castle.

Thankfully she driven up by the sweaty creeper Angus (Luciano Pigozzi of The Devil's Man, King of Africa, Hatchet for the Honeymoon, The Case of the Bloody Iris, Escape from Hell, The Last Hunter and Yor, the Hunter from the Future) from Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory. A guy so ennerving around young women if he was an action figure he would come with a hypodermic needle or a bottle of ether and wet rag.

Starve your rats at least two days of optimum flesh devouring.

As they make their way through the courtyard, we get a piano chord of ominous dread and see what looks to be a gorilla peering though a window. The significance? Yeah no idea. Damn dirty ape! Given its numerous rooms, the castle seems to be turned into a boarding house or just jam packed with guests of the area. Mouseketeers! Sign off!

Father Robertson (Venantino Venantini of Warriors of the Wasteland, The Exterminators of the Year 3000, The Adventures of Hercules, Final Justice, The Erotic Dreams of Cleopatra, The Flying Devils, Ocean, The King's Whore and Tango Bar), Corringa's aunt, Lady Mary MacGrieff (Francoise Christophe of The Three Musketeers, Vengeance of the Three Musketeers, Les Thibault, L'affaire Saint-Romans, Marie Love, The Free Frenchman and Fiesta), Dr. Franz (Anton Diffring of The Man Who Could Cheat Death, Where Eagles Dare, The Blue Max and Victory), French teacher Suzanne (Doris Kunstmann of And Jimmy Went to the Rainbow Foot, Hitler: The Last Ten Days, Vienna Crime Squad, The Peppercorns and For Heaven's Sake) and her cousin and heir to the MacGrieff title, Lord James MacGrieff (Hiram Keller of Fellini Satyricon, Orestes, Strogoff, Noa Noa, Rome Wants Another Caesar and Lifespan).

Alicia and Mary are in deep conversation about the cost of the castle and Alicia simply cannot use the inheritance from her late husband other than for Coringa's scholastic and well being. Methinks hubby really didn't love Alicia much but that's just one reviewer's theory.

With the dinner party in full swing, seems an apt time to discuss family legends and curses, right?

Bit awkward to work into small talk. "So I understand when a cat walks over a casket, the deceased can end up being a vampire and plague the living members. Pass the potatoes please."

Mother, your roots are showing.

After the less than successful dinner party, Lady Alicia retires for the night...dun dun dun!!! in that she is suffocated by a pillow via a gloved hand as that creepy orange tabby watches on. Perhaps the cat controls the murderer. Slay more of the HOOMANS and then clean up my poops! Obey! OBEY!

FYI, the local law enforcement as are useful as any of the state troopers during a Friday the 13^th flick. I was surprised they were given firearms and live ammo. I wouldn't trust these collective heads of knuckle to open a can of beans that was previously opened.

With a death toll slowly building up, one is left to wonder who is the killer, why these deaths are happening and who is next?

The Techniscope is giving a great pan around, some solid zooms and really give depth into what is being filmed. Lot of hand held work, 45 degree slant shots and the editing giving the daylight shots an eerie vibe is impressive.

The castle itself is amazing but clearly not Scottish architecture as we are in Italy at Castello Massimo where all $600 sunglasses are made. See what I did there?

The musical score is excellent for setting the tone and you almost get a vibe of Agatha Christie's Ten Little Indians as a underlined theme. Jane Birkin was quite good in it and well let's face it, lovely may not cover her well enough. It was creepy, good set pace and I enjoyed it.

James' smoking hot French teacher.

Madhouse

Okay there has been requests for schlocky Italian Horror films. I guess Nightmare Beach wasn't pain enough so through the archives of Italy I bring forth Ovidio G. Assonitis (Beyond the Door, Tentacles, Steigler and Steigler, Piranha II: The Spawning and Over the Line), a grade higher than Bruno Mattei but lesser than Dario Argento is the vibe I am getting. And worry not, we have alternative titles. This is Madhouse a.k.a. There Was a Little Girl a.k.a. And When She Was Bad a.k.a. Flesh and the Beast a.k.a. Scared to Death.

Padre Bad Touch: This Fall on NBC.

Huzzah! A myriad of alternative titles! Our story is based haunting a school teacher,Julia (Patricia Mickey of Dean Martin Presents the Golddiggers, Emergency!, The Young and the Restless, Fantasy Island, Simon & Simon, Mistress, The Secret Life of Kathy McCormick and Without Her Consent) for the deaf in the deep south of Georgia. Her memories are deeply scarring apparently. She goes to visit her twin sister that is inflicted with a skin disease and it made her a bit off her nut. Guess her twin sister Mary (Allison Biggers of The Bill Tush Show, Coward of the County, Six Pack, Rearview Mirror, Doorman and Stars and Bars) is completely crackers. Nuttier than a poop log. She vows that Julia will suffer as she has suffered. So that's something they can do together.

Um, good puppers?

Her uncle, Father James (Dennis Robertson of Combat!, Tammy, Marooned, Karen, Cocaine: One Man's Seduction, Bay City Blues and M.A.D.D.: Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) urged Julia to visit twin nutter and boy that went swimmingly. Julia wants to decompress and I would say the stress primarily is from her job and not crazy twin death curse threats. I mean that was a full class room. Bizarre deaths of those close to Julia seems to be occurring, like one of her students Sasha (Richard Baker of Madhouse, Teen Wolf and The Nanny) getting gobbled by a Rottweiler. Could be a coincidence. Probably. Whatever. The neighborhood seems to be under siege by this monster dog as people are being shucked and devoured like so many oysters.  All the attacks seem to be around her childhood house she is staying in. Still potential coincidence?

Clearly she is being female and easily distracted by shoes. Y'know, prick male standard. Psychologist boyfriend Sam (Michael MacRae of Hardcastle and McCormick, Goldie and the Bears, Street Hawk, Hill Street Blues, Hostage Flight, Magnum, P.I., Summer School, 21 Jump Street and Shoot to Kill) has the warmth of a bedpan tells her she's just frazzled. He drops her off at the house and hits the gas. Thankfully her friend Helen (Morgan Most of The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo, Goodtime Girls, Dallas, The Man Who Wasn't There, Simon & Simon, and Legmen) decides to actually not a total asshat like Sam and spend the night with Julia.

Getting a little handsy, Sis!

Julia sleeps like the dead and no sign of Helen anyway. No note on the fridge or by the phone. Crappy friend? Just a bit. Julia just heads to work like it's just another day...with murders.

Uncle James and his parishioner Amantha (Edith Ivey of Little Darlings, Rearview Mirror, Home Fires Burning, Web of Deceit, Grass Roots, Love Potion No. 9, and Stolen Babies) start making their way to the basement for the birthday extravaganza. Good thinking, Padre. Hmm crazy deaths all around the district, time for a party with paper hats and cake! Yup lemonade and crappy gift cards sure do make up for THE DEATH ZONE!

Father James needs to rally as many priests to sanctify the hood. This ground is saturated in gore, sudden deaths and very confused specters. Poltergeists in the Purlieus!

Amantha notices the hefty bag is dribbling. Maybe it's gravy? Maybe it's the secret sauce from Arby's.

Will Mary spoil the party? Is Father James well?

Well a few side notes, our film has some kids getting killed in the film. Yeah that happened. I know many a folk have issues with animals and kids getting hurt, let alone murdered in film. I had to do that particular spoiler. So we have some serious gore in this flick. It is suspenseful and has its twists but felt a few spoilers were needed for tender tummies.

The film is overall shot in the Kehoe House, a formerly single-family mansion in red brick made in 1893, featured Corinthian columns. A few bay windows with single, double and even triple panned windows. Childhood illnesses and dumb kid accidents caused the whispers of kids and/or them singing in the middle of the night. Deemed haunted for decades, many a ghost tour established the Irish Catholic family and its share of terror but recently it was made into a bed and breakfast.

Because who wouldn't want to stay there? According the tourist bureau in Georgia, they are constantly booked, so what the hell do I know.

Deemed a Video Nasty in its day, it took to 2004 to get released in full version but the sound quality is just piss poor. 

Hmm, Pharfo plays rough!

Incognito Cinema Warriors XP: Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory

Howdy doodly doo readers of the blog! Yeah I promise to try not to do an intro that goofy again. So we are back with the boy and bots of ICWXP as the lads partake in a snobby high end coffee sketch. Zany funsters that they are. No sooner does the monkey business end, Dr. Blackwood sends cam feed of him getting tazed and abducted by a hybrid of a hazmat/paramilitary team lead by a man in black. My heavens. Not sure why they had to go with the ball gag but I'm not judging.

Something got into Rick's hand and it went bad.

Our man in black introduces himself as Kincaid (Because Wesker would have been too on the nose) and tells them they have been experimented on by the Ludovico Corporation and it will be business as usual. Also Rick should give up thoughts of escape and kneel before Zod. With an annoying short in play and the main feature looming overhead, the fellas are a bit nervous. This is Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory.

Our short, Ghost Rider (Thankfully not starring the ghost of Nicholas Cage's career past) give a deep, sinister look into bus safety from beyond the grave... Chilling, right? Frankly the film called out for more Cage references but I digress, the boys got through it, chins held high.

The Mighty Quinn teaches 7th grade English.

During the host segment the lad and droids decide how to get to Toshi station for some much needed power converters and... Wait, that's something else.   Reminiscing over Blackwood and his nutty experiments Topsy and Cylon proceed to have their own douchy paranormal investigators series. I think it's called Ghost Jackers.  I guess it creeps the dearly departed if you start strangling the bishop right in front of them as they manifest. It would disturb me.   Also the "school" seems to be some potentially depraved old man's standing on what an all-girl school would be or operate. With its high walls and iron gates I just assumed it was a Catholic college.  This film loves three things: Cuts in the film and dialogue, lamps and letters. They are the primary focus of the werewolf movie it would see.

You've got to hide me, Rick!

Got to see Luciano Pigozzi again. Who?! Character actor of such gems as: Pigs with P.38, Evil Eye, Return of the Saint, The Exterminators of the Year 3000, Strike Commando, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2, Yor, the Hunter from the Futur and Robowar. He will need a lot of hemp before the day is through. For those of you brave enough to watch the flick he looks like a Peter Lorre clone in this flick. So what can we even say about this movie? Well first time I saw it was at 4 in the afternoon and while Rick and the bots were knocking riffs left and right and being very entertaining the pace of this flick lapsed me into a small coma, possibly it was just a nap. I'm serious, I had to sit up to watch this movie it is so poorly paced, it has next to no copy that doesn't look like a copy of Reservoir Dogs from a local Blockbuster and the obsession of lamps was eerie.

I have no idea why the bots just didn't run head on into the path of a transformer or electromagnet. Suppose Rick could have hung himself with his combat boot laces.

Favorite riffs: Must we fight in front of the Lhasa Apsos, CAN YOU HEAR ME THROUGH THE LAMP??!!! and of course, I'LL KILL YOU!!

Make no mistake, gentle readers, we start moving from the counter and explore more story in the series. A true turning point and setting the stage for Season 2. Remember to hit Cinema Warriors homesite for episodes, swag and extensive stats and bio.

Incognito Cinema Warriors XP: Bloody Pit of Horror

Greetings and salutations readers of the blog and welcome back to ICWXP Week. I know this may be difficult to comprehend but I am actually reviewing something I enjoy for a change. That being said today we move to Episode Three of Season One. More body oils than you are comfortable with viewing. More armpit stench courtesy of Italy. Yes, time for another sweaty Mickey Hargitay film to make Rick question his sexuality yet again. This is Bloody Pit of Horror.

Routine maintenance at the Cine-a-Sorrow.

Yes readers, I know that Riff Trax also did a version of this. Guess what? Still prefer this one. Directed by Massimo Pupillo (Terror- Creatures from the Grave, Bloody Pit of Horror and The Revenge of Lady Morgan) and well, not 100% sure how this was ever horrifying...in 1965...in Technicolor but there must have been someone fudging their shorts over it somewhere. A photographer, editor and former newspaper man takes an assortment of models to a seemingly abandoned castle for some "sexy horror covers" for horror novels. Yup that is truly the plot we are all contending with.

The wheels on the bus go to Hell.

But wait! What's happening to Rick and the bots?!! Well firstly the bots to boy had to sit through a short film called the Talking Car and no, amazingly enough David DeCoteau didn't write or direct this along with his sweaty, awkward 1313 softcore gay porns either. These possessed predecessors of Christine demand that young Timmy learn the see and be seen rules of pedestrian safety or they will gang up on him and spin donuts on his little soft and underdeveloped brain. Also we have a new face at the candy counter, a Professor Zediakah Logan or Zed the Head if you prefer. A sophisticated and brilliant psychologist that just happens to be a zombie head that kept his intelligence. Topsy and Cylon want him as a pet and promise to tend to all his needs.

Dude, your wingman's slouching.

Uh-oh, zombie signal!  Back to the theater of anguish and torture!!   Why torture?  Well you go ahead and look at Mr. Universe of 1955 oiling up his hands and arms and try not think of getting fisted. GO AHEAD, TRY! Ya can't do it, can you?!!   So our young models scantily jiggling about and the most dull of photo shots get into mischief as they deal with the owner of said castle/recluse/chess master and body fitness instructor played by Mickey Hargitay who lives with a deep dark secret... No he is not gay. Sheesh, if only they were that lucky. Instead he hears in his head the voice of...the Crimson Executioner!   He kinda dresses like Disco Pervy Phantom and the bright red leotards tell me he is circumcised.   Thank God I know that now.   Dude this outfit includes a cowl, domino mask commonly found on Bucky or Robin, red leotard pants and buccaneer boots. I was expecting an ass flap to go with his pants too.

Host segment takes the boys out for a nap as they are tormented in their sleep by the craggy and crotchety voice of a Model A Ford from beyond the scrapyard...OoOoOOo...

If only I was still a reporter, there might be something to this. Some "accidental"deaths occur and we should think about how much of a safety hazard the place is. Calling OSHA for starters possibly EPA. Think of the oil drizzlings at least. Given how much muscle grease Hargitay had on him, I was envisioning those stone steps as a major trip issue. Will the models survive the night?? Can anything be done to stop the madness?? Has Blackwood developed Smell-O-Vision to further mess with Rick??

Our host segments are enjoyable and for those bitching about low budget and such I remind you of MST3K's KMTA and Season 1 years and then tell you to go pound sand. The introduction to Zed was fun and the fellas embrace the inner Dio within. Plenty of good stuff here. Favorite Riff : Here for the Porno and What have you done to the Janitor. Watch and see!!

Channeling Psycho Power!!

Incognito Cinema Warriors XP: Lady Frankenstein

Welcome to the ICWXP Experience! Fasten your safety belts. Put tray tables in their upright locked positions and remember this is a non-smoking review. Today I thought we would gloss over the Bride of the Gorilla experiment for many reasons. The Warriors are not thrilled with it and given I was once part of MST3K: Second Wave and had to see that piece of crap more than 15 times, I'm not a fan. So moving on to the second experiment of first season, a bit of trashy Italian exploitation taking the Frankenstein legacy into an even more perverse nature?? Kinky.

This is Lady Frankenstein.

Dude, stop eye banging your daughter.  Creeper.

The good baron (Joseph Cotten of Citizen Kane, Shadow of a Doubt, The Third Man, The Survivor, Delusion, Heaven's Gate, Casino and Tales of the Unexpected) is up to his grave digging and re-animation ways but this time via Italy!! with his assistant Dr. Charles Marshall (Paul Muller of Journey to Italy, Vampyros Lesbos, Nightmare City, Brush with Fate, Brigands, Anxiety, and For Roseanna) they pay off grave robbers and twist God's work to bringing life back to corpses.   But wait... Isn't this about Commander Rick Wolf and his trusty tin cans yucking it up over bad films? A valid question, disembodied voice of a reader and fan.

Psst, that chair doesn't hide an erection well.

Rick and the bots proceed to clean the theater to make it habitable as Rick really doesn't want to venture out a zombie infested Kansas City, so one makes do. They let in another human name of Darrell (Nick Evans of ICWXP), a beer soaked gin weasel that gripes about having to sponge off his mom and has personal hygiene habits that would make a crap flinging monkey blush. Dr. Blackwood mercilessly send Rick and the automatons into the theater for their delightful viewing.

Darrell dining in.

The baron, elbow deep in a dead man's sternum remembers his daughter Tania (Rosalba Neri of Top Sensation, Blood River, Blackmail, The Devil's Wife, Libera, My Love, The Arena, The Girl in Room 2A and High School Girl) will arrive from university and has been certified as a licensed doctor and deemed smokin' hot. Mysterious grave robbing has been going on in the village and Captain Harris (Mickey Hargitay of Bloody Pit of Horror, Delirium, The Reincarnation of Abel, Cool Million, The Wild Wild West, Cjamango, Three Graves and Law & Order: SVU) won't rest until he finds who is the culprit responsible. With a rushed brain and not enough stimuli (like the plot), the creature rises and squishes the baron to death. Harris rushes to the scene questioning Dr. Marshall and Tania about a big man. A man that could... So with a big man on the loose bear hugging people to death, Harris is on the case.

Rick, Topsy and Cylon come back on to the candy counter to what can only be described as a total clusterf**k of a mess courtesy of Darrell. You get the vibe that the bots about to break Asminov's first law of robotics big time. From his whiny story of woe is me to his clear funk that could stagger a feral ghoul, Rick is delighted at the chance to see more of the film.

Will the man ape and robots survive this seemingly piss poor cash-in on Frankenstein?? Was there really a need for this much nudity?? Is the dubbing as bad as it seemed??

Favorite riff is the repeated No staaaaaaairs gag of which you will appreciate. With fan letters tended to, some messages via antiquated answering machine and general good vibes, the experiment is over...for now.

Ha ha. Nudity censored. Enjoy.

Italian Dark Universe: Dawn of the Mummy

And we return to Italian Dark Universe and what would cap the week off best is a mummy movie. Technically this is a Egyptian/US/Italian venture but Italy is in there, right? Good enough! To be honest I was looking at the myriad of shark films instead. Didn't even occur to me Italian mummy flick until an hour ago. So from Egyptian producer/director Frank Agrama (Queen Kong,Birth, Around the World in 80 Days, The Man Who lived at the Ritz, Shaka Zulu, Dragon Ball, Return to the Lost World, American Strays, Robotech II: The Sentinels and Captain Harlock and the Queen of a Thousand Years) and Italian screenwriters Daria Price (Take Off, The Nesting, Dawn of the Mummy and Survival of the Fittest) and Ronald Dobrin (Queen Kong and Dawn of the Mummy) bring us our film. This is Dawn of the Mummy.

May the gods see you home.

In the year 3000 BC, after a lengthy ceremony of burying a pharaoh, his gold and slaves, the high priestess (Laila Nasr of Harry Boy and Dawn of the Mummy) invokes a curse placed on it should anyone dare disturb the tomb. And with that they seal the tomb of gold sprayed pots, an near Ark of the Covenant and six living slaves.

Cut to 1981 as tomb raiders blow a hole in the cliff face to unseal the tomb. Because of the noxious toxins released to kill the slaves, the head raider suggests giving it a day to air out. I was thinking at least two weeks and full Hazmat gear with turbine fans but that's just me. Our blond haired, blue eyed destroyer of lands and pillager of artifacts is warned by Xena (Laila Nasr) the no so much warrior princess but channeling superstition in true Friday the 13^th Crazy Ralph fashion screaming about the curse. Criminal blue eyed f**k shoots at her, scares her off and tells his hired goons to watch the cave entrance for fellow bandits. Three guys check out the cave, have their skins melted off and boom! Title card and grooving, funky New York City in view as folk walking about and getting to work.

Mila Jovavich's facial went awry!

Cut to models traveling through Giza on Jeep while Melinda (Ellen Faison of Hail, Sweet,Sweet Freedom, Love,in Strange Places, Bloodsucking Freaks,Visions and Acting Out) cannot be bothered with the spoils and wonder of the Pyramids because her toe nail polish has to be just so. Yeah she will be a main character. Grrr... Jenny (Joan Levy of Dawn of the Mummy, H.E.L.P. And The Bumblebee Flies Anyway) points out to the splendor of the land as photographer Gary (John Salvo of Dawn of the Mummy, George Washington II: The Forging of Nation, Perfect Cimes and Murphy Brown) preps for a modeling shoot. Remember this is the 80s so Vogue has big bucks to field this fly out to Giza for probably some offensive mummy summer wear shoot.

How much for the women?

Our models and camera crew get hit by the plot device and pop a tire. Our gang goes out to explore only to encounter a dead man's head in the sand. A decent prop head but hardly worth three shots worth. Personally I loved the skull and crossbones red paint to establish the thieves are carrying dynamite. Nice touch. So our jiggly girl shoot commences while more dynamite is released yet again. Pretty sure the models, male and female alike are deaf. I also can't help but notice Gary looks like David Hess just less murderous and rapey. With more spouts of the curse, the first 25 minutes drags on a bit but all our characters have been developed...as best as they can be.

The photo crew and thieves meet up with McGuffin as one of the thieves drew their attention. Well a cursory viewing later and this will be the greatest snaps in all of ze world. Somehow the heavy lamps start awakening the mummy. I figured it was the inane banter that did it but what do I know.

Thirty minutes before we get any hint to a mummy as the thieves move to their benefactors and FINALLY the mummy gets off his undead ass starting a rampage. 5000 years or not, this dude was under Operation:Dragonass. With all the heat lamps, the mummy was making like a Stouffer's lasagna...TAKING FOREVER TO COOK!!!

So a round of POV hide the creature gag is done and I am thinking,"Movie, you're called Dawn of the Mummy, stop hiding." Still love the whisk to safety to Ahmed's and he looks like Lesiure Suit Larry. He should have a neon sign over him exclaiming " Sell Girls to Shieks!"

With the mummy in hot pursuit and yet I mean slow as molasses in Boston January, our cameramen think they know a thing or two when dealing with the undead. Also those poor slaves at the beginning of the movie, yeah they're basically ghouls now. Flesh eaters still having to serve their dick of a pharaoh. No unions in servitude.

Will the Mummy bring about a biblical curse?? Is Armageddon sure to follow?? Why is the sky blue??

Practical effects wise, this isn't bad. The pacing is a tad slow and yet characters are hastily rushed in. With the smaller budget of 400k, actual pyramids and having both Cairo and Giza as your backdrop you have easily whip the BS studio productions of Styrofoam with flecked spray paint or gelatinous coating sound dampening substance. So existing structures, cities and the like give the production value an amazing level. That being said however, I was not blown away by meddling teens/twenty somethings raising the undead cliche. You damn kids!!!

Your cast is relatively unknowns that none had a breakaway performance per-say but was not a horrible movie experience. It did crack me up that Harmony Gold Ltd.was the distributor given they are better known for anime such as Voltron, Defender of the Universe and the Robotech series. Not sure were mummy movies fit on that scale.   Still no Tom Cruise screaming and close up pans of him running.

Another Jelly party takes a dark turn.

Italian Dark Universe: Monster Dog

I bid you greetings and usher you back to Italian Dark Universe because...shared universes always turn out well. Look at AVP and Freddy Vs Jason. Such cinematic delights they were. Y'know I have witnessed titanic tainted turds. I have waded through some putrified piles of puppy poop and then there is this movie. What do you get when you cross the Godfather of Horror Rock with an illustrious Italian Horror director?! Well normally if we were speaking of Mario Bava, Dario Argento or Lucio Fulci I would say an awesome sauce of film making. Alas, we have none of those men up to bat. Hell we don't even have Bruno Mattei at the helm. Nope, instead we got Troll 2's own Claudio Fargasso (Women's Prison Massacre, Rats: Night of Terror, Cop Game, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2 and Shocking Dark). This is Monster Dog a.k.a. The Bite and Lord of the Dogs.

Welcome to Alice's Contractual Nightmare...

OoO scary music with a red background and title fonts. Now I am not expecting gold but honestly this film feels like I didn't get coal in my stocking as much as a heaping collection of reindeer crap. Of all music sensations, Vince Raven (Alice Cooper of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Roadie, Prince of Darkness, Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, Wayne's World and Dark Shadows) is finished with his latest rock video (that was when MTV stood for Music Television, younger readers) and his girlfriend Sandra (Victoria Vera of Rosalia, Canas y barro, Rebeldia, Under Seige, Black Jack, Freddie of the Jungle and Private Crimes) alongside the film crew of said video suggest they film in Vince's hometown for the next hit off his latest album. We are in 1984, people. This kind of welcome home would be pitchforks and torches, possibly some Latin chanting while waving bibles and/or crucifixes.

Sheriff Bluto and Deputy Andy Gibb patrol the streets.

Former schoolmate and childhood chum is now Sheriff Morrison (Ricardo Palacios of Ragan, El Condor, Secret Intentions, The Man Called Noon, The House on Garabaldi Street and The Beasts' Carnival) greets Vince but warns him of the late night shooting would be problematic as there have been vicious dog attacks and they should stay on their toes. Now the fact there are 5 crew members shooting this video really bugged me and proved once again Fargasso had next to no budget. Seriously, five people working on a professional video shoot?

No sooner the main cast has been warned in lesser Crazy Ralph tradition, the law of the town is killed by the wild dogs. They ate the sheriff and the deputy!!! Now who will confiscate pot from teens or leer and peep on the kids at Make Out Point?!

I'm gonna drive the hell out of this scene.

The jaunt to the house is interrupted when the driver accidentally runs over a German Shepard with jump cuts. Not wanting it to suffer another single minute of being in this film I mean in pain, Vince cracks its skull with a rock. As the crew is paused of the death an old man spattered in blood attacks them announcing they will all die and then flees to the woods. So if we are to believe this lycanthrope can shapeshift...why a German Shepard? Also was his clothes nearby or do they just shift up inside of him when he is in dog form? Well the cast splits up and you know what happens from there.

Vince thinks he was bit at some point in the film and tells Sandra he cannot live that nightmare of chasing parked cars and licking his balls all the while not falling off the couch.

Other than unusual film choices, Alice Cooper may have created 26 albums, 48 singles, 11 live albums and 21 compilation albums. Six of which went platinum in the US and 2 additional went gold.

With the typical lack of continuity, editing and just decent storytelling, this film had potential. I am still curious how a rocker got dressed like a soccer dad between shoots but that was the least of my worries.

Alice Cooper has been dubbed over with a guy that sounds like he is trying desperately to be a hybrid of Raymond Burr and Edward Mannix. The blocking was terrible, the werewolf was an dry ice shrouded puppet and the rest of the cast is Italian with the exception of Cooper. Cast and directed by Italians, shot in Spain you get the feeling it was never meant for the land of the living. While the musical score was genuinely creepy, the pace was fair I would recommend this film to MST3K or IncognitoCinema Warriors XP for riffing delight.

Grr.  This is the best the puppet could do.  Grr.

Italian Dark Universe: Flesh for Frankenstein

And we are back. Last week was messed up for reasons we won't go into. Today we are going to explore more obscure Italian horror films because...I couldn't think of anything else to view. This day's viewing pleasure was financed by the legendary Andy Warhol and directed by exploitation Horror and Action guru Paul Morrissey (Flesh, Lonesome Cowboys, San Diego Surf, Trash, Women in Revolt, Heat, L'Amour, Flesh for Frankenstein, Blood for Dracula and The Hound of the Baskervilles) This is Flesh for Frankenstein a.k.a. Andy Warhol's Frankenstein, Frankenstein, Up Frankenstein, The Devil and Dr. Frankenstein and Andy Warhol's Young Frankenstein.

Well that is an impressive cazzo. 

Okay before we go into the story this movie was rated X due to its explicit sexuality and severe violence. The MPAA had a field day with this flick due to avant-garde style shooting and open sexuality that the only thing that didn't make this a porno was penetration shots.

Our movie opens in Serbia with the Baron (Udo Kier of Mark of the Devil, Provocation, The Salzburg Connection, Blood for Dracula, The Last Word, Trauma, Suspiria, Lulu, The Island of the Bloody Plantation, Johnny Mnemonic, Blade and Shadow of the Vampire), his wife the Baroness Katrin (Monique van Vooren of Tarzan and the She-Devil, The Infiltrator, Gigi, Fearless Frank, Batman and Wall Street) and their two children dwell. His obsession with creating the perfect Serbian race by creating the perfect male and female from yup, you guessed it. The corpses of many a body. Need a obsession of a perfect nose for each.

Honey get these subtitles off my throat.

Busy juggling two animated corpses, he is quite swamped with Male (Srdjan Zelenovic of I Miss Sonia Henie and Flesh for Frankenstein) and Female (Dalila Di Lazzaro of It Can Be Done Amigo, The Scopone Game, Frankenstein '80, Tales of Canterbury, The Beast, Il gatto, The Last Romantic Lover, Miss Right, Killer vs Killers, Phenomena, Sicilian Connection, Paganini, and Breath of Life) his assistant Otto (Arno Juerging of Die Kramer, Flesh for Frankenstein, Blood for Dracula, All Around Service, Ein Mann will nach oben and Didi- Der Doppleganger) brings his "A" game as true henchman form. This particular Frankenstein's sexual nature is repressed by a need for domination as he creates his new flesh golems. Yeah there was no support group for his more risque fetish.

Um...yeah he could use a shrink.

Unbeknownst to Frankenstein, his male creature was once friends with a fellow stableboy Nicholas (Joe Dallesandro of Flesh, Lonesome Cowboys, San Diego Surf, Trash, Heat, Flesh for Frankenstein, Blood for Dracula, Garden of Death, One Woman's Lover, The Climber, Black Moon, Season for Assassins, The Streetwalker and Born Winner) and his current occupation is plowing the Baroness like the back forty. Must enjoy his work.

Under the complete submission of the Baron, the creatures sat at the dinner table with his family. As Nicholas serves the family, he recognizes the male creature as his friend. Damned to get noticed, he follows the Baron into his lab only to get captured by the good doctor.

Will the animate zombie orgy continue?? How screwed up will the Baron's kids be??

So some interesting trivia. The Cinecitta was originally founded in 1937 by Benito Mussolini, his son Vittorio and the head of cinema was Luigi Freddi. Part of the Fascist era but several parts of the studio were bombed during the bombing of Rome in WWII. In the 50s rebuilt prio to Ben-Hur. Some of the battered sets were used for HBO series Rome.

So with its graphic content I can imagine the kiddies might want skip this one. So necrophilia, nudity and gore aside I am sure it's always what Mary Shelley envisioned.

So do I get my down payment, ma'am?