Misleading Title Week: Jaws 5 a.k.a. Cruel Jaws

Welcome one and all to Day 2 of Misleading Titles Week. Sad to say we are back in the hands of Italian designer impostor director/writer Bruno Mattei (Women's Prision Massacre, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, Robowar, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2, Shocking Dark and Born to Fight). Many of you that have read earlier weeks know I covered a few of his films that lift material, whole story lines or just music from more successful films. What say we take in a creature feature? A nefarious government conspiracy of a tiger shark genetically altered by the United States Navy to be a ruthless killing machine is now loose attacking the good citizens of Hampton Bay. This is Cruel Jaws a.k.a. Jaws 5 a.k.a. The Beast a.k.a. Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws.

Yes, I am a guy in a rubber suit. What of it??

With the coastal town of the fictitious town of Hampton Bay start losing vacationers left and right the wimpy Matt Hooper archetype Billy(Gregg Hood of Miami Models, Cruel Jaws and Spoken Mirrors) tells the mayor they have to close the beaches in spite of needing the tourists' dollars. Say... this sounds familiar doesn't it? Yeah, like a Peter Benchley novel perhaps. Sheriff Francis (David Luther of Only the Strong and Cruel Jaws) bypass getting a Quint and proceeds to try and close the beaches regardless what the mayor may think.

White Urkel.

The story keeps arching back to Dag (Richard Dew of Cruel Jaws, Assault on Devil's Island and Assault on Death Mountain) owner and operator of a Sea World knock-off (that has two whole dolphins and a seal)when he isn't out standing in for Hulk Hogan. Yeah this guy is a dead ringer. It is tiring work but not as much as it is to see his little girl Susy (Kirsten Urso of Cruel Jaws) to smile... and somehow fix her crippled legs. Yes, we have a heart choker handicapped character added to the alumni. Dag is up to his eyeballs in debt as he owes the landlord Lewis (George Barnes Jr. Of Extralarge: Black Magic, South Beach, Cruel Jaws, and DV8) fifteen years back rent. Meanwhile I get a note from my manager if I am three days late with my apartment's rent. Moving on, with the shark denier Mayor Godfrey makes his concerns known to shady landlord Lewis who scoffs at the mere possibility of the slightest notion of such a creature in warm waters as poppycock. Will the shark devour everyone in sight? Will Dag join with Billy and the Sheriff as their honorary Quint? Will they in fact "Need a bigger boat?"

A few nitpicks at this time. None of the stock footage lifted from Jaws and Jaws 2 meshes with the existing footage for a proper splice. Some of the footage is at night with the day shots of his actors and vice versa. I think Mattei may have also ripped off a rip-off of Jaws. Yeah not even The Last Shark with Vic Morrow and James Franciscus was safe from Bruno's fingers.

I was have expecting Devilfish and Up From the Depths to make an appearance with the stock footage. The goofs in this movie are to die for. Continuity went out the window along with integrity and originality. The size of the shark is constantly shifting from the Tiger shark it's supposed to be to a 35 foot Great White. The helicopter gets attacked by the shark when the pilot lets go of the throttle to point at the massive Great White (AGAIN) which would have made the copter crash or at the very least drop in the water. Our actors don't even have a fiberglass or rubber shark to shoot rifles and shotguns at. Of course, a Remington 12 gauge is a GUN FROM THE FUTURE according to Aliens 2 a.k.a. Shocking Dark so that may be too much to ask for. 

 Between lifting and speed up John Williams tempo theme of Jaws and the atrocious dialogue you will be in stitches as this would be an excellent movie for mocking at home. If you want danger, suspense and blood in the water... Go watch Jaws.

Quite a hardy handshake you got there, tiny dorkmeister.

Bruno Mattei Week: Shocking Dark a.k.a. Terminator II

Hiya kiddies and welcome back to Bruno Mattei Week. Well thought we would steer away from anymore over the top Vietnam films because well there is only so much stock footage explosions my brain is comfortable taking when it points out again and again we have already seen this. This time around our film hails more of the Science Fiction route in the most amusing of rip-offs, Mattei is tackling James Cameron but somehow his production team stolen the title to the wrong Cameron project and has plenty of alternative titles since then to really confuse the obscure overseas collectors. Nice move there Flora Film. This is Shocking Dark.

Tight formation, people!  With no long range weapons.

Going by the working title, our film is also know as: Bruno Mattei's Terminator II, Aliens 2, Aliens II and Terminator 2. Real creative I know but you have to admire the freedom overseas laws offer you with a psuedonym. What's that? No, no Bruno Mattei didn't swipe your movie, it was that Vincent Dawn fellow. The movie takes place in the far away future in post-apocalyptic Venice that seems to finally be sinking into the rivers... which I am not certain how they could be filming in Venice when the entire town is on the sea and I saw more boiler rooms than I did in Space Mutiny with Reb Brown screaming,"MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!" every 5 mins or so. You know it is after a major holocaust because of the foggy shots off the bay and a sign with hazard tape and electric tape warning us that Venice is off limits. Meanwhile all the structures of the city look completely intact but out of focus. Dammit Mattei spring for some scale models, low cam panning over it and then cut to some regions that could double for ruins.

Ahhh!!! My crotch is on fire!!!

So soldiers of the sad name Tubular Corporation are known as Megaforce and are roaming around this massive steam tunnel/boiler system that looks leftover from every 80s big hair band video as it provides sparks and plenty of steam. Funny how I didn't see Barry Bostwick or Persis Khambatta in it... because they were in the movie Megaforce. Crap, I should have just made a Power Rangers joke instead of dating myself YET again. As they explore the ruins of Venice armed with the high tech weapons of Remington 12 gauge shotguns and Uzi 9mms. GUNS OF THE FUTURE!!!

They are assigned to tackle guys in rubber monster suits and smoke them like a pack of Kools. Apparently they are mutations from a genetic experiment that went horribly awry. Not that you really can see that action on account of all the damn steam. I have been in saunas with less steam. I am convinced there are Turkish bathhouses with less steam. Still it is nice to see actress Geretta Geretta of Rats: Night of Terror with a less offensive name than Chocolate. I am not certain if she is supposed to be Sgt. Apone or Pvt.Vasquez but she looks mildly tough... aside from her BMX padded felt vests and cycling protective gear servicing her and team as armor. A couple cans of spray paint and some model paint to create dents and scrapes, people and boom! Armor!

Will the Megaforce accomplish their objectives?? Can they withstand the onslaught of creatures?? Should they dust off, nuke the site from orbit and have a few brewskis?

Just a few comments on the flick now. Most of the dialogue, shots and overall story-line are completely abducted from Aliens. Word for word in some scenes. Our "Newt" Samantha as an accent that sounds Solvic one minute and then South African the next so no clue. The monster suits look like something out of Humanoids From the Deep and are even slimy so kudos there.

Of course true to Mattei's style the musical score sounds pinched from a few Miami Vice episodes and even some of composer Vangelis's Blade Runner soundtrack. So if you need something to laugh and mock at, grab this flick. For quality entertainment with the same identical plot, go grab Aliens.

My God... the ruins of Venice... The horror...