John Carpenter's The Fog

Hey folks. I wanted to do a passage on the Funhouse for the passing of Tobe Hooper but I think I will have an audio review for that. So instead let's have a terrifying legend.  A ghost story of a town's past and how it effects the present. This is The Fog.

Our master of horror, John Carpenter (Halloween, The Thing, They Live, Prince of Darkness, Village of the Damned and Vampires) gathers us around a fire to tell tale of sailors that gone on the high seas. I mean we open with an eerie piano score and a quote from Edgar Allen Poe.

Well that could be anyone in all that fog. Cub Scouts probably.

Set in North Cali, in a little fishing village called Antonio Bay the town preps to celebrate in centennial as the mayor's aide and official busybody about town, Kathy Williams (Janet Leigh of Touch of Evil, Psycho, The Manchurian Candidate, Starman, Murder, She Wrote, The Twilight Zone and Halloween: H20) has managed to get the whole town in the swing of the upcoming festivities.

The local parish is looking to find records from that time in 1880 on the founding of Antonio Bay. Father Malone (Hal Holbrook of Wild in the Streets, The Brotherhood, The People Next Door, The Great White Hope, Magnum Force, All the President's Men, Lincoln, Midway and Creepshow) is digging into the archives. Meanwhile at night, a strange glowing fog seems to almost engulf the town. With fishermen out to sea and no one has heard from them since they had a near collision with another vessel. 

A pickled preacher and some vino. What could go wrong?

 During all this, the new DJ Stevie Wayne (Adrianne Barbeau of Maude, Creepshow,Swamp Thing, Escape from New York, Diagnosis Murder, The New Batman Adventures and Mad Max) is giving it her all to make your mornings bearable as the piece of driftwood her boy gave her seeps water and speaks through her 8-track and tape deck announcing" Six Must Die," in a ethereal voice.

With more crazy in the night, horns honking, Tvs turning off and on, windows shattering. Da works. Only one thing to do with this level of strange, make like Nick Castle (Tom Atkins of Halloween, Escape from New York, Maniac Cop, Halloween III: Season of the Witch, Night of the Creeps, Lethal Weapon, A Stranger Waits and Drive Angry) and pick up a hot hitchhiker like Liz Solley (Jamie Lee Curtis of Halloween, The Fog, Terror Train, Prom Night, Halloween II, Trading Places, Perfect, True Lies and NCIS) whose only crime is wanting to get to Vancouver. Sad really.

 The twosome got a little froggy in the night and then got bombarded by more bizarre phenomena. All this nuttiness started after the stroke of midnight, but our heroes don't need to know that.

Hey!  I never get a hitchhiker that hot. I cry foul.

Nick and Liz charter a boat to hit the Sea Grass and see if they can't find out where the hell all this fog originated. No sooner are they at the vessel it just looked trashed. Like it fell under a tidal wave and all the plankton, moss and water logging could happen, did happen. They also find the crew in mass levels of decomposition that occurs in weeks not hours.

With familiar faces and voices like Charles Cyphers (Assault on Precinct 13, Halloween and Escape from New York)and Darwin Joston (Assault on Precinct 13, Eraserhead, The Fog, Wild at Heart, Hill Street Blues, Coast to Coast and Gunmen's Blues) so I was safe. Best part is both these men could provide exposition and plot point drops and not feel like it got shoe horned in.

A dark ghoulish story of a town wanting nothing to do with a leper colony leading that ship to the jagged rocks leaving them to drown and die.

Sounds pretty damn festive to me. Our collective townsfolk must try to break this horrible curse before all 6 descendants die. Who knows if this even frees their souls? Maybe it will allow them to torment the town for decades to come.

With director/writer John Carpenter tipped his hat to references to Waitely Point and Arkham Reef both used by H.P. Lovecraft in a fair number of his tales. Primarily it was the influence of the The Creeping Eye that helped him pen this dark tale. Still love that the town doctor is named Phibes. Any Vincent Price fan I am aware of has seen The Abominable Dr. Phibes and Dr. Phibes Rises Again. While the main leads Curtis and Barbeau never share screen time with each other, it is rare a male writer knows what the hell to do with an actress aside from making her the femme fatale or clinging love interest. John has shown time and time again, that it isn't that difficult.

My God! She has a cigarette!! Horror movie confirmed!!!

Amando Ossorio Week: Horror of the Zombies

Back again boys and girls as we trek further into our Blind Dead tetralogy.   The opening credits start us off with the same Gregorian chant yet again and I will be buggered if I know what they speak of.   I have it on good authority that there will be some surprises in store for us this time around.   So saddle up, settle in and get ready for this whirlwind of excitement.   This is Horror of the Zombies a.k.a. El buque maldito.

Tee hee!

A’ vast maties there be spoilers on this voyage of the damned!

Moving our location we find ourselves away from Portugal and on the happening streets of Madrid and it’s fashion week…in Madrid…didn’t know that was a port of call for such so I will just smile, nod and sally forth.     We see that world of modeling through the eyes of Noemi (Barbara Rey of El chulo, Zorrita Martinez, Rostros and Vampiresas) as she is looking for her missing roommate Kathy.  Her last known location was with her employer Lillian (Maria Perschy of Man’s Favorite Sport?, 633 Squadron, House of Psychotic Women, Fox Hunt and The People Who Own the Dark), a woman so cold to the touch you could keep a side of beef in her for a month.    Lillian states that Kathy (Blanca Estrada of I Hate My Body, Suesualidad, The Book of Good Love, Las locuras de Jane and Mystery on Monster Island) no doubt is a typical dumb girl and is shirking her responsibilities and shoos Noemi away.   Noemi threatens to call the police and Lillian looks genuinely nervous.   Later that day, Lillian explains to Noemi that Kathy is fine and in a boat in the Atlantic with another model partaking in a publicity stunt for a sportswear advertising campaign.   Yeah I am stumped how that helps the shareholders too folks.   

Curse you, He-Man!

 Say, wasn't there supposed to be Knights Templar in this flick?  This is where the story sort of detracts from the story presence of the second film.  With a foundation of explaining who the Knights are, what is their purpose and overall goals this film does a 180 and just leaves you thinking, “I really could be doing the laundry now.”   Methinks the producers or money lenders had too much influence and said, “Hey we want to see jiggly girls in bikinis!”    Ossorio went on record during his interview/documentary that he was less than satisfied with this film so you can be assured there will be some chop in the waters already.

Getting back to our riveting story, entrepreneur Howard Tucker (Jack Taylor of The Vampires’ Night Orgy, Call of the Blonde Goddess, Conan the Barbarian, Panther Squad and The Sea Serpent), sporting goods mogul hired both Kathy and second model for this brilliant concept to bring vast media attention as they are…out in the sea by a main shipping route.  Tee hee girlies all defenseless and in need of rescue.    I really do not get the crux of this plan but Tucker is convinced this will net him millions, since his car didn’t do so well.  Oh wait.. that was Jeff Bridges’ movie.  Boy that sounds much better to watch.   The girls report in every other hour via CB to inform us they are fine but this time around they see in the *ahem* Fog an ancient Spanish Galleon that crashes into their little speedboat.  They are forced to climb aboard as they are many miles from civilization.  Such awesome power does the ship emit, that it can turn day into night.  And more Fog than the Carpenter flick and yet it is less dense than the models.

Jazz Hands fail!

With no communication since their last contact, Noemi threatens to go to the press and Tucker’s henchman locks her up and collars her to a cot.  Yeah so now endangerment to human life, fraud and kidnapping is the order of the day.   For a business mogul Tucker seems a bit dumb.  Clearly he needs to just take Noemi for a little drive that ends with her in a trash compactor but hey I can only do so much for the guy.   Tucker and Lillian go to the girls’ aid after making a stop at the University for an expert on 16^th century Galleons.   Keep in mind the description of the ship was so vague it bordered on a big boat.  

33 minutes go by with a tick tock of the slowest clock and finally a hint that the Knights Templar are even in this fricking movie.  OVER A HALF HOUR!!!!!   The pathetic attempt at a back story for almost every character except the ship’s parrot just drug on.   The parrot didn’t get much of a speaking part and was a womanizing booze hound. 

The production quality went really downhill, the lighting with fog looks atrocious, I feel like I watching a Scooby Doo mystery…with implied rape, slow pacing and death scenes that takes ages to start.  Yes it is about the same level grisly kills but it just felt forced.  Yes somehow we’re supposed to forget Tucker’s henchman clearly attacked Noemi prior to this rescue attempt.     That’s all for now folks.   Here’s hoping number 4 is a vast improvement.