Dismember December: Elves

Season's greetings for a hearty helping of Day 2 of Dismember December. Say...what screams out Christmas to you? If it is foul-mouthed children, Dan Haggarty minus his grizzly, moody Germans and a vengeful albino elf, than you are definitely in luck. This is Elves.

Wow, those effects are worthy of Ghoulies.

A gaggle of teenagers head into the deep woods (cue Joe Doluca music via Evil Dead) Kristen (Julie Austin of Fatal Exposure, Twisted Justice, Night of the Wilding, Smoothtalker and Extreme Justice) and her ditzy friends attempt some weird ritual against Christmas when Kristen cuts her hand conveniently raising a spawn of Hell that looks like an hairless albino troll that is supposed to be an elf.. Yup it is gonna be one of those movies.

Breaking curfew to be with her friends at which looks like 8 o' clock at night, Kristen gets greeted by a couple of slaps from Grandpa (Borah Silver of Blue Collar, The Gambler, Escape from New York, S.O.B. And Elves) for laying her hands on his FORBIDDEN BOOKS and any potential lie she may have. Mom (Deanna Lund of Land of the Giants, General Hospital, One Day to Live and Hardly Working) is a definite bitch. Sorry to lose my PG-13 mentality but that is all I have gotten from this cow. If she has occasional warmth, I am pretty certain it was fart residue.

Down and out hobo/former cop Mike McGavin (Dan Haggerty of The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams, Spirit of the Eagle, Soldier's Fortune, The Little Patriot, Grizzly Mountain, Born Champion, Puss in Boots and Escape to Grizzly Mountain) needs work badly and ends up being second choice as a mall Santa..given the other one was murdered and was probably a cat hair away from being a pedophile and serial molester... Did I mention Merry Christmas?

So in conclusion, Nutzis is the craziest peoples.

Mike's cop instincts kick in as he tries a different approach to the murder and thinks who or whatever did this, is nearby the store given the murderer snuck in and out without anyone the wiser. Kristen and friends apparently are hooking up with some boys for sex games and hey who wouldn't want to get freaky in a department store with less than clean floors. Mike crashes on a cot in former crime scene trying to figure out this symbol from a Dummy's Guide to the Occult.

Disgruntled German Grandpa gets visited fellow angry Germans that confer that after one murder of a suspected pedophile that some ancient pact made with the Elves has come to light and need to claim Kristen to further some diabolical pact in padding the film. I had to wait for 30 minutes for anything to happen after the first murder when the Germans get into a gunfight with Mike and the Elf pops in and out of scene. My guess is the practical effects guys were having a hard time moving the beastie around.

So what do we get out of this movie? Nazis, a demonic elf, dead jiggly girls and the most dysfunctional family I have had to displeasure to watch. Too many spoilers to be had and I wouldn't deprive you all of this brilliant .357 Magnum opus of a film. . Ranking in an hour and 38 minutes this horror film somehow got a PG-13 rating with its nudity, violence and enough F-bombs dropped by a 12 year old, I am confused. Yeah this was a turd in a punch bowl at a pretigous party. Skip it.

Oh no sir, I am most certainly not Oliver Platt.

Drama in Cinema: Woman in Gold

Welcome back for Day 3 of Drama in Cinema. This time around our story is based at the late Maria Altmann, a mature Jewish refugee living in L.A. With her lawyer is is dealing with the Austrian government for over ten years to lay claim to the painting of her aunt which was stolen by the Nazis in World War II. This is Woman in Gold.

A lot weighing on that woman.

Our movie opens with a flashback of a woman getting her portrait done Adele Bloch-Bauer (Antje Traue of Pandorum, 5 Days of War, Man of Steel, Seventh Son and Woman in Gold), cut to 1998 in Los Angeles where a funeral is undertaking as Maria Altmann (Helen Mirren of Caligula, Excalibur, 2010, The Comfort of Strangers, The Madness of King George, Prime Suspect, Prime Suspect 2, Prime Suspect 3, The Snow Queen and REDS) is giving eulogy for his departed sister Louisa. After the funeral Maria connects with her old friend Barbara Schoenberg (Frances Fisher of Pink Cadillac, L.A. Story, Frame Up, Unforgiven, Strange Luck, The Big Tease, The Kingdom, Eureka, Torchwood and Resurrection) on legal matters concerning her sister's belongings and papers. She wonders if Barbara can ask her son Randy (Ryan Reynolds of The Outer Limits, Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place, Blade: Trinity, Green Lantern, Safe House, and R.I.P.D.) a struggling lawyer if he can take more than a cursory glance at them and make some sense of it all. The letters consist of mention of Gustav Kilmt's Woman in Gold.

After a little legwork Randy finds the painting to be in worth of one hundred million dollars and hangs in the Vienna deemed the Mona Lisa of Vienna but it is said by Maria that it was stolen by the Nazis during the war. With the Austrian government opening borders on art restitution Randy and Maria feel they may have a case. On the flight, Maria has memories of her mother scrubbing the cobblestones on her hands and knees with Germans pointing and laughing, you see a young boy salute in Reich fashion and it just slices through your heart.

Oh for a high bell tower and some belt fed cannons.

Met with a young journalist Hubertus Czernin (Daniel Bruhl of 2 Days in Paris, Good Bye Lenin!, The Bourne Ultimatum, Inglourious Basterds, The Coming Days and Rush) he asks to be Randy and Maria's friend in this troublesome time and I am guessing to see some justice done to those pretisgous households that were wronged. Maria remembers her wedding day, surrounded by friends and family as her husband a train opera singer blesses their marriage with a beautiful song. They dance the Tora in celebration bringing joy in the home.

Maria and Randy are getting doors slammed in their face as the government wishes to whitewash their history of the shame of kneeling to the Nazi Reich and refuses to admit the sins of the past merely condemns the future in my realm of thinking. Returning to America empty-handed, Randy looks for any loophole now becoming obsessed with the Woman in Gold and determined to get Maria her legacy back challenges Austria through the means where he can. Taking his case all the way to the Supreme Court. There a nation will stand trial for ignoring a righteous claim and be held accountable.

Will Maria ever see The Woman in Gold again? Can Randy with his limited experience bring his "A" game?

A few comments on the film now.

The actual Maria Altmann passed away in 2011 at the age of 94. Helen Mirren and Katie Holmes reunite after 16 years since Teaching Mrs. Tingle. Maria's heritage of her aunt Adele's diamond necklace went to SS Gestapo Hermann Goering's wife. Andrew Garfield was originally cast as Randol Schoenberg but he dropped out and Ryan Reynolds took the role. Lucky for him.

Hey, isn't that Deadpool?

The Puppet Master Continues: Puppet Master: Axis of Evil

ey there folks and welcome back to Day 4 of The Puppet Master Continues.  I took a mild break from these to bring you a podcast yesterday and hope you all got to enjoy #2 of Rotten Ramblin' On .  That in mind I did say we would dredge into YET another Puppet Master and this is also another time period piece... which people cannot seem to research their own source material.  We move back to 1939 with the Nazis hot on Toulon's trail in the Bodega Bay Inn as Toulon (William Hickey via archive footage) has just eaten his revolver and the Nazis consider this a dead end now but we never did find out if the puppets had respond to the loss of their beloved master.  With that, a young man investigates Toulon's room and finds more than he could have imagined.  This is Puppet Master 9: Axis of Evil.

Blade returns to smite Nazis!!!

Taking place in 1939, Danny Coogan (Levi Fiehler of In the Moment, Moonshine Inc., Wolf Town, Fetching, Crosshairs and Glitch) starts us off with making a series of wooden chairs for his Uncle Len's (Jerry Hoffman of Eight Is Enough, A Day for Thanks on Walton's Mountain, The Ratings Game, The Thirst and The Things We Carry) wedding reception and we are treated to a patriotic whining not unlike Steve Rogers in how he cannot get into the army and fight Nazis due to a limp in his leg.   Danny is hip to Toulon in that he knows he is on the run from the Nazis but for what reason there is no real indication.  Danny is actually on his way to Toulon's room when he hears a gunshot and sees two black garbed men goosestep their way from the room.

The House That Dripped...Puppet Juice??

 Toulon had previously shown Danny his puppets and began telling him the tale of his formula and miracle it can bestow on the puppets.   He looks around the room and finds a wall panel that doesn't seem to line up with the rest of the room finding the puppets with re-introduction to Six Shooter and a new puppet named Ninja.

With the Nazi assassins still at large, Danny accidentally discovers a plot to sabotage a bomb manufacturing plant as he recognizes one of the workers as one of the men trailing Toulon.  Desperate to warn his girlfriend Beth (Jenna Gahllaher of Nightfall and Puppet Master: Axis of Evil) that this Max is a Nazi, she doesn't believe him and he trails Max to an old Opera House in Chinatown to uncover the plot.   Long story into it, Max sends his partner Klaus to take care of this snooper at of all places, his brother's sendoff party before he is overseas.

Klaus ends up killing Danny's mom and mortally wounds his brother.  Following Toulon's notes, Danny transfers his brother Don's soul into Ninja and the rest of the puppets are also reanimated for a showdown with some ratzis.   Will the Reich be foiled?  Can Donny be a true puppet master?  Whatever happened to Beth?

A handful of facts now about the flick.  This is the first Puppet Master movie to be shot in Asia, more specifically China.  This is also the first Puppet Master film to occur in almost seven years since Puppet Master: The Legacy.  Interestingly enough both this Puppet Master and the flick Killjoy 3 were filmed back to back then released in 2009.   Sadly I could see a bit of electric tape put around Ninja's had to hold up his katana.  There was a big debate on whether or not L.A.'s Chinatown had neon signs during the 1940s and finally director David DeCoteau decided it did and it gave the night scene more levels.   Yeah, following the trend past Puppet Master 5, there is no stop animation and more mono-filament wire.  Ugh.

Nutzis is the craziest of peoples....

Indiana Jones Week: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Howdy all and greetings to Day 3 of Indiana Jones Week.  Today we tackle what has been exclaimed as the best of the series and so on.  With Spielberg at the director's chair again we will see what this archaeologist got mixed up in this time.  You can bet it involves Nazis, a femme fatale and maybe a holy relic.  He's got a thing for history as you may have noticed.  This is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

When I grow up I am gonna pummel guys in a fedora hat.

Elsa: What's this?
Indiana Jones: Spoiler of the Covenant.
Elsa: Are you sure?
Indiana Jones: Pretty sure.



Our story opens with a flashback in 1912 of 13 to maybe 14 year old Indiana Jones (River Phoenix of Explorers, Stand by Me, The Mosquito Coast and Sneakers) out in Utah on a boy scout outing.  He finds a few men digging in a cave that found the gold cross of Coronado (the Spanish Conquistador that was reputed to found the mythic Seven Cities of Gold), Indy steals it from the tomb raiders in order to donate it to a museum.   The men give chase, Indy gets punched and gives punches, meets up with the Sheriff who demands that Indy turns the cross over to rightful owner.  One of the men tells Indy he doesn't have to lump it and maybe there will be a next time then he plops a fedora on Indy's head.

Cut to 1938 as Indy is getting punched for stealing the same cross again, the owner is most annoyed and tries to have him pitched overboard in the sea but the waves cause some serious chop, giving Indy a fighting chance.  Pummeling the bad guys, stealing the cross back and the boat blew up, Jones makes his way back to Marshall College, to tell and show off the cross to Marcus Brody.  

So you drag all men down to see coffins or am I the first?

Later that day getting mail from Venice, Indy attends an prestigious party with a wealthy collector Walter Donovan (Julian Glover of The Fourth Protocol, Cry Freedom, Hearts of Fire, The House of Angelo and Game of Thrones) who asks Jones to assist them in a new expedition to finding the Holy Grail.  The Cup of Christ that caused the Crusades.  Jones tells Donovan that his father Professor Henry Jones (Sean Connery of Dr. No, From Russia with Love, Thunderball, The Anderson Tapes, Highlander, The Rock and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) is the foremost expert on Christian theology and he is Donovan's man.  Donovan states they did contract Professor Jones and have not heard from him for some time.
 Brody and Indy check Henry's home to find the place torn apart looking at mail.  Indy looks at the small parcel in his pocket to discover it is his father's Grail diary.  40 years of research has lead this man to uncovering the location of the Grail.   As Brody and Jones head to Venice it is all too painfully obvious that the Nazis are searching for the Grail on behalf of Hitler.  Can Indy find his father and the Grail before the Nazis plunge the known world into darkness?

And now some fun facts and trivia about the flick.  This is Spielberg's favorite of the three Indy movies.  Writer Tom Stoppard (Brazil, Empire in the Sun, Shakespeare in Love and Anna Karenina) was paid $120,000 for the dialogue between Henry and Indy on the Zeppelin, in the castle and on the road.  His job was to make it emotional but no sentiment, a disconnection between father and son but at the same time the conversation should have a humorous attachment to it.  Based on its success, Stoppard was paid an additional $1 million.
After working with him on The Mosquito Coast, Ford nominated River Phoenix for the role of Young Indy based on his professionalism, preparation and honing of the craft.
Character actor/stuntman Pat Roach has been in three Indy movies as the German Mechanic Indy fights in Raiders of the Lost Ark, The behemoth Thuggee in the Temple of Doom and finally a member of the Gestapo in the Last Crusade.  At 6'5", shoulders as wide as a doorway and barrel chested, he is quite difficult to miss.   Also tangled with Connery in Never Say Never Again.

Rameirez??!!  But you died in 1541!

Eurozombie Week: Zombie Lake

Howdy gang and welcome back to another helping of Eurozombie Week and boy oh boy it just doesn’t get more depraved than this steaming pile of celluloid.   Yes while some of the better portion of the Eurohorrors could be thought provoking, amazing in the cinematography I can honestly say there is no redeeming value from the film I am about to yammer on about.  So pack up your troubles, head into the wilderness and of course skinny dip in one of the foulest looking lakes imaginable.  This is Zombie Lake.

 

Peter Lorre or dying mollusk? You decide

Morane: So, you think that spoilers killed them?

The Mayor: Yes, that is what I think.

Filmed in old school 35mm Spherical (Eastmancolor) our  picturesque pile of puppy poo opens with the an attractive young girl in a tied shirt and cut offs as she strips down.  Yeah a minute and 30 and already a wide zoom of this girl in the buff so clearly we are in for a classy flick.  Also the patented 70’s soft core porn music gives it a lecherous ambiance.   One of our gruesome ghoulie Gestapo grabs the girl into the grotto.  Hehe sorry I was having literal fun. 

Zombies attempting a rendition of Swan Lake.

No sooner has one girl gone missing a girl doing laundry is nibbled to death and her bite wound looks really syrupy and our dampened undead’s makeup is washed off quite about a bit.  The lake seems to be a focal point in this small hamlet of France during World War II.  Once long ago this lake was used for witchcraft in the purest sense and the French Resistance made a final stand against the Nazis with the help of the Allied forces and a young French girl fancies a Nazi soldier…well you get the jist of that particular 4 minute scene.   On patrol the Resistance ambushes this platoon worth of men and drags their bodies to their magically imbued lake.   Why?  Who the hell could say? 

Such a painful scene...watching this girl act.

Our esteemed mayor of the town takes a knee with a reporter and gives detail of the disturbing lake’s origin and frankly I was baffled to see an official let loose these deep dark secrets.  But enough of that, let’s jump 40 years ahead as a all-girl netball team are frolicking after a long tournament and naturally being down at the swamp fetid lake they are aching to get nude and splish splash in the waters.  As we are all aware the merest sound of water skylarking and merriment attracts underwater zombies like sharks to blood.  Well ladies I would like this opportunity to apologize how misogynistic this film is.  Yes what I am about to tell you will make you ill.

Molester Nazi Zombies is something I never thought I would have put to typing but there it is.  Yes our rotten corpses are having their way with the young netball team from multiple angles, on land and underwater.   Seriously the only thing this film is lacking is Debbie Does Dallas soundtrack and penetration shots.    

The brain child creator of this sleazy concept is writer/director Jesus Franco (Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein, The Awful Dr. Orlof, Vampyres, Zombie 5 and Killer Barbys vs. Dracula) and director Jean Rollin (The Rape of the Vampire, The Nude Vampire, Curse of the Living Dead, The Grapes of Death, The Escapees and The Living Dead Girls)so you can imagine my utter distain for this film and lack of ANY plot.   I cannot even put a trailer to this film due to the frontal nudity that practically dominates the trailer itself.   I fortunately was not completely sober to review this tripe of film.

STAY OFF THE MOORS!!!

Vampire Week: Bloodrayne: The Third Reich

What could have blades, fangs, Nazi oppression and utter lack of proper camera technique?  Am I referring to some sort of Fellini film?  No it must be the German disaster Uwe Boll. Gather up the villagers and prepare to kill the monsters.  This is BloodRayne: The Third Reich.

Guttin' goose steppers!

Spoilers are Eternal!!

Yes just went you thought it was safe to go to video game movie adaptations, director Uwe Boll (BloodRayne, BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, House of the Dead, In the Name of the King, Far Cry and Alone in the Dark) rears his head like the mythological Hydra and gives us more narrative, fast paced zooming in shots and more shaky cam than The Evil Dead Trilogy.  I have stressed this in all his films and I shall say it again.  If you have photophobia or are prone to seizures PLEASE AVOID THIS MOVIE!   That being said, the rest of us will suffer through.

So you think I need bridgework?

We recap this film with of course flashbacks to previous footage from the first two and followed with the usual unnecessary voice over.  With all the reel footage of World War II, I almost expected to hear Ron Perlman’s Fallout narrative instead.  Rayne (Natassia Malthe of Lake Placid, D.O.A.: Dead or Alive, Elektra, Bloodsuckers, and BloodRayne 2: Deliverance) returns to battle the blight known as the Nazi Party.  Boll believes in adhering to Hitchcock’s notion of reaprising familiar actors into all of his work so if you are confused why you see Brendan Fletcher and Michael Pare`of BloodRayne 2: Deliverance well these are different characters and their previous characters are in fact not immortal. 

After a lengthy battle on at an undisclosed train station and Nazis are being shot by resistance fighters or gutted by Rayne, she encounters the Commandant Brand (Michael Pare` of Komodo Vs Cobra, Eddie and the Cruisers II: Eddie Lives, Moon 44, Sunset Heat, BloodRayne and BloodRayne 2: Deliverance) and as she preps to spear him with a chunk of rebar she is shot by a soldier splattering Brand’s face and mouth with her blood.   Rayne impales Brand to the floor board and drains him.

Banter with the Resistance not withstanding she senses one of her own creation and rather that find it and eradicate it she goes to a bordello for a massage.  One of the soldiers gets rough with a girl and Rayne beats him well.  Again sensing her creation she nobly seeks…the company of a girl.  Yup, no needs for carrying out that pesky exterminate all vampires mission; bring on with the prostitutes.  Yes guys reading this you get some more BloodRayne soft core skin flick action in true tradition of the original. Brand with the aid of Josef Mangler hatches a scheme to use Rayne’s blood to strengthen the Fruhrer.  

Don't laugh...it bought me a condo.

Will Rayne get off her butt and stop Brand?  Will there be more unnecessary modern swearing mixed in the dialogue?  What of little Timmy trapped down the well?    Like BloodRayne 2, her paranormal abilities of the game and the first film are stunted and apparently too expensive for FX.  Nazis, vampires and eroticism really are a crappy blend.