Godfrey Ho: Golden Ninja Warrior

Back again folks. Pinched nerve makes it difficult to write so yesterday was off. We're back with some more Godfrey Ho flicks because vengeance for the Friday the 13^th remake! Beats demanding blood I suppose. Two ninjas operating two seperate missions end up teaming up to find the same ninja that keeps attacking them. This is Golden Ninja Warrior.

Worse bed and breakfast...ever.

Director Godfrey Ho (Inferno Thunderbolt, Ninja Destroyer, Ninja Hunt, Ninja Dragon, Bionic Ninja, Super Platoon, Project G-7, Ninja Kill and Ninja in Action)Tells the tale about a blood feud has broken out between two sects, the Red Ninja Warriors and the Golden Ninja Warriors. The intro gives a reprise to Ninja Terminator. I mean the original footage and intro showing us the titles were barely changed and this isn't even the goofiest thing attached. Our Golden Ninja isn't about a statue but in fact a girl name of Sherri Lee (Queenie Yang of Golden Ninja Warrior) chasing after a mob boss known as Four Eyes. Um I can't give you the actor's name because it does not show up on IMDB and the credits ran by at the end at F*CKING LIGHT SPEED so I am clueless to who he is.

Hi. I'm Richard Harrison.  Enjoy the review.

The typical Ho film is his own footage spliced with a failed movie, TV movie or TV pilot that went nowhere, piss poor dubbing and spliced shots to establish characters in the movie know one another and that the exposition will explain everything we know to be true in the film. So somewhere in there she is actually wearing a red ninja outfit so not very golden and she teams up with a guy Michael (Donald Owen of Golden Ninja Warrior) as they are both after Four Eyes for entirely different reasons and let's be honest, who would fear that crappy kingpin name? He is also doing this menacing laugh in almost every scene. My theory? The voice actor went over the top to either relieve boredom or camp so they would fire him and he could voice for Voltron or Robotech.

Fear the 80s hair.

One of the weirdest things is costume transition. They don their ninja costumes from a jump cut Wonder Woman like approach or a cheesy yellow smoke bomb going off by their feet followed by the jump cut into costume again. I saw this, paused and laughed. There was nothing else you could do but chuckle. One scene Sherri is fighting another girl with a fairly laughable choreography then instant costume change, more fighting and then Sherri bails all the while wearing her street clothes again. Piss poor editing and continuity you might say? Nah Godfrey Ho magic of... not really giving a crap. There is so much nudity, sex and shower scenes I am wondering what in the nine hells am I watching. Seemed like a soft core porno with ninjas. Ninja Golden Showers probably didn't help sales so not sure what else to take away from this lazy story telling, bad fight scenes and sex scenes that have all the eroticism of a cat turd. The other ninja female who AGAIN no real name attached to her seems to use the force or telekinetic powers spinning this throwing star the size of a hubcap. I was baffled at what the hell I was seeing.

The best scene with Ninja Chippie is her dagger throw that follows Sherri around the parking lot. Full on Deadite POV style. Again was it the force? Did Ninja Chippie read from the Necronomicon? Was it a Kandarian Dagger? Who the hell knows? From choppy beginning to end I was so confused by this flick, I started to think what a drinking game this would make. Transmogrifying ninja, take a drink. Random appearance of characters, take a drink. Sex scene, take a drink. You would be pie eyed before the damn thing was finished.

This also possesses the overtly used footage of Richard Harrison's ninja scenes for the intro and these scenes have been edited into dozens of the Ho Ninja titles. Yes, the same Richard Harrison of South Pacific, Giants of Rome, $100,000 for Ringo, Vengeance and Day After Tomorrow. FYI, to the ladies, there is a rape scene buuuuuut...poorly shot, jumpy editing and nothing graphic on the screen so they could have skipped it. I don't think we need, "I Spit on Your Ninja's Ancestors" but I could be wrong there.

Mom made me bundle up!

Obscure Superhero Movie Week: The Pumaman

Hello there and sorry for abandoning you last week. Impacted tooth that will be tended to shortly and I am back on the case. Now this week is at the behest of my Rotten Ramblin' On co-host Shawn, who suggested an obscure superhero week. What does this mean for you and me? Well for me, it will no doubt be pain to rival that of my tooth and for you the reader, you may have to endure some bile and venom spewed at what I am reviewing. So if dredging through TV movies and failed movie potential sequels sounds horrific, then it is time to move on for the week. Those of you that are stout of heart and courage, I salute you all for the pain or humor you will be subjected to.

Today's film is brought to us by Italian director Alberto De Martino (The Invincible Gladiator, Perseus Against the Monsters, The Secret Seven, Hecules vs. The Giant Warriors, Operation Kid Brother, Crime Boss, Holocaust 2000 and Miami Golem) who shares two films on the MST3K roster of with Operation Double 007 starring Sean Connery's brother Neil and this day's film. This is The Pumaman.

I went tinkles now let me back in the damn house!

Paleontologist Professor Tony Farms (Walter George Alton of The Users, 10, The Pumaman and Heavenly Bodies) has been feeling a sense of dread while working in the British Natural History Museum and it is no wonder. The papers keep exclaiming fit brunette white guys are getting chucked out of windows high up in the air and murdered. Being a fit, brunette white guy naturally he feels on edge until he is stalked by an enormous Aztec named Vadinho (not the onion, Miguel Angel Fuentes of Fitzcarraldo, Herod's Law, Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell, The Knife, Gunmen, Blow and Texas Rising) speaks of Tony's father, the space alien gods that have brought the destiny that is written in the stars, a magic disco belt er um Aztec medallion belt to give Tony his birthright, powers and just about everything else that could get you locked away in a rubber room.

A mystical Christmas ornament!?!

But wait, should our would-be hero not have a villain to combat? Look no further as towering 5'6" balding, blue eyed voice that all Carpenter's Halloween fans know and love, Kobras (Donald Pleasence of The Great Escape, Night Creature, Halloween, Dracula 1979, Escape from New York, Halloween II, Phenomena, Warrior Queen, Prince of Darkness, Django Strikes Again, The House of Usher and Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers) proceeds to use an ancient Aztec gold mask to... take over the minds of political officials in England. Yeah that is something I had to write. Kobras and his cronies must dispatch the only thing standing in their way to total worldwide rule is the Puma Man of which Pleasence pronounces it Pewma. Gave me a little smile.

Sir, my sweatsuit is making its own gravy.

Perhaps where pummelings and gun-play failed we throw Pumaman a sultry dame instead? So enter the girl, Miss Jane Dobson (Sydne Rome of What?, Creezy, Just a Gigolo, The Pumaman, In the Heat of the Night, Tierra de canones, Pope John XXIII and Don Matteo) who if she and Tony were to mate would provide some pretty but dopey babies. With England and soon the world to be in Kobras' pocket, the Pumaman must embrace his powers, tacky costume and fly...like a puma to do battle and save the world.

Okay due to this being a TV movie made in 1980 with ADM Film Department, it did not hit the states via CBS until 1985 so shucks I missed it. The flying scenes will make you belt out laughing due to the blue screen shots transition from day to night in a matter of a few moments, so either Pewmaman can travel through time zones like the frickin Flash with his butt in the air (harness gag wasn't set right or they had him flailing in a static pose) or they might have goofed on the screenshots. My favorite part is when Onion, I mean Vadinho tells us his people are Aztecs from the Andes plateau (WRONG!!!! That would be the Incas!!! The Aztecs hailed from Mexico, the southern regions. Look at a history book, writer!) The Casio goofy synthesizer music which is his theme song is...charming and whimsical.  Not the sound I am looking for in my superhero flick but it beats hearing that damn power chord in EVERYTHING Christopher Nolan and Zach Synder direct these days.  So honestly this is good for a chuckle as they are clearly trying to treat this film seriously in spite of the writing and lack of budget. Do yourself a favor though, watch the MST3K or Mystery Science Theater 3000 version instead. Good riffing to be had.

Oh sure, just drape me like eye candy.  Gonna slap my agent.

Knock Off Week: Vahsi kan a.k.a. Turkish First Blood

Welcome back to Day 3 of Knock Off Week. So I was told of this bizarre film that we are tackling today. It has action, romance, zombies, military and really choppy edited car chases. Our main star of the film, actor and director (Deli Yusuf, Maden, Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam, Olum savascisi, Karate Can, Kopek, Turks in Space and The Class) has been in over 323 films and admittedly he does look like a terrifying bad ass that probably kills the other actors and no one is the wiser. This is Vahsi kan a.k.a. Turkish First Blood.

Hmm zombies or perverts?

 Our moving pictures opens with a house party which is so much like Communism in Vietnam when some lunatic biker gang from Psychomania decide to raze the whole party. My favorite part in this scene is a guy getting high kicked in the chest against a wall as blood was applied to his wounds because...boot heels are sharp? A young lady hops in her car to escape these dastardly demon bikers and for some reason the camera is set at crotch level and not to the passenger side or on the dashboard so the girl in a dress is driving with her legs crossed. Gotta say it feels like there may not be a stunt coordinator on the set.

Weirder still is she pulls up on the road finding five gored up men or they were have a scab and ketchup eating contest and passed out due to the heat exhaustion. Seriously the subtitles were created by someone without a firm grasp of the English language so I am left blinking a few times when sentence structure seems less than savory or satisfactory. The editing is so out there I swear I am watching a cross between Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes with zombies instead of rad mutants, Mad Max like bikers following up with First Blood

Turkish Christopher Plummer looks annoyed.

Love they even lifted Jerry Goldsmith's musical score for the film. Riza or Rambo if you prefer (Cuneyt Arkin) is being led away from a dirt road by armed guards when a car explodes and he just walks away from that and no follow-up to that at all. Armed men had him in custody and now they don't.

No sooner is Riza walking down the road again he gets ambushed by cast members of Turkish Mad Max as they spin in circles around him on bikes and a car. Truly stimulating. Riza proceeds to whoop the crap out of the bikers after they took turns slashing him with their steely knives but they could not just slay the beast. Not sure why he had to wait for multiple shallow cuts but hey I'm not writing this garbled crap. Turkish Richard Crenna giving his best Troutman impression tells the rest of this city to leave Riza to him but corrupt mayor/mobster thinks Riza is cramping his style. Hope he has a good supply of body bags. Yeah it was needed.

Riza meets up with said girl no longer burdened by a crotch cam but for some reason she automatically must be with the muscle bound goof and that slight dirty face she has means strip down and clean up in a lake. Still no clue if this girl has a character name or is it just chesty girl love interest. The mob/concerned citizens managed to find Riza and Girl With No Name in a massive rock quarry and cave...from like a completely different location. Again seamless editing Turkey. Considering it was day for Riza but night for the thugs and hell they were in a forest as well to his rock quarry. So it drags on and Girl With No Name ends up getting lightly tapped to death by foam rocks and Riza must get revenge the only way he knows how, by running at fast forward speed and slashing everyone's throat. That's right, Riza has the speed force at his disposal.

Finding an English subtitled version of this was damn near impossible without buying it outright. In the end I had to rent it for 5 bucks and boy howdy that was money well spent full of confusing scenes strewn together, fast cut edits, copy-written music lifted and Cuneyt Arkin looking either bored or psychotic.

So you got the poster shot?  Groovy.