The Vampire Happening

Back again. Today I am not looking towards sequels. Unbeknownst to you all, I purchased a 20 film pack of night stalkers. The Vampire. Yup I am diving into and seeing if this pack of flicks was worth the three dollars I spent on it. Even at 3 bucks I think I am still getting screwed. There are more than a few titles I recognize but this day's film gave the briefest of synopsis and looked a trifle bizarre. So here's hoping it isn't some foreign hardcore pornography...again.

This is The Vampire Happening a.k.a. Transylvania 1971

Really stretching my lower back, so thanks.

Directed in 1965 and released in 1971, this 6 year in the making West Germany film hails as a comedy and horror movie so that could be a good thing. With the tagline: The Adult Vampire Sex Comedy, I'm expecting penetration shots and prat falls.

At the helm is English cinematographer and director Freddie Francis (The Evil of Frankenstein, Traitor's Gate, The Psychopath, The Deadly Bees, They Came from Beyond Space, Dracula Has Risen from the Grave and The Creeping Flesh) and for those of you that are Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans, you will know The Deadly Bees uttered the line," Have you seen the dog's meat?" Interpret that however you see fit. 6 years to get off the ground you know it's gold or garbage.

Our movie opens on an airplane playing what looks to be a softcore porno. Yes there are kids on that flight so the weird shit-o-meter is banking to the right. Well okay the covers are over the actors and yes it does appear to not be flashing nudity so what do I know.

Attending this flight/strokefest is actress Bettie Williams (Pia Degermark of Elvira Madigan, The Looking Glass War, A Brief Season and The Vampire Happening) who by the strangest of circumstances (or crappy writing trope) has inherited a castle in Transylvania. As she is a direct descendant for the Baroness Catali who she shares a striking resemblance as well.   Ze German has landed!!

After a quick autograph we are treated to stop animation and opening credits with a Hammer Films worthy instrumental and orchestral number. Stop trying to gussy the flick up. Papa ain't buyin'.

Hold me closer, tiny caretaker.

As our protagonist drives to the castle, Nature keeps dropping roadblocks behind her like a boulder or a fallen tree.  COMEDY!  As this has a legendary Hammer Films director, maybe it will be a bit darker. However, our young impressionable American actress finds not everything in and out of the castle is as it appears. The castle's caretaker I guess is what is best to call him freaks the hell out as it would revealed that Betty is the spitting image of her great great grandmother Countess Clarimonde Catani and legends revile her as the most feared vampire of all.

As luck or a carefully placed written trope would have it; a monastery and all-girls school is conveniently next to the castle. Hedonistic vampire dream come true, right? A virulent vampire virus (I was just having fun with literation) begins to sweep the land. One of the derpy monks starts channeling his inner Crazy Ralph and not his Dr. Loomis like he should. Never go full Crazy Ralph.

Oh wait... I sense something. Yes, yes. It's that stupid question again. "Will there be titty?" Take heart, horny male readers. There's titty. The movie's staying power certainly isn't for the plot. We have a fair amount of topless nudity. It would appear my copy is also the unrated version, so a more detailed account of the orgy at the castle. Lucky me. Wee.

Hell at least the castle is real. You see American readers, across Europe and the British Isles, they have actual castles and no giant rodents or talking dogs in them. Sadly, I recognize the castle as it was in use for a raunchy sex comedy, Lady Dracula.

Castle Kreuzenstein in Austria. I like the way they say good bye. Also filmed there was the Mario Bava film, Baron Blood, Ken Annakin's The 5^th Musketeer and Dominic Sena's Season of the Witch with Nicholas Cage.

FILM FACTS!!!

Bad Dracula! Too Young, Brah!

And what vampire movie could this be without an appearance of Dracula? Yes we have a Dracula via Ferdy Mayne (The Fearless Vampire Killers, Hawk the Slayer, Death of a Centerfold: The Dorothy Stratten Story, Conan the Destroyer, Cagney & Lacey, Night Train of Terror, Howling II: Striba Bitch and Pirates). We cannot expect Christopher Lee every time as Dracula but I get the disappointment, folks. I do. Don't worry, more comic relief at the ready with a couple of vampire hunters that are... yeah they are definitely not Team Blade.

The composition is amazing by Jerry van Rooyen (Death on a Rainy Day, Succubus, Sadist Erotica, Kiss Me Monster and How Short Is the Time for Love) and the period piece costumes are bang on. Granted Pia is hardly ever in them but good that the costumers got some work to do and it wasn't all relied on the make up artists to cover asses. Pia also manages her duo roles with two really awful wigs. Looks like they killed some weasels, spray painted them and then with enough hairspray; made them stand at attention.

There's a horny schoolgirls subplot which is just to get them to fullfill their nudity clause. Seriously the school teacher is showing them the error of their wicked ways. With lots of spankings. Yup, shallow waters I be a traveling here.

Didn't get the best copy of this movie which would be the good folks at Anchor Bay. Nope, I gotta get more of my nemesis of repeated titles, the bane of any viewer's existence: Mill Creek Entertainment. Yup, my copy is grainy as the wheat fields of Kansas and the audio is mono. Can you believe those jackasses try to have one of my audio reviews yanked from YouTube?

In conclusion, our "film" is chockful of nudity after the 10 minute mark, hammy puns, obvious sight gags, a zany mistaken identity and...yeah it is pretty painful as a whole. I can't imagine who I would recommend this to.

If you need to torture convicts in GITMO, grab this flick. If you have given up on laughter and love, grab this flick.. If it's this movie or anything Rob Schneider has been in, grab this flick.

Meh, she's no Shannon Tweed.

Women in Prison...Again: Women in Cages

Welcome back to Women in Prison...Again Week. Again I apologize to those not thrilled with how this week will unfurl and it is hard to get around such but one must make do. Innuendos too subtle? Well today I found a Corman production in the Philippines were young innocent girls are being sold on the black market sex slave trade. Tasteful, I know. Hey you didn't have to sit through it. This is Women in Cages.

CATFIGHT!!!!

Man, the title just screams sexist piggies at work, doesn't it? Our story follows Carol "Jeff" Jefferies (Jennifer Gan of In Like Flint, Love, American Style, Nichols, Ironside, Naked Angels, Hello, Dollly and The Virginian) as she takes the fall for her boyfriend's criminal schemes on board his ship consisting of prostitution, gambling and smack trade (heroine for you, suckas). With the heat on his ass, Rudy (Charlie Davao of Bingbong: The Vincent Crisologo Story, Zhi fa wei long, Lethal Panther 2, Rosalinda, Darna and May bukas pa) hides almost a kilo of snow in Jeff's purse. Yeah who doesn't walk around town with that much dope in their purse?

Tossed in this hellhole filled with hellcats, Jeff of course is introduced to Alabama (Not Hot Pocket, Shawn but Pam Grier of The Big Bird Cage, Hit Man, Black Mama White Mama, Coffy, The Arena, Scream Blacula Scream, Foxy Brown, Sheba, Baby, Jackie Brown and Fortress 2) a lesbian torturous sadist of a prison guard...lesbian sadist? Anyway, she takes no crap, keeps girls in line and rewards those that tow the line.

Mmm, Pantene did wonders for your hair.

Seeing Rudy left her holding the bag and the other prisoners hold her in ill-regard, Jeff starts formulating a plan of escape. Stokes (Roberta Collins of The Big Doll House, Women in Cages, Caged Heat, Hardbodies, Hardbodies 2, School Spirit and Death Wish II), a smack addict thinks she can plot against Jeff for more smack. Reason and logic are probably not a heroin addict's best friend. Theresa (Sofia Moran of Playpen, Women in Cages, Batman and Robin (1972), The Smugglers, Bandolera, Secret Witness and Kingpin) is in bed with Alabama, in that she's her regular Saturday Night Thang...until they have a falling out. Guess she was the bad wife.

I'm confused. Her credit is head guard of the prison and yet Pam's role is almost the warden. So the formula of course is wrongly accused girls laboring in the fields, cat fights galore, load of showering and yup TORTURE! Pam has her own dungeon a.k.a. The Playpen. Less dom and more Spanish Inquisition though. These girls aren't walking away with a light paddling. I did start laughing realizing Pam owns her white girls, whipping them and making them slave in the hot sun. I'm weird that way.

The porn parody of The Great Escape is hard to follow.

Typical Grindhouse double feature with Emanuelle Escapes Hell you would almost wager. Granted, Emanuelle Escapes Hell came out in 1982 but my point remains.

With rough terrain, dense jungle and God only knows what lurks in the waters, Theresa, Jeff, Stokes and Sandy (Judy Brown of The Big Doll House, Threesome, A Woman for all Men, Toxic Zombies and House Calls) scheme to make their escape. Theresa guiding them tells the girls they can get help on the outside and hightail it outta there.

With violence and jiggly titties galore the men folk should be sated. Ladies, I have no idea what possible interest this film is for you...at all. I feel like I need a shower just from watching this sleazy, dismal hodge podge of sex and violence. It's grim and somber, our little flick and I really have no redeeming value for it. Um...the camera work was impressive.

Why are they in The Crimson Executioner's basement?

Godfrey Ho: Golden Ninja Warrior

Back again folks. Pinched nerve makes it difficult to write so yesterday was off. We're back with some more Godfrey Ho flicks because vengeance for the Friday the 13^th remake! Beats demanding blood I suppose. Two ninjas operating two seperate missions end up teaming up to find the same ninja that keeps attacking them. This is Golden Ninja Warrior.

Worse bed and breakfast...ever.

Director Godfrey Ho (Inferno Thunderbolt, Ninja Destroyer, Ninja Hunt, Ninja Dragon, Bionic Ninja, Super Platoon, Project G-7, Ninja Kill and Ninja in Action)Tells the tale about a blood feud has broken out between two sects, the Red Ninja Warriors and the Golden Ninja Warriors. The intro gives a reprise to Ninja Terminator. I mean the original footage and intro showing us the titles were barely changed and this isn't even the goofiest thing attached. Our Golden Ninja isn't about a statue but in fact a girl name of Sherri Lee (Queenie Yang of Golden Ninja Warrior) chasing after a mob boss known as Four Eyes. Um I can't give you the actor's name because it does not show up on IMDB and the credits ran by at the end at F*CKING LIGHT SPEED so I am clueless to who he is.

Hi. I'm Richard Harrison.  Enjoy the review.

The typical Ho film is his own footage spliced with a failed movie, TV movie or TV pilot that went nowhere, piss poor dubbing and spliced shots to establish characters in the movie know one another and that the exposition will explain everything we know to be true in the film. So somewhere in there she is actually wearing a red ninja outfit so not very golden and she teams up with a guy Michael (Donald Owen of Golden Ninja Warrior) as they are both after Four Eyes for entirely different reasons and let's be honest, who would fear that crappy kingpin name? He is also doing this menacing laugh in almost every scene. My theory? The voice actor went over the top to either relieve boredom or camp so they would fire him and he could voice for Voltron or Robotech.

Fear the 80s hair.

One of the weirdest things is costume transition. They don their ninja costumes from a jump cut Wonder Woman like approach or a cheesy yellow smoke bomb going off by their feet followed by the jump cut into costume again. I saw this, paused and laughed. There was nothing else you could do but chuckle. One scene Sherri is fighting another girl with a fairly laughable choreography then instant costume change, more fighting and then Sherri bails all the while wearing her street clothes again. Piss poor editing and continuity you might say? Nah Godfrey Ho magic of... not really giving a crap. There is so much nudity, sex and shower scenes I am wondering what in the nine hells am I watching. Seemed like a soft core porno with ninjas. Ninja Golden Showers probably didn't help sales so not sure what else to take away from this lazy story telling, bad fight scenes and sex scenes that have all the eroticism of a cat turd. The other ninja female who AGAIN no real name attached to her seems to use the force or telekinetic powers spinning this throwing star the size of a hubcap. I was baffled at what the hell I was seeing.

The best scene with Ninja Chippie is her dagger throw that follows Sherri around the parking lot. Full on Deadite POV style. Again was it the force? Did Ninja Chippie read from the Necronomicon? Was it a Kandarian Dagger? Who the hell knows? From choppy beginning to end I was so confused by this flick, I started to think what a drinking game this would make. Transmogrifying ninja, take a drink. Random appearance of characters, take a drink. Sex scene, take a drink. You would be pie eyed before the damn thing was finished.

This also possesses the overtly used footage of Richard Harrison's ninja scenes for the intro and these scenes have been edited into dozens of the Ho Ninja titles. Yes, the same Richard Harrison of South Pacific, Giants of Rome, $100,000 for Ringo, Vengeance and Day After Tomorrow. FYI, to the ladies, there is a rape scene buuuuuut...poorly shot, jumpy editing and nothing graphic on the screen so they could have skipped it. I don't think we need, "I Spit on Your Ninja's Ancestors" but I could be wrong there.

Mom made me bundle up!

Random Titles: Sorceress

Hey folks. Sorry for being AWOL from the blog. Got a head cold and it doesn't feel like it will be gone by tomorrow. So looking through my collective written reviews, I have noticed the lack of erotic thrillers aside from the few giallo films. High time that gets corrected, wouldn't you say? I mean I could be watching a Hepburn and Tracy flick but nah, that would be far too classy for this blog. So after a bit of debating I decided on a familiar name in such for horror and sci-fi fantasy, one director came to mind, Jim Wynorski (Chopping Mall, Not of This Earth, Deathstalker II, Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade, Busty Cops, Komodo vs. Cobra, Dinocroc vs. Supergator and Piranhaconda). Now I have been mean at Wynorski and not even sure if he would care for an apology as most of my writing is in humorous content but you do have to admire his ability to do what he can with a limited budget, finding some of the most unusual collective of people to work with, not to mention some of these scripts must read insanity until it makes its way on screen.

This is Sorceress.

Black Magic Woman...

So as our film opens we are greeted by...boobs apparently. Yup a powerful witch/housewife Erica Barnes (1993 Penthouse Pet Julie Strain of Penthouse Satin & Lace, Fit to Kill, Psycho Cop Returns, Bikini Squad, The Dallas Connection, Day of the Warrior, Guns of El Chupacabra, Heavy Metal 2000 and Battle Queen 2020) has a lace robe open to show off some of her assets as she engages in dark magics to enrich her husband Larry's law firm career. That...involves oils, light moaning and "O" face. Now you would normally think she would go full striga and kill off the competition Howard (Edward Albert of Butterflies Are Free, Galaxy of Terror, Guarding Tess, Port Charles, A-List and Sea of Fear) but instead, she cripples him with her magics. Larry played by Larry Poindexter of Introducing Dorothy Dandrige, Blade: the Series and Days of Our Lives is not having any of this...regardless of large breasted brunette gazing hungrily at him.

So I get to keep my clothes on?  Guess that is a relief.

Amelia, (Linda Blair of Sweet Hostage, Stranger in Our House, Wild Horse Hank, Ruckus, Hell Night, Chained Heat, Savage Streets, Chicken Soup for the Soul, S Club 7 in L.A., and Monster Makers)Howard's wife feels Howard has been flummoxed or bewildered by dark forces. As a practicing witch or wicca she is attempting to narrow down the suspects with the how and why method.

Rather than this be a straight horror thriller film there does seem to be a lot of emphasis on the copious amount of nudity giving it more of an softcore erotica rather that the time-honored horror tropes. That much was apparent right out of the gate gazing at Ms. Strain.

How to burn off energy after work.

Now I would be completely hypocritical if I didn't say I was staring at all the bits of lovely and threesome scenes aside, there actually is talent in this film. Okay the script is a bit far-fetched but I have seen A-list rom coms with dumber premises hands down so move on. Biggest complaints was Michael Parks (From Dusk Til Dawn and Red State)was used for nothing more than red herring and not enough booming William Marshall (Blacula and Scream Blacula, Scream). Larry's performance comes off as a tortured soul, lost in his own life. Linda goes from sweet as pie to cold as ice in record time. Scared the crap out of me seeing her with resolve on her face.

Rounding out at 93 minutes the eroticism is filled tastefully, the story isn't bad and the performance overall is pretty impressive just with this many jiggly girls running around the screen, might want to NOT have the kids awake while watching this one.

Craftmatic bed warmer.  Now available in auburn.

Giallo Journeys: Strip Nude for Your Killer

Greetings and welcome back to Giallo Journeys Day 4. We are back with exhibitionist sexploitation lady extraordinaire Edwige Fenech (Blade of the Ripper, Desert of Fire, All the Colors of the Dark, The Case of the Bloody Iris, Naughty Nun, Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key, Sex with a Smile, Taxi Girl and The Schoolteacher Goes to Boys' High) and helmed by erotic horror and macabre director Andrea Bianchi( Cry of a Prostitute, Confessions of a Frustrated Housewife, Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror, Exciting Love Girls, The Seduction of Angela, Maniac Killer, Massacre and Fleshy Doll) portrays the tragedy or parable of a killer brought to madness due to a young model dying on an operating table while having an abortion...so clearly others must perish too.   This is Strip Nude for Your Killer.

Evening ma'am. Interest you in a copy of the Watchtower?

Doctor No Harm gives our young model a mickey to cover up this illegal activity so she died other circumstances. The sly and cold doctor meets his fate as even his English dubbed voice cannot pull him out of his impending date with death. Our murderous misanthrope is decked out with a motorcycle helmet and leathers and SPOILER, clearly a female build. Meanwhile at the Albatross Modelling Agency...yeah they chose Albatross as their name for an agency. No irony there at all.

Momma Mia!  More penetration that Mario wants!!

 Two photographers Carlo (Nino Castelnuovo of Rocco and His Brothers, The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, The English Patient, Una donna per amico, Vittoria di vinti and Nando dell' Andromeda) and Magda (Edwige Fenech of Blade of the Ripper, Desert of Fire, All the Colors of the Dark, The Case of the Bloody Iris, Naughty Nun, Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key, Sex with a Smile, Taxi Girl and The Schoolteacher Goes to Boys' High) are in a heated affair whilst photographing all these delectable bit of totty male and female alike. Could have done without Carlo's bun hugging swimming shorts that is just enough fabric to NOT be a Speedo so I guess there are worse things.

Oh we can't have a threesome on a ladder. It's bad luck.

With this agency having couch casting, men that clearly should have sex pervert laser coded on their foreheads and that sweaty Maurizio looking like a genetic crossover of Buddy Hackett and Peter Lorre, you would think there would be countless lawsuits going their way. A simple re-print with ease means our killer has a group photo of all those that worked with model Evelyn. Omni-sexual Mario (the photographer not Mario Mario) gets a visit from killer to give said group photo and then is knived in the kidneys. Gisella (Lia Amanda of 2 samurai per 100 geishe, Il compromess... erotico, Prouesses porno, Sarabande porno, Supersexymarket and Il viziaccio) owner of the agency is grilled for hours by the cops because of Mario and the rest of the staff are nervous about what could happened to him and what motif could there be.

Maurizio attempts to plow Doris (Erna Schurer of Le salamandre, The Battle of the Last Panzer, La bambola di Satana, Blood Castle and Erotic Exploits of a Sexy Seducer) because Gisella won't sleep with him and he's...premature, cries and makes an ass of himself. Yup I did not need to see a portly fuzzy guy fail miserably in seduction. Worry ye not, gentle readers. Our killer dispatches fuzzy wuzzy with another round of kidney stabbings. With Gisella being badgered by the cops, Carlo and Magda start to wonder who this maniac is.

The pace between sex and death scenes span minutes from each other. It is almost as if the director was trying to establish risque link-ups lead to brutal murder. Clocking at 98 minutes, our sleaze fest tries to make you feel some semblance of sorrow or empathy for those slain. This movie does operate on controlled lighting, at least 9 sex scenes tastefully done but overall aside from the copious T & A and gore effects, it doesn't offer anything of originality. Not a bad film but I have seen it better done by Mario Bava, Lucio Fulci and Dario Argento so "A" for effort but a B- for completion.

I'm not too forward, am I?

Linda Blair Week: Chained Heat

Welcome back for Day 5 of Linda Blair Week and it has been pretty amazing watching those numbers tally up. A quick heads up about Linda Blair's Worldheart Foundation http://www.lindablairworldheart.org/ as this is a rescue for pitbulls in the greater Los Angeles area. With Medical services, proper nutrition and behavioral classes to help give rescue dogs a better shot at life.

Well, the good taste could only prevail for so long. More than a few fans insisted that I watch and review a more adult themed Linda Blair film and if I must, I must. With a perverted John Vernon, Sybil Danning and Tamara Dobson ruling the pens, where can Linda Blair turn? This is Chained Heat.

So how do you tease your hair that way Val?

Young Carol (Linda Blair of Savage Streets, The Exorcist II: The Heretic, Moving Target, Up Your Alley, Bad Blood, The Chilling, Dead Sleep, Sorceress, Prey of the Jaguar, Supernatural, Whoa! and All is Normal) had a drunk driving accident that cost a man his life. The judge threw the book at her giving her no less than 18 months to serve her sentence. Our warden Bacman (John Vernon of Brannigan, S.W.A.T., Cannon, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Angela, Dirty Harry, Animal House, Savage Streets and Batman: The Animated Series)has aspirations to be the next Fellini using his prison hoes for a smut racket homemade pornographic films and distribution of coke. Double Secret Probation for you, sir!   Streetwise Val (Sharon Hughes of The Last Horror Film, Grotesque, Chained Heat and Mission: Killfast) who rocks her Aquanet hair becomes Carol's mentor giving her the tips to survival and how to loosen up in this madcap world behind bars.

You muthas messin' with Cleopatra Jones!?!

With the promise of drugs, sex and other such contraband, the male prison guards listen to their Captain Taylor (Stella Stevens of The Nutty Professor, The Poseidon Adventure, Santa Barbara, General Hospital and Megaconda) who keeps it on the up and up by is a partner to statuesque Duchess (Sybil Danning of The Three Musketeers, The Four Musketeers: Milady's Revenge, Cat in the Cage, Battle Beyond the Stars, Hercules, Howling II: Striba Bitch, Reform School Girls and Warrior Queen) is clearly a lifer running whatever kind of skag she can on her cell block and is a big deal next to her competition that Amazonian bit of loveliness, Duchess (Tamara Dobson of Fuzz, Cleopatra Jones, Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold, Murder at the World Series, Jason of Star Command, Chained Heat and Amazons). Tensions are high between the white and black cell blocks. Imagine what the Latinas, Germans and the Irish feel. I do feel the boom mic deserves a decent billing as I saw it more than a few times but nowhere near the top billed boom mic of Dolemite.

Tee hee!  I'm easy.

Naive Carol is caught in the middle of this bubbling cauldron and it only a matter of time before a block war goes up. Will she survive the next few days?? Can no one stop the madness???

With the grim and gritty atmosphere of in-house fighting, shower scenes, lesbian scenes and sleazy dialogue this makes for unusual viewing. The lighting choices of shadows, back lit and eerie synthesizer music was an odd choice but fits the mood pretty well. With racist fights, shanks and the staff being corrupt gives little to no hope of a night's sleep. Shockingly enough, as this is a women in prison film there is tons of nudity. I know, I too was surprised at this. The story is dark, some of the acting is over the top but we do have some classic Henry Silvia with his patented creepy smile and pleasant voice ensuring you would die slowly. This exploitation, sexploitation, blaxploitation film does have its cult following so you make of that what you will.

Who said this isn't my natural hair color!?!

Knock Off Week: Intikam kadini a.k.a. Turkish I Spit on Your Grave.

Welcome back any readers I may still have after Robo Vampire. Yeah that English dubbing really put the film into perspective for me. It says, not all foreign distribution should happen. Well knock offs and impostors are gonna happen in Hollywood. Hell Asylum Films lives on most of that alone. Of course there is always the comment of, "I liked that movie but I think I would go a different direction than they did." Which brings us to our latest discovery. I'm not sure why I keep doing this sort of thing to myself but apparently Turkey was not overcome with joy with the original Meir Zarchi 1978 shocker rape revenge flick, I Spit on Your Grave. Nope the idea for four men gang raping, degrading and trying to off a girl was just simply not enough for some folk. The idea that crossed director/writer Naki Yurter (Fehmi the Astronaut, Cehenneme postalarim, Sehmuz, Haydi bastir and Dert Duragi) if only we could make that a porno as well. Bravo movie, you have just lowered the bar on my blog yet again. This is Intikam kadini a.k.a. A Woman Like That a.k.a. Turkish I Spit on Your Grave.

Joe Spinell's vacation pics got overexposed.

No sooner did I actually find this film the stock alone is grainier than a grindhouse movie. Maybe David Hess' Krug mistook it for Sandra Peabody from The Last House on the Left and had his wicked way with it. Okay, so while the subtitles took forever to pop up I gathered this film is really trying to be its own film and in many ways it really is. Yeah yeah four guys jumped and girl and now she vows bloody revenge. Sadly I can find at least 30 more films like that and do not have to automatically call that a rip-off of I Spit on Your Grave. It could have been closely modeled after Ms .45. Also our rapists are not just punks working for minimum wage in this flick, turns out they are real estate agents who work and live in the city. Their car breaks down in the country and then wonder up to the household of Aysel and her father. After being offered food and shelter for the night they repay the kindness they have received with rape of the girl and brutally murdering her father. Sure you don't want to stop and boot stomp all the chickens or kick the goat in the balls too??

Cut! Turkish Bluto you are on the wrong set!

Asyel (Zerrin Dogan of Hizli giden yourulur, Sona Kalan Dona Kalir, Sev beni, Ooooh Oh and Rezil) is this close to commiting suicide when she decides she will get her revenge instead. Oh and for those of you who had issues with Camile Keaton seducing her attackers and then gacking them one by one well this one will just blow your mind as Asyel decides to seduce her attackers and even jump the bones of a couple of them, again in order for the sweet sweet revenge. I love how the guys didn't even recognize her because her hair is down and she is wearing makeup. Apparently this skin flick didn't get nearly enough flesh going so the other attackers are just in bed with a couple of other women so they must not be real choosy in this portion of Turkey.

Lastly in all of this, there are weird edits or cuts in the film where the music just stops or after a bit of dialogue is over, not even a wipe or dissolve just bloop! NEW SCENE! Music stingers are to be encouraged but alas this crew does not seem to get how that works.

Our infamous director Naki Yurter was arrested by the Turkish government in 1980 for creating and distribution of pornography or whatever film was deemed taboo or communist staple. Yurter never made another movie after Intikam kadini so not sure if that was due to mistreatment in prison or possibly prison guard beatings... I had no real further info on the guy aside from his passing in 2014.

Run time is an hour and well that seemed long enough. They had some ideas and some ways to make this a psychological thriller but no real technical direction, blocking shots was unheard of and the stock looked like it was the dailies before final print.

Well she's no Cleopatra Jones but yeah that's nice.

Exploitation Encore: Amazon Jail

Hey there, gang. Y'know with today's title being as blatant as it is you would think this would be a candidate for multiple titles or Also Known As but alas this is not the case. This week of Exploitation Encore, I took random titles out and have no idea what each are until the research machine is in high gear and I sit down and peer at it in terror. Welp, shockingly enough I have managed to latch onto an obscure WIP flick so lucky me. WIP (Women in Prison) normally get very nude, force bisexuality and have other such graphic scenes with it so you can imagine that most women reading this, are shaking their collective heads in disgust. Ladies, I'm sorry but sometimes it is just the roll of the die on what I am stuck viewing. Hailing from Brazil and dubbed in English from the native Portuguese comes director Oswaldo de Oliveia's (Bare Behind Bars, The Brothel- Nights Prohibited and Boarding Virgin Girls) opus. This is Amazon Jail.

What do you mean this isn't the set for Black Mama, White Mama?

Shot in Brazil because...the cinematographers were afraid of Candiru swimming up their urethra...I guess, our feature opens with a very jaunty tune as the girls are being flown in under false pretenses. Gasp! In a women in prison film?!!  Well this is a twist! The promise of work has lured many a young and lovely girl to Brazil er um I mean the Amazon which in fact turns out to be a load of crap and the women are kidnapped and forced into a sex slavery for wealthy business tycoons that fly in just to get their jollies on. The dastardly duo that control the impromptu prison, Edgar (Sergio Hingst of Um Anjo Mau, Uma Tarde Outra Tarde, As Cangacerias Eroticas, Incesto, Touchy and Doramundo) and his wife Helena (Elizabeth Hartman of Uma Pistola para Djeca, Diabolicos Herdeiros, Macho e Femea, Senhora, Cinderela 77 and Boarding Virgin Girls) who run a tight ship with their bamboo like prison huts that look poorly constructed. By myself, it looks like I could tip it over but hey I didn't write the flick.

I don't want to even see Edgar's YELP review on his piss poor management skills, forced orgies and labor disputes. That will be a stern letter I can tell you.

 

 

Can't hear ya bub, I'm enjoying a single malt.

As this film is clearly written for deviant men and angry as hell lesbians we really don't have to struggle to understand the plot but my favorite over-the-top actors are the sweaty mustachio slave wrangler who didn't seem to have a name. No kidding he doesn't even have a name listed in IMDB aside from his own and the gay Satanist priest. I have to be honest, out of curiousity I gotta hear this guy's sermons at least once. Even Lucifier must have made a double take. Our quick thinking sex slaves Betty (Sandra Graffi of Anarquia Sexual, Amor Estranho Amor, As Safadas and Amazon Jail) and Liz (Elys Cardoso of Delicias do Sexo. Mulheres...Mulheres, Amor Estranho Amor, Vadias Pelo Prazer and Amazon Jail) decided they have partook of several orgies too many and hatch a scheme to get them free and get a little payback by...seducing the guards. BRILLIANT! No one would see that backfire at all. Now fellas, try not get upset but nudity doesn't kick in for 5 minutes. I know, I know. That can be a huge wait period for some of you but you just have knuckle down and accept it happening. Will Edgar get his just desserts?? Will the girls escape only to be eaten by piranha??

Let's see, from a technical standpoint the camera work looks clumsy and probably should not have been handheld, the lighting is piss poor and the whole editing process looks like it didn't really adhere to continuity or logic. In some cases it looks like scenes were clipped out so we could progress right to a lesbian scene so the audience didn't get bored. Characters are introduced suddenly vanish without any follow-up and our pure of heart good girls suddenly are vindictive and heartless overnight without any rhyme or reason to it.

So if you are looking for no story but plenty of shower scenes, lesbian encounters, cat fights and half-naked women sloshing through the jungle then this is a must. If you require any actual story arc, developed characters and subplots that match up all the while still have some scantily clad girls, I would recommend Savage Sisters directed by Eddie Romero. FYI, if this jiggly fest wasn't enough for you, worry ye not. Oswaldo de Oliveia made more than 20 flicks of similar standing.

Yes! Motorboat me on the way to Hell!!!

The T & A Team: Day of the Warrior

Salutation readers! Well I am already on a cheeseball 90s action films so why stop at Samurai Cop?

Instead we will start taking a look at T&A and Guns master Andy Sidaris (Malibu Express, Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Savage Beach, Guns, Do or Die, Hard Hunted and Fit to Kill), a director of the triple b or BBB (Bullets, Bombs and Babes) as he had a rotating company of actors made up of Playboy Playmates and Penthouse Pets. A fourth b added to this should be Buxom because while I have seen a handful (tee hee) of these flicks, none of these girls are flat chested. The plots are trope ridden, the girls are less than believable walking around let alone martial art masters and marksmen. This is Day of the Warrior.

Psst!  Eyes up here please. Not a piece of meat you know.

The Legion to Ensure Total Harmony and Law or L.E.T.H.A.L. Are the go to agency to handling terrorists, smugglers, drug dealers and even syndicate organizations. Hell, I won't be surprised if they kick Cobra's butt too. Take that G.I. Joe! Our crack team of professionals are in hot pursuit of a criminal dubbed the Warrior (Marcus "Buff" Bagwell of WCW Mayhem, WCW Souled Out, L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach, Charmed and WCW Monday Nitro), former Olympic gold medalist, pro wrestler and ex-CIA agent...cause that all blends well together. He now smuggles diamonds, contraband bootleg porn and fine art dealership. With him his assistant Kym (Ray "Zap" Hollitt of American Gladiators, Skin Deep, The Immortalizer, The Last Hour, Baywatch, Cyborg 3: The Recycler. JAG, Manhunt and Revamped) a lethal lovely of with appetites of carnal and destruction.

Clearly a tactical genius.

With the ladies of LETHAL hot on the case they are lead by field commander Willow Black (Former Penthouse Pet Julie Strain of The Dallas Connection, Play Time, Sorceress, Guns of El Chupacabra, Sorceress II: The Temptress, Heavy Metal 2000, Battle Queen 2020 and Zombiegeddon) and her D cup deadly darlings Cobra (Former Penthouse Pet Julie K Smith of The Bare Wench Project, Survivors Exposed, The Bare Wench Project 3: Nymphs of Mystery Mountain, The Hills Have Thighs and Dirty Dead Con Men) and Tiger (Former Playboy Playmate Shae Marks of Cover Me, Scoring, Playboy's Really Naked Truth, Blue Heat: The Case of the Cover Girl Murders, Viper, Love Stinks and Black Scorpion) must match their brains and brawn against Warrior and stop his organization. Where to even begin how shallow every guy, bi-sexual and lesbian should feel watching these particular films? You watching for the jiggly girls for crying out loud. This is not a Peckinpaw flick nor is it Hitchcock.

I mean for God's sake the minuscule outfits they put the girls in for starters. They would have no range of movement in a fraction of these Fredrick's of Hollywood BDSM outfits to pull off a decent side snap kick let alone in three to four inch heels while balancing. Elektra and Psylocke couldn't roll in half of these outfits but that's okay because they are fictional bad asses. The explosions and gunfights are mindless violence and hey that was one of the things that attracted you to this in the first place.

Filmed primarily around Sidaris's hometown of Shreveport Louisana, I have to give credit where it is due. Everyone is blocked, continuity is not an issue, all our actors are miked and even the soundtrack by composer Ron Di Iulio (Mountaintop Motel Massacre, Through the Fire, Armed for Action, Enemy Gold and Repligator) is quite impressive.   I wasn't suffering from Samurai Cop flashbacks in spite of seeing Gerald Okamura (Big Trouble in Little China, The Shadow, Hot Shots! Part Deux, Blade Runner video game, Blade, Redemption, Vampire Assassin and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra) again but no Matt Karedas wig wearing pseudo martial arts thankfully.

So if you are looking for a bit of T&A, some explosions, a laughable plot and several topless and full nude scenes...well Andy Sidaris's collection is the way to go.

Just shake your cans then a right cross to the chops.

Grindhouse Flicks: Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Greetings and salutations. We are at Day 5 of Grindhouse Flicks and what better way to end this week but a Femme Fatale Jiggly Girl film? Okay, that might be a bit mean but we are relying exploitation/sexploitation writer/director Russ Meyer (Eve and the Handyman, Heavenly Bodies!, Erotica, Motorpsycho!, Vixens, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, The Seven Minutes and Black Snake) so expect... well mud wrestling and buxom girls. This is Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Sexploitation??  Where?

Our anti-heroines Varla (exotic dancer Tura Satana of Who's Been Sleeping in My Bed?, The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Our Man Flint, The Astro-Zombies and the Doll Squad) rough girl Rosie (Haji of Motorpsycho!, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, Up Your Alley, Supervixens, Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, Hughes and Harlow: Angels in Hell and Demonoid: Messenger of Death) and ditzy blonde Billie (Lori Williams of Honey West, A Swingin' Summer, The Long, Hot Summer, It's a Bikini World, Love, American Style and the Marvelous Land of Oz) are three strippers....I mean go-go dancers looking for kicks and thrills and racing cars in the desert.

As they are done with racing each other they find a a couple out zipping around and decide to race these two in a time trial. After the race, Varla just snaps doofy boyfriend's neck like it was kinling and given the size of her She-Hulk physique, I can buy that. She also abducts the late doofus's girlfriend Linda (Susan Bernard of Stranger in Hollywood, The Witchmaker, That Tender Touch, The Phynx and Necromancy) because...well she is a lesbian and doofus can't please her or you know ever could. Hey he was a doofus not seeing that Varla is clearly off her rocker. Next incarnation have a sawed-off under the car seat.

Ryan Reynolds hitches a ride in the TARDIS.

They stop for gas in this one horse town and encounter a zany old guy which credits call him "the Old Man". Classy. The Old Man (Stuart Lancaster of The Born Losers, Lila, The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet, The Satin Mushroom. The Seven Minutes and Mistress of the Apes) is kooky because of a railway of accident and an inheritance of some serious coin of the realm. Varla starts getting ideas to follow him and search his ranch for the cash... with their captive hostage still in tow.

Varla lands on a plan to seduce the Old Man's eldest son Kirk (Paul Trinka of It's a Man's World, Fate Is the Hunter, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, Land of the Giants and Night Gallery) has some smoochy face with the clueless lad. Linda manages to escape Billie who decided to get bombed off her butt instead of keeping an eye on her.

This whole thing is going pear shaped Varla just tells the girls we are greasing everyone to cover up the kidnapping and the previous murder. Yeah not enough to kidnap and a homicide but this kooky dame wants to add 3 more bodies to the mix, thus pre-meditated and now moving into first-degree murder. Oh why are the hot ones always crazed murderers??

Will Kirk see through Varla's facade and shoulder roll his way to kicking her ass? Will the Gorn eat the Old Man?? Does Rosie get many lines or what?

Just jotting a few notes of interest on the flick. While a complete bomb at the box office in its original release, folks of the VHS era found it to be odd but entertaining while other felt it was a blow to the lesbian and feminist community and well yeah it really is a slap in the face to both. The cult following of the movie brings so many pop culture references to this flick I will try to catch them all.

American glam metal band Faster Pussycat clearly took the name from the movie. Dialogue from the picture itself has been lifted and spread over (kinky) four songs in White Zombie for Thunder Kiss '65, Welcome to the Planet Motherf**ker, Black Sunshine and Cosmic Monsters, Inc. Oh Rob and your love of exploitation.

 Hell, punk band the Cramps released a cover of Faster Pussycat on their mini-album in '83 Smell of Female.    As for me...well I was kinda bored to tears up until the third act so not a saving grace there.  

Some gorgeous cinematography filmed in glorious 35mm black and white with the Mitchell BNC (Blimped Newreel Camera) great for sound shot capture and gets great zoom and pan out shots. Of course they shot in Mojave Desert so I was stoked as it was giving the two ghost towns Randsburg and Johansburg filming all the action it got.   For good or bad, Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! Has made a massive impact on American culture whether it likes it or not

You owe us each for the lapdance, Old Man.