Hello there and sorry for abandoning
you last week. Impacted tooth that will be tended to shortly and I
am back on the case. Now this week is at the behest of my Rotten
Ramblin' On co-host Shawn, who suggested an obscure superhero week.
What does this mean for you and me? Well for me, it will no doubt
be pain to rival that of my tooth and for you the reader, you may
have to endure some bile and venom spewed at what I am reviewing.
So if dredging through TV movies and failed movie potential sequels
sounds horrific, then it is time to move on for the week. Those of
you that are stout of heart and courage, I salute you all for the
pain or humor you will be subjected to.
Today's film is brought to us by
Italian director Alberto De Martino (The
Invincible Gladiator, Perseus Against the Monsters, The Secret Seven,
Hecules vs. The Giant Warriors, Operation Kid Brother, Crime Boss,
Holocaust 2000 and Miami Golem)
who shares two films on the MST3K roster of with Operation Double 007
starring Sean Connery's brother Neil and this day's film. This is
The Pumaman.
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| I went tinkles now let me back in the damn house! |
Paleontologist Professor Tony Farms (Walter George Alton of The Users,
10, The Pumaman and Heavenly Bodies)
has been feeling a sense of dread while working in the British
Natural History Museum and it is no wonder. The papers keep
exclaiming fit brunette white guys are getting chucked out of windows
high up in the air and murdered. Being a fit, brunette white guy
naturally he feels on edge until he is stalked by an enormous Aztec
named Vadinho (not the onion, Miguel Angel Fuentes of
Fitzcarraldo, Herod's Law, Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell,
The Knife, Gunmen, Blow and Texas Rising)
speaks of Tony's father, the space alien gods that have brought the
destiny that is written in the stars, a magic disco belt er um Aztec
medallion belt to give Tony his birthright, powers and just about
everything else that could get you locked away in a rubber room.
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| A mystical Christmas ornament!?! |
But
wait, should our would-be hero not have a villain to combat? Look
no further as towering 5'6" balding, blue eyed voice that all
Carpenter's Halloween fans know and love, Kobras (Donald
Pleasence of The Great Escape, Night Creature, Halloween, Dracula
1979, Escape from New York, Halloween II, Phenomena, Warrior Queen,
Prince of Darkness, Django Strikes Again, The House of Usher and
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers)
proceeds to use an ancient Aztec gold mask to... take over the minds
of political officials in England. Yeah that is something I had to
write. Kobras and his cronies must dispatch the only thing standing
in their way to total worldwide rule is the Puma Man of which
Pleasence pronounces it Pewma. Gave me a little smile.
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| Sir, my sweatsuit is making its own gravy. |
Perhaps
where pummelings and gun-play failed we throw Pumaman a sultry dame
instead? So enter the girl, Miss Jane Dobson (Sydne
Rome of What?, Creezy, Just a Gigolo, The Pumaman, In the Heat of the
Night, Tierra de canones, Pope John XXIII and Don Matteo)
who if she and Tony were to mate would provide some pretty but dopey
babies. With England and soon the world to be in Kobras' pocket,
the Pumaman must embrace his powers, tacky costume and fly...like a
puma to do battle and save the world.
Okay
due to this being a TV movie made in 1980 with ADM Film Department, it
did not hit the states via CBS until 1985 so shucks I missed it.
The flying scenes will make you belt out laughing due to the blue
screen shots transition from day to night in a matter of a few
moments, so either Pewmaman can travel through time zones like the
frickin Flash with his butt in the air (harness gag
wasn't set right or they had him flailing in a static pose)
or they might have goofed on the screenshots. My favorite part is
when Onion, I mean Vadinho tells us his people are Aztecs from the
Andes plateau (WRONG!!!! That would be the Incas!!!
The Aztecs hailed from Mexico, the southern regions. Look at a
history book, writer!) The
Casio goofy synthesizer music which is his theme song is...charming
and whimsical. Not the sound I am looking for in my superhero flick
but it beats hearing that damn power chord in EVERYTHING Christopher
Nolan and Zach Synder direct these days. So honestly this is good
for a chuckle as they are clearly trying to treat this film seriously
in spite of the writing and lack of budget. Do yourself a favor
though, watch the MST3K or Mystery Science Theater 3000 version
instead. Good riffing to be had.
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| Oh sure, just drape me like eye candy. Gonna slap my agent. |
