Endgame

 Howdy boys and girls! Well September is here...Um less heat? With that in mind I felt a need. For Speed? Nah I have a need for some post-apocalyptic goofiness from Italy. Yes when you need a bizarre and over the top post-apocalypse, you go to Italy every time. A mutant needs the aid of a TV game show Gladiator (Nitro?) to help lead her band of mutants to a safe harbor. This is Endgame. 

 

Post-apocalyptic power couple..

 

 

 

 

 

Brought to us by exploitation and mock-buster director Joe D' Amato (Anthroopophagus, Erotic Nights of the Living Dead, Porno Holocaust, Absurd a.k.a. Zombi 8, Ator, the Fighting Eagle, Cave Dwellers, 2020 Texas Gladiators and Zombie 5: Killing Birds) and served with a smile, we catch up with the world post World War III. Um is that the Star Trek Eugenics Wars? The Apes taking over the planet? Man, this alternative futures are hard to keep track of.

Opening credits sequence just sounds like someone bored and noodling around with Casio keyboard. Sorry but first gripe kicked in already. Lot of mushroom cloud footage to signify the end of days. The year is 2025 (saaaay, that's not too far away) and humanity has been bombarded with nuclear radiation, the towns and cities are wastelands and some semblance of order has been established. The big source of entertainment are the gladiators (cue Running Man theme), as they slaughter one another for the spectators' viewing pleasure. So, reality TV just got a bit darker. Endgame was founded in 2012 (don't remember that but I don't follow much TV) and the zones change as they have participants around the world. A simple televised Hunter vs Prey and the clock is running for 12 hours, so our athletes better not have skipped cardio or leg day.

 

Umbrella Company's Hunks?!

 

 

 

 

 

Moving on, the rat population haven't been altered other than feeding on human cadavers, these may be the same rats from Bruno Mattei's Rats: Night of Terror. They do get best Italian knock-off top-billing. A gaggle of storm troopers (A passel? A herd? A scourge?) in decked out in black gas masks, helmets and a leather ensemble that was faaaabulous!! Of course those German MP40 made by Steyr Arms might keep most folk at bay.

FUN FACT! MP38s were some of the first German sub-machine guns during WWII and yet somehow their successors survived WWIII??? Yeah I am just as baffled as you are now, folks. They're searching the catacombs and burnt building for telepaths and other such mutants...so they can kill them. Probably because they're the baddies. Still they are fabulously dressed in spite of their gauche behavior. Love they have this weird hybrid of a gig-counter and Ghostbusters EKG. Oh no, Xavier gave them a portable Cerebro!!! SELLOUT!!

 

Butch fella, ain't he?

 

 

 

 

 

Resident Wasteland Champion of Endgame...Ron Shannon (Al Cliver of Black Emmanuelle, White Emmanuelle,Zombi 2, Rulers of the City, Apache Woman, Blazing Flowers, Devil Hunter, The Black Cat, 2020 Texas Gladiators, Touch of Death and The New Gladiators). Yeah I gotta pause right there. Savior of the future mutants is named...Ron. Lacks the gravitas of Professor Xavier. Well he is the best at what he does and what he does ain't pretty. (Where have I read that? Oh well.) Shannon and "Ninja" (Hal Yamanouchi of The Humanoid, Gardenia, I'm Photogenic, The Last Hunter, Hearts and Armour, Sing Sing, Endgame The Lone Runner and Under the Chinese Restaurant) a fellow gladiator have been recruited by Lilith (the forever gorgeous Laura Gemser of Black Emanuelle, Emanuelle in Bangkok, Black Cobra Woman, Voyage of the Damned, Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals, Sister Emanuelle and Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade) to assist her and a gathering of mutants to a safe place free of the cruelty of humanity.

Good luck avoiding all of humanity! Granted the population has gone down due to nuclear holocaust, you're still going to need trade, commerce, bartering and farming. Not to mention if the radiation effected insect life like in Damnation Alley, yer gettin' giant bugs! 

 Lilith pleads for Shannon's help for not just her sake or the mutants, but maybe to give Shannon something other than blood rending slaughter. Peace of mind perhaps.

A few notes of interest, officially sponsoring the Endgame is Life/Plus. Increases muscle fibers and sexual prowess. Yup ,Boner Biscuits. Sorry if I spoiled that for you but when we have been subjected to 25 years of boner pills and aphrodisaics as a paid for advertisements, it didn't seem that off putting. Plus Yosamite Sam has something else to scream when things go awry. Aw, boner biscuits!

Wanting Shannon's head on a pig pole for the world to see is Kurt Karnak (Writer/actor George Eastman of Django Shoots First, The Cobra, Django Kills Softly, Baba Yaga, Anthropophagus, Porno Holocaust, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Absurd, 2019: After the Fall of New York, Hands of Steel, Blastfighter and The Barbarians), a dude who I am convinced between his Kenny Loggins' good looks and the snarling drool foaming on his face, homie may O.D. On Life/Plus Boner Biscuits. It is hard for me to take the hunters serious when their war paint looks like Bowie's glam rock era or the Kiss Army of the Apocalypse, "Oh Hell, Tim. Let's run! Ziggy Stardust is back on our trail!" A sentence uttered by no man...ever.

As Shannon is listed as prey this game, he is doing everything to sway the hunters. False trails, hidden traps and straight-up ambush attacks. While the general populous is glued to Not Deathrace 2000, the government is meeting secretly to plot and exterminate (EXTERMINATE!!!) the mutant community buuut no big, hulking sentinels. Just the previous kill squads in their fabulous leather numbers. Also according to these heads of...state or county, the community viewing the show is no more than 5 million people. Um, aren't there close to 7 billion living on this planet right now?!!

Math is not my strong suit but that would mean more than 1 billion, 1 hundred thousand were wiped out in the initial bombing alone. Add nuclear winter, starvation, inadequate irrigation, no healthcare and less food means almost 3 billion starved or killed one another.

Back to the film, Lilith and Shannon start trying to come to terms with each of their life choices, and while Lilith is by far the more noble of the two, we are seeing Shannon finally believe in something other than himself. The karate chop of death Shannon keeps using was cracking me up. I guess they were going for Dim Mak or Touch of Death if you prefer. The facial expressions the guys chose though. Yeesh. One guy looked like he climaxed...IN HIS PANTS!!! Shannon puts together a team of mercs with promise of two pounds of gold as payment if they can help transport the mutants 200 miles in the badlands.

Yes lady readers, there's a rape scene in Act 2 buuut it isn't a ton of nudity. The dialogue used was pretty foolish but again I always feel I have to warn readers of such if you feel the need to watch the movie in question.

With a Joe D' Amato film, expect over the top dialogue delivery, fight and gun fight scenes (the exception being the Sci-Fi Fantasy films), a handful of sexual content (See what I did there?) and story about the human condition.

Is this a brilliant movie? No. Is it a bad movie? Not really. Feels more like a lazy Saturday flick for the fellas and maybe some violence enthusiastic ladies. Overall, the film keeps to the Post-Apocalypse route of the end of civilization, humanity rearing its head back into the world full of devastation and how they overcome those desperate odds. 

 

Okay, I think the writer is giving us crap.

 

 

Italian Exploitation: Sister Emanuelle

And we are back for the Italian Exploitation Week. Sorry for the delay. Just got my stuff and there are tons of boxes and furniture. Okay that is an exaggeration. About 60 boxes and 19 pieces of furniture to be precise. Heaven knows what happens when one is not precise.

So taking a break from cutting open boxes I thought we would get the Nunsploitation flick out of the way. Nunsploitation? What's that? Well usually an innocent is corrupted by theme, scenario, environment, Satan or other supernatural means. This time around we will not witness Inquisition style whippings, searing, branding or disembowelment and thank God for that. Trust me, seen too many of those misogynistic flicks for a good damn while. Our film speaks of a young woman walking away from her sinful past and give herself to the church...but old habits die hard. This is Sister Emanuelle.

Confess your sins...slowly.

Helmed by Western and Mundo (action/adventure with extreme violence) director Giuseppe Vari (Shoot the Living and Pray for the Dead, The Last Traitor, Who Killed the Prosecutor and Why?, Lady Dynamite and Urban Warriors) brings a tale of a girl of the world and by world I mean she has been promiscuous. *Gasp. Yeah because again it is a horrible offense for a girl to want to have sex with whomever she chooses...I guess...I didn't make these rules so I ignore that behavior.

Emanuelle (Laura Gemser of Black Emanuelle, Emmanuelle II, Emanuelle in Bangkock, Emmanuelle on Taboo Island, Black Cobra Woman, Voyage of the Damned, Emanuelle in America, Crime Busters, Confessions of Emanuelle and Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals) through with her lustful ways turning to vows of chastity and becomes a nun. 

 

Oh look. Her Sex-Ed tutor is here.

 She has been asked to Venice by a wealthy Baron Catsabriaga (Rik Battaglia of Sodam and Gomorrah, Winnetou: The Last Shot, Duck, You Sucker and A Genius, Two Friends, and a Idiot) to mend the wicked ways of his daughter Monica (Monica Zanchi of Sister Emanuelle, Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals, Hitch-Hike, Zombi 2, The Erotic Dreams of Cleopatra and Naftalina) as he caught her in the act of the down and dirty with her stepmother. Makes you wonder how long he was actually watching before he got indignant and grumbly. It is up to the good sister to help Monica mend her ways and turn to the path of the good book.

So it is off to the convent for Monica. Pretty sure the stepmother is either getting divorced, flogged or handed to the factions of the church from Mark of the Devil no doubt. Our little Monica is a sly one and has her heart on seducing Emanuelle bringing back her wanton ways she has attempted to supress. Gemser's portrayal almost feels like she is haunted by her past and tells herself she wants nothing to do with it. That she has moved on and yet it keeps coming back. To make matters worse, Monica lets in a wanted rapist/drug peddler/murderer because he's pretty and was nice to her. Yeah you can tell this was not written by a woman at all. Subtle hints are there to back this up.

Nuns have needs too.

The nuns are strict, the schoolgirls pent up and...yeah I really am not going to go into lavish detail on this. The convent looked familiar. The grounds and the fact it was a castle with a large courtyard. Guess what ICWXP and Rifftrax fans. It is Balsorano Castle via Bloody Pit of Horror. Well I am sure those girls will sleep well at night knowing the Crimson Executioner is oiling himself up and waiting to judge them all for their sins. So yes if you need a schoolgirl/nun, schoolgirl/schoolgirl and Euro fuzzy men crawling on "schoolgirls" then you are in luck. If perhaps this is not your cup of tea, GO WATCH ANYTHING ELSE!!!! The pattern of well it's been 5 minutes, time for some more booby was getting ridiculous.

A bit of trivia, Laura Gemser took over the character of Emanuelle from Sylvia Kristel after she was the lead character for more than 7 films. It's like the saucy Doctor Who. The character keeps regenerating and de-aging everytime and her sole purpose is...well to bone or be boned. Perhaps not as noble as the Doctor I grant you but a ridiculously long lasting character. Lucky me, I got to view the 90 minutes Euro version uncut. There's a penis joke in that last statement, isn't there?

Casual day for the convent...OF HORROR!!!