Random Movie: Conquest of the Planet of the Apes

Welcome back readers. I found something interesting. The ratings board put the first three Planet of the Apes under a "G" rating. With gunfights, weapons battles, blood and mild swearing that was a "G" rating. Huh. Could learn something there modern day MPAA. Today is a film that was apparently too violent for the youngins in the crowd they had to bump it up to PG. Savagery, slavery and monstrous behavior on both fronts. This is Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.

Ricardo, someone pinched my butt.

Yeah yeah, back to the damn dirty apes joke blah blah. We return to a totalitarian police state of the United States. In this future a virulent plague wiped out small animals so the natural conclusion is to train apes to be household pets, servants and in general, enslavement. Guess sign language for fresh fruit and bounding around wasn't entertaining enough for the humans.

We catch up with Armando (Ricardo Montalban of Space Seed, The Train Robbers, Wonder Woman, The Mark of Zorro, Joe Panther, Police Story, Fantasy Island, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and Spy Kids 3: Game Over), the circus owner and follower of St. Francis of Assisi, patron saint of animals is back in town to provide amusement to those under tyrannical reign.

Now you all clean up your poops!

 

Milo now named Caesar (Roddy McDowell of The Felony Squad, Planet of the Apes, 5 Card Stud, Night Gallery, A Taste of Evil, The Poseidon Adventure, The Legend of Hell House, Fright Night and Batman The Animated Series) Cornelius and Zira's son from Escape from the Planet of the Apes all grown up baffled why all humans are not like Armando. Armando explains that subterfuge is the only way he can survive and not exhibit higher intelligence or the power of speech because the government fears an ape revolt that will overthrow humanity.

Police states implement order!!!

City Controller Breck (Don Murray of Bus Stop, A Hatful of Rain, Endless Love, Soldier of Fortune, Wings, The Single Guy and Island Prey) is adamant that he will be the man to find Cornelius and Zira's offspring and destroy him for the sake of humanity. So clearly enslaving his people should win him over. Meanwhile his assistant Malcolm (Hari Rhodes of Daktari, Shock Corridor, Detroit 9000, Coma, The Fall Guy, Magnum P.I., Donor and Cover Up) bites his tongue on the racist tendencies shown by white men in power and abusing their authority. May hit too close to home but he does his level best to rein him in when it looks like he is going over the top.

Armando is scooped up by Ape Control which is pretty much this future's Gestapo. Seriously, right down to the all black uniforms, sashes on their arms and brutal mentality. Caesar called the lot bastards and Armando takes the blame without hesitation. They go to town on Armando with beatings and lie detectors trying to find out if he knows whereabouts of Milo now known as Caesar. Knowing his number is up, Armando sacrifices himself to save Caesar.

Caesar infiltrates Ape Control, bides his time and prepares to go to war. Humans stole his parents and his surrogate parent. Revenge on them and liberation of his people is all that is on his mind. With observations of routine and lazy behavior of his human captors, Caesar prepares to win over his people, arm them and mount bloody retribution.

Will the humans survives this? Will apes dominate the world? Can a compromise be made?

The inherent cruelty to the apes pushes this animal lover's buttons something fierce until you remember, "Oh right, those are guys in costume. Unpucker, butthole." Once again SciFi doesn't pull punches about classism, racism and separation covered all in this one film. Subjugation is a way of life that no one seems to question or if they do, it is never out loud. A handful of picketing lines about waiters getting the shaft but other than that, no one even speaks up for the apes. Complete governmental control is as common as breathing and the people don't speak up about curfews, big brother watching its citizens' purchases and work environment?

I mean c'mon. This is exactly what the Trump administration wishes they could get away with.

I won't fib. Of all five of the original Apes films, this is probably the most violent. Do I think the modern day children will be horribly scarred if they watch it? Nah. I would have loved to have seen all five in the theater as a kid rather than chopped up for TV. Hell I didn't see Planet of the Apes unvarnished until I was 25 and at an art theater. So if you enjoyed the previous three films, yes catch this one as well. If anything my own complaint about this movie was the same with the previous three. I just had to go and get the letterbox version. If these flicks don't interest you at all, well why were you reading this review?   Seems a tad silly. 

Ape terrorists equal gorilla warfare.

The Original: The Legend of Hell House

Greetings gang and welcome to the week. Now I know the "Random Goofy" was a terrible title and the reviews were however enjoyed minus that horrible tagline with them so this time around I decided to watch several of the original versus their remakes. Some of the remakes in question were highly enjoyable and unbeknownst to me were in fact, remakes. This marks to be a wonderful exercise in comparison but I promise to not harp on the remakes and remain as objective as humanly possible. Today's film I saw the remake in 2009 and was not that impressed. The film in question was Hell House and turns out aside from its title had no real direct relation with today's movie but apparently a 2017 remake of the original is on its way. This is The Legend of Hell House.

Sex more than once a year? You must be mad, dear.

Now it would appear that the blanket name "Hell House" has been used as an alternative titles as far back as 1982 so you can understand my confusion. With Next of Kin in 1982, Carnage in 1984, The Haunting of Sorority Row a.k.a. The Deadly Pledge in 2007, Hell House in 2009 and finally Hell House LLC in 2015 you can begin to grasp my confusion. On with the film.

Millionaire Mr. Deutsch (Roland Culver of The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp, Dead of Night, Thunderball, The Uncanny, The Greek Tycoon and Saint Joan) hires physicist Lionel Barrett (Clive Revill of Galileo, Pinocchio, The Great Houdini, The New Avengers, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, Zorro: The Gay Blade, Alvin & the Chipmunks, Snorks, C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud, and Star Wars: X-Wing) to do an in-depth top to bottom shakedown of the Belasco House, a home reputed to be the end all, the mother load of haunted houses once owned by a perverse millionaire and alleged murderer Emeric Belasco (Michael Gough of The Man in the White Suit, Horror of Dracula, Count of Monte Cristo, The Protectors, Doctor Who, Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever and Batman & Robin) this towering 6 foot 5 mountain of a man. (FYI, Michael Gough is maybe 5'11") Deutsch is obsessed with the idea of proof of life after death that the house becomes his focal point as the stories of the house being haunted by the victims of Belasco's sadistic pleasures of torture and murder. Yup, that sounds like a vacation spot to me. Guy could have saved a ton of scratch and just called the Ghostfinders via Simon R Green.

Kitty doesn't want milk. Kitty wants your soul!!!

Barrett arrives with his wife Ann (Gayle Hunnicutt of Marlowe, Scorpio, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, The Return of The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Philip Marlowe, Private Eye, Target and Dallas)as well as two mediums, one a psychic Florence Tanner (Pamela Franklin of The Innocents, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, And Soon the Darkness, Barnaby Jones, Trapper John, M.D., and Fantasy Island) and a survivor of a disasterous attempt to review the house prior 20 years ago, Ben Fischer (Roddy McDowell of Robert Montgomery Presents, Matinee Theatre, Midnight Lace, Batman, Night Gallery, The Planet of The Apes, Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, A Taste of Evil, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, McCloud, Battle for the Planet of the Apes, Planet of the Apes TV series, Funny Lady, The Martian Chronicles, Fright Night, Fright Night II and Batman: The Animated Series) as a physical medium sensitive to the supernatural.

Yikes, the quaaludes kicked in something fierce.

Naturally Barrett doesn't wish his wife to accompany him after the event where Fischer was the only one to live but Ann insists to join him. Fischer seems to be keeping his head down and his psychic shields up. He is strictly in it for the pay day. The curious quartet must spend the winter week in isolation, discover the mystery of Belasco House or Hell House if you prefer and survive its madness.

Writer/novelist/screenwriter Richard Matheson (I Am Legend, Die! Die! My Darling!, De Sade, Being, Duel, Night Gallery, Circle of Fear, The Night Stalker, Hell House, Trilogy of Terror, Dead of Night, Jaws 3-D, What Dreams May Come and Stir of Echoes) is no stranger to horror but the intensity of his novel had such an impact with its graphic violence and more excessive sex scenes that he had to water it down for the screenplay to give the movie more of a brooding or foreboding ambience.  FYI, this was eerie as hell so I am now curious to read the book.

The music really sets the atmosphere of dread and things to come. It is almost a character in of itself driving the story along. It has always been hinted that this story is loosely based on the occultist/alchemist/writer Aleister Crowley. There is a fair degree of nudity, psycho-sexual dreams and bizarre practical effects for this film so I wouldn't recommend it for the kiddies. 

Guess the spirits didn't care for the place settings.

Bloodsucker Sequels : Fright Night

Welcome back ladies and gents to Bloodsucker Sequels. Now I know I am violating this concept already but I never got around to reviewing this particular title prior and then tomorrow I can do its sequel good and proper. What do you do when your next door neighbor is a monster? Well don't call the cops. Get Blade. No Blade option? Burn down the house...or you go the route of Charley Brewster. This is Fright Night.

Tater tots on Ala carte??  Hot damn!

Welcome to Fright Night. For real. An excellent line for a cheeseball 80's horror film full of fun, goofs, gore and some sythesizer music with sweet, sweet jazz. Horror buff, comic book nerd Charley Brewster (William Ragsdale of Fright Night, Smooth Talk, Mannequin: On the Move, Herman's Head, Ellen, Just a Little Harmless Sex, Brother's Keeper, Grosse Pointe, Judging Amy, Big Momma's House 2 and Road House 2: Last Call) is a typical, horny teenager ruled by his hormones and girlfriend Amy (Amanda Bearse of All My Children, Protocol, Fright Night, Married with Children, The Doom Generation, Give or Take an Inch and Shy Sharks) won't give it up. Bummer dude! Meh, like I care if the kids are screwing like bunnies.

Psst Charley, vampire wingman get you laid!

To help distract him of his blue balls, a has-been actor that host a late night TV show Fright Night, Peter Vincent (Roddy McDowall of That Darn Cat!, Batman, Planet of the Apes, The Legend of Robin Hood, Journey to Murder, Pretty Maids All in a Row, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, The Poseidon Adventure, The Legend of Hell House, Planet of the Apes TV series, The Fantastic Journey and Circle of Iron) to tell tales of vampires slain and how to dispatch them... foreshadow much? Next door the house that has been abandoned on the block for ages has a van move up on it as two men unload items and one of those items resembles a coffin? How bizarre.

Jerry Danridge (Chris Sarandon of Dog Day Afternoon, The Day Christ Died, Protocol, Fright Night, The Princess Bride, Child's Play, Slaves of New York, Whispers, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Bordello of Blood and Let the Devil Wear Black) appears to be a charming, sexy and captivating man about town but only at night. Charley witnesses Jerry feeding on a lady of ill repute and see his manservant Billy (Project X, House II: The Second Story, Rain Man, The Spirit of '76, Career Opportunities, Mom and Dad Save the World, Ellen and Stop It) take plastic bags out roughly about the size of a body.

Acid reflux's final stage!

Amy and Charley's buddy Ed "Evil Ed" (Stephen Geoffreys of Fright Night, At Close Range, 976-EVIL, Moon 44, Wild Blade, Sex on the Beach, The Leather Virgin, Motel Sex, Manhunt, Cock Pit, Butt Blazer, Buff and Gay and Private Temptations) harass Peter Vincent to convince Charley that he has an overactive imagination. Low and behold Jerry cast no reflexation in a mirror. Jerry abducts Amy later in the evening and leaves Charley to bring Vincent into his fight against the undead. Can Charley and Peter fight Jerry and his manservant? Will they save Amy before she is turned?

SFX creature FX gurus Dale Brady and Bill Sturgeon (Ghostbusters, Aliens, House, The Blob, Cast a Deadly Spell, Demented, The Thing, Howling II: ... Your Sister Is a Werewolf and Beetlejuice) do a combination of prosthetic makeup and appliances and some stop motion creatures with skeletal and mechanical designs.

It is campy, gory and a lot of fun. Don't take it seriously and you will enjoy it that much more and well straight ladies and gay fellas, Chris Sarandon shirtless in the 80s will be worth the viewing. 

Did I remember to tape Elvira last night?