The Butchers

 Greetings Readers of the Rotten. Well I'm back with a much requested horror movie. Yeah I'm thrilled to be diving back into this genre (he said with the greatest amount of sarcasm), so we will see if this is remotely entertaining. A gathering of strangers on a bus having their bus break down, brings them to a house and yes THEY READ FROM THE BOOK! This is The Butchers a.k.a. Death Factory a.k.a. The Factory 

 

Silent but deadly...

 

 

 

 

 

Now the film I found had the title "Death Factory" but it was not the Brad Sykes 2002 movie. So it is a film of alternative titles!!! YAY! Always a good sign! Yes we have the trope goodness of young teens to 20 somethings recipe of disturbing the dead, the monster, the ancient curse. Those pesky kids with their boozing, fornication and loving life. Our opening credits look like a combo platter of Super 8 movies, old stills, TV static and an acid trip. Combining eerie chamber music with these visions makes this flick already bizarre. Oh and I forgot the biggest spoilers of them all, the fricking serial killer trial publications. Way to let that one slip out of the bag.

Brothers Simon (Damien Puckler of 666: The Beast, Death Racers, Camel Spiders, Grimm,Chase and Redwood Massacre: Annihilation) and Brian (Cameron Bowen of Blue's Clues, Touched by an Angel, Fraiser, Disney Golf, American Dreams, Seabiscuit, Mystic River, Wristcutters: A Love Story, Young Justice, and Young Justice: Legacy) are stuck on a bus, Simon relives a nightmare of him killing his father after his father slain his mother. Always a classic, right?

 

That chick in the earlier picture float an air biscuit?

 

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile a eerie looking lawyer JB (Semi Anthony of Circle of Influence, Against the Grain, The Chosen Ones, Death Factory, Modern Family, Triumph, Abby Grace and Headgame) is "hell bent" to purchase this a museum honoring serial killers or edifying them. The landowner on the other hand, he doesn't feel like selling in spite of the generous offer by JB.   JB decides to fall back on his second offer and stabs said landowner to death and get on about his business.   His business is reading from THE BOOK OF THE DEAD??!!! He get that from Ashley J Williams??!  Ash drop that on eBay?!   Actually, that does sound like a bonehead move Ash would do.  Don't forget to say every, tiny syllable.

The museum happens to hold the blood samples of all said serial killers. Hold up. Suspending disbelief here. Since when did this particular ghoulish effect occur in forensics?  Why would law enforcement as far back as Albert Fish a.k.a. The Cannibal Vampire would have blood samples and how on God's green Earth and convoluted plot line would this dinky museum have the money, power and connections to acquire their blood???

 

Daggum CGI fires!

 

 

 

 

 

 

At this point, the bus breaks down in the same dinky, ghost town and our passengers are forced off the bus for repairs.  PLOT POINT!!!  Let's get a Mouseketeer line-up of our soon-to-be deadies. There's plucky Nicole (Ire Wardlaw of Leverage, Hopelessy in June, Blackstar Warrior, Gone Girl, Intruder and State of Desolation), premiscous Candi (Charito Mertz of Passions, The Suite Life of Zack & Cody, Greek, Days of Our Lives, Trapped: Haitian Nights, Next Stop fo Charlie, CityBird and FCU: Fact Checkers Unit), steadfast Star (actress/stunt person Tonya Kay of The Muppets, Fully Loaded, Silverwood: Final Recordings, Raze, The Lone Ranger, Dark Space, The Kill Corporation, Nightmare Code, Bastard, The Other Wife, The Amityville Terror, The Fosters and A Better Place), doofus horndog Kip (Jacob Hobbs of Almost a Woman, Hercules, Death Factory, Headgame and Army of One), bellicose Ren (Jeremy Thorsen of America's Court with Judge Ross, Decisions, Tosh.0, Girls of Sunset Place, B4, Deadly Wives and Hotels Secrets & Legends), Daisy (Mily Sanders of Profiler, Boyz Nite Out/Grrlz Nite in, The Removals, Humbug, Sunday Driver and Here Piggy Piggy) and...Bill (Braxton Davis of Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance, The Ghetto, WEAPONiZED, A Weekend with the Family, Let It Bleed, Causal Encounters, Better Criminal, The Aliens and American Exorcism).

Off the bus and screwing around, Ren and Star find the Book of the Dead and OF COURSE they read from it, thus resurrecting six nutter butters to a night of holy terror.  SMOOOOTH!!! Your encore is what?  Bad touching someone's mother while simultaneously pouring sugar in my gas tank??!!

 

Tee hee. Plot development.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And yes, yes yes fellas, there's titty. Every friggin' time I review a slasher film, it is almost always asked so yes bewbs are a happenin'. They can't further the plot, but they can momentarily distract you.

Let's not make this out like all I am doing is bashing the film. This was a professional crew, lighting, sound and film all commercial grade, the cast did their best with the given dialogue and money was made.   Thing is I simply was not captured by it.   So at the end of the day I was not emotionally invested in the film and this is just my opinion.   Would I advise people to watch it?  No.  That doesn't mean someone else won't watch and take away from the movie what I could not.

 

Overall, there is some clever ideas like what was done with Jack the Ripper, the SFX gore and a bit of CGI is feasible but it boils down to gore gags, less than stellar dialogue and two-dimensional characters.  That's not to say this was a bad film, it just lacked cohesion.  A lot of ideas and a limited ability to house them all.  I have seen better movies but again this wasn't crap.   A lot of thought went into it but clearly this was a real difficult one to pull off well.

Your weapons, your clothes, give them to me.

Rob Zombie's Halloween

Howdy again, Realm of Rotten Readers. I'm begging you guys to come up with something more catchy. It is just not happening for me. Okay, today on the docket has been a fan request for some time. 

 Initially I wasn't interested because I am touchy about remakes but I have been a fan of the man's writing/music and directing so let's see if the unrated version is a bit more intriguing. For some of you that asked me to NOT review this, tough. If you this does not capture your attention, I am more than certain there are other blogs out there. This is Rob Zombie's Halloween.

 

You're my only Kirk, Mr. Shatner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, yes I know Carpenter fans. I am fully aware many of you booed and hissed your way through this flick. I get it. It was not your cup of tea. Let us set aside these issues before I have Malcolm McDowell Cameo the hell out of your social media! I mean, if I can afford that.

We hearken back to the days of young Michael Myers (Daeg Faerch of Dark Mirror, Halloween, Hancock, Run! Bitch Run!, Sebastian, Ditch Party and Killer Therapy) may have a few personality quirks...in the same way Attila the Hun may have had an thriving outdoors-man lifestyle.

The thing is...Zombie's idea was to step away from Carpenter's "Pure Evil" storyline because he wanted his own spin of the flick. Obviously he is a fan of the original but he didn't want to rely heavily on the existing formula. So he gave Michael a bad childhood. A bully big sister, a mother that moonlights as a stripper, a baby sister, an abusive stepfather (No not Terry o' Quinn) and he's constantly berated at school by bullies. Slowly this starts to warp the lad and the next thing you know, he's onto computer games, comic books and RPGs. Oh no, wait. He starts murdering the neighborhood pets. Some sort of catharsis strangling a cat or three. 

 

Another Craigslist Causal Encounters comes to a close.

 

 

 

 

 

 

His mother Deborah (Sherri Moon Zombie of House of 1000 Corpses, Toolbox Murders, The Devil's Rejects, Halloween, Californication, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto and The Lords of Salem) has been made aware of the strange goings on of her little boy, but it doesn't seem to register that she is raising a sociopath.  THE KID HAD A DEAD CAT IN HIS BOOK BAG!!!  How many warning sirens and klaxons you need to go off, lady?  Sheesh!  But Dopey Deborah just puts the whole scenario down as boys being boys.   WTF??!!! 

 

Just payin' for college. Honest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Abusive stepdad Ronnie (William Forsythe of Raising Arizona, Out For Justice, Dick Tracy, Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead, Virtuosity, The Rock, Boardwalk Empire, The Mob Doctor, and The Witching Hour) is a drunk, unemployed and generally worthless. CHARACTER!

Mikey decides he's grows weary of bully beatings and catches up with one of the boys beating him repeatedly with a thick tree branch. I mean we hear the meaty thunks and the bully boy crying his eyes out. Should have popped him in the mouth, son. Would have been more mumbles than screams. It does sound pathetic as you begin to realize his parents are probably wondering why he's not back from school yet.

Oh quick note, isn't it funny that Charles Lee Ray(Brad Dourif of Child's Play) and Alex DeLarge (Malcolm McDowell of A Clockwork Orange) are pairing up to stop a serial killer?  Yeah it's food for thought, right?

Like a CGI crocodile, Michael's on a rampage as he gives Ronnie and Judith the business end of the murder tools. Also I really couldn't muster any sympathy for Ronnie and Judith, both were kind of awful. Maybe turning them into frickin' kabobs was a bit much, but I couldn't say.

40 minutes of the film is spent showing us Michael going down the rabbit hole to full blown loony tunes. The scenes with Young Michael (Daeg) and Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell of A Clockwork Orange, Time After Time, Caligula, Cat People, Class of 1999, Tank Girl, Star Trek: Generations, Wing Commander, Wing Commander Academy, God of War III and Suing the Devil) establishing the rapport the boy has for his doctor as this is ultimately the only real father figure he has ever had. Loomis tries to avoid becoming attached and remain clinical but he cannot help but allow his heart to go out to one so young and lost. Granted, telling this kid that his wife has up and left as well as, most of his friends because he cannot seem to get past Michael's issues seems a tad unprofessional.

Okay the biggest complaint about this film has been that everyone working in the wacko basket is either rude, heartless or has a rape-like tendency. Seems like there were no personality screening at this nut house.

17 years institutionalized at the institute and Michael makes his move. Funny how he's as big as Tyler Mane from X-Men. Previous Michaels had suffered enough from stunt injuries. 2007? Couldn't have gotten Kane Hodder? Sure he wouldn't be playing Voorhees but I bet he could have made a fun spin on Myers. 

 

O.M.G. We're adorbs!

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever happened to Baby Boo? Well she's now Laurie Strode (Scout-Taylor Compton of Charmed, Wicked Little Things, Halloween, April Fool's Day, The Runaways, Nashville, Feral, The Lurker and Eternal Code) and thankfully she has 80s Mom badass herself, Dee Wallace! By God if there's a critter, rabid St. Bernard or pack of werewolves, Dee's got this in the bag! 

Accompanying Laurie is Annie Brackett (Halloween alumni Danielle Harris of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, The Last Boy Scout, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, Roseanne, Left for Dead, Hatchet II, Stake Land, Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2, Hatchet III and Camp Dread) and Lynda (Kristina Klebe of Zone of the Dead, Criminal Minds, 6 Month Rule, Alter Egos, The Kiss of a Killer, Proxy, Friday the 13^th: The Game and Slay Belles)

For those not following; I will give you the heads up. Yes, there is nudity. Yes there is elaborate gore and yes there is some dialogue that will make you cringe. IT'S A SLASHER FLICK! This did not RUIN the Halloween franchise. Those precious gobbets of Horror are still out there. The original film didn't suddenly burst into flames or was written out of the spacetime contiuum.

Seriously, with the "Thorn" trilogy of Jamie, to the H20 reboot claiming 1 and 2 were the only cannon, and then the 8^th stink nugget Resurrection? Yes, clearly it was Rob Zombie's foul deeds that would ever made this garbled storyline awful. Busta Rhymes killing Michael. The hell, man?

Is this for every Halloween fan? Maybe not. While there are more orchestrated death scenes, it really feels like Zombie was doing the gore grab bag to see what looked nastier on film. Did it make money? Yes! With a budget of 15 million estimated the US Gross alone was over $58 million. Hell, opening weekend was $26 million right there.

Chronology is the biggest gripe for a lot of the critics. Most of the vehicles, music and clothing look like the late 70s, so this could simply be a nod to the original, however as the 17 years have passed, clothing styles, cars and cell phones are making their way so now it looks like the 2000s. I don't know. Hell my only real beef is an insane asylum would have metal forks around a bunch of nutter butters. You know, that whole fear that one of the inmates could use it to attack hospital staff or fellow inmates. That being said, I now want to see a graphic death scene with a spork. Am I alone on this? Huh? HUH?! 

 

With talented character actors like Bill Mosely, Ken Foree, Danny Trejo, Richard Lynch, Clint Howard, Udo Kier, Sybil Danning and Leslie Easterbrook, it is damn hard to say who I am most happy to see in a flick. Now yes, I do admit to enjoying "The Boogeyman" legend of Michael Myers and Donald Pleasence as the voice of the conscience but AGAIN, Rob wanted to do his own story. It is my firm belief if he did the exact carbon copy of Halloween; there would be even more internet troll bitch fights. Win or lose, Zombie has product, an opening, a middle and an ending. That folks, is called a movie. Whether you were expecting me to crucify it or not, I am just looking at it from my point of view and nothing more.

 

Hang on. I have my script notes here.

 

Doom Asylum

So back again with a fan request. Yeah (sigh) one of those. Look, I am very appreciative of fan feedback but some of these "films" are pretty painful to sit through. Maybe a nice Billy Wilder movie? Anyway, today's moving picture has a member of Sex and the City, a deformed slasher and a punk band that performs in an abandoned mental asylum. This is Doom Asylum a.k.a. House of Horror.

Grandma Rotty?!

Director Richard Friedman (Tales from the Darkside, Scared Stiff, Friday the 13^th: The Series, Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge, Baywatch Nights, Ground Zero, Halfway to Hell and Love Hurts) working with the script penned by Rick Marx (In Love, Nasty Girls, Sex Spa U.S.A., Maid in Manhattan, Bordello: House of the Rising Sun, Warrior Queen and Gor) so this could be a world of hurt. Of course the director that brought me a cinematic treasure like Darkwolf it...oh wait, I didn't care for that flick. Yup this is gonna hurt.

We open our movie with lawyer Mitch Hansen (Michael Rogen of Doom Asylum, Basket Case 2, Punch the Clock, Wings, Midnight Caller and Tribeca) and his bubbly fiancee Judy (Patty Mullen of Doom Asylum, The Equalizer and Frankenhooker) are cruisin' across the back roads for a 5 million lawsuit and naturally celebrating with champagne while driving. Rut Roh, this is moving into The BrainThat Wouldn't Die territory (FYI watch the MST3K version) and of course we have an accident.

Yeah Highway head. What could go wrong?

Before we go further, yes menfolk there's titty. I know, I know the mention of jiggly girls, nerds vs punks and a mangled serial killer just couldn't have possibly captivated your attention.

Well Mitch is up on the slab for his autopsy. I got to ask why would there even be a need for an autopsy? Booze will still be in his system, that's a quick tox screening and the car was smashed pretty good. Open and shut case, baby. Yes I know, suspend disbelief. 

With a face resembling beef jerky, Mitch has had a tough day, so adding incompetence of the morgue attendee and his intern should really make his afternoon all a flutter. Mitch awakes on the slab and it's good bye morgue docs. Five minutes in and we cut to title cards and opening credits. Lot of pan shots of the abandoned asylum of which a bulk of the film will be taking place in. I heard weird damn near orgasmic moans, cat yowls and manic laughter. The film font for our title looked like a WB cartoon from the 50s. Biggest gripe of this opening is the camera doesn't appear to be on a stabilizer, so we have unintentional shaky cam.

Throw us some beads!!!

10 years later (in the film, not how long it took me to finish this), a gaggle of kids are out and about for some boozing and screwing and babbling about urban legend killers. Say aren't these slasher tropes? Darnell (Harrison White of Se7en, Like a Woman Should, L.A. Noire, The Muppets, Replaced, Bones, Maron, Dads, Rizzoli & Isles and Venice the Series) and his Goof Troop (I mean friends. Yeah friends) Jane (Kirstin Davis of General Hospital, Nine Months, Melrose Place, Three Days, Sex and the City, Soccer Moms and Couples Retreat) Dennis (Kenny L. Price of Doom Asylum), Mike (William Hay of Doom Asylum) and Kiki (Patty Mullen playing a duo role, this time as her previous character's daughter). This outing reminds Kiki this around the area where her mother died in a car accident. WOOO HOOO!!! PARTY DOWN!!! Wtf?!

Kiki and Mike have a heart to heart and well her other friends...they're kind of dicks. "Yer mom's dead! Move on." "I'm hungry!" Yeah glad to be partying with these shitbirds.

There's a legend in these here woods. About a killer known only as Mitch! I mean The Coroner. That he does away with his victims with autopsy tools. Yup that's about it. I imagine you are disappointed with this legend as much as I. Seriously, no Jason Voorhees level back story of the tragic loss of Mitch's face and his dead fiancee. Nothing.

The asylum apparently has a theater stage. Was that for the nutty talent show every year? What sounds like a banshee with a tit caught in a Cuisinart is actually our half-assed punk band.

It becomes this mediocre squabble between the Goof Troop and the pseudo punkers. Seriously? Starting a punk band in 1989? Bit late for that movement, right? 20 minutes into the film we start thinning the cast of one dimensional characters and thank God for that. I don't normally just start trashing a movie due to low budget or having a bunch of kids that never acted and so on but wow this was awful. There is some comedy in this, some of the one-liners from Beef Jerky Krueger are decent enough but overall the lead punk's annoying cackle made me want to burn The Plasmatic albums I have.  Gore effects are fair, a smart move having one main set but unfeasible that no one would have fled from it on foot or in the car. The camera blocking was alright but I really felt a stabilizer would have improved several shots.

Are we meeting our skin quota?

This movie was shot in eight days in an actual abandoned nut house in Verona, New Jersey and was deemed Kristin Davis' first full-length feature film. Ah a proud IMDB addition to the filmography.

Overall take away from this 78 minute movie? A clunky trope-laden film with gore gags, over the top dialogue and cheesy one-liners. No clear direct motive of killing the kids with the exception, he's crazy. Hell even the trip out of creeper former nut house made no damn sense at all. Story wise I had no clue what was going on and it is happenstance Coroner Mitch even bumped into Kiki so their whole potential story arc was shot to Hell and back.

My take from this is: a fine film for drinking games. If you need to riff a turd, look no further.

Pleatherface...

Sin Reaper

Hey there, gang! I'm back with a horror film to review. Yes I know, I do lapse into this a little too often but this particular flick is produced and distributed by the one and only, Fangoria Magazine. 

For those that aren't warped and eerie from so many slasher films or whatever fits the holy rollers' current criteria, Fangoria Magazine has been in print since 1979, started as a quarterly issue and it wasn't until the 7^th issue did it venture solely into Horror genre. In 2015, the magazine was ceased and unlikely to be back in print but had a huge internet following and the fans spoke out. Film producer Dallas Sonnier of Cinestate acquired the magazine in 2018 and also sunk fangs into podcasting, film production and novelization under the Fangoria flag.

FYI, films produced by Fangoria is as far back as 1990 with Bruce and Bill Campbell's Mindwarp so the magazine is no stranger to Horror distribution. Back to the movie now.

Today's flick is about a young woman with continuous nightmares or visions of a past she isn't certain is hers. After consulting with her shrink, she takes his advise and makes her way to Germany, seeking her ancestral roots. This is Sin Reaper.

Did I get top billing? Damn straight I did!

Heeeeeyyyy...her shrink looks an awful lot like an android. Yup that's Lance Henriksen, character actor extraordinaire!

The young woman is Samantha Walker (Helen Mutch of Lunar Girl, All in the Game, You're Fired!! Lycanthropy Gardens with Red Roses, The Village and Sin Reaper 3D) whose nightmares are about a disturbing cowled monk with a four sided ax? Maybe a flail? A mace? Need a SCA member to wage a guess. She converses with Frank Black there and sees what can be done. While Samantha has been with a loving family, she is adopted and knows next to nothing about her birth parents. Her artwork is vivid and she has a few medications but not quite the bevy I have seen. Doesn't seem to be on any anti-psychotics, her artwork is still being channeled.  Using her own drawings, Lance find Wallhausen monastery and sets her on her path to this remote, isolated area of Germany and find out if there is any truth to her dreams and must confront them head on. How very Dr. Phil. Hope she's paid up for sessions.

MICHELLE!!! FLEDGLING!!!

Among ze Germans, most of the cast sounds like they learned their English lines phonetically and I am having Troll 2 flashbacks already. You don't piss on hospitality, boy!

We find the garb of said monk is reminiscent of ones found with the Crusades and I am immediately wondering if he or she is connected to the Knights Templar. It is a popular connection for Horror. Amando de Ossorio's Tombs of the Blind Dead quadrilogy is prime examples of such. The music score is reminding me of Ted Nicolau's Vampire Journals. Prep the vampire orgy scenes!  No?  Huh, I mean that's fine. Didn't wanna see those anyway, whatever. Instead our killer monk seems to be gacking men and women of the Roman Catholic faith. So the Protestants can breathe easy I guess.

Okay before I go further, I must warn you that you are not getting your Lance Henriksen fix from this film. His shrink character has about three scenes and then he's out of the flick. I know, I would have loved it if he went with Samantha on this intrepid journey into her bloodlines' past but it was not meant to be. Or they simply couldn't afford him. Low budget has to put their money where they can in all of the project.

Got a little grape jelly on your neck there.

Moving on, Samantha finds herself at the very monastery of her dreams of bloody murder. That's..uh that's not necessarily a good thing. The monastery itself is vast and a character all to its own. Provides great atmosphere and frankly I'd shoot a flick horror wise here as well. Proper mood and darkness spreads over the courtyard and you will be easily creeped out.

Samantha almost immediately bonds with another tourist Sasha (Patrick J. Thomas of Son of Morning, Going Global, Sin Reaper 3D, Million Dollar Matchmaker and Megan Nicole: Checklist) and I think it may be due to her dreams of blood or possibly she just doesn't get out in the dating scene that often. Hell I don't understand women enough to psychoanalyze them. Just felt rather sudden. The guy's pretty enough but Samantha is practically salivating.

The caretaker of the monastery gets all shady and foreshadow like hinting this may not be the safest idea, so naturally our gaggle of one-dimensional teens have to go back in the night and start screwing around or screwing each other. When will these pesky teens to twenty somethings ever learn?!

Lord be praised!  *WHACK!

Interesting enough, one of the tourists Jenny (Hazuki Kato of Ballistica, The Forest, The League, Sin Reaper 3D, Shi, Muppets Most Wanted, Falcon Rising, Atomic Eden and Grisse) speaks perfect English buuuuuut has done something her voice that either sounds like nails on a chalkboard or a Yoko Ono album. Whichever is more painful for you. I think it was the director's choice, I will look further into young Kato's filmography and make a more informed decision.

So one by one they are stalked and now we have slasher elements and for this film, that's okay. What puzzles me is the whole 3-D angle because our kills didn't get the graphic edge I was expecting. Figured innards and entrails would fly at the screen or a head would bounce down a flight of stairs but yeah it was really wasted. Loved how the staff of the tourist spot there attempts to be nonchalant but FAILS at even a hint of subtlety. The performances were workable and decent. Camera, lighting and sound all quality and just again shows that low budget can create just as easily as the A-List.

Not a bad concept using a religious persecution as the basis of your Horror movie, it has been done before but this was executed well. Director Sebastian Bartolitius (Another Slice of Life, Die Reise des Jacob Crane, Coppelius and Passage 33) made this unfold well but some of the less than subtle responses made it feel awkward in scenes. At the end of the day it is good work.

Few observations at this time. Lot of handheld work. While that can create suspense if done right I guess they didn't have the ability for a dolly track from scene to scene. Some real jarring zoom up shots and weird pans, made me wonder how much work these cameramen had prior but overall some solid work. Not trashing the cinematography. Just made me start thinking of early 90s Charles Band flicks like Subspecies. Again not a bad thing and easy enough to get used to.

STOP MENTIONING THE WAR!

Conquest

What's this? A Sword and Sorcery movie made by that "Horror mogul" Lucio Fulci? But all he does is Horror...and some child movies, Westerns and it's almost like no one researches this director worth a damn. Predominately Fulci is known for his Gates of Hell Trilogy (City of the Living Dead, The Beyond and The House By the Cemetery) and folks seem to forget how versatile Italian directors had to be from the 70s to 80s. But really a guy with a magical bow that can rid the world of its evil? That man has made enemies he doesn't even know exists. This is Conquest a.k.a. Mace the Outcast.

Femme Arrow.

Let's address the biggest issue of this movie. FOG!   Yeah throughout this whole movie is a fog-like effect around the screen, whether it is a veil over the camera or a ton of foggers, it dominates the movie. Yes it hurt my photophobic eyes something fierce.

A young warrior in training, Ilias (Andrea Occhipinti of Augh! Augh!, Priest of Love, The New York Ripper, A Blade in the Dark, The Sun Also Rises, Miranda, The Family, Control, The Jeweller's Shop, Running Away, Love of Man and Queens) is on a quest to deal with evil and then it dawns on me that I recognize him from The New York Ripper and started laughing. Better known to being sensitive and complex characters rather than heroic figures. He has been charged with a quest to end the corruption of Ocron. The god Chronos bequeath Ilias a magical bow which is his ascend to manhood??  Okay.

All of the sudden, it's Cave Dwellers now.

Our villainess of this piece, Ocron (Sabrina Siani of White Cannibal Queen, Cannibal Terror, College Girl on Vacation, Blue Island, Daughter of the Jungle, Gunan, King of the Barbarians, Ator,the Fighting Eagle, 2020 Texas Gladiators and The Throne of Fire)and yes she is almost completely nude through the entire film.  A sorceress that charmed her legions of darkness...by sleeping with them.  .Spider-Men, Dog-Men, zombies and various other animal men.  Yeah she's filled with darkness...and animal men.  She claims to the people that she is responsible to rising and setting of the sun and they believe her. That she is in league with the sun goddess and hold her audience. Methinks the village isn't particularly bright. I mean they sent one guy out to deal with this so yeah I am baffled.

Whatchu mean I gotta star in Werewolf?

Our protagonist is a mere man that only skill set really is uncanny accuracy with his bow. He needs help. Enter Mace (Jorge Rivero of Rio Lobo, The Two Brothers, Guns and Guts, The Bullfighters, The Last Hard Men, Erotica, Priest of Love, Killing Machice and Counterforce) a muscle bound ranger that talks to the animals. Think less Dar of The Beastmaster and more Kronk of The Emperor's New Groove. Mace's wig is pretty awful. Looks like they grabbed a beaver pelt and plunked it on his head. Maybe got around to scooping organs and bones out of it, maybe.

Given the time this was released we can have our outrage of Conan the Barbarian rip-off; or we could also point out such films like Iron Master, The Beastmaster and Ator, the Fighting Eagle and realize these Sword and Sorcery stories pretty commonplace in the 1980s and prone to a fair amount of nudity and violence. That being said a lot of creativity in some of these Sci-Fi Fantasy jiggle fests IF they could ratchet in how much T&A they drop into film to film. Not gonna lie ladies, there's pillaging in this film. No I was blissfully unaware of that UNTIL I laid eyes on it. Yeah I'm not thrilled.

Loved Mace has stone nunchuks but what was disturbing is Mace wore the mark of Eibon from The Beyond on his forehead so I am wondering if they simply wanted to link the two movies or was this a story of Eibon before The Beyond establishing the ancient mythos being fact. Mace and Ilias' quest seems primarily based around fighting the werewolf men, shooting pervy old men and porking their fill of cave women. Don't worry, our heroes do get their asses handed to them several times, have the manly embraces and do not dally from their goal.

For some reason we need fricking zombies. Yeah that seems to be a staple for Fulci. I was waiting for zombies in his western flicks too. Hmm actually the Zombi of the Old West actually sounds awesome. Nudity and gore gags aside, something about this film compels you to keep watching it to the end.

Okay so this wasn't Shakespeare. Neither was Conan the Barbarian, The Beastmaster or Ator, the Fighting Eagle. This is a popcorn movie with sci-fi fantasy about two mortal men facing ridiculous odds for a bunch of unseen or unnamed peasants. They suffer the slings and arrows of mass pummeling in order to dive into the struggle of the light and the darkness.

Yes fellas reading this, this is chock full of titty. You can relax now. I have plenty of spoilers that utterly baffled me on this movie but you will have to read someone else's blog because I don't do spoilers as a rule.

Dessstro!!!

Friday the 13th Part IX: The Final Friday

Well the continuity may have a problem here. Hi folks. Friday the 13^th is upon us. Well there's a Friday I hadn't covered. I have put it off long enough. Bleh. After melting him with toxic waste in the 8^th film (somehow transmogrified into a small boy) and before he was sent into space. There was to be another "Final Friday". This is Friday the 13^th Part IX: Jason Goes to Hell a.k.a. Friday the 13^th Anniversary of Jason a.k.a. Friday the 13^th Part IX: The Dark Heart of Jason Voorhees a.k.a. Friday the 13^th: Heart of Darkness and Jason Goes to Hell

Um, my head's oozing out of my mask.

With no real explanation other than the writers forgetting about part 8, Jason is not a small lad but the size of Kane Hodder and already back to his wicked ways of butchery around Crystal Lake as he stalks after smoking hotty (Julie Michaels of Roadhouse, Jason Goes to Hell, Married...with Children, Batman & Robin, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and SEAL Team) when it appears to be a sting by the FBI and holy jeebus they open up on him with assault weapons and even a grenade launcher blasting Voorhees to charcoaled chunky bits. 

The End!

Okay no...not really but Hodder isn't going to be running around in his jumpsuit for some time because...we have exposition back story, establishing the Voorhees bloodline continued beyond Jason and Pamela. Yup an sister. Because? Oh why the hell not. Rather than the traditional undead mongoloid slasher, director Adam Marcus (Jason Goes to Hell: Final Friday, Let It Snow, Conspiracy, Fitz and Slade and Secret Santa)decided the body of Jason has been dead for ages and only a dark force or entity that resided in the body, waiting to be released again.

Woohoo! Jason found him a Regular Saturday Night Thang.

The morgue and surrounding guards and cops are all slaughtered in tried and true Voorhees style, leaving bits and body parts everywhere. Do we have a copycat or did Jason rise from the grave?..again?

Local anchor reporter Robert Campbell (Steven Culp of ER, JAG, Star Trek: Enterprise, The West Wing, Saving Grace, Desperate Housewives and Arrow) is doing an in-depth story of the mass murderer himself, showing the folks back home ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE on a local broadcast and even contracts a manhunter to kill Jason for the sum total of a quarter of a million dollars. Two things. 1) You just announced on the air you hired a contract killer. 2) that contract regardless if it is aimed at an undead mongoloid hillbilly, IS A FELONY!

Our manhunter himself, Creighton Duke (Steven Williams of 21 Jump Street, L.A.Law, L.A.Heat, The X-Files, DarkWolf, Stargate SG-1 and Supernatural) is poised to hunt Jason down even as that interview has been made. Yeah it will be tough to follow his trail of broken, bloody and gouged bodies laying strewn like so many rag dolls. It should be a cinch to find Voorhees except one minor detail...his body is lumped in the ravaged morgue. So who is doing all the killing?

Get off me, Gil Gerrard!!

Subplot adds a striving descendants of Voorhees, the Kimbles Diana (Erin Gray of Buck Rogers in the 25^th Century, Magnum, P.I., Code of Vengeance, Silver Spoons, Starman, Breaking Home Ties, The Princess and the Dwarf, Almost Home, Burke's Law,Baywatch, Port Charles, The Guild and Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return) and Jessica (Kari Keegan of The Prince of Pennsylvania, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Jerry Maguire, Maggie and Mind Games) trying to eek out a proper life in spite of the looming terror that is their family curse.

Yup, now we got lore. Supernatural lore. Like undead mongoloid hillbilly zombie isn't supernatural enough. Now we got a bloodline story. The darkness that makes up Jason can be reborn through one of his bloodline. While that is nutty enough; we have an alumni of Friday the 13^th: The Series, John D. LeMay (Friday the 13^th: The Series, Tour of Duty, Eddie Dodd, Sisters, Without a Map, Totally Blonde, and E-Ring) so sort of a universal crossover perhaps?

Now the nitpicks. The MPAA neutered the crap out of this flick. All of KNB Group gore effects are almost completely diminished, the nudity is mild and Kane Hodder third time at bat as Jason.  Also there are 3 versions of this movie, I'm having Highlander 2: The Quickening flashbacks!!!

So we have the theatrical release which was 87 minutes of garbled mess, the 91 minutes that added a bit more gore in it and finally a whopping 130 minutes of it being completely uncut (insert penis joke) and all cells used from what I understand.

Dukey Pukey is bestowing his knowledge of Jason and his new mystical aspect to Steven (John D. LeMay) because game knows game. Or something.  Don't worry fellas, there's titty as you so often demand. Yes we do get the vital element to Friday the 13^th films: horny teens, booze, nudity and elaborate death scenes.

While this is one of the more creative take away from the sequels similar creating a twist like Part V: A New Beginning; trying to break away from the stagnate of Crystal Lake inhabitants and horny teens getting gacked by unconventional means and over the top murders.

That being said, changing Jason as some malefic force of damnation, hopping from body to body creating mayhem and chaos. Creative yes but a tad late into the series to introduce a new story element like such, let alone additional unmentioned family members.

As for the burning question of Freddy's glove reaching up snatching up Voorhees' mask was a hint to New Line Cinema and Paramount scheduled to make the crossover movie; Freddy Vs Jason...a film stuck in development hell for 10 years!  Not to stir up old feelings but the director of that movie didn't want Kane Hodder vs Robert Englund. Because...6'3" wasn't tall enough for that director's take.

Many of the fans had issues with the dark soul of Jason body hopping and felt it did an injustice to the franchise. I mean if you can stay tried and true to a mother avenging the death of her son, who didn't die, later replaced by a pissed off EMT and soon a crazy Tommy Jarvis; only to have that story line thrown out to resurrect Jason as a zombie then later melt him in the sewers of New York with a nightly toxic waste dump that leaves him as a dead child; well I guess you just don't care about continuity.

Is this a vital watch? Not really. You could skip it as it holds next to nothing for the franchise. Is it a fan favorite? I have heard of these "people" existing but I attribute them as believable as R.O.U.S. (Rodents of Unusual Sizes) and thus call out utter poppycock. Absurd! Risible!

 Happy Spring Forward Zombie Jason Day!!!

Mhm, that is a tasty burger!

The Devil has Seven Faces

Hiya gang! We have two interesting things today. It is International Women's Day, showcasing women in life of what has been and what is yet to come. Ask your mom, aunt, grandma what contributions women have given to science, engineering, plans that have shaped the future and written works. Today is also a very good woman's birthday and to show how hard a worker she is, yeah you guessed it. She has to work today.

So Happy Birthday Wendy! Sorry the price of success means not too many days off but you're doing what you like.

Today we have intrigue, a double-cross, a mistaken identity and a jewelry heist!!! c'mon this is good stuff. Okay menfolk it is a Giallo as well. There, gain some of you back? Muhahahahaha, dance puppets,dance. This is The Devil has Seven Faces a.k.a. Bloody Mary a.k.a. The Devil has 7 Faces a.k.a. Nights of Terror

Yes these borders are ridiculous.

Our trek into this film is with cinematographer/director Osvaldo Civirani (Hercules Against the Sons of the Sun, Kindar the Invulnerable, Operation Poker, The Beckett Affair, Return of Django, and the Two Sons of Trinity) brings us a thriller Giallo with a pair of twins and some mayhem ensues.

Julie Harrison (Carroll Baker of Baby Doll, Something Wild, How the West Was Won, the Sweet Body of Deborah, Paranoia, A Quiet Place to Kill, Knife of Ice, Bait and Star 80) is a conservative, straight laced businesswoman. Mary on the other hand, is foot loose and fancy free. A girl that is a love 'em and leave 'em kind of gal. Julie starting receiving threats, harassment at home in the night and even unwanted and less than welcome visitors dropping by. Having no idea what is going on until...they call Julie Mary; her sister's name.

A pack of thieves proceed to scare Julie and don't believe she isn't Mary, trying to pull a fast one on them. They already can't trust Mary so this must be another one of her tricks, yet they can't help but think they may have the wrong girl.

Okay, fine. It's a wig. Jeez

With this relentless terror happening; Julie turns to two friends, Dave Barton (Stephen Boyd of Seven Days from Now, Island in the Sun, Ben-Hur, Lisa, Imperial Venus, The Fall of the Roman Empire, The Third Secret, Genghis Khan, Fantastic Voyage and Carter's Army) a hotshot lawyer and Tony Shane (George Hilton of Any Gun Can Play, Sartana's Here...Trade Your Pistol for a Coffin, The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, Holy God, Here Comes the Passatore!, Double Game and College) a race car driver with guts and glory mentality.  Both men are not competitive with each other, in spite of they are both attracted to her. With a bit of cooperation and knowing shady men in dark places they found out a group of jewel thieves lifted a massive diamond from the Maheraja and one of the crew got left behind holding the bag.

Julie starts looking into the theft to encounter an insurance investigator by the name of Steve Hunter (Luciano Pigozzi of Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory, The Castle of the Living Dead, The Devil's Man, Vengeance, Blackie the Pirate, Yor, Hunter of the Future, Escape from Hell, The Exterminators of the Year 3000, Strike Commando and Zombie 3) hot on the trail.

Can Julie get out of this pickle? Will the thieves get their justice?

The film is pretty solid. We got a lot of association with slasher infecting Giallo with the cliche' POV wearing leather gloves and a blade slicing up topless jiggly girls. The most important elements in Giallo is mystery, dark story line, murder and a bit of nudity. A lot of critics professional and amateur alike treat this almost like a buddy cop drama mixed with a crime thriller.

Just go through IMDB on Mario Bava and you will see different examples of Giallo and you'll understand my meaning. I'm not bashing fellow critics, just asking them to do a bit more research into the subject matter you are praising or damning and I sat through that abysmal Zombie Lake!!

Lemme in! I GOTTA PEE!!!

Shot in the Netherlands, this 90 minute thriller was a good cast, Stelvio Cipriani's (The Lickerish Quartet, Guns for Dollars, A Bay of Blood, Death Walks on High Heels, Baron Blood, The Killer Is on the Phone and Tragic Ceremony) composure was spot on.  For my younger readers you would have heard his compositions in Death Proof, Planet Terror and The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

All praising goes to Carroll Baker. She really pulls off her double roles, the intensity of the film and the complete opposites of the twins. We have a good screenplay with dare I say, a bit too many subplots and red herrings. It was almost they were trying to outdo each scene.Clever camera work with the Eastman Reversalscope, a good enough car chase (Could have been better) and suspenseful argumentative and physical fighting in a windmill of all places. At the end of the day, this was a decent mystery and not the typical sleazy look most Giallo get labelled due to the use of so much nudity. I would recommend this one for the causal viewer and the Giallo fan alike.

Think we oughta let that girl in?

Madman

Hey folks I have returned! I know not nearly the impressive staple as clouds parting and a booming voice from above but I must make do. So what is true to form with this blog? How about a 80s slasher film about a legendary mass murderer? Yeah one day it will be the musings of an Albert Brooks film or possibly Glenn Ford Western. Instead howzabout a crazed lunatic that has been summoned in Bloody Mary fashion? On the edge of your seats yet? This is Madman a.k.a. Madman Marz a.k.a. The Legend Lives

Jeez, most bad acts just get the hook.

Well if it wasn't an obscure Indie Horror movie, the alternative titles clearly has made its way telling me the stars have aligned. Probably not for the better. Let's get into this, shall we?

Our opening credits are shot more like end credits and have a pronounced piano score but hey who am I to judge? I think I can also hear a synthesizer. My God those things were rampant in the 80s.

It all started during a campfire at North Sea Cottages, a special retreat for gifted children... No seriously, that is the tagline intro to the scene. Then Professor Charles Xavier drafted this gifted youngsters in his school for the gifted and they had to fight Magneto. No wait, yeah that's a different retreat and far more gifted youngsters.

No zombies in the hot tub. I checked.

Instead we get to hear a little diddy about Madman Marz, hiding in the woods looking for victims. We are treated to what one could only conclude as flashbacks of Madman Marz's greatest hits or slayings while the song is going on. SLEEP TIGHT KIDS! Oh and severed heads float around here, zombies pop out of the ground, stay off the moors and beware of wolves. There. That will shut them up about canoe rides.

This editing choice I find out later is actually later footage of the film spliced in. Congrats film! You are your own spoilers! I mean, what the hell? I do my level best not to give much away and the damn movie is doing it for me.

Okay before we go any further down this rabbit hole, I have to be honest. With that in mind, TP (Tony Fish a.k.a. Tony Nunziata of Madman and performer of Song of the Fifth Wind and I Don't Need Words) and Betsy (Actress/writer/director Gaylen Ross of Dawn of the Dead, Madman and Creepshow) are the real drawing power in this movie. The supporting cast means well but unfortunately they really don't have the training or natural talent. No fault to them, it's just line delivery is very clunky or they simply could not word it as well to sound more fluid.

And there on the handle,was a hook...

Trust me, Betsy looks pretty bad ass toting a boom stick around. I'm watching this and my brain kicks in as I find myself saying, "Francine of Dawn of the Dead? What are you doing here?"

Naturally we have a dumb ass kid that doesn't take the legend seriously and proceeds to quietly chant Marz's name summoning him into the woods. Smooth, kid. While you're being a complete ninny hammer, why not get Candyman and Bloody Mary as well? I mean your self-preservation skills are so low and all, maybe all three will duke it out on who gets the next kill.

Our teens to twenty somethings all group off and Marz starts cutting a bloody swath through the grounds. With not knowing where everyone is, clearly we need to form search parties, SHOUT THEIR NAMES REALLY LOUD and hope for the best. Doesn't that sound keen?

At least people are arming themselves. Almost unheard of in a slasher film. Usually they grab an ax handle or a rock and try to fend of the killer, but this time we got folks packing heaters. A roscoe, a piece, the difference. For those too young to know these terms, I speak of guns.

As the night is rapidly dwindling away, the survivors just know if they can make it out of the campgrounds and get to the cops, everything will be alright...or will it? DUN DUN DUN!!!

Now some Fun Film Facts...or just odd news attached to this particular flick. As this was supposed to be happening during mid spring, the early winter had to be combatant with painting leaves of the trees and the bushes green on location to give the illusion. Really makes you feel for the cast, doesn't it?

Our Madman Marz, Paul Ehlers received the news his wife went into labor. So unable to get out of his eerie mountain man murderer apparel, Ehlers greeted his son Jonathan in full makeup including fake blood and overalls. Let's just hope the lad didn't imprint on that.

With a feel of being a hybrid of Friday the 13^th, The Burning and Bloody Mary, I have seen this same formula handled better. Again not a bad film but it didn't really strive to do something of real note.

Well...there goes his modeling caareer.