Bright

So I'm back. Yeah, yeah. I've been gone and missed Halloween movie reviews. So with all the police complaints throughout the cities of this country, I thought I would get a film from the long back when 2017 (yeah my nephew loves that so long ago comment to watch me twitch). A view of the LAPD, magic and meta beings. With copious amounts of car chases, gun fights worthy of a John Woo film and snappy patter, I feel this film is sorely underrated. This is Bright. 

 

What do you mean you didn't like Fresh Prince?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Through the lens of writer/director David Ayer (U-571 The Fast and the Furious, Training Day, Dark Blue, S.W.A.T., End of Watch, Fury, Suicide Squad and Training Day TV series) shows a world looking like a modern day Middle Earth with Orcs, Elves, Fairies and every other fairy tale creature in between. Imagine exotic elves dominating Malibu, Orcs drinking 40s in South Central and humans of every color and class crammed in this expanded desert city. 

 With a long road to recovery, Officer Daryl Ward (Will Smith of Independence Day, Bad Boys, Men in Black, Wild Wild West, Ali, I, Robot, Shark Tale and I Am Legend) is fit for duty and to get back to the streets.   His partner, an Ork named Nick Jakoby (Joel Edgerton of The Hard Word, The Secret Life of Us,Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones, King Arthur, Kinky Boots, Smokin' Aces, Whisper and Dirt Game) failed to catch Ward's shooter and it has caused some tension between the two. Vowing to start a new day and not getting old hard feelings back, the boys roll into the station, load the shop and back out into town.   Dealing with routine pick ups, cruising the neighborhood, Ward is told by IA (Internal Affairs) they don't trust Jakoby's account of the shootout that landed Ward in the hospital. They want to can him but they can't just open end fire him without huge blow back. Ward agrees to record Jakoby's confession and get IA off his ass.

 

Ugh, I can smell talking monkeys.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Towards the end of shift, the boys roll down to South Central to a possible gunfight. As they investigate a building with a mass amount of dead assailants, our cops run into Tikka (Lucy Fry of Lightning Point, Reef Doctors, Mako Mermaids, Vampire Academy, Now Add Honey, Mr. Church, Wolf Creek, The Darkness and She's Missing) a young elf girl running scared with a terrifying weapon, a magic wand. With an explosion and a substantial gun fight, the Barrio hoods heard about the wand and now the crap storm is moving into an tsunami. 

 Subplot 2 indicates The FBI's Magic Division are trailing a wand user. She's a renegade elf name of Leilah (Noomi Rapace of Daisy Diamond, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, Millennium, Beyond, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows and Prometheus). It would appear she and her minions...hmm lackeys? Lick spittles? Yay! Lick spittles! Anyway she and her lick spittles are trying to resurrect a being known as The Dark Lord and bring about an era of darkness the world hasn't seen in 5,000 years. 

 

Please sir, more gruel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subplot 3 gives us Leilah and her lackeys hot in pursuit after Ward, Jakoby and Tikka to reclaim the wand and go about the ending of the world. With corrupt cops, L.A. Gangbangers, FBI not knowing who is the good guys and renegade elves, Ward and Jakoby are in the soup and brother that soup is scalding. Trying to think, catch their collective breaths and not kill one another; the boys have to protect Tikka and the wand from all this crazy that only L.A.can produce. 

Where to even begin with this flick? The racist and class issues tone is perfect. The ignorance of races and hatred of the haves and have nots holds true to these misconceptions we all have a tendency to cling to. Realizing all the elves are in Malibu makes me wonder how many spray tanned, bleach teethed white folk got tossed out of the neighborhood for "lowering the tone'. Just made me laugh is all. 

 

 

Ward and Jakoby both are openly mocked by their own. As members of minorities, folk that have been brutalized by cops of the generations, it seems obscene that either of these men would be cops in many eyes. This would be the second film both Will Smith and Jay Hernadez was in with David Ayer. The first being Suicide Squad. Yet another underrated film of David Ayer. It's violent, it's graphic and yes fellas; there's a bit of titty in it. Trust me, you will stay in for the story as well. More gun play than a Lethal Weapon flick. Hell the shots look like an homage to John Woo's A Better Tomorrow. 

 Can you let the kids watch it? Well...I'm not a parent but overall it's not that big a deal violence, language and nudity wise but again; I am not a parent. It's ultimately the parents' call. For the parents however, yeah you will get a serious gut laugh in some of these scenes. I own this and it gets slipped into the regular watching. Have a good one and sorry for the hiatus.

 

A malefic, murderous, Maybeline model?

 

Crocodile

Howdy all. Back with a creature feature that was directed by the late great Tobe Hooper ( Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Salem’s Lot, Poltergeist and Lifeforce) and loosely links his film Eaten Alive through exposition and a few props of said film. With a gaggle of 20 somethings looking to party, booze and screw their brains out, you just know an monster of moral standing will wipe them all out. This is Crocodile a.k.a. Crocodile 2 a.k.a. Flat Dog.

OooOo, I sense a railing death.

Yes shocking our film has alternative titles. Many people outright smack this film for the lesser CGI croc effects, the CGI blood spatters, the atrocious acting and piss poor script lacking even a decent protagonist. Honestly this feels a bit like Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, I think this film was just a goof for Hooper and he just had some fun. Let's dive in and see what's what, shall we?

As we open in our film, we have to establish that roads are a concept. Seriously the camera shows a road with some vehicle trekking at a fast clip. Cut to our main characters/doofs. Brady (Mark McLachlan of Crocodile, Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat, Hometown Legend and Freshman Orientation) and Duncan (Chris Solari of Zoe, Duncan, Jack & Jane, Crocodile, Family Law, Entourage, Irish Twins, Quitters and Lady Hater) ready for Spring Break via partying and boozing. Yup nothing but deep motivation and virtuous thoughts for the weekend. Thankfully our town's sheriff, Bowman (Harrison Young of Waxwork II: Lost in Time, Guncrazy, Humanoids from the Deep, True Vengeance, The Game, Expose, Primary Colors, Saving Private Ryan, Durango Kids, Witness Protection, Starforce and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation) got his eyes on these whipper snappers in his here bailiwick. Yeah felt like I was watching Friday the 13^th after the kids get the cop's warning. Sadly no Crazy Ralph hiding on their houseboat to issue death curses and general nuttiness.

She's on a rampage...

 

So Brady, our less than noble protagonist has a love triangle going with his decent, sweet college girlfriend Claire (Caitlin Martin of Crocodile, When Billie Beat Bobby, 7^th Heaven and Without a Trace) and his ditzy Rainbow Brite hairdo girl Sunny (Sommer Knightof Undressed, Crocodile, Wednesday's Child, The Lyricist Lounge Show, Love Comes Softly and American Grace) Brady and his brohans stumble across a large nest of eggs. Naturally we need to smash them and chuck them in the water. Because...douchy reasons.

Dog owning friend Anabelle (Julie Mintz of Crocodile, Once and Again, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, Boston Public, The Seat Filler, Sucker Free City, Eve, Backward Glances, The Putt Putt Syndrome, Far Marfa, It Happened in L.A. And Moby: Mere Anarchy)is...there. Mostly she just hangs out with Claire.

Claire is outraged and sneered at for giving a damn about living creatures. Yup the party knobs clearly need to be gobbled up. Prior to this brohan level of frat douchbaggery, the sheriff finds a couple of hillbilly fishermen torn to bits and finds the remains of a large egg. Thinking it clearly is an alligator attack and goes to the local alligator farmer, Shurkin (TV and Film character actor Terrence Evans of The Incredible Hulk, Falling in Love Again, The Greatest American Hero, Hardcastle and McCormick, The Dukes of Hazzard, Pale Rider, Nutcracker: Money, Madness & Murder, Curse II: The Bite, Alien Nation: Dark Horizon, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager and Madam Savant) and now we have our Chief Brody and Quint stereotypes at the ready, each sounding like Billy Bob Thorton's Carl from Slingblade so it's gonna...yeah it's going to drag some more. You see, the croc is now on a rampage. Driven to madness by the senseless slaughter of her unborn young she will shuck and devour folk on the lake like so many oysters.

A vapid pretty boy. Go figure.

Shurkin and Bowman are on the hunt and not so subtly hint to Eaten Alive, adding a never seen character Harlan who built a shrine to Sobek, the Egyptian crocodile god, yeah it goes on quite a bit. Shurkin believes his pa was devoured by this very crocodile and his grandfather as well. We are tallying almost 96 years of life of this particular croc and now it's a matter of family vengeance. Shurkin may have dropped brown acid in his day.

Now the better written character of guts and cunning, Princess. Yes I am referring to the poodle in our group. Anabelle's little beasty possesses greater brain power than the whole party and why not? She's not drinking, screwing her wheels off or making pointless comments about the croc attacks. Our characters are very one dimensional and you don't care if they get eaten and apparently almost 100 year old crocs are FRICKIN' BULLET PROOF!!! Yes, bullets and buckshot just deflect off her hide. Who knew.

My mom and I sat through this squirrelly flick, riffing and mocking it. So just take your brain off the hook, grab a beer and take in this good bad movie. It's not meant to be a brilliant monster film. This is not Jaws, nor would you want it to be.

Dare ya to lick it, Slappy.

Shaft's Big Score

Hey folks I have returned. Yeah it has been awhile since these reviews were back to back but I am just managing time better. Wibbly Wobbly aside, today I wanted to delve back into Blaxploitation and clear up a misnomer. One being today's film is the direct sequel to the private dick that's a sex machine and NOT Shaft in Africa. Yeah I know I have heard otherwise. Look at your chronology sucka or Hell just get on IMDB that surprisingly has this one under wraps. So yes we are getting a dose of Richard Roundtree being a bad mother once again. This is Shaft's Big Score.

He's undercover.

Not to be confused with Score's Big Shaft. Yeah not proud of writing porn but it pays the bills. Is he kidding? Figure it out yourselves. Nutty idea you could always ask when you put in film requests. 

 Shaft (Richard Roundtree of Portrait of a Hitman, Game for Vultures, City Heat, Maniac Cop, Night Visitor, Crack House, Roc, Se7en, Rescue 77, Shaft and Soul Food) is back in the streets, doing his thang when he gets wind of a racketing gig out of a friend Cal (Robert Kya-Hill of Shaft's Big Score, Death Wish, Lou Grant, Good times, Ryan's Hope and Sue) business being a funeral parlor. Trying to reach our protagonist on the horn (My guess he's all tuckered out from whatever girls he was with that night) and tell Shaft his plight. It's definitely more than a boggle.

Worried about his sister Arna (Rosalind Miles of Shaft's Big Score, The Black Six, Girls for Rent, The Manhandlers, Attack on Terror: The FBI vs.the Ku Klux Klan and Friday Foster) he asks Shaft to keep her safe and meet him at his office. With a serious bomb explosion, the Captain of the precinct, Brolin(Julius Harris of Live and Let Die, The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, King Kong, Split Decisions, Darkman, Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence and The Gifted) is grilling Shaft while his buddy Cal has been char broiled. Not cool, brah.

This is for getting more booty than us!

Once again directed by the late great Gordon Parks (Flavio, The World of Piri Thomas, The Learning Tree, Shaft, The Super Cops, Leadbelly and Moments Without Proper Names) so we are in good hands. A quick moment to talk about this amazing man, Parks was a photographer and reporter for Life Magazine in 1948-1949, is godfather to Quibilah Shabazz, daughter of Malcolm X , co-founder of Essence Magazine and alongside Melvin Van Peebles (Sweet Sweetback's Baadassssss Song, Don't Play Us Cheap, Gang in Blue, Tales of Erotica and Bellyful) are the founding fathers of Blaxploitation. Yeah babies, that is heavy.

Back to the movie under the MGM title, we are making away through Harlem, Laguardia and New York Manhattan proper as this mystery is just getting started. Hey am I wrong wanting Fred Williamson and Richard Roundtree to either team-up or have to duke it out? Shaft is trying to work out what brought this down on his buddy and solve his murder but more than a few bumps are in the road. Including mob boss Bumpy (Moses Gunn of Wild Rovers, Shaft’s Big Score!, The Cowboys, Rollerball, Good Times and Vega$) rears his head out of the sand as it would appear $200,000 is unaccounted for and Bumpy wants a payday. The funeral proceeds on schedule, Shaft and Arna get back to the house finding it tossed looking for the missing dough.

Those pigs call me booty?

To make matters worse, a rival crime boss, Gus Mascola (Joseph Mascolo of Hot Spur, Shaft's Big Score, Jaws 2, Bronk, Gangster Wars, Sharky's Machine, The Gangster Chronicles. Santa Barbara, General Hospital, The Bold and the Beautiful and Days of Our Lives) was in bed with Asby's partner Johnny Kelly (Wally Taylor of Roots, When a Stranger Calls, Palmertown, U.S.A., Circle of Power, Rocky III, Seduced and Night of the Creeps) tells da boss the 200 gees is in the wind. With the property being in Harlem this can only lead to a gang war.

Even after the death of his partner, Kelly is running numbers on sports gambling and it's business as usual. His runners are out and about. So classy is our boy Kelly slaps his girl Rita (Kathy Imrie of Shaft's Big Score, Let's Go for Broke, Night Heat, Street Legal, Street Law, Shadow Creature, Soul Food and Doc) for speaking while he's scheming and sweating out dealing with the Italians.

No sooner he has a sit down with Mascola, Kelly is already thinking of bringing the action to Bumpy. Maybe the hope is the rub each other (Not that erotic way, ya pervs) and then the landscape is clear for Kelly to cruise on through. Yeah fellas there is plenty of T & A to go with this action packed film. Oh ladies, they were gonna ask. It was inevitable.

Can Shaft get out of this one? Will Bumpy get his just due? Will Kelly be hanging from a lamp post?

With a budget of 1.9 million, the mechanics of the cinematography have vastly improved, getting the same screenplay writer Ernest Tidyman back and the sheer larger scale of this flick felt like a Bond movie. Hell even the original posters gave that vibe. We got helicopter chases, car chases, gunfights and even a good boat chase.  Issac Hayes does not come back for his iconic Shaft theme as apparently he and Gordon had a falling out.

Finally saw a High Standard Model 10 bullpup 12 gauge. Something I haven't seen since Jame Caan's Thief and Miami Vice. 12 gauge, five round capacity and it's semi-automatic. Awesome cannon.

So yes this is a good solid sequel. Not truly a stand alone film as it does rely heavily on the predecessor but still a good follow-up, decent lines and Shaft being a total bad ass.

Bad mutha with a boomstick!

Nightmare Beach

Hi gals and guys I am back once more! Well I had a load of fun with my Laurene Landon Western, so naturally it's time for a slasher film. I mean I can't enjoy every bit of my week, that's crazy talk. So howzabout a man coming back from the dead to instill bloody vengeance on a town that wronged him? No not Crystal Lake. I think I have reviewed all the Friday the 13ths. No, instead I thought I would look into Italian Horror /Action director Umberto Lenzi (Paranoid,The Spy Who Loved Flowers, Desert Commandos, Pistol for a Hundred Coffins, Eyeball, The Tough Ones and Cannibal Ferox). This is Nightmare Beach a.k.a. Welcome to Spring Break.

So stuck being the love interest? That's 80s for ya.

Sadly only one alternative title. So this time around we are in Florida, awaiting the execution of notorious biker, Diablo (Tony Bolano of Invasion U.S.A., Miami Vice, 21 Jump Street, The take, Wiseguy, Red Wind, Baywatch, Just Cause and Bad Boys) is sentenced to sizzle like 4 strips of bacon. Yup he's gonna buckle up like Ted Bundy (yeah I was a kid in Florida when Bundy was electrocuted) and justice will prevail.

Among the viewing is the sister of the last victim, Gail (Sarah Buxton of Rock 'n' Roll High School Forever, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter is Dead, Fast Getaway II, Sunset Beach, Days of Our Lives, and The Bold and the Beautiful) as well as Chief Stryker (John Saxon of Enter the Dragon, Dynasty, Hands of Steel, A Nightmare on Elm Street, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Death House, The Baby Doll Murders and New Nightmare).

Calling me psycho? I'll eat your dog! Calling me psycho.

Unbeknownst to the good people of Ft. Liquordale, er um Lauderdale, our biker may have risen from the dead and is out and about; with a hunger for vengeance. Spring Break is well into effect and two such bros hoping to score tail, Ronnie (Rawley Valverde of Guns of Paradise, Nightmare Beach, Santa Barbara, Baby Talk, Made in America and JAG) and his football bud, Skip (Editor/actor Nicholas De Toth of The Stuff, Scarecow and Mrs. King, The Invisible Kid and Nightmare Beach). 1989, who names their kid Skip? Even if it is just a nickname, who the hell did that after the 1950s??!!!

With a bouncy co-ed ready to take the first plunge in the hotel pool, she spots a body floating. By the way, this pool area was packed and she was the first person to notice said floater?? C'mon!

Oh, it's just a prank. Tee hee. 

 With this nonsense going on; across town Diablo's grave has been dug up, coffin and all. Naturally his former biker gang, the Demons are suspect but seriously, what the hell are they going to do with a corpse?  Wait, this might be one of those answers I really don't want.

So we ruled out vampires and Freddy Kruger then? Well, I'm stumped

Meanwhile a leather clad biker is buzzing down the highway wearing Demon colors mounting a killing spree? Curiouser and curiouser.   Mark Parks hasn't had a case sting this badly since The Savage Bees. Doctor Wilet (Michael Parks of Prime Suspect, Caged Fury, Twin Peaks, Sorceress, From Dusk Til Dawn, Wicked, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, Death Proof, Planet Terror, Red State and Tusk) is the main coroner and boy his weekend is going to be packed, much like his shelves.

John Saxon, what in the nine hells are you doing in this?! You were in Argento's Tenebre and Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street!!! Of course you were in Blood Beach and Prisoners of the Lost Universe.   Hmm.   Fortunately, John Saxon is no stranger to undead killers, Freddy gave him a leg up with this experience.

City Hall crawling so far in the Chief's ass, no proctologist will be able to relieve him. With a couple of close calls for Gail, she starts to wonder if Diablo is actually returned as he promised.

With crispy victims, it's almost like how Diablo died. Getting this all down, Chief? I understand you plan to ignore this problem until it drives up and fries you on the ass!

Kids, don't smoke with that much Aqua Net on.

Skip's confused on where his buddy Ronnie ended up. Maybe City Hall doesn't want to hearken attention to the merest possibility of an undead serial slasher hell bent on cutting a bloody swath through Ft. Lauderdale. Can't really expect tourist dollars to come rolling in.

Overall, the film's clever in some standings but it tends to drag. We have other death scenarios that don't rely on an electric chair output from a Honda bike and some of the characters have been fleshed out but aside from the primary characters you really can't be bothered to care that most of these doofy college kids are getting bumped off. Albeit, they're not as poorly written as say, an Eli Roth character, wallowing in their own stagnant pond scum, but also not really interesting to merit sadness.

 Oh no, that superficial jagoff that was rude to girls not sleeping with him is dead.  He had so much going for him.

FX makeup and gore gags guru Gary F. Bentley (Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, The Wrong Guys, Savage Beach, Robocop 3, Alien: Ressurection and Timeline) are pretty bang on. From crispy kids, some gutting and strangulation, the work is solid. The story is just goofy.

The music does actually set the tone, which is impressive considering most of the deaths are daylight hours. Thankfully composer Claudio Simonetti (Deep Red, Suspiria, Dawn of the Dead, Tenebre, Conquest, Demons, Hands of Steel, Primal Rage, Mother of Tears and Bankok Dangerous) is trying to send shivers down your spine.

At its core, it is a slasher movie and the veteran actors of this genre are on their "A" game, I'm just probably burned out on how many killers return from the grave and most likely jaded.

With a mild amount of T 'n' A, graphic gore scenes and chasing all over Ft. Lauderdale, it does make for decent thrills but at the end, I give it a C+. Nothing genuinely scared me, the story is a bit jumbled and I wasn't that impressed with the finished product.

How this fell under the Video Nasties list in the day must have been out of title only. 

Hapless and horny.

Rotten Reelz Reviews Audio Review: Friday the 13th Part 2

Yeah, yeah.  I'll write something next week.   In the mean time, being Friday the 13th,  I present you a an audio review of Friday the 13th Part 2 and yes I swear I will work on some reviews of the written variety next week.   Now watch this and have fun!

Women in Prison...Again: The Concrete Jungle

Hiya guys and gals and welcome back to the week. Yup more Women in Prison films..whoopie...Goldberg. So shocking an innocent girl gets jailed in prison of a drug offense carrying decent weight worth of cocaine. Yeah color me shocked that they threw the book at her. 

 This is The Concrete Jungle.

Your gun is digging into my  hip.

With a lovely skiing holiday coming to an end, Elizabeth (Tracey Bregman of The Funny Farm, Days of Our Lives, The Young and the Restless, Happy Birthday to Me, The Bold and the Beautiful, Sex & Mrs. X, Spyder Games and Low Lifes) is head over heels for her swell guy, Danny (Peter Brown of Lawnman, Laredo, One Life to Live, Loving, JAG, The Wedding Planner, Hell to Pay and Three Bad Men). Well he asks of Liz just one favor. To make sure his skis make it back into the country with no issues. Given how much flake is riding in those skis, Danny convinces her that the cops would never look twice at such a pretty, innocent girl and it will only be this one time. No truer words were spoken as the cops snag her at the airport with skis in hand. Rather than working with the kid and seeing if she is part of an outfit or maybe working for Mr. Big they just toss her springy ass into jail. Now that is a lazy cop and justice system. You could have actually tracked her whereabouts and cross-referenced with Interpol but nah, much easier to lob a kid into the jug.

Methinks she may have been in too long.

Well you know the score. The warden reads her the riot act and tells her to not rock the boat. Warden Fletcher(Jill St. John of The Lost World, Tony Rome, The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone, Diamonds Are Forever, Out There, The Player, The Trip and Northpole) tolerates no insubordination but has to keep wary of the prison's alpha, Cat (Barbara Luna of Ship of Fools, Star Trek Mirror, Mirror episode, The Devil at 4 o' Clock, Hunter, Dragnet, Mission: Impossible and The Sandra West Diaries) a tough as nails yet easy on the eyes hellion who gets what she wants or who she wants. The coke deals go down through the prison and on to the streets. Cat blurts this out trying to nail Elizabeth that even the Warden is bought and paid for.

Yes, I am a Bond girl.

None of this can be proved as there is no paperwork, trail or any direct evidence proving her hand is in the cookie jar. Elizabeth volunteers to get her on tape, has to fend off guards sodomizing her, convicts trying to jump her or kill her and justice seeming far far away.

With the evidence piled up, no one listening to her, Elizabeth has to get tough. Yeah we have the cliche' rapey guards, the prison doctor with a heart of gold and multiple bunk and shower scenes. WooOoO something new there. Reminiscent of Chained Heat but not as well scripted, our film has all the tropes of the lesbians in jail, forced bisexuality, monstrous guards and hosing all the girls down during a riot.

Will Danny get pinched? Will the Warden face incarceration herself? Can the system be fixed?

Budweiser and cocaine: Breakfast of Sleazebags.

Now considering the subgenre, the acting is decent, the scenes are shot very well but the subject matter pisses me off to no end. How many of the same film has to be made over and over? Technically you could say that about every genre out there but for crying out loud, people.

Okay, rant over. You actually feel Elizabeth's desperation for survival, the villains are a bit over the top but having had previous examples of this, that fits the film well. Directed by Tom DeSimone (Chatterbox!, Reform School Girls, Hell Night, The Big Easy, Dark Justice and Swamp Thing) on a budget of 700k, this smut fest brought in over 11 million so yeah you can say it is successful. Simple formula of good girl stuck in a madhouse of bad girls and a corrupt system is easy enough to produce. I guess I could put this up there with Caged Fury and Chained Heat but not sure if that is the bar you need.  Incidentally no trailer due to I couldn't find one Safe For Work and others under 18.

Damn, that is a serious stare down.

Women in Prison...Again: Women in Cages

Welcome back to Women in Prison...Again Week. Again I apologize to those not thrilled with how this week will unfurl and it is hard to get around such but one must make do. Innuendos too subtle? Well today I found a Corman production in the Philippines were young innocent girls are being sold on the black market sex slave trade. Tasteful, I know. Hey you didn't have to sit through it. This is Women in Cages.

CATFIGHT!!!!

Man, the title just screams sexist piggies at work, doesn't it? Our story follows Carol "Jeff" Jefferies (Jennifer Gan of In Like Flint, Love, American Style, Nichols, Ironside, Naked Angels, Hello, Dollly and The Virginian) as she takes the fall for her boyfriend's criminal schemes on board his ship consisting of prostitution, gambling and smack trade (heroine for you, suckas). With the heat on his ass, Rudy (Charlie Davao of Bingbong: The Vincent Crisologo Story, Zhi fa wei long, Lethal Panther 2, Rosalinda, Darna and May bukas pa) hides almost a kilo of snow in Jeff's purse. Yeah who doesn't walk around town with that much dope in their purse?

Tossed in this hellhole filled with hellcats, Jeff of course is introduced to Alabama (Not Hot Pocket, Shawn but Pam Grier of The Big Bird Cage, Hit Man, Black Mama White Mama, Coffy, The Arena, Scream Blacula Scream, Foxy Brown, Sheba, Baby, Jackie Brown and Fortress 2) a lesbian torturous sadist of a prison guard...lesbian sadist? Anyway, she takes no crap, keeps girls in line and rewards those that tow the line.

Mmm, Pantene did wonders for your hair.

Seeing Rudy left her holding the bag and the other prisoners hold her in ill-regard, Jeff starts formulating a plan of escape. Stokes (Roberta Collins of The Big Doll House, Women in Cages, Caged Heat, Hardbodies, Hardbodies 2, School Spirit and Death Wish II), a smack addict thinks she can plot against Jeff for more smack. Reason and logic are probably not a heroin addict's best friend. Theresa (Sofia Moran of Playpen, Women in Cages, Batman and Robin (1972), The Smugglers, Bandolera, Secret Witness and Kingpin) is in bed with Alabama, in that she's her regular Saturday Night Thang...until they have a falling out. Guess she was the bad wife.

I'm confused. Her credit is head guard of the prison and yet Pam's role is almost the warden. So the formula of course is wrongly accused girls laboring in the fields, cat fights galore, load of showering and yup TORTURE! Pam has her own dungeon a.k.a. The Playpen. Less dom and more Spanish Inquisition though. These girls aren't walking away with a light paddling. I did start laughing realizing Pam owns her white girls, whipping them and making them slave in the hot sun. I'm weird that way.

The porn parody of The Great Escape is hard to follow.

Typical Grindhouse double feature with Emanuelle Escapes Hell you would almost wager. Granted, Emanuelle Escapes Hell came out in 1982 but my point remains.

With rough terrain, dense jungle and God only knows what lurks in the waters, Theresa, Jeff, Stokes and Sandy (Judy Brown of The Big Doll House, Threesome, A Woman for all Men, Toxic Zombies and House Calls) scheme to make their escape. Theresa guiding them tells the girls they can get help on the outside and hightail it outta there.

With violence and jiggly titties galore the men folk should be sated. Ladies, I have no idea what possible interest this film is for you...at all. I feel like I need a shower just from watching this sleazy, dismal hodge podge of sex and violence. It's grim and somber, our little flick and I really have no redeeming value for it. Um...the camera work was impressive.

Why are they in The Crimson Executioner's basement?

The Original: The Legend of Hell House

Greetings gang and welcome to the week. Now I know the "Random Goofy" was a terrible title and the reviews were however enjoyed minus that horrible tagline with them so this time around I decided to watch several of the original versus their remakes. Some of the remakes in question were highly enjoyable and unbeknownst to me were in fact, remakes. This marks to be a wonderful exercise in comparison but I promise to not harp on the remakes and remain as objective as humanly possible. Today's film I saw the remake in 2009 and was not that impressed. The film in question was Hell House and turns out aside from its title had no real direct relation with today's movie but apparently a 2017 remake of the original is on its way. This is The Legend of Hell House.

Sex more than once a year? You must be mad, dear.

Now it would appear that the blanket name "Hell House" has been used as an alternative titles as far back as 1982 so you can understand my confusion. With Next of Kin in 1982, Carnage in 1984, The Haunting of Sorority Row a.k.a. The Deadly Pledge in 2007, Hell House in 2009 and finally Hell House LLC in 2015 you can begin to grasp my confusion. On with the film.

Millionaire Mr. Deutsch (Roland Culver of The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp, Dead of Night, Thunderball, The Uncanny, The Greek Tycoon and Saint Joan) hires physicist Lionel Barrett (Clive Revill of Galileo, Pinocchio, The Great Houdini, The New Avengers, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, Zorro: The Gay Blade, Alvin & the Chipmunks, Snorks, C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud, and Star Wars: X-Wing) to do an in-depth top to bottom shakedown of the Belasco House, a home reputed to be the end all, the mother load of haunted houses once owned by a perverse millionaire and alleged murderer Emeric Belasco (Michael Gough of The Man in the White Suit, Horror of Dracula, Count of Monte Cristo, The Protectors, Doctor Who, Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever and Batman & Robin) this towering 6 foot 5 mountain of a man. (FYI, Michael Gough is maybe 5'11") Deutsch is obsessed with the idea of proof of life after death that the house becomes his focal point as the stories of the house being haunted by the victims of Belasco's sadistic pleasures of torture and murder. Yup, that sounds like a vacation spot to me. Guy could have saved a ton of scratch and just called the Ghostfinders via Simon R Green.

Kitty doesn't want milk. Kitty wants your soul!!!

Barrett arrives with his wife Ann (Gayle Hunnicutt of Marlowe, Scorpio, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, The Return of The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Philip Marlowe, Private Eye, Target and Dallas)as well as two mediums, one a psychic Florence Tanner (Pamela Franklin of The Innocents, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, And Soon the Darkness, Barnaby Jones, Trapper John, M.D., and Fantasy Island) and a survivor of a disasterous attempt to review the house prior 20 years ago, Ben Fischer (Roddy McDowell of Robert Montgomery Presents, Matinee Theatre, Midnight Lace, Batman, Night Gallery, The Planet of The Apes, Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, A Taste of Evil, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, McCloud, Battle for the Planet of the Apes, Planet of the Apes TV series, Funny Lady, The Martian Chronicles, Fright Night, Fright Night II and Batman: The Animated Series) as a physical medium sensitive to the supernatural.

Yikes, the quaaludes kicked in something fierce.

Naturally Barrett doesn't wish his wife to accompany him after the event where Fischer was the only one to live but Ann insists to join him. Fischer seems to be keeping his head down and his psychic shields up. He is strictly in it for the pay day. The curious quartet must spend the winter week in isolation, discover the mystery of Belasco House or Hell House if you prefer and survive its madness.

Writer/novelist/screenwriter Richard Matheson (I Am Legend, Die! Die! My Darling!, De Sade, Being, Duel, Night Gallery, Circle of Fear, The Night Stalker, Hell House, Trilogy of Terror, Dead of Night, Jaws 3-D, What Dreams May Come and Stir of Echoes) is no stranger to horror but the intensity of his novel had such an impact with its graphic violence and more excessive sex scenes that he had to water it down for the screenplay to give the movie more of a brooding or foreboding ambience.  FYI, this was eerie as hell so I am now curious to read the book.

The music really sets the atmosphere of dread and things to come. It is almost a character in of itself driving the story along. It has always been hinted that this story is loosely based on the occultist/alchemist/writer Aleister Crowley. There is a fair degree of nudity, psycho-sexual dreams and bizarre practical effects for this film so I wouldn't recommend it for the kiddies. 

Guess the spirits didn't care for the place settings.

Aimless Adulteration: Robocop: Prime Directives

Howdy again folks and welcome back for more Aimless Adulteration. Today I am touching base on a mini-series that most of America may have missed. In spite having the Detroit Demolitionist or Delta City Defender as he is referred throughout the series. 13 years after his resurrection, Murphy is on the scene with all the crime, corporate dodges and mishandling of funds, one cyborg may be all this city has to stand for their rights. This is Robocop: Prime Directives.

You're illegally parked.  20 seconds to move starting now.

Murphy (Page Fletcher of The Hitchhiker series, Buying Time, Ordeal in the Artic and Haven't We Met Before) is back and the better chunk of Detroit is now known as Delta City, "The Safest Place on Earth" and there is evidence to contradict that easily but who wants to quibble? Bomb nuts or Da Bombs are just the beginning of the problems in this safe town.  The new Delta City Commander John Cable (Maurice Dean Wint of Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future, TekWar, The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police, PSI Factor: Chronicles of the Paranormal, Blue Murder and ReGenesis) feels like a puppet as he has been issued a non-lethal ordinance courtesy of Security Concepts. Murphy feels obsolete or over the hill left in his chair wondering why hasn't he been shut down.

I gave up violence and joined a monastery.

With Delta City burning a hole in OCP (Omni Consumer Products), it is up to the junior executives Sara Cable (Maria del Mar of Street Legal, Tekwar, Price of Glory, Blue Murder and The Christmas Shoes), Damian Lowe (Kevin Jubinville of PCU, Fly Away Home, American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile and Seven Years) and James Murphy (Anthony Lemke of Witchblade, Andromeda, Mutant X, American Psycho, Blue Mountain State, White House Down and Dark Matter) are all juxing for position each trying to get up to the corporate ladder and rule ze world! Muahahahahahaha!!! Or something like that.

With almost cyberpunk information thieves, warring gangs and a brilliant cybernetics designer turned rogue madman David Kaydick (Geraint Wyn Davies of Forever Knight, Black Harbour, The Outer Limits, Tracker, 24 and ReGenesis) who OCP railroaded looking for revenge just very well may get his darkest wishes.

These paintballers are serious!

Feeling Murphy is not under OCP's control anymore, it is time for a new CPU (Crime Prevention Unit) and his first task is to dispose of Murphy. Will Murphy be able to hold his own? Can he expose the OCP 's corruption? Will he be able to stop Kaydick?

Okay first the pros before the cons. Because this is four stories with plot and subplots, you have the continuous lone sheriff theme in Murphy's actions.  The streets and city scenes are not dead and have plenty of extras roaming it.   There is a sort of flashbacks that makes up more of a backstory for Murphy before Metro West and his death.   How a veteran cop became who and what he is. Vancouver was once again the logical choice for Detroit.  

The cons are the constant new media breaks got a trifle annoying. The slo-mo action felt like it was dragging or padding the series. The habitual need for the Johnny or Jane on the spot opinion polls on how Robocop does his job got tiresome but ask our former president about a fickle people that doesn't care. The violence is close the same level of the movies but apparently they went more CGI blood that blood squibs.

With a smattering of hand-to-hand fights, gunfights, car chases and car explosions, this series compliments the films even without Orion pictures allowing Prime Directives to use any of the footage of the previous films but they lifted footage from the more family friendly and failed TV series that lasted a season and long enough to get its own action figures and vehicle playsets.

Across the board, this is not a bad series. It was clever enough to use elements of poverty and the forgotten, the privileged and hard-working and gave enough violence, mild nudity and bleak future standing as possible.

C'mon you muthas!!