The Horrible Sexy Vampire

Greetings and hello Rotten Readers! Readers of Rotten?? I'm word shopping here. Bear with me.

After the last abysmal ,jiggly vampire fest; I just know I am going to have a similar round of disappointment with today's movie. How do I come to this conclusion? Well this is an all Spanish cast and crew, filmed in Germany and English (poorly dubbed) is the third language. 

 Guaranteeing me this shan't be a tooter and a titter. This is The Horrible Sexy Vampire.a.k.a. The Vampire of the Highway and Der Vampir von Schloss Frankenstein.

Tee hee!

Well an alternative title film. Yeah, those never end up as a flaming dumpster fire.

Our story begins a ride down the motorway with a jaunty whistled tune. Young couple stop at the first available tavern/inn for some much needed rest. In a room where the beds were made for garden gnomes. Seriously these beds are so tiny, stuffed animals would have complained.

A minute and forty and already the woman is down to bra and panties. You just reek of classy, Movie. While Arthur checks on an open window and draws Marie a bath. Nudity clause fulfilled.

I'm not even kidding. 2 minutes in and boom. So yuuuuup there be titties in the flick. The hint could have been in the title. Arthur hits the shower and then goes into a mime act leaving us to believe he is being strangled? Was the Invisible Man in the shower? Marie becomes curious to why Arthur is so quiet, finding him dead in the tub and she screams at something off camera. Cue opening credits! She may want to contact those guys with the unlicensed nuclear accelerators on their backs.

And when do you feel these erotic notions of vampires?

Cut to the Commissioner (Barta Barri of Horror Express, Dr. Jekyll vs The Werewolf, Treasure Island The Black Wolf, Revenge of the Black Wolf and Monster Dog) and no we don't know his name but he is clearly dubbed via English by none other than Edward Mannix. Those dulcet tones makes me name him Commissioner Mannix for the time being to the morgue looking at either cigar burns or giant hickies on both victims. The doctor invites said Commissioner around to his place for a drink and he will share his "findings". Ooooh my!   Not even the ten minute mark and I can already feel the numbing effect of a slow plot and series of subplots at the ready. Thankfully titty will plug all those pesky plotholes, right fellas? Meh.

Doctor Yammersalot (not actual name but he does yammer...a lot.) proceeds to inform Commissioner Mannix about the murders are far too similar to a series of murders that remained unsolved in this area and his family is both ancient and practice medicine. So over port and cigars, he pitches a vampire theory as his family's historical accounts that happened in the land have laid out the deaths in that time period are identical to the ones they just found.  A 28 year occurrence within a 7 day period a murder happens.  Precisely 28 years separate these murders.

It Takes Two...to Murder.

With Count Oblensky (Wal Davis of A Virgin Among the Living Dead, La hiena, Yuka, El pez de los ojos de oro, Les gloutonnes and Cipolla Colt), living heir to the Winninger Estate which includes an ancestral castle filled with darkness and rumors of an ancient tale of unsolved murders in the area and surrounding lands. Well, that was fun. Pack it up, kiddies. We're leaving. Oh crap. It's only been 25 minutes. Grrr. After some research our young count comes to the conclusion that these murders are all possibly linked to the former Baron who resided in the castle at the time. Dinking around in the cellar/dungeons, he encounters a coffin with oddly enough, the very Baron his notes warned him about.

Chief of Police (Luis Induni of The Rape of the Sabine Women, Fall of the Mohicans, That Man in Instanbul and Transplant of a Brain) is chastising Commissioner Mannix and I will have none of that, dammit.

The evening shots were cracking me up. Not because it was a day for night filter, because that had excellent night lighting. No it was the public domain jungle noises they were using as background. Jungle noises....in the mountains of Germany. Yup that checks out fine. Also it sound like the foley arts guy is walking around a trail of shredded wheat with all this crunching.

OKAY! SPOILERS!!

Yeah I know I don't do this often any more but let's be honest, none of you are going to flock to your used bookstores, pawn shops or Wal-Mart to hope and pray you get a copy of this.

First off, no vampirism. To expand on this I mean no blood spilled, let or drained. Our vampire strangles people to death. Then we have an off-screen draining and a big ass hicky on the neck.

Secondly, our vampire has learned the mystic arts of invisiblity so it looks like a piss poor mime act gone horribly awry.

Third, yes there is titty. Now I know I covered that anyway but just making sure everyone was reading this.

Baron Throttles or Winninger if you prefer, is both a masochist and a sadist as he taunts the young count into staking him or the Baron cannot be held accountable for his actions. The actions he is doing of his own free will. HUH?! 

Why does Doctor Yammersalot's entire family history jot down murders for the last 300 plus years? Who is that morbid and/or bored?   How do you vampire if you never drink blood?  Who put the ram in the rama-lam-ding-dong?

So yes this was long, dull and no vampire action to be had. We have so many plot holes, it's like dodging turds on the grounds of a dog park. Eventually you'll step in one and deal with the hassle of clean up. I have developed a new term. I call it: Bore Porn. No plot, poor character evolution, story lag but there's titty. BORE PORN!

If you have an unruly teen you need to get back in line, force this movie on them. If you now hate your best friend, subject them to this film. If the local church won't stop harassing you, force this movie on them.

Right, flashlight wards Mole People, cross for vampires.

Crónicas del horror español: The Vampires' Night Orgy

And we back for the week again. I might do a write-up on Saturday to give you at least 3 different films but the audio review for Psycho II was a bit exhausting. I have only done that one and Zombie Doom as far as capturing video so bear with me when I tell you that 8 minutes of footage took almost two hours to get just so. Moving right along I really wanted to find a copy of Satan's Blood but I need to buy one instead. Ugh, back burner you go. So with that bit of depressing news let's head to a small European village instead where the inhabitants seem a bit off, superstitious and fearful as we delve into The Vampires' Night Orgy a.k.a. Orgy of the Vampires, Grave Desires and Vampire Night Orgy.

First the spankings and then the oral sex!!!

Yup we got an award winning concept as who could pass up on any of these titles.

We open with a funeral in progress as the coffin is lowered into the ground, it cracks open to reveal a maggot infested corpse. Guess they were late and the whole party flees to the sounds of a big band number and drum solo kicking the action up...that wasn't there. After some gorgeous shots of the countryside we witness a bus load of tourists and workers all heading in the same estate as apparently they have jobs after. Tutors, professors, chamber maids and workers as a whole felt the need to be this far out in the country through their exposition. Plot device gardener's flower arrangement story was so boring, it gave the driver a mild heart attack and he... slightly swerved on the two lane road. HEAVENS!!!

With mild chest pains causing death, the trip is off to a good start. Dark omens people. With a quick bit of moving "the body" around and arranging a blanket over him, the rest of the party make their way to the estate with little to no problem. Pre-GPS, kiddies. In them days youse needed a map and you loved it!   Still loved the flute indicating the gruesome act of concealing the body from the little girl traveling.   Sadly no Edward Mannix voice over acting so that was a bit of a let down. The pleasant wafting music showing us an empty village, no church or people to be around.

C'mon sweetie. Just ignore the poop smell and go out and play.

No warning bells going off at all, people? They all just head right into the local tavern and proceed to take up rooms without worry of the staff or management getting angry. Heck one of the rooms has a creeper peephole into conveniently the cute blonde's room. 20 minutes before we get a vampire attack but feels like it was unnecessary, in the sense no vamp fangs revealed.

The locals are definitely revolting.

Human servants bustling about explain why the people were not available but Boris the impromptu mayor explains creepily how they had to bury a friend. His dub actor is bouncy and way over the top easily arousing suspicion but that's just crazy talk. Weird synthesizer music as a villager needs to sacrifice a leg for dinner. An American tourist also finds this strange but shrugs it off as it is simply a custom he is unfamiliar with and chalks it up to his ignorance Slowly but surely the members of the bus trip are disappearing left and right and Boris just scoffs at this as clearly they were trying to find their way in the village or the next one.

Will Hot Blond be next? Will American blood be too thick or sauce gravy like? Why would you do this to most of a town??

Director Leon Klimovsky (The Werewolf versus the Vampire Woman, Leap to Fame, La paz empieza nunca, The Dracula Saga, Mean Mother, Vengeance of the Zombies, The People Who Own the Dark and Night of the Walking Dead) pitches decent atmosphere and pacing, I just felt the dialogue was lost in the dubbing as it sounds like the cast is a bunch of whiny bitches through most of this film. The film stock is either damaged or I did not get the best version of this as it is really dark and difficult to make out the action half of the time. The townspeople are actually not really vampires as so much almost cannibals or some mad ghouls.

Most of the locations are around Madrid as was with the Count Dracula's Great Love flick but this seems to move more to the residing villages and then in Estudios Roma for the interior shots. Unfortunately my copy was very grainy so the print was not the best to be seen. Very mild nudity, a topless scene here and there so no orgy.   FALSE ADVERTISEMENT!!  That being said however, it was actually kind of creepy. Also the Countess was smoking hot so bonus.   No forced lesbian and/or whipping scenes of yesterday so all pluses across the board. A vast improvement. I was expecting some kinky, oil slicked up Jesus Franco BS and was surprised with a decent story and some folklore of Spain. 

Jeff Foxworthy: Vampire Hunter.

Crónicas del horror español: Count Dracula's Great Love

Okay this week has been a bit crazy. Interview and Audio Review was awesome mind you. Again thank you Dustin for a stimulating take from fan to director. I have managed to let the week slip through my fingers that we may have a continuation to next week. Today's moving pictures hails from Spain via Javier Aguirre (Exosmois, Daphnis and Chloe, Acto de posesion, El consenso, Children's War, Los pajaritos and Voz) exploitation, drama and romance director extraordinaire and Spain's answer to Christopher Lee in how many horror films we can drag him into, actor Paul Naschy (The Mummy's Revenge, Vengeance of the Zombies, Night of the Werewolf, Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood, El lado oscuro, Rojo sangre, and Rottweiler) as we tackle the Lord of the Vampires and Prince of Darkness, Dracula. This is Count Dracula's Great Love a.k.a. Cemetery Tramps, Dracula's Virgin Lovers, The Great Love of Count Dracula and Cemetery Girls.

Hungry EeeYEeess...

Yup, it wouldn't be a seventies foriegn horror film without at least six alternative English titles. God bless them for it. Particularly curious on the Cemetery Tramps title. Were they really kicking that one around or was it just the working title?

Deep in the Carpathian Mountains, an eerie sanitarium looms over as two delivery men are off loading a large crate the size and shaped well enough to be a coffin in transit. The owner Dr. Marlow is now where to be found at the newly purchased wacko basket, the two men decide to raid the crate on the off chance it is filled with jewels and gold but more likely death. Ah I am familiar with this move from Dungeons & Dragons RPG games. It's were the party ignores the jewels and riches and heads right into the death. Poking around the pad of nutter one of the men is smacked in the face with an axe and the other gets fed on by a man in a black velvet cape. Boom! Go to opening credits! Now that's how you get a story going.

And now, another rousing game of Where's Karl's hand at.

Meantime, a stagecoach carrying four young women and one strapping lad (Cue Penthouse cheesy blues music) Karen (Haydee Politoff of The Collector, Queens of Evil, Interrabang, The Virgin of Bali, Chloe in the Afternoon and The 'Human' Factor), Senta (Rosanna Yanni of Kiss Me Monster, Sadist Erotica, Hunchback of the Morgue, Petra Delicado and First and Last Love), Marlene (Ingrid Garbo of Yo y las mujeres, Beunos dias, Acapulco, Maniac Mansion, Count Dracula's Great Love and Touch Me Not) and Elke (Mirta Miller of Ninas.... al salon, Pepito piscina, The Shark Hunter, Last Harem, El cepo, Bolero and Blockbuster) and randy lad or at least he should be, Imre Polvi (Victor Alcazar of Horror Rises from the Tomb, Hunchback of the Morgue, It Happened at Nightmare Inn, original Green Inferno, Vengeance of the Zombies, El espectro del terror and Earthquake in Chile) are all traveling along when their plot device um carriage wheel goes flying off at Borgo Pass, a region known for treacherous road. The the coach driver died after being hurled of his perch and the five of them must seek shelter and as luck would have it, a visible nuthouse not far from their previous peril. The five hoof it to sanitarium as it begins to thunder and rain down. Of course Dr. Marlow is a perfect host, inviting them in for food and shelter...maybe a midnight snack or two.

Last known picture of these character actors.

Yeah big spoiler, Marlow is Dracula. WHAT??!!! HOW DARE YOU, JAKE??!!! Yeah because none of you had clue one on this. Spare unto me. Please readers, I know how vast your intellect is or otherwise you would never be reading these fine quality reviews. So shockingly enough "Dr. Marlow proceeds to play hide and go suck with his guests building up an army of the undead to nip out and snag innocent virgins of the village with the exception of Karen. Dracula seeks to rebirth his lost daughter Radna in a blood ritual that will resurrect her from the darkness. Karen must be willingly become a bride of the undead and rule with Dracula for all eternity.

Naturally when you make vampiric tarts you chain them up in you dungeon. Them's the rules, people. So what else can we say about this film? Hmm well lot of whipping scenes, lesbian vampire scenes, plenty of topless scenes and ugh, seventies you can really drag those frames out let me tell you.

Will Karen be seduced by the dark side? Is Dracula into bigamy? What was the point of the ax to the head and stair falling scene five frickin' times in the opening credits?

Well the pacing is fair, the dubbing a bit off but nothing really horrible per say and if you needed a flick with jiggly girl vamps, you are in luck. Frankly at the end of the day this feels like someone wanting to make a fetish film but not ballsy enough for a solid R rating. Ranking under PG somehow it is nothing special. I liked a lot of the cinematography but Hammer does it better. 

Shot in this gorgeous location in Madrid called the Parque de El Capricho, where the Duchess Maria Josefa Pimentel  had constructed and preserved during her reign. It has a palace, a lakeside and even a maze leading to the bunker made during the Spanish Civil War where the dungeon was to be in the film. Also this huge iron bridge which was apparently the first of its kind in Spain.

Beautiful to look at but at the end of the day this genre has been done better.

Even in death this guy is still has chiseled good looks.

Zombie Stew: Nightmare City

Hey kids welcome back for Day 2 of Zombie Stew. Gets better if it's left in the fridge. Say howabout a zombie film from the director that brought us the cannibal films of Eaten Alive! And Cannibal Ferox?? No?? No one interested?? TOO BAD!!! We are going over it anyway! No, no!! Don't pass out on me now!! Writer and director of Eurocult or Europloitation Umberto Lenzi (Samson and the Slave Queen, Messalina vs. The Son of Hercules, Pistol for a Hundred Coffins, Paranoia, The Manhunt, Da Corleone a Brooklyn, Ghosthouse and Cop Target) brings us radioactivity and mad, enraged, melee wielding zombies roaming the streets of an otherwise unnamed European city. (Mostly Rome, Italy or Madrid, Spain) This is Nightmare City.

Zombie Time!!!

With the man that brought us "Make Them Die Slowly" comes a tale of gore, random boobies and a bit of different zombies. With a report to be made on a radioactive spill in a nearby town the professor in charge will give all the details to reporter Dean (Hugo Stiglitz of La ley de la mafia, Escuadron suicida, Tequila, Cobra silenciosa and Bulldog) and his trusty cameraman. At the airport the plane does not answer the proper hails and seems to land at a runway of its choosing. Naturally Fire and Rescue ala Spain are dispatched along with the airport police and apparently a small UNIT regiment.

Vacating the plane is the proffesor and several of the crew as they go completely bananas and start attacking anyone in arm's length. Somehow retaining some of their rudimentary intelligence our zombies can use firearms and melee weapons...although they do not seem to understand the need to reload but that is okay, they have fall back zombie strength, knives and thumping sticks aplenty. By the way, we are at the 8:45 minute mark so it kinda sets a tone there. Yeah the tone is lots of throat slashing and gutting going on with several squib blood packets squirting away. With the entire tower personnel, airport security and police completely wiped out we need to cut away to... a jazzercise infomercial? Oh sorry I meant a disco dance collective troupe. Oh please fast paced, weapon wielding zombies, eat them. If that wasn't kooky enough, the zombies seem to drive cars as well. Yup motor skills and motorist skills as well. They just seem to be bloodsucking mutes.

I think I have something on my contact.

General Murchison (Mel Ferrer of Lili. War and Peace, The Longest Day, Falcon Crest, Seduced, Hotel, Christine Cromwell and Eye of the Widow) a four star general of the Air Force or perhaps the Army puts a big clamp down on any broadcast until they have the situation well in hand. Spineless jackrabbit boss shows his little yellow belly to the general and Dean quits. Heading out to find his wife Anna (Laura Trotter of Obscene Desire, Gege Bellavita, The Warning, Nightmare City, Rush, Miami Golem and Close Friends) while the madness continues, Dean cannot help but wonder what is the cause of it all and can it be stopped. The Civil Defense concludes due to the mass rads our flesh eaters absorbed they need fresh blood as well as flesh. So they are rad feral ghoul vampires??

A few words on the moving pictures of the day.

Hugo Stiglitz was Lenzi's choice over Franco Nero (DJANGO DAMMIT!!) and I cannot help but think he would have given the zombies the steely gray eyes and they would have panicked away.

Predominately Mexican and Spanish actors with Italian and Spanish extras my only real complaint is the zombie make-up that seemed like a standard look as it looked like month old oatmeal smeared on their heads and some coloring added to it. Limbs, gut wounds and even headshots were pretty decent for the year of 1980. Heck even the blood coloring was not that bright red almost solvent paint color from the 60s and the 70s. The editing in the film is very fast paced with some cheesy dialogue but what do you want from dubbed lines? The nudity is...well yeah there is a fair amount of it around the movie. So if you love the Euro/Spanish horrors and are a fan of random zombie attacks followed by topless girls then this my friends, is your film.

Whew! Almost had a black box moment there.

Weird West Week

Howdy pardners and welcome to the week!! Now you cowpokes and tenderfoots must be a wonderin' whats a goin'on and well lemme tell ya it is a doozy. Okay let me get away from that form of lingo before it drives me plum loco. I have found a subgenre residing in horror that has existed since the 1926 silent film Haunted Range about a cowboy attempting to solve the murder of his father at the hands of a ghostly apparition known only as The Black Rider.

Jurassic Park Mexico had some setbacks.

This subgenre has been referenced as Weird West, Spaghetti Horror or Western Horrors. Ghost stories, werewolves, vampires and ghouls roaming about. Some demonic and satanic angles and forces of darkness tackling remote towns with little to no law enforcement or even a competent priest to ward off the evils.

This of course falls back to campfire stories of terror told around the trail blazing tales. It hails from anything to the H.P. Lovecraft stories, legends of mythological creatures such as the Chupucabra, ghouls, spectres and demons being raised from the pit. So we shall gaze into Weird West Week and see how these ranch hands, men of God and outlaws deal with the realms of the unknown and the mess it entitles.

Meatloaf of the Old West!!!

Horror of 1970 Week: The Werewolf Vs the Vampire Woman

Hi there kids and welcome back to Day 3 of Horror of 1970 Week and again I want to apologize for Mark of the Devil, I also was not prepared for that level of Eurohorror.  Today is a total different story as seen from the absurd title alone so grab your silver bullets, prep a flame thrower and get some garlic.  This is The Werewolf Vs the Vampire Woman.

Hey, do I have anything in my teeth?

Beware of the moon, for it brings spoilers in the night!!

Journey into the realms and recesses of the mind of writer Paul Naschy (Seven Murders for Scotland Yard, The Mummy’s Revenge, The Man with the Severed Head, Curse of the Devil, Vengeance of the Zombies, Devil’s Possessed, House of Psychotic Women and Countess Dracula’s Orgy of Blood) a Spainard warped by the love of Universal horror movies, Hammer films and comic books such as Eerie Tales and Tales From the Crypt causing him to write more than 40 different movies for Spanish and Eurohorror films as well as produce and direct.  With his very dark humor and satire he brings an unusual blend of unintentional comedy with his horror and vice versa.  Mixed with director Leon Kilmovsky (Desert Warrior, Leap to Fame, Django, a Bullet for You, Vengeance of the Zombies, The Dracula Saga and Devil’s Possessed) the two have worked hand in hand trying to push the horror envelope without a huge budget to work with.   As for our movie this is a continuation of the title: Fury of the Wolf Man.

Necking takes a new meaning.

A now dead werewolf, Count Wladermar Daninsky (writer PaulNaschy) slays the two doctors performing an autopsy on him after removing the silver bullets from his heart.  Well that is gratitude for ya.  Heading back to his ancestral home, the disheveled Count hides and manages to look civilized.

Making their way across the French countryside (which is shot in Madrid) two students and friends Elvira (Gaby Fuchs of Girimm’s Fairy Tales for Adults, As You Like It, Die Geisha and Tatort) and Genevieve (Barbara Capell of Lolita, The Love Mad Baroness, All Kitties Go for Sweeties and Madame Pompadour) explore the lands and stop at a foreboding castle and go in to visit only to be greeted by our Count who feels the need to tell the tale of a forgotten vampiric countess that ruled these lands in the 13^th century.  Yeah that is a different ice breaker.  Rarely do I take people around the house and tell them about a possible double homicide.

So intrigued by these tales of sin and debauchery that the girls go and investigate the tomb of Countess Nadasdy (Patty Shepard of Glass Ceiling, My Dear Killer, Hannah, Queen of the Vampires, Ella and Edge of the Axe) Elvira accidently resurrects the countess causing Daninsky to morph into the wolfman to do battle with the countess.

I had just a few comments on the film.  Now given budget wise this B movie has good pacing, excellent sets and even good lighting and camera work.  Given their timeline and lack of deadline this movie did the very level best that it could on a shoestring budget.  The only real annoying aspect of it was the English dubbing was a bit painful to hear but watching it in Spanish with subtitles gave it almost an art quality. 

Join us!.. we have cookies.

Take my advice people, skip the dubbed version.  Yes there is a fair amount of blood given well gee it is a werewolf/vampire movie but it is actually tastefully done.  There is brief nudity so the fellas will be thrilled of course but all in all it was pretty fun and I dare you to not laugh at the first appearance of the terrifying lycanthrope.  I spat up my drink and sniggered for a few.