VFW

Hey there readers. Well I can honestly say today's film has been a long time coming. I have been looking forward to this since February. With its substantial cast, its almost Assault on Precinct 13 vibe and simplistic but decent story idea, this promises to be fun. With the conglomeration of Fangoria working in junction with Channel 83 Films, Voltage Pictures and Shudder brings about a collection of genre actors being bad ass war veterans versus a passel of drug addicted mutants bringing all the madness. This is VFW.

SHOTS!!!

Writer/producer/director Joe Begos (Almost Human, The Mind's Eye, Bliss and VFW) with co-writers Max Brallier (The Last Kids on Earth and VFW) and Matthew McArdle (VFW) our story opens with grainy appearance with hot neon and almost a 16 mm 70's exploitation feel with 80's known character actors. I'm always down for such, as it is my one of my favorite sub-genre.

The opioid of the masses is called Hype and there are more than enough addicts longing for their next fix. Seriously, this crap makes Meth look like Fruit Loops.

With a buy of 500k on the line, dealer Boz (Travis Hammer of The Last Ship, Westworld, Ray Donovan, Godles, Monsters of God and The Unsettling) has been hoarding Hype from the masses and chaos is in the streets. Guys, there's always tweak, coke and crack still. C'mon, go old school.

She should have skipped the pate'.

The bar is full and a celebration is on at VFW Post 2494.  Tending bar is our birthday boy Fred (Stephen Lang of Manhunter, Project X, Crime Story, Last Exit to Brooklyn, Tombstone, Shadow Conspiracy, Fire Down Below, Public Enemies, Avatar and Don't Breathe), former Vietnam vet hanging with his buddies: vets Reed (William Sadler of Die Hard 2: Die Harder, Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, The Shawshank Redemption, Hawaii Five-0, Z Nation, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., The Duel, Power and The Highwaymen), Clayton (Martin Kove of The Last House on the Left, Death Race 2000, Beyond Westworld, Bloodtide, The Karate Kid, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Cagney & Lacey, Firehawk, Wyatt Earp, Assault on Devil's Island, Black Scorpion Returns and Revamped).

Korean vet Abe (Fred Williamson of Hammer, The Inglorious Bastards, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Warriors of the Wasteland, Cobra nero South Beach, From Dusk Till Dawn, Vegas Vampires, Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption and Dropping Evil) McCarthy (David Patrick Kelly of The Warriors, 48 Hrs., Commando, Twin Peaks, The Crow, Last Man Standing, Gossip Girl and Blue Bloods)booze hound Zabriski (NORM! George Wendt of Cheers, House, Fletch, Wild About Harry, Becker, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Saturday Night Live, Modern Men, Clipped, Wake Up America!, Eddie's and Bliss) and young Army Ranger sharpshooter returned home Mason (Tom Williamson of All Cheerleaders Die, Dark Nights, Collision, No Way to Live, Running Wild, NCIS, BSU: Black Student Union,The Fosters and Blue Bloods) as they all enjoy the night of stories told and drinks being thrown back.

Hmm, this girl might be a bit crazy like.

Punk kid Lizard (Sierra McCormick of Land of the Lost, Jack and Janet Save the Planet, A.N.T. Farm, Jessie, The Christmas Trap, All Good Things and VFW) pulls a snatch and grab on the Hypers, a gang of junkies and dealers for more than half a million dollars in junk. Desperate for a change and a place to hide out, she sneaks into the bar, putting everyone in danger.

Lizard tells them that seven different kinds of Hell are about to rain down on the VFW and they better get their crap together because it's going to hit and hit in biblical proportions.

Most of these Hypers are brain dead and ravenous for their next fix. Think Zach Synder's Dawn of the Dead mixed with a little Umberto Lenzi's Nightmare City, with zombies using firearms and melee weapons. That's what our fightin' boys are up against.  Lizard or "Liz" gives them the low down and the fellas gear up.

With limited rounds, improvised melee weapons and some good old fashioned know-how, our boys know the pucker factor is at a nine. A small army of crackheads is making their move and the boys are getting tired and running out of time. FYI, the exposition told us the cops aren't hitting the neighborhood and the options are running low.

Few observations, the synth score really feels John Carpenter worthy via Escape from New York, the gangers and hypers are amusingly all white so you're damn right I laughed at that.   Far too many films of this sub-genre hire latinos and blacks to fill the junkie/street punks and yes if you really need examples of that, just look at the Dirty Harry and Death Wish franchise and you'll be hip to that cliche'.

Martin Kove's son Jesse (Ballistica, First Day, Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan, As Night Comes,Steve the Intern and The Black Hole) has followed in his father's footsteps and got the acting bug for a solid ten years. Good on you, man. A decade of work in anything deserves some congrats.

With the slow pace story telling, making a build up for the second act and brother this is a bloody flick. Not the bloodiest I have seen but it is on par with From Dusk Till Dawn for solid gore effects brought by Chris A. Wilks (CIA: Comrade in America, Queen of the South, Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich, Satanic Panic and The Chosen) and Bob Trevino (Wild America, Open Range, The Alamo, Glory Road, Predators, Machete, The Expendables, The Good Guys and Burn Notice: The Fall of Sam Axe).

 For 92 minutes I have been entertained and I am glad to have this in my collection. An homage to the midnight grindhouse and sleazy horror of the 70s and 80s, a overall vibe that felt like a tribute to the masters of the sub-genre to the likes of Umberto Lenzi, John Carpenter, Jack Hill and throw in some Tobe Hooper for good measure, I was not disappointed. So for an easy story to follow about old age, the grind of life, honor and giving a damn; this one covers that pretty well.

Got any change?!

Ninja Death

Okay, back from the hiatus. I have been working on freelance writing as well as, a radio script known as Fiends and Flatfoots. Basically Noir meets Horror. That however is not what we are enduring today. So combing through the more obscure 80s films, I noticed the 50 to 100 disc collections of martial arts, three titles and their alternative titles keep coming up so I thought I would take a gander at this. This is Ninja Death a.k.a. Ninja Kid.

Pajama Party!

No time for credits, introduction or story build-up! Yeah I am serious. This opens up with Samurai spilling Ninja blood. A gathering of warriors, their grand master watching over a princess with a baby and attempt to escape their capture and deaths. Guess we just dive into the action. This ridiculous fast pace is the first five minutes. With that in mind, the princess hurls herself off the cliff (clearly a dummy) and one of the brothers makes off with the baby.

Then for some reason we still skip title cards and have years later tag and fade.

Finding our protagonist Tiger (Alexander Rei Lo of Kung Fu Commandos, Shaolin vs Ninja, Shaolin vs Lama, Mafia vs Ninja, Shadow Killers Tiger Force and Ninja: The Final Duel) in a brothel and a cadre of pointless sex scenes (Yeah boys, there's titty!). The dialogue among the prostitutes sounds like it was written for a porno. Stay classy, movie.

Chinese Gandalf is most vexed.

Gobsmack amount of nudity, this bit of pointlessness is all leading up to intro of a brother and sister that work for Tiger. Tiger makes the brother engage in tons of montage training footage. Seriously, this all look like B footage set aside for filler. Also the grand master has to make a fabulous entrance worthy of Rip Taylor. He send the brother out to converse with a blind soothsayer because...why the hell not. The dubbing goes from American English to the Queen's English throughout this whole scene.

For some reason we have a gaggle of ninja trying to still find Tiger and the siblings. The Grand master has a bunch of ninja along with one wearing a devil mask, who goes completely mental every time the Grand master plays the flute. Who knew that could be a trigger?

With more fighting we see the devil masked ninja is actually Tiger's brother. Okay we have tons to get through.

Ninja Casual

 Firstly, the movie just abruptly starts as well as ends. I mean there weren't any title cards on either the beginning or the end of the film. I am baffled to what the hell I was watching.

After a bit of research, I found out this film and its sequels is actually all one movie that was diced up to make for sequels. This was a friggin' acid trip. Nothing of coherent for story, acting or even a decent explanation. This is either a brilliant bypass to story telling or a garbled hot mess.

Enough interest for me to see if the sequels would actually make ANY sense of this. What the hell, I'll give the second film a whirl.

Hmm decent Slipknot mask.

Girls Guns and Blood

Hey kiddies! I have returned. So after a few fistfuls of horror, I was informed I have been dipping into the genre a bit too often. Now mind you, I really don't mind Horror as a whole but a few select fans have pointed out it feels a tad bit like the Epinions.com days and they were hoping I had something else. Well thanks to a bit of write ups for Dustin Ferguson and I suspect a clever girl who starts in today's movie is why I was asked by the co-writer/co-director/executive producer Robert Rowland (Fallen Angels, Ice Scream: The ReMix, Dead Man's Fuel and The Cottages) if I wanted to take a look at an action comedy shot in grind house fashion. A tale of woe with brothel getting robbed by a ruthless gang of thieves. Apparently these ladies decide a little payback is in order. This is Girls, Guns and Blood.

This kitty came to play.

Brought to us by production companies, Gaucho Productions, Porr Hund Entertainment and Rowling Bones Productions these fine collective of gals are not all they appear to be. No don't jump to vampires and werewolves just yet. Simmer down. Penned along with Rowland, writer Jeff O' Brien (Blind Heat, Alien Incursion, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Bone Dry, Prey for the Beast and Attack of the Giant Leeches) the two team-up to ramp enthusiasm, libidos and action fans to a grade A all-out crazy. We open with a chain of events in reverse, catching up to the actions that lead to these soon-to-be met consequences. A piano concerto as we witness an aftermath of bondage, breakage and beatings. I didn't say it was a Disney film, gang but hang in there. Five men hightail it with goodies in a bag and get to their truck as a curvy redhead Monique (Rebecca Love of The Departed, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Bikini Pirates, Bewitched Housewives and Cleavagefield)comes out in a black teddy and a six shooter, looking to put some hurt on these not-so good ole boys. For those guessing, she's pissed off.

Flashback to yesterday, DBIC(dirt bag in charge) Jamie (James W. Evermore of Dixieland, Salem, Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser, Hap and Leonard, Free State of Jones, NCIS: New Orleans, The Cottages and Happy Death Day 2U) enlists the aid of his merry men as they are off to do some crimes. Yeah a joyous bunch to be sure. Our busy brothel has had activities cut short as they are having a little pow wow, um...hoe down? Community meeting? Yeah that will do.

Yes boys, hers is bigger than yours.

And before I go any further, yes male readers there's titty in it. For my female readers, I would like to apologize but you honestly cannot fathom how many times I am asked about that in any Sci-fi Fantasy, Action or Horror film I review. So yeah there are in fact gobsmack amounts of titty. How much is a gobsmack? What am I? Google? Work it out.

Popping out of the pool water in slow-mo status is Vixen (Adult actress Cherie DeVille of Mandingo's MILFs 2, Sex and Submission, The Grinch XXX Parody, The Coven Wives, Prime MILF 5, Lesbian Lessons Vol. 2 and Lesbian Anatomy) and frankly I thought Siren would have been a better name. Going medieval, nautical and Greek tragedy like.  Fine, I thought it was clever. Vixen is attached to a muscle bound nerdy guy in glasses. Yeah that imagery baffles me as well. Kaiser (Stuntman/martial artist Woody Almazan of Girls Guns and Blood) has had a money SNAFU and Vixen informs Kaiser he's on bread and water until that money has been recovered.   A balaclava and dark clothed wearing gentleman has to correct this over-site or he will be wearing parts of his lower anatomy as earrings.

Now with the meeting underway with the ladies, Kitty (Christine Nguyen of Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros, House Broken, Kaboom, Sexual Witchcraft, Tanya X, Hollywood Sex Wars, Baby Dolls Behind Bars, Vigilante Diaries, The Coed and the Zombie Stoner and After Midnight), Trix (Adult actress Britney Amber of Family Business, Couples Vacation, The Training of O, Prime MILF 5, Hot and Mean, Barb Wire XXX, The Next Morning, First Dates Volume 2 and Superbound), Beretta (Adult actress Kleio Valentien of Diary of a Nanny Vol. 8, Dirty Talk, Taking Control, Infernal Restraints, This Ain't Fallout XXX, Suicide Squad XXX: An Axel Braun Parody, Hogtied and Meet My Girlfriend) and Angel (Cody Renee Cameron of No Respect for the Dead, Gods of the Arena: The eSports Dramedy, The Neon Demon, Deadly Sins, Officer Downe, The Obsidian Curse, The Sex Trip, Golden State, The Cottages, Handy Dandy and Girls Guns and Blood).  They are to partake in a high rollers party. Yes that is serious coin and these boys are looking to spend and get their money's worth.

This thong is chafing. Ew.

Warned they are about to embark on some serious freaky requests, Monique tells the girls they are in charge and brothel strong arm Thumper (Chaz Taylor of Hairmetal Shotgun Zombie Massacre: The Movie, Anna Nicole & the Starlight Angel, The Suplex Duplex Comple, Indie Girl, Project Jyn and Lone Star Deception) in case anything goes completely pear shaped. With a couple of extra hands Loni (Holly Reidenbach of Girls Guns and Blood) Emily (Danielle Evon Ploeger of Littlefield, Last Girl Standing, The Prey, A Room Full of Nothing and Girls Guns and Blood) and Vice (Jamie Hooks of Girls Guns and Blood), it's all hands on deck for the party.

The craziness unfolds, the girls band together to get things done and revenge. So yes some good hand-to-hand fights, gunfights and some chases. Hell Trix is rocking a compound bow with a slow recurve, so that's at least 65 to 80 lb pull back. Kitty packing a retractable steel baton, twirling it like this wasn't her first rodeo. Could have been some seriously kinky clients I but I would be speculating at that and Berretta seems to prefer hand-to-hand. Having great handheld for close-ups, POV and action catching, the cinematography is vastly better than I was expecting.

With the vibe of Russ Meyer's Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, a dash of Rick Jacobson's Bitch Slap and a pinch of Andy Sidaris' Guns, the girls deliver the goods. It's there for you. Action, good comedy, bit of the ultra violence and yes, the aforementioned titty. Ladies, I swear you haven't an idea how often this is asked. On a weekly basis damn near. These bad girls will get their men or die trying. 

So it's available VOD on iTunes, Amazon and Google Play.  So if 75 minutes of girls kicking ass, looking good while they do it sounds like your kinda flick, give it a view.

No one dumps me on Messenger!

 

Torso

Well folks, I'm back. Something something headaches. Sorry it gets a bit repetive to type over and again. So after the odd film earlier I thought I would dabble back into the realm of Giallo and multi-genre director Sergio Martino (Slave of the Cannibal God, Alligator, Don't Play with Tigers, Screamers, Hands of Steel and 2019: After the Fall of New York) handles today's film. This is Torso a.k.a. The Bodies Presented Traces of Carnal Violence a.k.a. Carnal Violence.

Car problems?

We open on an erotic photo shoot with sleazy jazz for porno, a naked woman and man and some suggestive placements for dolls. Eerie looking dolls. Not sure if they are going for some interpretation of Dolly Dearest or they want to arouse Chucky but hey I never claim to understand every facet of art.  Ah good, it has devolved into a threesome or he's telling the girls a secret...with his penis. Got it!  Clearly a layout for Hustler. Where the heck was my mind?  I guess not enough in the gutter for a change. Sorry a bit too much exposition there. Journeying back after the carnal effects, we cut to an art history exhibition and lecture. Um, because they're also nude? The paintings not the class. That could be awkward.

Professor Franz (John Richardson of Black Sunday, One Million Years B.C., On a Clear Day You Can See Forever) and student Daniela (Tina Aumont of Texas Across the River, Man, Pride & Vengeance, Satyricon, Sergeant Klems and The Mechanics of Women) wrap themselves in a philosophical and spiritual debate on the paintings of Perogino and you can see the professor does have respect for her opinion. He feels that Perigino's lack of religious upbringing meant he could not possibly begin to delve into the immortality of the soul or the effects of Christianity has on the populous. Murders now! I'm having too many existential thoughts. Get to the murders. 

Student Jane (Suzy Kendall of To Sir, with Love, The Penthouse, Thunderball, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, Fraulein Doktor and Van der Valk) does her own thang. Yeah I know I will pay for that. The red herring has already planted as we are to believe it is the wanker in the neckerchief (Stefano not Fred from Scooby Doo) who is the killer. The foreshadow is fair but Daddy's not buying, kiddies. But enough of that, next sex scene. Oh and in a Mini Cooper car smaller than the Reliant Robin. Good God, this girl has to be limber for that. Hey those breasts look real. I'm confused!

Maybe Makeout Murder Point wasn't the best place for sexing it up but what do I know. After coitus, John (Fausto Di Bella of A Tale of Love, Torso, Il messia, Escape from Galaxy 3 and Computron 22) spots a ski masked perv outside the Mini and beats cheeks to catch him and give him one for; thus leaving his girl Flo (Patrizia Adiutori of Torso, Tales of Canterbury, Play the Gale or Leave the Bed, Winged Devils and Giovannona Long-Thigh) unarmed, outmanned and slasher bait. Our killer has Jason Vorhees stealth capabilities and a scarf for throttling. Serial throttler sounds like a chronic masturbator though. Don't worry. A stabbing do happen and cut scene to morning later we find John was no better off. Looks like he called Mike Tyson a mediocre boxer. 

Are we end an exposition shot?

La polizia are hard at work. Inspector Closeau er I mean Martino (Luciano De Ambrosis (Without Family, Heart and Soul, Tomorrow is Too Late, Aretino's Blue Stories, Torso and They Were Called Three Musketeers But They Were Four) is dealing with this as best as his dubbed actor will allow. Sadly he didn't get the all powerful voice of Edward Mannix but I digress, it's still imposing.

Student Carol(Conchita Airoldi of The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, Torso, Deaf Smith & Johnny Ears, The Cousin and Closed Circuit) can't stop eye banging the mysterious doctor and his fondness of scarves. If she hadn't been waved over by Daniela, I think she would have stalked the doc and given him an afternoon delight (Ask your parents, kids).

The girls decide to take a break from their classes and head to Daniela's Uncle's villa. Oh God I see where this is going. Yup probably a sentient cave, mutations and a demand for human blood. No wait, that was Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. This could be classier.

Jane and the Professor (No Mary Anne sadly) seem to hit it off very well. Dude you just made tenure, don't go blowing it over a young girl. That kind of activity will get you fired or killed. You're in a Giallo for crying out loud! Shape up!

So can you strangle girls by the dozen with this scarf?

Apparently the night time is the right time for a prostitute. Our snobby and foppish art student Stefano certainly believes that. Hmm I don't remember the conversion rate from dollars to lira, plus this is 1973 and the exchange differs now. Ugh fine I didn't want a prostitute anyway so JUST FINE! A bit of darkness ensues but no more than you expect in these films.

Carol still has her heart or loins set on the doctor as she keeps running into him. She also seems to have the hots for Daniela's Uncle? Um Daddy issues? Carol gets high with a couple of bikers and stumbles out in the worse kind of blocking. The dreaded day for night. Ugh, hate that lens.

Carol's made some poor life choices but I am sure it won't come back to haunt her too much.

With some amazing cinematography by Giancarlo Ferrando (Erotic Exploits of a Sexy Seducer, Slave of the Cannibal God, Loggerheads, A Policewoman on the Porno Squad, Alligator, The Good Thief, Ironmaster, 2019: After the Fall of New York and Warrior of the Lost World) and the handiest and heaviest Eastman Arriflex possible. They are pushing at least three cameras on this job so there is kitty in the coffers. The gore effects are pretty solid, the story has a decent pace and the cast are lovelies of both gender. Good suspense and tension is ratcheted well.

Don't worry horn dogs, plenty of nudity to go with your gore. It's Giallo for crying out loud. Going for the whole POV into the psycho-sexual madman's mind and pulled it off nicely. Of course any more sneers at kink and perversion from society's stand point and I was going to assume this was the founding fathers of the MPAA. 

You're out of order!! ALL OF YOU!!!

Madhouse

Okay there has been requests for schlocky Italian Horror films. I guess Nightmare Beach wasn't pain enough so through the archives of Italy I bring forth Ovidio G. Assonitis (Beyond the Door, Tentacles, Steigler and Steigler, Piranha II: The Spawning and Over the Line), a grade higher than Bruno Mattei but lesser than Dario Argento is the vibe I am getting. And worry not, we have alternative titles. This is Madhouse a.k.a. There Was a Little Girl a.k.a. And When She Was Bad a.k.a. Flesh and the Beast a.k.a. Scared to Death.

Padre Bad Touch: This Fall on NBC.

Huzzah! A myriad of alternative titles! Our story is based haunting a school teacher,Julia (Patricia Mickey of Dean Martin Presents the Golddiggers, Emergency!, The Young and the Restless, Fantasy Island, Simon & Simon, Mistress, The Secret Life of Kathy McCormick and Without Her Consent) for the deaf in the deep south of Georgia. Her memories are deeply scarring apparently. She goes to visit her twin sister that is inflicted with a skin disease and it made her a bit off her nut. Guess her twin sister Mary (Allison Biggers of The Bill Tush Show, Coward of the County, Six Pack, Rearview Mirror, Doorman and Stars and Bars) is completely crackers. Nuttier than a poop log. She vows that Julia will suffer as she has suffered. So that's something they can do together.

Um, good puppers?

Her uncle, Father James (Dennis Robertson of Combat!, Tammy, Marooned, Karen, Cocaine: One Man's Seduction, Bay City Blues and M.A.D.D.: Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) urged Julia to visit twin nutter and boy that went swimmingly. Julia wants to decompress and I would say the stress primarily is from her job and not crazy twin death curse threats. I mean that was a full class room. Bizarre deaths of those close to Julia seems to be occurring, like one of her students Sasha (Richard Baker of Madhouse, Teen Wolf and The Nanny) getting gobbled by a Rottweiler. Could be a coincidence. Probably. Whatever. The neighborhood seems to be under siege by this monster dog as people are being shucked and devoured like so many oysters.  All the attacks seem to be around her childhood house she is staying in. Still potential coincidence?

Clearly she is being female and easily distracted by shoes. Y'know, prick male standard. Psychologist boyfriend Sam (Michael MacRae of Hardcastle and McCormick, Goldie and the Bears, Street Hawk, Hill Street Blues, Hostage Flight, Magnum, P.I., Summer School, 21 Jump Street and Shoot to Kill) has the warmth of a bedpan tells her she's just frazzled. He drops her off at the house and hits the gas. Thankfully her friend Helen (Morgan Most of The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo, Goodtime Girls, Dallas, The Man Who Wasn't There, Simon & Simon, and Legmen) decides to actually not a total asshat like Sam and spend the night with Julia.

Getting a little handsy, Sis!

Julia sleeps like the dead and no sign of Helen anyway. No note on the fridge or by the phone. Crappy friend? Just a bit. Julia just heads to work like it's just another day...with murders.

Uncle James and his parishioner Amantha (Edith Ivey of Little Darlings, Rearview Mirror, Home Fires Burning, Web of Deceit, Grass Roots, Love Potion No. 9, and Stolen Babies) start making their way to the basement for the birthday extravaganza. Good thinking, Padre. Hmm crazy deaths all around the district, time for a party with paper hats and cake! Yup lemonade and crappy gift cards sure do make up for THE DEATH ZONE!

Father James needs to rally as many priests to sanctify the hood. This ground is saturated in gore, sudden deaths and very confused specters. Poltergeists in the Purlieus!

Amantha notices the hefty bag is dribbling. Maybe it's gravy? Maybe it's the secret sauce from Arby's.

Will Mary spoil the party? Is Father James well?

Well a few side notes, our film has some kids getting killed in the film. Yeah that happened. I know many a folk have issues with animals and kids getting hurt, let alone murdered in film. I had to do that particular spoiler. So we have some serious gore in this flick. It is suspenseful and has its twists but felt a few spoilers were needed for tender tummies.

The film is overall shot in the Kehoe House, a formerly single-family mansion in red brick made in 1893, featured Corinthian columns. A few bay windows with single, double and even triple panned windows. Childhood illnesses and dumb kid accidents caused the whispers of kids and/or them singing in the middle of the night. Deemed haunted for decades, many a ghost tour established the Irish Catholic family and its share of terror but recently it was made into a bed and breakfast.

Because who wouldn't want to stay there? According the tourist bureau in Georgia, they are constantly booked, so what the hell do I know.

Deemed a Video Nasty in its day, it took to 2004 to get released in full version but the sound quality is just piss poor. 

Hmm, Pharfo plays rough!

Black Shampoo

And we are back, ladies and gents. Hope you are enjoying President's Day, getting some decent savings on furniture, automobiles and apparently pizza sales. Today's moving pictures hails from Blaxploitation of what appears to be the sleazier side of it. Yes this is no Shaft or Black Belt Jones but more of a near porn variety if the opening theme music is to be believed. Back from Greydon Clark's basement (Angels' Revenge, Hi-Riders, Joysticks, Final Justice, The Uninvited, The Forbidden Dance and Mad Dog Coll) hails the tagline: "He's Bad... He's Mean... He's a Lovin' Machine. This is Black Shampoo a.k.a. Sex at the Salon.

This naked make out aids in the hair drying?

From the man that brought Satan's Cheerleaders, this cheesy sleazy exploitation of Mr. Johnathan (John Daniels of Tender Loving Care, The Candy Tangerine Man, Bare Knuckles, Mean Dog Blues and Flesh-Eating Mothers) runs a salon and apparently is a gigolo. Guess he styles the hair then messes in up in a sweaty, moaning fashion. Are they paying extra for the sex? Honestly I don't know. Dude looks like a genetic experiment of James Earl Jones crossed with Lou Ferrigno. Couple that with most of his filmography titles sound like gay porn titles, minus Flesh-Eating Mothers of course.

Our opus opens with saxophone, bass and enough wah wah pedal I am checking around that I didn't conjure the ghost of John Holmes.  No sooner does Mr. Johnathan finish scrubbing this pent up white girl's hair, it is alluded she starts blowing him. Yeah, I'm sure it was plot related somehow.  No we do not see that scene. Thankfully.   Oh goody, gay stereotypes like Artie (Skip E. Lowe of Crazy Mama, Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, Bare Knuckles, Bitter Heritage and Prime Suspect)and Richard (Gary Allen of Joshua and Black Shampoo)and they're giggly and fabulous. Grrr...

Mongo like candy.

Secretary Brenda (Tanya Boyd of Isl, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, Roots, GoodTimes, The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood, Sanford Loving, Lulu and Days of Our Lives) knows the ins and outs of the business but she's not one to gossip. Kind of Effie to Johnathan's Sam Spade if you will.

With an emergency "hair appointment" at the request of Mrs. Simpson (Heather Leigh of Sexual Ecstasy of the Macumba, Mafia Girls, Black Shampoo, Special Delivery and Hot Nasties) Johnathan may have taken in more than he bargained for. As he heads out, some mafia goons head into the salon and have a chat with Brenda. One would conclude her former employer Mr. Wilson (Joseph Carlo of Satan's Cheerleaders and Black Shampoo) wasn't too happy of her taking off. And that damn kid Dennis is always knocking baseballs through his window too.

After a bit of gay bashing (they tossed Artie and Richard around), head thug tells Brenda she better call 'da boss or people will really get hurt.

Johnathan is being hit on profusely by teens. Seriously the double entendres are so blatant, they're actually painful. "Oh that's a big tool. I bet you're really handy with it." Stay classy, movie.

Mrs. Simpson's gonna teach these girls a lesson. By grinding on Mr. Johnathan. Hmm, this might be a softcore porn flick.   Brenda tells Johnathan she has to go, so he takes out to dinner.  Brenda baby, don't fall for that. Mr. Johnathan's probably got more STDs than James Kirk or at least near to it.

Brenda hasn't called quick enough for Mr. Big there so hired goons go trash the salon to kooky circus like music. Yeah, I was delighted too. Ugh, bring back the mindless booty call scenes now.

Got my roscoe trained on ya, see?

Eventually Johnathan is tired of his place of business thrashed and Brenda being scared so Johnathan is on the case. He's almost Shaft... kinda. Maybe. His cruising music must have been stuck on the interpretive jazz station.

Brenda goes back to Mr. Wilson and he humbly apologizes for the shop getting torn up and says to submit damage bills to him. Yeah that's the least you can do, sucka. No, that line wasn't in the film. Should have been. His thugs raz Johnathan, he pimp slaps one down, one gets it in the planter's and thug number three remembered he has a gun. Wow, brains on a knuckle dragger. Well to console his broken heart, Johnathan goes and plows a client like the back 40.

Brenda gets the goods on Mr. Wilson and goes to Johnathan for protection. HAIR DRESSER! Not a P.I., not a cop, ex-cop, ex-military!!! Not that I would know. We get literally no backstory with this dude aside from he does hair and the owners of said hair. I have a new name for his place, "The Primp, Crimp and Pump!"

With a big showdown with the thugs, Johnathan show them a thing or two. WITH A CHAINSAW??!!! WTF??!!!

Okay let's talk about the issues I have with this film. A few N bombs and gay bashing aside, the women are written like brain dead bimbos that only Johnathan can satisfy, the thugs are barely believable as humans and frankly the double entendres got damn childish.

The technical problems? Blocking scenes is real tough, camera won't focus from foreground to background, clothes, towels constantly moving around from scene to scene so continuity is in the toilet and at some point during a shower sex scene, the fricking sound dies out, soundtrack and all. The editing looks like it was done by a diarrhetic howler monkey. It's shit!

Finally recognized another actor as "New Receptionist" (Jacqulin Cole of Satan's Sadists, The Female Bunch, Angel's Revenge, Wacko and Joysticks). Not exactly filling with joy but I suppose it was a minor mental exercise. This is gory, goofy and girly bouncing of epic proportion.

For who I would recommend this to? Um college kids wanting a good drinking game. Naked jiggly girl? Drink. Not every film of this genre can be Three the Hard Way or Shaft but at least this wasn't Dolemite.

Weirdest Craigslist orgy ever.

Maniac Cop 2

How do, everyone. I really hoped you enjoyed the write up for Tales of Frankenstein. Today I am back in the B movie territory, of which is just fine for me. I mean when you have Bruce Campbell, Laurene Landon, Robert Davi and Claudia Christian all in a Horror sequel that many critics were confused with.  This is Maniac Cop 2.

Forget vengeance, howzabout a makeover?

Recapping right back from its predecessor, Officer Cordell (Robert Z'Dar of Cherry 2000, Maniac Cop, Tango & Cash, Soultaker, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, Frogtown II, Future War, Hollywood Cops and Samurai Cop) plunged into the icy March waters while being chased by his fellow boys in blue to a watery grave. Now while this was all happening during St. Patty's Day, the next festivities is Christmas??  Hmm, methinks a continuity error.

Director William Lustig (Hot Honey, Maniac, Vigilante, Hit List, Relentless, Maniac Cop 2 and The Expert) is back holding the reins, so character, tone and eerie vibe is all available. Now many deem this a cult classic, so let's see if it cuts the mustard. Remember, Cordell was set up by his superiors because they were corrupt and he was getting too close to revealing that very fact. Left for dead as a bad cop in prison, he was coma ridden and died in prison...or did he? What did he find out? 

When the news just grips you.

Meanwhile officers Jack Forrest (Bruce Campbell of The Evil Dead, Crimewave, Moontrap, Escape from L.A., Ellen, Bubba Ho-Tep and Burn Notice) and Teresa Mallory (Laurene Landon of Roller Boogie, Full Moon High, Hundra, It's Alive III: Island of the Alive, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance and Death Game) still shaken from this first encounter, what with lopping his hand off with a chainsaw and...dammit. I confused my horror sequels. Ahem, with Jack andTeresa cleared of all outstanding charges, their knob of a Commissioner (Michael Lerner of Strange Invaders, Vibes, Harlem Nights, Barton Fink, No Escape, Godzilla and When Do We Eat?) is sticking with the BS story that Cordell died in Sing Sing (Sing Sing Correctional Facility) and hopes to put the whole killer cop shenanigans to rest.

He demands they see the shrink Susan Riley(Claudia Christian of The Hidden, Clean and Sober, The Dark Backward, Babylon 5, The Chase, The Haunting of Hell House, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, Half Past Dead and Fallout 4) to get their heads straightened out. Yeesh.

Oh thank God, she doesn't have a broadsword.

Entering our film is clearly the themed bad ass cop that follows the Dirty Harry code of shoot, shoot some more and then go fill out paperwork. Detective Sean Mckinney (Robert Davi of Die Hard, Licence to Kill, Profiler, Stargate Atlantis, Black Rose and The Expendables 3) definitely gonna get the 80s tropes of the captain chewing his ass out for bodies in the streets, cars smashed into buildings and so on. With his partner gone, McKinney works alone. You know the drill. He'll avenge him yadda yadda

Pulling himself out of the river, Cordell embarks on his killing spree of society that done him wrong. Honestly can you blame him? Reporters made him out to be a monster, the citizens of New York turned their backs on the this highly decorated street cop and the justice system sent him up the river with thugs and skells he put away. Starting up his bloody crusade, he encounters scruffy, religiously driven serial killer Turkell (Leo Rossi of Halloween II, Relentless, Fast Getaway, Where the Day Takes You, Raw Justice, Raw Justice, Analyze This, Crackerjack 3 and Back by Midnight) forming an alliance.

One of my favorite character actors second only to Tom Atkins, the late Charles Napier (The Blues Brothers, Rambo: First Blood Part 2, Silence of the Lambs, Return to Castle Wolfenstein, Dinocroc, Lords of Dogtown, Quake 4 and Shadowheart) is grumbly, sour and gives a good performance.

With similar killings like before, city officials are nervous as Hell, the citizens of New York are gonna go to work, pick up the kids and get groceries strapped like it's the Road Warrior. Riley and McKinney each have theories but can scarcely believe them that possibly Cordell is back and the higher ups are trying to corner Teresa, making it seem it's her killing around town. Well I have seen the lady with a broadsword, bow and arrows but she's just not quite the same height and build as Cordell.  That is, until Cordell channels his inner T-800 and goes completely sick house on the station. Whacking cops like he's an overenthusiastic hunter.

Like many Horror sequels, the body count gets higher, the effects gorier and gives a fast pace of an unstoppable killing machine. Feels like the methodical attacks of the Terminator with the zombified staple of Jason Vorhees. The dark humor is still present but not as pronounced as it is for more terror. The original feels closer to a psychological thriller moving into Horror but this sequel is straight up slasher but with more back story and several layers. I can see the appeal and I get why folks are interested in the nearby remake and will it hold up. As for this sequel, not too shabby.

Well, he's no Bogey but not bad.

Uninvited

Hey gang, welcome back to 80 Horror Throwback. So I have to say the notion of a Killer Cat film outside Poe's Black Cat via Lucio Fulci is foreign territory. Seen enough Killer Dog flicks than you can shake a stick at. So why not add a few more unlikely scenarios. Say for example, a mafia don hosting a party on his yacht in the Caribbean? Scientists tinkering with Fluffy's DNA creating a virtual monster? This is Uninvited a.k.a. Killer Cat

They gave him one too many shots.

Yup sadly only one English Alternative Title this time around. What can you do?   Our film was written and directed by Greydon Clark (Black Shampoo, Angel's Revenge, Final Justice, Dark Future, Mad Dog Coll and Star Games) so yes there is an exploitation background and two of his films have featured on MST3K so you know we may have some chop in the water with this one.

With our instrumental and credits interspersed with a mild bit of exposition, our two doctors believe the test subject has a tumor ranging inside of it (Obligatory Arnold quote: "Eet's not a Tumah!) so you know PETA and ASPCA are already annoyed. Our subject is a fluffy orange tabby that looked a bit disturbed at a impeding shot they were going to give him when he he bolts away. Should they have closed the door? Hmm, sound thinking but we don't have time for rational thought.

A further note is one of the doctors calls for radiation security. So now we have armed men in hazmat suits? The furball is nuclear??! What the nine hells is that about? Tranqing him, the security team thinks they got him (It's a trick, get an ax.) and he proceeds to go sick house on them, spraying cherry pie all over the walls. Yes some bizarre mutation allowing him to house another creature inside of him like a host to a parasite (Thanks for the spoiler reveal in 3 minutes and forty-eight seconds!) allowing him to skibble away with POV shots that would have been better served on a Jeeper Creeper because the shot looks like either a human hunkered over or a Great Dane with a Go Pro.

Dr Grady (Greydon Clark) and his lab assistant (Only titled as Lab Assistant) Paul proceed to lower mesh metal gates in a parking lot have secured the building and they're going after the cat. Yeah best of luck with that. I expect Boysenberry blood spatter similar to the previous cherry pie gunk. FYI, the stock cat sound effects in ADR is really limited and slightly ridiculous.

Subplot 2 is two girls trying to find a hotel for Spring Break are aided by a mysterious Mr. Graham (Alex Cord of Route 66, The Brotherhood, Police Sotry, Airwolf, Airwolf TV Movie and Fire from Below), a shady fellow living in the hotel. Hmm... the plot thickens? Suzanne (Shari Shattuck of Hot Child in the City, Freddy's Nightmares, Goddess of Love, Mad About You, Death Spa, Dallas and Silk Stalkings) and Bobbie (Clare Carey of Zombie High, Waxwork, Coach So Little Time, Point Pleasant and Jericho) are just a tad clueless to the bright neon sign over Graham's head that says: I AM A MAFIOSO but it happens.

Tee hee.  We have bewbs.

Graham needs to tend to a "meeting" with his "associates" Mike (George Kennedy of The Silent Witness, Have Gun- Will Travel, Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte,Airport, The Naked Gun, Dallas and The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear) and Albert (Clu Galager of Have Gun- Will Travel, The Rebel, The Tall Man, The Virginian, The Return of the Living Dead, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Walker, Texas Ranger and Feast), to go over Subplot 3 of the Mafia angle and a deal of great importance.

It seems their weaselly trader/banker Darryl (Michael Holden of Automan, Freddy's Nightmares,Cheers, L.A. Law, Reasonable Doubts, Fallout and 24) is having a devil of a time, money laundering. The FTC (Federal Trade Commission) has been snooping around the irregularities of flux of money is getting paranoid being small potatoes and knows if he screws up he will have 10 to 25 years with a cellmate/boyfriend name of Bubba. A hot tub bubbly bath of drowning later and we know Darryl's not gonna flip.

Vic Vega didn't age well.

Felonious feline forays to the dock, sneaks on aboard the yacht and the body count starts racking up. Again it's a cat. Regardless of its mutation, it's called a hammer. They're five bucks. BONK! BONK!

The puppetry is fair, but it doesn't exactly strike fear into my heart. The husband/wife duo Jim and Debi Boulden (Predator, White fang, Strays, Strange Days, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch) built a nasty looking tabby but again not terror inducing as a whole regardless of the professional creation and the camera blocking.

I am told this particular flick wound up in Rifftrax via Michael Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett so yes you may want to watch that version than this straight through. An additional amusement with the level of gore, nudity and blood spattering against the bulk heads, this cinematic creation fell under PG-13.

A ratings error or did it go straight to video in the day and no one was paying attenion? I do not have all the answers on that one. With 90 minutes on the clock, it is distracting enough for unintentional humor and yes I would say it is a good bad movie for those that love them. So if you want some mindless violence, jiggly girl gallivanting and carnage candy, well this is the film for you. 

This is my stop, Tex!