Bloodsuckers

 

Salutations Readers of the Rotten and welcome back to the blog. Now there is a ton of negative reviews on today's movies and some of that is deserved for minor reasons. However, it has some redeeming value due to dialogue choices, creature species names and clear nods to the admired creators. So delving into this Sci-Fi/Horror, I was actually burning a copy for my mom when I realized I never reviewed this film on the blog but for Epinion.com oh so many moons ago. This is Bloodsuckers a.k.a.Vampire Wars a.k.a. Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe.

 

Worse paintball team...ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Personally I like the last title. I just envision Dolph Lundgren as He-Man curb stomping vampires into oblivion. Writer/director/producer Matthew Hastings (Decoys, Panikiller Jane, Eureka, Alphas, The Originals and Shadowhunters) had a vision...um vampires in space. Sort of a Andromeda/Buffy crossover universe. The typical wooden stake, crosses, holy water and whatnot doesn't help at all. Maybe this is Blade crossover. But they seem to be using conventional rounds OF THE FUTURE... Yeah Mossbergs, an M4 with 40mm grenade launcher and metal chromed spikes. Sayth whaaaaat???

So yeah we have a few points to make before we dive right in:

1) The tri-barrel heavy rifle that Roman (Aaron Pearl) is using is from Blade: Trinity. The rifle Patton Oswalt's character shows off to Reynolds, Snipes and Biel's looks at. 2) the interior cockpit, crew quarters and landing plank of our intrepid vampire hunters' ride is the Eureka Maru from Andromeda. They decorated it a bit but Roddenberry fans will immediately recognize this has Captain Valentine's rusted out crap box of the stars. 3) the species of vampires are named after horror film slasher icons such as Voorhees and Leatherface 4) the Captain's sidearm is the Blade: the Series sawed off shotgun with vents. They just added laser sights to it. Trust me, with that spread, you really won't need to aim; just worry about recoil.

In the far away future of 2210, humanity has explored the stars and the only other intelligent lifeforms out there are the vampires. Different breeds, whole lot of attitude. The V-SAN or Vampire Sanitation (sounds like the vamps call them for a blocked toliet) are on the case. From mining planets to areas of British Columbia that Stargate and its spin-offs hadn't filmed in, our brave hunters are taking down suckheads left and right. IT'S A FRIGGIN' CREW OF FIVE!!!!!

Vampire Reavers? Veavers? Rampires?

 

 

 

 

 

 

For God's sake, at least the Sulocco in Aliens had a platoon worth of space marines. My favorite Damphyr of BloodRayne (Natassia Malthe of Devil's Highway, Skinwalkers, DOA: Dead or Alive, Dead & Deader, Sex and Death 101, BloodRayne: Deliverance, Alone in the Dark II and BloodRayne: The Third Reich) is playing...wait for it... a Damphyr. Typecasting or do producers just like her in mid-riff leathers? That may be a bit sexist. Granted you won't hear me complain that a gorgeous woman is in leathers and strutting about.

Our touch as nails Captain Churchill is Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman's hubby??? Yeah it is Joe Lando (Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, Counterstrike, Bloodsuckers, Wildfire, A.I. Assault, Meteor Apocalypse and The Secret Circle) leading our team of FIVE into hostile territories. They snag, bag and tag the vampires or call corporate and tell them the planet is a write-off. It's a tough job but somebody's got to do it.  Breaking in a new roster to the crew is corporate officer Lt. Damian (Dominic Zamprogna of It Waits, Supernatural, Battlestar Galactica, Battlestar Galactica: The Resistance, Blade: The Series, Painkiller Jane, The L Word, Smallville and 2012), a wet behind the ears rookie that may just have what it takes to gack some vamps. Awww he's got a coming of age story. Precious.

 

10 to 1 she heard a cheesy pick-up line.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Among our fine bunch of badasses is gunner duo team-up Roman (Aaron Pearl of The Tortured, Ice Quake, Lloyd the Conqueror, Christmas Miracle, Supernatural, King & Maxwell, Godzilla, Til Death Do Us Part and No Men Beyond This Point) our Drake of Aliens archtype and Rosa (Leanne Adachi of Deep Rising, The Final Cut, The Invisible, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Stargate Universe, Red Widow, Rogue adn Supernatural) our Vasquez wannabe. Well now that the Mousekeeters signed off, they get into the fracas. Shocking the first planet they find has been ransacked and ravaged. For a handful of vamps, they made quite the mess. Moving on from the mining colony, the ship gets an SOS and naturally they're the only ship in the quadrant (Hmm sound Star Trek enough for ya?) so they go in. Finding the sole survivor Fiona (A.J. Cook of Final Destination 2, Tru Calling, Criminal Minds, Dead Like Me, Vanished, Night Skies, Misconceptions and Mother's Day) she tells the hunters that the last place the rest of the colony was down in the mines. FYI, these are the same mines that were used for First Blood. Yeah a bit more movie trivia. You're welcome, gang!

Our team head right to the obvious trap instead of taking off and nuking the site from orbit, because...plot device. Shockingly enough, a team of five really cannot hold off hundreds of vamps. Who knew?  The Captain gets separated from the team and Damian has to take up command. Reluctantly, the duo fire team follow Damian as they find out someone has issued codes to shut down orbital defenses on the allied planets inhabited by humans.  Soooo...it's a universal code?   One code and that's it?! I can change my remote, my Ipad, hell my laptop's registration but one frickin' code?!!! Ever heard of backups?!!  Sorry sorry.

 

Not even Dylan Hunt would hire these clowns.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now our band has to play on and find out who sold the humans out, eradicate them and save the universe. That's a tall order. Getting backup isn't an option as they don't know how far up the ranks of the corporate of V-SAN this goes. Bet it was Burke. He'd definitely screw us for a percentage.

Obviously this film is a love letter to many a creator. James Cameron for Aliens, Joss Whedon for Buffy and Firefly a little smidgen of John Carpenter for Vampires and definitely Star Trek for the Final Frontier gag and techno babble.

Is it a bad movie? No. Is it filled with tropes we have seen before? Well yes. A group of loners that work together, combat their differences, back stories and issues then fight side-by-side? Yeah it may have been done before. There are clever ideas, decent locations, the FX is spot on and overall story is feasible for a TV plot. Is it captivating to the likes of Serenity? Well that is an unfair comparison and Firefly had a lot of desperate elements and characters that amounted over the course of 14 episodes and a later a movie. If Bloodsuckers got the same treatment, they could do pretty well. So yes if this were the pilot episode rather than the movie, you'd have a chance.

At the end of the day it is a goofy flick with some action, one liners and vampires. Look if you came for a riveting story that tells us the underlining metaphor of humanity and the hopes and dreams that would one day become reality, you picked the wrong blog. I really don't review those types of film. If you came for some laughs, cheesy lines and a decent enough plot; you're in luck.

Grr. Arrgh.

Biohazard

Howdy folks. Well because of the re-release of the revamped with new bells and whistles Resident Evil 2, I decided to find something to brand that up. So digging through the archives of producer/writer/director Fred Olen Ray for anything resembling that and well...the Japanese title is acknowledged with this film buuuuut...I'm not sure what I am in for. This is Biohazard.

Are Boobs and I invited to the phone conversation?

Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (Evil Toons, Star Hunter, Night Shade, Illicit Dreams 2,Tomb of the Werewolf, Bikini Airways, Teenage Cavegirl and Nuclear Hurricane) and I am not as versed with him as I am Jim Wynorski or their Italian mockbuster counterpart Bruno Mattei, so this should be interesting. I did see Alienator with Ross Hagen, John Phillip Law, Jan Michael Vincent, P.J. Soles and Joseph Pilato. Yes I recognized them all because...I have reviewed a lot of film, TV and near photographic memory.

Our movie begins as most do, with some simple slide texts and some synthesizer. We open with a APC driving into Vasquez Rocks??!!! AHHHH!!!! Sorry, sorry. I am a wee bit sick of this as a location. I get its appeal of being remote and isolated but ugh. Just a bit irked I can recognize it by sight.

Hearing a giger counter bury the needle is always a cause for alarm in my book. Could also have been a stock sound effect. Gonna punch most of our "Military Men" as NONE of them bothered with a G.I.cut. HAIR GROWS BACK! Well, for most of us. I hadn't taken in account of male pattern baldness. My bad.

As the experiments continue, experts range from a scientist Dr. Williams (Art Payton of Beverly Hills Madam, Never Too Young to Die, Emanon, Defense Play and Knots Landing) to a rather chesty psychic, name of Lisa (Angelique Pettyjohn of The Girl from U.N.C.L.E., Get Smart, The Touch of Her Flesh, Clambake, Star Trek and Hell's Belles)

So our heroes are experimenting with transmitting and assembling matter from nearby dimensions. Yup, the physics are right out the window with this grade of Sci-Fi but you normally expect it in 70s to 80s TV. Not everyone has a blue police box at the ready. So scientists twisting space and time and basically giving God the middle finger. Well this will clearly not backfire.

Probably measuring zombie rads like Zombi '90.

Transport expert and ex-military, Mitchell Carter (William Fair of Deep Space, Take My Daughters, Please, The First Power, Marked for Murder and Deep Impact) and his driver get to the secret lab in time to watch General Randolph (Aldo Ray of Johnny Nobody, The Virginian, The Violent Ones, The Green Berets, The Houndcats, The Centerfold Girls, Black Samurai and The Lucifer Complex) blow his top. With this science being fiddle faddle, poppycock and utter balderdash, Dr. Williams is hoping to change his mind.

They manifest some sort of container and naturally the general called dibs, ignores the scientist because...plot device.   I mean military intelligence knows all!   We also do not comment on how uniforms don't match military chain.  One guy is in civvies camo style. Again we are behaving. 

Trick 'r Treat, sucka!

Naturally the Army is made to look like asses as the container breaches and out comes!...a very small alien. Like the size of a kid. Um, okay. So toddler Clawful smacks a grunt to death and escapes into the wilderness.

Carter and Lisa team up to chase the creature down. Lisa seems to exhibit empathy rather than telepathy. Not sure if that was important but I noticed that. Of course since they are working together she feeds him Dinty Moore stew and then proceeds to mack him on the couch, with the girls out on display. Must be co-operational behavior.

Can Carter and Lisa capture or destroy our itty bitty invader??  Will General Randolph stop burbling lines like he is drunk?  How does Lisa's bra handle the strain??

I recognized precisely two people in this flick and that is rare I do not recognize more. Maybe more Fred Olen Ray films will fix that oversight. Aldo Ray I clocked from Black Samurai with Jim Kelly. Let's not get back into the hate crimes of that flick. Angelique Pettyjohn took even longer and then I remembered my original Star Trek era and Gamemasters of Triskelion popped in my head. Ample and very curvy, she tends to stand out. Buxom, I believe will get the point across.

At 84 minutes, we have a killer ET that is roaming Southern Cali with murder on his mind. The transmat device interacting with psychic energy sounds straight out of Tom Baker Doctor Who era and some light to moderate skin with your violence. A few blocking issues and I swear Aldo Ray was drunk for his scenes but all in all this can be a fun drinking game for movie tropes.

The creature costume looks pretty damn impressive courtesy of Kenneth J. Hall (Ghoulies, Critters, Carnosaur, Puppet Master 4, Puppet Master 5, Jack Frost, and The Clown at Midnight) and Fred's son, director Christopher Ray (Reptisaurus, Megaconda, 2-Headed Shark Attack, Mercenaries, Circus Kane and Minutes to Midnight) was roaming around it the bio suit at age 5.

An amusing side note, the Mexican VHS release was called Space Gremlins or Gremlins del Espacio if you prefer.

I sense you are gawking at me.

Not Of This Earth

Hey folks, I'm back. So we are hitting Jim Wynorski flavor country and we are in for a treat. A bevy of gorgeous girls are almost a guarantee, some funky effects and some memorable lines are in store for us. This is Not of This Earth.

Traci hard at work.

Now for you more picky fans, I will point out this is the 1988 remake with Jim and not the 1957 version with Roger Corman. There. I hope we got that one across. For those not in the loop, I was explaining that Carpenter's The Thing was a remake and that turned into a nerd rage battle for four days of BS notes.

Clay animation, explosions, lighting effects, gorgeous girls. This film has a lot going on. Practical effects and SFX make up is damn solid. Except...those opening credits were a mix mash of clips from Battle Beyond the Stars, Forbidden World and Humanoids from the Deep. There may have been more and have nothing to do with the flick. Methinks...filler perhaps?

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Moving on, our story is a hybrid Horror/Sci-Fi/dark comedy so you know there is a lot going on. Working hard for her money. So hard for it honey. Wait, that's a Diana Ross song.  Professional RN, Nadine Story (Traci Lords of Cry-Baby, Shock 'Em Dead, The Tommyknockers, Highlander, Profiler, First Wave, Novel Romance and Swedish Dicks) is hard at work in the office of Dr. Rochelle (Ace Mask of Transylvania Twist, Return of the Swamp Thing, 976-Evil II, Munchie, Ghoulies IV and Victim of Desire) when an unusual patient comes to visit. Always dressed in black, wearing sunglasses and in need of a blood transfusion. At first it sounds like a migraine sufferer minus the blood transfusion. Vampire with headaches?

The enigmatic patient known only as Mr. Paul Johnson (Arthur Roberts of Maneaters Are Loose!, Beyond Westworld, ChiPs, Deadly Vengeance, Revenge of the Ninja, Chopping Mall, Big Bad Momma II, Rorschach, The Curse of the Komodo, SharkMan, and The Mummy's Kiss: 2^nd Dynasty), which is uncomfortable coming out of my mouth. Heyo!! Ahem, he is mysterious yet polite and well mannered still gives off the vibes of something is amiss.

The cure for this fever is more Traci.

Nadine has been requested to give blood transfusions to Mr. Johnson and may have to assist him for several days if not weeks. There's a blood flow penis joke in there somewhere but I already made a moderately filthy joke as it is. Tending to his every other whim is his assistant, chauffeur, fix-it man Jeremy (Lenny Juliano of Commando, Lethal Weapon, Sorceress, The Wasp Woman, Vampirella,Final Voyage and The Bare Wench Project) who I am trying decide if he screams date rapist, toadie, lackey or lickspittle.

While continuing her duties, Nadine reads about random people attacked and their blood completely drained. Again, vampires? A scourge among us? Dr. Rochelle starts to become worried about this and wonders if he should inform the police of his suspicions.

Possibly aliens but that concept is so farfetched, I mean where would the proof be? I mean other than Mr. Johnson's hyper-dimensional, telecommunications device/gateway.

Will Nadine be in danger? Can pervert Jeremy keep it in his pants? Say didn't that radio announcer sound familiar?

Armed with some exploitation actresses of the like of Monique Gabrielle (Bachelor Party, Deathstalker II, 976-Evil II, Chained Heat and Return of the Swamp Thing), the late Roxanne Kernohan (Fatal Pulse, Critters 2, Phoenix the Warrior, Angel III: The Final Chapter and Tango & Cash), Becky LeBeau (Ninja Academy, Transylvania Twist, Jake Spanner, Private Eye, Nudity Required and The Malibu Beach Vampires) and Kelli Maroney (Fast Times at Ryan's Hope, Ridgemont High, Night of the Comet,Chopping Mall, Big Bad Mama II and Pop Star) the men folk will not be hard pressed to find someone to gawk at.

Amusing side note that both Richard Belzer and Michael York play predominant roles in the film yet, I cannot film this movie in their IMDB filmography. Wouldn't surprise me if IMDB screwed up but that is neither here nor there.

Oh, because that was the 1995 version. Yup same film, three times. 45 minutes elapsed and I didn't seem to realize I hadn't seen our star Traci. The streaming site managed to goof on the version. Luckily I found the '88 version. Hell if you think that is nuts, go look up Dracula, Tarzan and Sherlock Holmes Hound of the Baskerville. A LOT of remakes there, my friends.

It's campy, silly and doesn't take itself seriously. Behold, Traci can act. She can flirt, give attitude and has charismatic moments. Yes while this film is a bit oddball, I had fun hearkening back to this.  Wynorski and Corman fans, this is a must have for your collection.

Han Solo's been drinking again!

Random Reels: Alien vs Predator

Hey folks I am back again. Sorry for the delay but the Subspecies Audio Review took almost two days to cut, edit and complete. That being said we are doing some Random Reels today and I thought I would describe a film that was neither disappointing or amazing but really lackluster as a whole. A film combining two franchises that should have accelerated to the echelons of cinema and not in the bottom of the Best Buy five dollar barrel. This is Alien Vs Predator.

His name is Tusky.

This particular film had high hopes from anyone playing the arcade game of Aliens vs Predator based on a Dark Horse title started in 1993 which storyline has nothing to do with humanity and it is just Aliens and Predators going to town, along with Activison releasing a Super Nintendo version of the arcade game. With action figures, video games in development, these two terrifying creatures of space were held to a standard as high as the Universal movie monsters of yesteryear. So Fox green-lights a film treatment that was in development hell. Deciding if it should be a new Alien movie, will Ridley Scott or James Cameron come back for it, can they get Sigourney Weaver and/or Michael Behn back and so on. So how did this concept disappoint so many? Well...okay I'll tell you as best I can.

Looks like a remodeled Shang Sun temple.

Director/writer Paul W.S. Anderson (Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, Soldier, The Sight, Resident Evil, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Resident Evil: Extinction, Death Race,Death Race 2 and Pompeii) tells a tale involving humanity, the xenomorphs (Aliens) and the hunters (Predators) and an ancient pyramid deep in the frozen wastes of Antarctica. Recorded by Weyland Industries satellite, a huge energy beam strikes the frozen region from the sky. For what purpose? No one can say. Owner of said satelite and growing corporation, Charles Bishop Weyland (Lance Henriksen of The Terminator, Aliens, Alien 3, Pumpkinhead, Powder, Millennium, X-Files, Man's Best Friend, Madhouse, Hellraiser: Hellworld and Screamers: The Hunting) has video confirmation of something, a huge structure buried miles under the ice and wants to take an expedition to discover what it is.  Well being an Anderson movie you know this cast will consist of expendable one-dimensional characters who will tell the audience in clunky dialogue who they are and why they are so vital to the team. Anderson favorites include the very talented Colin Salmon, Tommy Flanagan and Liz May Brice. Yeah they show up in more than a few of these flicks and their roles as body count NEVER EVER changes.

Make two Blade sequels without me? What were they thinking?

To lead this dangerous trek we need a bad ass and there she is. Alexa Woods (Sanaa Lathan of Blade, Out of Time, Nip/Tuck, Powder Blue, Something New, Wonderful World, Tilda, Contagion, Boss and Shots Fired), mountaineer, trained medic and overall bad ass. Weyland describes what they will be facing and she puts her foot down worried that the expedition will be over before it begins. Some of these cats don't look cardio ready enough but Weyland will go forward with or without her help. So off into the tundra they go.

Meanwhile miles above the Earth, a landing party comprised of three predators proceed past this forgotten oil refinery/whaling town and head below the ice to find...a big honking pyramid somehow almost perfectly preserved from even these harsh climate changes. Let's be clear. This stonework is completely intact after years of no direct contact with the existing weather patterns. Our team of expendable (Not in the Stallone and Statham way) archeologists want the audience to believe it is an Aztec temple and the hieroglyphs speak of a hunting ground as a rite of passage to being full hunters. An Aztec temple in the Antarctic, possibly Cambodian. Boy, that will be a big shock for Mexico won't it? Oh and before we get into the sweet, sweet action this SciFi/Horror movie is rated PG-13. Conclusion on that? More young butts in seats equals a viewing pleasure.

Action scene wise, this is visually awesome. Watching two of the nastiest critters going at it in full death match looks amazing. You can hear every growl, snarl, bones cracking, masonry being shattered. Awesome sauce.

The downside is the dialogue is typical of Anderson creations in that it has no depth, no time for character development and no one is particularly interesting at all. Exception our bad ass mountaineer, the rest could have been replaced with voice actors and CGI green screen characters. I couldn't remember a single character name attached aside from Weyland and Alex and I have a near perfect memory. Bottom line, the story is crap but the visuals are amazing. The characters are dull and unfinished but the FX, props and makeup are astounding. My advice? Hit mute, turn on close caption and watch it unfold.

Sadly, Kevin Peter Hall did not get to reprise his Predator role as he died in 1991. the animatronic Alien Queen was rigged with a motion control remote allowing her movements to be recorded digitally and saved for implementation for the film. 

Guess the queen is into BDSM??