Not Of This Earth

Hey folks, I'm back. So we are hitting Jim Wynorski flavor country and we are in for a treat. A bevy of gorgeous girls are almost a guarantee, some funky effects and some memorable lines are in store for us. This is Not of This Earth.

Traci hard at work.

Now for you more picky fans, I will point out this is the 1988 remake with Jim and not the 1957 version with Roger Corman. There. I hope we got that one across. For those not in the loop, I was explaining that Carpenter's The Thing was a remake and that turned into a nerd rage battle for four days of BS notes.

Clay animation, explosions, lighting effects, gorgeous girls. This film has a lot going on. Practical effects and SFX make up is damn solid. Except...those opening credits were a mix mash of clips from Battle Beyond the Stars, Forbidden World and Humanoids from the Deep. There may have been more and have nothing to do with the flick. Methinks...filler perhaps?

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Moving on, our story is a hybrid Horror/Sci-Fi/dark comedy so you know there is a lot going on. Working hard for her money. So hard for it honey. Wait, that's a Diana Ross song.  Professional RN, Nadine Story (Traci Lords of Cry-Baby, Shock 'Em Dead, The Tommyknockers, Highlander, Profiler, First Wave, Novel Romance and Swedish Dicks) is hard at work in the office of Dr. Rochelle (Ace Mask of Transylvania Twist, Return of the Swamp Thing, 976-Evil II, Munchie, Ghoulies IV and Victim of Desire) when an unusual patient comes to visit. Always dressed in black, wearing sunglasses and in need of a blood transfusion. At first it sounds like a migraine sufferer minus the blood transfusion. Vampire with headaches?

The enigmatic patient known only as Mr. Paul Johnson (Arthur Roberts of Maneaters Are Loose!, Beyond Westworld, ChiPs, Deadly Vengeance, Revenge of the Ninja, Chopping Mall, Big Bad Momma II, Rorschach, The Curse of the Komodo, SharkMan, and The Mummy's Kiss: 2^nd Dynasty), which is uncomfortable coming out of my mouth. Heyo!! Ahem, he is mysterious yet polite and well mannered still gives off the vibes of something is amiss.

The cure for this fever is more Traci.

Nadine has been requested to give blood transfusions to Mr. Johnson and may have to assist him for several days if not weeks. There's a blood flow penis joke in there somewhere but I already made a moderately filthy joke as it is. Tending to his every other whim is his assistant, chauffeur, fix-it man Jeremy (Lenny Juliano of Commando, Lethal Weapon, Sorceress, The Wasp Woman, Vampirella,Final Voyage and The Bare Wench Project) who I am trying decide if he screams date rapist, toadie, lackey or lickspittle.

While continuing her duties, Nadine reads about random people attacked and their blood completely drained. Again, vampires? A scourge among us? Dr. Rochelle starts to become worried about this and wonders if he should inform the police of his suspicions.

Possibly aliens but that concept is so farfetched, I mean where would the proof be? I mean other than Mr. Johnson's hyper-dimensional, telecommunications device/gateway.

Will Nadine be in danger? Can pervert Jeremy keep it in his pants? Say didn't that radio announcer sound familiar?

Armed with some exploitation actresses of the like of Monique Gabrielle (Bachelor Party, Deathstalker II, 976-Evil II, Chained Heat and Return of the Swamp Thing), the late Roxanne Kernohan (Fatal Pulse, Critters 2, Phoenix the Warrior, Angel III: The Final Chapter and Tango & Cash), Becky LeBeau (Ninja Academy, Transylvania Twist, Jake Spanner, Private Eye, Nudity Required and The Malibu Beach Vampires) and Kelli Maroney (Fast Times at Ryan's Hope, Ridgemont High, Night of the Comet,Chopping Mall, Big Bad Mama II and Pop Star) the men folk will not be hard pressed to find someone to gawk at.

Amusing side note that both Richard Belzer and Michael York play predominant roles in the film yet, I cannot film this movie in their IMDB filmography. Wouldn't surprise me if IMDB screwed up but that is neither here nor there.

Oh, because that was the 1995 version. Yup same film, three times. 45 minutes elapsed and I didn't seem to realize I hadn't seen our star Traci. The streaming site managed to goof on the version. Luckily I found the '88 version. Hell if you think that is nuts, go look up Dracula, Tarzan and Sherlock Holmes Hound of the Baskerville. A LOT of remakes there, my friends.

It's campy, silly and doesn't take itself seriously. Behold, Traci can act. She can flirt, give attitude and has charismatic moments. Yes while this film is a bit oddball, I had fun hearkening back to this.  Wynorski and Corman fans, this is a must have for your collection.

Han Solo's been drinking again!

Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre

And we are back. Y'know, gang sometimes the title along says, "C'mon you're curious to see how this pans out." With today's film that is a definite and with the blessing of the film's director, Jim Wynorski (The Lost Empire, Chopping Mall, Not of This Earth, The Return of Swamp Thing Sorority House Massacre II, Dinosaur Island, Vampirella and Stealth Fighter) giving me the go-ahead, I think I will give this a gander. This is Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre.

Um...they're dirty girls?

Yeah I got your attention with that title. Our film starts off with a bang (not that kind, ya pervs) as two guys from the Arkansas Fracking Industries set off a series of explosions. Fracking is a term for explosive demolitions.  Our collective of ninny Fred (Production designer and Art department Robert Hummel of Dinocroc, Hell Ride, Tekken and Alien Rising) and Sam get their truck stuck as POV shots are in hot pursuit behind them.

Subplot1 has Detective Patterson (Traci Lords of Cry-Baby, Not of This Earth, Blade, First Wave, Deathlands, Frostbite, Novel Romance and Swedish Dicks) and Detective Adam (Corey Landis of That 70's Show, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Camel Spiders, Dracula: Reborn, Toy Masters and Bad Internet) are pursuing a couple of guys that pulled off a heist and they are dogged and hot on the trail.

Meanwhile, subplot 2 as a region designated for chain gang work. No Sonny Landham or James Remar in sight but a bevy of beautiful girls doing time.  So yes, this is a combo platter of women in prison and creature feature.  Also prison regs are tank tops and shorty shorts.   Um...must have missed that on the last Orange is the New Black.  With only two guards watching them I can see this only going well.  They are required to dig in this swamp area and remove stumps.   Guessing the warden's favorite movie is Chained Heat.   Again, only a theory.

My hair tussled enough?

With guards Carl (John Callahan of All My Children, Dinocroc vs Supergator, eCupid, Zoe Gone and The Bay) and Mike (Serafin Falcon of Transporter 2, I Love Miami, The Sopranos, Burn Notice, The Bait, South Beach and NCIS: Los Angeles) on the case, you know...well the girls have only to jiggle and they would be distracted.

Don't worry, my sexist pig readers, the girls manage a little wet T-Shirt dribble here and there for this hard working. Let's meet our bad girls, shall we? Shannon (Amy Holt of Girls Gone Psycho, The Unit, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Break a Hip and Terry), Sarah (Skye McDonald of NCIS: Los Angeles, Murder in the First, Follow Me, The Bet, Stalked by My Mother, Growth:VR and Leading Lady), Michelle (Christine Nguyen of Dexter, House of Lies, Tarzeena: Queen of Kong Island, All Babe Network, Vigilante Diaries and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation), Anita (Cindy Lucas of Piranhaconda, After Midnight, Shark Babes, Scared Topless and Legend of the Naked Ghost) and Samantha (Tabitha Marie of Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre).  Samantha goes to scrub up a wound and seemed to have disappeared.

Sleeping off eating Quint.

Heavens, an injured woman on the side of the road...while you are carrying four convicts.  Hmm, nah nothing wrong here.   Honey (Dominique Swain of Girl, Happy Campers, Lolita, Face/Off, Tart, Alpha Dog and A Doggone Christmas) pulls a fast one on our guards and it's all aboard the prison escape van.

Okay let's get the observation snarking out of the way. The POV shots show me clear, almost tropic waters shots while the main swamp shots have dingy, muck water.   There I did that.  We all happy? Fine, at least three of the guns changed calibers and models.  Yes, I'll finish. Boy, lush vegetation of palm trees, fichus and an underwater cavern in Arkansas seems unlikely.

Patterson and Adam join in to find the missing convicts so not sure about their previous objectives but they are on the case These here waters be infested, me buckos.  Yar!

With abducted Carl in hand, the girls camp out in a house rented by Honey and naturally it's near the swamp lines. Dry land, girls. C'mon already!

An evil industrial complex (because aren't they always?) may have unleashed an ancient predator back into the world by fracking the area prior. This bit of exposition brought to you by Professor Orville, geologist (Chris De Christopher of Distant Justice, Death Racers, Vampire in Vegas, The Devil Wears Nada, Busty Cops Go Hawaiian and Attack of the Killer Donuts) and his pretty boy assistant, John (Oscar DeRosa of Magic City, Hoke, Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre and Lionheart). Claiming it may be able to travel on land as easily as water. Cue Richard Dryfus speech!

With the cops massing a manhunt and this sharkasaurus running wild in the swamps, the girls figure it is high time to bounce.

Will they make it out in time? Can they dodge the cops?

Okay it's a bit campy but you get the vibe it is supposed to be. It's a throwback to the era that brought us The Killer Shrews with a popular shark attack theme and hot girls. Personally I had fun with it. Yes the land sharks gag did make me think of SNL, I know the firearms are Airsoft or BB guns and again I do not care.   I had a blast with this bit of goofy.  Love Traci's performance feels like she is channeling Tommy Lee Jones' U.S. Marshal Gerard from The Fugitive and U.S. Marshals.

Half of the reviews I read about this movie are outright vicious.   Hey "critics"! Just because you made some trivial observation, doesn't give you the right to crap on a film.  We are supposed to be objective and dispassionate in what we see and hear.   Yeah I noticed license plates too.  You got a problem that much with it?  Write and direct your own.

I couldn't shut off Spanish subtitles. Yay me.