Yoga Hosers

Hey readers, how goes it? So it's been a while since I've had some Kevin Smith. Annnd that came out vastly more pornographic than I wanted. Let's try that again. It's been a while since I reviewed a Kevin Smith film. Better? I thought as much.  So three years prior, the big buzz was his Canada trilogy as it has been referenced and one of the projects was involved his daughter, Harley Quinn and Johnny Depp's daughter Lily-Rose. We've got Canada, BFFs, villainous Nazis and genetic experimentation, so let's give this the once over. This is Yoga Hosers.

Gaaah,remember Tusk? Your dad is so weird!

The True North Trilogy consists of Tusk, Yoga Hosers and Moose Jaws. Yes you will have to go and secure your own copies. Shockingly enough Amazon is a click away. Okay may we battle through the "wurst" of it, I won't be a sour kraut and this is the school of hard knocks. Alright, enough awful puns and on to the flick in question.

Colleen Collette (Lily-Rose Depp of Tusk, Yoga Hosers, The Dancer, Planetarium, A Faithful Man and Savage) and Colleen McKenzie(Harley Quinn Smith of Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Bac, Clerks II, Tusk, Yoga Hosers, Holiday, Hollyweed, Supergirl, All These Small Moments and All Night) are atypical 15 year old teenager girls that spend their days in yoga, noses buried in their smart phones, working a convenience store Eh-2-Zed (I will hurt Kevin for that pun) and their cover band, Glamthrax. . An addendum, their drummer is 35 and named Ichabod (Adam Brody of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, The O.C., Jennifer's Body, Welcome to the Jungle, Burning Love, Life Partners and Growing Up and Other Lies). Music gigs aren't that scarce, brah and I am getting serious creeper vibe going there.  Further addendum, their parents lacked any creativity for names but hell not my cross to bear. They are inseparable and life in Manitoba is dreary, dull and deadening inside

Jason Vorhees' final form!!!

It's Canada, folks. Pleasant people, weather and attractions but they kind of creep me out.   I was informed they do not run around in deer and moose skins nor do they try to kill the sun with rudimentary, crude fashioned spears.   Who knew.

Senior heart throb and McKenzie's dream guy, Hunter (Austin Butler of Zoey 101, Ruby & the Rockits, Life Unexpected, The Carrie Diaries, Arrow and The Shannara Chronicles) has invited the girls to a Senior party. Awww... Yeah, check this kid for Rohypnol.  Deep cavity search.

Colleen's(Harley) mom, Ms. McKenzie (Jennifer Schwalbach Smith of Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back, Now You Know, Jersey Girl, Degrassi: The Next Generation, Clerks II, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Red State and Tusk) gotta warn the girls that boys just want to get freaky deaky at this age.  Channeling Aunt May and hoping to put the girls off any form of interaction. Could always have an organ crap out.  Seriously first five annuals of the Amazing Spider-Man, something was wrong with Aunt May.  Google that.  Mom is actually scarier as she slips Colleen her stiletto for protection. Damn I just got the lecture don't get a girl pregnant, not handed a shiv.

He puts the brat in bratwurst. Too homoerotic? You judge.

To strengthen their karma or whatever the hell you do in Yoga. I'm more limber from it and...yeah that's it. The girls are in the care of Yoga guru, Yogi Bayer (Justin Long of Jeepers Creepers, Ed, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Idiocracy, Live Free or Die Hard, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Drag Me to Hell and 10 Years). He seems to have either accepted the constant Hanna-Barbera jokes and deals with the pic-a-nic baskets or he is a better somber man than I. The seriousness to his more unorthodox yoga positions was killing me.

The intrepid duo has to contend with teachers? Yeah not meshing seems to be their jam. You can almost hear the build-up of "When I was your age," comments. Let's see...15? Hmm crappy job, school, D&D and zero prospects of girls. Well I got nothing to compare there at all.  Moving on!

Colleen's(Lily-Rose) dad Bob (Tony Hale of Dante's Inferno, Andy Barker, P.I., Chuck, Not That Funny, The Heat, American Ultra, and Jake and the Never Land Pirates) and his very much younger than he girlfriend, Tabitha (Natasha Lyonne of Modern Vampires, American Pie, American Pie 2, Comic Book Villains, Blade: Trinity, All About Evil, Addicted to Fresno and Antibirth) take off for an impromptu vacation, leaving the girls stuck at work. Dick move, brohan. Dick move.   Bob might also be lacking a spine, as Tabitha took it out Predator style!

Nazi Sausage Party!  Yup that came out weird.

Clerks-like shenanigans on the rise!   Hockey on the roof?   Pervy guy wanking himself to death?  Well okay maybe not Clerks level.   Still deciding who gets to be the Randal.   Sadly for the girls, having to close the store is the least of their worries as they have stumbled upon a Nazi killer regime threaten to rule ze world!  Okay our nefarious Canadian Hitler, Adronicus Aracane (Comedian/writer Ralph Garman of The Prowler, NYPD Blue, Two of the Money, Celebrity Deathmatch, Eagle Eye, Jay and Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance and Hollyweed) has a tremendous schinitzel up his arsch and deals with art critics with his evil collective of clones.

With the assistance of legendary manhunter Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp of A Nightmare on Elm Street, 21 Jump Street and other stuff) Oh c'mon, the man has a substantial filmography!   Go look it up or have lived in the 80s to now!  Guy begins to hear the girls out on their plight. A plight of a double homicide they did not commit and it was the handiwork of the naughty knockwursts!   Naughty Knockwursts is the German gay porno I will be writing when this blog goes nowhere so, probably next week.

Guy believes them, assists in their legal problems and sets them free from the clink. Can the girls deal with such terrifying meat products?? Will these young Canadians dispatch the rising Nazi regime? Can they put down their damn phones??!! Is the term Goalie Flesh Golem sound as disturbing as could be??

Yes this film openly torments Canada, Millennials, parents of Millennials, Whitey White Supremacists and I had fun.  If we were to take this seriously, dissect it in every facet to whom it offends, I could be here all day still writing this mother.  Kevin's writing is as sharp as always, his corral of actors has gotten an addition and I laugh my ass off seeing Johnny in makeup and total lack of zombie pirates.

Guest appearance by Kevin Conroy? He's Batman in case somehow you forgot and this Stan Lee guy. I think he was into comics. *cough Marvel Universe *cough. Yes, a myriad of the View Askew Universe has made its way into the Canada.

I'm loving how the music score changes up from a near John Williams' Indiana Jones to a John Carpenter's Halloween.  Kevin, you a bit of a film freak, ain'tcha?   It's all good.

Final thoughts? Well yet another buddy movie on Kevin's part but the girls shine through. With next to no experience, these two nail their roles on such a level I'm shaking my head one instant and then laugh the next. The performances are great, it's supposed to be campy and dammit it succeeded on all levels.   It's screwy, outlandish and a giant finger to those that don't get it.  Not exactly sure why almost every critic crapped on this flick, but I guess it is not for everyone.   So yes I had fun with this and yeah Smith fans, you will enjoy it. 

Dude, shut up about Arrow! Not getting you an autograph!

Death House

Finally! Sorry, after almost a year I finally have to chance to review this film that has been described as The Expendables of Horror. Yes for you folks my age and a tad younger, you will recognize many a name attached to this. Penned by the late Gunnar Hansen (Leatherface of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) comes a maximum penitentiary gone amok in Death House.

Man, the chicks on Orange is the New Black aren't that hot.

 Felissa Rose herself was telling me about this flick and by God I wanted to watch it since. When Angelia tells you it's gonna be fun, you best be watching this. Writer/director B. Harrison Smith (The Fields, 6 Degrees of Hell, Camp Dread, ZK: Elephant's Graveyard, Death House and Garlic & Gunpowder) brings a myriad of Horror icons of mid 70s to early 80s. Names and faces will pop out at you rather easily.

Our super max prison holding the baddest of the bad is supposed to be modeled after Dante's Inferno, so yes that means levels upon levels. The most vile and despicable are basement dwellers.

Bob Villa's This Old Hell House.

With a detailed inspection underway, this subterranean holding facility keeps the worst of humanity under lock and key for nine levels. Agents Toria Boon (Cortney Palm of Seance: The Summoning, Sushi Girl, The Hit Girl, Alien Rising, Zombeavers, It's Not a Date and Everlasting) and Jae Novak (Cody Longo of Make It or Break It, Piranha 3D, Days of Our Lives, The Silent Thief, For the Love of Money, Nashville and Secrets and Lies) are there to observe the levels and take in the medical and mental health works of Drs. Eileen Fletcher (Dee Wallace of The Hills Have Eyes, The Howling, E.T. The Extra-Terrestial, Cujo, Critters, Troubled Child, The Lords of Salem, Grimm and Just Add Magic) and Karen Redmane (Barbara Crampton of Re-Animator, Chopping Mall, From Beyond, Puppetmaster, Robot Wars, Castle Freak, Guiding Light, The Bold and the Beautiful, The Young and the Restless and You're Next).

Our prison's narrator of the tour cannot be mistaken for anyone other than Adrienne Barbeau and I immediately recognized her voice. 80s kid! Right here!

Farmer Asa (Tony Todd of Night of the Living Dead, Voodoo Dawn, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Candyman, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Wishmaster, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, The Prophecy: Foresaken and Hatchet) takes a young lady to the hill and what I am guessing is near on old mine shaft or bomb shelter. His hand passes through her stomach wall with near supernatural behavior, taking his time with his little flower.

A virtual reality hologram deck allows the doctors to program in the killers' various victims, allowing the killers' scenarios to play out. A gas keeps them mostly docile so they can't be violent and start massacring the guards and staff. Boon escorts Sieg, who she helped snare, a occultist/Neo Nazi (Kane Hodder of Prison, Friday the 13^th Part VII: The New Blood, Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Best of the Best, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Project: Metalbeast, Jason X and DarkWolf) to his own Hell on Earth. Careful kiddies, that Jason Vorhees/Victor Crowley strength could kick in at any time.

Rubber bullets, my ass. Gimme a chain gun!

Meeting up with Captain Galan (Kenny Ray Powell of Promoted, Inspired to Kill, Death House, Garlic & Gunpowder and No More Mr Nice Guy) , Boon gets a request to review her mother's murder and murderer through this VR holodeck and I gotta say...why? Will it give you closure?

Our murderer is none other than Machete? (Danny Trejo of Heat, Desperado, Spy Kids, From Dusk Til Dawn, Machete, Bad Ass, Rise of the Zombies, Sons of Anarchy and Young Justice) Our dead mom, Kristi (Camille Keaton of I Spit on Your Grave, The Concrete Jungle, Savage Vengeance, Chop, The Lords of Salem, Blood River, Cabaret Diabolique and Gterror in the Woods Creek) is clearly the driving force for Boon's dedication.

We come across a Leatherface (Troma veteran Debbie Rochon of Black Easter, Tromeo and Juliet, The Vampire's Seduction, Night of the Living Dead: 30^th Anniversary Edition, Hellblock 13, Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Bikini Bloodbath and Wrath of the Crows) that even Gunnar Hansen would be proud of.

Before I go any further, I would point out there is a ton of graphic gore, people. No lie, this is bloody. So just pointing it out for anyone that may not be able to handle chum buckets full of blood here.

Level 9, the heavily secured can only be observed by holographic system; houses the five evils as they describe. Nazi genetist, Hirace Giger (Bill Thorton of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Silent Night, Deadly Night III: You Better Watch Out, House of 1000 Corpses, Devil's Rejects, Repo: The Genetic Opera, Gotchic Harvest, Cynthia and American Exorcist) who somehow stunted his aging process. Balthoria (Lindsey Hartley of Passions, Days of Our Lives, All My Children, Nightmare Nurse, Smallville and Deadly Exchange), channeling a certain Countess she too is a hemophile and bathes in her victims' blood. Alexi Nela (Vernon Wells of The Road Warrior, Commando, Innerspace, Revamped, The Butcher, Silent Night, Zombie Night, World's End and Like a Bat Outta Hell), Cannibal, Nercromancer connected to the deaths over 700 children that they know of. Crau (Michael Berryman of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Hills Have Eyes, The Barbarians, the Golden Child, The Guyver, The Devil's Rejects, Z Nation, and Hell's Kitty), augmented strength, enhanced intelligence and healing factor. An experimental process created this but drove him crackers. Thile (Vincent M. Ward of True Blood, NCIS, House of Payne, The Walking Dead, Live Evil, Illicit and It's a Date) Satanic occultist known for crucifixion and turning his victims inside out. Blarf.

Uh oh, looks like a Blonde Off.

Novak bumps into an old buddy of his, the Icicle Killer(Sid Haig of Foxy Brown, Savage Sisters, Police Woman, Jason of Star Command, Jackie Brown, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Brotherhood of Blood and Hatchet III) who was responsible for his parents' deaths. Noticing a pattern here. With a guard patrolling he thinks skunks are in the dumpster. Doofus, call in for back up and wait with rifle drawn and safety on.

Well enough of the tour, howzabout a 6 minute shower scene? Because our agents felt they were dirty birdies, I guess. They have no real knowledge of their tats, who they are and golly they are in a prison with behavioral modification and memory implants. Hmm....

Naturally you can't make an omelet without massacring quite a few eggs as derpy dead guard gives the medical term a Joker tummy surprise. Dr. Redmane stays her path that memory erasure and new memory engrams are the most moral things to do with these men and women, making them productive members of society. You'd think this far into a future set up, a de-atomizer would be a concept made machine. Well Timmy, this is the fourth time in 12 years you have been sent to us wearing another man's flesh. Pile of dust for you.

Dayum girl, you even bench?

Movie editing, tight knit writing makes the memories more believable. Enter Bennett (Richard Speight Jr. Of Independence Day, Band of Brothers, Supernatural, Jericho, Justified and Driven) with lovely assistants Dr. Angela Freeman (Felissa Rose of Sleepaway Camp, Nikos the Impaler, Zombiegeddon, Satan's Playground, Return to Sleepaway Camp, Silent Night, Zombie Night, Camp Dread, and Victor Crowley) Dr. Logan Harrison (Laura Compton of Clown Town, Attack of the Killer Donuts, Heroes with Issues, Garlic & Gunpowder and Hell Girl) who delight at re-creating the murders through new, live victims. More specifically the homeless so they can better study the criminals at large if you will, compile that data and create the most comprehensive criminal database. Yup nothing in that sounds really messed up if you say, a soulless congressman, sure. Hack away! Gut them and wear their intestines on your head, ya loopies. It's for the greater good. WTF??!!! 

Still no visit is complete without a visit from the 3 Satans. Yeah, yeah that could be confusing. We got Satan (Sean Whalen of The People Under the Stairs, Twister, The Young and the Restless, Chasing Ghosts, Halloween II, Hatchet III and Ugly Sweater Party), Creator of Satan (Bill Oberst Jr.of 1000 Ways to Die, A Haunting in Salem, Circus of Dread, The Blood Let, Assassins, Hell's Kitty and Welcome to Hell) and lastly the Antichrist, Son of Satan (Bernhard Forcher of August, Supernatural, Freedom, Fury, Grimm, The Man in the High Castle and Counterpart). Still confused? Well...okay not gonna lie. Pretty sure they are all loopy including the staff of doctors. I did spot a couple of my favorite scream queens, Brinke Stevens and Tiffany Shepis in the back.

With an EMP device the size of a frag grenade, the power's down and back-ups are not kicking in. The monsters are out of their boxes, kids. Play time!

With the doomsday scenario set, the prison is rigged for poison gas dispersal and any staff or personnel left behind, well they aren't getting to enjoy retirement.

What we have is a society demanding order and structure but completely violating the very rights this country stands for in order to create such harmony. To willingly place people in harm's way for the sake of more data gathered and they still have the audacity to call the murderers, monsters.

This is very much operating at the level of slasher horror and action film. The zoo has sprung and folks are coming out to spill gallons of blood.

For me, I was simply enjoying the who's who, decent story, substantial budget for a Horror film of this genre. You got crowd fights, falls off railings to level drops. Up close into the psychopath and sociopath mind. For the slasher buffs, oh yeah it has it. And yes, it has nudity. Almost always the same fricking question I am asked in this genre.

At 75 minutes we have fair dialogue and simple story with intense scenes, blood and bits caking the walls, I swear I am having Epinions.com flashbacks when I was stuck only writing about horror for them. So many film references. Pretty sure Yan Birch of The People Under the Stairs (Stairmaster) was Dr. Phibes so yeah there is a lot of inside jokes but no good humor here, folks. Just gore, some T&A and a substantial body count.

Trapped in a shaft and haven't had lunch. Cannibalism yet?

After School Massacre

And I am back again. Hold your applause. So random fan requests seems to be the order of the day introducing me to Indie Horror director Jared Masters (Climb It, Tarzan, 8 Reels of Sewage, Hollywood a GoGo, Slink, Deadly Punkettes, Club Lingerie, Ballet of Blood and Amethyst). Not sure if this will be Cheerleader Camp gore/ T&A levels or if I am dwindling into Zombie Doom Andreas Schnaas territory. I have a brief stint of his filmography that IMDB has and you know how accurate they are. (Spoiler! They declared George Romero dead five times prior his actual death) So howzabout a slasher flick of a teacher gone crackers and stalking helpless girly girls in their panties? No? Too bad. This is After School Massacre.a.k.a. A Teacher's Day Massacre a.k.a. Blood School a.k.a. Teacher's Day

Jess, are your boobs real?

Ohhh, it has Alternative Titles so yeah I get it now. Cause I do that gag every so often throughout the years. We open with an exterior night shot and then into a slumber party? K. Well I don't see any cheerleaders thus far but they could be out of uniform. While the better chunk of this slumber party are bouncing on the beds and have a good old time, one girl Erica (Abby Summers of After School Massacre) calls her ex and gives a death declaration. Apparently he was a real douche, heart breaker and in dire need of being castrated. What a Debbie Downer, Erica! So a handful of pills and bathroom crash later, the party is kinda done.

Cut to a series of school notebook notes as our credits unfolding, what sounds like a Casio keyboard test beat and ADR of some of the girls channeling Valley Girl and...well it was actual clever for an intro.

Mr. Andersen (Bruce Kade of Angel of Death, Betrayal and After School Massacre) lays down the law and one rule most of all, no beanies. Yeah guess the kids can smoke crack or shoot heroin directly in an eyeball but absolutely NO HATS! Jess (Savannah Matlow of After School Massacre) wants her hat back and her friend Devon (Nikole Howell of Diary of a Black Widow, Slapped!, The Studio Club and American Poltergeist) wants to know why Mr Andersen is undressing her with his eyes but won't accept her friend request. OMG Mr. Andersen, what is your damage? Ugh, slay in my sleep if I write like this again. Yes these girls are that petty and arrogant, they are looking to get him fired. Instilling values, concepts and ideals is a wee bit challenging when their noses are buried in chats, tweets and texts.

Yeah baby I respect ya and crap. You do anal?

 

Even his co-worker Kara (Kelly De Vries of Camp Little Creek, After School Massacre and Deadly Punkettes) has similar problems and Teacher Day may be a holiday but plenty of papers to grade and students to scar for life. Dean Wheatley (Art Roberts of Parasites, Home Video, Good Twenty, The Book of Ten Years, Garden Party Massacre, Absolute Vow and The Big Noir) has heard the water cooler talk, knows the skinny and has to let Andersen go because of the impeding scandal he could cause...for telling one of his students her outfit was a bit short and she can attract creepers. I think I would have heard his argument better if the boom mic hadn't captured the hum of the fluorescent overhead lights. Seriously I wasn't even wearing my headphones and it is just vibrating so loudly.

The evening mail is murder!

From dedicated teacher to spree killer we fade to next scene and get a dose of exposition to Mr. Anderson's whereabouts. Of course the cops are flat out incompetent finding him. Think Angel City via Black Scorpion. Those bumbling jackasses. I'm kidding, mere hours have gone by, so I guess he hid the bodies and the same batch of girls are having another slumber party regardless of suicide girl Erica. So rude of her gacking herself during their party. Yup some real sweet kids.

Big sister to Jess, Dee Dee (Simone Wasserman of Waterfront Nightmare, Glimpse, Bliss and Cicada) managed to land her the alpha male jagoff. Yup wandering eye doesn't even cover it as he is constantly eye banging Jess and her "hot friends" and has serious issues eyeballing their mom. Dee Dee Darlin' super glue is cheap and effective. Seal all the holes God gave this moron. I got the biggest smile when Ms. Perkins was Dawna Lee Heising of Meathook Massacre II. Yeah I adore her.

The sum up vibe of this film feels like if you combined Mean Girls, House on Sorority Row and add a dash of Prom Night and you have your film.

Quick couple of side notes here. Aside from the lovely and talented Dawna Lee Heising and TV personality Mindy Robinson, I didn't know a blessed thing of the rest of the cast until I mildly recognized Officer Harris(Steve Crest) from John Dies at the End. So I looked up his filmography and notice a few choice films with a more...shall we say NC-17 standing. Here are just a few titles of his Adult filmography I felt were funny and PG enough for me to list on this blog.

Too Big for Teens 7

Office Perverts 7

Boffing the Babysitter 10

Latin Adultry 14

Naught Nanny 3

Big Breast Nurses 5

and

Busty Bartenders

The other ones that made me laugh, well they're really not up for print on a fairly kid friendly blog.

At the end of the day, no this is not a new formula as our killer enraged is moving into Vorhees' style of kills, the kids aren't really that sharp and gore is the order of the segments. I do wonder what was up with the synthesizer soundtrack that sounded like a gathering of 12 year old boys holding a farting contest and creating about 3 loops. Our kills are creative, the cast is all doing their job and there is a tad bit of over acting but it really works for the sub-genre of slasher film. Mild to next to no nudity. Brave move there, director. All in all, this is solid work, good technical and decent Indie horror. Let's get Jared some more work and money!!

Oh my, however will they pay for that pizza? Bow chicka chicka wew wew!!

Eight Legged Freaks

Hey folks we are back for the hump day. Yeah allergies and sinus have been going crackers. So with that in mind how about another creature feature? No abnormally large rabbits that move like Joe Cocker on ether but instead gargantuan spiders instead. Relax, it has no John Agar. Director/writer Ellory Elkayem (Larger than Life, They Nest, Return of Living Dead: Rave to the Grave and Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis) attacks a small Arizona town and even has an Avenger. This is Eight Legged Freaks.

Yes honey, you can be Black Widow when you're older.

With the radioactive chemical spill trope giving it that 1950s feel. Think Them only a more modern dialogue and less superimposed creatures. Should I run in terror when David Arquette has top billing? Suddenly have Dewey flashbacks from Scream. Okay on with the write up here.

In the town of Prosperity Arizona, our local paranoid/X-File is the radio DJ Harlan (Doug E. Doug of Everything's Jake, Cosby, Touched by an Angel, Shark Tale, Justified, A Novel Romance and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit) spewing conspiracy theories to the level of Tremors' Burt Gummer...without a fraction of the training or firepower. Sorry Harlan, none can top the Gummer.

With the sleepy town waking up and a half awake truck driver loses one of the barrels carrying plot device, falls in a nearby cave. No doubt warping the flora and fauna but apparently only directly effecting the arachnids. Cue every boy and girl that ever screamed at a spider!

A week goes by and you know, I like that. Time has passed allowing for the contamination to happen. Running the elaborate roadside attraction spider farm, Joshua (Tom Noonan of Manhunter, Robocop 2, Last Action Hero, Heaven & Hell: North & South, Book III, Heat, The Astronaut's Wife, Knockaround Guys, Seraphim Falls, The House of the Devl and The Cape) could almost be Crazy Ralph of Friday the 13^th buuuuut he lacks screaming doom and death curse but has creeper old man vibe going. nerdy inquisitive boy Mike (Scott Terra of Charmed, Going Home, Ground Zero, 7^th Heaven, Motocrossed, Redemption of the Ghost, Daredevil and Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star) is seeing multiple species of spider getting huge and of course doesn't question Joshua on if that is safe, alarming or off putting because trusting kid. He's the Tooth Fairy kid, he is all sorts of wrong.

Grrr.. um spider noise, spider noise.

We are given a bit of exposition via Sheriff Sam Parker (Kari Wuhrer of Sliders, Anaconda, Spider's Web, The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting, Berserker: Hell's Warrior, The Prophecy: Uprising, Hellraiser: Deader, The Prophecy: Forsaken and General Hospital) finding a barrel of x amount of chemicals and has to give her boy Mike a stern talking to. Bumbles McGee or Deputy Pete (Rick Overton of Willow, Blind Fury, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures, Mad About You, Serial Killing 4 Dummys and Six Feet Under) I can only assume is the comic relief and well his lifespan can go either way.

Rebellous daughter Ashley (Scarlett Johansson of Ghost World, Lost in Translation, A Good Woman, The Island, Iron Man 2, The Avengers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Lucy, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Hail, Caesar! And Avengers: Infinity War) is running with some mean motor scooters and... clearly the kids hate their small town where everyone knows their name and so on. Seriously they are as threatening to the town's harmony as a mild broccoli fart.

Let's not forget mumbly gruff Chris (David Arquette of Airheads, Beautiful Girls, Scream, Ravenous, Never Been kissed, Slingshot, Pushing Daisies and Medium). Guess that ten year hiatus from the town allowed him to catch the Woodsboro Slasher but he still wants a thorough frisking from our lady sheriff.

Naturally Mike has to be Goonies, Party of One and have untold adventures. In some regions of Arizona, they'll show you their One Eyed Willy. Mike discovers the spiders have grown expontenally and on the hunt for food stuffs so expect a few sacks of drained humans, cattle, local wildlife. It's gonna get messy. With Sam and Chris trying to help fight against these critters, I am reminded of needing boomstick, chainsaw and maybe a good flamethrower.

What's that? An old abandoned mine? Well of course Mikey will go exploring...the little nipple head.

Why did the writer call me a nipple head, Chris?

Chris is convinced his father died finding a viable vein in the mine and set the guys into action. Mike meets up with Chris and tries to warn the adult that giant spiders are a happening. With the usual luck of a small kid in these films always does. Sheriff Sammy gives him the typical too much Sci-Fi TV and movies spiel and grumbles.

Fortunately the town while comprised of idiots, they are idiots with weapons of all shapes and sizes so they stand a better chance then the usual. Waiting for alien bounty hunters and the town drunk to get liquored up and...oh wait, that's Critters. Apologies.

Yes this is not a new concept. The creature feature has been happening since the early 1950s and that's fine. The CGI is still not has widely perfected at 2002 and well that also is a bit of a pain but I have seen worse examples. The story is relatively simple and the dialogue won't win any awards but it is the right amount of cheesy for the overall staple they are going for.

I noticed a few continuity issues. Flashlights changing make, model and size. Gladys' cigarette going from damn near a butt to almost whole. Little issues to be sure, I just thought they were funny.

This is a popcorn movie, cheesy line and moderate action. They even tried squeezing in a mother/daughter dynamic coming of age story and well, that happened. Not brilliant but what do you expect from a title like Eight Legged Freaks?  Yes I pulled this off of Netflix for their May Horror package.  A PG-13 Horror/Sci-fi/Comedy.

GET SOME!

Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft

Hey gang I'm back again. So with the more than positive responses to Stephanie Beaton and her films, I was looking high and low for another one. Heck if the actress herself doesn't think this writing is a complete dumpster fire, I might as well keep going. So I did make mention of going further into her sequels to beloved cult classic franchise and yeah some have been utterly screwy. This time around we change location as Lutz (Stephanie Beaton) has been whisked away to Jolly Ol' England (Yes everyone across the pond probably hate that term) and must do battle with vampires...again.  This is Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft.

Be honest, do you like my Sailor Mercury outfit?

Dumb horny guys try to pick up women vastly more than they and looking to get lucky. Fellas, your dangers senses should be kicking in. This club is packed and there are bound to be better looking guys than either of you. Led to a stairwell and the women turn out to be vampires. When they are trying to drain the guys, they're making out with each other. This feels like how a horny fan boy thinks bisexuality works.

Okay for the fans of this series, a few notations. 1) No Will Spanner. Yup everyone's favorite warlock/attorney/occult expert is not in this one. 2) Lucy Lutz (Stephanie Beaton of Wicthcraft IX: Bitter Flesh, Zombie Gang Bangers, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, Monster in My Car, Eyes of the Werewolf, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood and A Passion) is on the trail of a madman sorcerer hell bent on ruling the world and he likes killing people. 3) Lastly, no Detective Garner so Lutz is on her own.

Steve was found lightly groped to death.  Poor bastard.

This mad sorcerer is Hyde (Kerry Knowlton of Exposed! Pro Wrestling's Greatest Secrets, Immortal Combat and Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft) is being held by Bureau 17, a division of Interpol that deals with supernatural and preternatural effects, scenarios and creatures.

Now with those comments out of the way, welcome to London as Lucy Lutz has to deal with Interpol over an evil and cruel practitioner of magic she is suppose to extradite back to the states so he can face his crimes and probably the death penalty. I'm hoping for the wet maritime rope whipping scenario from Casino Royale. By the way, Lutz has about two bags packed. She's supposed to be there for maybe a couple of days. Agent Dixon (Sean Harry of Virtual Terror, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, Those Video Guys and Talking Who) has been assigned to Detective Lutz and the two try to bond while he's driving her. HOWEVER, the audio quality is AWFUL. Yeah I had to put headphones on just to hear it better. I don't think the music portion was added at the same time as the dialogue and it is mixed poorly. The music is dominating the scenes. Hence the headphones. Outdoor audio not fully fading so it just pops and then back to the next scene. I will have your spleen, audio editor!

The main focus of the movie is Agent Celeste Sheridan (Wendy Cooper of Breeders, Witchcraft X; Mistress of the Craft, 24 Hours in London, Blood, Bodywork, Warrior Sisters and The Rain Has Stopped) has other worldly powers. Not sure if this is from another dimension, aliens or possibly an avatar of an ancient god. She also goes through a transformation not unlike Sailor Moon aaaand she's a cop. Well that's not confusing at all. Witch Cop! Agent Sorceress! Meh, this joke going nowhere.

A cadre of bisexual vampire vixens led by Raven (Eileen Daily of Razor Blade Smile, Sacred Flesh, Cradle of Fear, Kannibal, Sentinels of Darkness, Machines of Love and Hate, Evil Calls: The Raven and Albion Rising)head into the precinct, attack several of the agents and take Hyde. Maybe omnisexual vampires is more accurate. The greatest loss of them all, Steve. Uh the front desk guy. The lynch pin, the glue that held Bureau 17 together... yeah okay he really wasn't that important but dammit someone needs to mourn Steve. I think.

No Lutz, no. That's how Steve always wanted to go out.

Now once again I warm my pimp slap hand when the writer makes Lutz suddenly startled and confused that the supernatural exists. She claims to have been chasing Hyde, sees dead cultists and alleged vampire attacks. Um she's already dealt with this with cultists and vampires prior. C'mon writer, either watch the previous movie to borrow elements from it or get the screenplay.

Continuity, dammit. Just let's not make Lutz forget all she has already learned.

Director/writer/producer Elisar Cabrera (Demonsoul, Virtual Horror, Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft, FWA British Uprising and Those Video Guys) made Lutz a secondary character in this to showcase Celeste more.

Raven wants Hyde to bring about a demon, god or possibly a being over an outside realm. Did I mention some of this is hard to hear? Only Hyde has the ability to read this ancient tomb about the Walpurgis (or Valpurgis) ritual to give Raven UNLIMTED POWER!!! Y'know, that old chestnut. Now given this guy is a wrestler, the dialogue isn't so far fetched for his overacting but wow. That tank top he is wearing just not flattering. The cut of it makes it look like the guy has a beer and a shot belly.

Senpai, NOTICE MEEEEE!!!!!

Celeste seems to have telekinesis, power bolts and think some flight. Her...fighting capabilities is well a bit of sword fighting and some fisticuffs. Though her telekinetic powers seems to lift Just Juice. And English, what in the nine hells is Fairy Liquid?   Guessing a dish washing liquid or a creamer? Meh, I'll look it up later.

Dixon and Lutz got close quickly after the first vampire attack as they had each others' back. So I guess that means have a hot bath and a shag. Hmm what happens in London, stays in London? Just she didn't want to stay in her hotel room? Hey not going to judge the lady, I was just curious.

Hyde and Raven do chew up quite a bit of the scenery between them, leaving walls sparse. 

 

Even for an Indie Horror movie, scenes dissolve real quick, the editing feels abrupt, the audio quality is choppy and there are several scenes not cut properly. FX is fair, the verbal sparring between Raven and Celeste is on par with a superhero flick, so that's nothing bad. Just wanted to see more of Lutz as she is already a bad ass character and given she is the only one that ties the original series, I was hoping she had lead on this.

Eileen Daily is clearly having fun with her role as lead vampiress and I love how NO ONE questions Celeste's vinyl Sailor Moon like outfit and stiletto heels. Here at Bureau 17 we are a bit lax with dress code, old bean.

Good staking scenes and no one-liners? Here's yer stake dinner! Got wood? Start your own branch! Guess you won't be pining for Valpuris! Okay so maybe not a one-liner then.

Well the full skinny, finally out of California, decent enough story ideas without the full range of technical know how. Needs more than one camera and understanding of blocking and firing the tone deaf audio editor. Beaton is enjoying herself and gets a lot more to do. Vampire slaying for example! Hell if she never wanted to go back to Cali, Bureau 17 has more than a few openings, thanks to vamps. The root of all evil. Yes, got one more in.

Vamp nibbling...apparently. Whatever.

Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh

Okie dokie, we have fan requests for more Stephanie Beaton. So I will be dabbling into a series I have not watched in some time. We are diving into the Witchcraft franchise. I will bring you up to speed. Will Spanner (Charles Solomon Jr., Marklen Kennedy and David Byrnes) is a warlock/lawyer/amateur occult specialist. Destined to be a terror similar to Damien Hellstrom from Marvel Comics, a world of evil awaits one day for him to turn. So he is on the third regeneration (yes they have gone through a few Wills) and was killed during the hammiest of vampire clans and he died...or did he?  The reoccurring cops Lutz and Garner keep somehow forget that magic and the supernatural occur.   Or their current writer forgets. This is Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh.

Psst, hey rookie. Lutz has great legs, right?

Our title cards are a bit different from the last time and company as Troma has taken over for production. Hmm, that mean there's going to be more than a few sex scenes? Yeah does scream 80s porno but lacks the bluesy saxophone or synthesizer. We open with a pretentious art gallery with wine free flowing and no smoking??  Must be California. With two bodies on the ground and maybe the cops ought to be notified.  Oh and Troma fans, there. I have reviewed a Troma movie so nyah. Almost 4 minutes of title sequence. AHHHH!!!!

Now Lutz and Garner were previously Kurt Alan and John E. Holiday, however we have a different Garner and we have the previous Lutz replaced by his sister Lucy (Alisa Christensen and now Stephanie Beaton). Now my only complaint with this Lutz and Garner(Mikul Robins of Teen Wolf, Frogtown II, V-World Matrix, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood, and The Craven Cove Murders) becoming doubters and have to recap the notion they have worked with Will before. That and Will being a lawyer somehow means he's a P.I.   Yeah more than a few hiccups. This dude would be so disbarred. Anywho, the film prior to this has nothing to do with the series continuation overall, so enough of that. No I mean it. It was about a haunted house, sex starved coven and a rival warlock.  It's been a bit garbled.

Police? I've got a warlock masturbating outside my window. Again.

Lutz and Garner are at the crime scene for a double homicide and are fairly calm there's only one body quite dead. Will tries to talk to them but he is out of his skull. By that ,I mean he is a spirit and must find someone to communicate that. We get some flashback sequences or as I like to call it Will's Slideshow. Footage of the previous flicks and up to his demise. If only someone could assist him.

Naturally you'd think a prostitute like Sheila (Landon Hall of Stolen Hearts, Different Strokes, Black Thunder, Forbidden Passions, The Escort III and Hotel Exotica) is Will's medium. Hey, beats Whoopi anyday. With a quick exposition dump, it is revealed that Sheila had a near death experience and now she hears dead people.

Will's fiancee Keli is quite upset that Will hasn't called or gotten in touch with her. At least those were lines she delivered. Suffice to say, Leah Kourtne Ballantine doesn't exactly give a great performance. Her third film but the vibe of this execution is...she looks extremely sleepy. The way she dispatching lines feels lackluster in their apartment in spite of having a house together in two films prior. Yeah I don't know either. No follow-up to what happened with that too. Will does quite a bit of wandering and for some reason a streetwalker out and about is Stephanie Beaton. Is Lutz working with Vice? Yeah I am all sorts of confused. Maybe B roll footage to pad the film. Hell I've got no clue.

Oh the hell with Hepburn and Tracy. These two capture the screen.

Lutz and Garner are hot on the case and well is it wrong for me like Stephanie Beaton in these short pencil skirts? Sorry ladies, I am normally behaved but she has amazing legs. Okay moving on, he said holding on to the pathetic shreds of dignity.

So this time around it is not competing warlocks, vampires or witches but we do have ritual killings for the sake of the Egyptian god...well I think it's for Ra as we have his symbol scrawled in blood. Yeah not really clear on that. 1/4 of this movie is sex scenes. Yup suddenly the mildly boobage series has gone straight soft core Skinamax. I mean it's going to happen if you need men to rent this flick. Toss boobs at them and they are happy guys. Plot? Meh, rather have boobs thanks. Apologies, the blood letting is happening for Kafu Hu. Umm that's not a god or demon. That's the name of a long dead pharaoh. Oh my God, he's summoning Hawkman. So the whole Satan plot thing got dropped as well. Yeah I do understand how folks have gotten confused about this series.

Also for some reason Will's body is inhabited by another spirit plowing his girlfriend. Annnd he grew longer hair and a goatee. Since he died. Huh, death is screwy, huh? So a multitude of sex scenes and Will might, just might get back to his body. This of course is assuming Sheila's off the clock. Will and Sheila banter, I think. Well it seems like good natured ribbing but it falls a bit flat.

Lutz and Garner find sacrifices with same Egyptian blood scrawling and it's the strangest thing they've ever encountered. With the exception of a coven of witches and a cadre of vampires prior. They come to the conclusion it's time to find an expert on these Egyptian symbols. Enter Professor Shannon (Katherine Hudson of Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh andMasseuse) who sheds a little light on the case. Which she really didn't. She explains about a cult founded with this pharoah and Satan and bleh! Writer, go back to the source material and then work your own plot but for crying out loud look at the stuff already done.

Sheila tries to convince Garner that she is speaking on the behalf of Will and well she forgot to mention Will's dead, and there are cultists again, hearts being carved out. Basically, EVERYTHING WILL ASKED HER TO DO!!!!

The confusing problem with this film isn't the rewrite back into Will returning from the great beyond is so much as camera angles not matching up, dissolves that don't link to the next scene and frankly I think the editor isn't doing his job. David Byrnes' performance isn't bad but it is damn confusing when the scenes don't mesh. Stephanie's Lutz is trying to genuinely get work done but her captain goes into his office after one scene and smokes. Yup. Cases closed. Hearts cut out from the bodies? Clearly suicide and I can't hear your complaints in flavor country.

She and Robins have some decent scenes but the hack of an editor was either drunk, in Union, on breaks or just flat out incompetent. Hey maybe it wasn't his fault. Regardless the ADR is awful in sex scenes. Dude porn has better ADR than this flick. The plot holes are substantial, a bit of exposition establishes Will lost his house and had to move...after he died. Whoops.

Looks like I am going to have to watch Witchcraft X if I want to actually get to see Stephanie Beaton shine. We'll see if I can find that.

Garner, where you looking at my butt?