Death House

Finally! Sorry, after almost a year I finally have to chance to review this film that has been described as The Expendables of Horror. Yes for you folks my age and a tad younger, you will recognize many a name attached to this. Penned by the late Gunnar Hansen (Leatherface of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) comes a maximum penitentiary gone amok in Death House.

Man, the chicks on Orange is the New Black aren't that hot.

 Felissa Rose herself was telling me about this flick and by God I wanted to watch it since. When Angelia tells you it's gonna be fun, you best be watching this. Writer/director B. Harrison Smith (The Fields, 6 Degrees of Hell, Camp Dread, ZK: Elephant's Graveyard, Death House and Garlic & Gunpowder) brings a myriad of Horror icons of mid 70s to early 80s. Names and faces will pop out at you rather easily.

Our super max prison holding the baddest of the bad is supposed to be modeled after Dante's Inferno, so yes that means levels upon levels. The most vile and despicable are basement dwellers.

Bob Villa's This Old Hell House.

With a detailed inspection underway, this subterranean holding facility keeps the worst of humanity under lock and key for nine levels. Agents Toria Boon (Cortney Palm of Seance: The Summoning, Sushi Girl, The Hit Girl, Alien Rising, Zombeavers, It's Not a Date and Everlasting) and Jae Novak (Cody Longo of Make It or Break It, Piranha 3D, Days of Our Lives, The Silent Thief, For the Love of Money, Nashville and Secrets and Lies) are there to observe the levels and take in the medical and mental health works of Drs. Eileen Fletcher (Dee Wallace of The Hills Have Eyes, The Howling, E.T. The Extra-Terrestial, Cujo, Critters, Troubled Child, The Lords of Salem, Grimm and Just Add Magic) and Karen Redmane (Barbara Crampton of Re-Animator, Chopping Mall, From Beyond, Puppetmaster, Robot Wars, Castle Freak, Guiding Light, The Bold and the Beautiful, The Young and the Restless and You're Next).

Our prison's narrator of the tour cannot be mistaken for anyone other than Adrienne Barbeau and I immediately recognized her voice. 80s kid! Right here!

Farmer Asa (Tony Todd of Night of the Living Dead, Voodoo Dawn, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Candyman, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Wishmaster, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, The Prophecy: Foresaken and Hatchet) takes a young lady to the hill and what I am guessing is near on old mine shaft or bomb shelter. His hand passes through her stomach wall with near supernatural behavior, taking his time with his little flower.

A virtual reality hologram deck allows the doctors to program in the killers' various victims, allowing the killers' scenarios to play out. A gas keeps them mostly docile so they can't be violent and start massacring the guards and staff. Boon escorts Sieg, who she helped snare, a occultist/Neo Nazi (Kane Hodder of Prison, Friday the 13^th Part VII: The New Blood, Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Best of the Best, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Project: Metalbeast, Jason X and DarkWolf) to his own Hell on Earth. Careful kiddies, that Jason Vorhees/Victor Crowley strength could kick in at any time.

Rubber bullets, my ass. Gimme a chain gun!

Meeting up with Captain Galan (Kenny Ray Powell of Promoted, Inspired to Kill, Death House, Garlic & Gunpowder and No More Mr Nice Guy) , Boon gets a request to review her mother's murder and murderer through this VR holodeck and I gotta say...why? Will it give you closure?

Our murderer is none other than Machete? (Danny Trejo of Heat, Desperado, Spy Kids, From Dusk Til Dawn, Machete, Bad Ass, Rise of the Zombies, Sons of Anarchy and Young Justice) Our dead mom, Kristi (Camille Keaton of I Spit on Your Grave, The Concrete Jungle, Savage Vengeance, Chop, The Lords of Salem, Blood River, Cabaret Diabolique and Gterror in the Woods Creek) is clearly the driving force for Boon's dedication.

We come across a Leatherface (Troma veteran Debbie Rochon of Black Easter, Tromeo and Juliet, The Vampire's Seduction, Night of the Living Dead: 30^th Anniversary Edition, Hellblock 13, Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Bikini Bloodbath and Wrath of the Crows) that even Gunnar Hansen would be proud of.

Before I go any further, I would point out there is a ton of graphic gore, people. No lie, this is bloody. So just pointing it out for anyone that may not be able to handle chum buckets full of blood here.

Level 9, the heavily secured can only be observed by holographic system; houses the five evils as they describe. Nazi genetist, Hirace Giger (Bill Thorton of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Silent Night, Deadly Night III: You Better Watch Out, House of 1000 Corpses, Devil's Rejects, Repo: The Genetic Opera, Gotchic Harvest, Cynthia and American Exorcist) who somehow stunted his aging process. Balthoria (Lindsey Hartley of Passions, Days of Our Lives, All My Children, Nightmare Nurse, Smallville and Deadly Exchange), channeling a certain Countess she too is a hemophile and bathes in her victims' blood. Alexi Nela (Vernon Wells of The Road Warrior, Commando, Innerspace, Revamped, The Butcher, Silent Night, Zombie Night, World's End and Like a Bat Outta Hell), Cannibal, Nercromancer connected to the deaths over 700 children that they know of. Crau (Michael Berryman of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Hills Have Eyes, The Barbarians, the Golden Child, The Guyver, The Devil's Rejects, Z Nation, and Hell's Kitty), augmented strength, enhanced intelligence and healing factor. An experimental process created this but drove him crackers. Thile (Vincent M. Ward of True Blood, NCIS, House of Payne, The Walking Dead, Live Evil, Illicit and It's a Date) Satanic occultist known for crucifixion and turning his victims inside out. Blarf.

Uh oh, looks like a Blonde Off.

Novak bumps into an old buddy of his, the Icicle Killer(Sid Haig of Foxy Brown, Savage Sisters, Police Woman, Jason of Star Command, Jackie Brown, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Brotherhood of Blood and Hatchet III) who was responsible for his parents' deaths. Noticing a pattern here. With a guard patrolling he thinks skunks are in the dumpster. Doofus, call in for back up and wait with rifle drawn and safety on.

Well enough of the tour, howzabout a 6 minute shower scene? Because our agents felt they were dirty birdies, I guess. They have no real knowledge of their tats, who they are and golly they are in a prison with behavioral modification and memory implants. Hmm....

Naturally you can't make an omelet without massacring quite a few eggs as derpy dead guard gives the medical term a Joker tummy surprise. Dr. Redmane stays her path that memory erasure and new memory engrams are the most moral things to do with these men and women, making them productive members of society. You'd think this far into a future set up, a de-atomizer would be a concept made machine. Well Timmy, this is the fourth time in 12 years you have been sent to us wearing another man's flesh. Pile of dust for you.

Dayum girl, you even bench?

Movie editing, tight knit writing makes the memories more believable. Enter Bennett (Richard Speight Jr. Of Independence Day, Band of Brothers, Supernatural, Jericho, Justified and Driven) with lovely assistants Dr. Angela Freeman (Felissa Rose of Sleepaway Camp, Nikos the Impaler, Zombiegeddon, Satan's Playground, Return to Sleepaway Camp, Silent Night, Zombie Night, Camp Dread, and Victor Crowley) Dr. Logan Harrison (Laura Compton of Clown Town, Attack of the Killer Donuts, Heroes with Issues, Garlic & Gunpowder and Hell Girl) who delight at re-creating the murders through new, live victims. More specifically the homeless so they can better study the criminals at large if you will, compile that data and create the most comprehensive criminal database. Yup nothing in that sounds really messed up if you say, a soulless congressman, sure. Hack away! Gut them and wear their intestines on your head, ya loopies. It's for the greater good. WTF??!!! 

Still no visit is complete without a visit from the 3 Satans. Yeah, yeah that could be confusing. We got Satan (Sean Whalen of The People Under the Stairs, Twister, The Young and the Restless, Chasing Ghosts, Halloween II, Hatchet III and Ugly Sweater Party), Creator of Satan (Bill Oberst Jr.of 1000 Ways to Die, A Haunting in Salem, Circus of Dread, The Blood Let, Assassins, Hell's Kitty and Welcome to Hell) and lastly the Antichrist, Son of Satan (Bernhard Forcher of August, Supernatural, Freedom, Fury, Grimm, The Man in the High Castle and Counterpart). Still confused? Well...okay not gonna lie. Pretty sure they are all loopy including the staff of doctors. I did spot a couple of my favorite scream queens, Brinke Stevens and Tiffany Shepis in the back.

With an EMP device the size of a frag grenade, the power's down and back-ups are not kicking in. The monsters are out of their boxes, kids. Play time!

With the doomsday scenario set, the prison is rigged for poison gas dispersal and any staff or personnel left behind, well they aren't getting to enjoy retirement.

What we have is a society demanding order and structure but completely violating the very rights this country stands for in order to create such harmony. To willingly place people in harm's way for the sake of more data gathered and they still have the audacity to call the murderers, monsters.

This is very much operating at the level of slasher horror and action film. The zoo has sprung and folks are coming out to spill gallons of blood.

For me, I was simply enjoying the who's who, decent story, substantial budget for a Horror film of this genre. You got crowd fights, falls off railings to level drops. Up close into the psychopath and sociopath mind. For the slasher buffs, oh yeah it has it. And yes, it has nudity. Almost always the same fricking question I am asked in this genre.

At 75 minutes we have fair dialogue and simple story with intense scenes, blood and bits caking the walls, I swear I am having Epinions.com flashbacks when I was stuck only writing about horror for them. So many film references. Pretty sure Yan Birch of The People Under the Stairs (Stairmaster) was Dr. Phibes so yeah there is a lot of inside jokes but no good humor here, folks. Just gore, some T&A and a substantial body count.

Trapped in a shaft and haven't had lunch. Cannibalism yet?

Jim Wynorski Week: Vampire in Vegas

Howdy all. I'm back with even more rations of Wynorski films. On today's schedule you will all be transported to Sin City itself, the land of glitz, glimmer, glam and gambling. Where the house always wins and the suckers should have folded.  Don't worry, we won't have to deal with the likes of Bugsy Segal. No instead howzabout a 300 year old vampire calling out that same old tune, "Baby Why Can't I See the Sun." You know this old chestnut, when mysticism and alchemy have failed, it's time for science. This is Vampire in Vegas.

Hate the DMV.  They are so slow.

 I also love the alternative title for the French distribution, Dark Evil. A lot of thought was poured into that one. That's like naming one of the Friday the 13^th sequels, Sharp Stabby. Moving along, we hear the narrative of that spine tingling baritone voice that can be mistaken for the Grim Reaper, Tony Todd (Platoon, Candyman, Minotaur, Hatchet, Nite Tales: The Movie, The Thirst: Blood War, Hatchet II, 24, Marvel Super Hero Squad Online, Chuck and Jack the Reaper) is Sylvian, a 300 year old vampire that once roamed the lands with a nomadic tribe of vampires called the Xandars...possibly Xandau but who can say?   He grows tired of the one major drawback to vampirism which is, never seeing the sun. He's a lone wolf and kills on his own but only because his tribe was wiped out by the ancient Hungarian armies. Puts a real damper on your evenings. Why doesn't he just make his own scourge (group of vampires, also called a kiss or coven) and bring his own clan to reek havoc on the humans? Yeah not really his bag.Yet.

He seeks out a biochemist Dr. VanHelm (Delia Sheppard of Witchcraft II: The Temptress, Young Rebels, Sexbomb, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Haunting Fear, Rocky V, Roots of Evil and Animal Instincts) to do what he cannot, which is to make him immune to sunlight so he may once again lead more than a half-life. A couple camping out in the desert (are safe from Jason Vorhees because they are nowhere near Camp Crystal Lake, fake New York or space) hear screaming in the day for night shots, get out of their tent to Scooby investigate to see three women bound and burning at the stake. They do the smart thing and call it in to the cops. Sylvian grows weary of these failed experiments and tired of using his newly made children as guinea pigs for this botched attempt give him power to withstand the sun. An ultimatum is given to Dr. VanHelm of three days to fix the mistake or their working relationship is null and void.

Ugh hurry up.  Gettin ze boobie burn.

Now how about a tepid sex scene? The R&B was enjoyable though. Jason (Edward Spivak of The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman, Vampire in Vegas, Slacker P.I., The Art of War III: Retribution and A Hero's Unsung Dignity)and Rachel (Soyna Joy Sims of Camp Blood 2, Trauco's Daughter, English For All, Reflections of Evil, Gilmore Girls and A Coat of Snow) are newly engaged, set for the nuptials as Jason goes out for one more time of "freedom" via bachelor party weekend. Yup, his boys can't stand to see him whipped i.e.happy with the girl in his life.

City Slickers 3: Vegas or Bust.

Detective O' Hara (GiGi Erneta of She's No Angel, Burning Desires, Project Viper, Cheerleader Massacre, The Insatiable, Dusk and Vampire in Vegas) and Detective Stanton (Ted Monte of Silence of the Lambs, Treasure Hunt, The Curse of the Komodo, Glass Trap, Komodo vs. Cobra, Solar Flare, Turbulent Skies and Super Shark) are on the case of three crispy cuties and things seem a little weird. Will Jason get Rachel?? Will Sylvian touch daylight?? Will I stop this bat-tastic gag??

A few comments. Forensic lingo aside, the take on the crime scene wasn't bad, although everyone should have been wearing their little booties and find some way to block the wind on evidence.

They put that lovely Melissa Brasselle in a blonde wig.  Shame on the lot of you. On that note, I really didn't complain about the slutty outfit so back to being a pig apparently. The scenes with solid bodies and augmented chests are surprisingly no nudity. Seemed a tad odd to do that for a strip club scene but I am not in charge and maybe they were going for a wider audience as the swearing isn't anything you wouldn't be stunned with. Todd looks like he is having too much fun this time under the fangs and is a bit silly in his role. Also you will absolutely love the vampire expert/weaponeer/mechanic. The dude's delivery is so damn funny as he is serious brandishing different wooden stakes, telling the best penetration, his garlic syrup gag and even some pump action water guns naturally fitted with holy water.

Spotted Paul Logan again so that is three Wynorski films I have seen him now and Roger Corman and Jim Wynorski regular Jeff Rector. By the by, watch Jeff Rector's Revamped and see how many people you recognize in it. It will crack you up.

Well she clearly does crunches.

Fusion of Film: Candyman

Welcome back to Day 3 of Fusion of Film. This time around let's take a peek at the genre known as Horror. Yes I was feeling a bit whimsy today. We partake of a film in 1992 that is based on urban legends and a figure caked in the blood and whispered as a vengeanceful spirit that did horrible things for the fact of his own tormented soul. This is Candyman.

Y'know...my brother made Evil Dead.

Our story follows a graduate student Helen Lyle (Virginia Madsen of Highlander II: The Quickening, Love Kills, Blue Tiger, The Prophecy, Frasier, American Dreams and Justice League) does research on various urban legends. After extensive study she came across a local legend of a man known as Candyman. The story says Candyman can be brought forth by saying his name five times while looking directly in a mirror but the story ends with whomever summons him will feel death with his hook hand. Similiar to the Bloody Mary story.

Helen and her skeptical friend Bernadette (Kasi Lemmons of Another World,Vampire's Kiss, Silence of the Lambs, Hard Target and Disconnect) decide to invoke Candyman's spirit with both of them calling Candyman out and...nothing seemed to happen. Further poking around Helen finds out that Candyman was the son of a slave, whose dad became well-to-do after creating a system of mass-producing shoes during the Civil War. Candyman (Tony Todd of was raised with privilege and became an artist and was so well known for his works that he had a waiting list for him to create portraits. But life became difficult falling in love with a white woman who he knocked up. Spurned by this woman, her former lover made up a lynch mob to cut Candyman's painting hand off, smeared his face with honey leaving him to the bees. AHH THE BEES!!!!

Candyman's foreplay gets a bit rough.

In this crime-ridden Cabrini-Green via Chicago claim the horrors about this area is all Candyman's doing, shedding blood of the innocent. Yet again ignoring all those that were superstitious and fearful, they warn Helen over and over again that she has released the evil into the world and know what can happen. Husband Trevor (Xander Berkeley of Apollo 13, Leaving Las Vegas, Heat, Bulletproof, Air Force One, Gattaca, Shanghai Noon and The Mentalist) warns Helen that this has gone a bit far as she and Bernadette went to Cabrini-Green to pursue a story of a child that was castrated in a public bathroom alledgedly linked it to Candyman. Checking out the ran-down bathroom a gang member attacks Helen with a hook claiming to be Candyman for his street cred. Helen gets away and sicks the cops on the child killer.

Candyman appears to Helen saying her talk of him being just a legend and he is obligated to prove his existence. Helen wakes up in Anne-Marie's (Vanessa Williams of New Jack City, Melrose Place, Candyman and Soul Food) apartment spattered in blood with a dead dog and Anne's baby is missing. Anne-Marie jumps Helen thinking she did this and Helen fights back when thankfully the cops take Helen away.

Trevor bails Helen out of the hoosegow and Candyman stalks her down, slashing her enough to cause blood to flow and make her pass out only to wake and see Bernadette dead. Off to the rubber room for a month because... well Helen cannot be trusted clearly. I mean look what she has done already.

Will Candyman cut a bloody swath through Helen's life? Can she stop him? Will he take everything she loves away?

A few notes on the film now:

Using practical effects the bees used in the movie were bred for the movie, they were only 12 hours old so they looked large enough to be mature bees but no stingers were able to do real damage.

Eddie Murphy was considered for the role of Candyman but it was Tony Todd's gravelly voice and 6'5" height that impressed the director for the title role. Virginia Madsen is allergic to bees, so an ambulance was always on set while filming the bee scenes. Composer Philip Glass was asked to create the score and give the movie a Gothic feel with chorus and pipe organ. He was less than thrilled that the movie was a low budget slasher flick. Can't please everyone I suppose.

Oh yes, I am the title role.