Rob Zombie's Halloween

Howdy again, Realm of Rotten Readers. I'm begging you guys to come up with something more catchy. It is just not happening for me. Okay, today on the docket has been a fan request for some time. 

 Initially I wasn't interested because I am touchy about remakes but I have been a fan of the man's writing/music and directing so let's see if the unrated version is a bit more intriguing. For some of you that asked me to NOT review this, tough. If you this does not capture your attention, I am more than certain there are other blogs out there. This is Rob Zombie's Halloween.

 

You're my only Kirk, Mr. Shatner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, yes I know Carpenter fans. I am fully aware many of you booed and hissed your way through this flick. I get it. It was not your cup of tea. Let us set aside these issues before I have Malcolm McDowell Cameo the hell out of your social media! I mean, if I can afford that.

We hearken back to the days of young Michael Myers (Daeg Faerch of Dark Mirror, Halloween, Hancock, Run! Bitch Run!, Sebastian, Ditch Party and Killer Therapy) may have a few personality quirks...in the same way Attila the Hun may have had an thriving outdoors-man lifestyle.

The thing is...Zombie's idea was to step away from Carpenter's "Pure Evil" storyline because he wanted his own spin of the flick. Obviously he is a fan of the original but he didn't want to rely heavily on the existing formula. So he gave Michael a bad childhood. A bully big sister, a mother that moonlights as a stripper, a baby sister, an abusive stepfather (No not Terry o' Quinn) and he's constantly berated at school by bullies. Slowly this starts to warp the lad and the next thing you know, he's onto computer games, comic books and RPGs. Oh no, wait. He starts murdering the neighborhood pets. Some sort of catharsis strangling a cat or three. 

 

Another Craigslist Causal Encounters comes to a close.

 

 

 

 

 

 

His mother Deborah (Sherri Moon Zombie of House of 1000 Corpses, Toolbox Murders, The Devil's Rejects, Halloween, Californication, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto and The Lords of Salem) has been made aware of the strange goings on of her little boy, but it doesn't seem to register that she is raising a sociopath.  THE KID HAD A DEAD CAT IN HIS BOOK BAG!!!  How many warning sirens and klaxons you need to go off, lady?  Sheesh!  But Dopey Deborah just puts the whole scenario down as boys being boys.   WTF??!!! 

 

Just payin' for college. Honest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Abusive stepdad Ronnie (William Forsythe of Raising Arizona, Out For Justice, Dick Tracy, Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead, Virtuosity, The Rock, Boardwalk Empire, The Mob Doctor, and The Witching Hour) is a drunk, unemployed and generally worthless. CHARACTER!

Mikey decides he's grows weary of bully beatings and catches up with one of the boys beating him repeatedly with a thick tree branch. I mean we hear the meaty thunks and the bully boy crying his eyes out. Should have popped him in the mouth, son. Would have been more mumbles than screams. It does sound pathetic as you begin to realize his parents are probably wondering why he's not back from school yet.

Oh quick note, isn't it funny that Charles Lee Ray(Brad Dourif of Child's Play) and Alex DeLarge (Malcolm McDowell of A Clockwork Orange) are pairing up to stop a serial killer?  Yeah it's food for thought, right?

Like a CGI crocodile, Michael's on a rampage as he gives Ronnie and Judith the business end of the murder tools. Also I really couldn't muster any sympathy for Ronnie and Judith, both were kind of awful. Maybe turning them into frickin' kabobs was a bit much, but I couldn't say.

40 minutes of the film is spent showing us Michael going down the rabbit hole to full blown loony tunes. The scenes with Young Michael (Daeg) and Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell of A Clockwork Orange, Time After Time, Caligula, Cat People, Class of 1999, Tank Girl, Star Trek: Generations, Wing Commander, Wing Commander Academy, God of War III and Suing the Devil) establishing the rapport the boy has for his doctor as this is ultimately the only real father figure he has ever had. Loomis tries to avoid becoming attached and remain clinical but he cannot help but allow his heart to go out to one so young and lost. Granted, telling this kid that his wife has up and left as well as, most of his friends because he cannot seem to get past Michael's issues seems a tad unprofessional.

Okay the biggest complaint about this film has been that everyone working in the wacko basket is either rude, heartless or has a rape-like tendency. Seems like there were no personality screening at this nut house.

17 years institutionalized at the institute and Michael makes his move. Funny how he's as big as Tyler Mane from X-Men. Previous Michaels had suffered enough from stunt injuries. 2007? Couldn't have gotten Kane Hodder? Sure he wouldn't be playing Voorhees but I bet he could have made a fun spin on Myers. 

 

O.M.G. We're adorbs!

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever happened to Baby Boo? Well she's now Laurie Strode (Scout-Taylor Compton of Charmed, Wicked Little Things, Halloween, April Fool's Day, The Runaways, Nashville, Feral, The Lurker and Eternal Code) and thankfully she has 80s Mom badass herself, Dee Wallace! By God if there's a critter, rabid St. Bernard or pack of werewolves, Dee's got this in the bag! 

Accompanying Laurie is Annie Brackett (Halloween alumni Danielle Harris of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, The Last Boy Scout, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, Roseanne, Left for Dead, Hatchet II, Stake Land, Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2, Hatchet III and Camp Dread) and Lynda (Kristina Klebe of Zone of the Dead, Criminal Minds, 6 Month Rule, Alter Egos, The Kiss of a Killer, Proxy, Friday the 13^th: The Game and Slay Belles)

For those not following; I will give you the heads up. Yes, there is nudity. Yes there is elaborate gore and yes there is some dialogue that will make you cringe. IT'S A SLASHER FLICK! This did not RUIN the Halloween franchise. Those precious gobbets of Horror are still out there. The original film didn't suddenly burst into flames or was written out of the spacetime contiuum.

Seriously, with the "Thorn" trilogy of Jamie, to the H20 reboot claiming 1 and 2 were the only cannon, and then the 8^th stink nugget Resurrection? Yes, clearly it was Rob Zombie's foul deeds that would ever made this garbled storyline awful. Busta Rhymes killing Michael. The hell, man?

Is this for every Halloween fan? Maybe not. While there are more orchestrated death scenes, it really feels like Zombie was doing the gore grab bag to see what looked nastier on film. Did it make money? Yes! With a budget of 15 million estimated the US Gross alone was over $58 million. Hell, opening weekend was $26 million right there.

Chronology is the biggest gripe for a lot of the critics. Most of the vehicles, music and clothing look like the late 70s, so this could simply be a nod to the original, however as the 17 years have passed, clothing styles, cars and cell phones are making their way so now it looks like the 2000s. I don't know. Hell my only real beef is an insane asylum would have metal forks around a bunch of nutter butters. You know, that whole fear that one of the inmates could use it to attack hospital staff or fellow inmates. That being said, I now want to see a graphic death scene with a spork. Am I alone on this? Huh? HUH?! 

 

With talented character actors like Bill Mosely, Ken Foree, Danny Trejo, Richard Lynch, Clint Howard, Udo Kier, Sybil Danning and Leslie Easterbrook, it is damn hard to say who I am most happy to see in a flick. Now yes, I do admit to enjoying "The Boogeyman" legend of Michael Myers and Donald Pleasence as the voice of the conscience but AGAIN, Rob wanted to do his own story. It is my firm belief if he did the exact carbon copy of Halloween; there would be even more internet troll bitch fights. Win or lose, Zombie has product, an opening, a middle and an ending. That folks, is called a movie. Whether you were expecting me to crucify it or not, I am just looking at it from my point of view and nothing more.

 

Hang on. I have my script notes here.

 

Red Christmas

Happy Holidays, folks! Be it Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Wookie Life Day; people are out and about doing their shopping and making cards. So naturally we have to get in on a Christmas slasher flick. You were expecting Frank Capra perhaps? So we have have a widow and her slightly estranged family are all gathered to a remote estate for Christmas Eve. So of course there's a killer roaming about. This is Red Christmas.

Well the hills do have eyes but they have cataracts.

Filmed in Australia, our favorite 80s horror/sci-fi mom is back! Diane (Dee Wallace of The Hills Have Eyes, The Howling, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, Cujo and Critters) gathers her squabbling family up to her home and boy doesn't that sound fun? Like trying to shave public hair with a chainsaw kind of fun.

Our Mouseketeers are all set for a Christmas Eve as they bitch, whine and complain to the levels I am praying a man nuttier than squirrel poop deals them all in. Minus Dee of course. Love this woman. Let's meet the family shall we? Yes this will be as warm and cozy as a flaming straight jacket. 

I SLIPPED!

There's boozy, quite pregnant daughter Ginny (Janis McGavin of Comedy Inc., The Mansion, The Urban Monkey, The Elegant Gentleman's Guide to Knife Fighting and Red Christmas) and her baby daddy Scott (Bjorn Stewart of Black Comedy, Red Christmas, True Murder, Chasing Comets, A Chance Affair, KGB and Spread the Word), Diane's cold-blooded and child barren sister Suzy (Sarah Bishop of Skit Box, The Great Gatsby, BedHead, In a Woman's World, Crushed, Red Christmas and Find Your Voice), her born again, pervy Preacher husband Peter(David Collins of You Can't Stop the Murders, All Saints,Me & My Monsters, Maya the Bee Movie,Oh Yuck!, The Umbilical Brothers: Not Suitable for Children and True Murder), Diane's idiot, spliff smoking, hillbilly bearded brother Joe (Geoff Morrell of Murder Call, Grass Roots, Rogue, Cloudstreet, Top of the Lake, Nippers of Dead Birdy Bay and Harrow) and Diane's son with down syndrome who constantly quotes Shakespeare, Jerry (Gerard O' Dwyer of Be My Brother, Heartbreak & Beauty, Red Christ, Kairos, Little Monsters and Way Out Assistance).

This shindig should go down quicker than a lead balloon. The festivities are interrupted due to a pounding at the door. Looking outside to find a deformed man, Cletus holding a letter addressed to Mother. Diane invites the man in with some degree of hesitancy, allowing him to warm his bones.

Diane gives the letter a gander, refutes these accusations and shuns Cletus (Sam Campbell of Dirty Bird, Johnny Beretta, The Tail Job, Red Christmas, Bin Chickens, Small Town Hackers, Fresh Blood Pilot Season) from her doorstep and denies anything to do with him. With a bit of rambling and grumbling the family calms down. Yeah this didn't chuck a live grenade in the room at all.

Well it goes the stereotypical route as these slashers go. An assortment of elaborate weapons used to dispatch the family with ease. Yeah to go into greater detail will technically spoil the movie.

Let's get that damn squirrel!

Our mood music is fair, the cast is decent, the story is drek and filled with the tropes of old. We have a typical villain done wrong so will have bloody revenge story arc that holds no new surprises. There was a bear trap death that was interesting at best and mildly bloody. I think this may have been a TV movie in Australia. The POV shots were giving me a headache, so photophobic folks should skip it. You all may want to skip this.

If you're bored and found nothing else to watch, have at this movie. If you need background noise while doing the dishes or washing the floor, hey this movie exists. If you wanted a potential thriller horror mystery, this is definitely...not the movie to watch. Dee Wallace was honestly the only shining beacon in this hackneyed attempt to scare me. You guessed it, jump scares. And no male readers that ask me this too often, no titty. While I did not consider this a good horror movie, at least it wasn't the 2006 Black Christmas.

Consequences of sex? Who knew.

Death House

Finally! Sorry, after almost a year I finally have to chance to review this film that has been described as The Expendables of Horror. Yes for you folks my age and a tad younger, you will recognize many a name attached to this. Penned by the late Gunnar Hansen (Leatherface of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) comes a maximum penitentiary gone amok in Death House.

Man, the chicks on Orange is the New Black aren't that hot.

 Felissa Rose herself was telling me about this flick and by God I wanted to watch it since. When Angelia tells you it's gonna be fun, you best be watching this. Writer/director B. Harrison Smith (The Fields, 6 Degrees of Hell, Camp Dread, ZK: Elephant's Graveyard, Death House and Garlic & Gunpowder) brings a myriad of Horror icons of mid 70s to early 80s. Names and faces will pop out at you rather easily.

Our super max prison holding the baddest of the bad is supposed to be modeled after Dante's Inferno, so yes that means levels upon levels. The most vile and despicable are basement dwellers.

Bob Villa's This Old Hell House.

With a detailed inspection underway, this subterranean holding facility keeps the worst of humanity under lock and key for nine levels. Agents Toria Boon (Cortney Palm of Seance: The Summoning, Sushi Girl, The Hit Girl, Alien Rising, Zombeavers, It's Not a Date and Everlasting) and Jae Novak (Cody Longo of Make It or Break It, Piranha 3D, Days of Our Lives, The Silent Thief, For the Love of Money, Nashville and Secrets and Lies) are there to observe the levels and take in the medical and mental health works of Drs. Eileen Fletcher (Dee Wallace of The Hills Have Eyes, The Howling, E.T. The Extra-Terrestial, Cujo, Critters, Troubled Child, The Lords of Salem, Grimm and Just Add Magic) and Karen Redmane (Barbara Crampton of Re-Animator, Chopping Mall, From Beyond, Puppetmaster, Robot Wars, Castle Freak, Guiding Light, The Bold and the Beautiful, The Young and the Restless and You're Next).

Our prison's narrator of the tour cannot be mistaken for anyone other than Adrienne Barbeau and I immediately recognized her voice. 80s kid! Right here!

Farmer Asa (Tony Todd of Night of the Living Dead, Voodoo Dawn, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Candyman, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Wishmaster, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, The Prophecy: Foresaken and Hatchet) takes a young lady to the hill and what I am guessing is near on old mine shaft or bomb shelter. His hand passes through her stomach wall with near supernatural behavior, taking his time with his little flower.

A virtual reality hologram deck allows the doctors to program in the killers' various victims, allowing the killers' scenarios to play out. A gas keeps them mostly docile so they can't be violent and start massacring the guards and staff. Boon escorts Sieg, who she helped snare, a occultist/Neo Nazi (Kane Hodder of Prison, Friday the 13^th Part VII: The New Blood, Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Best of the Best, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Project: Metalbeast, Jason X and DarkWolf) to his own Hell on Earth. Careful kiddies, that Jason Vorhees/Victor Crowley strength could kick in at any time.

Rubber bullets, my ass. Gimme a chain gun!

Meeting up with Captain Galan (Kenny Ray Powell of Promoted, Inspired to Kill, Death House, Garlic & Gunpowder and No More Mr Nice Guy) , Boon gets a request to review her mother's murder and murderer through this VR holodeck and I gotta say...why? Will it give you closure?

Our murderer is none other than Machete? (Danny Trejo of Heat, Desperado, Spy Kids, From Dusk Til Dawn, Machete, Bad Ass, Rise of the Zombies, Sons of Anarchy and Young Justice) Our dead mom, Kristi (Camille Keaton of I Spit on Your Grave, The Concrete Jungle, Savage Vengeance, Chop, The Lords of Salem, Blood River, Cabaret Diabolique and Gterror in the Woods Creek) is clearly the driving force for Boon's dedication.

We come across a Leatherface (Troma veteran Debbie Rochon of Black Easter, Tromeo and Juliet, The Vampire's Seduction, Night of the Living Dead: 30^th Anniversary Edition, Hellblock 13, Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Bikini Bloodbath and Wrath of the Crows) that even Gunnar Hansen would be proud of.

Before I go any further, I would point out there is a ton of graphic gore, people. No lie, this is bloody. So just pointing it out for anyone that may not be able to handle chum buckets full of blood here.

Level 9, the heavily secured can only be observed by holographic system; houses the five evils as they describe. Nazi genetist, Hirace Giger (Bill Thorton of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Silent Night, Deadly Night III: You Better Watch Out, House of 1000 Corpses, Devil's Rejects, Repo: The Genetic Opera, Gotchic Harvest, Cynthia and American Exorcist) who somehow stunted his aging process. Balthoria (Lindsey Hartley of Passions, Days of Our Lives, All My Children, Nightmare Nurse, Smallville and Deadly Exchange), channeling a certain Countess she too is a hemophile and bathes in her victims' blood. Alexi Nela (Vernon Wells of The Road Warrior, Commando, Innerspace, Revamped, The Butcher, Silent Night, Zombie Night, World's End and Like a Bat Outta Hell), Cannibal, Nercromancer connected to the deaths over 700 children that they know of. Crau (Michael Berryman of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Hills Have Eyes, The Barbarians, the Golden Child, The Guyver, The Devil's Rejects, Z Nation, and Hell's Kitty), augmented strength, enhanced intelligence and healing factor. An experimental process created this but drove him crackers. Thile (Vincent M. Ward of True Blood, NCIS, House of Payne, The Walking Dead, Live Evil, Illicit and It's a Date) Satanic occultist known for crucifixion and turning his victims inside out. Blarf.

Uh oh, looks like a Blonde Off.

Novak bumps into an old buddy of his, the Icicle Killer(Sid Haig of Foxy Brown, Savage Sisters, Police Woman, Jason of Star Command, Jackie Brown, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Brotherhood of Blood and Hatchet III) who was responsible for his parents' deaths. Noticing a pattern here. With a guard patrolling he thinks skunks are in the dumpster. Doofus, call in for back up and wait with rifle drawn and safety on.

Well enough of the tour, howzabout a 6 minute shower scene? Because our agents felt they were dirty birdies, I guess. They have no real knowledge of their tats, who they are and golly they are in a prison with behavioral modification and memory implants. Hmm....

Naturally you can't make an omelet without massacring quite a few eggs as derpy dead guard gives the medical term a Joker tummy surprise. Dr. Redmane stays her path that memory erasure and new memory engrams are the most moral things to do with these men and women, making them productive members of society. You'd think this far into a future set up, a de-atomizer would be a concept made machine. Well Timmy, this is the fourth time in 12 years you have been sent to us wearing another man's flesh. Pile of dust for you.

Dayum girl, you even bench?

Movie editing, tight knit writing makes the memories more believable. Enter Bennett (Richard Speight Jr. Of Independence Day, Band of Brothers, Supernatural, Jericho, Justified and Driven) with lovely assistants Dr. Angela Freeman (Felissa Rose of Sleepaway Camp, Nikos the Impaler, Zombiegeddon, Satan's Playground, Return to Sleepaway Camp, Silent Night, Zombie Night, Camp Dread, and Victor Crowley) Dr. Logan Harrison (Laura Compton of Clown Town, Attack of the Killer Donuts, Heroes with Issues, Garlic & Gunpowder and Hell Girl) who delight at re-creating the murders through new, live victims. More specifically the homeless so they can better study the criminals at large if you will, compile that data and create the most comprehensive criminal database. Yup nothing in that sounds really messed up if you say, a soulless congressman, sure. Hack away! Gut them and wear their intestines on your head, ya loopies. It's for the greater good. WTF??!!! 

Still no visit is complete without a visit from the 3 Satans. Yeah, yeah that could be confusing. We got Satan (Sean Whalen of The People Under the Stairs, Twister, The Young and the Restless, Chasing Ghosts, Halloween II, Hatchet III and Ugly Sweater Party), Creator of Satan (Bill Oberst Jr.of 1000 Ways to Die, A Haunting in Salem, Circus of Dread, The Blood Let, Assassins, Hell's Kitty and Welcome to Hell) and lastly the Antichrist, Son of Satan (Bernhard Forcher of August, Supernatural, Freedom, Fury, Grimm, The Man in the High Castle and Counterpart). Still confused? Well...okay not gonna lie. Pretty sure they are all loopy including the staff of doctors. I did spot a couple of my favorite scream queens, Brinke Stevens and Tiffany Shepis in the back.

With an EMP device the size of a frag grenade, the power's down and back-ups are not kicking in. The monsters are out of their boxes, kids. Play time!

With the doomsday scenario set, the prison is rigged for poison gas dispersal and any staff or personnel left behind, well they aren't getting to enjoy retirement.

What we have is a society demanding order and structure but completely violating the very rights this country stands for in order to create such harmony. To willingly place people in harm's way for the sake of more data gathered and they still have the audacity to call the murderers, monsters.

This is very much operating at the level of slasher horror and action film. The zoo has sprung and folks are coming out to spill gallons of blood.

For me, I was simply enjoying the who's who, decent story, substantial budget for a Horror film of this genre. You got crowd fights, falls off railings to level drops. Up close into the psychopath and sociopath mind. For the slasher buffs, oh yeah it has it. And yes, it has nudity. Almost always the same fricking question I am asked in this genre.

At 75 minutes we have fair dialogue and simple story with intense scenes, blood and bits caking the walls, I swear I am having Epinions.com flashbacks when I was stuck only writing about horror for them. So many film references. Pretty sure Yan Birch of The People Under the Stairs (Stairmaster) was Dr. Phibes so yeah there is a lot of inside jokes but no good humor here, folks. Just gore, some T&A and a substantial body count.

Trapped in a shaft and haven't had lunch. Cannibalism yet?