Welcome readers of Rotten Reelz
Reviews! The year is at its end and we begin anew! I am hoping to
continue producing more reviews that capture your attention but I
need help from you all. Feel free to drop a line, comment or
message on RottenReelzReviews or RottenReelz
to give some suggestions for TV, video games and movies. I will
forge ahead bringing the weeks ahead with something entertaining as
always.
This is surprisingly good for my back.
Rotten Ramblin' On will endure to
improve the topics as we have been. Thankfully we have decent mics
to make the show clearer, we are leaving suggestions open for what
you want to hear so give Shawn and I a heads up on what you feel is
topical. Again we can be contacted at:Rotten Ramblin' On
and you can check out our Youtube page for the podcast itself at: Rotten Ramblin' On Podcast
so feel free to give it a listen, a like and some love by sharing it.
Merry Christmas to all and hope we have
a good New Year!
Merry Christmas from Rotten Reelz Reviews and the Doctors!
Hello there gentle readers. I have not deserted anyone but I will be off for the holidays at my folks' humble abode. I will resume writing next week and catch us up for TV, Movies and Video Games. This upcoming year we are expecting some changes for Rotten Reelz Reviews.
Guess he was naughty.
My colleague Shawn and I will be starting our podcast Rotten Rambling On. We will tackle many of the same things that is already written and we hope to entertain, inform and insight some feedback.
I would greatly appreciate input on films and TV that hasn't been covered yet. Feel free to leave a comment, suggestion or complaint on the current standing and I will see about doing better.
Also feel free to chuck a like or comment at the FB page . It needs some love and I am trying to get some attention to it.
Merry Christmas everyone and let's hope for a fun new year!!!
Well after four days of waiting to see
if ANYONE had any viewing suggestions, I received one suggestion.
That's right, one suggestion. Suffice it to say this will not occur
again for a great while when I ask if ANYONE reading this blog had a
film suggestion. So to get out of this funk my girlfriend and I sat
through a few holiday themed movies such as: Frosty the Snowman,
Frosty Returns and the original Chuck Jones animated and wonderfully
narrated by Boris Karloff How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Feeling
much better after some Christmas delight, we snapped on the next film
that should... offend all of Ireland and its descendants. This
portrayal of all things Irish needs be stricken from my mind. Since
this is most unlikely I feel the need to share it with you good
folks. This is Leprechaun's Christmas Gold.
I'm telling ya Phil, Hobbits get the plum roles in sci-fi fantasy.
Brought to us by Rankin/Bass (Rudolph
the Red-Nosed Reindeer, The Little Drummer Boy, Santa Claus is Comin'
to Town and The Year Without a Santa Claus) one would
conclude this bright little stop animation we are about to view would
be delightful and whimsical and your conclusions would be wrong.
Our story opens with narration of a charming voice near and dear to
any Honeymooners' fan (Art Carney of The Honeymooners, The
Jackie Gleason Show, Harry and Tonto, Death Scream, Going in Style,
Defiance, Better Late Than Never and Firestarter) of a young
cabin boy name of Dinty Doyle who clumsily lands on an island
inhabited by leprechauns and their accents are less guanine that
Jennifer Aniston's nose after Leprechaun. He plucks up a tree that
releases a thousand year old Banshee name of Old Mag the Hag who
vows to claim the Leprechauns' gold before Christmas day and keep it
for herself. Naturally the leprechauns are terrified of this
ancient evil released once more to reek havoc on their shores
again... through a jaunty tune. Head of the miner clan Blarney
Kilakilarney (Art Carney) tells oafish boy Dinty the
tale of the Banshee and how she attempted to steal it in the first
place.
AH! Cher without botox!!!
The miner clan are no fools and nary
fall for such malarkey as they shoo and shun the banshee away but
those pudding head shoemaker clan are thicker than the soles of the
shoes they make and agree to that gold is the root of all evil.
Blarney knows it to be trap and refuses to offer the gold up. Can
the leprechauns put the banshee in her place? Will the gold be safe?
Will Dinty be vivisected and left, strapped to a cross as a warning
to all others that dare tread on a leprechaun's domain?
A few nitpicks on the film now. No
research was done for any Irish folklore at all. Banshees apparently
are made of tears and can take different shapes... to con leprechauns
out of gold. Considering every legend of banshee I am aware of
they are omens of death and spirit manifestations of fairy that wash
the bloodstained clothes and armor of those that are to die. Nope,
turns out they are full of tears. Just a Randy Newman heart touching
song away from the snivels.
The direct correlation to Christmas and
mythic creatures of fae seems a tad odd to me and Carney and Faye
(Peggy Cass of The Marrying Kind, Gidget Goes Hawaiian, The
Hathaways and Age of Consent) is really the talented voice
work in the bunch. Old Mag's (Christine Mitchell of The
Leprechauns' Christmas Gold and Christie Malry's Own Double-Entry)
is so irritating it sounds like Mariah Carey, nails on a chalkboard
and Fran Drescher's Nanny laugh all rolled into one auditory
nightmare guaranteed to cause hemmoraging. Rather than showing
charity during Christmas, Blarney hoards the gold from the banshee
causing her to melt away only after they bamboozle her and trap her
away. Yeah, bait and switch during a Christmas show. Not one of
Rankin/Bass better specials.
As previously mentioned in last Friday's review I would like some audience participation on the Christmas movie collection. Be advised I will NOT sit through Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life. Seriously, I cannot stand that flick anymore. Too many mandatory viewings has put me off enjoying it EVER AGAIN. Aside from that one film, the sky is the limit. Just shoot me a message on either the FB page, Twitter or oddly enough leave a message on this blog for what 5 films you feel I should endure, observe and report back on.
Mother Superior thinks back how she may have lost this one.
Keep in mind the only Silent Night, Deadly Night films I have not reviewed on here are Parts 2 and 5, so there. Any bit of luck I will find that of which is requested and get right on it. So go crazy for the holly jolly holiday!
Greetings and hello, gentle readers.
This marks Day 5 of Horror for the Holidays and yes it has been a
difficult ride with some of the more graphic depictions of violence
but that was my own undoing. Next week, I am taking some Christmas
movie requests so start churning those in. This time around we have
yet another Christmas Eve story arc but of the more disturbing The
Hills Have Eyes vibe with a hint of slasher with fairly well rounded
characters. Will it be holly and jolly or simply feel like a present
ready to be returned to the store for automatic refund? This is P2.
Blackheart from Ghost Rider??!! RUN GIRL!!!
From the view of director Franck
Khalfoun (Wrong Turn at Tahoe, Maniac remake and i-Lived)
comes a story of a young girl Angela Bridges (Rachel Nichols of
The Woods, Alias, Resurrecting the Champ, Star Trek and Conan the
Barbarian remake), a rising up and comer working in a
downtown Manhattan office (which looked a bit too much like
Toronto) and is stuck working later than she likes and
missing her parents' Christmas party. After the cliche call to the
folks and making her vow to get there she heads down the parking
garage level 2 where she finds her car is dead in the water. Could
be the battery, the alternator or a convenient plot device, Angela is
stumped for what to do. Trusty security guard Thomas (Wes
Bentley of American Beauty, Soul Survivors, Ghost Rider, The Ungodly,
The Tomb, Jonah Hex and Rites of Passage) finds her in
distraught and offers her the chance to spend Christmas with him.
Barely knowing the guy and getting the creeper creeper creeper
sensation, she declines and calls for a cab while waiting up in the
lobby. Discovering the lobby door is locked and her taxi has
already pulled up she rushes back down to P2 to get out through the
stairs and street exit when the lights shut off plunging her into
darkness. Armed with only her cellphone as a source of light Angela
is grabbed and drugged with chloroform... fade to black.
Oh, I just hate working on the holidays.
Angela wakes slowly still dizzy from
the chloroform and see her business suit has been removed and she is
in a white dress, heels and her foot is chained to a table. Thomas
begins to inform her of his undying affections for her in spite of
her many sins having watched her through CCTV, he feels he can really
help her to the right path... this from a guy that drugged her,
stripped her and made her his captive audience. Angela must try to
escape from the quite insane Thomas and get help. Can she make out
alive? Will she have to resort to suicide or taking Thomas' life to
be free?
A few notes on the movie now. The
movie itself was shot for two months primarily at night in a real
life parking garage. Rachel Nichols said she was baffled at the need
for 14 indentical dresses each in a state of different dirt or tears
and said in a interview thank God for costume designer Robin
Bigglestone (My Daughter's Secret Life, Recipe for Murder,
The Circle and Monk) labeled and prepped each one in its
individual bag or she would have been putting on the wrong one each
time.
It took three separate dogs to play
Thomas's guard Rottweiler and they were divas for attention and
cookies.
Final thoughts is Bentley's guard is a
disassociate psychopath with delusions of being a good person was
fascinating to watch. Nichols did not allow Angela to suffer from
the fatal illness of scream queen flailing in the dark with no plans
of survival but in fact was a savvy and strong girl with a brain and
determined to live. Slasher meets psychological thriller. A few
plot holes to be sure but overall not a bad movie just again may want
to skip letting the kids watch.
Well hello there readers of mine and
welcome back for Day 4 of Horror for the Holidays. Looks like a
running tally for the use of Silent Night in more than half of the
Christmas themed horror movies I have researched via IMDB. Some have
been cults, warlocks, zombies and even the odd serial killer
screaming, "Naughty!" but you get the point. Now, what I
am about to review now is in fact not a remake but just a loose
telling of a real life tale of the Covina massacre blown out of
porportion via Hollywood. With the fair writing skills of Jayson
Rothwell (Bob's Weekend, Blessed, Second in Command and
Malice in Wonderland) and placed in the hands of director of
rock videos and short films Steven C. Miller (Automaton
Transfusion, The Aggression Scale, Under the Bed and Submerged),
we are in for a bit of a gore fest but maybe it will not surpass Laid
to Rest and here's hoping on that. I couldn't eat lunch for over two
hours thanks to that flick. This is Silent Night.
Bob's first Krav Maga lesson with Santa goes awry.
In a small
Midwestern town that looks awfully like the bacony sight of Canada.
We find a fellow ducking the camera giving us the illusion of
foreshadow or tension that he is in fact the killer decked out as
Santa with his own personal flamethrower... yeah I didn't stutter, I
said a flamethrower. Now unless he is stowing that in his bag of
toys I am not certain how he carries that around with him. A young
deputy is devoid of his uniform, bound to a metal lawn chair and
strapped down with Christmas lights pleading for his life when he is
fried like a wonton with bad CGI eyeballs exploding out of his head.
A slight nod or homage to Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.
Young
deputy Aubrey Bradimore (Jaime King of Pearl Harbor,
Bulletproof Monk, Sin City, Two for the Money and My Bloody
Valentine) is woken early
from bed by Sheriff Cooper (Malcolm McDowell of A
Clockwork Orange, Caligula, Blue Thunder, Superman: The Animated
Series, Star Trek: Generations, Justice League and Halloween)
claiming the same eye popping lad has been AWOL since last Thursday
and assumes he was out and about, now sleeping it off. With a
surplus of Santas roaming about for the impeding holiday Santa parade
makes it almost impossible to find out firebug psycho so the local
law has their work cut out for them as it is.
Freeze, curtains!
While
dealing with down and out cynical Santa Jim (Donal Logue
of Blade, Ghost Rider, Life, Shark Night 3D and Sons of Anarchy),
Deputy Bradimore is dispatched to the old abandoned house along the
way because of an odd smell where she encounters the missing deputy
and a missing housewife, both quite indisposed... that's deader than
Pauly Shore's career if I was too subtle. With the body count
reaching higher our hapless sheriff is no closer to discovering the
who, what and why as Deputy Bradimore is convinced that our killer
has to be someone they trusted as there have been no forced entries
with each homicide. What is the connection to all these people?
Why them specifically? Are they simply being punished by someone's
code of morals and honor?
With the clock
ticking down and red herrings aside our law enforcement better have
downed enough caffeine to freak out a long haul trucker or it's
curtains for this quiet little town.
A few
comments on the flick. One, this is gory but not to say the level of
the Saw movies. The death scenes are over the top to be certain but
that would be if we were watching a thriller rather than a slasher
film. CGI eye popping looked so damn phony that the make-up crew
forgot to blacken the victim's skin better. Kudos to the scalp wound
though. As one-dimensional as most of the characters that have been
on the naughty list, I found myself rooting for Killer Santa. Mild
amount of nudity, the f-bomb got dropped more than a few times and
they were stockpiled on Kyro syrup and black food dye. McDowell is
clearly having fun with this movie as his one-liners are just the
right amount of cheese delivered in such a serious manner you cannot
help but snicker.
Vicious murderous make-up SFX guru Vincent
J. Guastini (The
Last of the Mohicans, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, The
Devils Carnival and Under the Bed)
the dismemberment, head splitting, axe wounds and gore gags aside tip
their hat a bit to both the original and the second Silent Night,
Deadly Night films but it does not have any story-line like it other
than the killer is in a Santa suit and is going to town on the
"guilty". That is really were the similarities end. So
entertaining to a degree but DEFINITELY not one for the kids to curl
around the fire place to AT ALL.
Hiya kids and welcome back to Day 3 of
Horror for the Holidays. Initially I tried to find a copy of the
1996 Santa Claws starring Scream Queen Debbie Rochon but that is just
not happening. Seriously, an hour has gone by searching for this bit
of tripe and I guess we just have to shuffle on to the next pile of
festering feces. Hey! I know! How about a sequel in name only?
Yeah we haven't had one of those since the Return to Salem's Lot.
Boy that was a delight... for people that dislike Stephen King books
I guess. Not sure who that film was for. So tallying back to our
Santa Claus Killer when find... no continuation into the story of
Ricky. Apparently after Bill Mosley's Jiffy Pop Popcorn dome in
Silent Night Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out!, the producers were
embarrassed for a follow-up and Ricky is no more. Go ahead and shed
a tear, folks. This is Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation.
Ah, young fornicators!!! SINNERS!!!
With a grainy translated VHS to
streaming feed I am guaranteed too much Dolby reverb and the post
production audio track coming as loud as Evil Dead 2's "WORKSHED!"
Our film in Los Angeles again but no orphanages or vindictive
Mother Superiors this time. Yes, gone are the days of "Punish!"
and we must adapt, gentle readers. Our movie opens with a hobo
enjoying a half devoured burger when a girl atop a six story
building gets set on fire via jump cut, slow pyrotechnics and then a
dummy fall, cut to actress looking bored (dead) but not aflame then
finally engulfed after landing on the safety mat the wrong direction
from the fall. Completely seamless. And that is our minute
forty-five intro and right to the credits.
We follow the lead investigator Kim
(Neith Hunter of Born in East L.A., Less Than Zero, Fright
Night Part 2, and Inside Out) is trying to channel her inner
Lois Lane as the editor of Classified Ads is not as hard hitting as
it sounds. Her boss Eli (Reggie Bannister of Phantasm, Phantasm II,
Wishmaster, Bubba Ho-Tep and Revamped) is a sexist porker that
believes anyone without a penis has no gut instinct for a story.
Actually he comes across as the editor that doesn't give a budding
reporter a hot story because she has had a month's experience and not
been in the trenches.
I'm late for Quidditch!!!
Kim goes behind Eli's back to cover a
spontaneous combustion story when she finds out at her first stop of
the local butcher's shop that it would appear to be a suicide. Kim
makes her way into the nearby bookstore to view the surprisingly
impressive occult section when hobo Ricky (Clint Howard of
Freeway, Tango & Cash, Leprechaun 2, Ice Cream Man, Barb Wire and
House of the Dead) goes all Torgo of Mano: The Hands of Fate
on her causing her overacting outburst and gathering attention of the
bookstore owner Fima (Maud Adams of The Man with the Golden
Gun, Rollerball, Octopussy, Hell Hunters, Angel III: The Final
Chapter and The Seekers), who shoos Ricky away and sends him
packing. She comes on a bit creeper as well and invites Kim to a
picnic she is having with friends for the following day. Ominous
music follows this woman's every other sentence so no worries there
at all.
With her investigation bearing no fruit
she head home only to be under seige by roaches from her sink ruining
dinner she then goes to her boyfriend Hank's (Tommy Hinkley of
Lethal Weapon 2, The Cable Guy, Star Trek: Generations and Ocean's
Thirteen) parents' home for a Christmas dinner. Hank's
father has been guzzling beer and decrees a woman's place is in the
home and not out being career minded even since Eve was made from
Adam's Rib. Hank attempts logic with his father and gets shot down
after explaining it was an allegory.
Kim makes her way home having strange
visions and dreams, thinks to skip work and visit this picnic of
musical ill-boding intent. Finding a certain connection with these
women, Kim seems to notice how the women adhere to Fima's will and
her teachings of Lilith, first wife of Adam. As events of the week
unfold, people seem confused to Kim's whereabouts or should they
questioning her intent. Fima's gathering seem almost cultism in
their actions unnerving Kim as she seems to feel they may be
responsible for the young girl's death.
A few comments on the film now. This
is the first of the series not having a killer Santa Claus in it.
The views of man and woman having issues in the workforce is a tad
cliche and point to almost every man being either a sexist pig, a
lout or a creep. Granted, the work environment has its share of
problems but this is way over the top establishing that black magic
and blood sacrifices is the only way to alter that. I am sure
feminists worldwide would be just thrilled at their sacrifices made
to be summed up in this fashion, let alone any follower of Wicca
portrayed as dark, sinister monsters. So while different from the
original three I was not blown away with this creation. A moderately
original story to be certain but not eye-opening at all.
Sweetie, it was this film or another Roger Moore Bond flick.
Howdy all and welcome to Day 2 of
Horror for the Holidays. Well the weather outside is less frightful
than the movie I have for you today. Let's see if our friends
across the pond can scare and chill us to the bone, shall we? This
movie is the work of Tom Shankland,
TV and Movie director (Bubbles, Bait, Hearts and Bones,
Clocking Off, Jericho and Ripper Street) and looks to be
interesting using a killer theme with a less than 50% success rate so
let's give this DVD a whirl. This is The Children.
Well this was no skiing accident!
Two families have gathered together for
a cozy Christmas and New Year's holiday in an isolated house far from
the hustle and bustle of civilization. A perfect getaway thinks
Elaine (Eva Birthistle of Breakfast on Pluto, Imagine Me &
You, The State Within, The Last Enemy and Wake Wood) and her
second husband Jonah (Stephen Campbell Moore of The History
Boys, The Bank Job, Season of the Witch and Hunted).
Traveling with Elaine's teenage daughter Casey (Hannah Tointon
of Hollyoaks, Doctors, Switch, The Hour and Love Matters) and
her step-siblings Miranda (Eva Sayer of Inspector Lewis,
EastEnders, The Children, The Day of the Triffids and The Turn of the
Screw) and Paulie (William Howes of The Children)
everyone is a bit bouncy, punchy and glad to be out of the SUV.
Arriving at the house that is Chloe's (Rachel Shelley of
Lighthouse, Lagaan: Once Upon a Time in India, The L Word and Rogue),
Elaine's sister, her husband Robbie (Jeremy Sheffield of
Hollyoaks, Merlin, The Wedding Date and Coronation Street)
and their two children Nicky (Jake Hathaway of The Children,
The Bill, The Tudors and The King's Speech) and Leah
(Rafiella Brooks of The Children and Gulliver's Travels)
looking forward to a fun-filled Christmas when Paulie starts
summoning the earl, which the adults presume is travel sickness.
FOOLISH ADULTS!!!! KNOW YOUR PLACE IN THE HORROR MOVIE!
Tee hee *whispers I kill you*
As the night falls, Nicky and Leah are
also taken back with showing symptoms of the same sickness.
Rebelious teen Casey plans to ditch the family to go party with her
friends when the family cat Jinxie seems to be hiding in the dense
cul-de-sac forest and refuses to show itself. As this night
progressing the kids seem to be almost malevolent in their actions and
dinner is ruined by Nicky as Robbie takes the rest of the scamps
outside to play.
Nicky seems to have in his head to turn
on dear old dad and do the old boy in. Why you may ask? Um... were
you not reading about this illness? Try to keep up, would you
please? Chloe now just shattered seeing her husband in a pool of
blood Casey is given the task to find the kids. Robbie's body goes
missing as Jonah and Elaine attempt to comfort Chloe. Casey finds
Robbie's remains as he has clearly been disemboweled. Will the
adults believe Casey on what she saw? Will it all end in tears? And
who is finishing the mince pie?
A few comments about the movie now.
Most of the violence is kept off-screen and eluded to but the first
adult attack is extremely violent and looks like Home Alone: The Dark
Chapter. Using a bit of tension with musicial score, pull back pan
and some tight zooms the anxiety in and out of the house build up.
They really can't call the cops to save them, they don't have the
heart to attack their own kids and they have never been put upon this
situation before.
With simple household and gardening
equipment, these little actors did an excellent job of convincing me
they have gone completely crackers. With the exception of Village of
the Damned, very few kid killer thrillers work. Most fall into the
Children of the Corn territory and you are left laughing at the
screen. The Children will preveal in terms of horror. Not one to
share with the kids for many reasons.
Greetings and welcome with festive
cheer for the holidays and we enter Day 1 of Horror for the Holidays.
Boy nothing says Christmas quite like mono sound mix, a almost
technicolor quality and more grain on the film than the movie "
Field of Wheat". I did not have a lot of luck with finding a
decent copy of today's movie but we are going to press on and soldier
through this terrifying collection weird tales of family and friends
in a mansion previously occupied by crazy people. No I do not mean a
dysfunctional family, I mean the house used to be a lunatic asylum.
This is Silent Night, Bloody Night.
Carter, are we cliche murder bait?
With captivating taglines like: The
mansion. The madness. The maniac. No escape. It is almost as if the
poster taunts you or dares you to enter this awe inspiring film. My
belief is it is telling to run far far away as though you are being
chased by Leatherface but that is my take on it. So scary is this
poster that the faint of heart dare not watch this movie alone and in
the dark.
Our movie opens in on Christmas Eve
1950, with a gentleman name of Wilfred Butler fleeing out of his
house engulfed in flames flailing around in the snow and just died
presumably so. Top that, Citizen Kane!!! Years later, lawyer
John Carter (Patrick O' Neal of Dick and the Duchess, Route 66,
Assignment to Kill, El Condor and The Doris Day Show) and
his secretary Ingrid (Astrid Heeren of Vice and Virtue, The
Thomas Crown Affair and Castle Keep) arrive 20 years later
during that same holiday staple probably cursing having to work on
the holidays. Carter and Ingrid practically are assaulted with
greetings by the town Sheriff Mason (Walter Klavun of It Should
Happen to You, The Boston Strangler and The Brink's Job),
Mayor Adams (Walter Abel of Fury, Holiday Inn, Mr. Skeffington
and Island in the Sky) Tess Howard (Fran Stevens of The
Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight and Silent Night, Bloody Night),
the town's phone operator and Charlie Towman (John Carradine
of Stagecoach, The Grapes of Wrath, The Unearthly, House of the
Black Death, Shock Waves and Kung Fu). The lot of them greet
Carter and Ingrid in wonder to what they are doing in their minuscule
crappy town.
Lost in a Pantene moment.
Word spreads about town that Wilfred's
grandson, Jeffery (James Patterson of Lilith, In the Heat of
the Night, Castle Keep and A Fable) is selling the enormous
mansion of a paltry price of $50,000 which becomes the buzz of the
town so that the tale even makes its way to the local loony bin
causing an insane psycho to escape. Coincidence? Nah. With the
exterior shots even in daylight this house has a Gothic, eerie feel
as disturbing events seem to unfold. What lurks in this house?
What tales could it tell us and what is that smell in the basement?
Just a few observations at this time.
The dialogue is written if you combined the visual skills of Dickens'
A Christmas Carol with that of a Gialli (Italian thriller or
mystery) or Giallo if you prefer. The flashback sequences
seem to be in sepia filter so everything captured looks grainy and
disturbing. The film is littered with red herrings making you have
to use your brain to figure out who the killer is and why these
specific people are dying off. Make no mistake folks, this is a
pre-cursor to the slasher genre to the likes of the original Black
Christmas or the original Halloween.
A nice steady pace unveiled with
colored filters, still images, eerie composure and a gothic story
makes this a bizarre choice to be placed in a Christmas setting.
With the exception of the Mayor lightly whistling Silent Night and
his daughter having a jolly outfit on the weather shots look latter
Fall rather then Winter. A classic example of how a horror film
follows the lick of a Rolling Stones tune. Jazzy and swinging, baby.
Seriously though, modern horror directors could take notes from this
movie and getalong fine. If confused and unable to find it by this
title, you can try the three other English titles: Zora, Death
House and Night of the Dark Full Moon.
Falling off the grid in the late 70s,
our movie fell into public domain only to be discovered by Elvira,
Mistress of the Dark's gang giving it a cult following for the VHS
generation.
Well hello ladies and gents. Well it
is that time, that time I must endure some gut wrenching terror or
just spattering of fluids against the walls, ceiling and floors. I
know it seems a trifle odd for this festive of the year when I could
be enjoying Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life" or George
Seatons's "Miracle on 34th Street" but alas this
blog is not that classy, refined or whimsical enough to handle that
much Christmas hilarity and buoyancy. Do not be fooled by the
extensive vocabulary , people. I sat through Zombie Lake.
Yeah this won't end in tears.
With this in mind I shall slug my waist
high snow pants into the muck and bile that is Christmas themed horror
films. "But Jake, clearly you have already suffered the
slings and arrows of Christmas horror movies every made." A
well meaning attempt to detour me from my chosen task, crazy voice in
my head, but sadly there are more terror imbued dog flop to be had
and I am spending this week subjecting you all to it. So if you
were expecting a delightful reminiscence of Rudolph or Frosty, buddy
have you hit the wrong blog. ENJOY!!!!
Welcome one and all to Holiday Havoc Week have come to an
end and there would have been a write-up yesterday but stomach issues were
making that impossible. Of course I
hinted to our next title after Santa’s Slay so prepare yourselves for blatant
over the top acting, farfetched plots and acting more wooden than Sherwood
Forest. Our terrorizing tale hails from
the fictional town of Snowmonton (which vaguely looks like Big Bear Lake
California) about a serial killer attacking its citizens from beyond
the grave. So grab your snow shovel, get
a bonfire going and get ready your coal.
This is Jack Frost.
This time, the frost bite is killer!
Jack Frost: Gosh. I
only axed you for a spoiler.
Our low budgeted horror comedy film opens with serial killer
Jack Frost (Scott MacDonald of Fire in the Sky, Stargate SG-1, Star Trek:
Enterprise, Carnivale and Threshold) being brought in for his execution
when thanks to some mediocre writing by writer/director Michael Cooney (Tracks of a Killer, Murder in Mind, Jack
Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman, Identity and 6 Souls) a convenient
truck carrying experimental mutagenic material slips on a ice patch and crashes
into the transport truck. Jack seizes
this opportunity to flee from the truck only to fall into what looks like a
slushee mixture and burn alive in a vat of acidic compound. The lethal injection was looking pretty good
instead.
Looks like he wants to kill his agent and not the snowman.
A week after the accident in the town of Snowmonton is
Christmas time and local Sheriff Sam Tiler (TV Veteran character actor Christopher
Allport of Barnaby Jones, And I Alone Survived, Dynasty, In the Heat of the
Night, Felicity and Shark) is doing his rounds, making there is no
underage drinking and all the other challenges of a small town to contend with
when he gets a call of Old Man Harper is found murdered. His pointless deputy and the coroner go to
see the pandemonium and crack a few jokes.
Yes his actual credits are released as Old Man Harper. Apparently Old Timer Billy Slader was busy
and couldn’t be asked to appear.
Some local snow bullies also end up dead and it is smacking
of a serial killer when Sam’s son Ryan (Zack Eginton of Forget Paris, Indictment:
The McMartin Trial, Eye for an Eye and The Iron Giant) tells dear old
Dad that it was a snowman that attacked the boys. Ruffling the lad’s hair and sending him home
the Sheriff is bemused and perplexed at his son. More bodies are piling like cordwood and the
M.O. is starting to remind Sam of Jack Frost. With some assistance from Agents
Manners and Stone of unmentioned Federal involvement the town is under curfew
while these blocks of wood knock their collective heads together to find and
stop the killer.
Okay you should have known I had a few comments on our straight-to-DVD
film here. First off this is Shannon
Elizabeth’s (American Pie, Thirteen Ghosts, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Cursed
and Night of the Demons) first starring role in Film and TV. Secondly this wonderful opus has made the
town of Fawnskin California northwest of Bear Bear Lake infamous or famous
depending on its cult status. Thirdly,
this film has a...well snowman rape scene so…yeah I am not really certain what
to even talk about in that. The death
sequences are meant to be comical, the effect are low par, the acting is
laughable and the plot is so poorly connected it is a wonder anyone would put
that on their writing resume.
So if you didn’t get enough of absurd killers
to the like of the Leprechaun, Chucky or Killer Klowns From Outer Space then this is the film for
you.
Welcome back to Holiday Havoc Week and I sure hope the New
Year’s hangovers go as quickly as the hundred years war. Yes I am a bit sour but moving right along
into today’s flick about a less than holly and jolly old rosy cheeked
fellow. A towering mammoth of a man
bringing holiday death to all the good and bad girls and boys is on the loose
and coming to your town. So say your
prayers and be true in your hearts. This
is Santa’s Slay.
Ho, ho, holy crap that's Bill Goldberg!
Santa: I’m Santa, not
spoilin’ Dracula!
In the tradition of cheese that was the horror films Jack
Frost and Uncle Sam brings us to the tale of the Anti-Christ losing a bet with
an angel. Y’see in spite of the Devil’s
son being big, buff and down and out nasty, he is lousy at curling. Yes I did say curling. For his spectacular loss the demon must be a
good jolly fellow that hands out toys to all the good girls and boys. For a thousand years our cherub demon suffers
being good until 2005 and he is off the hook and out of control. Our opening scene consists of a gathering of
folks around a dinner table snarking at one another when down the chimney comes
old Saint Nick (Bill Goldberg of WCW, WWE, Universal Soldier: The Return, Ready to
Rumble and The Longest Yard remake) who greets this happy family with
gore gags galore. Yes Virginia, there is
a Santa Claus…and boy is he ticked.
Fran, I told you to stay away from the green screen. Sheesh actors.
Our dark comedy shows some passes from a book written in
what looked at a guess given the Latin text and pronunciations telling
the tale how Santa lost his bet. Course that
is nothing compared to the Chubacabra having to go Vegan for a lousy poker
hand.
Back to our story, a young teen Nicolas Yuleman (Douglas
Smith of Blast from the Past, Big Love, Antiviral and Percy Jackson: Sea of
Monsters) not of this festive time turns to his rather quaint
grandfather (Robert Culp of I Spy, Bob & Carol &Ted & Alice, The
Greatest American Hero, Columbo and Gargoyles) who shows the lad the
Book of Klaus telling of his origins. Knowing
that Santa is on a bloody rampage Nick and his girlfriend Mary “Mac” Mackenzie
(Emilie
de Ravin of Lost, The Hills Have Eyes, Brick and Public Enemies) to
avenge their happy go lucky boss, stop Santa’s spree of death and ensure people
have a merry Christmas.
Okay now this is just a collection of spoilers and fun facts
about this movie. Our opening scene
looks a bit anti-Semitic given the various Jewish actors being slain in the
first 3 minutes of the film. Fran Drescher, James Caan, Rebecca
Gayheart and Chris Kattan all
slaughtered and then it hit me. Bill
Goldberg did them all in and I relaxed my PC button just so. I got a kick out of Dave Thomas as the local
pastor at a strip club escaping the terror as it burns down and yes fellas
there was nudity at the club. The large
buffalo that was Santa’s Helldeer was an interesting choice and overall this
was a cheesy film with some mildly hokey effects but I got a good laugh.
Flaming reindeer poop works great as a hand warmer.
Howdy boys and girls! I’m back from the Christmas break and
prepping a few holiday themed films for review.
This time around I thought I would tackle a handful of Christmas themed
films of horror and heck I bet I can find a New Year’s one as well. Yes I should be heaping through a few Frank
Capra films but there is only so many times I can sit through “It’s A Wonderful
Life”.
No, I do not want to switch cable companies! STOP CALLING!!!
With that in mind we will begin Holiday Havoc Week.
