Night of the Animated Dead

 Howdy readers of the Rotten! Well we are almost to Halloween and I have had some scouring for different titles and bizarre stories, when I came across this interesting little gem. Due to losing all rights to his own intellectual property; the late George Romero (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Knightriders, Creepshow, The Dark Half and Land of the Dead) spawned a tremendous love for the zombie horror sub-genre. Many have used this same time over and over as homage or a means to get their feet wet in the industry with these gore-fueled nightmares. Hemisphere Entertainment throws their hat in the ring with an animated retelling of the 1968 cult classic with accomplished and enthusiastic voice cast, bringing us back to that terrifying night. This is Night of the Animated Dead. 

 

Mob of zombies or disgruntled Packers fans?

 

 

 

 

 

With classic hand drawn cells vs the 3-D CGI 2012 creation, the movie unfolds in that faithful cemetery visit to the grave with Barbara (Katherine Isabelle of Ginger Snaps, Carrie, Stargate SG-1, Freddy Vs Jason, Sanctuary, Supernatural, 30 Days of Night: Dark Days, American Mary and The Green Sea) and anal retentive grump brother, Johnny (Jimmi Simpson of Loser, Rose Red, D.E.B.S., Seraphim Falls, Date Night, Abraham Lincoln:Vampire Hunter, Westworld and Shriver) who winges on about the drive, how it has ruined his Sunday and in general, being an ass.

No sooner has the wreath been delivered and prayers been said, Barbara is nearly assaulted by a zombie who Johnny attempts to body check, only to crack his coconut on a marble slab (First one of you shouts spoilers, I would point out this is plot based from the 1968 original) and he is down for the count. Barbara makes her way on foot to a seemingly empty farmhouse for shelter, only to run into some more gruesome ghoulies. 

 

Well, it's either zombies or beaver pelt smells.

 

 

 

 

 

Enter Ben (Dule Hill of Sugar Hill, Color of Justice, She's All That, The Guardian, Miss Dial, Pysch, Doubt, Psych: The Movie, Suits, Psych 2: Lassie Come Home, Hypnotic, Muppet Babies and Psych 3: This Is Gus). Our tall, gruff protagonist that whoops some undead ass, secures the house and gets Barbara to realize the object danger that she is in. With meager barricades, a few Zeds violently dispatched, Ben tries to reason with Barbara on their level of supplies, weapons and the fact this house is littered with wood scraps. Previous owner must have died from sheer exhaustion, collecting all these wood scraps. Or this house momentarily belonged to a family of beavers. Take your pick. Make no mistake, folks. This sucker is rated R for the zombie gore. We're in a medium allowing more visual and visceral goings on. 

 

Pep Boys' sales pitch just not working.

 

 

 

 

 

There are differences to be sure. Case in point, we actually get a flashback with Ben making his way from town.  Good ole Beakman's Diner turned into a slaughterhouse but ZERO CRICKETS CHIRPING, so I was already thrilled to see and hear this.  Naturally our four additional survivors make their way up from the cellar and we get the smattering of dialogue expected.  While I am a huge Josh Duhamel (Win a Date With Tad Hamilton!, Crossing Jordan, Las Vegas, When In Rome, Movie 43, Safe Haven, Battle Creek, ) fan , I loved how Karl Hardman's Harry Cooper sounded like a pissed off 1930s radio announcer.  Sorry Josh. 

 

Bad table manners! Bad girl!

 

 

 

 

 

Whether or not Mr. Cooper will hang with us, we have his wife Helen ( Nancy Travis of Three Men and a Baby, The Vanishing, So I Married An Axe Murderer, Greedy, Duckman, Almost Perfect, Becker, The Bill Engvall Show, Rose Red, Married Young and Last Man Standing) and hapless (not to mention brainless )couple Judy (Katee Sackoff of Battlestar Galactica, Halloween: Resurrection, Oculus, Call of Duty: Black Ops III, Don't Knock Twice, Longmire, The Flash, Star Wars Rebels, The Mandalorian, Robot Chicken and Another Life) and Tom (Jame Roday Rodriguez of First Years, Providence, Miss Match, The Dukes of Hazzard, Psych, WWE Raw, Baby,Baby, Baby, Christmas Eve, Pushing Dead, Psych: The Movie, Buddy Games, Psych 2 Lassie Come Home, A Million Little Things and Psych 3: This Is Gus)

And yes Psych fans, both Shawn and Gus are voicing in this. Yeah I got a good laugh too.

The animation style is similar to an era like the Super Powers days...only with tons of flesh rending and blood caked gore. Great voice work overall and clearly this was done with a certain amount of passion for the subject matter. Grey matter that is.

Ultimately this is a love letter to the Godfather of the zombies, cherishing the original and another version of what you have already seen in the black and white. We're not breaking new ground but it's not meant to. It is meant to showcase some animation talent and voice cast credentials. For the haters that complain the pace is too slow, it's duplicating the formula on how certain film was striding in the day. I guess folk born after 1985 are unfamiliar without a film not relying on an ass-load of jump scares and two-dimensional, douche dialogue.

At 71 minutes, the flick delivers what it set out to do and I had fun making cartoon references and riffs throughout the movie, but I do that kind of crap through "A-list"cinema as well. Grab it for a goof, surprise people with this dark cartoon. Hell, make a drinking game out of it. I had a blast with it. 

 So here's to retouching on a cult classic. Keep an ear out for MAD TV and Sh*t My Dad Says alumni,Will Sasso as the Sheriff. The man can deliver.

FYI, watch the Riff Trax version of the original Night of the Living Dead. You enjoy the snark and riffs.

Bit overkill for this squirrel hunt, Sheriff.

 

Rob Zombie's Halloween

Howdy again, Realm of Rotten Readers. I'm begging you guys to come up with something more catchy. It is just not happening for me. Okay, today on the docket has been a fan request for some time. 

 Initially I wasn't interested because I am touchy about remakes but I have been a fan of the man's writing/music and directing so let's see if the unrated version is a bit more intriguing. For some of you that asked me to NOT review this, tough. If you this does not capture your attention, I am more than certain there are other blogs out there. This is Rob Zombie's Halloween.

 

You're my only Kirk, Mr. Shatner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, yes I know Carpenter fans. I am fully aware many of you booed and hissed your way through this flick. I get it. It was not your cup of tea. Let us set aside these issues before I have Malcolm McDowell Cameo the hell out of your social media! I mean, if I can afford that.

We hearken back to the days of young Michael Myers (Daeg Faerch of Dark Mirror, Halloween, Hancock, Run! Bitch Run!, Sebastian, Ditch Party and Killer Therapy) may have a few personality quirks...in the same way Attila the Hun may have had an thriving outdoors-man lifestyle.

The thing is...Zombie's idea was to step away from Carpenter's "Pure Evil" storyline because he wanted his own spin of the flick. Obviously he is a fan of the original but he didn't want to rely heavily on the existing formula. So he gave Michael a bad childhood. A bully big sister, a mother that moonlights as a stripper, a baby sister, an abusive stepfather (No not Terry o' Quinn) and he's constantly berated at school by bullies. Slowly this starts to warp the lad and the next thing you know, he's onto computer games, comic books and RPGs. Oh no, wait. He starts murdering the neighborhood pets. Some sort of catharsis strangling a cat or three. 

 

Another Craigslist Causal Encounters comes to a close.

 

 

 

 

 

 

His mother Deborah (Sherri Moon Zombie of House of 1000 Corpses, Toolbox Murders, The Devil's Rejects, Halloween, Californication, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto and The Lords of Salem) has been made aware of the strange goings on of her little boy, but it doesn't seem to register that she is raising a sociopath.  THE KID HAD A DEAD CAT IN HIS BOOK BAG!!!  How many warning sirens and klaxons you need to go off, lady?  Sheesh!  But Dopey Deborah just puts the whole scenario down as boys being boys.   WTF??!!! 

 

Just payin' for college. Honest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Abusive stepdad Ronnie (William Forsythe of Raising Arizona, Out For Justice, Dick Tracy, Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead, Virtuosity, The Rock, Boardwalk Empire, The Mob Doctor, and The Witching Hour) is a drunk, unemployed and generally worthless. CHARACTER!

Mikey decides he's grows weary of bully beatings and catches up with one of the boys beating him repeatedly with a thick tree branch. I mean we hear the meaty thunks and the bully boy crying his eyes out. Should have popped him in the mouth, son. Would have been more mumbles than screams. It does sound pathetic as you begin to realize his parents are probably wondering why he's not back from school yet.

Oh quick note, isn't it funny that Charles Lee Ray(Brad Dourif of Child's Play) and Alex DeLarge (Malcolm McDowell of A Clockwork Orange) are pairing up to stop a serial killer?  Yeah it's food for thought, right?

Like a CGI crocodile, Michael's on a rampage as he gives Ronnie and Judith the business end of the murder tools. Also I really couldn't muster any sympathy for Ronnie and Judith, both were kind of awful. Maybe turning them into frickin' kabobs was a bit much, but I couldn't say.

40 minutes of the film is spent showing us Michael going down the rabbit hole to full blown loony tunes. The scenes with Young Michael (Daeg) and Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell of A Clockwork Orange, Time After Time, Caligula, Cat People, Class of 1999, Tank Girl, Star Trek: Generations, Wing Commander, Wing Commander Academy, God of War III and Suing the Devil) establishing the rapport the boy has for his doctor as this is ultimately the only real father figure he has ever had. Loomis tries to avoid becoming attached and remain clinical but he cannot help but allow his heart to go out to one so young and lost. Granted, telling this kid that his wife has up and left as well as, most of his friends because he cannot seem to get past Michael's issues seems a tad unprofessional.

Okay the biggest complaint about this film has been that everyone working in the wacko basket is either rude, heartless or has a rape-like tendency. Seems like there were no personality screening at this nut house.

17 years institutionalized at the institute and Michael makes his move. Funny how he's as big as Tyler Mane from X-Men. Previous Michaels had suffered enough from stunt injuries. 2007? Couldn't have gotten Kane Hodder? Sure he wouldn't be playing Voorhees but I bet he could have made a fun spin on Myers. 

 

O.M.G. We're adorbs!

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever happened to Baby Boo? Well she's now Laurie Strode (Scout-Taylor Compton of Charmed, Wicked Little Things, Halloween, April Fool's Day, The Runaways, Nashville, Feral, The Lurker and Eternal Code) and thankfully she has 80s Mom badass herself, Dee Wallace! By God if there's a critter, rabid St. Bernard or pack of werewolves, Dee's got this in the bag! 

Accompanying Laurie is Annie Brackett (Halloween alumni Danielle Harris of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, The Last Boy Scout, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, Roseanne, Left for Dead, Hatchet II, Stake Land, Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2, Hatchet III and Camp Dread) and Lynda (Kristina Klebe of Zone of the Dead, Criminal Minds, 6 Month Rule, Alter Egos, The Kiss of a Killer, Proxy, Friday the 13^th: The Game and Slay Belles)

For those not following; I will give you the heads up. Yes, there is nudity. Yes there is elaborate gore and yes there is some dialogue that will make you cringe. IT'S A SLASHER FLICK! This did not RUIN the Halloween franchise. Those precious gobbets of Horror are still out there. The original film didn't suddenly burst into flames or was written out of the spacetime contiuum.

Seriously, with the "Thorn" trilogy of Jamie, to the H20 reboot claiming 1 and 2 were the only cannon, and then the 8^th stink nugget Resurrection? Yes, clearly it was Rob Zombie's foul deeds that would ever made this garbled storyline awful. Busta Rhymes killing Michael. The hell, man?

Is this for every Halloween fan? Maybe not. While there are more orchestrated death scenes, it really feels like Zombie was doing the gore grab bag to see what looked nastier on film. Did it make money? Yes! With a budget of 15 million estimated the US Gross alone was over $58 million. Hell, opening weekend was $26 million right there.

Chronology is the biggest gripe for a lot of the critics. Most of the vehicles, music and clothing look like the late 70s, so this could simply be a nod to the original, however as the 17 years have passed, clothing styles, cars and cell phones are making their way so now it looks like the 2000s. I don't know. Hell my only real beef is an insane asylum would have metal forks around a bunch of nutter butters. You know, that whole fear that one of the inmates could use it to attack hospital staff or fellow inmates. That being said, I now want to see a graphic death scene with a spork. Am I alone on this? Huh? HUH?! 

 

With talented character actors like Bill Mosely, Ken Foree, Danny Trejo, Richard Lynch, Clint Howard, Udo Kier, Sybil Danning and Leslie Easterbrook, it is damn hard to say who I am most happy to see in a flick. Now yes, I do admit to enjoying "The Boogeyman" legend of Michael Myers and Donald Pleasence as the voice of the conscience but AGAIN, Rob wanted to do his own story. It is my firm belief if he did the exact carbon copy of Halloween; there would be even more internet troll bitch fights. Win or lose, Zombie has product, an opening, a middle and an ending. That folks, is called a movie. Whether you were expecting me to crucify it or not, I am just looking at it from my point of view and nothing more.

 

Hang on. I have my script notes here.

 

Blood Feast

Hidey-ho readers of the Rotten! More than a few of you have requested Caroline Williams movies. I had no idea there were that many Stretch fans (Main female protagonist of Texas Chainsaw Massacre II for those not in on this response) but this is certainly not the worst request in the world. The worst would probably more Andreas Snaas films. Those are as soothing as a chainsaw enema. So howzabout a splatter comedy based on the 1963 exploitation classic of the same title? This is Blood Feast a.k.a. Feast of Flesh a.k.a. The Blood Feast a.k.a.Egyptian Blood Feast

Now sweetie, Daddy just exploring new avenues.

Normally my Spidey-senses are all a tingle with multiple titles but looking at the film's cast I felt better already.   Based on Hershell Gordon Lewis (Blood Feast, Scum of the Earth, Two Thousand Maniacs!, Monster a-Go Go, Something Weird, Blast-Off Girls, She-Devils on Wheels and How to Make a Doll) exploitation splatter flick, we follow the Ramses family transitioning from France (THEY CAME FROM FRANCE) where they chose to run an All-American diner. Business is flagging a bit, clearly a sign of the times and poor economy structure.

Fuad Ramses (Robert Rusler of Weird Science, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Sometimes They Come Back, Babylon 5, Wing Commander IV: The Price of Freedom, Mike Hammer, Private Eye, Cold Case, NCIS, 24, And Soul Searchers) has to bring home the bacon, he decides to forego proper sleep and takes a second job working night shift security at the prestigious museum of Egyptian culture. Throughout the nights of utter boredom and loneliness, Fuad is drawn to this stature of Ishtar. So drawn to this statue he starts seeing visions of this gorgeous goddess (Sadie Katz of Good Guys Finish Last, Hit List, House of Bad, Scorned, Wrong Turn 6: Last Resort, Grindsploitation, Unreported, The Night Shift, Bus Party to Hell and Meaning of Violence) makes demands of worship and sacrifice and Fuad falls under her spell.

Hehe, hard to stay in the lines!

When gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life leaves you an ancient goddess that demands flesh and blood sacrifices, you make people steak?

Fuad proceeds to butcher people for the decree of Ishtar, and the meat and organs to the menu at the diner. Naturally this could be a difficult sale to his lovely wife, Louise (Caroline Williams of Almo Bay, Getting Even, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Stepfather II, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Days of Thunder, Flashfire, Leprechuan 3, The District, The Division, The Unleashed, Abolition, the Mentalist and Monsterpiece Theatre Volume 1) who is equally tired from back breaking work and sees this as a blessing. The doozy is breaking this particular level of messed up is giving their college aged daughter Penny (Sophia Monk of Monster!, The Mystery of Natalie Wood, London, Pool Guys, Date Movie, Click, Sex and Death 101, Entourage, Spring Breakdown, The Hills Run Red, Life Blood and Hard Breakers) in on the new family secret.

Dangerous and dishy.

This could be equally bad as Penny has been in a relationship with the Sheriff's officer, Fatih (Roland Freitag of Iron Wolf, Das Tagebuch der Grete Muller, #funnyFACE and Blood Feast) so I can only hope she can make with the deception. Faud starts getting screwy...well screwier when you dine on human flesh you have murdered and butchered yourself. Yeah go figure that eating people would make you a bit off. With bodies piling up and people disappearing, you would naturally assume the cops would start piecing this together but in true horror trope fashion, these guys couldn't distinguish their asses from holes in the ground. And yes because I get asked it almost every time I review horror (YES THERE IS TITTY!) so that has been answered. Sorry again, lady readers but I get this particular cliche more times that I would care to admit.

This normally tallies at 90 minutes, there is also the Blu-ray version at 96 minutes and the Director's Unrated Cut finishes at 98 minutes. And yes I saw the Unrated Cut because...well it was the one I clicked on.

To anyone with eyes, the remake is a love letter for the original. The elaborate sets, the slow drawn out story and going for a bit more gore than the 1968 version. Our cast is amazing with the material. I am not certain who I found more captivating: Robert Rusler's slip from working class schlep to a spiral into madness and devote follower of Ishtar or Caroline Williams' just accepting this insane course of actions to help the family business or the craving of flesh.

I am really confused why this film has gotten so much crap from IMDB readers and non-profit critics. The film has good suspense, decent build-up into the evil, dark humor and making the hairs on my neck stand up. Seriously guys and gals, why the hate? Hell for that matter the late great Herschell Gordon Lewis makes a cameo as Professor Lou Hershell.

Director Marcel Walz (Camp Corpses, Kadaver, Road Rip, Popular, Raw: The Curse of Grete Muller, Seed 2, La Petite Mort II, Raw 3: The Revelation of Grete Muller and Rootwood) plays up with an updated script lingo wise but kept the core of the story giving an macabre tale of family and struggling business. 

Meh, beats EBT.

Day of the Dead: Bloodline

Yeah, I noticed I cannot get away from the title or subtitle Bloodline as well. So back again and I have gotten a fair amount of requests for my peepers to peruse this putrid pick.  Oh it can't be that bad.  Only the second remake of the same name for the 1985 Day of the Dead.  The previous occurred in 2008, had a vegan vampire, wasted Ving Rhames and lots of tedious moments of derp. Will the 2018 remake in story line prove better?   Let's look.   This is Day of the Dead: Bloodline

AHHH! NO HICKIES!!!

Med Student Zoe (Sophie Skelton of Doctors, Foyle's War, Casualty, Blackbird, Outlander and 211) has been invited to a kegger at her school in Whittendale University (No hell mouth, I checked.) with her friends. Yes, party and screw in a horror movie. That's never a bad idea. While grabbing more beer from the morgue; One of Zoe's higher ups tells her the favorite donor has arrived. Oh lovely, raper's blood has the highest concentration of antibodies so young soon to be doctor must deal with him. Yup no need to spare any security to watch this guy. Guess you need to swear out a written complaint against a guy before taken seriously.

Creeper blood donor, Rapey McGuffin Max (Jonathan Schaech of That Thing You Do!, If You Only Knew, The Foresaken, Road House 2, Prom Night, Quarantine, Laid to Rest, Blue Bloods and Legends of Tomorrow) tries to get fleshy with Zoe but corpus coitus interruptus or plot device zombie bites his throat.  Zoe beats cheeks to go warn everyone at the party, only to find the party's over and zombies have invaded.   She flees out through the window.  Actually opening it and not crashing through it to open radial and femoral arteries.  Kudos!

The horde of the undead get a nifty term as they are Rotters.   That's nice.   Not only have these people lost any semblance of who they were now you are just calling them names.  Was walkers too on the nose?

Five year later, we have the whole underground bunker storyline, finding a cure this time for zombification and more jump scares than needed. You can comfortably pass a bowling ball out your anus the amount of jump scares needed for most of these flicks. Sorry, sorry. Old habits. Must remain objective.

Some enchanted eeeeevening!!

Hiding out at a bunker up the ridge of High Rock Emergency Bunker and honestly this is just giving an intro before the bizarre living arrangements.  Ran by Lieutenant Salazar (Jeff Gum of The Smell of Success, Breakout Kings, Bleak, Turn Around Jake and Vincent N Roxxy) who isn't Captain Rhodes by a long shot.  Seriously, you can reason with this dude.  Rhodes would just execute people on the spot so you had to tread on eggshells with that cat.

Zoe and Elyse (Shari Watson of The Wash, Ali, A Day in the Life, Dirty South, 211 and Security) barely have enough medical training for all the ouchies they must attend to, plus viral outbreaks are still a thing in zombie world and require plot device, Uh I mean vaccine for one of the kids of the bunker.  Pneumonia can kill people and Salazar is just of the mindset of, "Isolate the girl."  The bunker is a closed containment.   Unless meds are found, they would have to abandon base and leave those sick to DIE.  Sending a small, armed team in LOUD ASS hummers.   El Caminos equipped with clown horns, blaring Slayer and firing off shotguns might be a tad more subtle.

Just from a bio-hazard standing, they really need to clear some of those dead they have already capped.  Rotten bodies less than 50 yards from your crops?? That can't be good.

With a field trip back to Whittendale University, the team must find the meds and find something along the way.   Creeper Max as a zed, yet not.  Hmm, he still retains some memory as a person...a creeper person but a person nonetheless.

Convinced in creating a cure from Max's blood, Zoe puts the whole compound in danger with the mere hope of a better tomorrow.

A few points about this movie and yes I feel my mom's quote is rather valid. " Yes, zombie movies need more rapes so says the producer assholes. "  I find myself agreeing every time.   Aside from the crux of it necessary for a rape revenge story, it is tedious to see in every apocalypse film, dark sci-fi and planet ender.  Just raises the lack of conscious in film.   Look, you already have a swarming entity making a joint effort to turn you into people buffet, must we have a typical scumbag response to "the rules no longer apply," as well?

The practical gore gags injunction with the CGI blood and practical bladders is well balanced. Excellent handheld steady cams, good fixed camera angles and decent suspense music pouring in, setting the tone.  

 With a budget of 8 million and shot in Bulgaria, this is the essence of Day of the Dead without Salazar really slipping into Rhodes' territory.  You don't see a fraction of the military vs civvies from the original.   Guess they couldn't find a dude as cold as Joe Pilato's portrayal or they wanted to humanize the military.   God forbid, right?

That being said, this is filled with the current zombie tropes of fast paced zombies, humans constantly arguing GIVING AWAY their positions so no noise discipline and not enough muzzle discipline or for that matter, melee weapons instead of gunplay.

It can also be argued that Zoe's looking to save humanity means leaping out of her comfort zone, dealing with what is left of Max is actually decent story telling. It just wasn't executed to the levels it could have been. Better than the 2008 version but yes, it has its flaws.

Segregation is still rude, folks.

Jim Wynorski Week: The Wasp Woman

Welcome back everyone and we are into another Jim Wynorski film. As said yesterday, I have not given a fair shake to the director/writer/producer/actor so I will attempt my objectivity. Today we get take a gander at a remake of Roger Corman's metamorph character of an aging woman unable to struggle against the ravages of age, desperate for a change. This is The Wasp Woman.

This suit itches.  Big time.

A model who as built up her own cosmetics firm and always model the advertisement but now she has reached the ripe era of her forties. Janice Starlin (Jennifer Rubin of A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Bad Dreams, The Doors, The Crush, Full Eclipse, Saints and Sinners, Screamers, Last Lives, Fatal Conflict and Amazons and Gladiators) at her wit's end with her investors insistent for her to step aside in view of a much younger model as the face of the company. Desperate to maintain her status she seeks the services of a scientist Dr. Eric Zinthrop (Daniel J. Travanti of General Hospital, Hill Street Blues, Missing Persons, Just Cause, Poltergeist: The Legacy, Boss and NCIS: Los Angeles) has an experimental treatment that he claims can turn back the clock.

My boobs and I are here to see you.

 

 Familiar face from Janice's assistant Mary (Melissa Brasselle of Sorceress, Body Chemistry 4: Full Exposure, Raptor, Cheerleader Massacre, Treasure Hunt, The Curse of the Komodo and Vampire in Vegas) and her board of directors John (John Henry Richardson of Evil Spawn, Terror Night, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Out of Time, Alienator, Cybernator, Vice Academy 3, The Wasp Woman, Vice Academy 4, Victim of Desires and Treasure Hunt) and Arthur (Gerrit Graham of Cannonball!, Demon Seed, Used Cars, The Annihilators, Chopping Mall, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege and C.H.U.D. II- Bud the Chud) so that got a bit of a snicker out of me seeing Bud the CHUD in a suit. The suits want to bring in a bubbly blonde Caitlin (Maria Ford of Masque of the Red Death, The Haunting of Morella, Slumber Party Massacre III, Mind Twister, Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans and Perfect Fit) to be the new face and Janice clamps her face with a polite smile. Dr. Zinthrop states his formula has not been perfected to the level of human trials yet but Janice threatens to pull his funding if he doesn't.

Just the tip, sweetie. Just the tip.

 

Cut to a few days later and her age has slimmed down (less age make-up) and Janice is stunning once more. Fresh faced and her energy levels are that of a twenty year old. The board confused but impressed as she proceeds to work her way through the photographer, makeup guy and the board have been taught a lethal lesson. She proceeds to morph into a wasp herself.

Will the mutation go more rampant??? Can anyone stop Janice??? Why doesn't the LAPD have a special weapons division??




Okay let's talk about the practical effects in the film. The old lady make up showed through a bit so I was a bit annoyed with that but let's dig down and love on the body suit they built for Jennifer Rubin. Illustrator/sculptor/model builder Greg Aronowitz (Meet the Applegates, Spaced Invaders, Dinosaurs, Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, Critters 4 and Forever Young) made an impressive suit with compound eyes, a functioning mouth and a full body Wasp Queen creature and okay the body suit looks a bit lopsided due to the enormous head on it but the murderous wasp has cleavage on display that gave me a great laugh.

Yes this is an B-grade sci-fi exploitation, sexploitation kind of movie but you had that pretty well figured with this going into the film. Dialogue feels as though they hardly changed anything from the original 1960 screenplay but alter the lingo a bit but the same tongue-in-cheek gags are there. It operates on a fairly fast pace and not sure why we needed that much nudity or sex scenes but again I am not in charge. I had a blast sniggering and cackling my way through this but I do get why people defend it and view it as a good bad movie. I almost commented on IMDB in Dinosaur Island's defense but that was clarifying the difference between CGI and Stop motion.

Oh my, the girls are up there.

Erratic Viewings: Friday the 13th (2009)

Welcome back to Erratic Views Week...that isn't really a week planned persay. Well it is finally here. I am caving into this request and subjecting myself reprising to the horrors that is music video and feature film director Marcus Nispel (Janet Jackson: Design of a Decade 1986/1996, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Frankenstein, Pathfinder, Conan the Barbarian and Exeter). Allow me to elaborate. I sat the 2003 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and was bored to tears. Sadly the only upside to this movie was Jessica Biel in a wife beater undershirt in the rain maker. Yup, one sexist pig thought and that was its only redeeming value.   Conan wasn't bad.   Thought Momoa did a good job, Stephen Lang was a bit over the top but nothing was as tragic is accepting tiny Rose McGowan as a demonic sorceress. So with this all in mind, once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; This is Friday the 13^th.

So the rain soaking all yer bits? Sorry hun.

We flashback to the far past of 1980!!!! Why, they had payphones, Sony Walkmans and Atari 2600!

So we look on to primitive humanity as Pamela Vorhees (Nana Visitor of One Life to Live, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Dark Angel, Wildfire, The Resident and Torchwood) apparently has cleaned house and no Adrienne King to lop her head off. Or is there? Yeah so the last counselor is dealt with and mongoloid toddler Jason finds mom dead and then fade to modern day. Such story telling skills! Enter our collective twenty something chuckleheads!!!

Wade (Jonathan Sadowski of American Dreams, Pool Guys, She's the Man, Live Free or Die Hard, $#*! My Dad Says and Young & Hungry), Whitney (Amanda Righetti of Pipeline, Return to House on Haunted Hills, Role Models, Captain America: The First Avenger, The Mentalist and Colony), Richie (Ben Feldman of The Perfect Man, Cloverfield, Friday the 13^th, As Above, So Below, Silicon Valley and Superstore) Mike (Nick Mennell of My Little Eye, Halloween, The Lost Tribe, Friday the 13^th, Southland, Bad Parents and Crossbones) and Amanda (America Olivo of The Thirst: Blood War, Friday the 13^th, Neighbor, The Last Resort, Bitch Slap, Maniac, Chicago P.D. , Defiance and Mission: Impossible- Rogue Nation).

Well beats a potato sack, I suppose.

What is our trope troop doing out in these foreign and dangerous woods??? Looking for cannabis. Yup weed hunt. So they can score large quantities I guess. One of the doofs claims this is the best region for such and if he did so much research to that why the f*ck didn't he know about gruesome murders 30 years prior??!! Oh what's that? Oh he knows it happened and he got this all second hand. Brillant. The power of exposition tells us in a very half-assed way about a lone counselor took out Pamela, Jason got her eventually and no real even hint to why or how Jason rose from the dead.

So spoilers, the party gets butchered like pigs except Amanda because...she has a passing resemblance to mommy?? So clearly chain her up and keeps her forevers and evers. Yeah Jason's brain functions have always been in question but hey it's new?? Worry not guys, there's bouncing boobies. You're welcome.

I think Dean's not telling me everything.  I dunno.

Six weeks later, more cannon fodder comes to Crystal Lake to...screw...drink...smoke a spliff and die. Yeah I know I gave away the formula so carefully guarded all these years. Trent (Travis Van Winkle of Accepted, Transformers, Friday the 13^th and The Last Ship) and his buds all go to his parents' summer cabin for beer, bonding and bootyah!!! Ugh. Trent's lady friend Jenna (Danielle Panabaker of Sky High, Empire Falls, Piranha 3DD, Bones, Necessary Roughness, Justified, This Isn't Funny, Arrow and The Flash) encounters a strapping stork of a fellow name of Clay (Jared Padalecki of Gilmore Girls, Flight of the Phoenix, House of Wax, House of Fears, Supernatural, Friday the 13^th, Supernatural: The Animation and Phantom Boy) rocking his proper Sam Winchester hairdo and not his Prince Adam coif from House of Wax. Clay is out searching for his sister Whitney and I really wanted to help him but have not yet mastered the Bugs Bunny/She-Hulk/Deadpool breaking of the fourth wall so he will just have to settle for Jenna's help as she needed some air, be away from douchey boyfriend and aid others in their time of need. No offense to Winkle there but Sammy boy is vastly prettier.

Jason (Derek Mears of Cursed, The Hills Have Eyes II, Dragon Wars: D-War, Hellbinders, Predators, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Hatchet III, Grimm as the Krampus and True Blood) dispenses with the usual hide and go seek and gets right to doing our party goers in. Dinking around in the forest, Jenna and Clay head into the former Crystal Lake cabin area to see Jason dragging a body of which, you know you never really saw that much in the originals. You saw them propped up or tossed through a window or my favorite, strung up in a tree but yeah not a lot of the prop building seminar. Will Jenna and Clay make it out??? Can they find Whitney???

Okay the rants begin. So rather than the traditional Harry Manfredi music and given Michael Bay production, they went with the so-so composer Steve Jablonsky (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hitcher, Transformers, Dragon Wars: D-War, Gears of War 2, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Transformers: War for Cybertron and Battleship). So it's either hyper-testosterone driven FPS and third-person games or loads of horror remakes. The film itself is professionally done as in lighting, sound, editing and acting buuuuuut.... the story just feels like the first three original flicks dropped in a blender and hit frappe. No real story is explored, the dialogue is painful and these "characters" are for the most part one dimensional. It's Texas Chainsaw Recon all over again!!!! Actually Panabaker and Padalecki are the only ones with decent and feasible dialogue.

Loads of questions come to mind. Who killed Pamela?!? Why were these deaths in 1980 never investigated??? How has Jason's body somehow be preserved all this time?? How come the power company hasn't shut off the power to an long since abandoned summer camp? Where in the nine hells did he get the hockey mask!?! I saw no Shelly roaming around with a mask. Do the locals not believe in exorcising the lake or getting liquored up, grabbing rifles and shotguns going on a Vorhees hunt?? Why did the title appear 23 minutes into the film?! What about Scarecrow's brain!?! WHO THE HELL IS THE MUFFIN MAN!???!

Sadly our film was brought us by the writers of Freddy vs Jason. In acknowledgement of this suffering, I will be the better man and not give out their names nor will I google their home addresses for you to wreak deadly vengeance on them. Of course you could IMDB them by title alone and then google them but again, must be the better man. Okay rant ended.

Gurgle...