Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold

 Howdy Rotten Readers! Well I felt we could stay away from Horror and that means we're gonna dive into some more Blaxploitation. We will be heading back to the 6'2" heroine with a mean mule kick and dead eye aim. This is Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold. 

 

You're very tall, Rupaul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our amazonian agent Cleo Jones (Tamara Dobson of Cleopatra Jones of Fuzz, Cleopatra Jones, Murder at the World Series, Jason of Star Command, Buck Rogers in the 25^th Century, Chained Heat and Amazons) gets a call from her superiors about a couple of her fellow agents, the Johnson brothers, Matthew (Albert Popwell of The Peace Killers, Dirty Harry, Night Gallery, Fuzz, Search, Cleopatra Jones, Magnum Force, The Single Girls, The Enforcer, Steel Cowboy and Sudden Impact) and Melvin (Caro Kenyatta of Night Gallery, Trader Horn, Cleopatra Jones, The Young Nurses, Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold and Uncle Joe Shannon), from the first film have been captured by a notorious casino owner known as the Dragon Lady (Stella Stevens of Say One for Me, The Nutty Professor, The Silencers, The Poseidon Adventure, Adventures Beyond Belief, Down the Drain, Santa Barbara, The Terror Within II, Eye of the Stranger, South Beach, Little Devils: The Birth, Hard Drive, Molly & Gina and Illicit Dreams), a militant lesbian with world conquering objectives. Again another lesbian drug queen-pin. Yeah even Doctor Doom can't top that.

 

We get you Happy Ending, no sweat!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ms. Jones finds the boys were shanghaied in Hong Kong and she'll need local information. Ultimately she's looking for a guide and not a partner but she's getting both with Mi Ling (Ni Tien of Shui wei cai, My Darling Slaves, The Rat Catcher, Forbidden Tales of Two Cities, All in the Family, Wu qi bu you, Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold, Black Magic 2, Crocodile, Little Dragon Maiden and Edge of Darkness) also known as Tanny, Ling has the goods on the Dragon Lady in knowing her Macaoian casino is also importing heroin and distribution to the masses.

Cleo and Tanny whoop some serious ass in the infamous Walled City, working side by side like true partners cleaning out a den of scum and villainy.  No they're not in Mos Eisley. The best part of this is a bike gang joins them in their struggles in order to crash through the casino.

Most of the story unfolds like a Bond movie, minus Cleopatra isn't seducing women left and right. The violence levels as well as sex isn't anywhere near a Pam Grier flick. Dobson refused to do any nudity and overall the film feels like a spy drama than it did blaxploitation. As for as action and fighting is concerned, this movie ratchets up the drama. Solid gunfights and plenty of chase sequences. That even surpasses the original film. Stevens actually had some training with a sword. Take that Christopher Lambert!

 

 It's Cleo. Ms. Jones, if yer nasty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 We have enough martial arts in this flick to give it a Hong Kong Cinema vibe as well. The Shaw Brothers were heavily involved with our movie as they were WB's Hong Kong Kung Fu flicks go-to guys. To say it is a trifle confusing is like saying Ghengsis Khan was a bit adventurous.

Between bikes flying around as much as the lead being spewed, Cleo reminds the kids they aren't Evel Knievel. Maybe a bit of Steve McQueen via The Great Escape buuuut, more of the tossing a baseball at a wall rather than the bike stunts.

 

I still love that her previous handler Crawford (Dan Frazer of Take the Money and Run, Tick, Tick Tick, Fuzz, Cleopatra Jones and Deconstructing Harry) mattered so little (in spite of helping her in the first movie) that they don't even go into detail while he wasn't handling her case files anymore. Instead I got the best laugh when Mr. Roper (character actor Norman Fell of The Good Life, Love, American Style, The Heist, McCloud, Three's Company, Needles and Pins, Rabbit Test and The End)as Stanley Hagel. If he was any less hip, his pants would be around his ankles.

I was a little bummed that Mrs. Johnson (Esther Rolle of Nothing But a Man, The Bold Ones: The Senator, Who Says I Can't Ride a Rainbow!, Cleopatra Jones, Maude, Summer of My German Soldier, The Incredible Hulk and Good Times) wasn't a reprise. I mean her boys have been abducted for crying out loud!

The god awful silver eyeshadow Cleo wears has been dabbed on by Dobson rather than a proper makeup artist. No idea why that happened but it did. The film and its precursor was released on DVD by 2010. WB released it on an inferior version (looked like a conversion from VHS to DVD) in 2004. 

 

Hey man, this ain't L.A. Knock that off.

 

 

 

 

 

 Like many sequels they are deemed inferior to the predecessors. This film has enough going for it but I do understand why this didn't have the draw as the original did. Fast paced it may be, but the story felt a bit too close to the original and really lacked a cohesive story path of its own.

Maybe the audience wasn't digging the scene as there was a dip in blaxploitation by 1976. So The Mechanic and Dirty Harry series were more viewed? Cleo is not quite the anti-hero there so this could be the reason behind that standing. Overall I felt it could have benefited from a third movie to round out the series but due to the lack of ticket sales, WB just didn't see a third film was likely.

 

Fine, Mr. Roper. I'll smack Jack.

 

Memorial Valley Massacre

Hey gang. Hope you enjoyed that Jim Wynorski film last week because I have went off the beaten path and back into Public Domain Woods and I think I found something that smells worse than a dead and bloated skunk left under the floorboards of a cabin, last spring. With that graphic description done, I am perplexed to what I have as the alternative titles went a bit out there. So a slasher film in the deep woods here we go. This is Memorial Valley Massacre.

Must be a impotence commercial.

Ah, still love low budget horror feeling the words Massacre or Savage solves a crappy film. No, a script writer with enough savvy and brain cells does that. And luck would have it, we do have some alternative titles: Memorial Day, Valley of Death and Son of Sleepaway Camp. Yeah that last one doesn't even make sense. Angela had a son that now stalks the land? Spoiler! Angela's a boy.

This 1989 horror film has undertones of ecological ideals and the killer could be constrewn as Nature striking back in the same way that Jason Vorhees hates T&A, pre-martial sex, alcohol abuse and weed. I am concerned when the director Robert C. Hughes also brought to the screen Zadar! Cow from Hell and Lusty Liasons II. Yes, those titles are real movies.

A gaggle of folks are ready to go camping, boozing and getting all fleshy with one another. Yeah I don't recognize a single one of the kids. I'm convinced they actually kill off the cast. In fact, the only cast member I do know: Cameron Mitchell is hardly even in it as a greedy land developer. A dead worker and dead dog convinces him to shut down the works but hey these campers are more than welcome to try their luck.

Mitchell takes off leaving his son David (Mark Mears) to handle the project and then just takes off. Seriously Cameron Mitchell is not even in the rest of the film. Probably drank himself to sleep for the rest of the shoot.

Not since Easy Rider have there been such mean motor scooters.

We're treated to a zany montage of campers pitching tents with wacky sound effects, bumbling people and if these white people start dancing, I am calling up Jason Vorhees to go to town on them. Someone needs to be stumped to death. For those unaware of this particular maneuver, Vorhees grabs the camper and impales them by forcing their torso on a stump. Perhaps I need a better technical term.

Let's talk about the biggest let down, the killer. The reveal is far too soon and much like the porno money shot, once it happens it is kind of a drag. Five minutes into the movie and Mongo Cromagnon appears. Looks like he scalped Nikki Six in 80s Motley Crue era, glued it to his head and he roams around the campgrounds. Monkeyboy or Hermit as that is what he is tagged via IMDB (John Caso) is irked that people walk about his forest and he proceeds to lash out! By that, he breaks a few windows in the camper trailers and grunts a lot.

Two rangers patrol this whole area of which is Gold Creek Ranch. Ordinarily I would be losing my crap but it is only 160 acres which tabulates to about a quarter of a mile so yeah not really the hot bed of activity I thought it was going to be. I think Crystal Lake covers more mileage. Okay enough Friday the 13^th references I swear.

A rough and tumble biker gang makes their way to the camp grounds and... okay they are as butch as an champion ice skater's partner. I was more intimidated by the bikers in Friday the 13^th in 3D when they harassed Shelly. (Okay that was the last Friday the 13^th reference!).

Wet T-shirt strikes! Meh.

Oh no, motherf**king snakes on my motherf**king camp food! Well that puts a damper on the great outdoors...that has things of nature. Who knew Oscar Meyer could attract so many reptiles.

Naturally this puts off some of the campers and they bail. Like in the next 20 minutes. Okay, don't expect to get your parking fee back. I am certain there were signs up saying: Don't bring crappy processed food to the woods.

The horny campers are looking to make time but the camera can't stay in focus so I guess they have to die instead. I really can't understand why this film isn't properly blocked. Maybe the cameraman was sleeping off the booze he split with Cameron Mitchell, this is his first time filming or he is just really crap at his job. Holy crap! Conan's dad is on the set. William Smith has a ridiculously large filmography ranging from stunts, action films, dude studied Kung Fu, Kenpo and Karate since he was a kid. A body builder and is fluent in at least seven languages. The hell you doing in Memorial Valley Massacre??!! Oh right, working actor. Got it.

Heavens, there's rain! Yeah rude, annoying portly guy on a three wheeler gets his neck snapped. Ohhh graphic. Billy's beheading in Silent Night, Deadly Night of the sledding victim was impressive. This? Not so much. And you know what makes a scary movie? Ghost stories told to adults. Yeah riveting. About as suspenseful as getting your oil changed at a Jiffy Lube. Dear God, will they include sales tax in the final price??!! I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!

Don't fret, fellas. There is some nudity. Yes that age old question, "Will there be titty?" We got you covered. Dear God, can I go through one slasher film review without being asked that? I know not.

So we do have some night time attacks and they are done well. For some reason this version has clips of hardcore pornography. I am not even kidding. I am just glad I didn't video review this because I would have to black box these clips. Stay classy movie.

A bear discovers Fatty McGee and they actually called the cops in the middle of the film. Of course, all they do is get the paramedics in to move Tons of Not So Fun and tell them that the killer bear is out of their jurisdiction and they won't be able to get more help finding him until the middle of the week. So maybe tell the campers to go home could be a priority...or not? Do you want tourist money in more? Close the beaches? Get Matt Hooper of Bears out here? Maybe they were going for another sequel to Grizzly. One that was actually finished that is.

Head Ranger (still the most filthiest title) decides to hunt down the bear as they are convinced he is the killer. That is profiling dammit! I won't stand for it. The campers are informed of the bear attack and rather the sensible idea of getting the hell out of Dodge, many of them are volunteering to go hunt the beer down. Welp, grabbed a twelve pack and a rifle. I'm sure it can only end well. In tears and dumb redneck deaths. Psst token black guys, leave the camp! ASAP! PDQ!

So to recap, we have ghost stories, slapstick, half-assed kills, wet t-shirts in the rain, a random bear and hardcore porn. The hell am I watching?

Ultimately this hodge podge film has no real direction, the characters are so one dimensional you couldn't be moved to care if they die and forget story arc. That ship sailed long ago. There is better film on a dead man's eyes. Sickel & Ebert wouldn't give this film the finger, let alone a thumbs up.

Eddie Deezen is Glenn Danzig in Monkey Boy of Doom.

Hidden Gem: Blood Tide

Howdy readers. So racking my brain on what to view and I just decided on a coin toss and a RETURN TO PUBLIC DOMAIN. Yes the Public Domain roulette can be deadly to one's sanity or it can entertain on many levels. Did I reach in a septic tank and find a plum? Well it wouldn't matter. The hygiene and health issues alone sound too awful to begin to speculate. What do you get with a Playboy playmate, the voice of Darth Vader and a sea monster? This is Blood Tide

Right now she is thinking, "I should have jumped Marko's bones.

Writer/director Richard Jefferies (Bloodtide, 14 Going on 30, Scarecrows, The Vagrant, Man of the House and Cold Creek Manor) is an English director, filming in Greece with American actors. Should be fun. This film just boast treasures, adventures, a monster and sacrificing innocent virgins and wonder of wonders, it is a Also Known As with alternative titles like: Blood Tide, Demon's Island, The Red Tide and Demon Island.

With a booming voice over, we know now that thousands of years ago life was an eternal struggle for good and evil. A creature haunted the Aegean Sea. Only with the sacrifice of virgins, appeased the beast. Guess Hercules left this part of Greece alone to keep chucking attractive women to an sea beast. You suck Herc!  Treated like an everyday occurrence, they sent out on a small raft like a buffet conveyor belt from an Automat; and are given a coin in the mouth to bid farewell to the mortal realm and Lord Charon, ferryman of the dead safe passage to the other side. Worry not sexist pig types that read this, the sacrifices are at least topless.

Not the best transition as we don't hear a blood curdling scream or see blood spraying the caves but modern time (well for 1982) as a speedboat makes some chop in the water, a happily newlywed couple Neil (Martin Kove of Last House on the Left, Death Race 2000, The Karate Kid, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Cagney & Lacey, Black Scorpion, Black Scorpion Returns and Revamped) and Sherry (Mary Louise Weller of Serpico, Kojak, Hunters of the Reef, National Lampoon's Animal House, Starsky and Hutch, Supertrain, The Bell Jar and Vega$) Grice, vacationing on their honeymoon. A pleasant enough synthesizer intro for our couple and their 80s hair has been coifed just so. Think it's freeze dried from all the mousse. 

Nero the Hero vacations!

 They're stopping off to look for Neil's sister, Madeline (Deborah Shelton of of Fantasy Island, The Fall Guy, The A-Team, The Yellow Rose, Body Double, Dallas, Nemesis and Silk Degrees) as she has been missing or simply out of contact for four months. Neil and Sherry seem to be in a constant state of next to no clothing on. This is pre-boner pills so maybe they have to work more at it.

Wise old man/mayor Nereus (Jose Ferrer of Cyrano de Bergerac, Moulin Rouge, The Great Man, Dune, Seduced, Covenant, Blood & Orchids, The Love Boat and Newhart) is the voice of the movie similar to Donald Pleasance's portrayal of Dr. Loomis in Halloween, and similar to another Donald Pleasance film; Land of the Minotaur, the villagers are next to useless for Neil's questions.  I was waiting for Greek Crazy Ralph to appear and scream about death curses and how all was doomed. Hey I am just thrilled night shots are actual night shots and not that horrible day for night filter.

Neil encounters Shakespearean spouting, hard drinking and wealth obsessed Frye (James Earl Jones of Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, The Great White Hope, Claudine, The Greatest, Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope, Exorcist II: The Heretic, Paris, The Flight of Dragons, Conan the Barbarian, Soul Man, Coming to America, Field of Dreams and Star Wars: Rogue One) and by encounter I mean he gets a butcher knife drawn to his throat and a look of a man willing to slash another from ear to ear. Y'know, a warm fella.  Did appreciate the Othello quotes though.

This is CNN...

Big sister seems barely lucid one moment and a bit snarky the next. Could be a dark and ominous portent or she could be high as a kite. Who can say. Embrace the possibilities.

Overtly jiggly and giggly Barbara or "Babs" (Lynda Cornell of Steel, Bloodtide, The Dukes of Hazzard, Too Close for Comfort, The Love Boat, Hotel, T.J. Hooker and Hunter) is giving the text book definition of dumb blonde. Turns out Frye is working to build up a substantial treasure find but those pesky kids he hired disturbed the ancient slumber of the beast.

With the whole town in a panic, Nereus speaks of the old ways of dealing with the creature. Yeah the lobbing virgin girls to the beast idea.

What we is a standard creature of legend story arc, some set of family values and the cliche greedy treasure hunters. The script is fair, the action is decent and the overall performances are quite good. The padding of the film however, is a bit long. Almost feels like they didn't really know what tempo to run it at so it does drag in places.

I was a little disappointed in the monster. Even some of the creatures of Danger on Tiki Island looked more believable and the premise is a bit similar. Perhaps with some additional POV shark like shots would have helped. I couldn't say. The creature's growl or sound effects sounded like someone walking in either a vat of grapes or jumping up and down in a crate of oranges.

Overall, it was enjoyable and is only an hour and a half. The fact that it was in public domain and I hadn't heard anything of it, makes this a find.  This can be found in public domain as well as my old buddies via Mill Creek Entertainment on one of their many 20 to 100 title launches.

POV of the Damned!!!

Hulk Vs

Hey folks back some more. Well after the illuminating film, Beaster Day I decided I wanted some more superhero viewing. Avengers: Endgame is up and running but yeah gonna be hard to take screenshots of that. So why not hit an animated film with at least two Avengers and maybe a runty X-Man too? With droves of devastation, mass smack downs and more that a few furious roars, today's film is coming at you. This is Hulk Vs.

Hulk say you not Idris Elba!!

What is a two-part story line of Hulk's many forays out and about from his gargantuan leaps, Hulk makes his way into Asgard. All Father Odin, King of Asgard, the light of the Nine Realms and the life's blood of Asgard must sleep for the winter in order to replenish the realm and bring forth a bountiful harvest and give power back to the lands. Well into the Odinsleep, the realm is less protected and gets lumped onto Odinson, Thor (Matthew Wolf of Family Affairs, Shelf Life, Fable, Samurai Warriors 2, I Shouldn't Be Alive, Call of Duty 3, BladeStorm: Hundred Years War, Rambo and Big Red), his friends the Warriors Three and Lady Sif (Grey Griffin of Star Wars: Jedi Knight- Jedi Academy, Looney Tunes: Reality Check, The Powerpuff Girls, Doom 3, Johnny Bravo, Ultimate Avengers, Xiaolin Showdown, X-Men: The Official Game and Batman: Arkham City) to keep things in check.

Isn't that Hulk pimp slapping Not Idris Elba around?

 As any good Thor fan is aware of.   Dear adopted brother Loki is plotting and scheming as per usual, so enter the Hulk who will no doubt be duped or mind controlled into doing Loki's bidding.

The green goliath is voiced by Fred Tatasciore (Avengers Assemble, Batman Ninja, Guardians of the Galaxy, Lego DC Super Hero Girls: Super-Villain High, The Loud House, Lost in Oz, DC Super Hero Girls: Legends of Atlantis, Marvel Powers United VR and DuckTales) and brother the Golden Realm is in for a serious real estate overhaul when Hulk is in full-on "Smash mode".

As predicted, Loki takes over Hulk and proceeds to go sick house on Asgard when Thor and Mjornir crack open a 36 pack of whoop ass and then...PLACE YOUR BETS!!! Prince of Asgard vs the Jade Giant! Fear not for the realm but pity the masons that have to do this massive repair job. I wouldn't wish that gig on anyone. Hey, does the All Father approve of O.T.? Things like that keep me up at night, huh? So what do you get? 12 solid minutes of a brutal match between Loki controlled Hulk and Thor.

Of course, dullard that Loki is, he's fueling Hulk's rage. Y'know, like dropping wood into a forest fire and then following it up with napalm. For those not getting this analogy, that's bad. Important safety tip there. Don't do any of that. Well the local landscape, architecture and maybe a random sheep are getting squashed, smashed and crushed. Even better news, no Loki or Banner to reign Hulk in...there's no end to his rage. So yeah that's gonna go well.

Permit me to take you to "Funkytown", mortal.

The day is done and Banner has given more than any of us will ever know. Primarily because we are not selfless fictional characters. Onto a realm filled with darkness, primitives and maple syrup. I speak none other than the feared region known as...Canada!!! A virtual Savage Land and... okay all kidding aside, why does most of America have issues with Canada? I'm clueless on this one.

Now we check in with one of my favorite antiheroes voiced by the talented Steve Blum (Wolverine and the X-Men, Superhero Squad, Cowboy Bebop, Cowboy Bebop: The Movie, Star Wars Rebels, Transformers: Robots in Disguise, Transformers: Rescue Bots and Let It Die), at 5'5", 300 lbs of Adamantium and all attitude, Wolverine. Yup, need a deep growly voice for this guy and brother Blum delivers. Well bub, he's the best there is at what he does. Too bad none of that is diplomacy or a deft hand at dealing with a raging beast that can clear most forest fires with a clap of his massive hands.

When Atomic Wedgies go horribly wrong!

Naturally we need a hero vs hero fight so off we go! Yup, this forest area is completely boned.

I mean just the large thump from 300 foot Hulk drop into the Earth, thunderclaps rocketing trees willy nilly and oh yeah smacking a midget with claws through trees, boulders and skipping him like a stone in the lakes. Wolvie has been dispatched by Department H (it is unclear if he is still under Canadian Spec Ops still or not, definitely not Alpha Flight) as a town has been completely destroyed, innocents lost their lives and Hulk's scent is all over the place.

What will have here is two guys with buckets of stamina, rage issues and the need to put the hurt on the other. Seriously I don't think Logan has ever gotten along with Banner's alter ego ever.

Low and behold; an off the books Weapon X project is underway and gee, isn't that Sabertooth, the cyborg assassin Lady Deathstrike, the Soviet super-soldier Omega Red and the Merc with the Mouth Deadpool? Well these peepers rarely fail me, so yes it is.

Wolvie Revenge Force Activate!

Wel,l the professor that originally gave Logan bones and claws laced with adamantium wants Hulk and Wolverine for a new Weapon X project as soldiers. Yeah multiple PhD s and this doesn't sound stupid. Shockingly enough, Wolvie's sparring partners want him dead, gouge the prof and prepare to unleash a series of fatal ass whippings on Wolvie but he gets loose and gets to Banner. Oopsie Poopsie, Hulk very angry. Must have knocked Sabertooth about at least a mile. Deadpool bounced like a tennis ball, all the while Omega and Deathstrike are still trying to mix it up with Wolvie.

Not going to lie to you, not a huge fan of the artwork but both stories and voice cast easily make up for that. We have two substantial fights of epic proportion. And yes I loved Nolan North as Deadpool. He was killing me. Pew pew pew!! So at the end of this madness, I had two colossal, drag out battles worthy of wine and song. Thanks Marvel.

FYI, first cartoon flick we get to see Wolvie take the villains to claw town. Yup bunch of soldiers dressed like Hunks from Resident Evil get the sharp end of those blades and dammit, we need that now and again.

Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold

Hey folks. I am working this Monday and for those that didn't see their Instagram or Facebook, the lovely Laurene Landon sent me some 8x10 glossies and I thought that was incredibly awesome of her. So much so, I decided let's snag another Laurene Landon film. But what to choose? Hey! Here's a Western! I don't get to review Westerns often. This is Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold a.k.a. Yellow Hair and the Pecos Kid a.k.a.Yellow Hair & the Pecos Kid.

Um the mating dance commence?

Yay! Alternative titles give me the warm and fuzzies! Okay kids, we are back with director Matt Cimber (The Black 6, That Girl from Boston, Butterfly, Fake-Out, Hundra, Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold and Miriam) so we are in Spain again shooting an Italian director, so is this technically a Spaghetti Western? Our opening credits feels like a nod to Western serials from the 40s and 50s.

Yellow Hair (Laurene Landon of Hundra, Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold, Maniac Cop, Maniac Cop 2, 1313: Hercules Unbound!, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance and Syndicate Smasher) is a half breed Apache (Cue Gunsmoke intro music!) who travels with her faithful companion, the Pecos Kid (Producer/actor Ken Roberson of Rigged and Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold) have heard the legends of Mayan gold and set to go on an adventure in search of this elusive treasure. Mind you, Yellow Hair will have to bust Pecos out of the hoosegow before they can high tail it to the gold.

They have stiff competition such as a band of outlaws led by Flores (Aldo Sambrell of Shaft in Africa, the Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Voodoo black Exorcist,House of the Damned, The Black Pearl, Cabo Blanco and Last Harem), Colonel Torres (Luis Lorenzo of Waiting for Daddy, Children's War, Estudio 1, The Black Wolf, Revenge of the Black Wolf, National Adultery, Hundra and Eliminators) a ruthless, vicious tyrant as butch as an ice skater's partner and a plethora of Talupans, direct descendants of Aztec warriors (in Spain? Or are we in Mexico? Meh.) 

 

Italian Lee Van Cleef?  Nah.

Flores using a an antler carved with sigils and map runes, is well unto his way to finding the Lost City. Lotta lost empires and kingdoms, right? You notice this too? He and his crew are ambushed by the Talupans with a ton of rocks and spears. I'd point out they have the high ground and plenty of cover as well if needs be but Flores whips out his six shooter (the gun you pervs. I don't know the man's prowess) and starts a blastin'. We are treated to at least one Wilhelm scream, so yup official Western now.

With a ritual by the Talupan Indians as they sew a guy's eylids, hang him upside down and dunk him in molten gold like a chicken Mcnugget.   So perhaps not one for the kiddies.   Kinda get the vibe it was hoping to piggyback on Raiders of the Lost Ark or King Solomon's Mines.  Hey I think its story will merit its own following.

After bouncing Pecos around in his cell a bit, the Colonel is beside himself. Maybe a bucket of chicken would help. (Yeah cue the boos.)

Dave & Buster's of the Old West.

Yellow Hair's mother, Grey Cloud (Claudia Gravy of Rebels of Arizona, The New Spainards, The Nun and the Devil, Kilma, Queen of the Amazons, The Black Pearl, The Creature and A Dog Called...Vengeance) has basically raised both Yellow Hair and Pecos since they were small.

Yellow Hair is training against an Apache warrior and it's kind of intense. Thankfully unlike Charlton Heston in Arrowhead, you can root for her and not feel icky. And she did a Kirk double jump kick!

Half of these canyon shots, suddenly the theme song from Yor, Hunter of the Future popped in my head. Occupational hazard I guess.

Explosions, gunfights, fist fights fire fights on horseback! Near escapes from gatling gunfire!!

We got a lot going on as at least three parties trying to lay claim to the booty. The treasure. Not grabbing Yellow Hair's hinder. Trust me, she doesn't seem that forgiving for an ass slap. Really has a El Dorado gold hunt/Treasure of the Sierra Madre feel to it. Landon again does her stunts in this and let's face it, that is a lot of rock, gravel and next to no pads to land on.

She and Ken Roberson steal the scenes. Their chemistry is pretty solid and it works as a partnership. You almost see her having a kid brother relationship with Pecos but it could bloom into something else. Flores pays Grey Cloud a visit but she stuck him pretty good. Dude is a hot mess. Arrow wound to the leg, blade wound to the gut. It hasn't been a pleasant few days for him.

With a vengeance story underway, Yellow Hair seeks out Man Who Knows (Eduardo Fajardo o f Django, Maniac Mansion, The Shark Hunter, Nightmare City, Oasis of Zombies, Hundra and The Brother from Space) as he tells Yellow Hair the secret Grey Cloud held from her all these years. Will it bring new meaning to Yellow Hair's life? Will the foppish Colonel have his day? 

Read too many scathing reviews on IMDB just brow beating this movie. If you don't like it, fine. No need to make sound as viewing this film you sacrificed yourself to the film gods for the good of the fellow cinema goers. Personally? I have enjoyed the hell out of it. It a slow start for about 17 minutes but really starts kicking in the moment Laurene's on screen. A great musical score by composer Franco Piersanti (Tenerezza, The Spider Labyrinth, Open Doors, Corto Maltese, Don't Tell, The Caiman and The Missing Star) really sets the moods.

My copy hails from Mill Creek Entertainment. I know because the damn logo pops up every 8 minutes. This really needs a good Blu Ray release as well as Hundra. Make it a Landon Double Feature!

Periwinkle blue is working there, Yellow Hair.

Curse of the Komodo

And we are back. Well as I mentioned on Facebook, I wanted to see some more Jim Wynorski films, so we will journey through the jungles of some remote island (regions of California and Hawaii) and see what mischief we can get up into. In the Isla Damas, an unusually large reptile now roams these jungles. This is Curse of the Komodo.

The girls are "abreast" of the situation.

With a night time excursion into the jungles, a team of military men proceed in, unaware of what lurks in this forgotten region. Hanson(Ted Monte of Komodo vs. Cobra, Solar Flare, Bikini Royale, The Lair and Dire Wolf) are all that's left of the spec ops group because the creatures made them snack food in no time at all. Seriously, I think they may have doused themselves in barbecue sauce and went for the gullet.

Meeting up with Becky (Gloria-Anne Gilbert of Treasure Hunt, Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood, The Breastford Wives, Cry of the Winged Serpent), daughter of said genetic mad scientist, they can hide behind an electric fence. Just don't whiz on it. Moving on, Nathan Phipps (William Langlois of The Shooter, Tycus, Thy Neighbor's Wife, Cheerleader Massacre, Lost Treasure, Final Examination,The Curse of the Komodo and Bone Eater)and his assistant Dawn (Gail Thackray of Hard to Sorority House Massacre II, Hard to Die, Forbidden Games, Alien Escape, Sucker, Masseuse 3 and Revamped) contact the Naval Chief of the based in Hawaii(um wouldn't they be talking to a commander or higher?  Admitting ignorance of Naval Chain of Command) as their assignment was to create large quantities of food and not gigantic reptiles of mass destruction. 

Electric Lounge Lizard!

 The food effected them and caused them to grow.  Remember kiddies, genetic tampering is the new atomic mutations. It does everything.  Naturally the Komodos slurped down our military boys in no time and they want to bomb the island to avoid any investigation into this misappropriations of funds. Ze superweapons!

The Naval stock footage was a great idea and less time constraint to contend with trying to get a ton of permission vs.just a few aerial shots and then sets built.   Less hassle to ask for a fly by instead of trying to get onto a ship to shoot.

Meanwhile a casino heist just went down with Drake (Paul Logan of L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach, Stripper Wives, Savage Season, Way of the Vampire, The Vault, Vampire in Vegas and Mega Piranha) Tiffany (Rocky Demarco of Wasp Woman, Demolition High, The Assault, Agent Red, Cheerleader Massacre, Vampire in Vegas and Camel Spiders) and Reece(Cam Newlin ofThe Curse of the Komodo and The Village Barbershop) as they fled courtesy of a helicopter flight with pilot Jack. Hmm, is that Cherokee Jack I wonder.

With a raging storm that was explained happening prior, Jack has to land on the island for their own safety. Oh the irony there, Jack. I love how much of a control freak Drake is. Assuming the radio even worked, he is convinced their pilot will call in the Coast Guard. DUDE! He flew away three crooks. You think he can sidestep the Coast Guard and the local authorities looking into this theft? Oh they had a gun on me the whole time. Especially during the turbulence and that's why I still have a head.

Sir, shouldn't we have red shirts for this mission?

Yes fellow critics, I know. The muzzle flashes are CGI, the Komodo is CGI and yeah I noticed the Enfield Phipps carried was never bolt racked and was treated as semi-automatic instead. Boo hoo.

We can all lose our crap over M-16s being used instead of M4s if you like.

Was curious how evil seemed to get its comeuppance and I loved the disco light poles "electric fence" force field barrier. I know many of my critic brethren want to call this schlocky creature feature when I view it as harmless fun. Admittedly the saliva induced zombification was not explained but you can't have everything.

With the island teeming with komodo life, our thieves find themselves teaming up with the scientists and handymen in order to escape the island and avoid becoming komodo poops.

Not sure why midriffs needed to be seen but Rocky Demarco is clearly crunching those abs. Will our intrepid bunch avoid the super mutations? Will Drake continue to be a control freak? Will Becky fulfill her nudity clause?

There is a conglomerate of pretty faces being attacked by a CGI monster, government cover-up and weapons left on infinite ammo mode. And you point is what? Okay so it's not Gone with the Wind. I'm glad for that. With some mild nudity, occasional foul language, these folk are shooting at tennis balls. Not really smacking each other around, just some meager bitching among the menfolk. Oh yeah, the pissing and moaning is all the guys.

So yes. Have fun with this one. Have maybe a riffing party, drinking game on tropes or just kick back and enjoy a bit of mindless violence. It's all good either way.

She finds Tiffany quite "titillating".

Rotten Reelz Reviews Audio Review #46: Tremors

THE VOTE WAS CAST!!!  So apparently folks wanted to see my take on Tremors rather than Subspecies 2.  Either that or they could completely pass on seeing Radu drool some more.

 

 Enjoy audio review of Tremors.

Tremors

Forgotten Fantasy: Throne of Fire

Day 4 of Forgotten Fantasy is upon us and brilliantly I found a film that would look very much like an Italian Sci-Fi Fantasy. NooOOOOOOOOO!!!! Well who knows. Maybe this time around I will be blessed with a forgotten gem of cinema rather than a wretched turd. This is The Throne of Fire.

Stagehand poked me in the butt with a stick.

Helming this magnificent piece of moving pictures is writer/director Franco Prosperi (The Evil Eye, Slave of Rome, Hercules in the Haunted World, Unbelievable Adventures of Italians in Russia, Ripped-Off, The Funny Face of the Godfather and Meet Him and Die). The film opens with Belial snatching up a widow for his demon offspring. No we don't see any forceful rape scene so thank God for that. And then fade to opening credits. Seems a bit rushed but hey if it makes the movie quicker, you can hit the fast forward button for me too, Film. I promise I can make up a more entertaining feature. While the demon's bride is forced to give birth in the woods in a spooky cave probably containing Cave Dwellers and Trumpy from Pod People, Seigfried (Yeah I didn't just make that up) got a castle but worry not, next to no draft thanks to glass windows of plenty...well minus the stonework and all the fireplaces. It is Morak's destiny to sit of the coveted Throne of Fire. Crafted by Odin himself for a succession of kings. At least that is what they are telling us.

Cut some warriors fresh from the Renn Faire as no one has a uniform or armor matching one another. They are a motley crew with no Tommy Lee in sight they slaughter a nearby village and burn it to the ground. Some of the farmers sought to attack these bandits by gathering in the woods for a surprise attack. Yeah you can guess how well that went. They had plenty of time to defend themselves with the bandits coming in with a slo mo dramatic fashion. Maybe 8 archers and the whole lot would have been dropped. So intense is this pillaging they use archers with flaming arrows stock footage twice.

The taking of Clarinda Iowa!

A little over fourteen minutes in to the flick and not so much as a title card announcing 18 or 20 years later as Morak (Harrison Muller of 2020 Texas Gladiators, She, The Violent Breed, The Final Executioner, Miami Cops and Getting Even) is a grown man. Looking exactly like his father...played by the same actor only with a beard this time! The village next to be razzed was concealing the lovely and deadly Warrior Princess Valkari (Sabrina Siani of White Cannibal Queen, Cannibal Terror, College Girl on Vacation, 2020 Texas Gladiators, Ator, the Fighting Eagle, Conquest and Cobra nero) whom Morak vows to marry and make his dark bride. FYI, Morak's captain of the guards is voiced by Edward Mannix. IMDB missed it as he was uncredited.

Um it is a bit breezy in my loincloth.

Our protagonist Siegfried (Pietro Torrisi of Gunan, King of the Barbarians, Popeye, The Sword of the Barbarians,S.P.Q.R.: 2,000 and a Half Years Ago and Gemanikus) knows nothing of tigers or a fellow named Roy but in fact seems to be a hairy chested oiled up warrior invulnerable to harm, has a steadfast sword arm and proclaims that he and he alone will challenge the son of Satan's messenger, Belial to combat. Did I mention he is vulnerable to fire?

Can Siegfried manage Morak? Will Valkari be forced to marry the half demon??

Okay well slow motion dramatic entrances aside, this camera work was painful. Blocking your actor into frame is tough if you don't know how, transition shots of the fade and return and more jump cuts for bounding around or being turned invisible was a literal headache for yours truly. 35 mm Techniscope isn't a bad system but for God's sake put a damn stabilizer on that if you can't a tripod. The pans and zooms were worse as they would not stay in focus. Creature and ghost effects were solar mirror or projection which have a decent enough look to them.  So no oodles of nudity, forced bisexuality but a lot of greased up men in loin cloths.

 Cranked out to 89 minutes you have a pretty standard plot of good vs evil, the practical wound effects are fair, the story idea itself was clever and overall not a bad film. Yes I was very surprised I would enjoy this. It's the Seven Magnificent Warriors all over again. Still confused to why the heroes all wear animal skins and not armor but whatever. 

So shaven or beard?  What do you think?

Jim Wynorski Week: Vampire in Vegas

Howdy all. I'm back with even more rations of Wynorski films. On today's schedule you will all be transported to Sin City itself, the land of glitz, glimmer, glam and gambling. Where the house always wins and the suckers should have folded.  Don't worry, we won't have to deal with the likes of Bugsy Segal. No instead howzabout a 300 year old vampire calling out that same old tune, "Baby Why Can't I See the Sun." You know this old chestnut, when mysticism and alchemy have failed, it's time for science. This is Vampire in Vegas.

Hate the DMV.  They are so slow.

 I also love the alternative title for the French distribution, Dark Evil. A lot of thought was poured into that one. That's like naming one of the Friday the 13^th sequels, Sharp Stabby. Moving along, we hear the narrative of that spine tingling baritone voice that can be mistaken for the Grim Reaper, Tony Todd (Platoon, Candyman, Minotaur, Hatchet, Nite Tales: The Movie, The Thirst: Blood War, Hatchet II, 24, Marvel Super Hero Squad Online, Chuck and Jack the Reaper) is Sylvian, a 300 year old vampire that once roamed the lands with a nomadic tribe of vampires called the Xandars...possibly Xandau but who can say?   He grows tired of the one major drawback to vampirism which is, never seeing the sun. He's a lone wolf and kills on his own but only because his tribe was wiped out by the ancient Hungarian armies. Puts a real damper on your evenings. Why doesn't he just make his own scourge (group of vampires, also called a kiss or coven) and bring his own clan to reek havoc on the humans? Yeah not really his bag.Yet.

He seeks out a biochemist Dr. VanHelm (Delia Sheppard of Witchcraft II: The Temptress, Young Rebels, Sexbomb, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Haunting Fear, Rocky V, Roots of Evil and Animal Instincts) to do what he cannot, which is to make him immune to sunlight so he may once again lead more than a half-life. A couple camping out in the desert (are safe from Jason Vorhees because they are nowhere near Camp Crystal Lake, fake New York or space) hear screaming in the day for night shots, get out of their tent to Scooby investigate to see three women bound and burning at the stake. They do the smart thing and call it in to the cops. Sylvian grows weary of these failed experiments and tired of using his newly made children as guinea pigs for this botched attempt give him power to withstand the sun. An ultimatum is given to Dr. VanHelm of three days to fix the mistake or their working relationship is null and void.

Ugh hurry up.  Gettin ze boobie burn.

Now how about a tepid sex scene? The R&B was enjoyable though. Jason (Edward Spivak of The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman, Vampire in Vegas, Slacker P.I., The Art of War III: Retribution and A Hero's Unsung Dignity)and Rachel (Soyna Joy Sims of Camp Blood 2, Trauco's Daughter, English For All, Reflections of Evil, Gilmore Girls and A Coat of Snow) are newly engaged, set for the nuptials as Jason goes out for one more time of "freedom" via bachelor party weekend. Yup, his boys can't stand to see him whipped i.e.happy with the girl in his life.

City Slickers 3: Vegas or Bust.

Detective O' Hara (GiGi Erneta of She's No Angel, Burning Desires, Project Viper, Cheerleader Massacre, The Insatiable, Dusk and Vampire in Vegas) and Detective Stanton (Ted Monte of Silence of the Lambs, Treasure Hunt, The Curse of the Komodo, Glass Trap, Komodo vs. Cobra, Solar Flare, Turbulent Skies and Super Shark) are on the case of three crispy cuties and things seem a little weird. Will Jason get Rachel?? Will Sylvian touch daylight?? Will I stop this bat-tastic gag??

A few comments. Forensic lingo aside, the take on the crime scene wasn't bad, although everyone should have been wearing their little booties and find some way to block the wind on evidence.

They put that lovely Melissa Brasselle in a blonde wig.  Shame on the lot of you. On that note, I really didn't complain about the slutty outfit so back to being a pig apparently. The scenes with solid bodies and augmented chests are surprisingly no nudity. Seemed a tad odd to do that for a strip club scene but I am not in charge and maybe they were going for a wider audience as the swearing isn't anything you wouldn't be stunned with. Todd looks like he is having too much fun this time under the fangs and is a bit silly in his role. Also you will absolutely love the vampire expert/weaponeer/mechanic. The dude's delivery is so damn funny as he is serious brandishing different wooden stakes, telling the best penetration, his garlic syrup gag and even some pump action water guns naturally fitted with holy water.

Spotted Paul Logan again so that is three Wynorski films I have seen him now and Roger Corman and Jim Wynorski regular Jeff Rector. By the by, watch Jeff Rector's Revamped and see how many people you recognize in it. It will crack you up.

Well she clearly does crunches.