Werewolf Week: Half Moon

A big hi there to all intelligent life and as for the rest of you, the secret is to bang the rocks together.  Welcome to Day 4 of Werewolf Week brings us to yet another indy that thankfully has heard of camera stabilizers, provides a decent enough story and humanizes its characters.  Is it one for the kiddies?  Well considering it is a tale of the prostitute and the werewolf I am going with no on that one.  With a minuscule budget, very few well known names and an adult actress as a lead most would put this in the soft core rating and call it a day but hold people, this has a plot.  This is Half Moon.

Sorry, floated an air biscuit.  Apologies.

Amusingly enough our story is actually in L.A. as our writer/director Jason Toler takes us out on the hunt via the mean streets with a series of young ladies of the night making ends meet and hopefully their "Johns" won't be psychotic or homicidal when the rumor mill is talking about girls going with a fella and winding up dead.    Two girls are peddling their wares as they chat.  Tammy (Adult actress Nicki Hunter) explains about this client she sees every so often is into a little bondage, passionate and all in all a gentleman.  She watches out for her friend Rose (Adult actress Tori Black) in the hopes that her naivety doesn't get her killed when Tammy gets picked up off the street by a cop.  Rose scared to be alone tonight but knows she has to make her quota for her pimp takes Tammy's gig and hopes for the best.

Gonna be at least $350 if the film crew is gonna watch.

She meets Jacob (Marek Matousek of In with Thieves, Never on Sunday, American Fetish, The Brazen Bull and Pulse of the Indigo) a tall drink of water that as an air of refinement, charisma and taste.  Rose is confused on how this man would ever need a hooker when his charm could seduce even the most frigid of ice queens.    He pays up front for the night, has room service brought in and simply converses with the girl.    Their interaction of course leads to a tame love scene with little to no nudity.  Rose goes to clean herself up when she spies a small satchel with zip ties, rope and tranquilizers leading her to believe this is the killer.     Can Rose get away in time?  Will her pimp demand money from her as she narrowly escapes with her life?  Will Jacob track and hunt her down?

A few words on the film itself.  Being an indy production our director had the right idea in scooping up girls that do not have an issue with nudity.  Using the residing neighborhood and a stage set which doubles as a haunted house once a year worked well as most of the scenes the budget is workable and I was actually pleasantly surprised at the chemistry of Tori and Marek. This film is primarily dialogue driven and sets a nice steady pace with a bit of exposition but moves nice and even.  This is actually little to no gore and the love scene's nudity is light as well.

Admittedly going into this film I am expect the cliches of rampaging beast slays hookers as some sort of easy prey, hooker barely gets away and teams up with cop/werewolf hunter and blah blah blah and this is nothing of that sort at all.  A simple story of a cursed man meeting a lost girl and there in lies a moment of connections of both heart and body.

 Unlike yesterday's shaky cam seizure inducing deluxe, our crew know their jobs, the lines, sound and lighting.  Some decent hand held, little bit of tri-pod and studio camera.   I cannot believe I am writing this but this was actually an enjoyable movie and I hope Tori gets some more movie roles.

Behold! The dangers of masturbation!!! Hairy everything!

Werewolf Week: Werewolf: The Devil's Hound

Welcome back again fellow fans of film and enjoy Day 3 of Werewolf Week.  (There wolf.  There castle.)   Looking at the cover of this flick and the title alone it sounds like it may be worthwhile but this little white duck has been down this creek so many times I am a trifle jaded so let's put on the elephant enema gloves, a gas mask and painter's coveralls then tackle this movie house masterpiece.  This is Werewolf: The Devil's Hound a.k.a. Lycan.

Dad pants show off a competent hunter!

Our opus opens with three guys looking like they are on an outing for airsoft when they are attacked by choppy camera work attempting to give a fast zoom effect with no stabilizer or the ability to undercrank the film by 1/4 its speed.  Looks like it is shot on HD handheld for picnics and family outtings.   Our elite cadre of werewolf trackers/hunters tranq the creature in someone's backyard.  The filming locations claim Conneticut had to put up with this gathering of summer stock rejects that project too loudly and are as subtle at staring at the camera as much as the cast of Sleepaway Camp III.    After the great white hunt, our trackers UPS the critter in the box and airship it to the states from the remote areas of suburban Europe?   Next time get a more believable house and guys that can do accents please.


Our story is mostly revolving around a young pyrotechnician named Kevin (Michael Dionne of Crippled Creek, Whirlygirl, Blood Descendants and Little Soldier) who is happily married and loves his job.   Apparently he and his buddy are repairing these fairly made prosthetic park droids and their fireworks rigs that got smashed by the Vandals??  That band isn't struggling for headlines that much, are they?   So racist phone call later as Kevin's wife Liz (Jennifer Marsella of Werewolf: The Devil's Hound) calls Chinese firecracker specialists and you know they are Chinese thanks to the mandolin music in their warehouse or I might have mistaken them for Puerto Ricans.  This film drags for about an hour after werewolf wench scratches little Kevin and we go for an hour of strobing and flashing with fast zoom camera effects to kill just about any photophobic.

Your breath smells like Beer Nuts. Go away.

The band of supernatural paramilitary hunters with as much training as a gaggle of ten years old playing war have subject us to exposition, back story, crappy accents and more prat falls than a Stooges marathon.  The creature transformation has enough post production effects to drive a photophobic into a coma.  Personally, I thought I was going to yack on the keyboard.


Complaints about the film at this time.  This isn't even shot on 35 mm HD, just a format for home movies.  They know next to nothing about lighting, I hear more wind than dialogue so no sock for the boom mic and our terrifying werewolf vixen was wearing sneakers in more than a couple of shots.  Nice blocking, doofus. Directors/writers Gregory C. Parker and Christian Pindar could benefit from some technical experience on a film or TV set or heck, here's a nutty idea.  GO TO FILM SCHOOL, JACKASSES!!!

 
The stunts are less credible than a backyard wrestling fiasco and my head is nicely throbbing from the half assed attempts at arty camera techniques. USE A STABLIZER!!  One, it will make your film a bit smoother.  Two, it offers easier run in the woods without looking like there is an epileptic behind the camera and most importantly, people prone to seizures don't die from your flick and their families don't sue you!!!   This story was flat, the characters one dimensional, the action aside from the funky rigged robots was laughable.

Down Chewie!!

Werewolf Week: Dark Wolf

Hello there boys and girls and welcome back for Day 2 of Werewolf Week.  Well yesterday's picturesque portrayal was none too impressive but I have some hope in today's fur flying faithful.  One of my favorites of horror is crucial in it.  None other than Jason Vorhees/Victor Crowley himself Kane Hodder.   Note that both characters seems to be an unstoppable juggernaut of terror.  This is Dark Wolf.

She's just working her way through college.

20 seconds in to our flick and boom!  Topless bar.  No I am not kidding, the credits are still rolling and a bounty of breasts be roaming about... Yarrr, there be booty everywhere.   Ahem, moving right along, a substantial sized biker (Kane Hodder of Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, Trained to Kill, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason X, 2001 Maniacs, The Devil's Rejects and Hatchet) scoops up a topless dancer using her as a shield against the pursuing cops when his eyes start glowing red...  PCP perhaps???   They subdue him and then we are on subplot 2 as jealous boyfriend Tom (Aaron Van Wagner of Flip This House, City Guys and Days of Our Lives) and girlfriend's best friend Stacey (Andrea Bogart of The Last Run, Greed, Dark Ride, Bar Starz, Nite Tales: The Movie, Ready or Not and General Hospital) and youngin is griping how he never gets to see his independent, hard working girlfriend who is managing her life and not sponging off of him.  Hmm, boo hoo junior.

I can't get it back in the holster!

Cut to bread delivery van.. er um I mean paddy wagon to haul offender off when he morphs under the full moon getting two token black men kills and in the span of 30 seconds reduces them to ground chuck with scraps of clothes.  All that protein and no veggies??  Methinks he better regenerate or he is a serious bowel movement away from agony.

Officer McGowan (Jaime Bergman of Daybreak, Virgins, Soulkeeper, Son of the Beach, Pauly Shore Is Dead and Boa vs. Python) on the scene with her impromptu partner Steve (Ryan Alosio of Sliders, Providence, Without Charlie, General Hospital, Drifter and Days of Our Lives) who knows more about this crazed psycho that tore and ripped two cops apart, flew out the back of the paddy wagon and disappeared in the night.  I guess if your sexual organs are on the inside, you cannot believe in myths and legends like us penis folk.     Yes, it's all here.  Over the top acting, cliche story lines of relationships and the knowing of give and take and less we forget; chauvinistic tendencies that are so irksome enough to offend most guys let alone the women watching this.

The biggest shocker of this movie is Tippi Hedren is in it.  Yes, Tippi Hedren of The Birds, Marnie, The Man and the Albatross.  As a homeless character that knows all about the werewolves and these occasional hybrids that are mad as hatters and completely feral.  

Now some odd information on the film.  Our lead special effects makeup artist Molly Tissavary cut her teeth under porno shoot make-up.  I guess if you can glaze a butt you can make werewolves.  

Sasha Craig (Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue, Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue: Neptune's Daughter and Power Rangers Time Force) decided clearly it is time to up her career... by getting naked... in a werewolf movie.  Yeah I can just see the box office potential there.
 
Steven Williams (Mr. X from X-Files, Night Class, Route 666 and Rufus from Supernatural) didn't even get much of a speaking part before he was made second black token in this flick and he has a significant TV and film career that this concept was crap.   Bottom line is: The gore gags are effective but not very scary, what you see of the werewolf looks impressive but not up to Rick Baker, Tom Savini or Greg Nicotero, Howard Berger and Robert Kurtzman of K.N.B. EFX Group given it is mostly bad CGI and the lack of plot is supposed to be made up for in naked girls.  Quite the treat... if you are 12 and watching this on Skin-a-max.

Grr!!!  I'm bad CGI!!! Fear me!

Werewolf Week: Night Wolf

Hola readers of the macabre and mindless film reviews and welcome to Day 1 of Werewolf Week.  Be vewy vewy qwiet, we stalking werewolves...   Today's filmic is the tale of family and friends getting together because that what those youngsters do.  Party, annoy the inhabited supernatural and get us all dead!  Pesky kids I swear.  This is Night Wolf a.k.a. 13 Hrs.

Stay out of my poops!!!

Our leading lady Sarah Tyler (Isabella Amaryllis Charlotte Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe of  Stage Beauty, How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, Trinity, Blooded and Fedz) has spent the last 2 years in L.A. and is returning to Jolly Ole England(and yes I am aware that some of my readers are from across the pond)  She arrives home in time to see the festivities of drink and debauchery in a barn of all places.  Oh right, secondary school kids and no means to procure a hotel.  So the noise continues up to the house when we are fed some tripe subplot on how Sarah's stepfather is accusing her mother that she is having an affair.  Her stepbrothers Stephen (Peter Gadiot of Hot Mess, Fresh Meat, Once Upon a Time in Wonderland and Matador) and Luke (Anthony De Liseo of Night Wolf, Shelfstackers and Remission) seem to be at odds with Sarah so there is a fair degree of shouting, swearing and the like.

Stephen's girlfriend Emily (Gemma Atkinson of Hollyoaks, In the City, Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3, Black Book, Baseline and How to Stop Being a Loser)  Draco Malfoy..er.. I mean Gary (Tom Felton of Anna and the King, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire, The Disappeared and Rise of the Planet of the Apes) tries to calm everyone down when the power goes out.  PLOT DEVICE!!!

Interruptis Vomitis!!

 Armed with a handful of flashlights our plucky youngsters find a substantial amount of blood at the top of the stairs.  Malfoy... Gary goes to look for candles... in the dark.   The group stumbles upon their now quite dead father Duncan (Simon MacCorkindale of Jaws 3-D, Manimal,  Falcon Crest, Poltergeist: The Legacy, Relic Hunter and Causalty) in his room which looks as if someone attacked him with either a lawn mower or a creature with staggering strength and savagery.     Will our cast make it through the night?  What is prowling around the grounds and how did it get in and out of the house?  Will Malfoy and Potter become allies?

A few comments at this time.   The overall dynamics of this movies seems to revolve around mixed family arguing in very large house, various stages of getting pickled and more squabbling.  The creature POV shots are well done but lack the real punch-up to ramp the terror factor they could have.  Our creature looks more of a naked mole rat rather than a werewolf and I heard this was compared to Dog Soldiers.   That laugh could be heard around my apartment complex.

 Director Johnathan Glendening who brought us delights like Strippers Vs Werewolves (I kid you not!) was trying to create a honest haunted house vibe/ trapped scared humans fighting for their lives creeper creature feature and well... most of that was accomplished but Glendening's lack of storytelling experience really left his cast a little lackluster or unimpressive performances all around with the exception of Isabella Calthorpe.  You geniunely got the vibe she wanted to be there and play the part.

Sadly this is also Simon MacCorkindale's last performance and you would have preferred he went out on a better standing that playing a corpse but I guess it can't be helped.  Gore effects and jump scares aside, I didn't remotely care about the cast, their goals and need for survival.  Felt flat on performance and editing.

Grounds need better keeping.

Werewolf Week

Hiya hiya hiya boys and girls and welcome the Week of the Lycanthrope....  Eh, sounds too corny.  Think we will just go with Werewolf Week.  This week I am just tackling unknown titles to see whether or not the shapeshifters are getting the same cinematic love as the various vampire incarnations.   We will just scrub our minds of the Twillight Saga and move on.

Yeah I peed on your Twillight DVDS... what of it?

This has been a lycanthrope grab bag at the suggestions of some of my readers and I thought it was high time we get back to the roots of this blog was based from.  For those that are coming in late I used to write for a review company and got stuck with the horror section because... I'm a guy and can tolerate blood caking the walls, entrails spewed about and it shouldn't phase me.  
Suffice to say I no longer work for said company and have been reviewing what I want each week.

 Yet there is a longing every so often I need to get back to the mainstream of horror and see what worked and what was complete and total dreck.  With that in mind, let's see if there are any decent werewolf films currently out there.  Otherwise we will just have to fall back on An American Werewolf in London and the Howling... again.

My Beefaroni breath gives me away everytime!

The Doctor's Greatest Adventures Week: Frontiers of Space

Welcome one and all to Day 5 of The Doctor's Greatest Adventures and I thought we would slip back in time and space to visit Jon Pertwee (third incarnation of the Doctor) and his companion Jo Grant (Katy Manning of Mr Tumbleweed, Don't Just Lie There, Say Something!, Doctor Who, Eskimo Nell, The Quest and The Sarah Jane Adventures) as they are smack bam in the middle of an intergalactic conflict that could lead to total war.  Will the Doctor be able to right this wrong?  This is Frontier in Space.

I pressed three buttons in the last 4 light-years and that was just to start the coffee pot.

The Master: In spoiling mood, are you Doctor? Poor Miss Grant, you have my deepest sympathy.





As the Earth cargo ship designated C982 is moving through the hyperspace junction, it barely evades the TARDIS as the Doctor re-materializes in the ship's hold rather than all over their windscreen.  Getting out of the TARDIS, the Doctor and Jo Grant get out to explore and apologize to the pilots when the pilots armed see these two as Draconians and escort them to the bridge at gunpoint.   On Earth, the Galactic Federation President and the Draconian ambassador (also son to the Emperor) shout on back and forth claiming each other are attacking shipping lanes and outposts which were established by the treaty of the two empires.   The ambassador feels war is exactly what the humans want and sends communications to his father as such.

Yes, I believe it is fiberglass and not the typical cardboard.

Meanwhile in the hold the Doctor has come to the conclusion of this annoying sound is actually a hypersonic frequency that plays on the subconscious fears of each people when the C982 is boarded by Orgons who stun the pilots and the Doctor, bound Jo in ropes, loot the ship's cargo including the TARDIS and leave.  The reinforcements finally arrive and the pilots accuse the Doctor and Jo as collaborators with the Draconians and are brought back to Earth for interrogation.

Are these two empires on the brink of war?  Who stands to gain from this potential massacre?  Will the Doctor and Jo be able to avoid the death penalty?   Well go watch it already and stop looking at what is written in front of you!

Just a brief amount of fun facts for you now.
This is the last appearance of Roger Delgado as the Master due to his car accident in Turkey that took his life three months after this episode.   Earth is viewed yet again in the far off time of 2540 in spite of several of the early 70's haircuts, mustaches and polyesters.

Jon Pertwee said that he felt the Draconians were his favorite monsters in all of Doctor Who. This episode was watched by a little over 9 million viewers in 1973.

So I don't look goofy in this high collar?  Thank God.

The Doctor's Greatest Adventures : Earthshock

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen to Day 4 of The Doctor's Greatest Adventures and this particular 4 part episode had more than a few fans in tears, baffled and startled across the pond.  Join with the Doctor (fifth incarnation), Tegan, Nyssa and Adric for the year 2526 as paleontologists and a geologist have gone missing after discovering a fossil in a fairly recent cave.  Will the Doctor and companions be able to keep their wits about them?  This is Earthshock.

Who's a grumpy boy genius then, eh?

The Doctor: You do not have the monitor skill Adric! And even if you did, I am not taking you back into E-space!
Adric: Then I'll find someone who will spoil me!
The Doctor: E-space is another universe!  There isn't a taxi service that goes back and forth!

The Doctor (Peter Davison of Doctor Who, A Very Peculiar Practice, Mystery!: Campion, All Creatures Great and Small, The Mrs Bradley Mysteries and Law & Order: UK) attempts to explain to homesick Adric (Matthew Waterhouse of To Serve Them All My Days, Doctor Who and The Killing Edge)  that he cannot risk flying back through E-Space (a smaller universe co-existing alongside the prime universe, N-Space) so he can deposit him back on his home planet of Terradon without proper coordinates.  Adric is annoyed at this information and proceeds to sulk about it while doing the calculations to head home.

Rocking that Reynolds stache well, sir!

Meanwhile on Earth, in the year 2526, a crack squad led by Lieutenant Scott (James Warwick of The Nightmare Man, The Bell, Doctor Who, Agatha Christie's Partners in Crime, Iron Man animated series and Babylon 5) escorting the lead scientific advisor Professor Kyle (Claire Clifford of Angels, Doctor Who, Emmerdale, Wish Your Were Here, Aliens in the Family, This Life and Miss Potter) to find the rest of the exploration team when they come across the Doctor and his companions and naturally our brilliant military mind comes the rather rash conclusion that the TARDIS team are responsible for the deaths of the explorers.  

Through the diplomacy the fifth Doctor is known for, he convinces Scott that they can help and points them to a large debris of rock where the prone bodies lay alongside a large metal hatch.  Out of nowhere a substantial force of androids get the drop on Scott's forces and are slain by them.  The Doctor manages to stop the androids with his trusty sonic screwdriver but not before the androids beam images  of the lot of them to their controllers, the Cybermen.   Yes, them again!  

Opening the hatch, the Doctor and Adric discover a bomb of awesome might and he orders Nyssa (Sarah Sutton of Late Call, Westway, The Moon Stallion, The Crucible and Unnatural Pursuits), Tegan (Janet Fielding of Hammer House of Horror, Shelly, Minder, Doctor Who and Parnell & the Englishwoman) and the rest of Scott's team back to the TARDIS for safety's sake.      
Can the Doctor and Adric stop the bomb in time?  What of the Cybermen and their plans?  Will Tegan make another series of ear bleeding whines and shrills?

Just a small gathering of interesting tidbits about this four parter.
The episodes voted by member of the Doctor Who Appreciation Society as the best Story of Season 19 in their Season Poll as well as winner of the Doctor Who magazine for Best Story.
This episode was watched by 9.1 million viewers in 1982.  The working title of this story was Sentinel.   This was the first Cyberman story since Revenge of the Cybermen in 1975.  The producer John Nathan-Turner wanted to bring an old enemy back but did not want to resort to using the Daleks.

You're such a wanker, Adric.