Blog# 750!!! Summer Blockbusters of 1985 : The Mutilator

Welcome one and all back for Day 4 of Summer Blockbusters of 1985 and this time around I have us a horror film. Now while this particular moving pictures got very little big screen time I wouldn't be appreciating the roots that brought me to movie review in the first place. Digging through the dirt, raw sewage and even the horrors of the five dollar Wal-Mart bin (bleh) I found our little gem of a picture of obscurity as it apparently got decent ratings in spite of most of them were probably made by drunk yahoos renting this on VHS. Originally title Fall Break it was decided that for the video release to have a bit more of a punch up. This is The Mutilator.

Forced laughter says we are ready to die!

Our paradigm of motion picture opens with a woman baking a birthday cake and the place looks so slasher oriented I was surprised that Trevor Moorhouse of Bloody Murder didn't come in and perform a throat cut because that was only gag that was in the budget. The young boy is prepping for his dad Ed's (Jack Chatham of Rockin' Road Trip, The Mutilator and Eddie)birthday and what better way to surprise him than an 12 year old oiling and cleaning pop's rifles. The plot device rifle still has a live round in it and mom get blasted in the back never knowing if Ed liked the cake.

Flash forward to Ed Jr. (Matt Mitler of Spring Break, Galaxy, Deadtime Stories, Breeders, Basket Case 2 and Pokemon) age 20 going on 32 as he tells the teen gang to join him for Fall Break out at the condo because his dad won't mind if they get sloshed or have premarital sex on his beds. The lot of them head out in this feel good tune and that always gets me in the mood for a slasher film. Guess Tom Waits was holding out for more money. The composer Michael Minard made some happy go lucky music for this flick and I am just baffled. Am I off to see gruesome death scenes or on to a picnic?

Beer o' clock behind the wheel!

Written and directed by Buddy Cooper (The Mutilator) brought us this crowning achievement that is a gaggle of teenagers head out to one of the teen's seaside condo because his dad asked him to clean the place up, shut off the electric, gas and obviously get murdered in a horrific and less than realistic way. There is no red herring to speak of when clearly Big Ed as he is referenced is off his meds and has waiting close to 8 years to get revenge for the accidental murder of his wife. Why Ed Jr.'s friends have to be sacrificed to the madness??? Well... I am guessing he didn't want witnesses. Will the kids die in ridiculous over the top fashion? Are the local authorities as useless as they are in almost every slasher film?

Here are some facts about our magnum opus now.

In the script Big Ed was supposed to be killed when he was ripped in two by a turnstile bridge but I guess the stunt was deemed too dangerous and they had to re-write it from there. The original title Fall Break was deemed too light-hearten and cutesy so the VHS covers has decent taglines such as: Their horrifying vacation was no day at the beach and By pick, by axe, by sword, bye bye!!

Deemed a Video Nasty this film was released in two versions, the first being unrated and the latter a solid R rating. Luckily yours truly got the unrated version and soo thrilled to sat through it. I saw a film of smoke on a car's windscreen that looked more interesting.

Johovah's Witnesses are brutal!

Werewolf Week: Night Wolf

Hola readers of the macabre and mindless film reviews and welcome to Day 1 of Werewolf Week.  Be vewy vewy qwiet, we stalking werewolves...   Today's filmic is the tale of family and friends getting together because that what those youngsters do.  Party, annoy the inhabited supernatural and get us all dead!  Pesky kids I swear.  This is Night Wolf a.k.a. 13 Hrs.

Stay out of my poops!!!

Our leading lady Sarah Tyler (Isabella Amaryllis Charlotte Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe of  Stage Beauty, How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, Trinity, Blooded and Fedz) has spent the last 2 years in L.A. and is returning to Jolly Ole England(and yes I am aware that some of my readers are from across the pond)  She arrives home in time to see the festivities of drink and debauchery in a barn of all places.  Oh right, secondary school kids and no means to procure a hotel.  So the noise continues up to the house when we are fed some tripe subplot on how Sarah's stepfather is accusing her mother that she is having an affair.  Her stepbrothers Stephen (Peter Gadiot of Hot Mess, Fresh Meat, Once Upon a Time in Wonderland and Matador) and Luke (Anthony De Liseo of Night Wolf, Shelfstackers and Remission) seem to be at odds with Sarah so there is a fair degree of shouting, swearing and the like.

Stephen's girlfriend Emily (Gemma Atkinson of Hollyoaks, In the City, Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3, Black Book, Baseline and How to Stop Being a Loser)  Draco Malfoy..er.. I mean Gary (Tom Felton of Anna and the King, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire, The Disappeared and Rise of the Planet of the Apes) tries to calm everyone down when the power goes out.  PLOT DEVICE!!!

Interruptis Vomitis!!

 Armed with a handful of flashlights our plucky youngsters find a substantial amount of blood at the top of the stairs.  Malfoy... Gary goes to look for candles... in the dark.   The group stumbles upon their now quite dead father Duncan (Simon MacCorkindale of Jaws 3-D, Manimal,  Falcon Crest, Poltergeist: The Legacy, Relic Hunter and Causalty) in his room which looks as if someone attacked him with either a lawn mower or a creature with staggering strength and savagery.     Will our cast make it through the night?  What is prowling around the grounds and how did it get in and out of the house?  Will Malfoy and Potter become allies?

A few comments at this time.   The overall dynamics of this movies seems to revolve around mixed family arguing in very large house, various stages of getting pickled and more squabbling.  The creature POV shots are well done but lack the real punch-up to ramp the terror factor they could have.  Our creature looks more of a naked mole rat rather than a werewolf and I heard this was compared to Dog Soldiers.   That laugh could be heard around my apartment complex.

 Director Johnathan Glendening who brought us delights like Strippers Vs Werewolves (I kid you not!) was trying to create a honest haunted house vibe/ trapped scared humans fighting for their lives creeper creature feature and well... most of that was accomplished but Glendening's lack of storytelling experience really left his cast a little lackluster or unimpressive performances all around with the exception of Isabella Calthorpe.  You geniunely got the vibe she wanted to be there and play the part.

Sadly this is also Simon MacCorkindale's last performance and you would have preferred he went out on a better standing that playing a corpse but I guess it can't be helped.  Gore effects and jump scares aside, I didn't remotely care about the cast, their goals and need for survival.  Felt flat on performance and editing.

Grounds need better keeping.

PSA Week: How to Say No

Hey kids I am back and welcome to Day 4 of PSA Week.  We sure have covered a lot of topics stemming mostly from ignorance so why not have something supercilious crammed down our throats as the adult “get real” with the youngsters?   I am sure if we follow these helpful hints and tips they will enrich our lives and fulfill our hopes and dreams.   Or it will be incredibly Norman Rockwell and I will see some folks whiter than most vampires from Twilight and just about as hip too.  So grab your poodle skirts, have Mom sew on that letter for your jacket and do gosh darn well at debate.  This is How to Say No.

Just say no to plaid, kids.

“How to say no, that’s tricky one to spoiler, but with practice and confidence you can push on ahead.”

Those happenin’ cats from Coronet Instructional Films are at it again babies and don’t you forget it.   Why, these are the fine people that brought us such illustrious titles like: Joan Avoids a Cold, Good Table Manners, Dating: Do’s and Don’ts and my personal favorite, Communism.   Most of these educational shorts try to give ideas or hints how to better behave in polite society, fend off booze and drugs or just be a good little Capitalist.   Occasionally with this film as an example, they did offer some advice but it was all in the delivery that the message is going to be sneered at.  We have a gathering of kids (All white, of course) that deal with peer pressure from being one of the ball players, the boy looking for second base and (Gasp!) smoking. 

 

No Johnny, not a hickey!

Such events will occur in a teenager’s life but the open debate format seems a bit hokey in this light.   The message is being able to say no in any situation that makes you feel uncomfortable and not to your liking.  That importance we can take away from this short is the message is clear but I was thinking some self-defense for girls, maybe show the boys to be more respectful to the girls via sensitivity talks and frankly it felt awkward to watch.  I found myself making too many jokes while watching it but I think that is because of the apple pie and baseball days of Leave It to Beaver land.

The discussion goes around this particular clique of the elite kids so you don’t get a feeling about the nerdy guy that got shoved in his locker yet again or the slightly ugly girl that gets hazed every day.    These feasible scenarios are just completely overlooked and not even mentioned one bit.   They vaguely cover how to avoid that heavy petting with changing the subject or mentioning the latest gossip and I felt myself snickering yet again.   Why not a card trick or the ball in the cup trick for a distraction?  

Car handles better after 12 beers, am I right, fellas?

The lack of realism in this film I guess was to not frighten the young ones watching this short but dammit all if this didn’t need to be more plausible and give them facts.   A real mentorship would have been better for them or establish a peer to talk to. 

A Nightmare on Remake Street

Hey folks what is more enjoyable than an original horror movie? Why, the remake of course.  Those are always delightful.  1, 2 Freddy’s coming for you. 3, 4 better lock your door. 5, 6 grab a crucifix. 7,8 stay up late. 9, 10 never sleep again.  This is A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Spoilers return from the dead...

Based on Wes Craven’s creation music video director Samuel Bayer (Green Day: Bullet in a Bible, Blink 182: Greatest Hits and Absolute Garbage) must have felt qualified to tackle this character of 20 years of terror and camp and breathe new life in it.   This film was literally shot for shot identical from its predecessor.  Writers Wesley Strick (Final Analysis, Wolf, The Saint and Doom) and Eric Heisserer (Stranger Adventures, The Thing 2011 version and Final Destination 5) hacked Craven’s simplistic creation and my blood went completely cold realizing director/producer Michael Bay (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Amityville Horror, Transformers and Friday the 13^th) felt the need to produce this wonderful magnum opus. 

Several teenagers in Springwood Ohio are having reoccurring dreams of a burnt man with a glove with blades attached to the fingers.   Going on the basis of the original concept of making Krueger a pedophile and dragging four kids to his Uncle Touchy’s Naked Puzzle Basement; several parents of these children that he abducted sought him out and burned him to death or did they?  Dun dun dun!!!

The story arc starts up its focus with Kris (Katie Cassidy of Click, Black Christmas, Taken, Harper’s Island and Gossip Girl) with her intense moments and emotions and blah blah blah.  A handful of teenagers Nancy (Rooney Mara of Urban Legends: Bloody Mary, Dream Boy, The Social Network and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) and Quentin (Kyle Gallner of Smallville, Veronica Mars, Jennifer’s Body, The Haunting in Connecticut and Red State) discover that memories where lashed together with nightmares.  In essence Freddy is just messing with their heads and admittedly the teens actually don’t even get to bother develop as an archetype of clichés and platitudes.  

A few points of the remake versus the original, the remake had a substantial budget, some great 35mm HD along with a bit of CGI and this version of Freddy is a bit more sadistic, intelligent and warped. The cinematography and the SFX is a vast improvement.    No zany puns and whacky comments. Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley of Little Children, Watchmen, Shutter Island and Dark Shadows) torments the kids with cruel slow and messier deaths.

Now the effects are a vast improvement of the lack of budget in the original, story is actually scarier but Bayer has never heard of tension or build-up and the proper execution of this.   Every scare is yet another series of timed jump scares that once you catch the rhythm it is predictable as fish on Friday.  Musical cues must have a button on standby to blat out on the film.  Nice try Bayer but no cigar.  I am not stating the original is genius but it was original and clever.  This isn’t.