Incognito Cinema Warriors XP: Bloody Pit of Horror

Greetings and salutations readers of the blog and welcome back to ICWXP Week. I know this may be difficult to comprehend but I am actually reviewing something I enjoy for a change. That being said today we move to Episode Three of Season One. More body oils than you are comfortable with viewing. More armpit stench courtesy of Italy. Yes, time for another sweaty Mickey Hargitay film to make Rick question his sexuality yet again. This is Bloody Pit of Horror.

Routine maintenance at the Cine-a-Sorrow.

Yes readers, I know that Riff Trax also did a version of this. Guess what? Still prefer this one. Directed by Massimo Pupillo (Terror- Creatures from the Grave, Bloody Pit of Horror and The Revenge of Lady Morgan) and well, not 100% sure how this was ever horrifying...in 1965...in Technicolor but there must have been someone fudging their shorts over it somewhere. A photographer, editor and former newspaper man takes an assortment of models to a seemingly abandoned castle for some "sexy horror covers" for horror novels. Yup that is truly the plot we are all contending with.

The wheels on the bus go to Hell.

But wait! What's happening to Rick and the bots?!! Well firstly the bots to boy had to sit through a short film called the Talking Car and no, amazingly enough David DeCoteau didn't write or direct this along with his sweaty, awkward 1313 softcore gay porns either. These possessed predecessors of Christine demand that young Timmy learn the see and be seen rules of pedestrian safety or they will gang up on him and spin donuts on his little soft and underdeveloped brain. Also we have a new face at the candy counter, a Professor Zediakah Logan or Zed the Head if you prefer. A sophisticated and brilliant psychologist that just happens to be a zombie head that kept his intelligence. Topsy and Cylon want him as a pet and promise to tend to all his needs.

Dude, your wingman's slouching.

Uh-oh, zombie signal!  Back to the theater of anguish and torture!!   Why torture?  Well you go ahead and look at Mr. Universe of 1955 oiling up his hands and arms and try not think of getting fisted. GO AHEAD, TRY! Ya can't do it, can you?!!   So our young models scantily jiggling about and the most dull of photo shots get into mischief as they deal with the owner of said castle/recluse/chess master and body fitness instructor played by Mickey Hargitay who lives with a deep dark secret... No he is not gay. Sheesh, if only they were that lucky. Instead he hears in his head the voice of...the Crimson Executioner!   He kinda dresses like Disco Pervy Phantom and the bright red leotards tell me he is circumcised.   Thank God I know that now.   Dude this outfit includes a cowl, domino mask commonly found on Bucky or Robin, red leotard pants and buccaneer boots. I was expecting an ass flap to go with his pants too.

Host segment takes the boys out for a nap as they are tormented in their sleep by the craggy and crotchety voice of a Model A Ford from beyond the scrapyard...OoOoOOo...

If only I was still a reporter, there might be something to this. Some "accidental"deaths occur and we should think about how much of a safety hazard the place is. Calling OSHA for starters possibly EPA. Think of the oil drizzlings at least. Given how much muscle grease Hargitay had on him, I was envisioning those stone steps as a major trip issue. Will the models survive the night?? Can anything be done to stop the madness?? Has Blackwood developed Smell-O-Vision to further mess with Rick??

Our host segments are enjoyable and for those bitching about low budget and such I remind you of MST3K's KMTA and Season 1 years and then tell you to go pound sand. The introduction to Zed was fun and the fellas embrace the inner Dio within. Plenty of good stuff here. Favorite Riff : Here for the Porno and What have you done to the Janitor. Watch and see!!

Channeling Psycho Power!!

Incognito Cinema Warriors XP: Lady Frankenstein

Welcome to the ICWXP Experience! Fasten your safety belts. Put tray tables in their upright locked positions and remember this is a non-smoking review. Today I thought we would gloss over the Bride of the Gorilla experiment for many reasons. The Warriors are not thrilled with it and given I was once part of MST3K: Second Wave and had to see that piece of crap more than 15 times, I'm not a fan. So moving on to the second experiment of first season, a bit of trashy Italian exploitation taking the Frankenstein legacy into an even more perverse nature?? Kinky.

This is Lady Frankenstein.

Dude, stop eye banging your daughter.  Creeper.

The good baron (Joseph Cotten of Citizen Kane, Shadow of a Doubt, The Third Man, The Survivor, Delusion, Heaven's Gate, Casino and Tales of the Unexpected) is up to his grave digging and re-animation ways but this time via Italy!! with his assistant Dr. Charles Marshall (Paul Muller of Journey to Italy, Vampyros Lesbos, Nightmare City, Brush with Fate, Brigands, Anxiety, and For Roseanna) they pay off grave robbers and twist God's work to bringing life back to corpses.   But wait... Isn't this about Commander Rick Wolf and his trusty tin cans yucking it up over bad films? A valid question, disembodied voice of a reader and fan.

Psst, that chair doesn't hide an erection well.

Rick and the bots proceed to clean the theater to make it habitable as Rick really doesn't want to venture out a zombie infested Kansas City, so one makes do. They let in another human name of Darrell (Nick Evans of ICWXP), a beer soaked gin weasel that gripes about having to sponge off his mom and has personal hygiene habits that would make a crap flinging monkey blush. Dr. Blackwood mercilessly send Rick and the automatons into the theater for their delightful viewing.

Darrell dining in.

The baron, elbow deep in a dead man's sternum remembers his daughter Tania (Rosalba Neri of Top Sensation, Blood River, Blackmail, The Devil's Wife, Libera, My Love, The Arena, The Girl in Room 2A and High School Girl) will arrive from university and has been certified as a licensed doctor and deemed smokin' hot. Mysterious grave robbing has been going on in the village and Captain Harris (Mickey Hargitay of Bloody Pit of Horror, Delirium, The Reincarnation of Abel, Cool Million, The Wild Wild West, Cjamango, Three Graves and Law & Order: SVU) won't rest until he finds who is the culprit responsible. With a rushed brain and not enough stimuli (like the plot), the creature rises and squishes the baron to death. Harris rushes to the scene questioning Dr. Marshall and Tania about a big man. A man that could... So with a big man on the loose bear hugging people to death, Harris is on the case.

Rick, Topsy and Cylon come back on to the candy counter to what can only be described as a total clusterf**k of a mess courtesy of Darrell. You get the vibe that the bots about to break Asminov's first law of robotics big time. From his whiny story of woe is me to his clear funk that could stagger a feral ghoul, Rick is delighted at the chance to see more of the film.

Will the man ape and robots survive this seemingly piss poor cash-in on Frankenstein?? Was there really a need for this much nudity?? Is the dubbing as bad as it seemed??

Favorite riff is the repeated No staaaaaaairs gag of which you will appreciate. With fan letters tended to, some messages via antiquated answering machine and general good vibes, the experiment is over...for now.

Ha ha. Nudity censored. Enjoy.

Incognito Cinema Warriors XP

Hey folks I am back again. Today's theme is a little something different. You would call this an internet/DVD phenomenon given how these guys and gals directly changed movie riffing for a new generation. Movie Riffing? Making fun of a preexisting source material in the same fashion as Joel Hodgson's Mystery Science Theater 3000, Mike Nelson's Riff Trax and Hodgson's Cinematic Titanic.

Damn. Topsy really wants those Junior Mints.

What started as nothing more than a one and done as head writer/director/actor/graphic artist/metalhead Rikk Wolf puts it, became an underground success from DVD releases to YouTube standing.   Incognito Cinema Warriors XP is based with music/video game/movie/literate/snarky comments thrust out at the screen at film that look better on teeth. Hell some of the movies they watch, film on a dead man's eyes would be more entertaining and less off-putting.

Woody Strode: American Gigolo.

So imagine MST3K but not a guy trapped in space. Oh no, that would be kind. So instead the Zombie Apocalypse overtakes the states, possibly the world. Commander Rick Wolf (Rikk Wolf of ICWXP) lead a team of commandos C.O.R.P.S. (Commando Of Re-animant Processing and Suppression) whose entire team was overrun by zombies forcing Wolf to take shelter in the Cine-a-Sorrow theater, a run down and presumbly abandoned movie theater.  Looks like a refuge out of the 1950s but with a Sci-Fi theme in the sense of automaton robots holding independent thought and given menial tasks by their creator, Dr. Blackwood.  Blackwood offers the safety of reinforced steel shutters and a completely sealed theater (that may or may not have been illegal human experimentation, a fire code and a terrifying notion).   In return, Rikk will be subjected to some of the worse films in cinema.   Blackwood wants to see how long or with what film Rikk ends up gacking himself with a concealed butter knife.

Joining Rikk in the battle of these horrific gobs of moving picture tripe, are Topsy Bot 5000 (Nick Evans of ICWXP), concession stand robot, dispenser of drinks and popcorn...and his arms don't work and Johnny Cylon (Zach Legler of ICWXP), the resident usher bot, making sure old ladies get through the aisles fine, teens aren't screwing in the back rows and that the candy/gum resin isn't making the floor sticky.

The bots haven't had to do any jobs of any sort given the theater shut down decades ago and their reasoning for being, the purpose they were created for has been taken from them. A metaphysical dichotomy is assured for their CPUs.  Blackwood long forgot about the bots and demands they too suffer through these flicks along with Rick.

So this week we look in horror at a low budget TV quality internet/straight-to-DVD series that has been cracking folks up for years and YOU were just not hip enough to know about it.  Hey, hey it's okay. Dry those tears and get on the bandwagon now. It doesn't matter if you are less cool than nerd devil Michael Bay or so unhip your pants fall around your knees, you're a rebel and here is your cause.

For more information on the cast and crew of this humble but fierce series, go to icwxp.com, catch them on Facebook and YouTube under AgonyWolf Media.

Cylon: Destroyer of Candy Forts.

Crónicas del horror español: The Vampires' Night Orgy

And we back for the week again. I might do a write-up on Saturday to give you at least 3 different films but the audio review for Psycho II was a bit exhausting. I have only done that one and Zombie Doom as far as capturing video so bear with me when I tell you that 8 minutes of footage took almost two hours to get just so. Moving right along I really wanted to find a copy of Satan's Blood but I need to buy one instead. Ugh, back burner you go. So with that bit of depressing news let's head to a small European village instead where the inhabitants seem a bit off, superstitious and fearful as we delve into The Vampires' Night Orgy a.k.a. Orgy of the Vampires, Grave Desires and Vampire Night Orgy.

First the spankings and then the oral sex!!!

Yup we got an award winning concept as who could pass up on any of these titles.

We open with a funeral in progress as the coffin is lowered into the ground, it cracks open to reveal a maggot infested corpse. Guess they were late and the whole party flees to the sounds of a big band number and drum solo kicking the action up...that wasn't there. After some gorgeous shots of the countryside we witness a bus load of tourists and workers all heading in the same estate as apparently they have jobs after. Tutors, professors, chamber maids and workers as a whole felt the need to be this far out in the country through their exposition. Plot device gardener's flower arrangement story was so boring, it gave the driver a mild heart attack and he... slightly swerved on the two lane road. HEAVENS!!!

With mild chest pains causing death, the trip is off to a good start. Dark omens people. With a quick bit of moving "the body" around and arranging a blanket over him, the rest of the party make their way to the estate with little to no problem. Pre-GPS, kiddies. In them days youse needed a map and you loved it!   Still loved the flute indicating the gruesome act of concealing the body from the little girl traveling.   Sadly no Edward Mannix voice over acting so that was a bit of a let down. The pleasant wafting music showing us an empty village, no church or people to be around.

C'mon sweetie. Just ignore the poop smell and go out and play.

No warning bells going off at all, people? They all just head right into the local tavern and proceed to take up rooms without worry of the staff or management getting angry. Heck one of the rooms has a creeper peephole into conveniently the cute blonde's room. 20 minutes before we get a vampire attack but feels like it was unnecessary, in the sense no vamp fangs revealed.

The locals are definitely revolting.

Human servants bustling about explain why the people were not available but Boris the impromptu mayor explains creepily how they had to bury a friend. His dub actor is bouncy and way over the top easily arousing suspicion but that's just crazy talk. Weird synthesizer music as a villager needs to sacrifice a leg for dinner. An American tourist also finds this strange but shrugs it off as it is simply a custom he is unfamiliar with and chalks it up to his ignorance Slowly but surely the members of the bus trip are disappearing left and right and Boris just scoffs at this as clearly they were trying to find their way in the village or the next one.

Will Hot Blond be next? Will American blood be too thick or sauce gravy like? Why would you do this to most of a town??

Director Leon Klimovsky (The Werewolf versus the Vampire Woman, Leap to Fame, La paz empieza nunca, The Dracula Saga, Mean Mother, Vengeance of the Zombies, The People Who Own the Dark and Night of the Walking Dead) pitches decent atmosphere and pacing, I just felt the dialogue was lost in the dubbing as it sounds like the cast is a bunch of whiny bitches through most of this film. The film stock is either damaged or I did not get the best version of this as it is really dark and difficult to make out the action half of the time. The townspeople are actually not really vampires as so much almost cannibals or some mad ghouls.

Most of the locations are around Madrid as was with the Count Dracula's Great Love flick but this seems to move more to the residing villages and then in Estudios Roma for the interior shots. Unfortunately my copy was very grainy so the print was not the best to be seen. Very mild nudity, a topless scene here and there so no orgy.   FALSE ADVERTISEMENT!!  That being said however, it was actually kind of creepy. Also the Countess was smoking hot so bonus.   No forced lesbian and/or whipping scenes of yesterday so all pluses across the board. A vast improvement. I was expecting some kinky, oil slicked up Jesus Franco BS and was surprised with a decent story and some folklore of Spain. 

Jeff Foxworthy: Vampire Hunter.

Crónicas del horror español: Count Dracula's Great Love

Okay this week has been a bit crazy. Interview and Audio Review was awesome mind you. Again thank you Dustin for a stimulating take from fan to director. I have managed to let the week slip through my fingers that we may have a continuation to next week. Today's moving pictures hails from Spain via Javier Aguirre (Exosmois, Daphnis and Chloe, Acto de posesion, El consenso, Children's War, Los pajaritos and Voz) exploitation, drama and romance director extraordinaire and Spain's answer to Christopher Lee in how many horror films we can drag him into, actor Paul Naschy (The Mummy's Revenge, Vengeance of the Zombies, Night of the Werewolf, Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood, El lado oscuro, Rojo sangre, and Rottweiler) as we tackle the Lord of the Vampires and Prince of Darkness, Dracula. This is Count Dracula's Great Love a.k.a. Cemetery Tramps, Dracula's Virgin Lovers, The Great Love of Count Dracula and Cemetery Girls.

Hungry EeeYEeess...

Yup, it wouldn't be a seventies foriegn horror film without at least six alternative English titles. God bless them for it. Particularly curious on the Cemetery Tramps title. Were they really kicking that one around or was it just the working title?

Deep in the Carpathian Mountains, an eerie sanitarium looms over as two delivery men are off loading a large crate the size and shaped well enough to be a coffin in transit. The owner Dr. Marlow is now where to be found at the newly purchased wacko basket, the two men decide to raid the crate on the off chance it is filled with jewels and gold but more likely death. Ah I am familiar with this move from Dungeons & Dragons RPG games. It's were the party ignores the jewels and riches and heads right into the death. Poking around the pad of nutter one of the men is smacked in the face with an axe and the other gets fed on by a man in a black velvet cape. Boom! Go to opening credits! Now that's how you get a story going.

And now, another rousing game of Where's Karl's hand at.

Meantime, a stagecoach carrying four young women and one strapping lad (Cue Penthouse cheesy blues music) Karen (Haydee Politoff of The Collector, Queens of Evil, Interrabang, The Virgin of Bali, Chloe in the Afternoon and The 'Human' Factor), Senta (Rosanna Yanni of Kiss Me Monster, Sadist Erotica, Hunchback of the Morgue, Petra Delicado and First and Last Love), Marlene (Ingrid Garbo of Yo y las mujeres, Beunos dias, Acapulco, Maniac Mansion, Count Dracula's Great Love and Touch Me Not) and Elke (Mirta Miller of Ninas.... al salon, Pepito piscina, The Shark Hunter, Last Harem, El cepo, Bolero and Blockbuster) and randy lad or at least he should be, Imre Polvi (Victor Alcazar of Horror Rises from the Tomb, Hunchback of the Morgue, It Happened at Nightmare Inn, original Green Inferno, Vengeance of the Zombies, El espectro del terror and Earthquake in Chile) are all traveling along when their plot device um carriage wheel goes flying off at Borgo Pass, a region known for treacherous road. The the coach driver died after being hurled of his perch and the five of them must seek shelter and as luck would have it, a visible nuthouse not far from their previous peril. The five hoof it to sanitarium as it begins to thunder and rain down. Of course Dr. Marlow is a perfect host, inviting them in for food and shelter...maybe a midnight snack or two.

Last known picture of these character actors.

Yeah big spoiler, Marlow is Dracula. WHAT??!!! HOW DARE YOU, JAKE??!!! Yeah because none of you had clue one on this. Spare unto me. Please readers, I know how vast your intellect is or otherwise you would never be reading these fine quality reviews. So shockingly enough "Dr. Marlow proceeds to play hide and go suck with his guests building up an army of the undead to nip out and snag innocent virgins of the village with the exception of Karen. Dracula seeks to rebirth his lost daughter Radna in a blood ritual that will resurrect her from the darkness. Karen must be willingly become a bride of the undead and rule with Dracula for all eternity.

Naturally when you make vampiric tarts you chain them up in you dungeon. Them's the rules, people. So what else can we say about this film? Hmm well lot of whipping scenes, lesbian vampire scenes, plenty of topless scenes and ugh, seventies you can really drag those frames out let me tell you.

Will Karen be seduced by the dark side? Is Dracula into bigamy? What was the point of the ax to the head and stair falling scene five frickin' times in the opening credits?

Well the pacing is fair, the dubbing a bit off but nothing really horrible per say and if you needed a flick with jiggly girl vamps, you are in luck. Frankly at the end of the day this feels like someone wanting to make a fetish film but not ballsy enough for a solid R rating. Ranking under PG somehow it is nothing special. I liked a lot of the cinematography but Hammer does it better. 

Shot in this gorgeous location in Madrid called the Parque de El Capricho, where the Duchess Maria Josefa Pimentel  had constructed and preserved during her reign. It has a palace, a lakeside and even a maze leading to the bunker made during the Spanish Civil War where the dungeon was to be in the film. Also this huge iron bridge which was apparently the first of its kind in Spain.

Beautiful to look at but at the end of the day this genre has been done better.

Even in death this guy is still has chiseled good looks.

Rotten Reelz Reviews Audio Review #26 : Psycho II

Second time at bat with the video clips via audio review and thank God it wasn't Zombie Doom all over again.  A quality DVD this time with Psycho II   Enjoy!

Dustin Ferguson Nemesis 5 Interview

Dustin Ferguson, writer/director/producer/editor/creator of Sinister Studios and owner and proprietor of Old Skool Video had plenty to say about his upcoming film, Nemesis 5. What? You think I saw the previous films last week had nothing to do with leading up to this interview?

Dustin was kind enough to re-schedule with me today as yesterday was a bust on my end.

I'm a special clown.

With Albert Pyun's(Cyborg, Deceit, Brain Smasher...A Love Story, Spitfire, Heatseeker, Raven Hawk, Mean Guns, Postmortem, Nemesis, Nemesis II: Nebula) start this franchise more than 20 years ago, Dustin was a huge fan of not only the genre but how the series was progressing with each sequel. A man after my own heart. So I sat down to chew the fat with him. August 28^th is the beginning of the filming.

Script by Mike Reeb has been approved by Albert Pyun is acting as executive producer this time around bringing a substantial budget. Sue Price (Nemesis II: Nebula, Nemesis III: Time Lapse, Nemesis IV: Death Angel) is scheduled to arrive in September for filming so yes, the original DNA mutant warrior is reprising her role but as mother to Schuylar Craig (Shockumentary, Blood Claws, Camp Blood 4, Camp Blood 5, The Amityville Legacy and Blood Model), our new lead to bring about destruction to the machines and possibly save humanity from its tyrannical yoke.

The most unkind cut of all.

Dustin taking the reins for the story after Nemesis 4, a slight remake the opening of Nemesis with a steamy scene with Craig and Daiane Azura (Big Trouble, Prison of the Psychotic Damned: Terminal Remix, Hate, 60 Seconds to Di3, Home Videos, O' Bloody Night and Stained Encounter) moving the story back to time and moving the vibe of the time travel aspect. Yes I bugged him about the mosaic time capsule but nothing definite yet to the traveling pod. Also we don't need that many spoilers do we? Veteran actors Aki Aleong (Never So Few, Gang Wars, V, Dragonfight, Babylon 5, Dark World, House Arrest adn Faster Than the Speed of Light) and Dawna Lee Heising (My Science Project, Big Trouble in Little China, Forbidden Warrior, Outworld, Tales from Dark Fall, Waiting for Dracula, The Famous Joe Project and Awesome Girl Gang Street Fighter) marking her third film with Ferguson along with Meathook Massacre II and Amityville: Evil Never Dies.

August to October editing allowed in November, Dustin is confident to have this out by the end of the year. Main theme and composure will be composed by Rob Robinson and Adian Casserly, along with original soundtrack with Velvet Acid Christ and Pandora Black. He told me he is in talks with Orgy as well so should be an astounding soundtrack.

Someone's getting an ax to the face.

 

SAG (Screen Actors Guild)card and SAG rules need to be followed so this isn't your typical Indie film shooting when they can and wherever they can. Not limited to Horror, as a fan of films can attest to at the larger variety found at the Old Skool Video store, He has done documentaries and horror films but simply can manage a story with a decent budget, time, great actors get gold frame by frame.

Schyular is undergoing training for the role of playing her bad ass character. Yes she will know Gun Fu. Whoa. Along with Zach Muhs (Nemesis 5: The New Model) who will be a re-occuring character in the series. No I am not giving that way. Well okay, let's just say you might seen an appearance of Nebula again.

I asked him if this was a huge leap into this genre being primarily a Horror director. Dustin feels certain that as a fan of Sci-fi and Action, that this was a natural progression to more difficult projects. Considering most of his projects are shot in a manner of days, he will have months to work it until he feels it's right. Electricity to the cyborgs, parts sparking, and the better budget will allow balance CGI and practical, which is a preference to myself.

Passionate filmmakers outside Hollywood have a better touchstone with the fans than a popcorn movie. It's not about marketing, the newest toy and lunchbox. It's about a quality flick people can enjoy and hopefully stand the test of time. With our comparable love of 70s and 80s Horror we both have the congruent take on the modern era. Jump scares aren't needed heavily in horror, atmosphere, music and suspense are the key. A decent pace, story easy enough to follow and some build up and boom. Creepy horror flick.

Producer/bookmaker/director deals with what stays and what goes. If you a giant space drill, it will still look hokey and you should work with in your means. It may sound great on paper but ultimately you need to know where to invest time, money and effort in.

James Brolin still stuck in the house.

If five does well he is looking to end the series successfully by capping it off and having a potential jump into new budgeted projects. Futuristic films are a definite and try to make originals and make it his own. John Carpenter and Dario Argento are great influences in his style of film making.

A confident director gets the actors he needs. He goes in to every project with a buoyancy needed for these films and has attracted his fair share of actors. Juggling all these ventures is impressive as hell and he has the moxie for it. Personally I cannot wait to see how this series will end and I know Dustin will knock this out of the ballpark.

Dustin, I still say you need to get Tiffany Shepis for a good creepy horror flick.