Castle Freak

Hiyas guys and gals, I am back. After a stay over with my folks, I have returned to bring about some more films to review, facts to share and a message we can all take in our hearts. Or maybe some trivia. Today's film hails from director/screenwriter Stuart Gordon (Re-Animator, From Beyond, Dagon, The Black Cat, Robot Jox and Fortress) so yeah, there may be a horror theme in it. Produced by Albert Band and Charles Band of Full Moon Entertainment, we are getting an eyeful. This is Castle Freak.

Finally! A castle to do my re-animation projects!

Inheritance can be rewarding, exhausting and more trouble than it's worth.  John Reilly (Jeffery Combs of Re-Animator, From Beyond, Fortress, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, House on Haunted Hill, Star Trek: Enterprise and SharkMan) his stunning wife Susan (Barbara Crampton of Chopping Mall, Re-Animator, From Beyond, Puppetmaster, Trancers II, Robot Wars, The Bold and the Beautiful, The Lords of Salem and Road Games) and blind daughter Rebecca (Jessica Dollarhide of Major Dad, In Living Color, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and Castle Freak) all travel to Italy to see this 12^th century castle John has inherited from the late Duchess D' Orsino (Helen Stirling of The Gay Lord Quex, BBC Sunday-Night Theatre, Sara Crewe and Angels One Five).

At the advice of the estate's executor, the three stay in the castle until they can unload it. Who wants to own a castle??!!!   I mean, other than me.   Thanks to exposition we get to find out the Reilly family are not a bunch of happy bunnies as Susan apparently blames John for the death of their son and the blinding of their daughter due to a drunk driving accident.  Awkward?   Oh just a touch.

Sweetie, that is a natural cycle for a young woman.

However, our turbulent trio is blissfully unaware of the dangers that lurk in the dungeon.  A bizarre and freakish monster locked away.  No sooner does he hear voices that did not originate from his head, he snaps off his own thumb to release him from his manacles and allow him to scurry about.  Ah manacles.   They must think the sun shines on his ass.

Attica! Attica! Attica!!

With a need for blood,(or Italian food. Pick Italian, dude!) our warped monster roams the countryside in search of victims to work out his frustrations on.   Hey, can't really blame him. Chained up and more or less, left to die?  I'd be pissed too.

Unexplained noises in the night, objects broken without anyone knowing how and Rebecca claims a stranger breaks into her bedroom.  Oh wait, sexist response!  Women!  Be quiet!  Piggish menfolk have no time for your twaddle.  Suddenly the housekeeper is missing...after she fails to find said freak in his cell.  Wait a minute...she may be in on this.

Deaths and disappearances are stacking up including the hooker John picked up after Susan didn't want anything to do with him that night. John starts to unravel who the monster might actually be but can he do it before the grotesque grabs his wife and kid?

As a fan of H.P. Lovecraft, I can appreciate Gordon's bizarre and macabre story.   He certainly liked using Jeffery Combs and Barbara Crampton over and over as they have excellent chemistry together.

In spite of this being a Full Moon Entertainment production, they did not use the castle via Subspecies.   Too bad, you could move the story to another country and boom! Reuse that creepy as hell castle.   Um cat fans, you might not appreciate an orange tabby made snack food for said freak.

Could have done without those cutaway scenes too.   Eerie music setting the tone, a dark story and an excellent cast setting the scene.  From the VHS, DVD and Blu-ray, the versions range from 88 mins American release,  90 UK release and finally 95 minutes.   

I have the full 95 and it is...creepy, disturbing and what I come to expect from Stuart Gordon.

Definitely not one for the kids, parents.  Trust me.

For the last time, there are no re-animated corpses around here!!

Horndogs Beach Party

Hey hey gentle readers!  I'm back.   Long week and a half visiting my folks after the passing of my little brother and got drafted for a writing gig.   Not that I could have objected to this fella, considering my reviews and his flicks go pretty hand-in-hand; as I am referring to former Lincoln Nebraska resident horror/sci-fi guru, Dustin Ferguson (Gloved Murderess, Demon Dolls, Cheerleader Camp: To the Death, Invitation to Die, Nemesis 5: The New Model and Amityville: Evil Never Dies).  And who am I to refuse a fellow former Nebraskan/newcomer Californian?   Our type sticks together. 

 So this time around, something different added to his growing pantheon of material as this film looks to be a bit of a screwball comedy.   Will it surpass Meatballs?   Let's find out.  This is Horndogs Beach Party.

You smell Astroglide and baby man tears?

Now, admittedly the title gave me a completely different picture and the X rated jokes are being suppressed.  I mean, c'mon.  At least watch the film before you cast doubt, people.

With a quick TV intro blurb about the impending party of fun in the sun and a wet T-shirt contest, we can expect some shenanigans of alcohol, some jiggly girls and blatant debauchery.   Y'know, good times! 
A nod to our voice over as our director as we cut right into a theme of 50s style beach music and away we go.   Crafted by the hands of Mike Reeb (Nemesis 5: The New Model, Horndogs Beach Party and Robowoman)we check in on our less than dynamic duo protagonists scoring a decent rental for their getaway. 

Stacey (David Thomas Newman of Roxanne, Rebar, Hazing and Troma presents: Mulligan's Monsters) and Loren (Jared K. Admave of Happy Face, Relationship Status and Horndogs Beach Party) have landed from a horrific red eye flight and are gearing to Par Tay!!

Meanwhile a mishap or classic miscommunication leads the fellas to some different company in the forms of Dusty (Shudan Wang of Spring, Picture Society, Scorpion Girl, Poppies, With You and No Home for Young Man) and Cory (Neveen Woods of Busted, Kythera and Horndogs Beach Party) are stuck sharing this rental with boys??  Icky!  Pubes on the soap, the cap of the toothpaste will be left off and of course the collective of beer and pizza farts.

Dude, the writer was right. I do have beer and pizza farts.

Did get a good laugh that Aunt Brinke is Scream Queen legend, Brinke Stevens (The Slumber Party Massacre, Nightmare Sisters, Warlords, Chinatown Connection, Witchhouse 3: Demon Fire, Die Sister, Die! and The Hot Tub Massacre) who tells the girls that they have to make the best of the situation.  Apparently she broke a gardner too.  Nimble little minx.

Tad (Peter Stickles of Finding Forrester, Cemetery Gates, 2 Minutes Later, Watch Out, Skinned Alive, Evil Bong 3: The Wrath of Bong and Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver) and buddy Brad are clearly meathead bros.  Yeah those bros that chug beer like it is water and somehow "get laid" in spite of their lack of personality, wit, charm or in general douche behavior.  Pissed that Stacey and Loren got the "hot chicks" are determined to ruin their party by all means necessary.   Of course my brain went right to pig's blood and severed heads on the lawn but again, that's me.

Nosy neighbor Brigitte (Dawna Lee Heising of Bladerunner, Forbidden Warrior, Mistaken Identity, Legend of the Red Reaper, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance, Meathook Massacre II and Lake of Shadows) is slowly spinning into a tizzy.  Full blown tizzy alert!  You have been warned.  How dare those twenty somethings have a party?!   It's almost like...they're twenty somethings on vacation and having fun.  The horror.  The horror.   You'd think she would have learned from Amityville: Evil Never Dies that being a nosy neighbor can be problematic but I digress. 

How much for the Super Mario Bros/ Duck Hunt?

Brigitte bound and determined to catch the kids pulling hi-jinks (Dear God I sound old) so she plans to invade the party and get the proof she needs for the co-op board association and tattle all the way. 
Love that both Dusty and Loren's friends have to practically drag them to and fro just to go have fun.  Get the stick out kids and have a beer bong! 

 Thankfully Cory has already invited her two friends Steph (musician/vocalist/actress Daiane Azura of Big Trouble, Dead Ink, O' Bloody Night, Nemesis 5: The New Model,2 Die For and Stirring) and Becky (Vida Ghaffari of Holy Terror, Scorpion Girl, Suspense, and Horndogs Beach Party) so they are bound to bring more friends over.  Took me a few to recognize the gardner/Horndog himself, Troy Fromin.  Ox from Saved by the Bell!!!    Like I said, it took me a few.

Dawna as Brigitte was killing me.  A party on my beach with your drinking, your drugs and your fornications!  She's got a knack for comedy.   Still convinced the Brad and Tad duo are sexually repressed to levels that will only end in a very confused, homoerotic shoot out with the cops.
Stacey and Dusty's party supply montage is a great gag and shows them bonding a bit better.


With some handheld, tripod mounted and even some drone work similar to Amityville and Nemesis 5, you get the Dustin signature look in a new genre giving it a breath of fresh air.  Yes the rom com series of flicks have been annoying at best and filled with tropes.   It is nice to see some older themes getting used which I haven't seen since late 80s.  The movie feels like a nice throwback to Meatballs, The Beach Girls and even a bit of Caddyshack but still its own entity.

I had fun with this like I knew I would. Solid casting, decent pace for the film.  Nice to see Dustin cover more genres and I can't wait to see more of this. 

And for you sexist piggies,  Daiane Azura looks amazing in a bikini.   There, I lowered myself to pigdom.  Again. 

Oh my...

The Fast and the Furious

Hey folks. Well the week has been tragic as I will be attending the funeral of my little brother in a few days. He leaves behind 4 kids that will have a hard struggle to move on but I will do what I can to assist that. Today I thought we would look at one of his favorite movies. So get ready for far too much vehicular terminology, over the top action, hot guys and girls.

This is The Fast and the Furious.

'Sup playa?

LAPD officer Brian O'Connor (the late Paul Walker of Timeline, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Noel, Into the Blue, Running Scared, Flags of our Fathers, Bobby Z and Fast & Furious) is undercover to conduct investigations of potential illegal street racers are responsible for boosting semi trucks of their cargo. Like pirates of the highway. A little over 1.2 million dollars in stolen electronics has been boosted. Guess the manifests on these cargo containers didn't include SERIAL NUMBERS!!!

Okay that SNAFU writing aside, Brian is undercover racing himself, hooks up with a crew led by Dominic Toretto (Vin Disel of Boiler Room,Pitch Black, Knockaround Guys, XXX, The Chronicles of Riddick, Riddick, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Last Witchhunter and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2), a gear head with a heart of gold looking out for his baby sister Mia (Jordana Brewster of The Faculty, As the World Turns, D.E.B.S., The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, American Heist and Dallas), his sorta girl Letty (Michelle Rodriguez of Resident Evil, Blue Crush, S.W.A.T., BloodRayne, The Breed, Avatar, Machete, Resident Evil: Retribution and The Assignment), mechanic guru Jesse (Chad Lindberg of The Rookie, The Last Samurai, Adam and Ever, Punk Love, Crimes of the Past, I Spit on Your Grave and Rise of the Zombies) and gruff Vince (Matt Schulze of Blade II, The Transporter, Seven Mummies, Final Move, Mr. Brooks, The Flock and Fast Five).

Crap. Did I turn the oven off?

Thick as thieves this lot is as Brian worms his way into their albeit odd family, trying to dig dirt on the other racers in the hopes that his suspicions aren't valid. I will always get the biggest kick out of Brian's commanding officer, Sgt. Tanner (Ted Levine of Silence of the Lambs, Nowhere to Run, Detonator, The Mangler, Mad City, Superman the Animated Series, Monk, Wild Wild West, Evolution and Justice League).   I remember watching this with my brother not trying to riff the film and scream about lotion in the basket. That took some work, let me tell you.

As these sort of story lines go, naturally Brian starts to fall for Mia and the two become close. Dominic isn't thrilled about this at all. He and Brian meet eye-to-eye on this and the issue has been shelved for later. Vince who has had a thing for Mia since they were kids takes it pretty piss poor and jumps Brian.

The two hash it out and Vince is still honked off about the whole chain of events. And hey rap fans! Ja Rule is in this. Yeah I sense no one giving a crap.

Will Brian be able to do his job without compromising his feelings for Mia? Can the cops ever figure out how these thefts are really happening? Will the FBI pay Brian to learn to surf? Whoa.

Okay final thoughts, this is part heist movie and part gear head racer flick. It operates at a good solid pace, the characters are fleshed out so nothing feels like window dressing.

Bottom line is while I have seen this same formula to death (Hence the Point Break reference), it does not diminish the performances that actually come out well.

And while I was never a huge Paul Walker fan, he did touch quite a few souls and was a decent man.

Okay I will be flying out in a while, if you have any thoughts on films I should be looking over, toss me a message on the blog, Facebook page and Twitter.

Rest in Peace, Tristan. I still cannot believe you're gone.

Karate Girl

Back again blog fans. Man, it's almost like I do this regularly. Scheduled a haircut for today so I can actually get some filming done on Phantasm II video review.   Guaranteed to be a tooter and a titter. Today's film has a ring of infamy.  Okay, sit down and I will explain.  As some of you may be unaware, the country Turkey has had some stringent rules about TV and Film.   Issues with nudity, graphic violence and even cursing in their films.   So with that in mind, imagine such films as Ms. .45 and I Spit on Your Grave being the inspiration for today's flick but not being able to show that same level of vulgarity, violence and depictions of rape.  This is Karate Girl. a.k.a. Golden Girl Karate Girl.

The subtitles mock her gun handling.

Yes, that alternative title was so absurd I felt it deserved to be given its due.   We open with title cards and a piano score which ends abruptly.   You know how most scores will fade out?   Well, this one just ends.  We see a gorgeous view of the land, a bit of waterfront and what I took to be a dingy blonde handing out flowers.  Oh wait, that's our protagonist.   Now understand this, she appears to be a bit simple, mute and selling her father's flowers for money.

Not exactly the beginnings of an antihero story arc, right?   You can't have Harry Callahan trimming a Banzai tree and then minutes later, blasting a guy in the chest. Our little blond is known as Zeynep (Filiz Akin of Fluffy dreams, Little darling, Separation, Sweet Language, Bitter Life and I cry), whose life consists of tending to her farm, cooking and cleaning after her father who works primarily in his greenhouse.  Yeah so, after peddling flowers that somehow almost everyone is accommodating to throw her the odd coin for, she heads home for a lengthy walk, cleans the place up, does the laundry and cooks for dad.

Turkish Randolph Scott senses danger.

Due to lengthy exposition plot dump, we find out they have saved enough money to get Zeynep an operation to get her voice back.   Oh happy day, callooh callay.  Unbeknownst to our simple farm folk, a gang of thieves, murderers and rapists escape in the middle of the night from a secure prison and are on the loose.

They sneak their way on the farm, help themselves to food, the saved money and kill dear old dad. The shock and trauma gives Zeynep her voice back and a burning determination to seek revenge. Well bright side, you don't have to save up money again...except for dad's funeral expenses.

The police try to see if Zeynep knows whether or not the fugitives at large are responsible by supplying her with the blurriest photos of each men in a slideshow presentation.  Looked like these things were taken underwater and out of focus.   Zeynep plays dumb and claims she doesn't recognize these men as she will hunt them down herself.

A stranger comes to her farm, asking for shelter and food for a day's work.  Name of Murat (Ediz Hun of I will cry for tomorrow, My life is yours, Rose, All mothers are brothers, Separation and Doubt),our handsome stranger strikes a rapport with Zeynep almost instantly.   Yeah they really need to understand the importance of a title card, wipe or dissolve. These tools establish time has lapsed.

Peasant by day, leather momma by night.

Murat shows her how to shoot, react to combat and gives her advice on what each objective must be in order to win the day and not succumb to the darkness of a gun. She must control her actions, aim for the heart, catch flies with chopsticks and never go the path of the Dark Side. Yeah, I may have encountered a few mentor characters in my reviewing.

Will Zeynep get her revenge? Will handsome Murat take her as his own? Can the jump cuts in this flick not be so jarring???

Okay a bit of trivia now.  In 2012, a viral clip of this very movie when on almost every social media possible, calling it "the worse movie death scene ever".  By that, they clearly meant the worse death scene placed on film because it is far too over the top and goofy.   Thankfully my version has a voice over during that so I do not have to hear the minute and seven seconds of a guy screaming from multiple gun shots.

Yeah it goes on quite a bit and is hammy but not longer than some death scenes, including Sleepaway Camp's pedo chef scalding screaming scene or the 2 minutes and 15 of Heather death of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation sequences. That being said, it's painful to behold.   So poorly done.

Our Turkish cuts of film is extreme jump cut endings with nothing formulating time difference, a transition if you will.  Nothing of film technique like a dissolve, wipe or fade to point out that scene is finished and onto the next one.  Seriously, a guy is mourning his brother dying in the hospital and the abrupt move to the next scene without any resolution.

So yeah, at best you have ideas, concepts trying to be put across.  Um, the actions scenes are passable but the overall execution of movie is lacking.  This is ideal for a drinking game for film makers. AHHH! Out of focus! Drink!   Ahhh not properly blocked!  Drink!

Feel free to work on riffs for the film.   I know I want to do a bit of that writing but again, I put it on YouTube and no one sees it. Awww Sad Clown.

Tomorrow busy with being an extra on a indie film so no write ups on Wednesday. Ta ta!

Filiz Akin is Turkish Policewoman...in Color.

Z Nation Season 2

Howdy-doolie-doo readers! I'm back again! Call off the search parties!!! Available single women continue to swoon and all is well in the world. Boy, I'm really glad I don't have that inflated of an ego. Okay, nonsense out of the way. Today I thought we should go back to some TV viewing and that is we will be looking into the wayward struggling survivors of the Zompocalypse. With roving bands of marauders, looters, bounty hunters and of course a ton of zeds, our heroes continue on trying to get their package to safety. This is Z Nation Season 2.

Boys, boys, boys. Stop fighting. You're both pretty.

Well a lot has happened to our crew. Losing friends and family on this road trip through Hell, our team led by Lt. Warren (Kellita Smith of The Bernie Mac Show, King's Ransom, Feel the Noise, Conspiracy X, The First Family and Z Nation) carrying the burden of command and dragging the ragtag group nonstop from madcap adventure to the next, have lost track of their potential cure to the zombie plague, Murphy(Keith Allan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Star Trek: Enterprise, Air Collision, Social Nightmare, Zombie Night and Rise of the Zombies) as he has been exhibiting powers such as zombie control. Yup the dead heads are listening to him and he isn't even Jerry Garcia. See what I did there? Huh? Huh?

Because of this colossal pig screw of events, Specialist Simon or Citizen Z (DJ Qualls of Road Trip, Cherry Falls, The New Guy, Comic Book Villains, Last Day of Summer, Supernatural, Perception and Z Nation) has been out of contact with the group and has no choice but to issue a bounty on Murphy to anyone that can capture him alive. Offering ridiculous rewards like a radio DJ for a concert. Free back stage passes and T-Shirts!!!

Factory recall on latest Easy Cheese cans didn't help this guy.

Kooky chemist Doc (Russell Hodgkinson of Big Fish, We Go Way Back, ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction, Mystery Case Files: The 13^th Skull, Grimm, 21 & Over, A Bit of Bad Luck and 7 Minutes), Melee Mistress Addy (Anatasia Baranova of 7^th Heaven, Veronica Mars, Rise: Blood Hunter, The Darkness II, Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z and Z Nation) and sniper extraordinaire 10 K (Nat Zang of Z Nation and AfterBuzz TV's Z Nation After Show) are in hot pursuit of Murph in the hopes that all their struggles and sacrifices are not in vain.

Murph has decided he doesn't want to be the savior of humanity and would rather watch the world burn with the best seat in the house. After all, the zombies aren't looking to eat his flesh, it's good to be king. Cassandra (Pisay Pao of Simply Fobulous, Your Lucky Day, Door to Door, NCIS: Los Angeles, and Z Nation) has had a little bit of a makeover as she's gone a bit peculiar, among other things.

Look alive.  Just saw Zombie Bruce Willis.

I know I harped on about this from Season 1 but I will repeat; with shows like The Walking Dead, The Strain, iZombie and Fear the Walking Dead taking such a serious view of this, it lacks anything fun to be had.   Life is Drama and Comedy so shouldn't your film and TV matter be both as well?   This time around more rad zombies, a strain of weed grown from zombie compost.  Is that Zompost?   Fallout occurs via nuclear reactor and this season is feeling it in every direction for 500 miles.   With radiation victims and newer, deadlier zombies; our team are in quite the pickle.

It simply has fun with our characters putting them in harm's way, having a laugh and bringing a core group together with surprising story lines, good character development, spot-on practical effects and some needed CGI.

I may enjoy me some Michonne but I'd follow Warren to the gates of Hell.  A swift knee in Satan's happy sack and she owns his ass. This series is only going to get better and frankly with less budget than The Walking Dead, they still produce an array of laughs, chills and spills.   Got to say I love how seasoned these characters already are to melee weapons and firearms without Green Beret training to every other branch.   Hell, most of them wouldn't qualify for S.W.A.T. Training but they are a force to be reckoned with.

Oh those star-cross loves...are not happening here.

Lucio Fulci's Sodoma's Ghost

Hey there readers. I'm still on a Lucio Fulci kick so let's dig through the archives. I found the synopsis of one film that sounded a tad bizarre and well let's face it, Fulci has created some odd flicks in his day. Not your typical hordes of darkness running their oozing fingers through human rib cages. No, this film seems a dark humor teen romp that leads to a sinister end.

This is Sodoma's Ghost.

Willy's a bit rough with the ladies.

I am trying to explain this film in my head and translate it to typing but nothing thus far can really begin to illustrate the sheer genius and vulgarity that it is.  So let's just dive in.   Deep with a little villa along in route to Paris, A Nazi and prostitute orgy is underway. These men are AWOL (Absent With Out Leave), getting pickled and plowing girls like the back 40 acres.

No wait.   This is the norm of this film.  One of these soldiers is recording this on I guess what looked like to me a Super 8mm camera but I am probably wrong.   All such revelry is brought to a screeching halt as the Allied bombs shell the villa, thus destroying it. (Cue bang jokes)  It's like the filthiest Hogan's Heroes episode ever written.   Hookers, Nazis and Death, oh my.

Cut to 1988, as those pesky teens (those damn kids that raise the dead, disturb the monster, irk vampires and make serial slashers return from the grave) are all in a van but no mysterious hitchhikers carving on themselves and no wheelchair bound Franklin to be had.  Sorry Texas Chainsaw fans. They are in fact, driving to Paris after some sort of holiday, backpacking and touring. HIPPIES!!! Sorry, sorry. Had to get that out of my system.

Hmm, they look comfortably close. wink wink. nudge nudge.

Going off the main road (which is always bad) they see the house from the opening scenes in more or less decent condition. Being naturally nosy or sensing they must heed to the call of the lemming, they get out of the van and start to teen gang investigate. Do you see what Scooby-Doo has done to so many people?

Let's meet the gang, shall we?

Paul (Claudio Aliotti of Confessions of Emanuelle, Stay as You Are, Champagne in Paradise and Sodoma's Ghost), Celine (Maria Concetta Salieri of Sodoma's Ghost), Annie (Teresa Razzaudi of Il lupo di mare, Gli indifferenti and A Cat in the Brain) and Jean (Sebastian Harrison of Love Me Lica, Bianco Apache, Classe di ferro and Betrayal of the Dove). Thank God, no Scrappy-Doo.

Naturally they treat the villa as their own in Bloody Pit of Terror fashion. I hope that means a sweaty, oiled up Mickey Hargitay in Crimson Executioner standing. They too will know the cold embrace of the Lover of Death!  Sweet Jesus I watch some truly mind warping crap.

Loving the Fabio Fritzi suspense music going into overdrive with...some minor exposition and chatter going on. Nothing is happening to warrant the suspense chase music!!!

As they explore, of course they're going to get horny.   Perfectly feasible this chain of events would happen. Willy the Nazi (yes he is credited as such) gets to solidify and pork one of the girls.  Also completely within the realms of probability that closeted lesbian tendencies will be explored in the creeper brothel of the damned here, and why wouldn't it?

Will the kids escape? Will the orgy of the dead continue? What the hell is going on??!!!

With the sex scenes in swing you'd think Jesus Franco was directing but nope. An eye gouge later brings me right back to Fulci land. I really do not know what to take away from this film.

Out of place suspense music where nothing is happening, exposition dumps from people not facing the camera and ridiculous over the top sex sequences with classical musical score.

That must be how they say goodbye in Austria.

Don't worry my sexist pig menfolk, there is full frontal nudity. This feels like a soft core porn with a plot. It almost feels like the death scenes, story arc and character development is interfering with the porn scenes.

The film's genius is here. Egotistical Nazis, femme boyfriends, closeted lesbians. It is obvious this belongs next to Schindler's List for its authenticity and painstaking attention to detail!! BRILLIANT!!

Our English dubbing is barely two different men and I swear the same woman for all three girls so yeah; that is confusing as Hell.

I will not be putting this up there with The Beyond or Black Cat so what I took away from this is ghosts get horny and teens will suffer for it. Buckets of blood, gore, nudity and well...the story just baffled me and I managed to muck my way through Zombie Doom. Alright, that's not true but this is Fulci!!! I should have a rough idea what's going on.

So if you need vengeful ghosts, dopey teens to twenty somethings, gobs of T & A and a few eyeballs getting violence aimed at them, than look no further.

Larry Flint's Nazi Party...with boobs.  Lots of them.

Lucio Fulci's Contraband

Hey gang. Well there are more than a few of you that have asked me when the next Rotten Reelz Reviews Video Review is coming out. I finished the script last week but I haven't gotten to any of the filming yet. That will be on tomorrow's agenda. Oh don't pout. Say, how about a Lucio Fulci movie to tide you over? This time around we are actually looking past his illustrious Horror endeavors and we are going into a crime drama. With smugglers of illegal goods, gangs and cartels, how can we go wrong? This is Contraband.

Say you look like Sean Connery.  SAY IT!

Not to be confused with the Marky Mark Walberg film in 2012. Nope, we hit the way back machine and set for 1980. Ah yes, an innocent time. Stock market manipulations, Reganomics and cocaine by the truckloads.

Starring Italian film Western and Action legend Fabio Testi (The Black Hand, Speed Driver, The Hawk and the Dove, Madman at War, Mussolini and I, Torrente 3: El protector and Sottocasa)as Luca Di Angelo. He and his brother Mickey (Enrico Maisto of Naples shoots!, Corleone, Naples, a story of love and revenge, Do Not Trust the Mafia and Fear in the City) are moving their ill gotten gains in and narrowly missed getting pinched by the local cops. What results is a decent boat chase scene and co-ordination stunts fleeing the cops. Good they outran the cops the pursuit ship had a Breda M37 heavy machine gun, belt fed so those wooden boats would have been splinters and the smugglers the contents of chunky salsa.

Automatically Luca suspects a rival gangster, Scherino(Fernando Murolo of A Man Called Magnum, Bomber, California, Three Brothers, Neapolitan Sting and Sicilian Connection) for ratting them out.

Boats...it's all fitting into place now.

Luca and Mickey express their concerns to da boss, Luigi. He tells them Mario is missing and... no wait. Sorry wrong Luigi. Luigi Perlante (Saverio Marconi of Padre Padrone, Orgo, Difendimi dalla notte, Crimes love and jealousy and Inspector Montalbano). No sooner have they expressed their concerns, one of Mickey's beloved horses is killed. Yeah equine lovers will want to skip that scene, and a fake police barricade is erected (heh heh). The faux cops proceed to gun down everyone in the car.  Mickey turned to Swiss cheese but Luca escapes. Seems almost like an homage to Coppola's Godfather when Sonny gets riddled. Fulci, tipping his hat to fellow masters of film.

Sneaking into Scherino's house, Luca almost blows him away when Scherino's men jump Luca, kick the crap out of him and tell him to bounce, claiming no part in the death of his brother.

Luca starts hitting the streets to find out who the bastardo is responsible for all this when he finds out about a Frenchman heroin kingpin is moving in on Naples. The Marsigiliese (Marcel Bozzuffi of Lucky Luke, Colt 38 Special Squad, Safari Rally, The French Connection, To Catch a King and Bilbao Blues) seems to be rubbing out all the gangs left and right, staking a claim to Naples for his own empire. Oh and the title simply means of or one from Marseilles. Bit of a let down, right?

His final words were, "Jazz Hands!"

The Marsigiliese doesn't deal well with a heroin shipment getting spoiled as he takes a frickin' blowtorch to a woman's head. Yup, in case you forgot this is a Fulci movie. Expect tons of graphic violence.

With blood being spilled like so much marinara sauce, it is pretty evident that The Marsigiliese doesn't play well with others as the bodies are stacking up like cord wood. AHEM! Where are the damn cops in all of this? My God there are corpses all over the ground, blocking alleys left and right, the hell are the cops? Polizia!!!

Luca, Perlante and Scherino have a meeting about what they're gonna do about the gun happy frog and the meeting feels off. A proposal to join forces and see how to remove him from the picture but again, feels out of sorts.

The Marsigiliese offers a sit down and frankly whoever is stupid enough to break bread with this nutter butter kind of deserves everything coming to them.

Will Luca have his revenge? Can his boss agree with the Marsigiliese? With there be an offer than no one can refuse?

This is a different area of expertise for Fulci and again, commonly I have seen most of his Horror films and a Sci-Fi fantasy film called Conquest. It's dark and gritty as similar to several crime dramas of this time just coming off the cusp the seventies movies like, The French Connection, The Mechanic, Dirty Harry or The Godfather.

Great pacing, simple and elegant story line and yes my version was English dubbed so you just know some of these lines got butchered.

I can't help but notice that Fabio Testi looks like Italian Sean Connery. Similar jawlines, rugged build and hell go look at a current photo of the guy. Cuts his beard like him as well.

Had a good time with this and for the horse lovers, there's a fire but nothing anywhere near the horse. The flames are background super imposed. Yeah I was afraid we'd see smoldering horse too as a dark standing but this isn't an Italian Cannibal animal mutilation exploitation director so we can all relax.

I did start laughing at the fight in the sulfur pits because the fight number sounds like a 70's soft core porn soundtrack.

 It's sinister, moody and damn good writing that pops off the page and on the screen. This is deemed a lesser known film but I was blown away by it. Well not as blown away as Mickey of course.

Looks like Ms. Jackson's turn to be nasty.