Golgo 13

Back again boys and girls. Hold your applause. After the last night's viewing of Golgo 13: Assignment Kowloon, I was surprised to find out that it was in fact the sequel to the 1973 film. Now ordinarily I am aware of my detailed research of film facts but was stunned to find out Sonny Chiba filled in for a previous actor for the role. Meanwhile the manga and anime looks like Chiba only to now know that Ken Tarakura (The Yakuza and Black Rain) was the first man to handle the ArmaLite M-16. So with this revelation, I think it only appropriate to give the first film a viewing and see if the sequel surpassed it or at least, was equal to it. This is Golgo 13.

Hey! That's not Sonny Chiba!

 Now keep in mind the manga (Japanese comic or graphic novel) written and drawn by Takao Saito and first published in Shogakukan Big Comic Magazine has been in publication since 1968, making it the oldest manga still being produced. A quick bit of info. The code name of Golgo 13 for those that never have read the manga, Golgo is shorten from Golgotha, the place of Christ's crucifixion and referenced as the apostle Judas that hung the crown of thorns on Christ's brow. A bit dark I know.

Our anti-hero can handle a wide array of weapons such as: pistols, blades and his extensive martial arts. His specialty is a custom M16 rifle with scope where it is said, he never misses a target. So if you need his services typically you are looking a million dollars to peak his interest and best be wired to his Swiss bank account or half up front in cash.

An organization reaches out to Golgo to smoke a crime boss Boa (Ahmad Ghadakchian of The Hour of Calamity, Mirage, The Target, The Desire, The Red Line, Soil and Blood and The Escape), due to him and his chronies wiping out spies of various nations poking their noses in his business. With director of Bullet Train, Jun'ya Sato (The Private Police, Jitsuroku Shisetsu Ginza keisatsu, Manhunt, Never Give Up, G Men'82, Ku-kai and Lost in the Wilderness) this film proves he can do location, good blocking and create a complex story and appreciate the source material so far as to hire Takao Saito for the screenplay. Wise move.

Once again we are greeted with water crashing a beachhead with the Toei Company LTD logo proudly displayed. A common staple for this time. Right into a external night shot and THANK GOD not a Day for Night filter in sight! Praise God!

Our story starts in Tehran with a paranoid looking man, Evans (Ali Dehghan of A Man from the South of the City, In the Nick of Time, Entourage and Love and Violence) walking to an alley. Probably the last alley he will see. Methinks the white linen suit under the cover of dark might have pointed him out easily. With a gaggle of men pummeling the everloving crap out of this fellow, it is clear to even the most casual observer, that he is boned. After a mass beating, our white linen fellow bit off his own tongue to spare the secrets he had.

I brought a tiny man for our transaction. Is that weird?

 On to Beirut! With Evans gone; four men sent to the same assignment, all have turned up missing. Never a body to be found. After a heated debate and country borders as a problem, it is decided to just kill Boa rather than attempt another arrest. The call to Golgo 13 is out.

A teletype is going on as to establish Duke Togo's credibility, without knowledge of his birth place, nationality or even potential political ties. Seems dicey to me but hey, I'm not the guy hiring a hit man. A bit of subterfuge, Golgo sneaks in the hotel room these agents are housed in and makes sure they are on the up and up. Sneaky maneuver didn't endear him to everyone but the man is safety conscious and has made enough enemies over his tenure as a sniper, I don't blame him at all.

These Always commercials are confusing

Head of operations, Flanagan (Nosratallah Karimi of The Interim Husband, The Triple Bed, The Carriage Driver, Khane-kharab and The Uninvited Guest) tells Golgo why he is here and what the assignment is. Shockingly Boa is not an upstanding citizen but a trafficker of drugs, women and weapons. He is connected enough to have many subordinates posing as him, so Flanagan doesn't even know who the real Boa is. Should have watched a few minutes into the film, I could have told you. One more hurdle is Flanagan's secretary/agent is been dropped in Togo's lap. Now he has a babysitter Catherine (Pouri Baneai of The Black Suit Thief, Alley of Valiants, Golgo 13, Tovbekar, The Moon and a Mumur, Missile X: The Neutron Bomb Incident and Shirin) who is to take on the role of his wife as part of his cover. Apparently she is a full service girl. Um, I really don't know where to go from that, so new topic!

To add more salt to the wounds, an Inspector is trying to track down the missing girls, assumes Golgo is involved and keeps trying to arrest him.

We have car chases, gun fights, martial arts, a bit of nudity and a decent story. I would say that both this film and Golgo 13: Assignment Kowloon is on par with each other. Ken and Sonny are both excellent for the cold calculating assassin and both exhibit some level of empathy that somehow hasn't been completely ebbed out of the soul of the character. Boa's men are thugs and sadists. Some delight at the opportunity to beat their victims, others are fair shots but most are just cannon fodder. With everyone wondering who is the real Max Boa, I say smoke them all and then trace phone calls.

Got to say I was impressed with the performance of this notorious assassin and Ken Takakura was pretty convincing as the cold blooded sniper.

Okay Rob Schneider, this is were you die!

Dragon Princess

Welcome back to the blog! So after the Giallo film, I felt a need for a change-up and decided I haven't had a martial arts film with a compelling story, a collection of characters and some serious fight scenes. So normally you think Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Jet Li on maybe some Donnie Yen. This time around however I am heading back to Sonny or Shin'ichi Chiba and his Sister Street Fighter co-star Su or Etsuko Shiomi. This is Sonny Chiba's Dragon Princess a.k.a. Assassin Woman's Fist a.k.a. Lady Karate a.k.a. Dragon Princess.

Yumi's first drag queen encounter.

Wouldn't be my blog without alternative titles. A quick side note before going into the film story. Dragon Princess part of a double feature billing via Grindhouse and Drive-in with another Sonny Chiba movie, Karate Warriors.

This film opens with the Karate master, Kazuma Higaki (Sonny Chiba of Street Fighter, Return of the Street Fighter, Sister Street Fighter, Karate Inferno, Karate Warriors, Golgo 13: Assignment Kowloon, The Bushido Blade, Kill Bill: Vol. 1 and Kill Bill: Vol. 2)arriving with his daughter finding his shrine and dojo completely thrashed. A rival member of the Karate school,Hironobu Nikaido (Bin Amatsu of the Ninja Hunt, The Magic Serpent, Samurai Wolf II, Gokudo, Blackmail Is My Life and Gangster Cop) decrees Kazuma is not worthy to be teacher, a fight ensues. Kazuma is clearly the superior fighter but Nikaido will win by any means necessary, including calling in three of his boys to assist. Most dishonorable. With four masters attacking Kazuma, expect these cameramen to earn their money! Not kidding, these guys were like a sadistic ballet, moving gracefully but full of rage and focus.

CHIBA!!!

They break out blades and start cutting him down by inches, damn near bleeding him out. Between adrenaline and the need to protect his daughter, Kazuma goes head on against them. These bastards go so far to threaten his daughter's life. With a commendable defense, the sheer numbers wear Kazuma down, they damage his hand so badly and cut out one of his eyes with a Kunai knife (a farming tool, throwing weapon/dagger). The guy was stabbed under the shoulder with a Katana, stabbed the hand with a Sai and had lost his eye to a Kunai knife and still standing. BADASS!

Leaving him a broken and bitter man, Higaki doesn't give back so much as a second glance.

Alive but crippled, our former Karate master takes and trains Yumi. Pity Yumi, for she will never know another life aside from her father's need for vengeance and she will be the instrument to carry it out. They have fled to Los Angeles to Rocky montage Yumi's training, building her skills, strength and stamina. Yumi (Su Shiomi of Sister Street Fighter, Return of the Street Fighter, Sister Street Fighter: Hanging by a Thread, The Great Chase, The Gorilla Seven, Return of the Sister Fighter, Karate Warriors, Hoero tekken and Fall Guy) is as trained and prepared as she can be.

Kazuma is on his death bed explaining that he asks Yumi to keep the corruption away from Karate and avenge them both. For her loss of a childhood and his crippling. This is spurred into action when Kazuma passes away. Yumi puts her plan into action and decides she will track these men down and show them the error of their ways.

Worry not my readers, for Master Nikaido is foremost master of being a complete cheat and utter dick wagon, as his thugs, "The Big Four" are sent out to dispatch the competition for impeding Karate tournament. Seriously this guy is lacking the armor but he is in full Shredder mode. This much dishonor, you would think his ancestors haunt him in the night and laugh at his tiny willy when he is in the shower or hitting the bathroom. Maybe he has an unlicensed, nuclear accelerator in his closet.

Yumi returns to Tokyo, a land she has not been in since a child to her grandfather. Grandpa while not creepy like say; the one from Silent Night, Deadly Night does cast a lot of shade on Yumi's dead father and how he left so soon after the death of her mother. Personally I think he just needed to vent his spleen a bit. Still bad form, Grandpa.

Yumi's job been made that much more easier as she follows these asshats to get not only revenge for her father but to deal a blow to Master Nikaido's plans. Twofer!

Pirate Chiba!!!

Yumi isn't the only one on a path for vengeance. She is joined by Masahiko Okizaki (Yasuaki Kurata of The Fists of Vegeance, Fists of Revenge, The Godfather Squad, The Golden Triangle, Young Hero of Shaolin, The Legend of the Owl and Blood, the Last Vampire), who was also a target for the competition, he and his bad ass mullet don't take prisoners nor BS lightly.

Another quick bit of trivia for the New Yorkers, this was double billed with Karate Warriors on 42^nd Street Marquee in 1976 before its massive makeover in the early 2000s

Now we can easily argue this is yet another Karate/Kung Fu/Taekwondo revenge story but there is some heart to go with the action, Su is damn impressive as a martial artist and okay that piggy portion of me is enjoying seeing her in pigtails (WHAT OF IT??!!) but unlike most of these films, it is usually a son or elder male student avenging the fallen master, not a young woman let alone the daughter of said Sensei. That you find more popular in Manga or Anime but not so much the live action films.

From this and a TV pilot, Su and Sonny went on to doing more films giving her international stardom. I look forward to finding some more of Sue Shihomi's later hits. I did enjoy this one.

Unfortunately, I found my version in Public Domain and it is clearly a straight VHS to DVD transfer with piss poor rendering. 

Master Raiden...you're female now. K.

 

Torso

Well folks, I'm back. Something something headaches. Sorry it gets a bit repetive to type over and again. So after the odd film earlier I thought I would dabble back into the realm of Giallo and multi-genre director Sergio Martino (Slave of the Cannibal God, Alligator, Don't Play with Tigers, Screamers, Hands of Steel and 2019: After the Fall of New York) handles today's film. This is Torso a.k.a. The Bodies Presented Traces of Carnal Violence a.k.a. Carnal Violence.

Car problems?

We open on an erotic photo shoot with sleazy jazz for porno, a naked woman and man and some suggestive placements for dolls. Eerie looking dolls. Not sure if they are going for some interpretation of Dolly Dearest or they want to arouse Chucky but hey I never claim to understand every facet of art.  Ah good, it has devolved into a threesome or he's telling the girls a secret...with his penis. Got it!  Clearly a layout for Hustler. Where the heck was my mind?  I guess not enough in the gutter for a change. Sorry a bit too much exposition there. Journeying back after the carnal effects, we cut to an art history exhibition and lecture. Um, because they're also nude? The paintings not the class. That could be awkward.

Professor Franz (John Richardson of Black Sunday, One Million Years B.C., On a Clear Day You Can See Forever) and student Daniela (Tina Aumont of Texas Across the River, Man, Pride & Vengeance, Satyricon, Sergeant Klems and The Mechanics of Women) wrap themselves in a philosophical and spiritual debate on the paintings of Perogino and you can see the professor does have respect for her opinion. He feels that Perigino's lack of religious upbringing meant he could not possibly begin to delve into the immortality of the soul or the effects of Christianity has on the populous. Murders now! I'm having too many existential thoughts. Get to the murders. 

Student Jane (Suzy Kendall of To Sir, with Love, The Penthouse, Thunderball, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, Fraulein Doktor and Van der Valk) does her own thang. Yeah I know I will pay for that. The red herring has already planted as we are to believe it is the wanker in the neckerchief (Stefano not Fred from Scooby Doo) who is the killer. The foreshadow is fair but Daddy's not buying, kiddies. But enough of that, next sex scene. Oh and in a Mini Cooper car smaller than the Reliant Robin. Good God, this girl has to be limber for that. Hey those breasts look real. I'm confused!

Maybe Makeout Murder Point wasn't the best place for sexing it up but what do I know. After coitus, John (Fausto Di Bella of A Tale of Love, Torso, Il messia, Escape from Galaxy 3 and Computron 22) spots a ski masked perv outside the Mini and beats cheeks to catch him and give him one for; thus leaving his girl Flo (Patrizia Adiutori of Torso, Tales of Canterbury, Play the Gale or Leave the Bed, Winged Devils and Giovannona Long-Thigh) unarmed, outmanned and slasher bait. Our killer has Jason Vorhees stealth capabilities and a scarf for throttling. Serial throttler sounds like a chronic masturbator though. Don't worry. A stabbing do happen and cut scene to morning later we find John was no better off. Looks like he called Mike Tyson a mediocre boxer. 

Are we end an exposition shot?

La polizia are hard at work. Inspector Closeau er I mean Martino (Luciano De Ambrosis (Without Family, Heart and Soul, Tomorrow is Too Late, Aretino's Blue Stories, Torso and They Were Called Three Musketeers But They Were Four) is dealing with this as best as his dubbed actor will allow. Sadly he didn't get the all powerful voice of Edward Mannix but I digress, it's still imposing.

Student Carol(Conchita Airoldi of The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, Torso, Deaf Smith & Johnny Ears, The Cousin and Closed Circuit) can't stop eye banging the mysterious doctor and his fondness of scarves. If she hadn't been waved over by Daniela, I think she would have stalked the doc and given him an afternoon delight (Ask your parents, kids).

The girls decide to take a break from their classes and head to Daniela's Uncle's villa. Oh God I see where this is going. Yup probably a sentient cave, mutations and a demand for human blood. No wait, that was Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. This could be classier.

Jane and the Professor (No Mary Anne sadly) seem to hit it off very well. Dude you just made tenure, don't go blowing it over a young girl. That kind of activity will get you fired or killed. You're in a Giallo for crying out loud! Shape up!

So can you strangle girls by the dozen with this scarf?

Apparently the night time is the right time for a prostitute. Our snobby and foppish art student Stefano certainly believes that. Hmm I don't remember the conversion rate from dollars to lira, plus this is 1973 and the exchange differs now. Ugh fine I didn't want a prostitute anyway so JUST FINE! A bit of darkness ensues but no more than you expect in these films.

Carol still has her heart or loins set on the doctor as she keeps running into him. She also seems to have the hots for Daniela's Uncle? Um Daddy issues? Carol gets high with a couple of bikers and stumbles out in the worse kind of blocking. The dreaded day for night. Ugh, hate that lens.

Carol's made some poor life choices but I am sure it won't come back to haunt her too much.

With some amazing cinematography by Giancarlo Ferrando (Erotic Exploits of a Sexy Seducer, Slave of the Cannibal God, Loggerheads, A Policewoman on the Porno Squad, Alligator, The Good Thief, Ironmaster, 2019: After the Fall of New York and Warrior of the Lost World) and the handiest and heaviest Eastman Arriflex possible. They are pushing at least three cameras on this job so there is kitty in the coffers. The gore effects are pretty solid, the story has a decent pace and the cast are lovelies of both gender. Good suspense and tension is ratcheted well.

Don't worry horn dogs, plenty of nudity to go with your gore. It's Giallo for crying out loud. Going for the whole POV into the psycho-sexual madman's mind and pulled it off nicely. Of course any more sneers at kink and perversion from society's stand point and I was going to assume this was the founding fathers of the MPAA. 

You're out of order!! ALL OF YOU!!!

Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell

What do you say, kiddies? Well after Grindsploitation 8 a.k.a. Drive-In Grindhouse, I was itching for some schlocky Horror. So looking into the 90s for an obscure horror film, I will pitch the following: What do you get when you mix a pinch of Slumber Party Massacre, a dash of Evil Dead then whip to a blend of horror, action and comedy? This is Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell a.k.a. Uncle Ray's Cabin.

They primp and crimp so they may screw like rabbits.

Brought to us by American Cinema Marketing (Ghostkeeper, Moonstalker, Syngenor, Loose Ends, The Lords of Magick and The Devil Wears White) so this could go either way. They are also responsible for distribution of Hobgoblins so yeah, this might sting a bit.

So a gaggle of sorority girls go with some boys to a cabin in the woods. Yeah cause it worked so well for Bruce Campbell. Unbeknownst to them a killer breaks free from his bonds (probably due to skeleton crew or piss poor budgeting) and no Dr. Loomis in sight to tell us how he is composed of pure evil. Shot at the poorly named Mt. Baldy California, with lush campgrounds, forests for getting lost while barely clothed and easily teleporting serial killers, yeah you can do a slasher film up there.

OMG, director! the cameraman's zooming on my cleavage again.

An archeologist looks to unearth the remains of an ancient Native American tribe because (Say it with me) "It belongs in a museum!" So Not Dr. Jones gets reminded by a retiree the dead deserve their rest and to not tamper in God's domain, throw it Crazy Ralph's "It's got a death curse!" and you will still be ignored. Apparently these cats only listen to someone with two or three PhDs.

During the same time, a group of convicts are working a chain gang assignment. Oil and fire shall now commence. More like happenstance; as a busty girl on a bicycle might be distracting, long enough for a prison break. With two prison guards getting the business end of shovels, the break looks promising. Alas one guard was packing an M-16 and mullets start getting shot up. Yeah I haven't seen that many mullets outside of a Wal-Mart at three in the morning. Said perky girl Denise (Stacey Lynn of Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell and Breakfast in Bed) is blissfully unaware of the road gang carnage and to be fair, just because she had a smoking hot body, doesn't excuse the guards from not paying attention to their job.

Belinda(Dori Courtney of Tango & Cash, Mob Boss, Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell and Camp Fear) and Mary Anne (Deborah Dutch of Hard to Die,976-Evil II, Divorce Law, Dinosaur Island, Bikini Witness, Dances with Werewolves and Meathook Massacre II) planned and arranged everything so they are good to go for the party after finals. Ew except Sara (Lynette McBrearty of Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell), she's a NEEEERRRRDDDDD!!!! Oh 90s, I hardly miss you. Don't worry my sexist oinker male readers, the ladies have clearly signed as I like to call it, "The Linnea Quigley School of Nudity Clause" So too much storyline and character development getting you down? Oh look! Bewbs. You're welcome. On a serious note, that was a lot of tan lines. A night of booze, boys and basic debauchery awaits them if only it wasn't for these pesky subplots.

Table Dancing!  $10

Stock footage of Marine helicopters come the woods and residing highways looking for the last hockey hair felon. Yeah it looks near bulletproof so head shots are a no go.

Professor "I Spit on the Ancient Gods" unleashes something dark in the woods, hungry for young flesh. Well enough of that, let's check on our Crazy Ralph substitute. Uncle Ray!

Uncle Ray (Douglas Koth of Critters, Checking Out, Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell and Equal Justice) is just a day away from crawling inside a whiskey barrel and not facing the world. But having his face morphed into a near terror mask while he serves a talking cave fresh blood is something that does not commonly come up in conversation. Oh Uncle Ray? Yeah he got warped by an evil, sentient cave and is doomed to roam the Earth in search of blood. Pass the potatoes, please?

You get the overall vibe of the movie. Slasher and creature horror, soft porn situations, some less than stellar dialogue with humor as well. Maybe it is the line delivery. Maybe I have seen too many films of this particular ilk. (Ilk, not a big deer) I am not certain but I can say it was diverting, silly and a little bit campy. Clearly the creator did not want to take this completely seriously. I mean just look at the title alone. Very tongue in cheek but I was wondering why the unrequited love between frat bros Skip and Steve was never to be. They seem damn near murderous when spying on Belinda and her new guy. Seriously, they were mere hours away from going to the hardware store for chainsaws and hedge clippers.

The creature SFX is fair. No it's not Rick Baker quality and yeah I can tell there is a lot of rubber that poor guy was sweltering in but honestly, they tried. They looked at this goofy script and went, "Yeah, I think I can make this happen." Ballsy.

Where else are you going to find a monster working for a talking cave? The cave demands more blood!

Beyond Botox!!!

Drive-In Grindhouse

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. It appears that I have been called upon to review some new work of director/editor Dustin Ferguson (Doll Killer, Die Sister, Die!, Gloved Murderess, Cheerleader Camp: To the Death, Invitation to Die, Nemesis 5: The New Model and Robowoman). Yes years ago I was sneering at Camp Blood 4 when the young director contacted and reopened my eyes to Indie Horror. Forgot the roots but no longer is that an issue. Thanks to Dustin. So I am to look at an anthology set of Indie Horrors and first off, you got to love this level of networking. Men and women gathered under the mutual love of the genre and organizing to showcase their work. Edited by SoCal Cinema Studios and produced by A Troma Team Release via B movie master Uncle Lloydie himself, Lloyd Kaufman. This is Drive-In Grindhouse a.k.a. Grindsploitation 8.

Perhaps a Killer Queen. Dynamite with a laser beam?

Admittedly, the production companies, MrSheltonTV Media and Schlock Productions made my Spidey senses tingle but again the company names are clearly in good fun. So let's sit in for some faux trailers and some short story horrors. With a grand tally of 15 directors, these short stories and faux trailers could be a bit. 3 and a half hours long to be exact. Let's see how it goes.

We open with an eerie synthesizer effect and a flyer for virtual reality wanting volunteers, will pay! Yeah experimental tech is always good to be a guinea pig. A big fella is there for the Grindhouse Experience and a slightly creepy guy invites him in. Why the big guy needs dish washing gloves is beyond me. With a VR rig establishing all forms of Exploitation, a menu drop down rig allows the user to immerse with the each subgenre. Nunsploitation, Naziploitation, Blaxploitation, Sexploitation, the ever popular Women in Prison (popular way too much for some of my readers) and Uncut or Uncensored if you will.

With a direct link to the neuro pathways, the VR sprite is attacking and our boy is getting the feedback through his nerves as if he has been assaulted with weapons.

And down, down the rabbit hole we go. FYI, we just saw the opening segment as credits. Trippy, right? Few title cards and some death metal later, we open to folks toking in a car as we are having a meta key (a creation referring itself or the conventions of the genre) moment, the actress in Moon of the Blood Beast is with friends watching the film within a film. A trailer for the Moon of the Blood Beast which has a decent narration as the girl is stalked POV style and right into another exploitation trailer using its previous footage. Looks like I put in the trailers for Hard Boiled, The Prowler and Not of this Earth. MUUUUtant Monks From Outer Spaaaaace!!! What? I can have fun too, you know. Hmm guess this would be Aussieploitation?

Vash the Stampede??

Our first segement is Phantoms of the Fog by director Chris Milewski (The Cold Eyes of Death, Violets Bloom at an Empty Grave, The World of Shadows and POE 4: The Black Cat). It's got a real Amando de Ossorio, Tombs of the Blind Dead vibe with its opening shoot. Possibly a Lucio Fulci, City of the Living Dead feel. A Vietnam Horror themed film? Cool. A soldier (Ryan Fargo of Wannabees, Phantoms of the Fog and Drive-In Grindhouse) awakes in this fog ridden land and hey bonus points director, for having him in an M-65 field jacket!!! Props, people. Loving them.

With no firearms, blade, radio, rations or water, our grunt stumbles through the jungle not knowing where he is. There's something out there. It lives...in those woods. Stalking our young soldier. Finding an empty range bag, ammo box and a working coms, soldier calls for a position. He looks decidedly creeped out and with good reason. He's being POV stalked. Soldier boy is hung up on a crude EOD (Explosives Ordnance Device) and something is still lurking out there.

Our next short story Death Like Me directed by Ruben Rodriguez (Sisters, It Requires Sacrifice, They Exist, Zombie, 60 Seconds to Die and Just Desserts) tells the tale of a home aide Genesis (Ghevon Sebastian of Emotional Intelligence, The Quad, Black Lightning, Vengeance: Killer Lovers) with a deep seeded need for murder. Bet that didn't get put on her resume. Also seems a bit intorverted, so yeah not very outgoing in the least. Shot with a black and white filter post production, sets more of a tone or maybe even shades of grey.
Her friend Luis (writer/director/actor/second unit and editor Will Fonseca of Table One, Billy's Choice, Winter Solstice, El bandido, and Here to Stay) is trying to get his party on but Genesis is dragging her feet. With elements of Poe sprinkled in, our girl bit of a creeper. Obsessed with the notions, dreams and even random flashes of death, the girl seems lost.
A hapless drunk (Lucio Fernadez of Magic Sticks, 30 Rock Vampire in Union City, the Death of April and Paiting Linda)lands in her lap, providing her such options. Now I am not saying she's unhinged but she is having a conversation Believe the clinical term is: "Crackers!!" Naturally one hits the bar to drown the crazy voices in her head when she gets a Cosmo sent to her by a secret admirer. With a little light conversation, some miscommunication, Genesis takes her back to her creeper pad. Just not in the fashion you are probably accustomed to.

Hmm Fulci or Mattei influence?

With a trailer of Curse of the Monkey Beast an exploitation I completely spaced to mention Kung Fu flicks. Yeah a monkey beast must fight for honor as a white guy spanks this monkey up and down the grounds. Let us not forget the terrifying Beast Rage, ghost house and cannibalistic tendencies, oh my. Another quick bit of Kung Fu is Sifu vs The Undead Warrior. I think the Chromeskull and robed villain of the piece is supposed to be Jiangshi (Chinese Hopping Vampire that sucks Qi). Dear God it is amazing some of the goofy trivia I know. Sifu (Clive McKenzie of Project V: The Viper, Show Me Da Money, Merry Kissmas and Halloween Creep Tales) is locked in mortal combat with a being of ancient standing and dark forces, the Jiangshi (John H. Shelton of Z (Zombie) Reviews, Fragile Minds, Clownsploitation, Grindsploitation 666, Halloween Hell Night and The Isolated Heart). Sifu must defeat his awesome nemesis and then continue to walk the Earth, writing wrongs. Moving on.

SUMMON IRON FISTS!!!

Hmm an sepia blend, some girl experiencing blood letting, a random shot of a horse in a corral. Umm take that Jean Paul Satre! Um something something, madness takes over. Regret and shame. Any who.

Now how about a 15 minute saga of Inanna, the Queen of Heaven? Director/actress/producer Tritia DeViSha (Kali Geisha Erotica Grotesque, Exit from Eden: The Story of Lilith, Cannibal Barbecue and Inanna, The Queen of Heaven) with an ancient goddess made flesh Inanna, Goddess of Lust and War seeks to rule her lands with fairness but is almost prone to a temper.  No I am not doing a sexist joke.  Respect my boundaries.
 
After the armies of Gilamesh (Andrew Lutomski of Counter Play, Vikings Now and Inanna, the Queen of Heaven) came before Inanna, she invites Gilamesh for a conference...in her bedroom...clothing optional. Though a striking beauty, Gilamesh keeps his wits about him. Guess it's like sleeping with a crazy girl, the sex can be amazing but palm a blade just in case. Spurned by Gilamesh, Inanna made demands the mightiest warrior to slay her would-be betrothed. The Bull of Heaven (Matt Jones of Silver Strand, Traffik, Neighbours, Night Shift and Drive-In Grindhouse) was summoned to do her bidding. Dude's pretty cut so maybe substitute lover? Just an idea there, Inanna. Slaughtering dozens of his men, the Bull and Gilamesh (Way to step in late, brah) mix it up.

Can a Sumerian use a Trojan? Gonna need one soon.

Next up seems to be a satire on the roaring 20s as the inhabitants of this dinner party I am convinced escaped the loony bin. Squabbling among themselves during the funeral of their late grandfather we have a couple with the couth of NASCAR fans, a gold digging flapper and a pompous professor. Using a Ouija board (because that's never a bad idea) the hopeless quartet conjures a minor spirit guide who warns them this game is pretty standard but not to dip their hands into the treasure of jewels, for it will unleash the denizens of Hell loose upon them, dragging them down, down down. And apparently a meta time shift. Must have been wibbly wobbly. Being the greedy and foolish asshats that they were, of course they took the jewels.

A few more phony trailers. Got to say liked Sanguine Addiction for pace and warped notions.

On to Roulette. A couple are killing time or just need more of a thrill in their relationship so why not some Russian Roulette? Skipping some levels there, people. Get a marital aid or a threesome going. Going right to the revolver? What will you have to look forward to in your golden anniversary? But of course the game gets interrupted by a Mormon. Mary (Chasiti Vannatta of Amateurs, Roulette and Drive-In Grindhouse) and Henry (Josh Schanderof Roulette and Drive-In Grindhouse) look a little annoyed but decide to hear this stranger out. Discovering the Roulette revolver, the stranger decides to sit in the game. Guess it's hard to push the good book?

Hmm, that is a fifty on the ground but I might get clubbed.

On to Cannibal Maniac via writer/director/producer Kyle Rappaport (Horror Talk Movie Reviews, and Cannibal Maniac). The sit rep is a schmo goes down the stairs of a filthy basement to be stabbed by a nut in a mask that looks to weight about 150.   Not really that intimidating to my way of thinking but I could be wrong.  Schmo wakes up on a makeshift table in said basement a wee bit scared. A bit of shakey cam and gore effects on the inexpensive. Nothing new but well orchestrated. Got the whole found film footage feel to it.

Um we have a short that sounds like the funkadelic only found in porn titles. Feels like a PSA on how to steal a girl's man. The observation gags are funny, the girl has decent projection but I am not exactly sure what is going on.

Chad Media is POV and apparently our camera man is obsessed with Troma Scream Queen Debbie Rochon in the shower. Well...yeah can't really fault him. She is pretty damn gorgeous. Chad Media is so cheap they aren't giving the cameraman a salary but they can fix it to hook up with Debbie. Did they bother to tell her?

How about a Troma promo booty girl? Yeah why not. Twerk away. Then we get a punk cover and a Troma reel of hits. Kinda cool.

Now some slasher fun? The Killer Plumber 2: Here's Barry!!! Brought to us by director/actor/writer Ross Heath (The Killer Plumber, Halloween Hell Night, Knock Knock knock, and Pushed too Far) and writer/actor Chris John Livermore (Halloween Hell Night, Case Files, The Killer Plumber 2 and Creamy Boy) with actress Rahel Kapsaski (Xandermonium, Alice and the Last Lottery, Waxhouse Rock, Doctor Slime, Grindsploitation 666, Molly, and Mephisto's House of Ill Repute)

Clogged drain? Well clearly call the Killer Plumber. A deranged maniac perhaps, but his rates are quite reasonable. With a bit of handy cam, some homemade effects, and some unusual camera angles, this isn't a bad showcase of talent. Could use some lighting schemes and maybe a shotgun mic but overall sets the mood. 

Young lady, stop sexting at the dinner table!

So with this collective levels of film skills, budget and creativity happening, it's time for the last gasp with Big Blind by director/writer Dane Keil (Creative Differences, Xenophobia, Make Games, Not War, Potatoes from Outer Space, Clownsploitation and Drive-In Grindhouse).

This film comes off as positively Noir in tone and vision. Already you have my attention, sir. With an undercover cop, Horace (Kelly Melerine of Decepticons, For Michelle, The Big Blind and Sanguine Addiction) inflitrated a high stakes poker game with a mob boss Tommy (Kevin J. O'Connor of Last Vegas, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Banshee, Constantine, Mile 22 and Drive-In Grindhouse) in the hopes to free his moll (mob girlfriend or misstress) Natalia (Victoria U Bell of the Getaway, The Big Blind, Your Lips Kiss Well, but They Lie Better and The Agony) from the scumbag's hands, it's all in the cards. This is shot like a pulp fiction dime novel with flashback sequences, grit and determination. Hey why are those mooks pummeling Lloyd Kaufman? Meh, maybe he owed them money. Tension is high, the henchmen look like they're about to jump our hero and I am completely digging the jazz as background music.

Ultimately, you have a plethora of talent operating on their own, striving to create original pieces and on a shoestring budget. Admittedly 3 and a half hours is fairly long but it really showcases what these folk can do with a bit of creativity and multiple genres. I mean there are several chunks of this I was really impressed with. Grab a copy on Troma Now and give it a watch. Maybe you'll enjoy it as well.

You will find the passages in the Necronomicon...

Empire of the Dark

Hey folks. With the passing of character actor Joseph Pilato (Captain Rhodes of Day of the Dead) happening and some few requests for a Richard Harrsion film, I thought I would kill two birds with one stone. That is until I realized today's movie has the trifecta of "Oh Boy." with the director/writer/lead protagonist all being Steve Barkett (The Aftermath, Beverly Hills Vamp, Wizards of the Demon Sword, Dinosaur Island, Hard Bounty and Droid Gunner), I may have stepped into it. We will see. This is Empire of the Dark a.k.a. Evil Night.

Stevie Nicks' videos are weird.

Quick question for those that requested it, um who is Richard Harrison? I mean aside from the snippets of footage of him in several Godfrey Ho films, I really don't know about Richard Harrison at all. He did a handful of the Sword and Sandals flicks for Umberto Lenzi and Antonio Margheriti. Other than that, I really don't know much about him.

So fellas, being a divorced guy I know the score. You break up, the ex wants to explore new places, meet new people and typically she falls into a cult. Am I right? Well for Richard Flynn P.I. (Steve Barkett), it's just another day in the life. Yes rather than chasing down a cheating husband or bail jumper, our "Hero" is involved in a mystery. The main mystery how this film got any financing.

The ex-wife Angela (Tera Hendrickson of Havana, Empire of the Dark, Deadly Dancer, Casino, Delta, Roseanne and Ellen) pleads for Richard to save her baby and Bulbous Man springs into action. Well, he sort of shoots a lot and does the hero trope "NooOoOOOOOO!!!" when she dies.

Going through a other dimensional vortex, Flynn (who looks like he should be doing my dry wall and not an action hero) fends off a cult, rescues a stolen baby and travels back through the vortex victoriously. 20 years later, he has been in rigid training... by that I mean he doesn't miss a buffet at the Golden Corral, has the martial weapons prowess of a blind baboon with two clubbed feet and apparently is a crack shot with a revolver stuck on unlimited ammo mode.

Our protagonist is a doughy boy, balding while wearing a Jeff Foxworthy mustache, has the fight choreography prowess of a bloated walrus and looks like he is going to have a heart attack in every action scene.

Doughy Man with realistic sausagey fingered grip!

Our crazed cult leader Arkham (Richard Harrison of Secret Agent Fireball, Messalina vs the Son of Hercules,Terror Force Commando, Ninja Dragon, Diamond Ninja Force, The Ninja Showdown, Above the War, Rescue Force and Highway to Hell), a well-built, martial artist and with tons of films under his belt is...the Master from Manos? Oh sorry, he is the cult's leader that is attempting to bring the unspeakable evil to the world and Hell may reign over the planet for all eternity!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yeah, so there's that.

Poor actor/vo actor Joe Pilato (Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, The Young and The Restless, Terminal Force, Shooters, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., Fatal Passion, BeetleBorgs, Star Trek: Starfleet Academy and Wishmaster) was given an old man wig and a cane and next to no direction. He literally looked baffled, confused and no idea what he signed up for. This man can play a hard ass, a good uncle and a decent cop. In this? Well your guess is as good as mine.

Yes! Axe Body Spray ads, you didn't lie!

The more this film goes on, I feel like it's that Neil Breen's (Double Down) bible. I mean this is just painful. The blocking is laughable, more than half of Barkett's lines have clearly been ADR in and the guy barely sounds like him. A gaggle of women added to this flick are unaccredited, probably because it would bring great shame to their families and the broadswords they are using are clearly replicas that are heavier than actual spring steel or aluminum blades.

NO ONE has any stunt safety. They chucked an actual spear at Barkett and he ducks in time. Meanwhile my brain is reeling from how badly that stunt could have ended. They're called jump cuts!!! You brain dead ass!!! His sidekick son (actual son Christopher Barkett) looks either bored, clueless from scene to scene or simply emotes as well as Dad. So if that was what you were going for, bravo! You aced that!

So you get those Toto tickets you promised me, Satan?

The blocking is terrible, there are scenes that clearly need retakes, lighting is...okay. Sound quality? Dear God he needed a better boom mic or put a windsock on it. Hell the title doesn't even make sense when there was no empire to speak of. The alternative title doesn't add up either given this took place longer than a night.

This movie looks like what you would show film students the dos and don'ts of film making. Have some level of budget to include some fight choreography, aluminum blades for most scenes and some real steel blades for close up shots. When you go this ambitious, remember that as the lead actor you can get HURT! Look I am not kicking this man in the stomach. I can see the passion he has for the project. He wants this to come off as a hybrid of Brosnan's Death Wish meets Krull but baby it just ain't so.   Hell I am amazed they had blank firing guns and didn't just risk almost shooting each other.

The creature effects, stop motion animations, miniature scale and overall visual effects from Jim Davison of 4 Ward Productions (Bride of Re-Animator, The Great Los Angeles Earthquake, Batman Returns, Honey, I Blew Up the Kid and Tremors 4: The Legend Begins) is solid work. But when you have this donut muncher shooting at a bunch of guys in robes with a sit prone firing position with almost every response to the danger, it loses its luster. Which really blows because the creature effects and scale models looked damn good.

With all these extras that were clearly friends and family, you forget there are actual actors trying their best with this script that you wouldn't wipe your butt with. You'd use poison ivy or something more irritating, like a Paul W. S. Anderson script.

For God's sake, learn a hip throw and just get a black training mat for your opponent/stuntman to land on! Simulate a throat strike, snap kick at a knee, grab a rubber knife and slash a throat!

At the end of the day, if you need an unintentional comedy, here's your flick. Need a drinking game movie? You're in luck. You want a story that isn't so convoluted, goofy and the lead protagonist having less sex appeal than roadkill, well go look at anything else. Hell even Krull. Yeah sorry, still not a fan.

Damn you, Axe Body Spray! Again with this crap!!