Bright

So I'm back. Yeah, yeah. I've been gone and missed Halloween movie reviews. So with all the police complaints throughout the cities of this country, I thought I would get a film from the long back when 2017 (yeah my nephew loves that so long ago comment to watch me twitch). A view of the LAPD, magic and meta beings. With copious amounts of car chases, gun fights worthy of a John Woo film and snappy patter, I feel this film is sorely underrated. This is Bright. 

 

What do you mean you didn't like Fresh Prince?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Through the lens of writer/director David Ayer (U-571 The Fast and the Furious, Training Day, Dark Blue, S.W.A.T., End of Watch, Fury, Suicide Squad and Training Day TV series) shows a world looking like a modern day Middle Earth with Orcs, Elves, Fairies and every other fairy tale creature in between. Imagine exotic elves dominating Malibu, Orcs drinking 40s in South Central and humans of every color and class crammed in this expanded desert city. 

 With a long road to recovery, Officer Daryl Ward (Will Smith of Independence Day, Bad Boys, Men in Black, Wild Wild West, Ali, I, Robot, Shark Tale and I Am Legend) is fit for duty and to get back to the streets.   His partner, an Ork named Nick Jakoby (Joel Edgerton of The Hard Word, The Secret Life of Us,Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones, King Arthur, Kinky Boots, Smokin' Aces, Whisper and Dirt Game) failed to catch Ward's shooter and it has caused some tension between the two. Vowing to start a new day and not getting old hard feelings back, the boys roll into the station, load the shop and back out into town.   Dealing with routine pick ups, cruising the neighborhood, Ward is told by IA (Internal Affairs) they don't trust Jakoby's account of the shootout that landed Ward in the hospital. They want to can him but they can't just open end fire him without huge blow back. Ward agrees to record Jakoby's confession and get IA off his ass.

 

Ugh, I can smell talking monkeys.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Towards the end of shift, the boys roll down to South Central to a possible gunfight. As they investigate a building with a mass amount of dead assailants, our cops run into Tikka (Lucy Fry of Lightning Point, Reef Doctors, Mako Mermaids, Vampire Academy, Now Add Honey, Mr. Church, Wolf Creek, The Darkness and She's Missing) a young elf girl running scared with a terrifying weapon, a magic wand. With an explosion and a substantial gun fight, the Barrio hoods heard about the wand and now the crap storm is moving into an tsunami. 

 Subplot 2 indicates The FBI's Magic Division are trailing a wand user. She's a renegade elf name of Leilah (Noomi Rapace of Daisy Diamond, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, Millennium, Beyond, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows and Prometheus). It would appear she and her minions...hmm lackeys? Lick spittles? Yay! Lick spittles! Anyway she and her lick spittles are trying to resurrect a being known as The Dark Lord and bring about an era of darkness the world hasn't seen in 5,000 years. 

 

Please sir, more gruel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subplot 3 gives us Leilah and her lackeys hot in pursuit after Ward, Jakoby and Tikka to reclaim the wand and go about the ending of the world. With corrupt cops, L.A. Gangbangers, FBI not knowing who is the good guys and renegade elves, Ward and Jakoby are in the soup and brother that soup is scalding. Trying to think, catch their collective breaths and not kill one another; the boys have to protect Tikka and the wand from all this crazy that only L.A.can produce. 

Where to even begin with this flick? The racist and class issues tone is perfect. The ignorance of races and hatred of the haves and have nots holds true to these misconceptions we all have a tendency to cling to. Realizing all the elves are in Malibu makes me wonder how many spray tanned, bleach teethed white folk got tossed out of the neighborhood for "lowering the tone'. Just made me laugh is all. 

 

 

Ward and Jakoby both are openly mocked by their own. As members of minorities, folk that have been brutalized by cops of the generations, it seems obscene that either of these men would be cops in many eyes. This would be the second film both Will Smith and Jay Hernadez was in with David Ayer. The first being Suicide Squad. Yet another underrated film of David Ayer. It's violent, it's graphic and yes fellas; there's a bit of titty in it. Trust me, you will stay in for the story as well. More gun play than a Lethal Weapon flick. Hell the shots look like an homage to John Woo's A Better Tomorrow. 

 Can you let the kids watch it? Well...I'm not a parent but overall it's not that big a deal violence, language and nudity wise but again; I am not a parent. It's ultimately the parents' call. For the parents however, yeah you will get a serious gut laugh in some of these scenes. I own this and it gets slipped into the regular watching. Have a good one and sorry for the hiatus.

 

A malefic, murderous, Maybeline model?

 

Empire of the Dark

Hey folks. With the passing of character actor Joseph Pilato (Captain Rhodes of Day of the Dead) happening and some few requests for a Richard Harrsion film, I thought I would kill two birds with one stone. That is until I realized today's movie has the trifecta of "Oh Boy." with the director/writer/lead protagonist all being Steve Barkett (The Aftermath, Beverly Hills Vamp, Wizards of the Demon Sword, Dinosaur Island, Hard Bounty and Droid Gunner), I may have stepped into it. We will see. This is Empire of the Dark a.k.a. Evil Night.

Stevie Nicks' videos are weird.

Quick question for those that requested it, um who is Richard Harrison? I mean aside from the snippets of footage of him in several Godfrey Ho films, I really don't know about Richard Harrison at all. He did a handful of the Sword and Sandals flicks for Umberto Lenzi and Antonio Margheriti. Other than that, I really don't know much about him.

So fellas, being a divorced guy I know the score. You break up, the ex wants to explore new places, meet new people and typically she falls into a cult. Am I right? Well for Richard Flynn P.I. (Steve Barkett), it's just another day in the life. Yes rather than chasing down a cheating husband or bail jumper, our "Hero" is involved in a mystery. The main mystery how this film got any financing.

The ex-wife Angela (Tera Hendrickson of Havana, Empire of the Dark, Deadly Dancer, Casino, Delta, Roseanne and Ellen) pleads for Richard to save her baby and Bulbous Man springs into action. Well, he sort of shoots a lot and does the hero trope "NooOoOOOOOO!!!" when she dies.

Going through a other dimensional vortex, Flynn (who looks like he should be doing my dry wall and not an action hero) fends off a cult, rescues a stolen baby and travels back through the vortex victoriously. 20 years later, he has been in rigid training... by that I mean he doesn't miss a buffet at the Golden Corral, has the martial weapons prowess of a blind baboon with two clubbed feet and apparently is a crack shot with a revolver stuck on unlimited ammo mode.

Our protagonist is a doughy boy, balding while wearing a Jeff Foxworthy mustache, has the fight choreography prowess of a bloated walrus and looks like he is going to have a heart attack in every action scene.

Doughy Man with realistic sausagey fingered grip!

Our crazed cult leader Arkham (Richard Harrison of Secret Agent Fireball, Messalina vs the Son of Hercules,Terror Force Commando, Ninja Dragon, Diamond Ninja Force, The Ninja Showdown, Above the War, Rescue Force and Highway to Hell), a well-built, martial artist and with tons of films under his belt is...the Master from Manos? Oh sorry, he is the cult's leader that is attempting to bring the unspeakable evil to the world and Hell may reign over the planet for all eternity!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yeah, so there's that.

Poor actor/vo actor Joe Pilato (Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, The Young and The Restless, Terminal Force, Shooters, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., Fatal Passion, BeetleBorgs, Star Trek: Starfleet Academy and Wishmaster) was given an old man wig and a cane and next to no direction. He literally looked baffled, confused and no idea what he signed up for. This man can play a hard ass, a good uncle and a decent cop. In this? Well your guess is as good as mine.

Yes! Axe Body Spray ads, you didn't lie!

The more this film goes on, I feel like it's that Neil Breen's (Double Down) bible. I mean this is just painful. The blocking is laughable, more than half of Barkett's lines have clearly been ADR in and the guy barely sounds like him. A gaggle of women added to this flick are unaccredited, probably because it would bring great shame to their families and the broadswords they are using are clearly replicas that are heavier than actual spring steel or aluminum blades.

NO ONE has any stunt safety. They chucked an actual spear at Barkett and he ducks in time. Meanwhile my brain is reeling from how badly that stunt could have ended. They're called jump cuts!!! You brain dead ass!!! His sidekick son (actual son Christopher Barkett) looks either bored, clueless from scene to scene or simply emotes as well as Dad. So if that was what you were going for, bravo! You aced that!

So you get those Toto tickets you promised me, Satan?

The blocking is terrible, there are scenes that clearly need retakes, lighting is...okay. Sound quality? Dear God he needed a better boom mic or put a windsock on it. Hell the title doesn't even make sense when there was no empire to speak of. The alternative title doesn't add up either given this took place longer than a night.

This movie looks like what you would show film students the dos and don'ts of film making. Have some level of budget to include some fight choreography, aluminum blades for most scenes and some real steel blades for close up shots. When you go this ambitious, remember that as the lead actor you can get HURT! Look I am not kicking this man in the stomach. I can see the passion he has for the project. He wants this to come off as a hybrid of Brosnan's Death Wish meets Krull but baby it just ain't so.   Hell I am amazed they had blank firing guns and didn't just risk almost shooting each other.

The creature effects, stop motion animations, miniature scale and overall visual effects from Jim Davison of 4 Ward Productions (Bride of Re-Animator, The Great Los Angeles Earthquake, Batman Returns, Honey, I Blew Up the Kid and Tremors 4: The Legend Begins) is solid work. But when you have this donut muncher shooting at a bunch of guys in robes with a sit prone firing position with almost every response to the danger, it loses its luster. Which really blows because the creature effects and scale models looked damn good.

With all these extras that were clearly friends and family, you forget there are actual actors trying their best with this script that you wouldn't wipe your butt with. You'd use poison ivy or something more irritating, like a Paul W. S. Anderson script.

For God's sake, learn a hip throw and just get a black training mat for your opponent/stuntman to land on! Simulate a throat strike, snap kick at a knee, grab a rubber knife and slash a throat!

At the end of the day, if you need an unintentional comedy, here's your flick. Need a drinking game movie? You're in luck. You want a story that isn't so convoluted, goofy and the lead protagonist having less sex appeal than roadkill, well go look at anything else. Hell even Krull. Yeah sorry, still not a fan.

Damn you, Axe Body Spray! Again with this crap!!

Forgotten Fantasy: Amazons

How do my readers! A fine greetings for the week as we pull up some obscure Sci-Fi Fantasy titles. Yeah I know in my heart there is a better than 60% chance of topless and full frontal nudity but I wanted to see if any of these B movie sword and sorcery flicks would be entertaining. Remember Beastmaster was dubbed a B movie and most folks enjoyed that...in spite of the accidental poisoning of the tiger.  Moving on, we speak of tales and saga of a tribe of vicious warrior women as they are froth with danger, sorcery, rival tribes and unknown consequences. This is Amazons a.k.a. Amazon and the Tribe of Amazons.

Strut girl, strut.

Guided by producer/director Alejandro Sessa (Amazons, Stormquest, Deathstalker, The Warrior and the Sorceress, Barbarian Queen, Cocaine Wars and Wizards of the Lost Kingdom) our title card sequence opens with some synthesizer scoring worthy of Goblin brought to us by composer Oscar Cardozo Ocampo (I Did Kill Facundo, El gordo catastrofe, Cerro Cora, From the Abyss, Deathstalker, Funny Dirty Little War, Amazons, Stormquest, Babilonia and Two to Tango) and produced by none other than Roger Corman, I know I am in for a whirlwind. We open to a woodland/desert area and it looks like they took over a national park but in fact is Bueno Aires in Argentina. We have soldiers in dubious leather/chain-mail with spears and shields roaming about this kingdom and evening katas with deer skinned draped females making me think this lost tribe is easier to find than the synopsis on the DVD suggested. Also my print is clearly a badly translated VHS copy to DVD so not feeling good about this already.

I have a rock in my bikini and your knees are on fire.

The ladies work out with pole arms and staves when then it becomes a shaolin monk style training as they smash hanging clay pots that clearly have not been fired and allowed to harden. Love the stock sound of thunderclouds in a clear night sky. We have a dark robed sorcerer king attempting to be all empowering but lacking the Sir Christopher Lee height, basso voice and creeper Dracula stare, King Kalungo (Joseph Whipp of Escape from Alcatraz, General Hospital, A Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream) threatens the harmony of the land, the elder warns the young warriors without the Sword of Azundati (Magical MacGuffin or plot device) all is lost to combat against Kalungo's magics and his vile army. Just then cheesy post-production lighting strikes happen in random intervals allowing the pyrotechnics to blow up their mild squibs...uh I mean evil sorcery is clearly at work here!

Aren't you glad you used Dial? Don't you wish all the Dark Ages did?

With the main village under attack it is the king's command that the Spirit Stone (yet another MacGuffin of magical content) be removed from the city for safe keeping by Tashinge (Danitza Kingsley of Amazons, No Man's Land, South of Reno, Jack's Back and Where Sleeping Dogs Lie), warrior woman general of the Amazons and spokes model of leather brassier. With the Spirit Stone in tow, Tashinge leads her warriors out of the city. Kalungo appeases his demon master Baliguri (Francisco Cocuzza of Night of the Pencils, Amazons, Two to Tango, Play Murder for Me, The Plague and Ever Changing Waters) who appears in the form of a balding man of 5'8". Residing hairline! The work of the dark master!!! Thank the gods for no wavering bikini lines. Well aside from this being a female protagonist tale there is plenty of male sexist pigdom in it. Convenient bathing times, a shape-shifting lioness and so on. Warriors Dyala (Mindi Miller of Hell Up in Harlem, Body Double, Deadly Embrace, Return Fire, Caged Fury and Batman Returns)and Tashi (Penelope Reed of Amazons, The New Mike Hammer, Gung Ho, Far Out Man and Hollywood Boulevard II) must journey to the high mountains through the were lands (land of creatures and demons) to gain the Sword of Azundati to defeat Kalungo.

Okay the fight/sword choreography was clear that they did not hire the late Bob Anderson(most sought-out swordsmaster/fight choreographer and stunt coordinator from The Master Ballantre, Crossed Swords, Casino Royale, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, Superman II, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, Highlander, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King and The Revenant) but Arturo Neal (Barbarian Queen, The Warrior and the Sorceress, Stormquest, Highlander II: The Quickening, Two to Tango and Corrupt Police) understood enough from the equivalency of the SCA's quarterstaff, broadsword and pole arm combat. The cinematography on the other hand was lacking a stabilizer for more than 40 percent of the film, I got the feeling some of these cameramen were hanging off cliff edges getting aerial shots, some cherry picker shots vs using a crane angle, loads of mount the tripod in the grass and hope the trained horses don't bump into it. That is if the cameras could ever stay in focus.

Robert Duvall??!!  No wait. Nah it isn't.

The stop motion transformation of the lioness to human was a bit hokey with stock footage as well, the lightning strikes were...a bit painful and the grappling,fist fights looked too staged so no real aid on set but standard first aid my guess. Most of the sets looked like cardboard, Styrofoam and less than believable and despite all of this, you have a tale of two women putting aside their family squabbles in order to save their kingdom, matriarch and the people they have sworn to protect. The nudity isn't overwhelming and surprisingly tastefully shot. Funny that is were I expected the shaking of cameras. Yeah I was kidding. Implied rape scenes seem to be a Post Apocalpyse and Sci-Fi Fantasy need. Ugh. Half of the time these fur clad bikinis are actually less tasteful then 1,000,000 Years B.C.

Oh look boys, a nude scene...kinda.

Sequel in Name Only: Highlander: The Final Dimension

And we are back! Yeah hold the applause because I haven't even described the movie. As many of you know, I am a huge Highlander fan. I have endured the movies, TV series and hell even the Amanda spin-off. I vaguely recall the cartoon and managed to skip the horrific video game for the Jaguar console but I own both Connor and Duncan's blades so yeah I am pretty nerdy for this franchise. When I was almost 15, The Quickening my brother and I begged our mom to go to it. No sooner the line, "Yes, yes I remember. The beginning, 500 years ago, on the planet Zeist. We planned rebellion, we met in secret, always careful to avoid our deadly enemy, General Katana." It was this point my bro and I looked at each other, looked at our tickets, looked up at the screen and realized we were in for some hurt. Retcon! SoOoOo... imagine a universe where Highlander II didn't happen but apparently the Kurgan wasn't the last immortal to do battle with Connor. Confused? Good, you are clearly on the right path. This is Highlander: The Final Dimension.

So I am not really an alien.  Sorry about that.

Miramax going through its transitions of alternate titles like they did with the nip and tuck or outright neutering of Halloween 6, Highlander III alternative titles on the board, posters and TV ads were thus: Highlander III: The Sorcerer, Highlander III: The Magician, Highlander 3: The Final Conflict, Highlander 3, Highlander: The Magician and Highlander: The Sorcerer. Hell I have more enough comic books to point out the alternative titles via posters. Moving on, NO MORE ZEIST! Yup that storyline just completely ignored with no explanation. I would like to think Ramirez and MacLeod were in Brazil licking toads and tripping balls but that is just my theory. Instead Connor (Christopher Lambert of Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes, To Kill a Priest, Fortress, Gunmen, The Hunted and Beowulf) has journeyed to Japan after the death of Heather, his first wife in search of a mentor, the ancient Nakano (Mako of M*A*S*H*, The Incredible Hulk, Romance Theatre, Hawaiian Heat, Conan the Barbarian, Kung Fu: The Movie, Conan the Destroyer, Taking Care of Business, Robocop 3, Red Sun Rising, Dexter's Laboratory and Samurai Jack), a sage to some, a wizard to others.

Anyone curious what we ate or where we pooped for 400 year in a cave?

In no time at all (wipes and 360 pans) they become friends and Nakano teaches MacLeod the art of illusion when...dun dun dun!!! The nearby village is be sacked, pillaged and plundered by Kane (Mario Van Peebles of Jaws: The Revenge, New Jack City, Posse, Gunmen, Solo, Ali, The Hebrew Hammer and A Letter to Dad) and two immortal henchmen at his side as Kane plans on taking the sorcerer's head for all his knowledge and experience...y'know bad guy immortal m.o. Nakano knows he will not survive against Kane and offers his head to Connor who cannot kill his friend so YOU GETS NO MAGIC!!! Doofus. A big confrontation between Nakano and Kane causes an earthquake during the quickening (the transference of life energy, chi and so on) sealing Kane and his men up in the cave...for 400 years. Dude you cats are immortal and none of you had the idea of start digging!?!

Men in those days trusted their shaving partner.

Connor is off in the deserts of the Sudan when he feels a disturbance in the Force or Immortal Spidey senses kick in, whatever. So he heads home to his adopted son, a young boy John (Gabriel Kakon of Great Performances and Highlander: The Final Dimension) but catches a news plot point on a dig in Japan about an ancient cave yet somehow they missed the three cats alive and still in feudal 1500 Japanese armor.

Kane swears vengeance against MacLeod and swings into full-on gravely Kurgan voice and even plows a hooker, drives a car against the flow of traffic and camps it up something fierce. The lovely lady archeologist Alex Johnson (Deborah Kara Unger of Whispers in the Dark, Till There Was You, Highlander: The Final Dimension, The Game, The Hurricane, Payback, Silent Hill and Silent Hill: Revelation 3D) bears an uncanny resemblance to a noblewoman MacLeod once loved long ago. She seeks out that the legends of Nakano are based in fact and the proof is in that cave.

With Kane misbehaving and having the ability to cast illusions that fool the human eye, he plans on using John as bait to get MacLeod to come out and plaAaaaay!!!

Can Connor defeat Kane? Will Alex be hopelessly attracted to Connor?

Okay so we will get the nitpicks out. With tats, a tribal nose ring and a growling Kurgan like voice, Peebles is clearly the bad guy but come on dammit. You could have him decked out like a Moordish warrior wielding Italian steel.   I wanted a deep basso voice holding MacLeod in contempt.  Maybe sending one of John's fingers to him via bike messenger to ramp up the urgency of his arrival. Arrogance, sadistic and smug about it and not Kurgan again.  A monster that plays with his victims a bit more than we got.  Yeah I know, I'm not in charge nor have a TARDIS handy.

Now the good stuff. The fight scenes are pretty impressive, the story overall is good and the film is entertaining. Peebles looks menacing as hell and he does bring out a creepy villain.   Lambert and Unger do have chemistry together and the score by composer J. Peter Robinson (Police Story, Rumble in the Bronx, Charmed, Spawn the animated series, The Bank Job and Seeking Justice) is damn amazing buuuuUUuuUuut...it still does not excuse banging out a katana in like a week. Shot primarily in Montreal (fake New York) they also went to Scotland and Morroco and Japan so the frequent flyer miles were racking up. Yeah there were New York scenes like outside the antique shop where Russell Nash (Connor) still had property to live at but most was Montreal. With a budget of 26 million in the kitty, this sadly only made a little of 13.8 million back and was considered a flop. Personally I think after the huge disappoint that was Highlander II, the fans were just not ready to be in theaters again. This fell more to the VHS/Laserdisk crowd.

While a lot of it feels like they are retelling the first film, it keeps more to the theme of magic, immortality and a hidden culture within humanity. These men and women warriors did not ask to be made immortal but the one of good feel the need to interfere or guide humanity to a better path. The problems were the releases. The same treatment as Halloween 6 is what happened to Highlander III as I have seen releases of 87 mins, 90 and finally 99 mins so trust me the full 99 minutes makes the better story.

Yes there are the passionate love making scenes and a wee bit of raunchy sex scene with Mario but it was going to happen for the "bad guy" getting down but it is over in a short span. MacLeod has flashbacks while making love to Alex of Sarah which...felt a bit off. Not that he was cheating on a long dead lover but his mind wandered with his current one?   Harsh bro.  Hope you were paying attention during the pillow talk or it's your butt.

MPAA made some of the decapitation scenes back-lit or shadow-cast so not to screw up future generations or avoid an NC-17 rating or whatever their BS reason for it. The 99 minute version has all the sex, blood and fantasy that was placed into it and gives a much more coherent story.

While many fans feel the first film and the TV series are the only thing worth paying attention to, this is not a bad addition to the ranks and you would be less of a Highlander fan to simply dismiss it.

Got my good side?  Hope so.

Michael Crichton Week: The 13th Warrior.

Howdy all and welcome to the week. Well I have not been getting any requests on either Rotten Reelz Reviews or Rotten Ramblin' On so I thought maybe starting up a group on Facebook so folks could drop a remark, request or restraining order. Whatever fits your mood. Let me know if that sounds like a good idea.

Today's film hails from acclaimed director John McTiernan (Predator, Die Hard, The Hunt for Red October, Medicine Man, Last Action Hero, Die Hard with a Vengeance, The Thomas Crowne Affair and Rollerball) to bring us some awesome action, compelling drama and a dark tale to be told of bravery and valor. However, none of this could be possible without our novelist/screenplay writer Michael Crichton (The Andromeda Strain, A Case of Need, Binary, Westworld, The Terminal Man, The Great Train Robbery, Looker, Runaway, Jurassic Park, Disclosure, Twister, Sphere and Timeline) conjuring up this battle of good vs evil. This is The 13^th Warrior.

As long as my career doesn't go south.

A poet/storyteller and lesser Arabian nobleman Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan (Antonio Banderas of Matador, Baton Rouge, The Mambo Kings, Interview with the Vampire, Desperado, Four Rooms, Assassins, The Mask of Zorro, Original Sin, Shrek 2, Thick as Thieves, The Expendables 3 and Knight of Cups) has been exiled by the sultan to be an "ambassador" of good will and to report back his findings of a distant land. Stopping for a restock of supplies at a village port, there is much debate of a kingdom under seige from monsters that come in the night and slay their most able men. They cry out for warriors attended to give the battle back to these monsters. Among these men a staggering man of 6' 5", great warrior and chieftain's son Buliwf (Vladimir Kulich of Highlander, Necronomicon, Red Scorpion 2, Ground Zero, Silence, Angel, Ironclad, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Vikings and The Equalizer) offers his skills and blade. An ancient seer tosses her runes to see the future and proceeds to tell each man they will join Buliwf on this sacred aid for mercy including Ahmed.

Sail Away!!!

Connecting with these barbaric men, Ahmed attempts to not only understand their language but be able to speak it as well. Herger (Dennis Storhoi of Mot i brostet, Vestavind, Eva's Eye, The Longest Journey, Captain Sabertooth, Ved kongens bord, Shameless and Two Lives) becomes Ahmed's constant companion and guide to this land and its people that Ahmed has never known the like.

Chaaaaarge!!!

The village is almost all but destroyed, no defensive walls, men at posts or even proper archery stands. With his health failing King Hrothgar (Sven Wollter of Sally, A Song for Martin, False Accusation, Birthmarked, Kira's Reason: A Love Story, Suxxess, Dieselrattor och sjonmasmoss and Molly in the World) speaks of these unholy beasts that sneak in the middle of the night, rousing no one from their slumber and proceed to lop the heads off their opponents...and take them with them. They simply are known as The Eaters of the Dead. Eerie I know but what can you do? Oh right, mount up a war party to dispatch these beasts. The party must use every ounce of their skills and tenacity to stomach bringing these monsters down. Can Ahmed become a warrior? Will these Norsemen battle to the last man? Can anything be done to save the land and its people?

A few points of interest and my lack of observation. I either forgot or was just now brought to the light that Queen Weilew (Diane Venora of The Cotton Club, A.D., F/X, Bird, Thunder Alley, Chicago Hope, Heat, Romeo + Juliet, The Jackal, The Insider and Hamlet) seemed like such a pillar of the people I had either no idea she was of royalty or simply did not register. May have something to do with that fop of a son of hers. I think I would have beheaded the little puke.

Composer Jerry Goldsmith (The Waltons, Outland, The Secret of NIMH, Supergirl, Rambo III, Star Trek V: Final Frontier, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Congo, Mulan and Star Trek: Insurrection) breathes life into every scene with the amazing job. One of the Viking ships used in the movie is currently residing in the EPCOT center at Disney World where it's part of a playground for kids now. Avast!!

So the traditional burning of the town virgin is a real crowd pleaser then?

Yor, the Hunter from the Future

Welcome back from the week of Linda Blair. Wow, I knew the lady had fans but my God I had no clue the hold she has on folks. Again kudos to you Ms. Blair, a class act and thank you again for re-posting this blog. This week we are keeping fast and loose. No real theme happening this time.

This time around we look at an obscure Italian director finding himself in Sci-fi, Sword and sorcery, horror/giallo, spaghetti western and war flicks. Antonio Margheriti (Legs of Gold, Assignment Outer Space, Battle of the Worlds, The Golden Arrow. Castle of Blood, The Stranger and the Gunfighter, Hunters of the Golden Cobra and Alien From the Deep) brings us a film with more than a few twists attached to it. Based an Argentine comic in 1974 with a mixture of prehistoric and futuristic. This is Yor, the Hunter from the Future.

My wig itches.

Our opus opens with Yor (Reb Brown of Uncommon Valor, Howling II: Striba Bitch, Death of a Soldier, Strike Commando, Robowar- Robot da guerra, Space Mutiny, The Firing Line, Cage, Street Hunter, Cage, Cage II and Night Claws) jogging through the region of Turkey in Cappadocia mountains (region of Mount Taurus for the ancient Cappadocian empire) with his epic rock musical number behind him when he must save Kalaa (Corrine Clery of The Story of O, Hitch Hike, Moonraker, The Tunnel, I Hate Blondes, Skipper, Per sempre, Errore fatale and Moscacieca) and her mentor Pag (Luciano Pigozzi of General Della Rovere, Two Women, Blood and Black Lace, Yor, the Hunter from the Future, Double Target, Robowar- Robot da guerra, Cop Game and Zombi 3) from a dinosaur with a stone ax then drank its blood???

I thought he would to just paint himself with its blood. So clearly a feast in his honor. Only to be interrupted by bluish looking cavemen, trashing the village and only Pag and Yor can go back and save them all. They will need a lot of hemp before the day is out.

Man, Sandpeople need to keep the masks on.

Yor finds the most unusual way to hang glide into the cave to do battle with the blue cavemen, with Yor's World jamming behind him as he throws cowboy with a massive flood filling up the cave he gets to...save Kalaa and that's about it. The rest of the villagers and cavemen drown. Whoops.

Yor and Pag discover some more origins of Yor with the golden amulet he wears, they encounter a race of mummies lead by Roa (Ayshe Gul of Yor, the Hunter from the Future) who bears an identical amulet. Rather than find out their stories Yor slaughters them all but the sultry blonde. Why does Schwarzenegger line from Conan the Destroyer, "Enough Talk," come to mind?   It does appear that Yor needs a few women for his superior breeding but before those flights of threesome fancy come to pass, more blue cavemen end up slaying Roa so no more backstory following then.

Jonathan Pryce is Darth Moodius.

Saving yet another village Yor, Pag and Kala proceed to make nice with yet another tribe from yet another dinosaur only to watch this tribe get vaporized by flying saucers with frickin' laser beams!?!

Are we in the past, the post-apocalypse or possible future!?! What the nine hells is I am watching!?!

Well this does not have copious nudity as it does commonly in Italian Sci-fi Fantasy, mild swearing, scale model work, blue screen and practical effects galore and all honesty, in spite of some of the goofy dialogue, this is not a bad film. Reb gets to be a beefy barbarian to hack and slash. Sweeping bouts of silliness aside, I had fun watching this film.

Wow, Liam Cunningham really let that beard grow.

Sci-fantasy B Movie: Deathstalker

Hiya gang! Back again with what could be an episodic, powerful sci-fi fantasy storyline or complete and utter dreck attempting to compete with director John Milus' take of Robert E. Howard's creation: Conan the Barbarian. Written by exploitation, sci-fi fantasy and children's cartoons, Howard R. Cohen (The Unholy Rollers. The Young Nurses, Vampire Hookers, Barbarian Queen, Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, The Care Bears Family and Emmanuelle 5) that this particular flick could go either way. So don aloft your sword! This is Deathstalker.

Oh, you're her father.  Akward.

Our director James Sbardellati (Under the Gun and Deathstalker) seems more comfortable as Second Unit Director so that gives off a positive vibe for the movie right away. 2 minutes in we see pseudo cavemen walk up on a man binding a girl in creeper vine. Maybe she is a sacrifice, sport or dinner. Who can really say? I know thus far after 45 seconds of a leaping montage that the cave guys can bound through the air. Shockingly enough this is not for the kiddies, parents. 3 minutes in and we already have a topless scene.

Deathstalker (Rick Hill of The Dukes of Hazzard, The Devastator, Warrior Queen, Fast Gun, Dune Warriors, Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow, Eyes of the Widow and The Custodian) skinned a badger, dyed it blond and put it on his head. That could also be a fetching ladies wig too. His wing is worse that Bridgette Nielsen's wig in Red Sonja and that was a dead raccoon they dyed red. He guts the guy who abandoned his victim/human sacrifice/girlfriend for trying to take his horse. A powerful wizard Munkar (Bernard Erhard of Satan's Touch, Challenge of the GoBots, Say Yes, Solarman, Visionaries: Knights of the Magical Light and A Pup Named Scooby-Doo) tossed the rightful king and most of his court and guards out of the castle. The king begs for Deathstalker's help only to get shot down. Dubious to his hero status, he rides on and we see what is now Munkar's harem with, yup you guessed it. Topless or sheer clothed girls. Sense a pattern?

A cunning warrior wears next to no clothes.

Munkar's lackey Kang is sent to claim magical artifacts so Munkar can expand his holdings and slap other kingdoms about. An old witch sends Deathstalker out to search for the 3 powers ( No, not the Charmed ones) a sword, amulet and a chalice (from the palace!). When the three are united, the wielder will be able to conqueror or rule wisely. A giant and an imp covet the sword. Some more questy jibber jabber, a subplot that wasn't going to convince anyone Deathstalker is a nice guy and...okay at 20 minutes I was confused with the story, the music cues and the lack of action between such. Hate to say this, but bring on the boobs again. At least I got that. Enlisting in the aid of a warrior name of Oghris (Richard Booker of Friday the 13^th Part III, Deathstalker and Deep Sea Conspiracy) the grateful lad speaks of a tournament to win Munkar's kingdom...and to me that is actually a decent plan. Rein in the warriors that want to rule and wipe them all out.

Our warriors encounter Kaira (Lana Clarkson of Scarface, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Barbarian Queen and Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back) a warrior maiden garbed in and I kid you not, a loin cloth, boots and a red cloak. Yup guess the topless swordfighting really works in her advantage when she flashes her double Ds at them. Worry not Kaira of the roving band of molesting marauders, I thought of low hanging branches, tangle root and thorn bushes to get prodded and poked by. Yes, this is a straight guy saying put on some frickin armor on. Oh good even more semi-naked wenches. I swear this is all T&A and some sword-fighting scenes. Look, nothing against nudity but dammit at least have it plot related!!!!  

The first transgender occurs in the dark ages with the use of black magic. See? You don't need to go to Sweden, just get a warlock! Think of the money you have saved. Okay Munkar actually transformed his henchman into a large breasted girl to sneak up on Deathstalker and do him in. Boobs are magic and confuse all that see them.

I recommend this film for chimpanzees that need to masturbate and 12 year old boys. Kinda hard to tell the difference at times. Those with functioning brain cells, the lack of a coherent story will offend you on grand scales, cattle get treated better any of the female cast and our hero is a pig who does nothing out of the kindness of his heart. I am hard pressed to even speculate if he has a heart to begin with.

Sci-fi fantasy artist Boris Vallejo was commissioned for all four Deathstalker films bringing his astounding artwork for the covers that tricked your ass into watching this.

Annual model gorging after the runway.

THE BRITISH INVASION!!!!!

They have infected your television, social media and music. Your friends attempt cockney accents and fail. The repeated Monty Python skits that your friends and family are slowly killing. Face facts, the BBC has invaded your lives for many years. Hey folks, I am back with a new week altogether as this week we enjoy some comedy, drama and maybe even a mystery or two.

Hmm Tramadol makes one...loose.

With the aid of BBC America, most of the states are aware that not only England exists but there is some genuine entertainment meant to be had and enjoyed for all. With science fiction, sci-fi fantasy, some horror titles and far too many of their series remade by the Americans. * slap * Bad ole America. Series like Couplings, The Office and Broadchurch have been imitated with a failed pilot and four episodes and flopped, Broadchurch with Gracepoint and The Office with...well The Office.

For as many successes these different series will have there seems to be America over in the corner, wallflowering and thinking, "If only I could be as cool as that." Wake up America!!! There are plenty of shows and film we have reason to take applause and bow for that we really do not need to resort to re-labeling every British creation. Case in point, I was watching Netflix's streaming Being Human but the tags were wrong so I got the actual UK version and thought, "Wow this is really good but I don't recognize the cast as I did from the promos. Maybe this is an earlier season." Yeah, so while I have seen both versions and each do take away with their own spin. Face facts, folks. Original is usually better.

With all this in mind, the quiet attacks have occurred and you are all helpless before "THE BRITISH INVASION"... Well is was either that or The British Are Here and the last running up was BBC Gems. So if you fancy a cuppa and some biccies, turn on the telly and have a few sniggers then I welcome you to the landing of THE BRITISH INVASION. Cheery'o. Uh I mean ta-ta.   Bugger.  Bye then!

The face Caroline Munro's fanboys make when they see her.

Adrian Paul Week: Highlander Season 2

Ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls. I bare you greetings and glad tidings for Day 4 of Adrian Paul Week. Now then I did point out how I wanted to step away from Highlander to establish Adrian Paul's capabilities and talent... but I haven't done any Highlander write-ups since Season 1 and it seemed a good enough time as any. Also I just wanted an excuse to watch a few of the episodes. This is Highlander Season 2.

Yeesh, didn't see that squirrel in the road.

When we last left MacLeod (Adrian Paul of Tarzan, The Cover Girl Murders, Susan's Plan, The Void, Storm Watch, Tracker, Throttle and Seance) he was mourning the loss of Darius, a conqueror turned priest who became Duncan's friend and mentor was dispatched by persons yet unknown. Leaving Paris to return to the states (*coughs* Vancouver) Duncan tracks down this mysterious glyph or rune and is able to find that it belongs to a sect. A rare bookdealer name of Joe Dawson (Jim Byrnes of Conan and the Young Warriors, Double Dragon, Dream Man, Mega Man, Robocop: Alpha Commando and The Net) tries to dissuade MacLeod from this line of questioning when he really gets the measure of the man.

Dawson comes clean and in spite of his oath tells MacLeod that there has always been a gathering of mortals recording the immortals for as long as "The Game" has been on. The Watchers observe, record and tally but do not interfere with the immortals' affairs. Occasionally I think they do body disposal of the loser but that would make sense.

Trouble looks dishy.

Tessa (Alexandra Vandernoot of Lucky Punch, Le jaguar, The Dinner Game, Highlander, The Closet, Hop, The Five Obstructions and Carla Rubens) MacLeod's lady love was killed in a robbery as was Richie (Stan Kirsch of Riders in the Sky, Highlander, The Sky's on Fire, The Flunky, Deep Rescue and Invincible) only for Richie to find out that he is also a foundling immortal and now what does life hold for him? Aside from beings centuries old with vast fighting and slaying experience can do him in at anytime of their leisure. With a bounce back and forth from "Seacouver" Washington to Paris this season seems to be showing more of MacLeod's standings in history and well as the romantic side of his soul.

A few finer points on the season now.

We do have re-occuring characters making their way back such as the lovely cat burgalar Amanda (Elizabeth Gracen of The Death of the Incredible Hulk, Marked for Death, Extreme, Highlander, Highlander: The Raven and Coherence) the suave yet murderous bastard Xavier St. Cloud (Lead singer of Fine Young Cannibals Roland Gift) and the enigmatic Horton (Peter Hudson of Prelude to a Kiss, Smokin/No Smoking, Sharpe's Mission, Red Eye, The Statement, Grand Star and Black Out) so this season while decreased in budget the ratings went through the roof to follow the exploits of the highlander.

With a co-production between France/Canada, Davis-Panzer Productions were balancing the continuation of the Lambert movies as well as how will the show compare with the films and the European partners had not even aired the first season so the states had a huge following advantage from the get go.

This season allows for more story development, historical events, swordplay and less of Duncan be the Kung Fu master but slowly rounding out his character more and giving him tone and depth.   

Clandestine meetings...in an alley??