Mansion of the Living Dead

What's this? A gaggle of jiggly girls that work at a topless bar? A vacation that may go awry? Gobsmack oodles of nudity, all with a horror theme? Why this has to be the work of prolific pornographer/hardcore/softcore and horror erotica, Jesus Franco (White Skin Black Thighs, Ilsa, the Wicked Warden, Kiss Me Killer, Voodoo Passion, Wicked Women, Women in Cellblock 9, Cannibal Terror Hellhole Women, Zombie Lake. Oasis of the Zombies and Alone Against Terror). 

Quick question, who in the nine hells requested me to review this??  Well, I suppose it won't be too painful.   This is Mansion of the Living Dead. 

 

The blocking is this way. Hoist those bewbs, girls.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Given the references of Blind Dead characters, I am guessing some folk are feeling this is somehow linked to the Amando de Ossorio's Blind Dead quadrilogy. SPOILERS! It's not. I have a feeling whoever requested it, full-on knew it! Yeah I'm a bit irked. 

We open with monks vacating a monastery in orderly fashion.Why they are wearing masks left over from the last Day of the Dead festival, no clue. And then they buggered off.

 Four colleagues, Lea (Mari Carmen Nieto of Mansion of the Living Dead, Diamonds of Kilimandjaro, Blood on My Shoes, Alone Against Terror, The Sexual Story of O, Night Has a Thousand Desires, Lilian and Una rajita para dos), the constantly randy Caty (Elisa Vela of Mansion of the Living Dead, Confesiones intimas de una exhibicionista, Cries of Pleasure and Fury in the Tropics), ditzy Mabel (Mabel Escano of La promesa, Las camareras, Foul Play, Curro Jimenez, Cabo de vara, Mi adultero esposo and The National Mummy) and lovely Candy (Lina Romay of Female Vampire, Mansion of the Living Dead, Pick-Up Girls, Oasis of the Zombies, Night of Open Sex, Revenge in the House of Usher, Diamonds of Kilimandjaro,White Cannibal Queen,Fury in the Tropics and Angel of Death) all work at the same topless bar and have a fairly tight knit relationship. None of that back stabbing, trying to steal clients away from one another. 

 I was stunned to see the girls arriving in what I believe was Franco's fetish: Terrycloth Shorty shorts and high heels. The women in his flicks do seem to almost always wearing them. 

 They apparently really put their backs into work that they need a weekend away from Munich and off to Gran Canaria or the Canary Islands via Spain for those unaware of the region. With the recommendation of the travel agency, the girls went to a dream hotel right next to the beach is all the girls could hope for.  Given this is an 80s Italian horror jiggly film, they'll need penis and booze before they are sated. 

 

They are the Monks, the Loneliest Monks. huh?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The place seems completely deserted and yet none of these girls' survival instincts are kicking in? And by deserted, I mean the town in question. With all their collective giggling and jiggling, they really hadn't noticed how empty the town appears to be, scoff at it as everyone must be at the beach.  A building with more than 300 rooms, the streets on the way to said hotel and COMPLETELY DEVOID OF LIFE!!!  Oh I know, they're probably all at the beach. Yes this line is used over 5 times! WAKE UP!!! You're in a bad Twilight Zone episode, your lives are forfeit if you don't act now!!  

With the only person about, the regional manager Carlos Savonarola (Antonio Mayans of Emmanuelle y Carol, White Cannibal Queen, Cannibal Terror, Hellhole Women, Zombie Lake, Pick-Up Girls, Emmanuelle Exposed, Revenge in the House of Usher, Alone Against Terror, The Panther Squad, Angel of Death and Fury in the Tropics) is giving the ladies the grand tour and leads them all to their rooms. Oh wait, no he doesn't. He gives them their keys and vague directions to their room. Prick.  Ladies reading this blog, he is giving either a lecherous eye or a full-on John Carradine creeper eye. Whichever it may be, you'd mace him, knee him in the balls and run, right? 

 

Udo Walken: for all your creeper needs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The guy looks like a hybrid of Udo Kier and Christopher Walken. Stranger Danger!!!  There are more than 600 rooms, but Udo Walken wants the lot of you on other ends of the quad. They're booked solid. Really? Are you? Show me these people! Show me their cars, trucks, jeeps, Hell even those fruity little scooters! SHOW ME EVERYONE!!! 

 By this point, the girls should be hitting him with heavy objects and running for their lives.  Also, what the hell, German travel agency?   This hotel pay you in blood money?  5,000 deutch marks just get slipped your way every month?  Was the ramshackle hotel in Eaten Alive booked?  Thank goodness. That way the girls don't die via crocodile and the Lord's will.   Guess the girls will be bummed knowing that they could have been with Buck and he likes to...fornicate. Yeah this is still a PG-13 blog, get over it.   Could have made a stop-off at Motel Hell as well.  Farmer Vincent always sets a nice table. 

 

And now my friends, I must appease the male horndog readers. YUP nudity. Buckets of it! Faux lesbian scenes, tanning topless scenes, shower scenes, solo scenes, so much nudity you will forget this is a horror film. Sorry ladies. I felt you should be warned and it starts at the 8 minute and 37 second mark, which is a bit of restraint of Franco's behalf. Just going by Zombie Lake and Oasis of the Zombies time slot for jiggly tits getting freed. 

 Shot in Panavision, the sound is sadly in mono, so it dips in and out. Probably an effect corrected with an updated DVD or Blu-Ray version. Sadly, my POS viewing was the direct from VHS to DVD so no one cleaned up the picture or sound. Yay me!  I also have the English subtitle not the English dubbed version. 

What does faux lesbian mean?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This movie is an hour and 37 minutes long and you feel every swing of the pendulum like the Sword of Damocles hanging over your tacky head. Also a wide-screen version. Not even sure if this wasn't also a video error via compression. 

 Is this a worthwhile film? No. Is there any justifiable reason for watching it? No. Look, if you're horny, there's ridiculous amounts of porn. I'm not judging. These characters are simply too stupid to be alive. They would have been hit by buses, fallen through a uncovered manhole, a sandstorm would have stripped their flesh off. A plague of locusts would have eaten their bits. What I am getting at is, they are less than believable as human beings. I am surprised they don't have to remind each other to breathe in and out.

 We get past the 8 minute mark, the girls are either fooling around with one another, roaming topless or engaged in their faux lesbian shenanigans. 

The plot is more micro-thin than a spandex thong! What's the plot? I'll help you. Titty. Character development? How titties are doing. Character death? Whose titties are no longer available. Potential evil killer cult? Dislikes titties. 

 Yeah I really could have done without this flick. PLEASE STOP asking for Jesus Franco film reviews! I beg you!

Hi. We're here for the Scream audition.

 

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Sequels: Howling III: Marsupials

Howdydoodlydoo!!!! So that was some fun-filled sequels we have been through, huh? Oh wait, no they weren't. Still they could have been worse. Many have complained about Howling II: Sister is a Werewolf given its plot holes, inconsistencies and Sybil Danning's copious topless and nude scenes. But c'mon...Reb Brown was 1970's Captain America and Sir Christopher Lee was Dracula back-to-back smoking werewolves that...looked really cheesy and nothing of Rick Baker's amazing SFX. This is Howling III a.k.a. Marsupials: The Howling III.

Dress me in a coat will ya??!!

Back with director Phillippe Mora (The Beast Within, A Breed Apart, Communion, Art Deco Detective, Richard III, Mercenary II: Thick & Thin and Strange Matters) and ONCE AGAIN sadly I start recognizing people because I have seen some serious piles of monkey squirt. Well let's dive right into this tour de force. Deep within the Australian Outback, werewolves have evolved divergent from any other lupine and morphed into marsupials...yup I didn't just mess with you all, female werewolves developing pouches for holding the young. 

Anthropologist Harry Beckmeyer (Barry Otto of Benny Hill Down Under, Case for the Defence, Tickled Pink, Norman Loves Rose, Undercover,The Punisher and The Paper Man) managed to score grainy footage filmed in "1905" of Aborigines burning and stabbing a wolf creature and shows his classroom. Kinda surreal except it is clearly shot with a higher def VHS used for broadcasting at the time.

No sooner is the class dismissed plot convenience number two appears in the form of a series of reports of werewolf attacks in Russia giving Beckmeyer the belief of a widespread of Commie Lycanthropes hell bent on taking over the world and attempts to get hold of the President. Yeah that goes over well as he explains to the President about werewolves and points out that strange things exist all over the world. The President vows to send Beckmeyer back to Sydney, Australia but he needs to keep the commander-in-chief clued in on the werewolf phenomenon.

I'm far too excited!!!

A doofy American name of Donny (Lee Biolos of Les Patterson Saves the World, The Year My Voice Broke, Dark City and Candy Regentag) is on location to scout filming regions and local talent for a Werewolf film Shapeshifters Part 8 bumps into a striking girl Jerboa (Playing Beatie Bow, Vietnam, Future Past, Crossbow, Strapless, Candy Regentag, Flair and Queen of the Damned) bumps into Donny and he tells her she would be perfect to play a werewolf (wink wink) so they are off to the director to get her spotlight a goin'.

Plans to move on the impeding werewolf infestation is allowing paramilitary and military divisions to join up with financial aid from the Vatican blessing silver for rounds and start mounting preemptive strikes after the few they have captured and interrogated to get the location they live in.

Will Beckmeyer allow the werewolves to be destroyed?? Will the military succeed??

Okay the effects are really less than. Gore effects were fair but the werewolf appliances are pretty hokey and even the giant werewolf head looked like a giant boar or pig. Turns out the head prop was from the 1984 flick Razorback so yup fuzzy pig. Using a polarizing filter, all the background colors looked amazing in spite of this film was a bit on the silly. Basing the werewolves of Australia is on the extinct Tasmanian Wolf as it was lupine and marsupial. Other than that, I was a tad bored.  The only of the Howling series that fell under PG-13.

These fellows stabbed a cosplayer. Savages.

Grindhouse Flicks: Race with the Devil

Greetings my readers and on to Day 3 of Grindhouse Flicks. This is an interesting one. Imagine incorporating a horror film with action and car chases. A weird one, right? Don't worry it's not The Hitcher or its unfortunate remake. Instead we have two couples on out vacation on their way to Aspen Colorado. Rather than fly like sensible people they are gonna make an adventure of it with a RV and hopefully Trumpy of Pod People will not make an appearance. This is Race with the Devil.

Oh stop pouting, I didn't mean to eat all your jerky.

Written by exploitation writers Wes Bishop (The Pick-Up, Love Camp 7, Chain Gang Women, The Thing with Two Heads and The Black Gestapo) and writer/director Lee Frost (Hot Spur, Chain Gang Women, The Thing with Two Heads, Two for the Money, Policewomen and The Black Gestapo) and directed by actor/director Jack Starret (Cry Blood, Apache, Night Chase, Slaughter, Cleopatra Jones, A Small Town in Texas and Final Chapter: Walking Tall) we are clearly in for some unusual and possible taboo.

Roger Marsh (Peter Fonda of Easy Rider, Futureworld, Outlaw Blues, Molly & Gina, Love and a .45 and Escape from L.A.) and his business partner/racing buddy Frank Stewart (Warren Oates of In the Heat of the Night, The Wild Bunch, Badlands, Stripes, The Border, Blue Thunder and Tough Enough) run a fairly prosperous motorcycle dealership between designing their own cycles and pawning off Hodaka 100s they decide it is time for a break and Frank preps a 30 foot RV for everyone's enjoyment. Frank's wife Alice (Loretta Swit of M*A*S*H, Freebie and the Bean, The Love Boat, Beer, 14 Going on 30 and Forest Warrior) has got it all packed and Roger's wife Kelly (Lara Parker of Dark Shadows, Adventures of the Queen, Mobile One, The Solitary Man, Galactica 1980 and Rooster) is all excited to bring the Lhas Apso along.

ON YOUR RIGHT!!!

After more than a few hours on the road, everyone is getting a bit punchy, probably due to roadside food and too much I-Spy games. The lot sets up camp in a remote area of central Texas...barely 3 hours from San Antonio so you know they are making great time and the guys break out the dirt bikes to cut loose. The ladies tuckered from the lengthy trek across Texas (large frickin' state lemme tell you) so they turn in while the fellas go out wandering for a bit, chewing the fat when they stumble across what looks to be a human sacrifice??? The guys get jumped by the Satanists and have to duke their way out of harm's way, make it back to the RV and hightail it out of there.

The local butt scratcher, I mean sheriff (R.G. Armstrong of Lone Wolf McQuade, Trapper John, M.D., The Best of Times, Jocks, Predator, Friday the 13^th The Series and Payback) sits on his doughy good ole boy ass and tells the fellas you probably just saw some hippies killing a dog and overreacting to it. The gang insists on going to Amarillo and give this sample of dirt with the victim's blood to the authorities while the girls have lifted a few books on the occult from the local library. SHAME!!!

With the Satanists in hot pursuit of our foursome (didn't mean for that to sound dirty) Frank and Roger buy a couple of splatter guns to defend themselves.

Will anyone come to their rescue? Will the Satanists raise the dark lord and master? Will Lara Parker regret being in a Satanist movie?

A few comments on the movie now.

Writer Wes Bishop appears as Deputy Dave and the director Jack Starrett was the gas station attendant towards the end of the flick. Lara Parker used to be roomies with Jane Fonda when they were attending Vassar College.

Jack Starrett replaced Lee Frost when Head of Fox Alan Ladd Jr was less than satisfied with the dailies and demanded the footage be re-shot so most Lee's work was in the trash. This was in theatres 7 days after JAWS was released. Bad timing fellas.

Leatherface is sporting a new look.  Good for him.

Halloween Week: Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers

Well, howdy folks and welcome back for Day 3 of Halloween Week. Sit right down and I will attempt to recap thus far. After the second film's climatic end and both Loomis and Myers set ablaze, Loomis was scarred but alive while Myers lay in a coma for ten years, animated after being indirectly informed he had a niece Jame alive and well. A few choice encounters with her that year and the next, left Loomis and Haddonfield's Sheriff department bewildered and taken both Michael and Jamie our of the public's eye. Our sixth incarnation had a rocky road to cross given the re-writes, title changes, edited versions and the unfortunate passing of Donald Pleasence. This is Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers.

Yikes, they will never get the stain of mashed mime out of that wall.

Six years after the police station's fire and her abduction by the "Man in Black" (Cue Johnny Cash) Jamie Lloyd (J.C. Brandy of Wolf, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Kindred: The Embraced, Dogstar and Promethus Bound) is alive and birthing a child in some secluded underground shelter lit with more candles than a Hammer film or Sting video combined. No sooner is the child sexed and cleaned these cultists/followers take the baby away, somehow Michael is on the move in this dank, subterranean recess slaughtering these cult members left and right like it's his own personal abbatoir. The midwife nurse wraps Jamie's baby, placing the child in Jamie's arms and demanding she run for both their lives... ya know right after an agonizing child birth scene. Not even a lie down or Tylenol for this gal. Strength!

Fleeing in a stolen pickup (Still, like her uncle no one had gotten around to giving her driving lessons) when she makes it to a bus station that appears to be off duty and yet all the doors are unlocked. While all this is going on a DJ on local radio has been mocking Haddonfield's ban on Halloween and Michael Myers bringing every nutter butter to the phone lines that Jamie uses a payphone as a desperate last chance call out to Doctor Loomis. Hiding the baby in the ladies, she pulls the old fake baby in the blankets to throw Michael off the scent for more than 5 blocks and is horribly murdered for it.

Gen-X parents have it rough.

Oh, do not act all shocked. This guy killed his big sister, tried to murder his little sister and mutilated and butchered more than 15 to 20 people per movie. Of the many callers is a grown up Tommy Doyle (Paul Rudd of Clueless, Overnight Delivery, 200 Cigarettes, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The Ex, Night at the Museum and Knocked Up) survivor the first Halloween is convinced that Myers is still alive and someone is attempting to harness his strength while Doctor Loomis (Donald Pleasence) is retired after all this time only to be called in on the mess that was Jamie and a burn mark is placed on the nearby barn which Loomis nonchalantly explains it is Michael's mark (the one we have NEVER SEEN until the 5^th movie).

Meanwhile at Michael's former home resides the late Jamie and Laurie's family on the Strode side... these people were around and couldn't adopt Jamie. Just seems odd. As he had a psychic link to Jamie, perhaps he is tuning in to her son Tommy has named Steven. Conversing with Kara Strode (Marianne Hagan of I Think I Do, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Dinner and a Movie and Stake Land) Tommy tells her of the danger her family is in if Michael is back. Following the astrological end of things correlated with the events of each Myers attack with a constellation of Thorn (Rune of Icelandic or early Norse turned symbol of sacrifice but actually it means the or that) it seems to give the bearer of the mark near superhuman strength, fortitude and healing as its appointed task means to deplete one family in the village for the good of said village. 

 Someone or some force has been guiding Michael all this time as far back as a 5 year old boy something always whispering in his ear that insists he slaughter his sister.

Will this curse continue to Steven? Can Tommy and Doctor Loomis put a final end to Michael? What of the Cult of Thorn? Hey, where are my pants?

And now a teensy bit of trivia. There are more than three different releases of this movie due to the eleven drafts. The neutered VHS later DVD 89 min has the most gore but the least amount of continuity. The producer's cut has unfinished dailies spliced into the final cut and is more coherent. The alternative version has Tommy arranging runes as an impromptu ward or barrier to keep Michael end leaving the cult stuck with this maniac while Tommy, Kara, Danny and the baby escape leaving Dr. Loomis to face the head of the cult and Michael all alone as his request.

No official copy of the Producer's Cut has been released still but the bootlegs are out there and still the most impressive tie-in to the franchise and giving the saga an even purer evil as Carpenter briefly explained.

OOoOoo.. bet she has a pipe or 2 x 4 to bonk me with.  Pathetic.