Sci-fantasy B Movie: Deathstalker

Hiya gang! Back again with what could be an episodic, powerful sci-fi fantasy storyline or complete and utter dreck attempting to compete with director John Milus' take of Robert E. Howard's creation: Conan the Barbarian. Written by exploitation, sci-fi fantasy and children's cartoons, Howard R. Cohen (The Unholy Rollers. The Young Nurses, Vampire Hookers, Barbarian Queen, Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, The Care Bears Family and Emmanuelle 5) that this particular flick could go either way. So don aloft your sword! This is Deathstalker.

Oh, you're her father.  Akward.

Our director James Sbardellati (Under the Gun and Deathstalker) seems more comfortable as Second Unit Director so that gives off a positive vibe for the movie right away. 2 minutes in we see pseudo cavemen walk up on a man binding a girl in creeper vine. Maybe she is a sacrifice, sport or dinner. Who can really say? I know thus far after 45 seconds of a leaping montage that the cave guys can bound through the air. Shockingly enough this is not for the kiddies, parents. 3 minutes in and we already have a topless scene.

Deathstalker (Rick Hill of The Dukes of Hazzard, The Devastator, Warrior Queen, Fast Gun, Dune Warriors, Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow, Eyes of the Widow and The Custodian) skinned a badger, dyed it blond and put it on his head. That could also be a fetching ladies wig too. His wing is worse that Bridgette Nielsen's wig in Red Sonja and that was a dead raccoon they dyed red. He guts the guy who abandoned his victim/human sacrifice/girlfriend for trying to take his horse. A powerful wizard Munkar (Bernard Erhard of Satan's Touch, Challenge of the GoBots, Say Yes, Solarman, Visionaries: Knights of the Magical Light and A Pup Named Scooby-Doo) tossed the rightful king and most of his court and guards out of the castle. The king begs for Deathstalker's help only to get shot down. Dubious to his hero status, he rides on and we see what is now Munkar's harem with, yup you guessed it. Topless or sheer clothed girls. Sense a pattern?

A cunning warrior wears next to no clothes.

Munkar's lackey Kang is sent to claim magical artifacts so Munkar can expand his holdings and slap other kingdoms about. An old witch sends Deathstalker out to search for the 3 powers ( No, not the Charmed ones) a sword, amulet and a chalice (from the palace!). When the three are united, the wielder will be able to conqueror or rule wisely. A giant and an imp covet the sword. Some more questy jibber jabber, a subplot that wasn't going to convince anyone Deathstalker is a nice guy and...okay at 20 minutes I was confused with the story, the music cues and the lack of action between such. Hate to say this, but bring on the boobs again. At least I got that. Enlisting in the aid of a warrior name of Oghris (Richard Booker of Friday the 13^th Part III, Deathstalker and Deep Sea Conspiracy) the grateful lad speaks of a tournament to win Munkar's kingdom...and to me that is actually a decent plan. Rein in the warriors that want to rule and wipe them all out.

Our warriors encounter Kaira (Lana Clarkson of Scarface, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Barbarian Queen and Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back) a warrior maiden garbed in and I kid you not, a loin cloth, boots and a red cloak. Yup guess the topless swordfighting really works in her advantage when she flashes her double Ds at them. Worry not Kaira of the roving band of molesting marauders, I thought of low hanging branches, tangle root and thorn bushes to get prodded and poked by. Yes, this is a straight guy saying put on some frickin armor on. Oh good even more semi-naked wenches. I swear this is all T&A and some sword-fighting scenes. Look, nothing against nudity but dammit at least have it plot related!!!!  

The first transgender occurs in the dark ages with the use of black magic. See? You don't need to go to Sweden, just get a warlock! Think of the money you have saved. Okay Munkar actually transformed his henchman into a large breasted girl to sneak up on Deathstalker and do him in. Boobs are magic and confuse all that see them.

I recommend this film for chimpanzees that need to masturbate and 12 year old boys. Kinda hard to tell the difference at times. Those with functioning brain cells, the lack of a coherent story will offend you on grand scales, cattle get treated better any of the female cast and our hero is a pig who does nothing out of the kindness of his heart. I am hard pressed to even speculate if he has a heart to begin with.

Sci-fi fantasy artist Boris Vallejo was commissioned for all four Deathstalker films bringing his astounding artwork for the covers that tricked your ass into watching this.

Annual model gorging after the runway.

Horror of 1970 Week: Scars of Dracula

What’s happenin’ babies?  Okay got that out of my system and welcome to Horror of 1970 Week.  This week we trowel some B Movies of the year and we shall see if we find any gems or diamonds in the rough rather than a polished turd.  So let’s commence with a Hammer Film of the vampiric nature starring our favorite Prince of Darkness, Dracula so fasten your crosses to a lapel, prep your rings of garlic and put an edge on that stake.  This is Scars of Dracula.

 

His eyes are so scary the credits tremble.

Klove: You fools!  You think you can destroy my spoiler??!!  The flames will never reach him!

As in the previous films there is of course the recap from its predecessor giving us the highlights of what was then and why the monster returns yet again to wreak chaos on the land and the villagers. We see Dracula’s remains, his cape and a pile of dried blood and dust left on the altar in said church.  Alice saved by Paul shudder at Dracula’s agonizing death and leave.   However, a large bat flies in the church dribbling blood from its fangs on to the powdered, desiccated remains only to resurrect the vampire once again.

Villager rabble and cookout!

A year later the villagers summon the nerve to attack the Castle Dracula after yet another village girl died at his hand and they burn the Castle while the Count is actually snoozing away in a crypt away from the castle.  After their arsonist deeds, the villagers return to find every woman and child hid in the church to be slaughtered by bats.  

Accused of raping the burgomasters’ daughter (she was spurned by Paul) Paul Carlson (Christopher Matthews of Some Like It Sexy, Scream and Scream Again and See No Evil) fled from the Kleinenberg officials by leaping into a handy coach and while it lacked a driver it takes off with great velocity.  The coach deposits him off to the slightly ruined Castle Dracula where the lord of manor and his mistress Tania (Anouska Hempel of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Tiffany Jones and Black Snake).    After dinner and given his room to stay Tania and Paul…have a brief little liaison of the flesh when Dracula comes barging in, slaps Paul aside like a rag doll and skewers Tania with a dagger.  He locks Paul in his room and hands Tania to Klove (Patrick Troughton of Hamlet, Doctor Who, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, The Omen and Knights of God) to dispose of her.  Paul attempts an escape but is trapped in a room with a locked door and a coffin at his feet.

Now the frat's hazing can be...rough.

Sometime later Paul’s brother Simon (Dennis Waterman of The Sweeny, Sweeny!, Sweeny 2, Back in Business and New Tricks) and Paul’s fiancée Sarah (Jenny Hanley of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, The Flesh and Blood Show, Saturday Night at the Mill and West Country Tales) are attempting to retrace Paul’s whereabouts and remove this stigma on his good name.   The reluctance of the authorities makes Simon a bit concerned but little does he know what truly happens in this village.

I wanted to make a few points of interest in this film.  Christopher Lee has a lot more to do, better dialogue and still quite menacing.  The cinematography as always amazing and their collection of scale model and deep woods was so impressive and the landscape paintings were quite detailed. The violence is greater and sexuality a bit more freely than back in the day however I feel the ending is a bit anti-climatic as it feels like they were running out of ideas.   Just my take on it but if you are a Hammer fan give it some love and the once over.

Sci-Fi Fantasy Week: Willow

Welcome back travelers of yore and we shall enjoy Day 5 of Sci-Fi Fantasy Week and we will look deeply into the story arc that brought us excitement and adventure with a compelling tale of good vs. evil no matter your height and made anyone with the last name of Peck a living hell on Earth.  So saddle your horses, sharpen your blades and may your deities look upon in favor.  This is Willow.

Hmm wonder if there will be another Leprechaun flick at the ready.

High Aldwin: Magic is the bloodstream of the universe. Forget all you know, or think you know.  All that you require is your spoiler.

Star Wars creator George Lucas and writer Bob Dolman (Little Shots, Cowboy Joe, Willow, Far and Away, The Banger Sisters and How to Eat Fried Worms) create a ingenious drama about a reluctant hero, a mere dwarven farmer named Willow (Warwick Davis of Return of the Jedi, The Princess and the Dwarf,   Leprechaun, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, The Unbroken and Doctor Who) with the dreams to be a wizard from a tiny village must journey on a perilous adventure for the sake of a child.  Willow’s species are known as Nelwyns or as the humans call them, pecks.   Yes imagine the joy that could bring.  I guess if you snare four of them you have a bushel.   Moving right along; our young farmer, husband and father of two leaves with 4 warriors and the council magistrate to find a Dakini(Human) to claim the child that brought terrible danger to their village.

Jim Morrison of the Dark Ages.

The village wizard informs the lot the child is prophesied to bring down the tyranny of the heartless Queen Bavmorda (Jean Marsh of Frenzy, The Changeling and Return to Oz) and they must be wary.    Our party encounters a boastful warrior trapped in a crow’s cage (an ancient hanging gallows that allow prisoners to die of thirst or asphyxiate being high up) calling himself Madmartigan (Val Kilmer of Top Gun, Tombstone, Batman Forever, Heat Kiss Kiss Bang Bang andPlanes) and he states he will watch the baby if they let him out of his cage.  

I tell ya Earl, Helm's Deep looks festive this time of year.

Being passed over by about 300 armored warriors the party feels they have no choice but to trust this man and hands the baby to him.  Moments after such the baby has been snatched by brownies (fairy folk) and Willow chases after them to be led to the fairy queen of the forest who speaks of the child as she will be a force for good in the lands but she has chosen Willow as her protector.   

Just a few notes to make about this film offhand.   Shot with Panavision anamorphic lens and followed up with Vista Vision (a process similar to 20^th Century Fox but allows a better widescreen system to shoot onto a larger area giving a finer print) giving a better print for 35mm.  Industrial Light and Magic managed the transition shots, scale model and stop animation creatures.

Don't get short with me mister!

The director of this particular sword and sorcery saga is none other than Ron Howard (Skyward, Night Shift, Splash, Cocoon, Parenthood and Backdraft) and given his area seems to be mostly romantic drama, coming of age and edgy drama this was a real stretch out of his comfort zone to provide the world with a truly clever film with some amusing dialogue and spellbinding creatures.  The classic struggle of righteous vs. nefarious was captured rather well and I would insist that Sci-Fi Fantasy fans give it a viewing.

Sci-Fi Fantasy Week: Clash of the Titans (1981)

Hail Sci-Fi Fantasy fans and welcome to Day 4 of Sci-Fi Fantasy Week.  Thought we would go a bit old school as if that has not been the theme thus far and head to the ancient mythos of Greece.  From petty and wrathful gods to creatures of unspeakable terror, the lands are froth with danger and wonder but one man dares to shake his fist in defiance against such barbarism.  No not that Kevin Sorbo guy, I speak of Perseus. So grab your mystic shield, DO NOT look at the Medusa and release the Kraken!!!  This is Clash of the Titans.

Hiya folks, I'll have a virgin on the rocks!

Zeus: Perseus has won.  My son has spoiled.

Hera: A fortunate young man.

Zeus: Fortune is ally to the brave.

King Acrisius of Argos proceeds to loathe his daughter Danae for her beauty and has her imprisioned. Methinks the king is a bit of a diva.  When that dirty old god Zeus (Sir Laurence Olivier of Othello, The Shoes of the Fisherman, Oh!, What a Lovely War, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and Dracula) comes around for a booty call via Danae and impregnates her, Acrisius has both Danae and newly born grandson Perseus sent to their deaths in a wooden coffin.   Well Zeus took that poorly and calls down the thunder for Acrisius and most of his kingdom by releasing the last Titan, the Kraken to lay waste to all of Agros.  Danae and Perseus make their journey safely to the isle of Seriphos where the child grows to manhood.

 

Lost my train of thought...

Thetis, the sea goddess (Maggie Smith of Nowhere to Go, Othello, The Honey Pot, Hook and Richard III) so proud of her petty and cruel son Calibos (Neil McCarthy of Zulu, Where Eagles Dare and Time Bandits) is engaged to Princess Andromeda (Judi Bowker of The Adventures of Black Beauty, Brother Sun, Sister Moon, Ellis Island and Menace Unseen) of Joppa ; in spite of destroying the Well of Moons and slaying several of Zeus’s beloved flying horses with the exception of Pegasus.  For these heinous acts, Zeus transforms Calibos into some hideous devil and exiled by his own people.  Probably through the aid of a few well placed stones and pitchforks.

The land of Joppa is not "faun" of Calibos.

Thetis whisks Perseus in the night with a wind transporting him to an amphitheatre in Joppa where he is befriends by a kind old poet name of Ammon (Burgess Meredith of Twilight Zone, Batman, Mr. Novak, Rocky and Grumpy Old Men) .  Perseus sees Andromeda and is smitten by her but Ammon warns him of a curse she is under on how she cannot marry unless a riddle is solved.  And if that doesn’t work maybe he can twist time like Prince of Persia and start anew.   To give his boy a leg up, Zeus gives Perseus three magical artifacts, a helm of invisibility, a shield and a finely crafted sword worthy of any warrior.     Mutilating Calibos in the swamps, Perseus is betrothed to Andromeda and momma Thetis does not care for this at all and demands Andromeda is sacrificed to the Kraken.  Desperate to save his lady love Perseus and a handful of the king and queen’s men go to search for a way to defeat the Kraken.

I’ve got just a few notes on this particular film.  The stop motion effects are done by creature FX and producer Ray Harryhausen (The 7^th Voyage of Sinbad, Jason and the Argonauts, One Million Years B.C., and Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger) with a series of scale models and super imposing.  Yes loads of blue screen effects so I am sure the youngins are rolling their eyes but come on; Ursula Andress was in this flick still looking yummy.  Give credit where it is due.

Just peepin',son. Prop me next to the bed for the real action.

Sci-Fi Fantasy Week: Excalibur

Welcome milords and ladies to Day 3 of Sci-Fi Fantasy Week and I am have dusted off my DVD rack to bring you yet another gone but not forgotten gem of the genre.  When I speak of Camelot I do not mean Sean Connery and Richard Gere being silly in armor nor do I mean a zany cartoon with two headed talking dragons and far too many sing along.   I am referring to the key elements derived from Sir Thomas Mallory’s classic Le Morte Darthur.   Capturing all facets and characters from said novel and bringing them to the big screen in 1981.  So don thine armour, sharpen and preserve thy blade and prepare for battle!  This is Excalibur.

Well, at least we aren't fighting over who makes a better Batman.

Arthur: Now, once more, I must ride with my knights to defend what was, and the spoiler of what could be.

Writer Rospo Pallenberg (Exorcist II: The Heretic, Excalibur, The Emerald Forest, The Barber of Siberia and The Gaul) and writer/director John Boorman (Zardoz, Exorcist II: The Heretic, Excalibur, Where the Heart Is, The General, The Tailor of Panama and The Tiger’s Tail) dare to dabble in a time of romance, chivalry and siege warfare to the days of the kingdom of Camelot. 

The ever mysterious magus Merlin (Nicol Williamson of Of Mice and Men, The Reckoning, Hamlet, Robin and Marian, Return to Oz and Apt Pupil) has secured Excalibur from the Lady in the Lake for Uther Pendragon (Gabriel Bryne of Miller’s Crossing, The Usual Suspects, Ghost Ship, In Treatment and Just a Sigh) with the agreement of Merlin aiding in the seduction of the Duke of Cornwall’s wife through cast illusion.  Sounds a bit shady thus far but we shall move on. 

Bald brothers, hear me! The skull cap is all the rave!

With the Duke on the battle field and slain only sorceress Morgana (Helen Mirren of Hamlet, Caligula, 2010, The Queen, Red and Red 2) can see through Uther’s disguise while he has his way with her mother.    Nine months later, Merlin sneaks in and is off with the baby while Uther injured from the Duke’s knights hurls Excalibur into a stone claiming the man that draws the blade will be king. 

Come hither stare or looks that could kill??

Years later Sir Ector's (Clive Swift of Frenzy, A Passage to India, Keeping Up Appearances and The Old Guys) boys are Kay and Arthur prepare for a jousting tournament when Sir Leondegrance (Patrick Stewart of Dune, Star Trek: The Next Generation, X-Men, Moby Dick, Safe House and Hamlet) attempts to remove Excalibur and fails.  A thief takes off with Kay’s blade and without any thought other than defending his brother’s honor Arthur draws Excalibur to do battle with the thief.

So the lad is declared king of the realm and all but a few accept this to be but webs are being weaved into what the future may come to be.

I have just a few points to make about the film now.   35mm Spherical captures the action and drama so but this is the year the UK introduced the Arriflex Camera giving almost the same scope as a Panavison anamorphic lens without the same tight consistency.  It is still quite the noteworthy camera to be held to all.   

Now I shall slay Ranuccio!

It is also the film that launched the careers of Liam Neeson, Gabriel Bryne, Neil Jordan and Ciaran Hinds.   Not too shabby in that of its own, this very movie gave SFX credit of now Industrial Light and Magic SFX supervisor Peter Hutchinson.   While this is to be an Arthurian legend told this was primarily shot in Ireland and I am betting they never let the limeys forget that heheh. 

Sci-Fi Fantasy Week!

Sword and sorcery!! Danger and dragons! Good Vs Evil!  These are but a few examples of the genre that we will be tackling this week as we journey into this very realm.  5 days of films that were lost in obscurity to common household names I will try and provide you with as much enjoyment as possible involving realm of magic and mysticism as well as brave souls relying on courage, heart and steel.

Hey the Lord of the Rings set is beyond the cave, guys!

Blog 275!!!! The Beastmaster!!!

Hey hey, hey boys and girls!!! Welcome back to Director of the Week: Don Coscarelli and I bet you would like to hear about Phantasm II… Well it is archived so look it up.  That’s right I reviewed it ages ago but don’t worry my little munkins I have another film in mind that spawned two sequels and even its own TV series of three seasons worth.  So don your loincloth, commune with nature and talk to the animals. This is The Beastmaster.

He is...Chest Waxer!!!

Dar: I have my eyes…I have my cunning…and I have my spoiler.

Based on the award winning sci-fi fantasy writer Andre Norton (Astra, Beast Master, Carolus Rex,Witch World, Trillium and Estcarp Cycle), Don Coscarelli and writer Paul Pepperman (The Beastmaster, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time and Beastmaster: The Eye of Braxus) collaborate to bring this tale of kings, tryants and monsters to life.

This is the story of Dar (Marc Singer of V, A Man Called Sarge, Watchers II, Dead Space, Dan Turner, Hollywood Detective, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time and Angel Blade), son of King Zed (yes, that is his character’s name) who was claimed from his mother’s womb by an evil witch in order to end the Empirical order and install the dark, menacing high priest Maax (Rip Torn of Tropic of Cancer, Slaughter, Cotter, Payday, City Heat, Men in Black and Wonder Boys) leaving him free to reign Hell on Earth.   The witch women prepare young Dar for his ritual sacrifice when a poor villager swooped in and rescued the boy.  Good timing on his part.

Tuesday Night is deep fried toddler night at the Sizzler.

The villager raised Dar as his own son and begins to notices how the boy is adept to fighting from their sparring lessons.  Proud father he is, he also notices the strange interaction the lad has with the animals around them.  It is almost as he is speaking with them.   No sooner is the village joy and prosperity is ruined (Cue Conan the Barbarian incidental music) as the villages is sacked, pillaged and burned to the ground by beast like warriors known only as the Jun Horde.   Dar being the only survivor of this horrific attack, vows revenge and journeys (while not listening to Journey) to the land of his father’s former kingdom with only the death of Maax on his mind.

I have just a few tidbits on this particular film now. The kingdom and surroundings are mostly scale model representations and a bit of superimposed pictures but the way it is shot only a persnickety film student would be hip to it.  Minatures modeler Bret Culpepper (The Beastmaster, Human Highway and The Jupiter Menace) working in sync with Visual Effects Cinematographer William Cruse (City on Fire, The Amityville Horror, TRON, Repo Man, Firestarter and The Haunted)really bring the A game in this delivery.  

Wardrobe malfunction in Sci-fi Fantasy!!

Between the copious amounts of stuntmen, not to mention animal trainers you get the feeling this was an impressive production value.   The story is a bit cliché of the seeking vengeance aspect but it was a pretty common theme in loads of genre films, TV and books.  All in all, this was pretty enjoyable and one of the few sci-fi fantasy films I could watch again.

MST3K Week: Cave Dwellers

Howdy boys and girls and welcome to MST3K Week.  I thought I would share my favorite bad movies that Joel, Mike and the lovable bots have trashed over the 10 years Best Brain Productions had to offer with the inception of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  For those unfamiliar with this show (SHAME!!!!) I will do my best to explain.  Two mad scientists are convinced by subjecting all of humanity to the most horrendous movie they can dominate the world.  In order to find the end all most heinous of turkeys, they subject one of their own workers Joel Robinson (Stand-up comedian and creator of MST3K Joel Hodgeson) into space as a controlled environment he cannot get away from and is fed a steady diet of really horrible films. Along with Joel are his robots he tinkered with are Crow T. Robot, wisecracking Tom Servo and lastly the diverse and ship maintaining Gypsy.    So without further adieu I cast to thee, Cave Dwellers!!!

 

West Side Story: The Prehistoric Years.

Ator: Thong, the spoiler is ready!

This particular episode Joel and the bots have endured an asteroid shower and thankfully they are squeaky clean as Mad scientists Dr. Forrester (Traci Beaulieu of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Cinematic Titanic) and TV’s Frank (Liberal and comedic writer Frank Conniff) attempt to recreate the old Mike Douglas set of yesteryear.   After a ritual known as Invention Exchange where each side is to dazzle one another with their pithy wit, Joel and the bots are subjugated to the abysmal turd that is Cave Dwellers a.k.a. The Blade Master, Ator the Invincible, Ator the Return and Ator the Blade Master. 

Bowflex does work!

From the direction of Italian soft core pornographer/ horror director Joe D’Amato (The Erotic Adventures of Aladdin X, Creepers, Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals and Beyond the Darkness) comes the sequel to Ator, the Fighting Eagle from Alternative Title Week.  Yes I am that evil, folks.

Ator (Miles O’Keefe of Tarzan the Ape Man, Ator the Fighting Eagle, Sword of the Valiant and The Lone Runner) lost his would be bride Sonya and is off studying in some forlorn cave with his buddy the mute sidekick Thong (Kiro Wehara of The Blade Master and Interzone) when they are visited by a young woman, Mila (Lisa Foster of Fanny Hill, Marie, Come Spy with Me and The Jitters) who tells Ator of her father his mentor has been captured by his former pupil Zor (David Brandon of Jubilee, She, The Lost City and The Scarlet and the Black).   Ator and Thong mount a rescue to save Ator’s former mentor but will they arrive in time?

Okay this is the part where I tell you why I love this MST3K episode.  This was my first every MST3K I ever saw.  I got most of the jokes as a wee lad and love it even more so since adulthood.  The bots constantly compare Zor to John Saxon but I myself find I am leaning to a hybrid of Alan Rickman and Terrance Stamp and hey Zor is but a consonant away from being Zod.  

Look out!!! It's Koko the Terrible!!

Our hero makes his own hang glider in the time span of a jump cut which Joel and the bots mercilessly torment the film about.  The plot is shaky, the action a bit hammy but thankfully the wise acres of the Satellite of Love are helping you through it.   Oh FYI, you are not missing much with the extra 15 minutes and no Mysties trashing the full format of this film.

Alternative Title Week: Ator the Invincible

Welcome to the tales of long ago.  In these realms lurks yet another alternative title for the week.  Now let us speak of days of high adventure!  Sorry it is really hard to break out of that speech pattern.  Ahem, grab your furry moon boots, sharpen your blade and mind. This is Ator, the Invincible a.k.a. Ator, the Fighting Eagle, Ator: The Fighting Eagle, Ator I’invincibile and Ator the Mighty.

 

Call dibs on the gold and jewel encrusted nut cup!

The Spoiler of Torren will bring about the dawning of a new age!

Director producer Joe D’Amato (Papaya: Love Goddess of the Cannibals, Anthropophagus, Erotic Delights and The Blade Master) is known for the following concepts: Over the top sci-fi fantasy with zero budget, Women In Prison Films and hard core pornography as I just found out the last.   Yes so you can already see the slippery slope that awaits us all.  The story of Ator unfolds with enough exposition that would have flabbergasted Tolkien.    Seriously that was incredibly long winded to the point of being worthy of a narration via Uwe Boll movie.  Only it was not continuous.  Our young lad Ator (Miles O’ Keefe of Tarzan, the Ape Man, The Legend of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Sins of the Night, Shoot, Marked Man and Silent Hunter) has grown into a family that is not of his own.  He has feelings for his adopted sister Sunya (Ritza Brown of Beyond Good and Evil, From Hell to Victory, Monsignor and Tuareg: The Desert Warrior) and asks his foster father for her hand in marriage.

Ye olde Keg Partay!!!

 Yay! Almost incest for the start of our heroic tale all of 5 minutes in and boy who wouldn’t want that.  Father comes clean about Ator’s heritage and is overjoyed at the weird impending nuptials.   Father then speaks of a man name of Griba (Edmund Purdom of Sword of Freedom, Herod the Great, Anthropophagus, and Zombies 5: Killing Birds) that is destined to be his teacher in combat and the ways of the warrior so he may one day fulfill his prophecy of defeating the ancient spider god and his cult, laying claim to his birthright and allowing peace throughout the land.  

Thank God it wasn’t a tall order for him right?  Note that quests are never something as easy as fetch hither yon goat milk for my breakfast cereal my son. For the morning meal truly is the most important of the day!!!

 No sooner is Ator and Sunya married that Dakkar (Dakar of Zombie, Zombie Holocaust, Pierino Strikes Again and Ator, The Fighting Eagle), priest of the spider god’s men ransack the village and slay just about everyone in the area, slap Ator silly and scoop up his sister/bride.   Yea I am still skived on that.  Sorry.    

AHH!!!! BLIND DEAD FLASHBACKS!!!!

Ahem, Ator trains with Griba to better his might and mind when he encounters a young amazon warrior Roon (Sabrina Siani of Blue Island, Daughter of the Jungle, Gunan, King of the Barbarians and Palla al centro) who had to be saved by a man.  Snort, snort!!   The two form an alliance to fight the dark knights of Dakkar, fend off the legions of the undead and do battle with the spider god (Squiggly)! 

No wait, that's poison oak.  Ah crap!

Um it is long winded, confusing plot, the story drags in places.  The swordfights are not badly choreographed and some of the effects are decent enough but all in all this film is cheesy and ain’t no Gouda.  This is a fair enough adventure but you will find yourself snickering quite a bit.  A great attempt with not nearly enough funds behind it or proper time to edit; I am giving this a C minus overall.

Action Pack Week: Jack of All Trades

Howdy folks!  We will be finishing Action Pack Week with of course another Renaissance Pictures production that got a few chills, spills and a far amount of laughs from the ham of the Evil Dead trilogy himself, Bruce Campbell.   So loosen your buccaneers, hoist the main sail and above all be a gentleman.  This is Jack of All Trades.

End of a salute or Jazz Hands? You decide.

Spoilers sont plus désagréables  

American adventurer/ spy Jack Stiles (Bruce Campbell of The Evil Dead, Bubba Ho-Tep, Serving Sara, Spider-Man, Sky High, The Woods and Burn Notice)  has saved the President Thomas Jefferson’s niece from a death defying encounter with French Canadians.   Oh, ma parole. Wonder what the British would say with the loss such territory?   After such Jefferson assigns Styles to the island of Polau Polau in the South Pacific as this will be the building block for Napoleon Bonaparte’s empire to sweep across the nations.   He will meet up and work with Emilia Smythe Rothschild (Angela Marie Dotchin of Young Hercules, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Lawless: Beyond Justice and Lawless: Dead Evidence) an English spy adjoined to an uneasy alliance between former colonists and the former crown, our two steadfast professionals try to not allow such trifle matters come between them and the mission at hand.   To use such a colloquialism or hyperbole they are to be the monkey wrench in the works.   The fly in the ointment or put simply, the pain in Bonaparte’s ass.

The lady and the twit.

 As Mrs. Rothschild has her export/import shipping business Jack operates in public as her attaché to oversee all matters.  Of course all proper proceedings must take place with French appointed Governor Croque (Stuart Devenie of Dead Alive, The Frighteners, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, In Her Line of Fire and Power Rangers Mystic Force) and when he is not kicking ass for the Lord, he is the supreme commander of France’s older brother who lacks drive and ambition.

Yes ladies the stereotypical archetypes of you being helpless and dullards are hinted at more than a few times.   And yes the cloddish oaf standing that United Europe seems to hold dear to the Americans is also being held up by Campbell and his ham factor.  As a cover and to gain support from the locals Jack dons a disguise based on an island legend that just so happens to resemble The Fox or El Zorro if you prefer, known as the Daring Dragoon.   Yeah even I could not bother making up such a character or its title.

*Ahem* I'm Batman...no really I am.

A few points of the show now if you don’t mind.   The show was shot in Auckland, New Zealand as was Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and Xena: Warrior Princess. One liner jokes, sexual puns and innuendos run rampant throughout the episodes.  The cheese factor ties in well with Campbell’s ham thus delivering a justice sandwich with all the trimmings.  Well maybe no Dijon.   This particular character comes across at his Autolycus character of Hercules and Xena but with a dash of Jim West from The Wild Wild West show and not to be confused with the atrocious film of the same name.  There is mirth, sexual tension and all around silliness but not so campy you can’t sit through it.

Sci-Fi Week: Krull

Hiya boys and girls and welcome to Day 3 of Sci-Fi Week.  Well we have had some comedy, some sexist overtones and some decent writing.  Howabout a collection of fine English actors that happen to be in what I still think is one of the goofiest premises yet?    So grab your unexplained energy emitting blade, grab a bow and by gum pray to whatever deity whose ear you have.   This is Krull.

Wow, they do put anything in a crane machine game.

There is a prophecy that was foretold about a spoiler ruling these lands…

Directed by the astounding Peter Yates (The Saint (TV), Bullitt, The Robbery, Secret Agent(TV), Murphy’s War, The Deep, Eyewitness and Suspect) this film was a real boom for the sci-fi fantasy genre though it has been misunderstood, misquoted and frankly been baffling many for some time.  Our story opens with a bit of narrative (No, not Uwe Boll unnecessary narrative) proclaiming a prophecy of a girl of ancient name (or lineage) shall become queen, that she shall choose a king, and that together they shall rule their world and that their son shall rule the galaxy.   Sweet gig thus far, right?

Live in concert: Slayer...s

Prince Colwyn (Ken Marshall of Tilt, Claws, The Stay Awake, Feds, Burn Down and Berlin ’39) has agreed to marry the fair Princess Lyssa (Lysette Anthony of The Lady and the Highwayman, A Ghost in Monte Carlo, Dark Shadows (’91 TV series), Switch and Dracula: Dead and Loving It) for the benefit for both kingdoms and just as that whimsical romantic standing occurs, the land is invaded  a creature known only as The Beast in his huge rock formation of a starship known as the Black Fortress.  His armored lackeys known as the Slayers go sick house on the royal court and as well and destroying the castle and most of the Kingdom’s armies with blaster bolts all over the place.   Yeah went from fantasy realm and right into scifi.  Pretty sneak of you, movie.   So Lyssa follows true to form of Princesses Peach and Zelda and gets captured.  Seriously writer how about the girl gets to put up a bit more of a fight than that? Colwyn the only survivor is nursed back to health by Ynyr(Freddie Jones of The Satanic Rites of Dracula, Son of Dracula, Never Too Young to Rock, The Ghosts of Motley Hall, The Elephant Man, Dune and Erik the Viking) wise and older man who tells Colwyn the only weapon that could aid him in this quest would be the legendary Glaive.  Colwyn vows to rescue the girl and slay the Beast and his dark minions and the two proceed on this odd quest.  No Ynyr does not say that it is dangerous out there and hand him a wooden sword that shoots an energy beam but dammit if that wouldn’t be handy.    

He proceeds to head to the mountain range that might allow him to get to the Black Fortress quicker only to find out the Black Fortress teleports from location to location once a day at sunrise.   Boy, hope these people brought in the supplies ahead of time or they are going to be low on materials.   Along the path He finds a wizard that is more accident prone than Chevy Chase made former President Gerald Ford out to be Ergo “the Magnificent” (David Battley of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, S.O.S. Titanic, The Gentle Touch, Dramarama, Relative Strangers and Vigo) A band of brigands lead by Torquil (Alun Armstrong of Inspector Morse, Split Second, Patriot Games, Blue Ice, Black Beauty and Braveheart) and asks them to join in his quest and so the Fellowship of the…Glaive is formed.

Can he not see I love him tenderly?

Alrighty, I had just a few bits of observation to the film and or trivia to be had.   The fire mares are overexposure red filtered shots of Clydesdale horses that had to be rocketing across the fields when they were filmed.   The death cries of the Slayers is lifted from a 1976 film called At The Earth’s Core as it was the death cries of the Mahars.  Lastly scifi/scifi fantasy writer Alan Dean Foster did a novelization of the movie Krull and Marvel Comics felt its popularity was going to be so huge they did a two-issue limited series.   For me it was a piece of my childhood that combines sword and sorcery with lasers and starships.  Maybe it wasn’t an ideal blend but all in all it was fun to view after these so many years.

Sci-Fi Week: The Ice Pirates

Hey kids I’m baaaaaack.   And what could be more than searching all of Dune for spice, oh wait that we aren’t watching anything as near as classy as Dune.  Thank God too.  If you are not a Frank Herbert fan you can barely follow the original Dune anyway.  No instead I thought we go with something campy, goofy and entirely too much blue screen.  So grab your vibroblades, hoist the pirate colors and beware of space herpes.   This is The Ice Pirates.

Never bother an alien on the crapper

Spoilers are the source of ultimate power!!!

Well folks starting this off I want to point out this is not meant to be taken serious…at all.  Scifi/Comedy here.  Writer Stanford Sherman (The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Batman, Shalimar, Krull and The Man Who Wasn’t There) and writer/director Stewart Raffill (Across the Great Divide, High Risk, The Sea Gypsies, Mac and Me and Passenger 57) comes a tale in the far away future where the galaxy is apparently drying up.  The main gold mine these days is water. Yes H2O worth more than all the spice the Atreides clan can muster.   Now when pirate is used in a sentence you normally think a scarred, scurvy ridden rapist and pillager.  Well not so much is the case here.   They are outfitted with rapier and cutlass still but it is more blasters and not so much burning down townships or colonies.    

Space models away!!

The film follows the course of Jason (Robert Urich of Magnum Force, Vega$, SWAT, Spenser: For Hire, She Knows Too Much and Lonesome Dove) leader of his nefarious…water thieves and fairly nice guy, his right hand man Roscoe (Michael D. Roberts of Manimal, Double Trouble, Manhunter, Rain Man and The First Family) head technician and primary robot builder, Zeno(Ron Perlman of Beauty and the Beast, Chronos, Enemy at the Gates,  Fallout 3, Blade II, Hellboy and Hellboy II: The Golden Army) the cutthroat, Maida (Anjelica Huston of This Is Spinal Tap, Prizzi’s Honor,  The Dead, The Addams Family, Buffalo Girls and The Perez Family) the swordsmaster…mistress (whatever) and Killjoy (John Matuszak former  Oakland Raiders  defensive end and of Caveman, The Dukes of Hazzard, The Goonies, Command 5 and Hollywood Beat) these ragtag rebels survive by stealing ice from this empiric orders known as the Templars of the planet Mithra. 

Oh god not again.   They’ll rip the hearts out of women’s chests and…oh never mind.  Not the Blind Dead series after all.  Maybe they hail from Middle Earth.  Uh getting back to the film at hand Jason and several of his crew were captured after a botched attempt at an ice run where they are to be castrated, lobotomized and put into indentured servitude.   Seriously folks this cannot be an option over death.  Personally I would be picking fights with Killjoy just so he would snap my neck and that would be it.  Just as it would look the boys are going to get the snip, a one Princess Karina (Mary Crosby of Dallas, Tapeheads, The Legend of Zorro, Queen of the Lot and The M Word) buys the lot of them to find the legendary planet, the 7^th world.  An Earth like planet encompassed in 75% of water.  I thought it had no texture.   Downside is no one truly knows where this planet is and the stories go that in has a time warp jump around it that can significantly age a man or woman to death and if they are off my a fraction of a margin they could be lost in a void forever.

Hmm hot girl in cryogenics...handy.

A few amusing aspects of this film I noticed and wanted to point them out.  During one of the big swordfights I noticed the place they are filming in was the Anheuser-Busch brewery in Van Nuys California.  I went on a tour many moons ago but I swear to you those winding metal staircases are them.   Raiding parties seem to consist of humans and droids.  I presume for heavy lifting or just faster attack speeds but most of the crew’s droids look a bit battered and worn.  Several bits of footage of the movie are clipped from Logan’s Run and Rollerball and Kevin Costner turned down the role of Jason.    It’s crass, politically incorrect and Tylenol still remains in the far, far away future.   Watch this for the pimp bots alone.  Yes droids talking late 70’s jive and pimping girls out.  Damn, I want a pimp bot.