Ah a festive outing at the salt water lake with a gaggle of
teens in search of beer, good times and the possibility of getting laid. What could ever go wrong you ask? Well journey with us to Shark Night in
3D. The director of this opus is none
other than David R Ellis. The man that
brought you Final Designation 2, Cellular and Snakes on a Plane. Oh yes kiddies fasten your safety belts
because the non-stop bumpy ride will drift you into unconsciousness. We have our typical mock up of Jaws murder
scene started right away, offering us the notion of a fast sped paced action
but in the worlds of the Immortal John Belushi
“BUT NOoOoOOoOOO!!!” We have to
establish dialogue, characters and of course many a dark past. 45 minutes into the movie and you are
praying for the sharks to eat you simply out of boredom. Our illustrious teen gang came across the
local yokels after acquiring the liquor and snacks and yes they are the
stereotypical characters of hate, racism and spite with just a hint of sorrow
to round them out. Donal Logue of Blade,
Ghost Rider and Grounded for Life and Joel David Moore of Bones and Hatchet are
the only two actors I recognize so already I know I am in for it.
The dialogue was
written up over a drunken weekend. Our
vile villains are so hokey they would be rejected from a comic book and our
protagonist is more wooden than the desk I am writing this review on. The CGI/3D effects are quite often but they
are relying on the jump scare cuts to carry the weight of the movie. Not
every horror film can pull off the jump scare effect but of the last 7 years
plenty of horror films such as: Saw, Hostel and remakes like the Hills Have
Eyes rely on the jump scare cut. Somehow
in this substantial salt water lake a menagerie of sharks of different size and
specie has materialized in the area and no one is the wiser to such.
With their boat
destroyed and a member graphically injured the gang decides they should trust
the yokels to get them to safety and a life flight for their maimed buddy. What a surprise with the yokels they
previously squabbled with turn out to be asses and psychos on top of
which. Losing the cast one by one it was
my reaction that no one in the audience cared.
I think they were all in silent pray that none of their friends caught
them viewing it and they could escape said film with a modicum of dignity
intact.
The plot was weak to
say the least. Characters were so
stereotypical and one dimensional no one could be bothered to wonder if they
would grow as young adults. The CGI/3D
was slowly hurting this photophobic fellow’s head and I cannot believe there
was that much need for Indie band music to combine with NO action at all. Blaring tunes as we reasonably drive through
town at a safe speed! What the
hell? The other aspect that annoyed I personally was
they quarter cranked the film speed and then reversed the effect to go speeding
through the town and highway. I was under
the impression when editors and directors did this was similar to an action
hero training montage. Cover emotion and
physicality in a short span of time and move on to the next standing. Not this film, no sir.
This particular move
was done 3 times in the film and I guess it was to drive any epileptic out of
the theater or drop them straight into a comatose state. It
makes the 20 minutes of Ben boarding up the windows in Night of the Living Dead
feel positively Shakespearean.
Long story short(Too
late) if you need a very slow paced monster movie with less than believable
sharks and villains then you have found your Utopia and if in fact you are just
looking for complex storylines, meaningful dialogue as well as flushed out
characters, tread not these waters me lads and lassies. There be crap in it and Davy Jones locker is
all out of Tidy bowl.
