Western Week: Shane

Hi-dy doo all!  Welcome to Day 3 of Western Week and man o man I found me a classic.  One of the most talked about, fussed over and in general beloved Westerns to this very day.  So kick yer shoes off, sit a spell and hell why not take a shot at widdlin’ some.   This is Shane.

Hey, an actual watering hole!

Come back Spoilers!!!...

A fella come riding into town in buckskin (No not Navajo Joe) and a six shooter in the sparsely settled of Wyoming just a bit after the Homestead Act.   The town while unaware of this fella who goes by Shane (Alan Ladd of This Gun for Hire, The Iron Mistress, Desert Legion, The Blue Dahlia, The Black Knight, Hell on Frisco Bay and Salty O’ Rourke), a man with a past but he is clearly pegged as a gunslinger and finds himself right in the middle of a homesteader Joe Starrett (Van Heflin of The Strange Love of Martha Ivers, 3:10 to Yuma and Airport) and cattle baron Rufus Ryker (Emile Meyer of The Man with the Golden Arm, Paths of Glory and Sweet Smell of Success) and tries his level best to keep it civil. Ryker clearly wants the land for cheap and wants the settlers to vamoose from town so I guess he can have more grazing land i.e. more beef for the bank.  Shane is invited to supper and a bunk for the night by Joe’s wife, Marian (Jean Arthur of Mr. Deeds Goes to Town, You Can’t Take It with You, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Too Many Husbands and The Devil and Miss Jones) takes a liking to these folks and signs on as a farmhand.

Whiskey anyone?!

 Joey, Joe and Marian’s boy becomes fast friends with Shane and asks him about shooting.  Shane is willing to teach both Joey (Brandon De Wilde of Jamie, Good-bye My Lady, Night Passage,  Hud and The Deserter)and Marian both, instilling that a gun is no more than a tool.  Granted it is a killing tool but only the owner can make the decision for what good or evil it will do.   Get all that NRA???    Marian is clearly not a fan of the hogleg and would rather her boy did not learn the ways of violence.   A fist fight brews in town when Joe and Shane run into some of Ryker’s men and they kicked butt.    Ryker is furious about this and hires himself one cold blooded son of a…well you get the idea *ahem* gunfighter named Jack Wilson (Jack Palance of Arrowhead, Flight to Tangier, Man in the Attic, Sign of the Pagan, The Silver Chalice, The Big Knife, Kiss of Fire, A Professional Gun, Batman and City Slickers) and brother this man is one cool customer.  He could shoot a fella as easily as order a drink of whiskey.    Yup what will the town do with this maniac on the streets? 

I have a few observations of this movie now if you don’t mind.  The setting of this town was based on the Johnson County War and was shot primarily on location but there was also more than a few sets via Paramount Studios backdrop.  Some of the exterior shots had a few matte paintings but damn some of these you look at you would swear is the open sky.  Similar to the Italian Eastman format this film was shot in spherical so great close ups and foreground but background looks a little hazy.   

I crap bigger than you, door.

35mm of course and sadly in Technicolor and yes I am not a fan of Technicolor.   Keep in black and white for that matter I say.  Hell how many films could be made better just dropped in black and white alone?    Moving right along, apparently Alan Ladd was not the first draft pick for Shane as the director George Stevens (A Place in the Sun, Penny Serenade and Giant) Montgomery Clift (Red River, I Confess, A Place in the Sun and From Here to Eternity) given their previous work history together.   This has it all.  Good story, likable characters and secondary characters, catchy themes and good luck getting that opening theme out of your head.  I can see why this is hailed as good cinema.

Amando Ossorio Week:Return of the Blind Dead

Back again kiddies for Day two of Ossorio week as we journey further with a look at the continuation of the Blind Dead series. The story may just bring some new developments.   So get warm and snug in your sleeping bags and listen the tales of high adventure.  This is Return of the Blind Dead a.k.a. El ataque de los muertos sin ojos.

Spoilers can be an inconvenience….

Spa treatments of the 13th Century

Our film opens with of all things a flashback to 13^th century Bouzano, Portugal.  An unruly mob of peasants of captured the Templar Knights and only by using sheer numbers.   The villagers plan on condemning these men for heresy, witchcraft and murder.   One of the knights swears revenge on the village for their persecution and you have to see the irony in that, now don’t you?    Prior to their deaths by fire each of the knights’ eyes are burned out via torch, on the off chance they can in fact raise themselves from the dead and seek bloody retribution. Then they are treated to a little fire, Scarecrow as they roasted alive.  I do not claim to be an authority on chainmail or a historian but the cloaks over the chainmail of our knights… well I can see the stitch patterns.  So it was either the work of demons from the Underworld or a Singer stitched it up hastily

    After that festive and happy scene we crank forward 500 years into the future as the village prepares for the anniversary since the Knights were defeated and the best way I know how to break into a celebration is to hurl stones at the village idiot.  Yes a gaggle of youngsters feel that is truly the best greeting for Murdo (Jose Canalejas of Django (1966 version), A Professional Gun, Horror Express, If You Shoot… You Live! And The Standard) the crippled buffon fends off stones until Monica (Loreta Tovar of Night of the Sorcerers, The Sinister Eyes of Dr. Orloff and When the Screaming Stops) and Juan with his Manos, Hands of Fate handlebar mustache (Jose Thelman of Tombs of the Blind Dead, Night of the Sorcerers, When the Screaming Stops and Night of the Werewolf) shoo the little scamps away. 

Due to extreme recycling laws, kick the can is replaced with Kick the Murdo

Back in town square fireworks technician and former military captain Jack Marlowe (Tony Kendall of The Big Bust Out, They Were Called Three Musketeers But They Were Four, When the Screaming Stops, Giant of the 20^th Century, Cop or Hood and Thrilling Love) converses with the Mayor (Fernando Sancho of I Was a Parish Priest, The Return of Ringo and The Big Gundown) his secretary/fiancée Vivian (Esperanza Roy of The Girl of the Nile, The Garden of Delights, It Happened at Nightmare Inn and The Book of Good Love 2) and Dacosta (, The mayor’s faithful man servant er um I mean aide.   With an expedient backstory, you get the feeling of bad blood between Mayor Duncan and Marlowe as it would appear they love the same woman.  Gasp a love triangle!  Well we all know that will end with quiet, dignity and grace.

Vivian and Marlowe go for a walk in the region as they just happen to stop by the very same ruins were the Knights Templar is buried.   Murdo spies on them making out and then speaks of the legend of Knights Templar.  After they both scoff at him he makes a blood sacrifice of one of the local girls in order to raise our nefarious Knights and bring death and destruction to all those who mocked him.   From flashbacks to current rampages this entire movie has taught me if you an attractive girl you will be topless, stabbed and receive the Mola Ram heart treatment.

 Lot of tight pan zooms and really impressive handheld work here and in 1973 that means they were still using thePFX_Gll Panaflex that still was a load and lug up these hilly terrains.  Possibly Vista Vision but they would have had to pry that from Paramount.  Similar to the anamorphic lens getting high residue shoots with a wide scope shot.   The outcome is a bit more plot, depth in the story from the first but a bit more graphic deaths and yet a far amount of topless shots.  I still feel bad for Ossorio not getting the spectral horse effect he really wanted.  Instead their heads are covered with a foul looking shroud symbolizing they are as undead as their masters.   I am thinking if you did a few spliced shots of the horses in full gallop combined with some foam and fiberglass dummies the riders could sit on in exterior night shots you would capture the effect.     Mind you a very simple but easy costume effect is their undead portion later with just using canvas tarps, smudging and smearing their cloaks with mud, dirt and local cow flop I guess.   A bit ominous and imaginative I have to say I am kinda pumped to see how this tetralogy finishes. 

Painkiller Jane: Heroine or Menace?

I've noticed more than a few valid complaints about how there are no really decent superheroine movies and I agreed.    Most are given skimpy outfits, one liners that would make Spidey groan and a love interest that is not merely farfetched but over exaggerated.   No real depth into a backstory or explanation on how they came to be.  Several characters have been overlooked.   Vampirella for example is a powerful, capable woman that happens to be a vampire with a great mental capacity and physical strength.  Granted her outfit looks like dental floss but nevertheless badass gal.   Dynamite Comics however has a character that essence was more or less captured on a Syfy Channel TV Movie. 

So make a munchie run, grab me a Mexi-Coke and let’s sit in.   This is Painkiller Jane.

Spoilers hurt so good…

The crux of the character is sound but her background and profession was altered.  So from being a hard hitting cop we alter Jane (Emmanuelle Vaugier of Saw II, House of the Dead 2, 40 Days and 40 Nights, Unearthed and Far Cry) into a Spec Ops Captain in charge of her unit: Painkiller.   What would be a major heroine processing and distribution center on intel turns out to be some sort of biological lab, patients are infected and soon Jane and her men too receive side-effects.  Desperate to vacate the Captain and men haul ass out only to run into about 20 men armed with Ak-47s and Hazmat suits.  Jane and her boys valiantly fight them but are cut to ribbons and left bleeding on the alley street.  The End…or is it?

5 days later Jane awakes in a military hospital, her wound dramatically healed leaving faint tissue scarring that should be the result of weeks of healing not days.   Her commanding officer Colonel Watts (Richard Roundtree of Shaft, Outlaws, Seven, Vegas Vampires, Desperate Housewives and Heroes) feels they need to do more testing for the fact she was the only one in her unit to come out alive.  Doctor Graham Knight (Tate Donovan of Love Potion No. 9, Partners, Hercules, Friends, The O.C. and Damages) establishes a rapport with Jane and gains her trust with his promise to fix whatever occurred.   Jane notices other aspects of herself beyond her healing such as: heighten state of awareness to her surroundings, dexterity, speed, strength, to process information at an accelerated level and analytical thinking on a scale that rivals gifted intelligence.    

While slightly reveling in her new found abilities, Jane also knows the military will use her as a weapon, escapes during a military transport to a safer location and without killing or even injuring her captors.  Doctor Knight may be the only man to help her but can anything be made to assist her?  Will she want to give up this new abilities and what of Timmy trapped in the well?

TV director Sanford Bookstaver (The Chronicle, Fastlane, The O.C., Bones, and House M.D.) tackles a comic book character devised by Joe Quesada (The Ray, Batman: Sword of Azrael, Daredevil and Ash) and Jimmy Palmiotti (Punisher, Ghost Rider, The Nam, Daredevil and Ash) and frankly as a fan of the comic itself I though Vaugier’s portrayal was spot on.   Tough as nails when the bullets start flying but emotional when the danger has subsided, trying to figure out her next move or if she in fact even has a next move.  Okay a lot of TV movies are hammier than Shatner’s  $h%* My Dad Says but overall my only complaint is the story moved too fast and didn’t allow for some real development but hell it was two hours so guessing a mini-series arc was the way to go.   Say now, isn’t there a Painkiller Jane series starring Kristanna Loken?   Hmm…I wonder.

Leatherface and Family

I’m back again kiddies for another franchise that could have been easily skipped.  Say, did you know the early 70’s really ushered the serial killer movement?  Thrillers like the 1973 Black Christmas, the quadrilogy of The Blind Dead series from Italy but none had quite the impact as the 1974 Tobe Hooper classic The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.   So gather your friends, have some car trouble and by God investigate like the Scoobies.   This is the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Collection.

Spoilers are people!!!

Now before we dive into this unbridled insanity, let me be clear that this write-up will not be including the remakes.  The original Chainsaw film was loosely based on the exploits of real life serial killer Ed Gein formerly of Wisconsin.  So we change locations and build a bizarre family of cannibalistic, graverobbing nutter butters tormenting teens and making spare ribs.  Doesn’t that sound keen?  Director Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Eaten Alive, Salem’s Lot, Poltergeist, Lifeforce. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Body Bags and Night Terrors) claims in articles and interviews the thought behind his horror Mecca was being swarmed by mass loads of shoppers in a department store during the holidays and the first thing he spied was a chainsaw and how ideal that tool would have been to cut a bloody swath to the exit.  I think we all have had days like that. 

 Five teenagers go on a road trip because their friend and her brother want to pay respect to their grandfather’s grave.   This time it was desecrated with a human skeleton perched on top of the headstone posed like some sick joke. The teens are systematically rubbed out of existence by our villain Leatherface and his demented family.  Only one survivor makes her way from the loony tunes and we assume went into hiding.  Enter a decade of abject silence other than did you see that warped film on the drive-in or Beta-Max.  

1986 we have a less primal and bleak sequel The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2.  This film is still incredibly graphic and gory but infused with dark comedy and we now know Leatherface’s family surname is Sawyer and you better whitewash their fences right.   A radio host ‘Stretch’ (Caroline Williams of Stepfather II, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Love and Lies, Leprechaun 3 and Halloween II remake) gets a prank call over the airwaves. As the little pond scum makes vulgar remarks they begin to scream in pain and agony (probably had to see Oingo Boingo in concert) as a chainsaw revs in the background.  Lieutenant ‘Lefty’ Enright, a former Texas Marshall (Dennis Hopper of Hang ‘Em High, Easy Rider, True Grit, The Last Movie, Apocalypse Now, Speed and Land of the Dead) is uncle to Sally Hardesty of the first film and knows all about the Sawyer family and he is determined to catch the lot of psychos.   Now because this film does not follow the same formula as the Friday the 13ths and Nightmares sequels, most of the horror fans overlooked this cult film.  Admittedly the acting is a bit over the top in some characters* coughs Bill Mosely’s Chop Top* but overall it is a dark and demented flick of absurd proportions.  Leatherface is apparently dispatched by Lefty and Stretch deals with Chop Top.  The End…or is it???   

Due to the infamous standing Chainsaw 2 had New Line Cinema wanted to beat this dead horse yet again.  1990, Hooper presents a treatment and New Line was not interested so we bring in Director Jeff Burr (Stepfather II, Puppet Master 4, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter and Night of the Scarecrow) This film was almost a prequel to TCM 2 and left folks a might confused in that regard but heck any flick with Ken Foree (Dawn of the Dead, Knightriders, From Beyond, Terror Squad, Dawn of the Dead remake and Halloween remake) in it can’t be all that bad, right?  Right?  So the Sawyer family has bred some more and honestly the gene pool is not improving, with the exception of Viggo Mortensen.   Yeah that is not a joke.  First real paycheck as he put it.  The MPAA had a field day with this movie and tried to get it an X-rating due to the level of gore, of which there was quite a bit but settled on NC-17.  So inbred hillbilly cannibals match wits with plucky goodie two shoes, horror ensues and Leatherface is allegedly killed…or was he? Dun dun dun!  

Well if you thought that could destroy a wild and warped legacy of terror then I guess you better get under the magic covers because Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation will leave you scratching your head, force you to Kirk shoulder roll from the plot holes and make you ask” Hey isn’t that Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger?”  1995 co-writer of the original The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Kim Henkel decided to take a whack at the series with her interpretation that would explain why the Sawyer family does what they do oh so well.  Four teenie boppers zip away from the high school prom and end up taking the wrong short cut, maim a poor driver and have to find a tow truck.  Fortunately the forest they are in is so backlit they could skip wandering armed only with a flash light.  That’s right folks it’s all the Illuminati’s fault.  The Sawyers dispatch and eat people because…there was a giant plot hole the size of Kansas and no one could plug it.  Two other comments about this little stinkburger is the actress Lisa Newmeyer (The House on Todville Road, Rolling Kansas, Sin City and A Scanner Darkly).   Her death scene felt like an eternity.  They drag this one scene out making Zellweger’s character watch the torturous scene and frankly I was going bonkers hearing this girl shriek on and on.  Oh, and for some completely unexplained reason, Leatherface because a transvestite in a mask made of human flesh.    Yeah guess Henkel saw Silence of the Lambs and went, “That’s the direction for Leatherface.”

What can we all take away from this?  Well good intentions and a few story ideas does not a film make would be one.   I do not feel in this modern age we can recapture that same terror the original mastered.  Eerie sounds and sets, rotten meat, human and animal bone strewn about offers a sick vision.   But don’t get down folks.  There’s another fricking Chainsaw being made.  Huzzah.

Mimic...isn't always flattering

classic; both sneered and cheered at.   So grab a can of Raid, maybe a fly swatter and a can of Coke to lure them out.    This is Mimic.

Spoilers can be people!!!

Based on the short story of the same name by American sci-fi author Donald A. Woldheim, Writer Matthew Robbins (The Sugarland Express, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Dragonslayer, *batteries not included and Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark) and our boy Guillermo del Toro (Cronos, The Devil’s Backbone, Blade II, Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy II: The Golden Army) combine their forces to bring this sci-fi thriller to live deep in the passages of New York City.  Entomologist Doctor Susan Tyler (Mira Sorvino of Mighty Aphrodite, Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, The Replacement Killers, and Too Tired to Die) and her husband Doctor Peter Mann (Jeremy Northam of The Net, Emma, Amistad, Gosford Park and The Invasion) are geneticists dealing with a plague dubbed Strickler’s disease that is spread by cockroaches that claiming hundreds of the city’s children left and right.   Desperate to quell this onslaught of infection, the two created a new breed of insect called the Judas breed that would feed on the roaches. The concept of stunting the ability to breed the Judas breed would die out in 3 years time.  Well that is the plan of course but we all know how Man plays and God laughs according Nietzsche.    

Unfortunately the good intentions aside, years later the Judas breed has managed to reproduce and to amass to over six feet tall and they got hungry for more tender meat that the roaches cannot offer but in a city of 8 million people I think they may have one hell of a buffet.

Transit Cop Leonard (Charles S. Dutton of Crocodile Dundee II, Alien 3, Rudy, A Low Down Dirty Shame, Nick of Time and Gothika) hears a noise and spots one of these giant bugs, drops a few rounds at it and calls for back up.  Tyler, Mann and their extended staff all make their way into the subway line to offer assistance.  As Leonard knows these tunnels like the back of his hand, the lot proceeds deep in.

I still love how we go from the hustle and bustle of New York City streets to these vast underground steam tunnels of Ontario er…um...I mean New York of course.  To the sum of $28 million, this is Guillermo del Toro’s first American movie and to be fair why the story itself was not overtly fascinating to me of Man twisting God’s work but again the initial storytelling and atmosphere of grim standing one moment but with a little dark humor when deemed necessary.   I still was impressed how del Toro made you guess who was next on the menu.   It is almost as he threw out that unwritten rule of animals, old folk and kids were most likely to survive to the very last minute.   Not a favorite but well done by performance and story.

Shark Night 3D....yes really.

Ah a festive outing at the salt water lake with a gaggle of teens in search of beer, good times and the possibility of getting laid.  What could ever go wrong you ask?   Well journey with us to Shark Night in 3D.  The director of this opus is none other than David R Ellis.  The man that brought you Final Designation 2, Cellular and Snakes on a Plane.  Oh yes kiddies fasten your safety belts because the non-stop bumpy ride will drift you into unconsciousness.  We have our typical mock up of Jaws murder scene started right away, offering us the notion of a fast sped paced action but in the worlds of the Immortal John Belushi  “BUT NOoOoOOoOOO!!!”   We have to establish dialogue, characters and of course many a dark past.   45 minutes into the movie and you are praying for the sharks to eat you simply out of boredom.  Our illustrious teen gang came across the local yokels after acquiring the liquor and snacks and yes they are the stereotypical characters of hate, racism and spite with just a hint of sorrow to round them out.  Donal Logue of Blade, Ghost Rider and Grounded for Life and Joel David Moore of Bones and Hatchet are the only two actors I recognize so already I know I am in for it.

The dialogue was written up over a drunken weekend.  Our vile villains are so hokey they would be rejected from a comic book and our protagonist is more wooden than the desk I am writing this review on.  The CGI/3D effects are quite often but they are relying on the jump scare cuts to carry the weight of the movie.   Not every horror film can pull off the jump scare effect but of the last 7 years plenty of horror films such as: Saw, Hostel and remakes like the Hills Have Eyes rely on the jump scare cut.  Somehow in this substantial salt water lake a menagerie of sharks of different size and specie has materialized in the area and no one is the wiser to such. 

 With their boat destroyed and a member graphically injured the gang decides they should trust the yokels to get them to safety and a life flight for their maimed buddy.    What a surprise with the yokels they previously squabbled with turn out to be asses and psychos on top of which.  Losing the cast one by one it was my reaction that no one in the audience cared.  I think they were all in silent pray that none of their friends caught them viewing it and they could escape said film with a modicum of dignity intact.

 The plot was weak to say the least.  Characters were so stereotypical and one dimensional no one could be bothered to wonder if they would grow as young adults.  The CGI/3D was slowly hurting this photophobic fellow’s head and I cannot believe there was that much need for Indie band music to combine with NO action at all.  Blaring tunes as we reasonably drive through town at a safe speed!   What the hell?    The other aspect that annoyed I personally was they quarter cranked the film speed and then reversed the effect to go speeding through the town and highway.  I was under the impression when editors and directors did this was similar to an action hero training montage.  Cover emotion and physicality in a short span of time and move on to the next standing.   Not this film, no sir.

  This particular move was done 3 times in the film and I guess it was to drive any epileptic out of the theater or drop them straight into a comatose state.    It makes the 20 minutes of Ben boarding up the windows in Night of the Living Dead feel positively Shakespearean.

Long story  short(Too late) if you need a very slow paced monster movie with less than believable sharks and villains then you have found your Utopia and if in fact you are just looking for complex storylines, meaningful dialogue as well as flushed out characters, tread not these waters me lads and lassies.   There be crap in it and Davy Jones locker is all out of Tidy bowl.

The 6th Day..ah Arnold and sci-fi.

The 6^th Day

Director Roger Spottiswoode of Die Another Day brings us to a timeline that cattle, fish, chickens heck even household pets can be cloned.   The notion of human cloning trials or even experimentation is illegal and forbidden.  Adam Gibson (Arnold Schwarzenegger of Commando, The Terminator, T2) runs a private helicopter piloting service finds out his family dog Oliver has been killed and his friend and partner Hank (Michael Rappaport of Beautiful Girls) tells him he will cover for him.   Adam takes the dog to a firm called Re-pet and hears the sales pitch only to have second thoughts.  He heads back home with a doll for his daughter when he sees through the window, the family dog bouncing around the living room and thinks it is his wife’s doing.  As he approaches the door he then sees a clone of himself celebrating with his family.    Trying to get in his own house to confront the clone he is attacked by Replacement Technologies security team headed by Robert Marshal (Michael Rooker of Henry:Portrait of a Serial Killer and Mallrats) and Talia Eslworth (Sarah Wynter of Species 2 and Lost Souls).    Escaping them narrowly Adam heads to his friend Hank’s apartment.  The two catch up then Hank gets shot by an anti-cloning extremist called Tripp.  He says both Hank and their charter Michael Drucker (Tony Goldwyn of Ghost and American Gun) crashed the helicopter and it this is all secret.   Rather be captured by the Replacement Technologies Security team, Tripp blows his brains out so his memories cannot be retrieved and give away others of his movement. 

Green screen gets a lot of love in this movie.  Sneaking into Drucker’s company (which is no easy feat given how big Arnold is) Adam finds Dr Weir (Robert Duvall of True Grit 1969, The Godfather and Godfather II) the scientist behind the clones explains to Gibson that both Hank and Drucker were killed in a helicopter crash and they had to do a rush clone job to conceal this horrific accident for the sake of the company.   Without Drucker they cannot lobby for human clones for everything from replacing organs to bringing back loved ones.  So a decent story turns clichéd with fights with Schwarzenegger and moral issues with cloning and big business not caring about the little people.   Drucker is thwarted by Gibson and his clone.  Clone Gibson moves to the other end of the planet with a twin company of the charter piloting in Argentina (Don’t cry for him) and Adam returns to his family with a new appreciation of cloning and the knee jerk feeling he had lessened.   Decent writing and good premise went a bit crackers with production.   A potential sci-fi went full blown action with far too many explosions and gunfights.  Schwarzenegger’s character was not a trained paramilitary man.   It was over the top fights and making Arnold once again invincible.   It could be better but it is what it is.   View with caution.