TV Titanics: Z Nation Season 1

TV Titanics returns! So decided to tap into a zombie fueled bit of goofy because...well I really cannot sit through The Walking Dead. So damn chatty and not enough zombie skull cracking. Stop reminiscing of things and places gone by,Grimes!!! Okay moving on or this will be a Walking Dead rant. Instead let's talk about 3 years after the zompocalypse tearing the US a new one and the survivors are picking up the pieces. Charged with a mission to journey through zombie infested towns to get a cure to California, our reluctant heroes trudge on. This is Z Nation Season 1.

Knew we shouldn't have eaten at Red Robin.

Produced by The Asylum (Almighty Thor, 2012: Ice Age, Battle of Los Angeles, Nazis at the Center of the Earth, Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies, Rise of the Zombies, Social Nightmare and Alone for Christmas) home of the modern day mockbuster with sneaky titles similar to the features they are attempting to cash in on got in bed with Sy-Fy to create a series to either rival or simply competition in the zompocalypse stories, films and TV already out there. 3 years have occurred since the outbreak, The US is a wasteland of consumer products, bands of vehicles, good decent folk, raiders and even the odd gathering of cannibals.

RAD ZOMBIE!!!!

For a small group of survivors, a Special Forces Lt. Hammond (Harold Perrineau of Romeo + Juilet, Lost, Blade the Series, Transit, Sons of Anarchy, Zero Dark Thirty, Constantine, Goliath and Criminal Minds) and his prisoner Murphy (Keith Allan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Star Trek: Enterprise, Air Collision, Social Nightmare, Zombie Night and Rise of the Zombies) have fled from one of the major infestation sites at the lost of Hammond's men covering their escape. Arriving in Upstate New York, Hammond meets a group of survivors made up of civilians and some National Guard, he tells these people he needs help to bring Murphy to California.

Captain Garrett (Tom Everett Scott of That Thing You Do, An American Werewolf in Paris, Dead Man on Campus Bloodline, Enemies Closer and The Last Word) and Lt. Warren (Kellita Smith of The Bernie Mac Show, King's Ransom, Feel the Noise, Conspiracy X, The First Family and Z Nation) are iffy about this as they gather up stragglers from their crew when the entire encampment is attacked by water logged zombies popping out of the lake. Knowing their settlement has been completely overrun, our small group decides to hoof it with Hammond and Murphy.

You goin' down, cameraman!!!

 

Joining on this zany quest is drug chemist Doc (Russell Hodgkinson of Big Fish, We Go Way Back, ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction, Mystery Case Files: The 13^th Skull, Grimm, 21 & Over, A Bit of Bad Luck and 7 Minutes) Ballbat wielding melee momma Addy (Anatasia Baranova of 7^th Heaven, Veronica Mars, Rise: Blood Hunter, The Darkness II, Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z and Z Nation) her crackshot boyfriend Mack (Michael Welch of Star Trek: Insurrection, Hey Arnold!, Joan of Arcadia, Stargate SG-1, Day of the Dead, The Riches, Twillight, Unrequited and Criminal Minds).

Meanwhile in the Antartic, NSA Communications Specialist Simon or Citizen Z (DJ Qualls of Road Trip, Cherry Falls, The New Guy, Comic Book Villains, Last Day of Summer, Supernatural, Perception and Z Nation) has complete access to every existing satellite, relay station, cameras and social media and no authority to tell him he can't do that, he leads the team to locations that last he checked have anything from supplies to less stinky fleshbags roaming about. His task is to not go mad from loneliness and keep the survivors up to date on weather changes, zombie uprise and any human elements that may be completely bat shit crazy.

Along through Philly our crew encounters a young woman name of Cassandra (Pisay Pao of Simply Fobulous, Your Lucky Day, Door to Door, NCIS: Los Angeles, and Z Nation) left in a cage surrounded by the deaders and she joins up with them on their moderately insane quest. With limited resources, raiders, zombies and freak weather our people have their work cut out for them.

Will the team get Murphy to California?? What awaits them at the next town or even next state?

With shows like The Walking Dead, The Strain, iZombie and Fear the Walking Dead, it is nice to see a show not taking itself serious all the time but creating new strains of zombie like these speed freak zombies that were taking massive doses of pills, rad zombies thanks to a power plant unattended. The characters are diverse, the story lines can have some funny episodes but they also include some of the more darker aspects of the human psyche. Any Zombie Post Apocalypse fans should enjoy this. I hesitate to shoot this through a time hole so the Incognito Cinema Warriors XP crowd can enjoy this but in the year 20XX, zombies so y'know too much art imitating life. I'll just send them Zone of the Dead instead.

SG-1 Picks of the Week: Avalon

Welcome back to SG-1 Picks of the Week.  First off I would like to apologize for not being around for the last couple of days but sinus headaches kicked in on Wednesday.  Yay me!   Moving right along I thought give the myriad of two part episodes this series loves to do we could touch base on one of my favorites.  So dial the DHD, watch for the event horizon and dive through the Chappa’ai.  This is Stargate: SG-1 Avalon.

Hey Teal'c, throw me the false idol. heh.

Vala Mal Doran: There’s nothing I hate more than a bold-faced spoiler.

After months of intense physical therapy from an F-302 crash in the Antarctic; Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell (Ben Browder of Memphis Belle, Party of Five, Farscape, Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars, Stargate: The Ark of Truth and Stargate: Continuum) assumes his prize command, SG-1.   Only the band seems to have gone their separate ways.  Now Lt. Colonel Sam Carter is residing in Area 51 and heading up the better portions of reverse engineering alien tech for Air Force use.   Many years of the struggles of the Goa’uld, Teal’c’s people the Jaffa are finally able to create a world of peace and unity their own but what this Jaffa nation does in its infancy can affect it for generations to come.    Dr. Daniel Jackson is on his way to Atlantis to better help the SG: Atlantis expedition run smoothly.  

Well Jackson at least she isn't Willy or Short Round.

So who the hell is Mitchell leading into unknown dangers?   As Mitchell is batting 0 for 3 an unscheduled wormhole kicks in and now base commander; Major General Landry (Beau Bridges of The Iron Triangle, The Fabulous Baker Boys, The Agency, Stargate: Atlantis and Stargate: The Ark of Truth) gets a report from the Beta site monitoring station that an unknown woman has appeared asking for Dr. Jackson.  Moments delayed due to a frisking, the men bring her to the SGC to shock and dismay the SG-1 fans it is the same confidence trickster that beat the crap out of Daniel in Season 8. 

Now we slay the makers of Krull!

Vala Mal Doran (Claudia Black of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, City Life, Pitch Black, Queen of the Damned, Farscape and Farscape: The Peacekeepers War) a former host to a Goa’uld has managed to congeal her way back to the SGC and explain to Daniel she has found reference to a great treasure but she cannot read the Ancient writings.  As Teal’c is visiting the SGC, he decides to accompany Daniel, Vala and Mitchell to this dig site in Glastonbury or rather several meters under it.  Then the real adventure begins…

Part 2: As our band of explorers reveal in their extreme cleverness for discovers a tomb of an Ancient known as Meyordan or as he is known on Earth, Merlin.  So a few death defying traps later, the team is awarded with gold, jewels and various trinkets of which this viewer went, “SGC budget for the next 3 years.”  Daniel discovers a book written in Ancient speaking of the people of Atlantis and how they traveled across the galaxies, they further mention of how these people differed in their point of view.  As several of them ascended, some wished to be worshipped and feared while others chose a path of enlightenment and humility.    The recon team discovered an ample device that looks like a long range communications device…of course NO ONE knows how to turn the damn thing on or how it even works!! 

Sir, we frisked her many times over.

  Meanwhile back at the base, General Landry must balance being professional and personal when the primary physician is his daughter Dr. Carolyn Lam (Lexa Doig of TekWar, TekWar: TekLords, Traders, Jason X and Andromeda) who he is very strained from.   So there is that little bit of subplot there.  As Daniel and Vala bonded due to an alien device they proceed to examine the long range communications device as well.  Their bodies go completely limp and fall as their subconscious minds seem to inhabiting a couple of humans’ light years away. 

Well he's no Redford, ladies but have at him.

 What will happen to them?  Will they get back home?  Will the sexual tension between them ever be cut through?  Does Mitchell like fishing as much as O’Neill?  Will Teal’c be allowed more hair?  Will a group of the Asgard ever do the funky chicken?   Hey we may cover these very questions at a later date. 

SyFy Monster Movie Week: Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Howdy folks I am back with yet another mindless violence ensuing creation of SyFy.  From catfights instigating from the malls of the 80's to saving the Everglades Debbie Gibson and Tiffany star in what can be described as less than terrifying creation that will be coated in more cheese than a tuna melt.  So sit back, take yer shoes off and sit a spell.  This is Mega Python vs Gatoroid.

Spoilers on roids!!!!




Former mallrats, pop singers to modern day actresses Debbie Gibson and Tiffany join up with SyFy Channel to create this festering turd of a movie of epic cheesiness.  Animal activist Dr. Nikki Riley(Gibson) broke into what I swear is the same fricking compound from Komodo vs Cobra and Dinocroc vs Supergator to release these series of CGI pythons and release them into the wild of the glades.  Unbeknownst to her, the pythons are killing off the local gator population and Dr. Terry O' Hara (Tiffany) retaliates with injecting hyper-steroids into chickens for the gators and inducing a massive increase in population.   These two ladies have more issues than Marvel and DC Comics could muster in 75 years.  While Riley stages protests and demonstrations, O'Hara is trying to keep hunters at bay, muster support for the cause of saving reptiles and manage to be a Spring bride ready for the aisle her hands are full.

 So whilst the two aging popstars embark in a continuous cat fight of ridiculous porportions the reptiles are massing and prepping to fight one another and planning to munch down on anyone associated in this conservation ball hosted by Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees to better spend money of a standing we as humans should have been doing anyway.   Yes, that's right; Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees.   Nothing but the finest for my readers.

Not unlike the Tremors quadilogy, this insanity proves to borderline on the absurd at the mass of height of 50 feet and have to be the width of a Winnebago the Pythons are tearing ass all over "Florida" i.e. California trashing helicopters, car dealer lots and gas stations.  Thankfully most of the populous is nowhere near this region.   Well the people that matter anyway.  Redneck of the region demand to go on a snake hunt and start blasting away in every direction that a snake isn't and guzzles more beer than a Fourth of July party.  As our heroes encounter Dr. Diego Ortiz (A. Martinez of BJ and the Bear, Remington Steele, L.A. Law and Profiler) tries desperately to warn O' Hara the inherent dangers to the ecology as both gators and pythons wreak merry merry havoc on the party goers as they flee to safety.  The lot must release a series of pheromones to attract said creatures to the "Glades"...that is clearly shot outside of L.A.     Yeah I am not kidding a lot of the shots are on the I-9.  For the California fans they will immediately realize they are not shooting in the glades.  My own father had the best chuckle watching the folks driving for their life.  The CGI and green screen is laughable, the handheld looks like they were handed off to Uwe Boll's epileptic camera crew and frankly do not go looking for stellar acting in this lot because you will be gravely disappointed.  

At best this follows the standing on cheesy movie night and go no further.  A pedestal it shall not climb. 

SyFy Monster Movie Week: Dinocroc vs Supergator

Hey folks I am back again with fun filled bad movie week of the dreaded channel of SyFy...  Yes the stink of this film is so pungent, you may be required a hanky while viewing.  So kick back, relax on your chair or sofa.  This is Dinocroc vs Supergator.

Spoilers are everywhere in the deep...
With producer/writer/director Roger Corman (The Wasp Woman, A Bucket of Blood, Little Shop of Horrors, Not of this Earth, The Trip, Death Race 2000 and Cockfighter) in league with his protege writer/director Jim Wynorski (Dinosaur Island, Return of the Swamp Thing, Demoltion High, Vampirella and Raptor) come the story of the ages... not it is actually CGI crocodile versus alligator.   As our tale unfolds, a biochemical and genetics laboratory are secretly breeding and manipulating the DNA of these creatures and to what end?   

Shockingly enough the film is shot in Wynorski's town of choice Santa Clarita and some of Kauai Hawaii.  Seems all top secret projects of this magnitude are shot on these two locations or I have seen too many Wynorski flicks.   Naturally due to all the safeguard protocols in said lab, the creatures both escape and start turning the island into the human buffet.  Owner Drake (David Carradine of Death Race 2000, Kung Fu, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, Kill Bill: Vol. 2 and Hell Ride) does not bother to alert the proper authorities and insists on a covert hunting team to track, tranq and retrieve his wayward creatures as money is no object in these matters.

FBI agent Paul Beaumont (Corey Landis of Lost in the Woods, Changing Hands, Camel Spiders and Dracula: Reborn) our death defying investigator who looks like he is late for a frat hazing is trying to figure out what Drake has created in his labs but cannot get enough concrete evidence to justify his work to the brass to snare Drake.  Decides today is a good day for fishing and heads that route.  Fish and game agent Cassidy Swanson (Amy Rasimas Holt of Girls Gone Psycho, Desire, No Game and Exposed Negative) and Dad are called into check out the whereabouts of missing hikers on the island unaware of the untold dangers of the island, our ditzy heroine makes her way to the danger.  With a helicopter assist, a mercenary team move at least an hour ahead of the Fish and Game to lock and load and dump down on dem fools.  Yeah I did not just make up that clever bit of dialogue.  

With any Wynorski creature film you can expect large breasted girlies screaming to the level that would rival Jamie Lee Curtis and Leanna Quigley, Assault weapons and sidearms of infinite ammo and really less that savory CGI FX.  Bottom line, this is a drinking game movie.

Lake Placid's magic..

Well folks I am back with the end of sequels that really didn’t need to be and what better way to round that out than with another creature feature series than a series of killer crocodiles not indigenous to the area.   So strap on your meat suits, grab your stupid signs and don’t bother wondering what’s in the lake with you.   This is Lake Placid Collective.

Spoilers stay around where the prey is…

In 1999, TV writer David E. Kelly (L.A. Law, The Practice, Ally McBeal and Boston Legal) took a whack at a treatment that got enough love to be made into a feature film that has been a cult classic. Lake Placid is helmed by Director Steve Miner (Friday the 13^th Part 2, Friday the 13^th Part III, House, Warlock, Forever Young and Halloween H20: 20 Years Later) is probably more used to biped creatures that don’t seem to die rather than a creature out of its usual element.  In Black Lake Maine lurks a 30 foot saltwater crocodile munching its way through the ecosystem.  Fish and Game are doing a survey on perch in the area and notice unusual drag marks in the mud.  A paleontologist from The American Museum of Natural History (Bridget Fonda of Godfather Part III, Point of No Return, Singles, Army of Darkness and Kiss of the Dragon) is to examine a tooth that may be part of the cause depopulation in wild life.  The local sheriff (Brendan Gleeson of The General, Mission: Impossible II, Wild About Harry, Troy and Beowulf) is dragging his feet on the possibility that there is a huge predator around this massive lake until he find decapitated moose head and head of a Fish and Game deputy. 

What makes this film so enjoyable is Mrs. Delores Bickerman (Betty White of Mama’s Family, Golden Girls, Pound Puppies, Boston Legal, Hot in Cleveland) as a crotchety mature woman with the most vulgar mouth raising and feeding said croc and Professor of ancient mythology and crocodile fanatic Hector Cyr (Oliver Platt of Flatliners, Diggstown, The Three Musketeers and Three to Tango).  These two have some of the best lines and as mix mashed as the group feels it all coalesced together.  With a massive amount of tranquilizers the croc is taken in alive.  All is well until a second croc appears and the sheriff gets to vaporize it with a 40 mm grenade launcher.  God bless rednecks, huh?  As our film comes to an end we see Mrs. Bickerman feeding infant crocs thus bringing us to…yeah a sequel. What, do you want a cookie for getting that right?  Moocher.

Lake Placid 2 is helmed by Syfy Channel director David Flores (Boa vs Python, S.S. Doomtrooper and Sands of Oblivion) appears on the scene 8 years later after the original was made.  Bit of a delay but hey Syfy channel needs their creature features somehow. We do the cliché that Mrs. Bickerman passed on and her sister Sadie (Cloris Leachman of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Young Frankenstein, Mary Tyler Moore and It Happened One Christmas) now has the house by the lake as well as there’s a new sheriff in town and his name is Bo Duke…er…um I mean James Riley (John Schneider of Dukes of Hazzard, Loving, Touched by an Angel, Nip/ Tuck and Smallville)and well this Duke boy finds shenanigans in this made-for-tv movie with unrated scenes via DVD only.  This means if you find the lack of original plot annoying, don’t fret because boobies are on the scene.  The CGI of the crocs looks unfinished, they move like at the speed of pregnant yak and the Fish and Game apparently have access to military hardware.  Sadie apparently had been feeding the crocs meat with growth hormones and this is the reason they were enormous but not why they were badly digitized.  Pa Kent takes out the crocs and yet no one does a sweep of the area for a nest thus leading to…yeah you know it.

Lake Placid 3 is tackled by Mockbuster director Griff Furst (Universal Soldiers, I Am Omega, 100 Million BC and Swamp Shark)

A year later from the second incident and a couple of teens munched for screwing on a mud bank later; Sadie Bickerman passed away…off camera (Cloris either didn’t want to do a sequel or asked for more money) and her nephew EPA Agent Nathan (Colin Ferguson of Rowing Through, The Opposite of Sex, Because I Said So and Eureka), busybody real estate wife Susan (Kristy Mitchell of The Royal Today, The Bill, Triassic Attack and Silent Witness) and delightful scamp son Connor (Jordan Grehs of Oliver Twist, Scoop and Just William).  Young Connor discovers baby crocodiles and more or less adopts them by feeding them meat.  Yes genius does run high in the Bickerman gene pool.  The current sheriff Tony Willinger (Michael Ironside of Scanners, Highlander 2: The Quickening, Total Recall and Bloodsuckers) assures Nathan that the sweep he did over a year and a half ago points to no more crocs in the area and everything is just tickety boo.    Nathan notices a drastic decrease in Elk and goes to investigate believing it to be a poacher Reba (Yancy Butler of Savage Weekend, Drop Zone, Witchblade, Wolvesbayne and Kick-Ass). Oh don’t worry about the crocs, they look almost believable now and there are also boobies for the guys yet again.  Thanks Unrated DVD!   Yeah so basically same plot with same jump scares and humans triumph over crocs…or did they?   

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter is brought to us by not the number 4 but director Don Michael Paul (Renegade, Pacific Blue, Half Past Dead and The Garden) Reba (Yancy Butler of Savage Weekend, Drop Zone, Witchblade, Wolvesbayne and Kick-Ass) ,former poacher of Lake Placid 3 somehow survived getting shot and chewed on by crocs; decides to be on the side of the angels as an EPA Agent and Black Lake has become a secluded crocodile sanctuary.  Think about 300 acres worth. The area is fenced off and the waters are gated until the friggin gate is left unlocked??!!  Man I don’t leave my house door unlocked.  Mind you I just have a couple of cats but you get my point.  Pesky teens get on the land in question and another fricking Bickerman strikes in these here waters.  Poacher Jim Bickerman (Robert Englund of Eaten Alive, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Mangler and Hatchet) gives a great performance whilst there is running about, teenies screaming and getting naked prior and oh yes big fricking guns.  Oh yes, yet another sheriff Theresa Giove (Elisabeth Rohm of Angel, Law and Order, Miss Congeniality 2 and Abduction) hard hitting, tough as nails gal with her deputy Nermal.  Yes the world’s cutest kitty cat has a gun?  Well you can guess the plot overall and it was mildly entertaining but only the original made me laugh as much and frankly SyFy went apeshit over a film that unfortunately got a lukewarm response at the box office.  Much love in rental and purchase though.   That is my take on this series and hopefully you may find something beloved in it that I missed.  Always glad to hear some input.  

Shark Night 3D....yes really.

Ah a festive outing at the salt water lake with a gaggle of teens in search of beer, good times and the possibility of getting laid.  What could ever go wrong you ask?   Well journey with us to Shark Night in 3D.  The director of this opus is none other than David R Ellis.  The man that brought you Final Designation 2, Cellular and Snakes on a Plane.  Oh yes kiddies fasten your safety belts because the non-stop bumpy ride will drift you into unconsciousness.  We have our typical mock up of Jaws murder scene started right away, offering us the notion of a fast sped paced action but in the worlds of the Immortal John Belushi  “BUT NOoOoOOoOOO!!!”   We have to establish dialogue, characters and of course many a dark past.   45 minutes into the movie and you are praying for the sharks to eat you simply out of boredom.  Our illustrious teen gang came across the local yokels after acquiring the liquor and snacks and yes they are the stereotypical characters of hate, racism and spite with just a hint of sorrow to round them out.  Donal Logue of Blade, Ghost Rider and Grounded for Life and Joel David Moore of Bones and Hatchet are the only two actors I recognize so already I know I am in for it.

The dialogue was written up over a drunken weekend.  Our vile villains are so hokey they would be rejected from a comic book and our protagonist is more wooden than the desk I am writing this review on.  The CGI/3D effects are quite often but they are relying on the jump scare cuts to carry the weight of the movie.   Not every horror film can pull off the jump scare effect but of the last 7 years plenty of horror films such as: Saw, Hostel and remakes like the Hills Have Eyes rely on the jump scare cut.  Somehow in this substantial salt water lake a menagerie of sharks of different size and specie has materialized in the area and no one is the wiser to such. 

 With their boat destroyed and a member graphically injured the gang decides they should trust the yokels to get them to safety and a life flight for their maimed buddy.    What a surprise with the yokels they previously squabbled with turn out to be asses and psychos on top of which.  Losing the cast one by one it was my reaction that no one in the audience cared.  I think they were all in silent pray that none of their friends caught them viewing it and they could escape said film with a modicum of dignity intact.

 The plot was weak to say the least.  Characters were so stereotypical and one dimensional no one could be bothered to wonder if they would grow as young adults.  The CGI/3D was slowly hurting this photophobic fellow’s head and I cannot believe there was that much need for Indie band music to combine with NO action at all.  Blaring tunes as we reasonably drive through town at a safe speed!   What the hell?    The other aspect that annoyed I personally was they quarter cranked the film speed and then reversed the effect to go speeding through the town and highway.  I was under the impression when editors and directors did this was similar to an action hero training montage.  Cover emotion and physicality in a short span of time and move on to the next standing.   Not this film, no sir.

  This particular move was done 3 times in the film and I guess it was to drive any epileptic out of the theater or drop them straight into a comatose state.    It makes the 20 minutes of Ben boarding up the windows in Night of the Living Dead feel positively Shakespearean.

Long story  short(Too late) if you need a very slow paced monster movie with less than believable sharks and villains then you have found your Utopia and if in fact you are just looking for complex storylines, meaningful dialogue as well as flushed out characters, tread not these waters me lads and lassies.   There be crap in it and Davy Jones locker is all out of Tidy bowl.