A Nightmare on Remake Street

Hey folks what is more enjoyable than an original horror movie? Why, the remake of course.  Those are always delightful.  1, 2 Freddy’s coming for you. 3, 4 better lock your door. 5, 6 grab a crucifix. 7,8 stay up late. 9, 10 never sleep again.  This is A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Spoilers return from the dead...

Based on Wes Craven’s creation music video director Samuel Bayer (Green Day: Bullet in a Bible, Blink 182: Greatest Hits and Absolute Garbage) must have felt qualified to tackle this character of 20 years of terror and camp and breathe new life in it.   This film was literally shot for shot identical from its predecessor.  Writers Wesley Strick (Final Analysis, Wolf, The Saint and Doom) and Eric Heisserer (Stranger Adventures, The Thing 2011 version and Final Destination 5) hacked Craven’s simplistic creation and my blood went completely cold realizing director/producer Michael Bay (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Amityville Horror, Transformers and Friday the 13^th) felt the need to produce this wonderful magnum opus. 

Several teenagers in Springwood Ohio are having reoccurring dreams of a burnt man with a glove with blades attached to the fingers.   Going on the basis of the original concept of making Krueger a pedophile and dragging four kids to his Uncle Touchy’s Naked Puzzle Basement; several parents of these children that he abducted sought him out and burned him to death or did they?  Dun dun dun!!!

The story arc starts up its focus with Kris (Katie Cassidy of Click, Black Christmas, Taken, Harper’s Island and Gossip Girl) with her intense moments and emotions and blah blah blah.  A handful of teenagers Nancy (Rooney Mara of Urban Legends: Bloody Mary, Dream Boy, The Social Network and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) and Quentin (Kyle Gallner of Smallville, Veronica Mars, Jennifer’s Body, The Haunting in Connecticut and Red State) discover that memories where lashed together with nightmares.  In essence Freddy is just messing with their heads and admittedly the teens actually don’t even get to bother develop as an archetype of clichés and platitudes.  

A few points of the remake versus the original, the remake had a substantial budget, some great 35mm HD along with a bit of CGI and this version of Freddy is a bit more sadistic, intelligent and warped. The cinematography and the SFX is a vast improvement.    No zany puns and whacky comments. Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley of Little Children, Watchmen, Shutter Island and Dark Shadows) torments the kids with cruel slow and messier deaths.

Now the effects are a vast improvement of the lack of budget in the original, story is actually scarier but Bayer has never heard of tension or build-up and the proper execution of this.   Every scare is yet another series of timed jump scares that once you catch the rhythm it is predictable as fish on Friday.  Musical cues must have a button on standby to blat out on the film.  Nice try Bayer but no cigar.  I am not stating the original is genius but it was original and clever.  This isn’t.

His name was Jason...

And there on the handle was a hook…OoOoO… ah we all enjoy our campfire tales while toasting marshmallows but some stories can be more than a little spooky.   So grab your pup tent, let’s make s’mores and settle in.  This is Friday the 13^th Part 2.

Legend tells of a spoiler that resurrects from the beyond.

It is five years later after the massacre of Crystal Lake and Pamela Vorhees has been killed and the young girl that survived, Alice (Adreinne King of Friday the 13^th, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and While You Were Sleeping)attempts to live her life beyond that nightmare only to feel as though she is being watched. Her small apartment is filled with drawings of a disfigured boy that drug her underwater. She peers into her refrigerator to find the severed head of Pamela Vorhees , then has an ice pick driven in her right temple.    A group of teenagers come to Crystal Lake to reopen the site and set up a new camp and the head counselor Paul Holt (John Furey of A Killing Spring, The Gali’ndez File and A Little Thing Called Murder) his wacky sidekick Ted (Stu  Charno of Christine, Just One of the Guys and Once Bitten) and his psychologist girlfriend  Ginny (Amy Steel of All My Children, Guiding Light and April Fool’s Day) this camp will be good for the upcoming children’s summer.   Unbeknownst to our happy campers that Jason Vorhees somehow survived his drowning and was lost in the woods, living off wild life and vegetation like a confused creature of the wild.   Could he be fact or fiction?  Is he right behind you even as you read this!!??  No dummy he is the stuff of fiction.  

As most of the camp crew head into town for a little partying a smattering of counselors remain at camp to keep the home fires burning.  Obviously to have sex, smoke some local reefer and have a few beers; which as we all know this is a recipe for disaster via the killer’s perspective.  One by one they are being systematically slaughtered without provocation as Jason is a big time moral crusader against pre-marital sex, drugs and alcohol.  You would think the MPAA and he would be natural allies but I digress.

Steve Miner (Friday the 13^th Part 3, House, Soul Man, Warlock and Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken) takes over for Sean Cunningham (Friday the 13^th, A Stranger is Watching, Spring Break, The New Kids and DeepStar Six) after the first movie from his former associate producer title he held.  The tagline alone is worth viewing.  The body count continues.  Granted the murder effects of Tom Savini is not in this film but in fact done by Carl Fullerton (Friday the 13^th Part 3, The Hunger, Spasms, The Return of Swamp Thing and Warlock) and as always the musical score but Harry Manfredini ( Scores for Friday the 13^th 1 through Jason X, Wishmaster, Bad Karma, the Omega Code and Terminal Invasion)The acting was not over the top, the lighting and sound was phenomenal and frankly there were some real scary moments rather than the expected point of countless jump scares.  Feel free to give this one a viewing if you are a slasher fan. 

Gem of the Month- Sundown: Vampire in Retreat

What do you get when you combine vampires, substitute for blood and Utah?   Well here’s a hint: Not True Blood.   No, this is Sundown: Vampire in Retreat by Director Anthony Hickox (Waxwork, Waxwork II and Warlock the Armageddon) and written by John Burgess.  Deep in the heart of…okay not Dixie but Utah exist a town called Purgatory.  A town filled with incredibly pale people that are covered from the sunshine with parasols and large brimmed hats.   This town of vampires has rejected the ways of the night and preying on the innocent is lead by master vampire Count Mardulak (John Carradine of Kung-Fu).  The town has a processing plant that is making an artificial blood to curb the need to feed but it breaks down and only one man can repair or refurbish parts for it.  Enter the Harrison Family.  John (Jim Metzler L.A. Confidential and Bad City Blues) brings wife Sarah (Morgan Brittany of Love Boat and Dallas) and their two kids to this remote and isolated town where neither of them is the wiser to this odd little bit of Americana.   Seriously they are so thick you could clock them in the coconut and it might not register until a day or two later.  On the trail of Count Mardulak is fearless vampire hunter Robert Van Helsing (Bruce Campbell of Evil Dead, Spiderman and Burn Notice) determined to end the evil that is a bloodsucker only to be smitten by lovely vampire Sandy (Deborah Foreman of Valley Girl and Waxwork) John’s former rival for Sarah’s affection Shane (Maxwell Caulfield of Waxwork II and Empire Records) who happens to be the town’s chief engineer but he needs John’s expertise.

  

  The Harrisons’ little girls note the townsfolk seem a bit different and are clued in that there are two factions of vampires.  One attempting to repent and the other is return to the old ways.   The Count attempts to maintain the peace while his right hand man Ethan Jefferson (John Ireland of Gunslinger and Waxwork II) tells vampires that they have nothing to feel guilty about and they should revel in their powers.   How does one solve those differences?  Why with a shoot out of course.   This film combines comedy, horror and western all in one unusual package.   My favorite thing about this film is the three brothers Milt (Bert Remsen of The Bodyguard and McCabe and Mrs. Miller) Merle (Sunshine Parker of Tremors  and Roadhouse) Mort (M Emmet Walsh of The Flash, Bladerunner and Chasing 3000) Bisby.  They all run this tiny gas station and look like they are just a gnat’s wing flap away from brutalizing humans.  Mort knocks the head off of this coked up jackass for being rude and abusive.   The two campers were really unnecessary characters as a whole.

Admittedly the film did seem like there was filler thrown in and John Carradine’s performance did seem a little off (methinks drinking days still), and sure he and Bruce were hardly in any of the scenes but dammit it was a fun movie.   The movie finishes off at 104 minutes and while it dragged a bit you got the scope of what the director was trying for. I ask you to find me a vampire story with conflict, romance and gunfight worthy of the OK corral and in general, an amazing cast.   A lot of tongue in cheek humor combined with a potential love triangle story line sprinkled with some rivalry and a few odd gore effects and you have a fairly decent film.  

Gem of the Month Idea!

It was brought my attention by a good friend of mine that all I write on here is horrible films, and I hurl bile and venom at it.  So at her suggestion I bring you what I call the Gem of the Month.  Each month I will praise a film, TV series or video game.   This will give you something to look forward to rather than roll your eyes and groan at bad puns and an askew sense of humor.   With that being said; I shall bring you the first ever Gem of the Month.

There Can Be Only...confusion?

It’s a kind of magic.  This TV series is just that.  Taking place in 1992 at the height of the ill-fated sequel Highlander 2: The Quickening, The reluctant hero Connor MacLeod (Christopher Lambert of Highlander, Highlander 2, 3) has a fellow clansman 75 years younger than him, Duncan.  Duncan (Adrian Paul of Love Potion No. 9, Merlin: The Return, The Breed) took himself out of the immortal game of fighting to the death and claiming his opponent’s quickening or life force until a sinister immortal named Slain Quince(Richard Moll of Night Court, House and Batman TAS) seeks Duncan out, wanting his head.  Connor intervenes and frightens Quince off.  Eventually Duncan cannot sit on the sidelines any longer and must confront Quince.   This premiere episode launches a starring role of Duncan MacLeod for the next seven years of which becomes a phenomenon in captivated worldwide.  

 A show where MacLeod fights not only other immortals of tremendous age and skill with a blade but mortal elements such as terrorists, freedom fighters and organized crime.  Admittedly it is the clique right man in the wrong place at the right time.   Each episode carries out a flashback sequence to an earlier portion of Duncan’s life and the people he met through history.   Establishing that all immortals were completely human until a fatal accident or slew in battle, this series did their level best to adhere to historical reenactments, period costumes as well as sets and one of the finest sword masters (Bob Anderson sword master of The Master of Ballantrae, Highlander, The Princess Bride, First Knight and Die Another Day) assisted guest stars who had not so much as held a blade to mastering the finer points in just a few short days.   Over the series guest stars ranging from rock n’ roll legends like Joan Jett and The Who’s front man Roger Daltrey to Babylon 5’s Traci Scoggins and 21 Jump Street’s Dustin Nguyen. 

Highlander has taken place over Bordeaux France, British Columbia Canada, Seattle Washington and even Scotland where the character was originated.  While some of the storylines may not be everyone’s cup of tea, this character driven series is worth anyone’s time if you have a fondness of sword battles, gunfights and a little martial arts thrown in.  In the end however, there can be only one.

Vampires Vs Zombies...??!!

Now I look at this title and envision hordes of both popular undead battling it out for the human tidbits.  A battle royale to the well…death I suppose and frankly that sounded interesting to me.  A sort of Underworld feels with not fur just fangs and claws.  Instead I get this.  Ho boy.   So stock up on ammo, MREs and water from your secured undisclosed bunker.   This is Vampires Vs Zombies.

So let’s start off with the few alternative titles to this flick and you will get an idea how long it took me to find it.  You have Carmilla, Carmilla the Lesbian Vampire and last but certainly not least Vampires Vs Zombies.    Netflix and Blockbuster bother were confused as hell to what I was requesting but finally I got a copy and proceeded to view this blight of Cinema.

Warning! Danger! Danger!  The following will invoke spoilers to the film in question as well as cast and director and writer.

So we open our flick with Jenna (Bonny Giroux not Jenna Jameson you pervs) who is having a disturbing or quite possibly erotic dream of an ample bosomed brunette feeding on her.  Then she blew my frickin eardrums with her Linnea Quigley scream startled from her terrifying dream. Her father Travis (C.S. Munro of Corpse-O-Rama) was also startled via car ride, has about 20 seconds of dialogue with her to establish to the audience that is now deaf that she is having this reoccurring dream.  It is at this point I would also like to point out I recognize one member of the cast (Brink Stevens of Zombiegeddon, Birth Rite and Cheerleader Massacre) and she is hardly even in it so you can just wager how delightful this flick was.   The term shaky cam comes to mind.  Apparently no one bothered to explain weight ratios and balance to this fine film crew.  Sheesh a unipod or tripod would have been nice but no that was not in the budget I gathered.  Better to use the town epileptic, give him a pot of coffee and a camera.  Our fearless director /writer Vince D’Amato is responsible for such flicks as the fore mentioned Corpse-O-Rama, Human Nature and Hell Hath No Fury and we shall not go into those movies for I do not keep a puke bucket by my desk. 

  Getting back to our film; this movie is very loosely based on the talented writer Sheridan Le Fanu that wrote the 1872 classic novel Carmilla and sadly it is about the closest any of the existing film makers have gotten close to.  Well I loved the Hammer films so I cannot discredit the Vampyre Lovers with Ingrid Pitt but that is neither here nor there.   To the best of my understanding of this 70 minute acid trip this is a series of chapters versus being a full film?  While it is an interesting premise it is also utterly confusing to the causal moviegoer.   The deliveries of lines from the actors seem so off base or unnatural.  The inflection of their performance feels forced and completely out of context but hell what do you expect for an under budgeted half-assed indie film with no real direction of a plot but a blatant excuse for a lesbian sex scene that looked so staged it couldn’t stimulate the dead.   I suppose the gore scenes were fairly graphic with the sub-plot of vampires and zombies duking it out but honestly I am left wondering how the title of the movie became the secondary plot.

  This was not titled, ”Carmilla Gets the Girl” so what the hell is going on?   Don’t get me wrong.  This was not Zombi 3 where there was 3 directors throwing their hat in the circle but dear God it needed some cohesive editing man.   I was struggling by the 40 minute mark like Apollo Creed hanging on the ropes in Rocky II.  Bottom line kid; if you are just hoping for some awkward preternatural lesbian sex with a defunct storyline then this is your movie.  If however you wish to hold on to a shred of dignity I have a few vamp films of this particular genre that would at least resemble a storytelling.

The Balls are back!

Hey kids this looks like a potentially good sequel. Grab a head lamp and shovel and let’s start digging.  This is Phantasm 2.

My God look at the size of the spoiler!

Director Don Coscarelli (Phantasm I through IV, Beastmaster, Bubba Ho-tep, and Incident on and Off a Mountain Road) attempts to capture the spirit of its predecessor back in 1979 with a new round of terror.  With A. Michael Baldwin (Mike from the first movie) off on a retreat to learn a musical instrument and devoting his time to such, (James Degros of Drugstore Cowboy, Point Break, Enemy of the State and Vantage Point) tackles the role of Mike as a teen after the death of his brother and being assaulted yet again by the mysterious and devious Tall Man (Angus Scrimm of Phantasm I through IV, Subspecies: The Awakening and I Sell the Dead)  With his undead dwarven minions at his command, the Tall Man seeks to capture young Mike with Reggie (Reggie Bannister of Phantasm I through IV, Bubba Ho-tep, Wishmaster and Cemetery Gates) standing in his way. 
 

With a narrow escape from the evil that conquered their town, Mike is institutionalized for 6 years for what the state felt was clearly a child's overactive imagination as a defense mechanism helping the grieving process to handle the death of his brother Jody.  Reunited with Reggie once more they make their way to Reggie's family home only for Mike to receive a psychic image of the house being destroyed moments before the house is engulfed in flames.
 
 The two men scarred and bereaved from their traumatic experiences, they vow to hunt down and eliminate the Tall Man and stop his fiendish abominations. Mike further receives more psychic effects as he has a rapport with a girl he has never met.  Her small town is cut off from any help as graves become empty, and the dead are used as tools of the Tall Man. Liz (Paula Irvine of Phantasm III, Santa Barbara and Doin’ Time on Planet Earth) contacts Mike through a psychic link enabling our heroes to journey to her rescue.  Allied with the Tall Man are his latest assistants in evil practices simply known as the Grave Diggers.  With little encouragement on Mike’s behalf, Reggie gases up the ‘Cuda and the two hit the road in search of the Tall Man and try to think of a way to end his reign over the dead and God only knows his true purpose for his sinister deed.

 While Don Coscarelli merely hints that the Tall Man is from either a Hell dimension or perhaps another universe all together is never truly known. In a recent interview he exclaimed it was more fun to let people speculate and give him ideas.   Between some unique steady cam as well as track, the $3 million budget allows for improvements of the killer spheres previously constructed by Will Green from his prop effect department Turntable Rentals and Sales.  While this was the largest budget for all for four movies, it did offer additional killer dwarf dispatching weapons, such as a homemade flamethrower and the infamous quad-barrel shotgun which the fans lovingly referred as the Dwarf Cutter.