Crocodile

Howdy all. Back with a creature feature that was directed by the late great Tobe Hooper ( Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Salem’s Lot, Poltergeist and Lifeforce) and loosely links his film Eaten Alive through exposition and a few props of said film. With a gaggle of 20 somethings looking to party, booze and screw their brains out, you just know an monster of moral standing will wipe them all out. This is Crocodile a.k.a. Crocodile 2 a.k.a. Flat Dog.

OooOo, I sense a railing death.

Yes shocking our film has alternative titles. Many people outright smack this film for the lesser CGI croc effects, the CGI blood spatters, the atrocious acting and piss poor script lacking even a decent protagonist. Honestly this feels a bit like Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, I think this film was just a goof for Hooper and he just had some fun. Let's dive in and see what's what, shall we?

As we open in our film, we have to establish that roads are a concept. Seriously the camera shows a road with some vehicle trekking at a fast clip. Cut to our main characters/doofs. Brady (Mark McLachlan of Crocodile, Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat, Hometown Legend and Freshman Orientation) and Duncan (Chris Solari of Zoe, Duncan, Jack & Jane, Crocodile, Family Law, Entourage, Irish Twins, Quitters and Lady Hater) ready for Spring Break via partying and boozing. Yup nothing but deep motivation and virtuous thoughts for the weekend. Thankfully our town's sheriff, Bowman (Harrison Young of Waxwork II: Lost in Time, Guncrazy, Humanoids from the Deep, True Vengeance, The Game, Expose, Primary Colors, Saving Private Ryan, Durango Kids, Witness Protection, Starforce and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation) got his eyes on these whipper snappers in his here bailiwick. Yeah felt like I was watching Friday the 13^th after the kids get the cop's warning. Sadly no Crazy Ralph hiding on their houseboat to issue death curses and general nuttiness.

She's on a rampage...

 

So Brady, our less than noble protagonist has a love triangle going with his decent, sweet college girlfriend Claire (Caitlin Martin of Crocodile, When Billie Beat Bobby, 7^th Heaven and Without a Trace) and his ditzy Rainbow Brite hairdo girl Sunny (Sommer Knightof Undressed, Crocodile, Wednesday's Child, The Lyricist Lounge Show, Love Comes Softly and American Grace) Brady and his brohans stumble across a large nest of eggs. Naturally we need to smash them and chuck them in the water. Because...douchy reasons.

Dog owning friend Anabelle (Julie Mintz of Crocodile, Once and Again, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, Boston Public, The Seat Filler, Sucker Free City, Eve, Backward Glances, The Putt Putt Syndrome, Far Marfa, It Happened in L.A. And Moby: Mere Anarchy)is...there. Mostly she just hangs out with Claire.

Claire is outraged and sneered at for giving a damn about living creatures. Yup the party knobs clearly need to be gobbled up. Prior to this brohan level of frat douchbaggery, the sheriff finds a couple of hillbilly fishermen torn to bits and finds the remains of a large egg. Thinking it clearly is an alligator attack and goes to the local alligator farmer, Shurkin (TV and Film character actor Terrence Evans of The Incredible Hulk, Falling in Love Again, The Greatest American Hero, Hardcastle and McCormick, The Dukes of Hazzard, Pale Rider, Nutcracker: Money, Madness & Murder, Curse II: The Bite, Alien Nation: Dark Horizon, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager and Madam Savant) and now we have our Chief Brody and Quint stereotypes at the ready, each sounding like Billy Bob Thorton's Carl from Slingblade so it's gonna...yeah it's going to drag some more. You see, the croc is now on a rampage. Driven to madness by the senseless slaughter of her unborn young she will shuck and devour folk on the lake like so many oysters.

A vapid pretty boy. Go figure.

Shurkin and Bowman are on the hunt and not so subtly hint to Eaten Alive, adding a never seen character Harlan who built a shrine to Sobek, the Egyptian crocodile god, yeah it goes on quite a bit. Shurkin believes his pa was devoured by this very crocodile and his grandfather as well. We are tallying almost 96 years of life of this particular croc and now it's a matter of family vengeance. Shurkin may have dropped brown acid in his day.

Now the better written character of guts and cunning, Princess. Yes I am referring to the poodle in our group. Anabelle's little beasty possesses greater brain power than the whole party and why not? She's not drinking, screwing her wheels off or making pointless comments about the croc attacks. Our characters are very one dimensional and you don't care if they get eaten and apparently almost 100 year old crocs are FRICKIN' BULLET PROOF!!! Yes, bullets and buckshot just deflect off her hide. Who knew.

My mom and I sat through this squirrelly flick, riffing and mocking it. So just take your brain off the hook, grab a beer and take in this good bad movie. It's not meant to be a brilliant monster film. This is not Jaws, nor would you want it to be.

Dare ya to lick it, Slappy.